02x08 - Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

[bunniefuu]

-They’re here.

The people you want
to replace Susan with.

-I think
I might know somebody.

-I’m in.
Lomax. I sell sh*t.

So that’s the
brand of weird.

-Susan?

I’m worried about Susan.

- What is it?
-Your mom.

- Until you confront it,

it’s your
unfinished business.

-I know you’re new here,
but...

generally we try to sleep
this time of day.

- So, the widow says,
"No, I just want

the pallbearers
wearing Padres jerseys

so they can let him down
one last time.

Oh, come on.

Wherever you are,

I know
that you laughed a little.

So,

you’re never gonna believe
who I’m seeing tomorrow.

Which reminds me.

You up?

-You know, I’m not sure.

-How’s She-Ra,
Princess of Power?

-Gassy. We’re currently
strolling the grounds.

-Sorry to bother.

-No, it’s what I live for.
What’s up?

I just wanted you to know...

I’m going to see my mom.

-Uh, you don’t want to maybe
give her a heads-up?

You know, send a note, or...

-Well, Hallmark
doesn’t make a good

"so you deserted your family"
card.

-Huh. You know, pardon me.

Our table’s ready.
Our table’s ready. Come on.

sh*t!
Uhh...

Okay, we are back.

-See? Was that so hard?

To be a good, loving parent

who is attentive,
who is responsive?

-Who lives
in the same house?

-I’ll be in touch, Phil.
- Hey, hey.

Good luck.

What do I have here?
What is this?

What does daddy have? What?

- Dear Luke,
let me begin by telling you

how much I have enjoyed

the past few weeks
at the Roman Agency.

Challenging work,
provocative client issues,

-your team is wonderful.

Your team is...

unusual,

yet fundamentally sound.

So, it is with great regret
that I must ask you

to consider this
my letter of resignation.

My decision to join your agency
was made in haste...

And I’m afraid it’s sort of
come back to...

Bite me.

- Yeah, no,
it’s pretty slow.

Also, I just emailed you
your hotel confirmation.

What’s in Westindale
that merits an overnight stay?

-Just a long drive there
and a long drive back.

-Hm.

So, I am taking this slow period
to assess my career path.

-And?

-You have to like people
to be a therapist, right?

-It helps.
-sh*t.

-Zooey, you are really good
at a lot of things.

-Yeah, and yet so few
can be monetized.

-No, seriously,
everybody talks about

doing something they love.

My advice? Do something
you’re really good at.

Love is for the weekends.

-God.
"Love is for the weekends."

The sampler
nearly needlepoints itself.

-All right,
I will check in.

-Bye.

- Luke, I was happy
to cover for you

on the Malachi family closing.

Reva, Clive,
twins, Kat and Hayden,

they were delightful.

-And then, finally,
this is the bill of sale.

-I might even say
alarmingly so.

-I feel like
I’m living in a dream!

-A dream house , that is!

And I asked the movers

to unload the
living room furniture first

’cause you know what tonight is.

-Game night!

-Feeling my insulin levels
plunging dangerously low,

I completed the closing quickly
-Congratulations.

-A little too quickly,
as it turned out.

-Lomax.

Is there something you need?

-No. No. I was just, uh...

What are you doing?

-Fiddling with
a little technology

that I first explored
many years ago.

A remnant of a past life.

-I’ve worked at a lot
of real estate agencies

but never one that had
a science officer before.

-"Science is
organized knowledge.

"Wisdom is organized life."

Will Durant.

-Oh, that’s right.
You--

You do that, don’t you?

-You’ll get used to it.

-Lomax.

Malachi docs;
you have a problem.

-What?
-Roofing rider.

There’s no signature.

-Oh, damn!
-Yeah, we need that signed.

-I know. I was just hoping

that I’d seen the last
of the Malachis.

-They seemed nice.

-Very nice.

Aggressively nice.

Chewing on tinfoil nice.

-Yeah, we used to give
clients like that to Susan.

