01x03 - Just True Love

[bunniefuu]

-Don't they have a home?

-Only naive teenagers kiss like that.

They haven't had any experience.

So they reenact Hollywood

or some stupid perfume commercial

in black and white and slow motion.

What's up? Things not going well

with your girlfriend?

Cloud nine is only fog!

Michael, what

You scared her. She's running away.

It's not deserved,

she didn't do anything to you.

Now move it, you newcomer!

-What?

-Nothing.

We have a lot on our plate today, right?

Go in, put the thing down, set it up,

issue an extended warranty.

And if need be, play dead.

And don't be stupid and

especially don't embarrass me.

And how can you be kept quiet?

-Hi. Kudin

-The twins are sleeping.

L'Amore 9000,

with its own water connection

and integrated home app

for the perfect temperature

of the shot timer!

-I thought it was a coffee maker.

-Coffee maker?

That's a portafilter

for 2,000 bucks, you blockhead.

Come in!

VIKTOR

DELIVERS

Hello.

Hello.

Tell him he can

clear off to the bedroom now.

Tell her that the energy

doesn't flow well there, and she knows it.

Tell him he and

his energy can kiss my a*s.

Tell her I can't work

with such a negative atmosphere!

"Work!" Tell him,

who works here and brings in the cash!

-Tell her I don't see anyone working!

-It's called working from home, man!

Speaking of work. I would say,

we, first of all, calmly

The twins are sleeping!

Sorry.

Speaking of sleep.

I only slept three hours last night.

I'll just say diarrhea and nightmares

and the twins who were constantly awake.

So step on the gas, quietly.

I finally need my espresso

like I'm in bella Naples!

At your command. Then

Come on.

-How do you prefer to drink your coffee?

-Alone.

Typical Scorpio.

And you?

This is my baby, paid for with my cash.

Yeah, yeah. "Mine, mine. Me, me, me."

Did you know that the Scorpio is the

least popular of all the zodiac signs?

And rightly so.

Vindictive, resentful, and unforgiving.

Assertive.

A Scorpio is only happy

when they can sting someone.

At least I've got a stinger I can use.

Well, I don't have headaches all the time.

Our sex life is like a Coke.

First full of sugar, then light, now zero.

Sure.

Just great.

-You can hear it, too?

-No, please, let me go. Please!

-Nobody is stopping you.

-Maybe we just let them scream,

so that they don't

become wimps like their father.

If they take after their mother,

they'll become sociopaths.

If you don't respond to their needs,

you put the relationship at risk.

Who asked you, you smartass?

-Nobody.

-Nobody at all.

If I need parenting advice,

I'll let you know.

-Yeah?

-Yes.

If I'm back in two minutes and if I don't

have coffee, I'm going to be unpleasant.

-Yes?

-Understood.

-Yes, yes.

-Love, right?

Yes. It's easier to die for love

than to live with it.

And since God is dead,

there's only one unconditional love.

The consumption of overpriced things.

Nonsense. Do they teach

you that at university?

-Sure.

-It's nonsense.

Well, when you have small children,

you do realize

there are other things in life.

-Are you serious?

-What?

Are you going to spout the

"Anyone who held their own child for the

first time knows true love" garbage?

Garbage?

Children are like horror films.

If it's quiet, bad things happen.

But it's true! Children change everything!

They let you see the world

with completely new eyes.

With tired, small eyes.

With massive rings underneath.

What's going on here?

Two skunks on the prowl?

You want to turn me into a

drooling wreck, right? But not me!

I don't care

that you have an IQ like mayonnaise.

You go to sleep

or I'll get the neighbor's dog.

Yes, the big black one. And he can play

with your favorite stuffed animal.

Yeah, with this little bunny here.

Yeah? And bang! Torn in a thousand shreds.

Well

I still remember our little man here,

when he was teething.

He cried the whole day.

I carried him around

-You carried me around?

-For miles.

It even caused a track in the apartment.

And he had such nasty gas, unbelievable.

