01x01 - The Bath

[bunniefuu]

[alarm blaring]

[metal scraping]

[clank]

[blaring stops]

Shh.

[speaking Spanish]

[panting]

[muffled scream]

[whimpering]

[screams]

[whimpering]

[growling]

[whimpering]

- [growls]

- [screaming]

What made you think

this was a good idea?

- f*ck even is mudlarking?

- Oh, right. Yeah.

How about piss

off then? Not now.

It was a good idea!

It was. It was a good idea.

I was gonna just spot

the diamond in the mud

and then pull the ring out

all, "Oh, babe, what's this?"

[phone ringing]

It's Kai.

Oh, sh*t.

- Yeah?

- sh*t.

Just keep it in, mate.

It's all right, mate.

We all do stupid things.

Don't be too hard

on yourself, yeah.

Was a 5,000-quid ring, Ant.

All right, be very

hard on yourself.

That's moronic just to

leave that lying around.

What you doing?

I'm just a f*cking I'm

an idiot. I'm a f*cking

- Come on.

- I'm a waste.

Jesus f*cking

Look, come here.

f*cking course she

f*cking deserves it.

Look at ya. You're beautiful.

She'd be lucky to have you.

I was gonna point to those

million quid penthouses, yeah?

And tell her, "That's

where we're going, babe!

That's where I'm

taking you in life.

Because you are a queen."

My queen.

You wanted to tell her you're

taking her to Woolwich?

[snorting]

f*ck off, Ant.

[chuckling]

Hey, f*cking look.

You just just

breathe a second, right?

Think about it.

Close your eyes. Go to

your little mind palace.

Come on. [inhales deeply]

Ant: Not this sh*t again.

[exhales]

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

f*ck it.

["Gasolina" by

Daddy Yankee plays]

I f*cking love you!

Take it easy.

Yeah, he's ready.

Get down here.

We love you.

Ryan: Right, where are

we doing your stag?

Hooray! Wakey, wakey!

[laughter]

Arriba!

Welcome to

Le gusta gasolina ♪

Dame mas gasolina ♪

[phone ringing]

[toilet flushing]

[ringing continues]

Sam:Hi. Babe?

Are you okay?

Not good.

I feel the madness starting

already and I just

just wanted to hear your voice.

Stu, I love you. Look

after Kai and my dad.

Sam, I've got to go.

[retching, vomiting]

[toilet flushing]

That was really horrible,

I mean, that was.

Well, we all did it.

You wouldn't understand.

Listen.

Whilst we're here, you're

the best mans, right?

Mine. All mine.

Just like old times.

Agreed?

Oi. Taking ages.

I'm stuck listening to Clem

and you're gonna whine on about

your university days, Stu.

I need a f*cking

brain bath after that.

Listen, it's like

old times, right?

So I don't want any

of this nicey, nicey.

- I just want worst behaviours.

- Mate, wise up.

I'm a f*cking mister wife

and f*cking kids now.

And Stu wouldn't be settling

down, getting married

like a sad twat if

that's what he wanted.

Speak for yourself, Ant.

Listen, what happens in

Mexico stays in Mexico.

Who's in Mexico?

Oh, shut up. Look, listen.

We are all here. Seven

of us have flew in.

No, eight of us.

Greg's coming later.

Greg? Who the f*ck is Greg?

He's Good boy is Greg.

- You'll like him.

- Who f*cking cares?

I want f*cking best

friends, fun in the sun.

Fun, fun, fun, f*cking

big soapy t*ts.

Simple f*cking fun.

And I don't care if

it's not Mexico, okay?

What happens in not Mexico,

stays in not Mexico.

Right. Boop.

Get out.

What am I doing?

["Simon Says" by

Pharoahe Monch plays]

Shh. My dad.

Oh, no.

Oh, come on, mate. This is

a stag do, yeah, isn't it?

Yeah. And I have a wife at

kids at home these days, mate.

We're not 16

anymore, are we, Kai?

Might be time to act like it.

[all grunting]

Clem, Hugo, come

on. Don't be shy.