-Susan’s a very
nice person herself.

-Oh, yeah.
See, I’m not...

constructed with
those kinds of tolerances.

-Clearly. But just so you know,
Luke is very big on a*s.

-After Sales Service.

Luke has never once
used that acronym.

- I know.
It just makes me smile.

The point is, if he were here,
he would tell you

in his supportive
yet firm win-win way

even if it makes
your teeth hurt,

you get that signed
and make sure that they are

loving their new home.

-Can’t I do it tomorrow?
It’s... game night.

-Closing docs are all signed
with today’s date.

Unless you want to
start all over?

-No, I-I don’t.
It’s stupid.

-Hm.

August, quick question....

Do FBI agents get drug tested?

-I would think so.
Why?

-Oh, no reason.

-Yahtzee!

-God, I miss the dead.

Lomax, welcome to our home!

-Oh, thanks.

-Uh, this is for you!

-Oh, what a lovely thought.

-Oh! I, uh...

don’t want to scuff
your polished floors.

-Aren’t they lovely?

Clive, kids,
Lomax is here.

- Yay!

-I’m so sorry
to interrupt your family night.

I-I, uh, can’t believe
I missed this page!

-Come on, admit it.
You just

couldn’t wait to see
this scrumptious house again!

-You got me!

-Hayden, Katherine, why don’t
you kids go get ready for dinner

while we take care
of the paperwork?

-Scoot, scoot.

-Okay, uh, I just need
your signatures right there.

-All right. Let’s see.
-Mm-hm.

-Uh, yeah.
Just right there on the bottom.

-Mm-hm.
-Yeah, great, yeah.

-Ooh.

I love that fragrance
you’re wearing. What is it?

-I-I don’t wear perfume.

-Hm.
Clive, do you smell it?

-I smell... something.

-Thank you.

I am going to

get out of your way.

-Oh, um, it’s just takeout
but, um,

how ’bout stopping by
for lunch tomorrow?

-Oh! Oh, I-I would
love to, but--

-Perfect!
-I, actually need to--

-You know, the service
you’ve shown us after the sale

is really top-notch.

-Please say you’ll come!

-Great!/Marvelous.

- Hm.

Oh!

I, uh, think your dog
found my shoe.

-Dog?

We don’t have a dog.

-Oh...

Hey!

You, uh...
startled me.

-I found something nasty
in the yard.

-I rolled around in it.

-So, just...

making our own fun, then?

- Werewolves?

I’m sorry.
Seriously?

You think the Brady Bunch
is howling at the moon?

-I am just
putting it out there.

-You got any silver
b*ll*ts in the workshop?

-I don’t get it!
You find all kinds of weird sh*t

in these houses.
How is a werewolf

suddenly so over the top?

-Most of the, uh, phenomena
that we encounter

is tied to, uh,
a specific locale--

a certain property.

Werewolf mythology
feels a bit more...

-Free-range?
No! Off-leash.

-We’re speculating.

You need to speak with Phil.

If there’s something to this,
he’d be the one to ask.

-I’d hate to bother him.

-Oh, he’d never forgive us
if it was a...

shapeshifting lycanthrope
and he missed it.

-Well, it has to be now

’cause I’m supposed to
go back over there.

-Oh, that’s right.
They’re having you for lunch.

I have an errand to run.

Yeah, I just thought, you know,
I’d run by Susan’s.

Rattle her cage a little.

-I think souls move on.

We should understand that
more than most.

-Yeah, but not Susan

and not from us!

I mean, you know
that I’m going through this

crisis of career and identity

and the one person who I feel
like I need to talk to the most,

the one person who I feel like
can give me smart,

no-bullshit,
woman-to-woman career advice,

won’t even
take my frickin’ calls!

I just...

I need focus.
You know?

I mean, I struck out
on being a real estate agent.

And that’s the job they give you
when you keep burning the fries.

-You were not pushed.

You jumped.

You were meant
for greater things.