You can't imagine

what's coming out of such a small a*s.

Can you please stop? That's embarrassing.

I always say that having children is like

having a 118-piece toolbox.

Well, you have dozens of things that

you don't know what you need them for.

But it's just a good feeling to have them.

-Hello?

-I'm sure you're a proud father.

Then

You're just impossible, all the time.

Kids are like a big subscription trap

that you can't cancel.

No right to exchange,

full 18 year contract period.

-At least 18 years.

-Where's my espresso?

We're sort of in the process.

I'm about to snort

the coffee powder through my nose.

-Have you tried to go without?

-I hate drinking games.

Too much coffee overacidifies the stomach.

Coffee doesn't talk, doesn't whine.

It doesn't get ear infections.

Coffee does its job. I like coffee.

I would set the grind to a classic four.

Not too coarse and not too fine.

Then the water hits a nice wide surface.

-The main thing is that it kicks.

-Ever tried green tea?

-I like your humor.

-The only tea I like is Tea-quila.

We understand each other.

-You're a Virgo!

-Excuse me?

Your zodiac sign. Virgo is

the only sign that matches Scorpio.

-Petty, pedantic.

-Self-opinionated.

Check what the stars say

about who's emptying the dishwasher today!

Hold on.

Yes.

-The "No Thank You" card.

-Yes, sure.

-Do you have any feelings for each other?

-Yes.

Disgust, anger, contempt, hatred.

You are a Virgo, right?

Yes, I'm a Virgo.

Honestly, I don't believe in all

that nonsense. Horoscopes and that stuff.

Black cats or something.

No, Friday 13th, I'm happy.

Why? Because Friday. Weekend.

Whenever a month starts with a Sunday,

it automatically has a Friday 13th.

-No.

-Yes.

It is all quite logical mathematics.

Without superstition.

I don't believe in superstition.

Brings misfortune.

There.

There's about to be a misfortune

if I don't get some coffee!

With pleasure.

The Lovers card. For the boss.

-For me?

-Oh God.

Let me give you some advice.

Run far and fast.

But the Lovers card

The lovers represent the fulfillment

that you will find in your partner.

And that relatively soon.

You don't say. Really now?

You just said

that you don't believe in it.

-If it's something good

-It doesn't matter if it's good or bad.

Of course!

-You are an Aquarius.

-How do you know that?

Yes, but I don't believe in that.

The Nine of Swords for you.

Nine of Swords for you, Michael.

What does that mean?

Well, you have a lot of fears,

worries, doubts right now.

Yeah, come on, everybody has a low point.

Yeah. We already reached our low point,

but he has to keep digging!

There. The Nine of Coins.

That's the second nine for you.

That clearly indicates

a lack of self-love.

And in connection to that,

a failed relationship?

As if such cards would say

anything about my life.

-Hey, it's all energy.

-Says your coffee grounds?

Albert Einstein.

And you have to open yourself up

a bit to the whole thing, Michael.

Yeah, open. Easy for you to say,

you have the Lovers card.

-I didn't draw it!

-The Hanged Man for you!

I'm about to hang someone here

if I don't get my coffee soon!

Coming right up! Quick question.

The Hanged Man. How was he hanged?

Definitely hung lovingly, right?

You just take it easy with

your coins and swords.

Lack of self-love?

This combination is very rare.

But rare, good?

Yes, for sure. Definitely.

Maybe the hanged man just hangs a little.

On a horizontal bar. For example.

You've been lonely for a long time.

Lonely?

The Hanged Man together

with the Lovers, I can see

that you've accepted loneliness

for quite some time.

Yes. No.

-After Mom, was there someone?

-Sure.

Who?

There was Zecke Neuendorf.

There was Marcelinho.

-What?

-Hertha BSC.

-In Berlin!

-On the Spree!

There's only Hertha BSC!

-We understand each other!

-Yes.

Have you ever thought about

an extended warranty for the device?

Is this also available for him?

I would like to return him.