You two never a couple then?

- No. Jesus Christ, no.

- Sorry.

Did he say much to you

about us lot? Did he?

All right, Kai. Let's have a

look at your fourth nipple.

Uh, not really, to be honest.

[banging]

Pipe down, will ya?

Police! Police! Open up!

You'll get us all nicked.

Ello, mate. You all right?

Where's Stu? Stu!

[yells]

- Greg!

- Come on.

[chanting] Greg! Greg! Greg!

Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg!

Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg!

Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg!

Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg!

Greg! Greg! Greg!

[yells]

Time, soul, and peace of mind.

Double stitched,

though, isn't it?

Have yourself a look at that.

Have yourself a look at that.

- It's silk. Silk?

- Yeah, lovely, isn't it?

Isn't it lovely? Isn't

it f*cking lovely?

Hey, could I see

that, por favor?

Hey.

What do you do in London?

I work for like a tech start-up.

Like a tech finance start-up.

He wants to give

children credit cards.

♪

Could I call you Dad

because I just feel so

lucky to marry into this

this family, right?

The best family. Yeah.

Just you wait.

Wait and see what it'll be.

- Hey!

- Hey!

Have a go at this.

- No?

- I'm fine.

[sniffs]

- Andale, andale!

- [laughs]

- Oh, there he is!

- [cheering]

[shouting]

Jumping up so f*cking high!

[cheering]

[lights buzzing]

[woman on p.a. speaking Spanish]

We'd be through by now if we

just used the first gates.

Okay. It was too bright.

Too many screaming kids.

No regrets here, though.

These will open soon enough.

I got Zoom calls to do,

for work. With grownups.

Clem: I had to open my eyes

with my fingers this morning.

Right.

- Ryan?

- What?

Are you f*cking

having a laugh, or

- What?

- No, no, no, no.

- Why'd you bring it here?

- Just f*cking relax.

Small quantities are fine, yeah?

They're not looking

for small quantities.

Your f*cking nose.

Are you carrying coke?

Have you've never seen

"Banged Up Abroad"?

Yeah, exactly.

People do it all the

f*cking time, all right?

Oi, oi, shh, shh.

Watch this.

[sniffs, clears throat]

What's he

[man speaking Spanish]

[man speaking Spanish]

[electronic whirring]

[intense music]

Hey!

[heartbeats pounding]

Gracias.

Stupid, lucky

Clem: Why do I associate

with the prick b*stards?

Hey! What a legend!

What a le A legend, is it?

[speaking Italian]

You're not kids doing

dares in the park anymore.

Stu, your mates are

special cases, understand?

Cave people who live in a cave.

Square wheels on their cars.

Went on f*cking

airplanes. Just morons.

- No one likes you, Hugo.

- Settle down, mates.

That one? Midnight

Express over there,

trying to get us all arrested.

Ryan talks about you nonstop.

Pretty sure he actually

wants to f*ck you, Stu.

- Like full sex.

- You don't even know us, mate.

You're his fake mates from Uni.

Kai, Kai. No offence

little fella but, yes.

Yes, I do. You You're

an enchanted donkey.

Someone put a spell on

you and now you can talk.

Me next then, is it, Hugo?

Hugo: "Oh, I miss my family."

- Please, boy.

- [arguing]

- Behave yourselves.

- You f*cking wank.

- Calm it down, man.

- La vie de twat!

sh*t time with sh*t people.

Go back to the Shire with

all the other Hobbits.

- Stu.

- Clem, they're just

Stu, what's up with Greg?

[groaning]

I'm fine.

I think I need to sh*t.

I think I need to sh*t.

[barking]

[speaking Spanish]

[barking continues]

Cocaine?

A lot. A lot of it.

The balloon's planted

in his stomach.

He's very lucky to be alive.

Sorry. Balloon? You

did say balloon?

Yeah.

[blowing]

You know, balloon?

Yeah, I know what a

bloody balloon is, mate.

- Stu?

- What?

Why did Greg need a

different layover flight

to the rest of us?

