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01x04 - The Phone

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Stags". Aired: 15 August 2024.*
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Series follows groom-to-be Stu and his friends on his stag do in South America.

01x04 - The Phone

Post by bunniefuu »

We think he'd better do

what we ask him to.

[Stu] Apparently, the cocaine

factory are always

- looking for new people.

- [speaking Spanish]

[Branco] Some more champagne,

Señor Gomez?

I currently have a cirrhotic

liver, you f*cking idiot.

I will tell your friends

the truth.

- Greg f*cked up.

- What are you doing?!

We were always told,

call this number

if we hit trouble.

[Davide] I think it is very,

um, fashionable, these days,

Señor Gomez, to be a b*tch.

[chuckling]

[Selma] Do you know

what this is? It's a land mine.

You will place this

underneath the seat cushion

on my brother's chair.

[Ryan] Greg wasn't the only one

trying to shift drugs

past an international border,

was he?

Greg made me do it.

- You lying little sh*t!

- [grunting]

[cracking]

[Branco] Davide!

[birdsong]

- [singsongy] Luba

- [romantic guitar music]

[man singing in Spanish]

- [laughter]

- [playful growling]

No, no!

[laughter]

[sighs]

[speaking Spanish]

[Branco]

[speaking Spanish]

[muffled groaning]

[Branco]

[door slams]

[chuckles]

[screaming]

[chain rattling]

[growling]

[clinking]

[Ryan] Finally.

Are you here to get us out?

[Kai]

[Kai] Bloody hell.

Un familia.

[Ryan] What did she Kai,

what did she just say? Kai!

There's a "sh**t on sight"

order out on us.

We need to lie low.

If they find us, we're dead.

How do you get

into these f*ck?

You just bite into them.

Ali Baba got all the angles.

Look, how Ask her even-

Why is she even helping us?

Why she brought us here?

William Tell, Kai.

Another man with an apple

who loved his boy.

- How's your head, John?

- It's a bit hot.

[Ryan] Stu, you just

let us know now

if you've got any more secrets

hidden up your arse.

- [crowd clamoring]

- [lively music]

[speaking Spanish]

[wailing]

[wailing]

[lively music continues]

♪♪♪

[crunching]

[loud repeated thudding]

[insects buzzing]

[Gemma] It's fun to have

a roommate.

If Selma's gone to the trouble

of keeping you alive

and locking you in here,

it's because

she needs something from you.

But when she gets

that something,

you will be k*lled.

Can we just not talk? Please.

If you wanna live,

then your one option is escape.

If you wanna escape,

then your one option, it's me.

Get that door open.

Get me out. I've got a plan.

I am your option.

Why are you locked up in here?

[inhales sharply] Drug mule

they charged me with,

which is bullshit, by the way,

because I'm totally innocent.

I just trusted

some f*cking as*h*le.

No. Why are you locked up

in here? In here.

Oh.

Because she's f*cking insane.

You're not her friend.

You're her pet.

Probably the same reason

you are in here. In here.

[clinking]

[Selma] Gomez is on his way,

so get ready.

You're doing the work.

No more unhelpful surprises.

If it's today,

you will be dead by tonight.

[Selma] Come on.

I don't want you to be late.

[lock clinks]

[Selma]

Where are they, Miguel?

If Branco finds them first,

then we're f*cked.

No more mistakes, señora.

I promise we'll find

the gringos before Branco.

I want my f*cking scapegoats!

♪♪♪

Was it in all of our suitcases?

Uh

I don't know. I can't remember.

That's what it said

in the fax from the embassy.

Yeah. Yeah, it was.

Nice, mate, 'cause I lied.

[Ryan] How?

Tell me how, Stu.

The f*ck you wanna deny

you did it?

Mate, what difference

does it make?

How'd you do it?

The f*cking

flight home.

Yeah? The night one.

We booked the late one specially

so that all the luggage would

get locked up at the hotel.

f*cking Jesus Christ.

- Who even are you?

- Wasn't my idea, was it?

It was f*cking Greg that

actually planted all the coke.

[John] f*ck off it was Greg.

Who do you think you're

shining on at this stage?

You worm.

[scoffs]

Worm?

Is your head all right, John?

You never told a lie, huh?

All I wanted was

to be good enough for Sam.

[scoffs]

Good enough for Sam?

You really are deluded.

Tell me this, cheeky chops.

Where is Greg?