He's not as described

on the website. Quality is poor.

And I think I've seen him

somewhere else a little cheaper.

-Michael, can you get the certificate?

-No.

You never had a relationship since Mom?

-Car?

-Why not?

-Family business. Gross.

-Okay.

-Well, when your mother left me

-Stop!

-You left Mom and me.

-No, not at all.

Back then, your mother went

with you to Munich. To her parents.

But Mom always said

-that you left us back then.

-No.

Absolutely not. I wanted to go on.

We had our problems, but she left.

The Empress.

The cards say it very clearly.

-It was this woman who hurt you so much.

-Yes, maybe.

Crazy. I didn't know that at all.

So that's the reason you never had

-a relationship again?

-Doesn't matter now.

-She is his great love.

-My goodness.

I can understand why it's

sometimes problematic with this dude.

Yes.

I'm just saying what's in the cards.

I have a video call coming up,

and if I don't get

my coffee by then, I'll be in a bad mood.

Understood?

-We don't want that.

-No, not at all.

-Nice and tight, yeah?

-Yes.

Since Mom broke up with you back then,

would you theoretically

still want to go on?

What? What makes you think that?

She didn't want to anymore!

Her parents thought I was a total sh*t.

So what was I supposed to do?

-Did Mom ever tell you how we met?

-No, tell me.

She was still

working back then. In a café.

But Mom was a student when you met.

With a job on the side. Why?

She says I'm not allowed to work

so I can focus fully on my studies.

The High Priestess.

Yes, there seem to be many secrets.

And a big lie,

which will be revealed very soon

That's enough now. Nobody asked you or

your stupid cards anything! Honestly.

-Stop playing with cards now.

-It's not playing, it's my calling.

Yes, and my calling is sleeping!

And do you see me sleeping? No!

Empathy has something

to do with intelligence.

But well, that's where

the problem starts.

Mom worked at the café?

And that's where you met?

I still had a permanent job then

And I was at work,

was supposed to get a coffee for my boss.

I went to the café. There she was.

And then I woke up in the hospital.

She came up to me

with four cups of hot coffee.

She runs into me. I got knocked out,

got seven stitches on my head,

burns all over. It was beautiful.

That's how it was.

Everything went fast. Then you came,

and then everything was different.

That means you were happy

before I was born?

We didn't even really know each other.

I was doing my master, she was studying.

It was just complicated. Exhausting.

Of course, you're more susceptible

to serious diseases, right?

There are even studies that show

that married men live longer overall.

-Who says that?

-Various studies.

-Great.

-For my sake, I'll be the exception.

Well, we finally agree on something!

-I'll just be a second.

-Yes, please.

I think it'd be nice

if you found someone again.

Really?

I always thought that the separation

was a big problem for you.

Separation is completely normal.

You know, Dad, it was never

about the separation for me.

I was just sad

that you weren't there anymore.

I would've liked to be there more.

-Really?

-Of course.

But with your mother and me,

it didn't work out that way.

For a separation,

in the end, both are to blame.

Yes. Husband and mother-in-law.

Love is also only

an illusion of our immune system,

which is stronger

through contact with others.

Yes. Or is that what you call love?

Nah, that's called marriage.

Love lasts three months.

Then the brain is at peace again.

Still

I think, if you find someone in life,

where you can be as you truly are,

and who still wants

to see you naked in the evening

That's love.

And when Hertha wins!

BSC! Olé!

In Berlin

On the Spree!

There's only Hertha BSC!

Staying together because of

the children is no solution either.

I don't understand.

This is a toxic relationship here.

All you do is argue.

Excuse me?

And?

These days there are alternative

models of family, and they can work too.

He's got a point there! Kind of.

We're not arguing at all.

Yes, we may not

always agree on everything,

but hey arguing? Come on.

Okay. Before anyone gets hurt,

I'll check on the twins.

You carry on. And not a peep! Understood?

Sorry.

Hello Robert!

-Nora! Nice.