[man shouting in Spanish]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, hey!

[all shouting]

Please. Please.

No, it's okay.

I'm a vet. Uh,medica. Medica.

Doctora.

Clem. Clem.

Leave her alone. She's

done nothing wrong.

Am Am I still

getting married?

Am I still getting married?

[shouting in Spanish]

[shouting in Spanish]

I don't understand.

There's women here too.

So, what have they

done with Clem?

I just don't understand

how this could be happening

without us even going

in front of a judge.

Silencio!

And it was only Greg

that was smuggling.

You put your hands up to

this whole f*cking mess.

You hear me?

Dickhead, oi!

The whole f*cking thing,

do you understand?

[giggles]

- [punch lands]

- f*cking idiot!

He's just had an operation.

What are you thinking about?

Open up his bloody stitches?

Guard:Silencio! Silencio!

Come on.

[shouting in Spanish]

You're trying to

get us all k*lled?

The f*ck are you doing?

Come on.

Come on.

[panting]

- Keep going.

- [groaning]

- [machine g*n firing]

- [shouting in Spanish]

f*ck!

♪

Ant: f*ck me.

I thought it was gonna

be like Alcatraz,

but this is f*cking worse.

Makes Guantanamo look bougie.

- [gate slides open]

- [man shouting in Spanish]

[shouting in Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

Oh, f*ck.

[grunting]

No, no!

Oh, bloody hell.

This poor b*stard's

hit in the skull.

Jesus.

We're f*cked.

Orale!

Do you need any help?

[groaning]

Stu, what the f*ck you doing?

[coughing]

Did you see the

[man speaking Spanish]

Ant: We're in a

prison in a country

famous for overcrowded prisons.

Why is this bit empty?

So, where's the

prison walls then?

As in, where's the prison walls?

No idea. They look like

they're going somewhere.

Jesus Christ. Am I going mad?

Is he making a run for it?

[r*fle c*ck]

- [gasps]

- f*ck!

D Did Did

that just happen?

Yeah.

Over there. Looks important.

Civilized action, yeah?

Right. Let's get in there.

I'll do the shouting.

You do the translating.

John, where you going?

He needs a doctor.

- I'm fine.

- What about

What he's trying to tell

you, Kai, right, is f*ck him.

- And f*ck us.

- Even as a little kid,

you always were a mouth.

Put no more words

in mine, as*h*le!

What I was gonna say is we

go in there, me and Kai,

find whoever's wearing

the biggest bloody hat,

demand to see the

British Consulate

for the lot of us, understand?

Mean time, you lot

stretch your legs,

try finding a

doctor for that one.

[sighs] Come on.

We'll be as quick as we can.

You're still a

f*cking show, Ryan.

Right, we need to sort this out.

I'll tell you right now,

I am not moving a muscle

toward that f*cking stain.

I'm fine.

To be fair, mate, Greg

wasn't the only one

trying to shift drugs pass an

international border, was he?

f*ck off, you soppy twat.

That is completely bloody

different, you know it is.

[scoffs]

Right.

Dickheads, mate.

- Ry! Ryan.

- Hold tight, yeah.

We'll be back with

help, all right?

I'm fine.

Hugo, you you good, yeah?

Get in there. Go.

Ryan!

No dying.

Hey, hey.

You stupid b*stard.

I'm fine.

[wheezing]

Ryan! Ryan.

- We're mates, yeah?

- What you talking about?

'Cause mates

mates don't do that.

Mates don't palm mates off

like they're some f*cking

worm or something.

Do they, though?

It just wasn't

He's bleeding through his

clothes. You wanna do this now?

We're supposed to have

each other's backs, yeah?

Since school, since f*cking

school I've had yours.

We was the Three Musketeers.

You, me, and Kai, of course.

Now you've been on

walkabout with Sam and Uni

and f*cking bumming it about

with flipping Clem and f*cking

What's his name back there?

f*cking dickhead boss baby.

- Hugo.

- Hugo. Thank you.

But I just need to know that

you still know what's important.

Uh, there might be

a way out of here.