How the f*ck should I know?

He He made me do it.

He made me do it!

He You honestly

don't know what it was like.

- He was dangerous.

- Was?

I know I f*cked up. Yeah?

I know that.

But look.

Look at this. This.

This could seriously still be

our way out of here, Ry.

- Is that a f*cking

- That's a phone.

You told me that Greg

had f*cking knicked that.

Yeah, I did. I did. But that,

that's the thing, right?

I-I just need to

I just need to tell you lot

the truth now. Thought I

I couldn't find Greg.

He was gone.

Ry, mate, he was gone.

By the time

I went to give him this,

he was already gone!

And I couldn't tell you that

I got in touch with London

without him, could I?

London?

Who the f*ck are you

supposed to be now,

John Le Carre?

The The people the coke

belonged to have connections.

Yeah? They put a bribe

in the right pocket,

we'll be out of here.

This phone just has to ring,

and this whole mess is over.

Are you that f*cking slow?

The clue's in the name. Mule.

You're expendable.

They don't need you.

Phone. Give it. I'll have it.

- No.

- Give it!

Ry, help me out.

[Kai] Game over, Stu.

Kai, what are you doing?

Sit back down,

you plastic f*cking gangster.

- Give it.

- Ry

I don't know what you're

always looking to Ryan for, Stu.

'Cause it was him?

When you were off traveling?

Shagging Sam?

Sam?

What Ry, what's he

What the f What's he saying?

Ry, is

'Bout time someone

said it. Banzai!

Haven't paid for all

those b*stard swing classes

to look a twat

on the dance floor, have I?

How about something

a bit more up-tempo

for the father-daughter dance.

What do you think?

You was never here.

You know, you was

like a f*cking ghost.

No one had heard from you

in months.

Yeah, you might as well

have been f*cking dead,

- for all we knew.

- What, so you

You take her home and shag her?

You creepy,

manipulative b*stard.

- We were we were sad.

- We, we, we, oi.

Have you f*cking heard yourself?

We were sad? Who's we, Ry?

This was your big chance!

You're a f*cking predator, mate!

Boys! Boys!

We agreed. Champagne

table cloths, not pink.

I don't give a f*ck

how much pink pops

in the photograph.

We agreed champagne!

Hey hey, come here.

Come here. You see what

you've done to this man?

You know what?

I can't take any more of this.

I'm getting out.

Look at how much better

life is with you in it, Ry.

Kai literally thought

let's get away from ya.

[John] End of the day,

she'll get over it, your mother.

She just runs hot and cold.

It's not worth getting

in a kerfuffle over.

Don't know what you're looking

at me for, John.

It was him

who cracked your skull open.

- No, it f*cking wasn't.

- No?

No, that was you.

This has all been f*cking you.

You talk about me

being a predator?

- What does that make you, mate?

- That's exactly what you are.

f*cking sad man.

You You are f*cking

You are poison, Stu.

You are poison all the way.

[inhales sharply]

Ahh

Well, look at that.

Look who finally

f*cking woke up.

[ballad in Spanish playing]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Watchtowers, minefield,

scorpions

snakes

And sharks,

if we made it to the sea.

And I've been trying

to calculate

if you jumped off

the cliffs here

whether or not

you'd die from it.

Oh.

Yeah.

Lovely.

You lot hearing that?

Nice bit of music.

No, Dad. I think they're

playing it to t*rture us.

Anyways, if we got past

the minefield

and jumped off the cliffs,

we could hit the rocks

and survive with just, you know,

broken bones.

Yeah, is this supposed

to be helping?

Just figuring out

our chance of survival.

So let's get real.

From where we're falling,

the heart attacks would k*ll us

before we even

[grunts]

hit the ground.

[insect buzzing]

♪♪♪

[suspenseful music]

You know,

if we make it out of this

then that's me and you f*cked.

You're saying if if we somehow

get out of here alive,

you're saying that

this might be the end

of our friendship? Is

Is that what you're saying?

[sighs]

You never even deserved her.

- Yeah?

- Yeah. Not one day

out of the lot of them

have you ever deserved her.

The world doesn't stop

f*cking turning

just 'cause you've walked

out of the room, dickhead.

- Does it not?

- No.

Your actions

have got consequences.

And in this case,

it was me, lonely.

And it was Sam, lonely.

[grunts]

- You missed.

- Yeah?

- f*ck you!