-I made a list of jobs
that I thought I’d be good at.

-Therapist and FBI Agent.

Crossed out.

Hm.
Probably the right call.

Spy. Band manager.
Hand model?

sn*per.

Blood spatter analyst.
Concert cellist.

You, uh, play the cello?

Look, the problem with this list
is that it aims too low.

-Well, sh*t...

What do I do now?

-You know...

the affirmation that
she’s needed here

might be exactly
what Susan needs most herself.

-You think?
-Well, if she rejects you now,

you’ll know for certain
she’s moved on.

-But maybe...

she won’t.

Maybe helping me

is the first step
to getting Susan back.

-Well, show her your list.

Ask her advice.
What can it hurt?

-Thank you.

-Clearly it’s a genetic thing.

Like detached earlobes
or diabetes.

-Good morning!

Houses in this neighborhood
hardly ever come up for sale,

so this one is probably
going to go very fast.

I’m Victoria.

Thanks for stopping by.
H-have you been looking long?

-Seems like forever.

-Uh...
-Sorry.

Nice place.

Good bones.

-You know, uh,
most people nowadays

seem to want
homes out in the suburbs.

Room for everything --
something new, you know?

Not everybody appreciates
these older places:

tighter stairways;
smaller rooms.

But I have found
that they have character.

-Well, I’ve met
lots of characters

in older places like this.

-Well, I-I can
show you around, um...?

-Luke.

So, is this the, uh,

original millwork?

-Postwar.

Um...

it’s a-a good eye.
Are you in the business, Luke?

Seems like we
always recognize our own.

-So...

what’s new?

[sea

-I feel awful cutting into
your parental leave.

-Nah, it’s nice to get out.
Felicity is getting an intro

into quantum physics
from Unkie Augie.

-The consensus seems to be
that I have a touch

-of the batshit crazy.
-Well...

we’re kind of
in the batshit business.

-Hm.
-Here we go...

-That is him, officer!
That is the guy!

-I swear it.

-You’ll find stories of people
turning into werewolves as

early as ancient Greece,

but the legends
really peaked in, like,

the 16th, 17th centuries along
with the European witch hunts.

It’s been a fan favorite
ever since.

-But it’s just a legend?
-I don’t know.

My old job,
they used to believe that people

who were excommunicated
from the Catholic Church

would become werewolves.

My own theory is that they were
just really hairy Lutherans.

But, the one thing
I know for sure

is that we’ve never encountered
a werewolf here.

-Mm-hm.
-That being said,

we’ve never encountered
a reticulated giraffe either

and you just know
they’re out there.

-So, I have to be over there
for lunch in a couple of hours.

What do I do?

-Well, it’s daylight,
so, if there’s anything

to the prevalent mythology,
you should be fine.

-Well, come on,
prevalent mythology.

-Okay, let me dig into the
history of that house.

You said that the Malachis were
normal before they moved in?

-Yeah, I don’t know.
Maybe I am a bit crazy!

You know?
A chewed-up shoe,

some growling and glowing eyes
and a full moon.

Maybe I put two and two together
and got Lon Chaney Jr.

-Possibly.

Be careful.

Legends become legends
for a reason.

-Are you, um, traveling
with your family, Luke?

-Just me.

I don’t know if you know;
Dad passed a few years back.

-I didn’t.
No.

I’m sorry.

-He was a good man.
-The world’s greatest dad.

He had the coffee mug
to prove it and they just don’t

hand those things out
to anybody, you know.

-What?
-Well, that tendency to...

blow off important conversations
with a joke.

See you picked that up
from him.

God, I used to hate that.

-Me too.

You should know that he never
said a bad word about you.

But that is okay because
I said enough for both of us.

But that’s when I was little,
you know? Bitter and angry.

Before I learned
that life isn’t fair

and sh*t happens to everybody.

You know, I should probably
thank you for hitting me

with the big g*ns
early on.

Because every little bump
along the road ever since?

