01x01 - Song and Dance

[bunniefuu]

["This Will Be Our Year" playing]

- [phone ringing]

- [person 1 sighs]

[person 1] What is it, Ian?

[Ian] Phil, your work

on this new dancing game is great.

That disco-ball effect

that you suggested for Mythic Dance

is really gonna make it sing.

I didn't suggest that.

- You suggested that.

- [Ian] Huh.

I must have been inspired

by my new earrings.

You see how they dance and glitter?

You told me you didn't need

anything else for Mythic Dance, Ian.

[Ian] Yeah, sorry.

Phil, let's take this opportunity

to learn a lesson from the earrings.

[Phil] f*cking earrings.

The pressure that we're under right now

is what's gonna make Mythic Dance

turn from a lump of coal

into a hand-cut eight-carat diamond

in a white-gold setting.

- Great.

- Look, I know it's your day off,

- and I just

- It's not my day off.

I'm on vacation.

I don't even know why

I'm talking to you right now.

You're talking to me because you know

that Japan is a quarter of the market,

and the Minister of Culture

has to allow it in the country.

- [person 2] It's mai tai o'clock. Boop.

- And you know

Hey.

We're dancing 'cause it's mai tai o'clock.

It's mai tai o'clock.

You just hung up on Ian.

Yeah, I know. I'm saying bye-ian to Ian.

It's vacation.

- I'm sorry. You're right.

- Thank you.

We haven't had one in two years.

I'm not gonna let your work thing ruin it.

And your weirdly yoked,

bargain-bin-Criss-Angel-a*s boss

can survive one week without you.

He's gonna have to

because as of this moment, Maude,

I am officially free from Mythic Quest.

Oh, Phil.

Our vacation starts n

Hold on one sec.

Our vacation starts no

[Hawaiian music playing]

- Oh, what a cutie boy.

- [door closes]

[Phil] Hello.

Hi.

- I have traveled these great lands.

- [Maude chuckles]

I went even to the far north

to the spa area

where I did encounter some wild children

who tried to claim what was ours.

You may share my bed, brave hero.

- Yes, please.

- Hop in, stud.

- [cheers]

- Oh, yes.

- Ooh, thank you.

- Did you say "hop in"?

- [grunts, chuckles]

- [screams]

[Maude] You are so crazy.

Thank you.

You're so welcome.

Oh, sh*t.

I forgot my dairy pills.

I'm gonna get the wet toots.

You know that I keep

my lover's toots bone-dry.

Aw, you're the best.

Remember that because

I'm gonna show you something.

[Phil chuckles] Oh, my God.

Maude, we've talked about this.

- No, I [chuckling]

- He's so cute.

- Look at his stupid little face.

- [chuckles]

His dumb, little naked-a*s body.

I love you, Daddy.

I love him so much.

I'm his mommy.

I can see. He's very cute,

but I I mean,

we just don't have the space,

and I feel bad adopting Milton

and not having a backyard

for him to run around in.

Okay, so maybe it's time

that we look for a house.

All right. Well, let's think about this.

What if we get locked into a mortgage

and you come home with, I don't know,

Colin Firth?

I wouldn't dump you for a Colin

less than Farrell, honey.

- I love you.

- [scoffs]

[chuckles]

Have you looked under your plate?

- Okay, the menu.

- [stammers] Yeah.

See what they have for dessert.

[Maude gasps] Oh, my God.

Bug, it's so good.

I love it.

You just looked so beautiful.

I just had to capture it.

I know it's a little cheesy, but

It's not cheesy. It's so good.

When we get back, you have to quit.

And you have to start

the design studio in the garage

like you always say that you're going to.

Well, I mean, right now,

our townhouse's shared garage

is full of that CrossFit as*h*le's

tractor tires.

But, you know, I am just bullshitting when

I say all that stuff about Ian because,

you know, he has pushed me very hard,

and he's made me good.

I wouldn't have been able

to draw that without Ian.

I'm lucky to have him.

Okay, he's lucky.

If Ian could do what you do,

then he would.