Right? So, is it

still me and you, Stu?

We're Friends.

Oh, God, for

Of course I have

your back, Ryan.

All right?

All for one and one for all.

[sniffing]

f*ck it. Let's go get him

a f*cking doctor then.

[grunting]

Yep.

Uh, no, no.

[whistling]

Stu: Just walk.

There's gotta be a

doctor in here somewhere.

- What's going on here?

- Why the f*ck you're asking me?

Don't look 'em in the eyes.

[chattering in Spanish]

This is insane. Insane.

Is this even a f*cking prison?

Rouge f*cking state maybe.

[chickens squawking]

Chickens.

Lads, lads, lads.

Enfermería, right?

That must mean there's a

doctor pointing this way.

Come on, come on,

come on. Let's go.

Go on. Ask him.

[speaking in Spanish]

Here's the story we spin

to whatever it is

lives behind the door,

and I will demand they're

both innocent of all charges,

caught up among some scum.

No, I wouldn't even be here if

Stu wasn't marrying that Sam.

We want to see the governor.

[gentle music]

You all right?

Well, they're my friends, Dad.

[sighs]

[man speaking Spanish]

[eerie music]

Take a seat please, gentlemen.

Man:Rápido!

Why'd you have to be such a

f*cking idiot and do this to us?

[groans] f*ck.

I'm okay.

[groans] It's

just a small cut.

Wonder what they'll want.

Greg: You can handle them.

You work with kids, right?

I work for a company

trying to infect children

with a taste for high

interest credit, Greg.

I never said I was Patch Adams.

Uh, Doctor.

Doctor.Sí?

Por favor.

Computer voice: You need

money. I sell money.

Dad borrow from

his boss, Branco.

He's crazy. Talk to me.

I work for Selma.

She is reasonable.

Uh, he needs a doctor.

You should get him to a doctor.

Sí! Por favor. That's

what I'm f*cking saying.

Everything here costs money.

You have no money.

Borrow Selma's money.

f*cking kids.

Selma's deals are sh*t.

Borrow from Branco.

What the f*ck is a Branco?

- Branco is the boss.

- Right, how much?

Both phones:35 percent a week.

Get a job here, pay me back,

or Branco takes the

value out of you.

Out of me? Out of me?

What does that even mean?

Por favor, amigo.

Sí, sí. Por favor.

No, you give me the

phone first. Thank you

Por favor.

Greg, what are you doing?

We're not accepting this.

You're dying anyway.

It's too expensive.

f*cking Lehman Brothers.

¿Comprende?

Greg: It's too late.

I've sorted it.

[girl speaking Spanish]

Great.

- [banging]

- Hello!

Por favor! Por favor!

It's an emergency, man!

- [rattling]

- Stu, they're f*cking staring.

Stu, we've tried, right?

- What?

- You're making a scene.

[rattling]

Oh, sh*t.

Uh, you you you a doctor?

El

Me-Medical.

Sí.

[speaking Spanish]

Mi Mi amigo Uh,

mi amigo is muy

[groans]

[man speaking Spanish]

Buggered if I know. Sorry.

I can mainly order lager, mate.

Nice one.

Uh, who's going to say yes?

Sí, señor. Sí.

No, no, no, senor,

mi mi amigo

[speaking Spanish]

Just get inside.

You seem to think

you're being held here

as criminals, is that correct?

Well, I mean, we

are in a prison.

You certainly are.

A prison in which you're

being held on remand

until such time as your case

goes before a state

judge for decision.

So, how long will that be then?

Five or six years

is a good guess

to face trial,

there thereabouts.

Courts in this country are

sadly rather backed up.

We're British citizens,

you daft prick.

Whatever sh*t shape your

banana republic's laid up in

is hardly any of his or

my b*stard doing, is it?

I take no issue with

alerting the British Embassy

to the facts of your presence

for all the good I

imagine it will do.

Eight westerners

with an objection

to being caught with lots

of drugs in an airport.

Ssss. Ay.

Look, forget the

others. Bin 'em.

What can you can do

for me and my son here?