- Missed you, huh?

How f*cking could you?

[groans]

f*cking traitor!

You f*cking traitor!

You f*cking traitor!

- [lock clicks]

- Get it!

f*cking sh*t!

Get the f*ck off me.

Get the f*ck off.

Kneel down! Which little pig

shall I sh**t first, huh?

You and Hugo are murderers,

and here the price

for that is death.

Why did Hugo do what he did?

Thanks for coming.

John Dwyer, father of the bride.

Whoa, we didn't f*cking

k*ll anybody!

Hugo didn't even know Ant.

He didn't even know him.

Who the f*ck is Ant?

He was our friend.

He was our f*cking friend

they shot in the head.

Do it.

What did you pieces of sh*t

have against Davide?

- Nothing!

- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

We didn't k*ll anybody!

We didn't f*cking k*ll anybody!

When our Sam first brought

Stu home for dinner,

I thought, I'll be honest,

this little sh*t

I'd rather have that b*stard

who puts cats into bins

join the bloodline.

Come on, old man.

No, wait, no.

He doesn't know what he's doing.

He's been going on.

We've been trying

to f*cking just figure out

what's f*cking how it works!

- We don't know what's going on!

- We got a job.

We was working for your sister

so we could pay her back.

And that was it.

That's all we've been doing.

Why didn't Hugo want

a job at my factory?

Uh, because he he, um

He'd already got a job

the night before.

She gave it to him.

What was the job? Selma's job?

- She She She was

- She what?!

She wanted him to sing.

To To sing at your party.

Wasn't she there?

She came

and collected him, right?

[g*nshots]

[distant g*nsh*t]

[Branco] Selma!

What the f*ck is that?

Dad?

- [Branco screaming]

- [g*nshots]

[g*nshots continue]

[g*nshots]

The phone.

We need it to get out.

- Where's the f*cking phone?

- Dad? Dad!

No, Kai!

Kai, you can't go out there!

[distant screaming]

You better be

right f*cking behind me!

[Ryan] Wait!

- Dad!

- [g*nshots]

[g*nshots]

Right.

[g*nsh*t]

- [g*nsh*t]

- [groans]

[Ryan] Wait! Wait! f*ck!

[g*nshots]

[speaking Spanish]

[crowd clamoring]

[screaming]

[grunts]

[g*nshots]

[g*nshots]

[guard urinating]

[distant g*nsh*t]

- Dad!

- Let's go!

John Dwyer.

Dad!

[distant g*nsh*t]

[speaking Spanish]

[radio chirps]

[laughs]

[groaning]

[groaning]

No, no, no.

[speaking Spanish]

[guard speaking Spanish]

No, no, no!

[gasping]

[labored breathing]

[breathing stops]

[panting]

[radio chirps]

[breathing heavily]

Hey! Oi!

- What are you having?

- [echoing] I'm having

- a whale of a time!

- Lovely, the vol-au-vents?

You try the vol-au-vents?

f*cking lovely, they were.

[harrowing music]

Oh, what is it?

[radio chirps]

Dad!

Dad! No, no, no, no! No!

Dad, come back!

- [electricity zapping]

- [screaming]

[mechanical clunk]

[chattering]

[electric trimmer stops]

[electric crackling]

Dad, please?

[heavy breathing]

[chattering]

[prisoners shouting]

[clamoring]

Dad, can you please come back?

[g*nshots]

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

We better go

before they sh**t us.

- The f*cking front door's open!

- They're escaping.

Stu, the f*cking

front door's open!

Jesus Christ, they're escaping!

- [laughter]

- Come on! Come on!

Now I can get out of here

and get the f*ck away from you!

[clamoring]

[chuckling]

[Kai] Come back, Dad.

[gasps]

[indistinct shouting]

Dad!

Dad, please,

don't leave me alone!

Dad you're not well!

Come back!

You need to slow down!

Jesus Christ!

We're headed the wrong way.

The church is that way.

Dad, just stay still,

please. Please. Please.

[coughing]

[Stu] I trusted you.

f*ck you, you c**t dickhead!

- f*cking twat!

- I barely touched you.

Not my f*cking fault

you're built like

a f*cking Girl Guide.

What? f*ck you!

[grunts]

I trusted you, you c**t!

f*ck is wrong with you?

f*ck you!

[electric humming]

Stu, stop! Stop!

[Stu] We're free! We're free!