And maybe he did make you better, okay,

but w-whatever.

It's time that you just need

to bet on yourself, and do it.

[phone rings]

This is so good.

Hello?

[Ian] Phil Niekro. Knuckleball. Knucks.

How's the world's greatest art director?

Need to talk to you

about the Japan presentation. I think

It was Ian.

How does he know what hotel we're at?

Oh, sh*t.

Ian has all of his employees

share location.

Are you insane?

Okay, yeah, no. We're not doing that.

That is kook-alicious.

All done.

We have taken

the tracking chip out of your neck.

You're welcome.

Guess I should've done that a while ago.

Well, it's okay. I got you, bug.

- [screams]

- [chuckles]

- Keep doing that. I like it.

- [chuckles]

["Dreamer" playing]

[screams]

[screams] No, no!

[laughs] Stop.

Come on. [coughs] We did it.

- It's not worth the hike.

- Okay.

That's really good. [speaks indistinctly]

Look out there so you're looking at that

and not remembering this.

Okay. Okay.

f*ck. [screams]

Good job.

[moans, screams]

[instructor] And breathe.

[Phil groans]

On the inhale,

switch positions with your partner.

- [Phil] Mmm.

- [back cracks]

- Jesus Chr Is that your back?

- [chuckles]

It feels like

a g*dd*mn bag of limes, Phil.

- [chuckling]

- Oh, my God.

How long have you two been married?

- [Phil] Oh, we're not married.

- Oh.

Now, one partner lie on your belly

while your lover stands over you

gently pulling your wrists.

Well, I think you're just adorable.

It seems like

you've been together forever.

It's, um,

been a little over three years, so,

- yeah.

- Okay.

Well, you must be pretty special.

I mean, a girl like her

could get anyone, you know?

[both laughing]

I mean, a girl like her could get anyone.

A girl like her could get anyone.

[Phil] A girl like her could get anyone.

She could have anyone.

Ow.

- f*ck, my t*ts, Phil.

- Sorry, Maude.

- Let's move into supta baddha konasana.

- [phone ringing]

- I'm sorry.

- [instructor] Ooh, excuse me.

It's okay.

- [instructor] Hello?

- [pants]

My apologies.

Is there a Phil here?

- This is Phil. Uh [chuckles]

- Uh, here. Hi.

[instructor] It's apparently an emergency.

[stammers] Someone's on the phone?

- Hello?

- Is that your phone?

[Ian] Phil-Lando Calrissian.

Before you ask how I got this number,

I have access to military satellites.

Anyhoo, I need a dozen mock-ups

for some hats.

Some hats?

[Ian] Yep, yep. I realized what's missing

is some old-school

Fred Astaire razzle-dazzle.

You're the only man to do it.

You're my guy.

Now, if you could can get those

hat options by 7:00, that'd be awesome.

Look, if I send you a few sketches,

will you leave me the f*ck alone?

No, absolutely not. Phil, turn it off.

We're strengthening

our pelvic floor right now.

[Phil] Okay, I gotta go.

- [instructor] Is everything okay?

- Yes, I'm sorry.

Please continue.

"Namastee."

Danke.

Arigato.

What?

[Phil] This sunset is

so f*cking beautiful, I could die.

[Maude chuckles]

This sunset is so f*cking beautiful,

I could, like, punch a dolphin.

[Phil chuckles]

Sunset is so beautiful, I could, like

like, rip my own leg off and eat it.

[both chuckling]

[Maude snorts]

[both] Oh.

We're so cute.

I'm so happy I'm here with you.

That it's just you and me,

but someone's missing.

Who?

It's Milton.

- [Phil] Oh, my God.

- [Maude] I know.

[Phil] Did you make him your lock screen?

- [Maude] Yeah.

- [Phil] Momo.

I think about him. Someday.

Someday.

Oh, a proposal.

Right there.

- [cheers]

- [person 1] like her could get anyone.

- [Maude] Oh, and that's another proposal.

- [person 2] like her could get anyone.

- Oh, my gosh. Skywriter.

- She could have anyone.

[Phil] She could have anyone.