We are wrongly wrapped

up in all of this,

and I can swear to that.

You'll find, gentlemen,

that El Porco

n*gro operates best

according to an

ecosystem all of its own.

The black pig?

It's wisest to go with the flow.

[beep]

[eerie orchestral music]

Hello? Hello?

- [tapping]

- Hello!

[distant yell]

[man speaking Spanish]

Morfina.

h*, h*, h*.

No, senor, no.

Um,mi amigo is, uh

No mi amigo, no mi

amigo, mi amigo!

He-He-He has [imitates

gurgling, retching]

f*cking Oh

Boom!

[groaning]

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

All right, yeah. Close enough.

[speaking Spanish]

Yeah, senor So can

we andale, por favor.

Mi amigo is

Oh!"Mi amigo, mi

amigo, mi amigo!"

[speaking Spanish]

- What's happening?

- [shouts in Spanish]

- What the f*ck?

- [shouts in Spanish]

What is that?

Off!

- Off!

- All right.

- f*ck off!

- Just do it. Do it.

Come here. You remember me.

- ¿Es este tu amigo?

- No, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- No mi amigo.

[p*stol c*ck]

No, no, no, no,

no! He's not my

He's not my mate.

- [shouting]

- Jesus!

Oh, f*ck!

Jesus Christ, man!

[panting]

Oh, my God.

Hey. Hey, guys!

I want you to know, if I could,

I would be clapping right now.

You saved my life, okay?

You really are the white men

I've been waiting

for my whole life.

What are you talking

Who Who are you?

Forget about that.

How 'bout getting me

untied first, okay?

- I can help you.

- Why has he got you

- in a bath there with ice?

- Yeah. Why?

It's a treatment for

my skin, you know.

And I wanted to

lose some weight.

So he could harvest my organs!

My liver. My kidneys.

Last week's fried

fish I had for lunch.

Whatever the hell else

this loco puto could pull

out of me alive to sell on

Come on. Help me, please.

[overlapping shouting]

Hey! Guys!

You f*cking go over there.

f*ck!

There are instruments there

to cut. Something and a knife.

Uh, okay. This should work.

Where'd you learn your English?

Like, it's really good.

Oh!

[speaking Spanish]

Tell you later. Ahh!

Once I've coaxed my ba*ls

back out of my stomach.

[groaning]

Mate, he's getting

up! He's getting up!

What do I do? What

the f*ck do I do?

Hey, hey! Forget him.

He's the shittiest guy.

Don't even feel a

bit bad about him.

[shouting in Spanish]

Help me. Help me.

Help me. Quickly. Come on.

[shouting]

- Don't sh**t! Don't sh**t!

- Stay away. Hey!

- Stay away, yeah?

- No, no, no, no. Amigo!

Amigo!

Where is he going?

What What What's going on?

Greg:Gracias. Gracias.

[groaning]

Go, go, go!

We gotta go. We gotta

go. We gotta go.

You guys look mental.

Just calm down.

Look, things are

looking up, right?

The prison's obviously sent

these suave-looking

articles to get Brits into.

John, we need to

get out of here now.

I don't know if you've noticed,

but we're in a bloody prison.

Are the embassy coming?

Are they coming to get us?

Do our families know?

Does Ruby know yet?

Look Look, I don't know.

What does that mean?

It means It means what

it means. What can I say?

- What does it mean? Tell me!

- It means I don't know!

I don't know, I don't have

the bloody answers, all right?

f*ck.

We're f*cking kids, man. f*ck.

This can't be happening.

This can't be real.

[gentle Spanish guitar music]

[speaking Spanish]

Woman: Help

yourselves to a seat.

Um, look, I don't

know what this is,

but maybe sit the f*ck down.

We're not safe.

Here, not safe.

That doctor we went to find.

There's a mini f*cking city

the other side of that arch

From London with love, yes?

Hurricane. Warm beer.

Park life.

Oi, oi.

So, if you had to

put a number on it,

how rich would you say your

sick friend actually is?

Uh, sorry. You

mean You mean Greg?