Seemed pretty manageable
by comparison.

-Long time ago I forfeited
the right to be proud of you.

-Proud?

Probably not your best pitch.

How about curious?

-I understand
that there are some things

that are just
not my business.

-I am the son you walked out on
when I was three years old!

Ask me anything.

Nothing.

All this time
and you still don’t care.

Well, you know you got my card,
so feel free to call me

in the middle of the night if
you have any burning questions

about prom night
or what my favorite color is.

-Do you still hear the voices?

-Lomax! You’re here!
Come in!

Lunchtime!

-Are you all okay?

-We’re great!
Who’s great?

We are! We are!

Clive! Hayden!
Time for chow!

Kat!
Kat moves on her own schedule.

-I actually saw her outside.

-Kat!
Oh! There she is.

Dramatic boom

Kat, did you
spoil your lunch?

Lomax! Sit! Sit!

Katherine!

Now, who would like to lead us
in grace? You would! You would!

-Bless-us-oh-Lord-
for-these-thy-gifts-which-we-are

about-to-receive-
through-thy-bounty.

-Wait!

-Now!

- And then the b*tch
bit me!

-This is the mom?
-Mm-hm. I shook her off

and I ran or father and son
would have ripped me to pieces.

-And the daughter?
-I don’t know. She just kind of

watched and...

licked herself.

-And all in broad daylight?

That’s hardly
in keeping with the legend.

-Well, that’s not the part
of the legend that worries me.

- Supposedly,

a bite from one of those things
turns you into...

one of those things!

August insisted
that I visit the ER

for a tetanus shot
and a round of antibiotics.

He promised to call Phil
and see if he found anything.

And Zooey?

Well, I have no idea
where Zooey was.

-Susan!?

Susan!

All right...

We can do this the hard way.

Ah, you got it.

- Intruder alert!

-Susan, I’m breaking
into your house!

-Intruder alert.

-Violating socio-professional
norms! Confront me!

-Intruder alert.
-Shut up.

-Intruder alert.
-So, uh...

Susan, I desperately need
some career advice!

-Intruder alert.
-What should I do with my life?

- Why not end it?

-What did you say?

-Why not pick up this sharp,
heavy object,

split your skull open,

end your worthless life
and stop distracting Susan?

-Susan, you’re just gonna let
your house talk to me like that?

-I’m sorry, I’m having trouble
with that request.

-Susan?

-It sounds like
you’re looking for Susan.

Did you mean feminist writer
Susan Sontag?

Did you mean Susanna Hoffs,

lead singer of the
popular ’80s band The Bangles?

-Ireland!
Susan Ireland!

-Ireland is a country
in the North Atlantic

with a population of roughly--

-Shh!

Susan!

Susan!

What do you want?

-I already told you.

Would you like to
hear the answer again?

-Okay. Susan, I know that
your new place has a nice view

and a spacious floor plan
and you got it below market

but I frickin’ hate it!

What?

Susan?

- Help me.

-How did you get in there?

Susan?

Hello?

Susan?

- You are a distraction.

-You need to leave.
-What?

-You are a distraction.

You need to leave.

-Ah!

Yeah, I’m having trouble
with that request, dickhead!

No! No!
No-no-no.

No!
No!

No!

-How’d you find me?

-Only a few decent hotels
in this town.

This was the second one
I called.

Kismet.

-You want something
from the bar?

-Uh, just a club soda.

I have managed to slay
a few dragons in my life.

In my mind, I’ve rehearsed
that conversation

that we had today

a thousand times
over 35 years.

-How’d we do?

-Not as good as I hoped.

Better than I feared.

For a few weeks...

after I left,

I...

I would wake up
every Sunday morning

and it was...
it was so quiet.

And I would think,

"This is ridiculous.

Today I’ll go back and...

you’ll be happy
and I’ll be sorry and...

we’ll cry and...

Carl will make
some awful joke and...

we’ll laugh
and we’ll be a family again.