She could have anyone.

Why would she want me?

She could have anyone.

Why would she want me?

[waiter] Aloha.

My apologies for the delay, sir.

Here's your main course.

[Milton] I poop better husbands than you.

[screams] Oh, sh*t, Phil.

- [gasps]

- Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I just hate soup.

[clears throat]

["At an Old Hawaiian Luau" playing]

[Maude] I love you.

I don't know how many times I can

tell you that you're the one that I want.

[person] I mean,

a girl like her could get anyone.

[Ian] Nobody knows

this game better than you.

[Maude] Oh, I just keep

telling you over and over.

[Ian] You're the greatest art director

I've ever worked with.

Mmm. Huh?

Bug?

[waves crashing]

- What are you doing, bug?

- Oh.

Nothing. I was

The ocean looks so beautiful,

I just needed to draw.

It's black as sh*t out here, bug.

You can barely see the ocean.

It is.

- Let me see it.

- It's nothing.

I wanna wait till it's finished.

- Phil? Phil?

- I wanna wait till it's finished.

[Maude] Is that a porkpie hat

on a f*cking dwarf?

- Look What?

- [Maude] Cool.

So you're working right now?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

- [Maude] Well

- That's my own dwarf-hat thing.

- [Maude] Oh, it is?

- Yeah, it is.

And just so you know,

that is a homburg, not a porkpie.

We're on vacation, Phil.

We're supposed to be here

to reconnect, relax,

not draw little outdated hats

for little fairy creatures.

But if I don't do some work now,

all I'm gonna be thinking about is

all the extra work I'm gonna have to do

when we get home,

which would cancel out

all the relaxing time.

[Maude] Phil,

you're wound tighter than ever.

You screamed at soup.

Let me just do three hats,

and then I'll be done.

It's always three hats or 20 swords

or a bigger, shinier codpiece

for a frickin' troll.

Do you really

not wanna be here with me, Phil?

- Momo, come on.

- Have to waste my time here.

- Hey. Hey. Hey.

- Just tell me you don't wanna do it.

Of course I wanna be here.

There's no place I'd rather be.

For real.

Then tell Ian to leave you alone.

He's my boss. I can't just

Phil, I have been

so understanding about your job.

I think that I played it pretty cool

when I heard about the whole

Jason-Bourne-tracking-you thing.

- I know.

- I [sighs] am done.

So you need to call him right now

[Phil sighs]

or I truly swear to God I'm going home.

It's pretty late, LA time.

Oh, my God.

He's probably not gonna pick up,

but I'm calling.

[line ringing]

- Hello? f*ck.

- [Ian] Hi, Phil.

[Phil] Hey, Ian.

"Ians and tigers and bears, oh my."

- [Ian] What?

- Sorry, never mind.

I gotta talk to you about something.

[Ian] I hope it's something

about goblins wearing big old top hats.

It's not.

I'm on vacation with my girlfriend,

my very beautiful,

wonderful,

- understanding girlfriend.

- [Maude chuckles]

And I'm not asking you. I'm telling you.

You do not talk to me until I get back.

[Ian] Wow. Okay, yeah.

I can respect that.

Boundaries. Tight.

I'll see you when you get back.

[phone disconnects]

I just told Ian Grimm to f*ck off.

You should've told him

to go up his own as*h*le

and that you quit.

[laughs]

- That was pretty good though, right?

- That was pretty good, bug.

- [inhales sharply] f*ck yeah, it was.

- [chuckles]

- [dancers vocalizing]

- [drums beating]

[Phil] Whoa, holy sh*t.

Mmm.

You're so happy.

[shouting]

[crowd cheering]

Whoo!

Doesn't get much hotter than

the traditional Samoan Fire Knife Dance.

But now, let's cool things down a bit

with a little hula.

For this one,

we're gonna need a few guests

to come up onstage and learn to hula.

[crowd applauding]

Who do we have here?

Would you like to learn to hula?

[guest] Uh, we're Kim and

Dan Rutherford from Cedar Point, Ohio.

And, yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah, let's do it.

