01x04 - Los cinco jinetes del Apocalipsis

[bunniefuu]

THE TIME WE HAVE LEF

IN PEACE AND TRANQUILITY

BLEACH

Let me ask you a question.

Are you feeling disheartened?

Gloomy, apathetic, depressed?

In short, you feel alive?

Did you know that

since the red planet appeared,

fossil fuel consumption

has dropped by 90%?

Got used to the idea

that the world was going to end?

Well, it's better now than it was before.

What a disgrace.

Feeling nostalgic about something

that never happened?

That'll be apocalyptic anxiety.

But don't worry, you're not alone.

The Community of Colleagues

of the Apocalypse wants what you want.

The peace of mind of knowing

that tomorrow will never come.

The question isn't, "What kind of planet

do we want to leave for our children?"

The real question is, "Do we actually

want to leave them a planet at all?"

So you want the world to end?

COCA

FOR A DECENT APOCALYPSE

Well, just wait until you get old.

And if you're in a hurry,

throw yourselves off a bridge.

-Well, it's just

-Go on. Get the hell out of here.

CRIME IS SOARING

Since the end of the world

was first announced,

crime rates have risen by 110%.

My insurance company won't cover me.

I've got full coverage.

But they say you can't insure

against the apocalypse. m*therf*ckers!

Average citizens are now part

of criminal gangs.

There are lots of divorced people.

Fearless people with nothing to lose.

m*therf*ckers.

VIOLENT ROBBERIES MULTIPLY

"Its rider was given power

to take peace from the Earth

"and to make people k*ll each other."

Come and get me, show your faces!

"To him was given a large sword."

Are you the red planet, dude?

Come over here so I can knock

some sense into you, piece of sh*t!

Come get me.

MESSAGE TO THE PLANE

Let's get into a fistfight.

Piece of sh*t!

I don't have insurance,

but I got ba*ls, f*ck.

Bang! Bang!

We ask the public

to place their trust in law enforcement.

All members of the police and armed forces

have resigned from their posts.

We also have the right

to have a f*cking great time.

-Trust.

-Am I right?

People in the streets are celebrating.

Fearless people.

m*therf*ckers!

-Trust.

-Come get me.

The three fundamental pillars of life are:

happiness, survival

and I don't remember the last one.

He said I'm a wh*re,

but I'm nothing of the sort.

Those responsible for cleaning the streets

have also resigned.

It stinks.

ANYWAY

The coming weeks

will be hard for all of us.

Go get it, Coco.

But we must stay calm.

Violence is never the answer.

I know how I want to spend my last days,

doing what I've always done:

exercising, reading a good book

or making a tasty risotto.

I want to spend the time I have left

in peace

and tranquility

with my family by my side.

This message is brought to you

by the Ministry of the Interior.

State Department for the Disintegration.

Please, stay home. Everything will be

exercising, reading a good book

or making

I want to spend the time I have left

in peace

with my family by my side.

brought to you

by the Ministry of the Interior.

He's in bad shape.

He's been like this for two weeks now.

Yeah, but Tomás? Are you sure?

We could use him.

Right, but I just can't see him

being a team player.

He'll get used to it.

What skills does he have?

Well, he's

my friend.

So another good-for-nothing.

Listen, after his breakup and all,

he just needs a distraction.

When Yoli left me,

I signed up for pottery classes.

How did that go?

I tried to make a cup,

but I didn't want to get my hands dirty.

I've got this thing about clay.

When I was a kid, I thought it was poop.

Nobody explained it to me.

I never ate off clay plates.

I never really got over it.

-Look

-Would you eat off a plate made of poop?

Please.

I'll go first.

Hey.

They say he shot the ad in exchange

for a one way ticket up to the satellite.

You know,

the one where all the rich and famous are.

Well, f*ck them.

I hope they never come back.

Tomás.

I want to introduce you

to some friends of mine.

We've got this group, this team.

We have a good time together

and I thought you might want to join us.

It's nothing

sexual.

Well

This is

Come on.

Come here.

Hey, be careful, dude.

Move over. There you go.

Come on.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!

Come on, join us.

You could use some fresh air.

You just need some air, Tomás.

We're heading out on patrol.

Why don't you come?

You already know Molina.

This is Manoli, she's paralympic

world champion in archery.

And remember Curro?

He's Molina's nephew, Pili's kid.