- [alarm blaring]

- No, Stu, stop!

What the f*ck are you doing?

- What are you doing?

- The mines are back on.

- [expl*si*n]

- [Stu] Get off me!

- [expl*si*n]

- f*ck!

[speaking Spanish]

[blaring continues]

[sobbing]

[clamoring]

- [expl*si*n]

- [debris patters]

Jesus, Christ, Kai!

Jesus Christ!

What is this place?

Where the f*ck Where are we?

I just need you to promise me

something, all right?

Just need you to stay still

for now. Yeah?

Ah. Is she

all right though, mate?

Is she Is she doing all right?

Sam's fine, Dad.

Sam? No, your mum. Your mum.

Is your mum doing all right?

- Is she Is she happy?

- [man crying]

- [expl*si*n]

- f*ck!

[groaning]

[man] Marco! Marco!

[yelling in Spanish]

Well, when she walked out,

you know

f*ck me.

Honestly,

it it nearly did me in.

I thought

if she was gonna do it,

it would've been

when you were little.

It's okay.

It's okay, Dad.

Just calm. Calm.

Good for her, you know?

I mean

I think I actually mean that

when I look back

on the size of things.

Good for her.

Yeah, Dad, she's happy.

[ragged breath] She's happy.

And I'm I'm I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't look in more

on you and your sister

when you were, you know

Can't have been easy

for you two either.

It's okay.

You see, my dad, Kai

My example of fatherhood,

he was a

Well, he was a solid man,

my dad, but

where he grew up,

it was just fields.

Just f*ck fields, mate.

So he he didn't get it.

He didn't know how to give it.

And I I wasn't much better.

But I I felt it.

I felt it, mate.

I just

wish I'd shown you more.

Wish I'd shown your mum more.

[sniffles]

How are you?

What are you crying for, eh?

Come on, then.

Let's hug it out.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, Dad, please.

Just stay still.

- [mine chirps]

- [expl*si*n]

[debris pattering]

[high pitched ringing]

[somber music]

[no audible dialogue]

[ringing continues]

- [ringing fades]

- [cell phone ringtone]

[panting]

[ringtone playing]

Is

Is I-Is that my phone?

Is that

my f*cking phone ringing?

Ry, can you hear that?

Kai!

- [ringtone continues]

- Kai!

Kai!

Throw the phone, Kai!

Jesus f*cking Christ.

Have a heart.

He f*cking lost his

Kai, Kai.

Throw the phone.

- f*ck the phone.

- Throw the phone!

- Kai, Throw the phone!

- f*ck you!

Throw the phone!

f*ck you! f*ck you, Stu!

f*ck you!

The f*cking phone!

The phone, Stu!

Get me out of here!

How are we gonna do that?

How are we gonna do that?

[ringtone continues]

I don't wanna die here!

I don't wanna f*cking die!

I'm I'm sorry, mate.

I'm sorry, but

Please, I wanna live!

Get me out!

We can't! We can't help you!

But you, you can still help us!

Kai, you can

you can still help us.

[distant g*nf*re]

[distant g*nf*re]

[ethereal music]

[Stu] Throw the phone, mate.

It's ringing!

Please!

Please, just throw me it!

- [ringtone continues]

- Please!

Just throw me it!

Please, please.

Just throw me it.

[ringtone continues]

Please.

f*ck you!

[ringtone continues]

[wailing]

[sobbing]

[ringtone continues]

Stu, Guppy here.

[laughing]

What the f*ck have you done?

You f*cking k*lled us.

What the f*ck have you done,

Kai? You f*cking k*lled us!

Is that This was our way out!

You f*cking k*lled us!

[somber music]

f*ck.

f*ck. f*ck.

f*cking hell.

[Ryan] f*cking, this guy.

Tough spot, huh?

[Kai] Help me!

Very tough spot

that your friend is in.

Well, I have an indecent

proposal to make to you two.

You guys, you want

to escape, right? Huh?

Yes. f*ck, yeah.

[Kai] Boys, what's happening?

And I think

I overheard something

that you needed this, no?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

[Kai] Boys!

Ryan, please!

- Stu, let's leave

- Somebody talk to me!

Wait, wait, wait!

Stu, where are you going?

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't leave! Don't leave!

You can help me, man!

Ryan, please!

Don't f*cking leave me out here!

Ryan, I'm still here!

[tense music]

[mine chirps]

♪♪♪