And then one Sunday...

I woke up and...

20 years had passed.

And I realized
that some mistakes just...

haunt us forever.

-So, leaving...

leaving me,

leaving us...

was a mistake?

-It was a really difficult time.

That’s not an excuse.
It’s just something

that you need to know.

-I know about
the little girl.

About my sister.

-Carl told you?

-No.

No, not ever.

-It’s like after you were born,
I...

I didn’t recognize myself.

I spent every day
all alone with...

two strangers:
you and me.

And the more I saw you
figuring out the world

the more I just felt it
slipping away.

-I never--
-And then I thought that maybe

I was standing in your way.

And that maybe that was why
all those horrible...

things were whispering to you
in the dark,

all those poor souls,
those...

monsters and spooks.

Maybe they stepped in
because I was never enough.

-It was never that.

-I knew that you had
this whole other life.

And I could not
follow you there.

And that’s why
I walked away.

And that’s why I asked you
if you still hear the voices.

-Used to.

These days...

not so much.

What’s that like?

-It’s quiet.

It’s really...

quiet.

-This was nice.

Maybe I could, um...

I don’t know, give you a call
once in a while?

-Once in a while
would be nice.

Hey, Mom?

How ’bout Sunday mornings?

Sunday mornings could be
a good time for a call.

-Okay.

Yeah.

- Phil! Talk to me, babe
-Hang on.

-Ahh, good girl.

Good girl.
Go with Uncie Augie.

- Ooh!
- Hm.

-Okay, check this out.

This is the site of the
Malachi house back in the 70s,

before developers
got their hands on it.

-Oh, God.
They built it on a cemetery?

-Why are the stones
so small?

-Aha! It was a pet cemetery!

-A pet cemetery.

-Of course the developers
pulled the headstones down but

they didn’t do anything
about the content.

-Oh, God. Really?

-I know. One phone call
to Craig T. Nelson

could have
cleared this whole thing up.

-Okay, so what do we do?

-The animal spirits
need to be put to rest.

I know just the man
for the job.

-You do?
-Yeah.

We used to work together.

Holy sh*t.

Hello?

Hello?

Ah!

Phil sent me.

Phil Orley?

-Father Phil.
-And?

-I’ll be needing one Assisi.

St. Francis of, to go.

-Francis. Frank.

Brother Frankie.
Huge seller!

He was big among the friars,
which...

I thought was kind of ironic
until I realized

they were talking about priests
rather than chickens.

-I’m kind of in
a hurry here, Ed.

-He’s been dead
since 1226 so, yes,

I can understand your urgency.

Anyway,

go help yourself
to some mimosas and, uh,

I’ll see if I can’t pull you
a quick Frankie.

-Okay.

-What?
-Lomax!

-Oh! Jesus! What is that noise?

-God, gas, gums,
who can tell? Look,

I forgot to tell you,
you need to place the statue

on the northwest corner
of the garden.

-No. No, no, no.
That’s way on the other side.

-Yeah, that is where most
of the animals were interred.

Swell.

Who’s a good client?

Stay.

Stay.

Just--
sh*t!

sh*t! sh*t!
Oh, guys!

- Yeah...

- Huh.

-Lomax?

-Yahtzee!

-When I was in my first job,

working for an evil,
oppressive corporation

under a miserable
middle management drone

whose spirit had been crushed
like a beer can long ago,

I learned two things.

Just two.
First,

write a letter of resignation
every week.

It’s cathartic.

You feel better
not keeping things to yourself.

And second:
set that letter on fire

and make sure
nobody sees it, ever.

Because what are you, crazy?

Quit a paying job?
In this economy?

-Lomax?

-Hey.
-Smelled something burning.

Thought maybe
Susan was back.

Is August is still here?

-Uh, yeah, I think
he’s in his workshop.

-Hey.

-Luke! Heavens!

-Have you seen Zooey?

-Uh, she didn’t return?

-Where’d she go?

-She went to see Susan.