-I'm a streamer.

-You were.

Without the police, it's down to us,

the Four Horsemen.

We try to make sure

things don't get out of hand.

It's like a jungle out there

and we're like Tarzan.

-Please don't say that.

-What? It's a good slogan.

-It's sh*t.

-Well

So? Are you in?

Didn't you want the world

to go back to how it was before?

That's what we Horsemen do.

This coffee tastes like sh*t.

So this is what you were doing

every Tuesday afternoon?

Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Molina and I started out a few months ago

after the police and the Civil Guard quit.

Then Manoli and my nephew joined us.

But now is when we Horsemen are needed.

It's time to rebuild.

Well, there's plenty to do.

And plenty of b*stards in our way.

Yeah, there's a whole host

of badass gangs around town.

Obviously, we're keeping a tally.

At the highway exit to the north

we have the Junkiedrome.

Doctors, civil servants, sportsmen

Even the mayor's hooked on heroin.

Many educated, well-prepared junkies.

They're like zombies,

but really fast ones.

You have to keep out of their territory.

But it's better to avoid some places,

like that one or Los Álamos.

Los Álamos is dangerous now?

It's hell over there.

It's the Garcías' territory now.

They used to live in shacks by the river.

They read Marx and,

with all the apocalypse craziness,

they moved to a rich area.

Now they won't stop talking about

capital gains and wealth distribution.

The beach belongs

to those Perpetual Help b*stards.

An alliance between lifeguards

and the guys that rented out sun loungers.

Now they control all access to the beach.

Then there are The Keys,

computer programmers.

Since the Internet collapsed, they got

nothing to do and don't give a f*ck.

Who would've thought it was computers

keeping those sons of b*tches in line.

Curro here was one of them.

But I got out in time.

I've seen a lot of sh*t.

The ones who gatecrashed the barbecue

at Romero's were The Keys.

They like sneaking into houses.

But the most dangerous g*ng of all

is José Antonio.

-José Antonio.

-José Antonio.

-José Antonio?

-Don't ask.

You don't want to know.

Never mention José Antonio again.

What the hell?

What the hell are you doing?

Morning! We're just vandalizing

this bus stop.

The apocalypse is a joint effort.

We all have to do our part.

A small act alone may not seem like much,

but all those small acts together

can make all the difference!

-What?

-We're from COCA,

Community of Colleagues of the Apocalypse.

Nice to meet you.

Curro, the notebook.

We're the Five Horsemen

of the Apocalypse. Our work

-Five?

-Yes.

Five horsemen?

Yeah, we know. There were four of us,

but Romero keeps inviting people.

Curro, it doesn't matter.

-What matters is that we want to

-Tomás?

Holy sh*t, Tominator!

This is the kamikaze I told you about.

Remember? The dude's a legend.

-The fireworks and placenta guy?

-That's him.

sh*t, man, I thought you were dead!

No. I think you must be mistaken.

It's me, Toño!

Remember? We were high as kites,

but we had a f*cking awesome time.

Right. Still not coming to me, really

Your friend is one crazy m*therf*cker!

We spent a week partying in a water park.

But remember the penguins?

That was some crazy sh*t.

Really, I wish I could remember but

-I don't think it was quite that crazy.

-We had a great time, right?

Good times.

But at what cost?

I mean, everything made sense

with a grand finale on the horizon, but

without that finale,

how could we do that

to the penguins, dude?

I'll never be able to forgive myself.

We have to get going.

Tominator?

I don't know.

Horsemen,

we must do something about this.

When you said you guys

were night vigilantes

patrolling the streets

and fighting bad guys,

this isn't quite what I had in mind.

Captain!

I need more soap!

Of course. Catch.

-They're really fond of you, aren't they?

-And I am fond of them.

All we need is a place in this world,

a mission.

The Horsemen represents "home" to us.

That's why I want you to join.

I'm not calling you Captain.

Fine by me, soldier.

The world is totally screwed.

You know cleaning a bus shelter

isn't going to fix it, right?

Won't do any harm either.

Tomás

that guy just now,

you know him, don't you?

It seems you two had a great time together

during the apocalypse.

It was no big deal.

I don't know,

you've been here for weeks now

and you still haven't told me

what you've been up to or with whom.

Tomás?

Tomás?

There's nothing to tell, Juan.

I mean, I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to remember, okay?