-Totally.

You stinking, drooling wreck.

Just seeing you makes

me want to rub myself down with alcohol,

you brainless amoeba.

You make me intolerant even without

lactose, you bicycle helmet incarnate!

I really want to run into you again!

With a car or something!

You worm fart! You character barracks!

-What?

-You heard me perfectly,

-you pistachio!

-Pistachio?

Well, look at you! You call that hair?

You bald, ugly pistachio, you!

When I say pistachio, I mean one that's

all closed up and nobody can get open,

and that everybody hates!

Dude, you really look like

you grew up in a dark, humid environment!

-I am from Bielefeld.

-Man, now hold your head to the side,

so your brain can finally come together!

You are like a house in the suburbs!

You're as irritating as toilet cleaner!

When I see your face,

then I have to think of soccer.

From the '20s!

-I am 42.

-Quiet!

Dude, no matter what you say,

all I hear is the sound of Super Mario,

when he dies! You ugly sack knight!

So, and now it's over,

you cold cheeseburger with extra pickle!

Extra pickle?

Wow. Well, that was really

hot.

-Thanks.

-You're welcome.

Same time tomorrow?

-I'm looking forward to it!

-Great. Alrighty. Bye-bye.

Cheers.

-What?

-Nothing.

I still have to ask a quick question.

What was that?

All right, I lied.

My calling is not sleeping.

It is insulting. There are men

who like to be humiliated and insulted.

-Hi darling. How did it go?

-Hi.

Great. You and the twins,

you got me perfectly in the mood.

I'm glad to hear that.

From the outside,

all relationships are a bit strange,

-but this is sick somehow.

-Why?

We just do what we're good at.

He's annoying, I do insults.

And she earns a lot of cash with it.

So. Now what about my espresso?

-Yeah, what about the espresso?

-It's coming.

Finally.

The machine has to flush on its own once.

It does that when you switch it on. Here.

It'll be over in a minute.

No

What was that?

-The flushing function.

-Flushing

-It's louder in cleaning mode.

-Even louder?

I thought it was a coffee machine,

not a helicopter!

Can you deactivate the flushing function?

Deactivate the flushing function, Micha?

No, it won't work. right?

That happens

when switching on and off.

-And sometimes in between.

-Rarely.

How can we make coffee

when the twins are asleep?

Well, maybe get it from the bakery?

I'll show you bakery in a minute,

you lacquered milk roll!

Honey. You can use

the machine for work, it'll be great.

So the ultimate source of hate?

Yes.

Coffee is good for everything.

Just have to throw the cup hard enough.

There you go.

-I love you.

-I love you.

How long have the twins been asleep?

Well, we still have at least ten minutes.

I only need five.

I only need two.

I'll turn your ears into a clothes dryer.

Yes, give me device names.

Sweet. Come here.

The Coke is full of sugar again.

Ruby

Let's talk about it again.

Girlfriend?

-Women, right?

-Yes, women

Difficult. Wanna talk about it?

Nah, it's fine. But thanks.

Although

What would you say if you were at a party

and happened to see

that your girlfriend's cell phone

automatically connected

to the host's Wi-Fi?

Technically skilled,

that's rather unusual for a woman.

She said she only met him briefly at uni.

And then her cell phone

automatically connects

to the host's Wi-Fi? I mean

That says it all, doesn't it?

-Did you ask her?

-What's left for me to ask?

Whether Well

But you know, my grandpa once told me

Every morning, he split a roll so that he

got the bottom and my grandma got the top.

That went on like this for almost

50 years. And then he found out by chance

that my grandma actually preferred the

bottom and my grandpa preferred the top.

Do you understand?

Fifty years, the wrong half of the roll.

Why? Because they didn't talk about it.

Yes.

-Maybe I should call.

-That's a good idea.

-Now? Here? Or now?

-Yes.

And?

Everything is fine.

See? What did I say?

MEANWHILE IN

BORNHOLMER STREE

Bornholmer Hut