[crowd cheering]

[Phil] Oh, God.

No.

It's okay, honey.

I don't think she's coming to our table.

What's your name, sir?

Would you like to come up

and dance hula for everyone?

- [Phil] In front of all these people?

- Um

Dancing? You're gonna mess this up.

You can't do this.

- My name is Phil. Phil.

- [Phil] No, no, no.

- [echoing] And, uh

- [Phil] No, no.

- No.

- You know what?

Hi. I'm Maude, and I would love to hula,

so let's do this!

[crowd cheering]

Thank you. Hey, thank you.

[Maude] You're welcome.

[Hawaiian music playing]

[water running]

Maude, you are the greatest thing

that's ever happened to me.

[inhales deeply]

Will you take my hand

as I lead you to the promised land

in this holy

Why am I getting religious?

Um

- Momo

- [Maude] What's that?

Oh [stammers] nothing.

I'm ju I'm just very excited for

our romantic-a*s stroll on the beach.

[Maude singsongy] Yeah!

[phone chimes]

[Milton] Howdy, Phil.

Are you sure

you're ready for this, dum-dum?

[stammers] I don't know.

I mean, I love Maude

to a very large degree.

[Milton] Wow. Very convincing.

Gonna put that in the proposal?

I don't know.

[Milton] Phil, buddy,

let's put our cards on the table, mmm?

She's gonna figure out sooner or later

that you're not good enough for her.

Then it's gonna be clear sailing

for ole Milton.

Why are you so g*dd*mn mean, Milton?

[Maude] Who you talking to, bug?

No one.

[knocking on door]

[Maude] Who's that?

I ordered drinks.

[child] Hello, Phil.

Hello.

I know you're on vacation,

but the Japanese have my nuts in a vice.

Your nuts?

In a vice, Phil. This is Ian, by the way.

This isn't real.

This isn't real.

This is very real, Phil.

You said I couldn't talk to you

until you're back at work,

so I found a loophole.

This boy's parents

are staying at your hotel,

so I wired them a thousand dollars

to allow the boy to wear an earpiece.

Now I'm dictating

everything the boy is saying.

Fart, butt, p*nis!

I did not say fart, or butt, or p*nis.

That was just the boy.

Jacob, if you're not

going to take this seriously,

please hand Phil the phone.

Fine.

Just take it.

Hey, Philly.

[Phil] Whoa.

I think your ear might be infected.

Uh, ear? No, that's-that's totally normal.

That's just the earring settling in.

Look, Phil,

we're at the finish line on this, man.

We just have to do one more thing.

We've got to fly to Japan

to do the whole song and dance in person

to ensure that Mythic Dance

is not offending cultural sensibilities.

So, go to Japan. Do the song and dance.

I mean, that's the thing

you're good at, right?

[Ian] I am good at it

and I am going to go,

but I need you to come with me, Phil.

Look, man, nobody knows this game

better than you do, including me.

You're the greatest art director

that I've ever worked with.

Mythic Quest needs you.

Please.

[Milton] Ian's right, you know?

You're a great art director,

but you'd be a piece of sh*t husband.

I say go for it. [chuckles]

Okay. I'll do it.

[Ian] Nice catch, Jacob.

[door closes]

Look, I know what you're gonna say,

Momo, but Ian needs me and I

I need you, Phil. I need you.

Is spending a week with me

in a really beautiful place,

is that just so difficult for you?

Is it so horrible that you wanna run away

'cause your boss said

one nice thing about you?

[stammers, sighs]

Okay, no answer. No, no, no. That's good.

[stammers] It's not gonna be

more than 24 hours.

You're not gonna even know

that I'm gone, Maude.

- Right.

- Ian is just He needs

- Ian?

- Yeah.

[stammers] I don't give a f*ck about Ian.

This is not about Ian.

I don't think that you wanna be happy.

And you're terrified

of finding any joy or love for yourself

because you don't think you deserve it.

You don't think that you deserve me.

And, um [sniffles]

you're doing a really good job

of convincing me that that's true.

[sniffles]

[sighs]

Why are you so much happier

being miserable, bug?