Right, but why

didn't you say anything? I

I would have come with you.

-All done, Captain.

-Perfect.

Great job.

Does anyone know when the 5 is due?

It should be here any minute now.

In five minutes.

At this rate, I won't make it

to the movies on time.

At least you're going to the movies.

I'm late for work and I've got a meeting.

-This damn 5 is always running late.

-But it has a good ramp.

-True.

-The 30 is awful.

Full of old folks stinking of cat piss.

At least you always get a seat.

-Dude

-Look, what I meant was,

since it's always full, it's a good thing

that at least she'll be seated.

Anyway

I'm taking the bus today

because my car's at the mechanic

and I have to pick up my daughter.

It ain't cheap. "Support public transport"

they say, but

It's the same with the bike lane.

That comes out of our pockets.

True that.

I can't wait to get my license.

Get down!

f*cking kids.

Hey, come here!

Your f*cking dad can go f*ck himself.

-There were at least 15 of them.

-They're organized.

A new g*ng. Put it in the notebook.

The Kids g*ng, made up of kids.

They throw stones. Done.

-Stop squirming.

-Let go of me, old man!

-The rest escaped, but not this one.

-Pedophile!

Hey, keep it down.

You've caused enough trouble.

-You fancy little girls, pedophile?

-Enough of that.

Look, we just want to talk.

Why did you do that? Are you stupid?

"Why did you do that? Are you stupid?"

-Very mature.

-"Very mature."

What have you got there?

Hey, Tomás, what are you doing?

She's a kid, you animal.

I wasn't going to hit her.

-We're supposed to be the good guys.

-I said I wasn't going to do it.

Hey.

You okay?

What's your name?

"You okay? What's your name?"

We Horsemen don't resort to violence.

Especially with

She's just a victim.

She and all the other kids

running around out there.

God only knows where their parents are.

Those who aren't dead

have abandoned their kids.

What kind of animal

could abandon his daughter?

-Tomás, I didn't mean

-Doesn't matter. Forget it.

Hey! Leave me alone!

Manoli!

b*stards!

No. Let f*cking go of me.

I can do it on my own.

Okay.

I'll pick it up.

-There's more there.

-Where?

There.

-Put it here.

-Wait, damn it.

Tomás, we need another bag.

Tomás!

Look, that's it. I've had enough.

Juan, this is a f*cking stupid idea.

Look at yourself.

You look like a Street Sweeper Action Man.

Hey, don't talk to the Captain like that.

Listen to me. If you carry on like this,

you're going to get hurt.

I doubt it. They've got my back.

The Horsemen ride together.

Don't you see you're just

a bunch of losers? Even kids tease you.

"Oh, look, the Horsemen!

Oh, the big, scary Horsemen!"

"The horsewoman on wheels."

Want me to break your legs?

-Four-eyes here disguised as The Matrix.

-Blade.

I'm dressed like Blade, the Afro-American

vampire hunter, dumbass.

I also represent a minority.

I've got myopia.

-Shut up, Matrix.

-Don't talk to him like that.

And then there's Molina,

the typical idiot nobody likes,

but whom you befriended out of pity.

It's not Molina nobody likes.

Sure.

Remember the Christmas dinner

with the guys from the hotel?

What dinner?

The guys from work? What a bore.

I'm glad they didn't invite me.

I had plenty of plans.

With yourself, right?

-No, with your mom.

-She's dead.

I have friends, okay? Lots of them.

Real ones, not geeks and farm animals.

I hang out with you

because Romero asked me to.

No, sorry. That's why I hang out with you.

Nobody can stand you, know-it-all.

Tell him, Juan.

He's a know-it-all. Tell him.

Molina's a f*cking great guy.

He's been looking after his aunt Paqui

since this whole thing started.

-She's not doing so good. She's 90.

-Whatever.

And he started a food bank.

But Tomás is a badass.

Today he threatened a little girl.

Okay, I see. So I'm the bad guy now

and the PAW Patrol here are saints.

Why don't you tell them the truth? Go on.

No? You going to tell them or should I?

Want me to do it?

Tomás

The two who gatecrashed the barbecue

weren't some crazy programmers.

-Hey!

-No, no, no.

Your Captain here was holding

two people hostage in his garage.

I may be a b*stard,

but you've got a f*cking screw loose.

Don't sweat it, Captain.

We Horsemen don't judge.