So, just before passing out,

I'm told that Greg,

let it be known,

that his family owns a

massive bakery in the UK

called Greg's.

And that's why he's called Greg.

Any truth to that?

Well, I couldn't say for sure.

He's kind of a

private sort of guy.

Why are you in

here? Which crime?

Greg

Uh, Greg

tried smuggling cocaine

to, uh, England in

his, uh, stomach.

Oh.

A mule.

Greg's a mule.

Your friend Greg is

not a millionaire.

Hmm.

It is an expensive thing to

purchase emergency surgery

when you are outside prison,

but it is an incredibly

expensive thing

to purchase while in prison.

Everybody with me so far?

So

[clears throat]

Either Greg is

what he says he is.

A secret millionaire who

for some yet unknown reason

is transporting petty

quantities of drugs

across continents

in his own stomach

or I have a bunch of Brits

who owe me, say,

$200,000.

Uh

$200,000?

With all due respect,

love, that's, um

I mean, that's crazy.

That's crazy.

[sighs]

There's nothing

crazy about it, love.

It is your new situation.

You owe me a lot of money,

and if you don't pay up,

I start chopping you up

and mailing you back to your

family in little pieces.

Guys, I take it from here.

Um, would you be happy

if we took a bridging loan

from an individual

called, um, I think,

uh, Branco?

Happy?

Branco is my brother.

We are two parts of the

same body in many ways.

But the fact is you

don't borrow money

from the as*h*le to

pay back the brain.

Cheer up, muchachos.

Maybe sneaky Greg is a

millionaire after all,

or you little piggies

better come up with a plan.

[dramatic music]

Stu, does Greg have that money?

Stu?

Stu?

Un fax.

[speaking in Spanish]

Gracias.

Muchas gracias.

Fantastico.

Uh, he say it's

from the embassy.

Uh, right. Um

They are aware

of our situation.

Okay.

They're aware of our situation.

Is that supposed

to be f*cking it?

- What's the rest of it say?

- It always says, um

It says

we're facing a hundred years.

Wha

No way. No way.

What?

Bollocks.

And then it's just signed.

It's signed "Bernerd."

- It's just signed Bernerd.

- Who the f*ck is Bernerd?

Sorry. Uh, how do you even get

a 100-year worth of

coke in one stomach?

They've got nothing on us, so

they're having to make sh*t up.

You know, I think

this is good news.

This is good news, boys.

In what possible sense could

this be good news, Dad?

Because if they're

making sh*t up,

then they must know we should

have never been arrested

in the first place.

[clears throat]

[speaking Spanish]

He says the embassy have

arranged a cell for us.

[laughing]

Thank you, Bernerd!

The embassy, they're

looking after us.

End's in sight. It is.

Maybe he's right.

100 years, that is ridiculous.

Like, too ridiculous.

It's a f*cking stitch-up.

There you go.

Three lines on the

shirt, not out yet.

Um

[both speaking Spanish]

What did I tell you, boys?

I wonder if breakfast

is included.

Can you take it down

a notch, please?

f*ck it. Do you think this means

we get a phone call now, too?

It's gonna be all right.

sh*t.

sh*t.

That's not gonna be us, mate.

It's nothing.

[indistinct chattering]

Ryan: There's the

f*cking ice bath.

We've, uh We've found Clem.

Clem, where the hell did you

Do you know who I am?

I'm a man who you owe

pair of working kidneys.

According this poor b*stard.

[speaking Spanish]

Uh

Sorry about the chair.

[all gasping]

Right.

So, there is two fresh kidneys,

and I think I should have

another one for my trouble.

So,

who's getting in

the f*cking bath?

I think it might be

more than Greg in on it.

Greg definitely had help.

- I was defending my friends.

- We think he is a liar.

- Stu's sitting there for what?

- Something not right there.

The way things used to be done

around here had more ba*ls.

[shouts]

So, how do we get

out of here, huh?

Are you f*cking in?

It's my rules, understand?

Does anyone got the first idea

what the f*ck is going on here?