I

- [sighs]

- I don't know.

[sighs]

[sighs]

["Natsu Nandesu" playing]

Oh, konichiwa, Phil Spector!

[gags]

He's a music producer. Also, a m*rder*r.

That's a little dark.

Whoa! Phil!

That's, like, the greatest homburg

I've ever seen!

Great work!

What the f*ck happened to your ear?

Why don't you take the earring out?

The ear is totally fine, Phil.

And I couldn't get the earring out,

even if I tried.

But the Japanese won't let me in there

for some health and safety bullshit,

which means I can't do the song and dance.

Which means

you've gotta do the song and dance.

Okay. Okay.

[inhales sharply] Yeah. I can do it.

I can walk them through the presentation

Uh, uh, uh

Uh, walk? Who said "walk"?

I didn't say the word "walk."

Oh. I see the confusion.

When I say "song and dance,"

you think I'm using a colloquialism,

when in fact I need you to demonstrate

the actual physical dance moves

of the game for the Japanese now.

What?

Are you telling me that I left my fiancée

to come get humiliated

in front of Japanese dignitaries?

Oh, my God. Wait, fiancée?

Phil, did you get engaged?

Mazel!

No. I mean, I meant to,

but I pr I had the I wrote it down.

Oh, but you bailed.

Because you knew that coming back

to Mythic Quest was gonna be best for you.

No. No!

A normal life

where I can go to Hawaii with Maude,

that's what's best for me.

Bilbo Baggins, are you in Hawaii right now

or are you in Japan?

Yeah. You're in Japan.

Because Mythic Quest

gives you what you need.

All that pressure, it took a lump of coal,

and it turned it into a diamond.

That's what you are, Phil.

When you're at Mythic Quest,

you're a diamond.

A beautiful, shining diamond.

I can barely see the diamond.

But I can.

He's standing right in front of me.

You know, this insane pep talk

is actually kinda working.

You know how f*cked up that is?

You're shining. You're absolutely shining.

I want you to go up there.

I want you to find your light,

and I want you to shimmer

like the beautiful gem that you are.

[breathing heavily]

Konichiwa.

My name is Phil-san,

and, um, I am honored

to be in your country.

- It's lovely.

- [attendee coughs]

Beautiful, really.

I [exhales]

And now, I am, um

I'm gonna demonstrate to you,

uh, the gameplay of Mythic Dance.

[exhales deeply]

[whispers] This is a f*cking nightmare.

- [beeps]

- [automated voice] Ready?

- [cheering on speakers]

- Let's dance!

[Japanese cover of "Creep"

playing on speakers]

- [crowd groans]

- Oops. Missed a step.

- [crowd groans]

- Keep trying.

- [crowd groans]

- Wow. Bad dancing.

- [crowd groans]

- Keep trying.

- [crowd booing]

- Bad dancing.

[Phil pants]

- [crowd booing]

- Missed a step.

- [crowd booing]

- Keep trying.

Bad dancing.

You've lost her. Missed a step.

[Phil] She could have anyone.

Why would she want you?

- [voice] You've lost her.

- [Phil] Why would she want you?

She could have anyone.

She could have anyone.

Why would she want you?

She could have anyone.

- [breathing heavily]

- You don't deserve love.

She could have anyone.

Why would she want you?

Why would she want you?

She could have anyone.

Why would she want you?

Why would she want you?

She could have anyone.

Why would she want you?

Why would she want you?

- [breathing heavily continues]

- [heartbeat thumping]

[song continues, normal]

[no audible dialogue]

[song ends]

[Phil] Thank you so much

for trusting me with your project.

I know how much it means to you.

I'm truly honored to have you

as my first client here

at PhilCo Design Firm. [imitates fanfare]

[Maude] Oh, Phil.

Oh, I love that we're getting married.

I don't love this,

so if we could just start over,

um, I have some ideas

that could really make it sing,

if you're open to a collaboration.

All right.

Okay, we gotta get you a new office.

Can you shut the f*ck up, please?

["This Will Be Our Year" playing]