Well, not each other anyway.

If you kidnapped them,

they sure did something to deserve it.

To be honest,

I wanted them to repopulate Earth.

See? You had a reason.

Besides, we've all done some crazy things

these past few months.

My car's been parked

in a no-parking spot for seven months.

I've started smoking again.

I gave Curro a hand job out of pity

Nobody's perfect here, Captain.

It's better like this anyway.

Four Horsemen. Five didn't make sense.

Yeah.

-Have you two been friends for long?

-Since elementary school.

I bet he was a son of a b*tch

back then too.

Not really.

When I met him, he was the one

getting his a*s kicked by the other

kids.

I'm telling you

the aorta vein ends in the leg.

Don't touch me!

f*ck my life.

-That hurts.

-Shut up. That's not pain.

Yes it is, damn it.

That stuff really stings.

Want to know what pain feels like?

We were ambushed. I don't know how.

They appeared everywhere.

Molina, they're kids.

No, they're not.

He's got a theory.

They may look like kids,

but they're actually tiny adults.

That's my theory.

What the hell is he talking about?

He's in shock. Let me pass.

Where's Romero?

He didn't make it out.

Stone to the temple.

Went out like a light.

You left him there?

I told him he'd get hurt, damn it.

Didn't I tell him?

-You coming with us to bring him back?

-No. I'm out of here.

"The Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse"

doesn't sound right.

José Antonio.

Come on, Tomás.

They're hiding out in there, for sure.

I saw loads of candy wrappers, and this.

What do we do now?

Beat them at their own game.

We may want to restore civilization

by cleaning bus shelters,

but we have to strike first.

Right here, right now.

You mean that figuratively, right?

No.

School is a place without rules.

There are only predators and prey.

It takes just one look at you to see

that you're some f*cking gazelles.

At least they're fast runners.

No more running.

Tonight, we're going to destroy

the food chain.

No, wait. I mean

Tonight, we're going to get our revenge

on those b*stards.

-What if it's a trap?

-Don't worry.

Even though Molina may not agree,

they're only kids, got it?

You've never seen Home Alone, have you?

-Well, if you hold here and I

-Don't touch me.

That's a lot of steps.

-Well, Tomás, you hold the back and I'll

-Let go, damn it.

Don't worry about me.

Keep going. I'll catch up.

Well then

f*ck.

PARENTS ARE THE APOCALYPSE

No, stop! It's a trap.

Told you so. A trap.

-It's a bit strange, isn't it?

-What's strange?

If it were a trap,

they wouldn't let him tell us it's a trap.

Interesting. Maybe the trap

is letting him tell us it's a trap.

Exactly.

What?

If it were a real trap,

they'd have gagged him until we got here

and when we took the gag off he'd say,

"It's a trap!"

Then it would be too late.

A classic trap.

But maybe they want us

to think that's the trap,

but it's not. That's the trap there.

Right.

So, what do we do? Are we going or what?

-Right. Let's go?

-Let's go, right?

Are you stupid? What are you doing?

I just told you it's a trap.

Yeah, right, a trap. Sure.

Would you look at that?

It really is a trap.

Told you so.

But you get our theory, right?

We thought the trap

was you telling us it was a trap.

-You made a big mistake

-"You made a big mistake"

-What are you doing, dumbass?

-"What are you doing, dumbass?"

-Look, stop that right now or

-"Look, stop that right now or"

-You asked for it.

-"You asked for it."

Not so funny now, are you?

"Not so funny now, are you?"

You're safe now,

Captain.

Yeah!

Come on!

Now what?

We did it!

Go on, cry now!

Move!

Hell yeah!

Those kids went flying. Bam!

-Excuse me, what about that epic arrow?

-Awesome.

The new Horsemen are f*cking badass.

The bad guys better get ready for this.

Let's stop by my place.

I've still got a bottle of whiskey.

Hey, cheer up, soldier. We beat them.

I know, but

I know it was awesome.

But we kicked the sh*t out of some kids

that weigh what? 20 kilos each?

Who's to say we're the good guys

and they're the bad guys?

Put it in the notebook.

Give me those.

THE 5 HORSEMEN

will be hard for all of us.

But we must stay calm.

Violence is never the answer.

I know how I want to spend my last days,

doing what I've always done:

exercising

Hi, good evening. Heard about the

Community of Colleagues of the Apocalypse?