01x04 - A House Is Not a Home

[bunniefuu]

Previously on SurrealEstate

LUKE: I'm about one thing.

Protecting the God-given,

market-driven value

of your property from

anything in this world

(GRUNT)

or the next. Don't even ask.

That should be our company slogan.

- None of the others like me.

- We need you.

The technical term is telekinesis.

It happened to you when you were my age?

I set things on fire.

Let them see who you really are.

I bet they'll like her.

Brock moved out.

- Really?

- We're done.

If you like her, you should make a move.

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

(WAVES HITTING SHORE)

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(HORSE NICKERS)

SOPHIE: Duncan.

Duncan!

DUNCAN: You're beautiful, babe.

You're snoring, or

making, like, horse sounds.

Roll over.

Okay.

(SNORING)

(GROANS)

(FOOTFALLS ON STAIRS)

(TAP RUNNING)

(CLATTERING)

(WATER DRIPPING)

(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)

♪♪♪

(BLOWING WIND)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SLURPING)

(COUGHING)

(CHOKING)

(WATER SPRAYING ONTO FLOOR)

(DOORBELL)

- Susan.

- Duncan! Welcome home!

A little bubbly for you

guys and a new little friend!

Settling in okay?

Mm-hm.

Forget million-dollar

views this is priceless!

You guys must be loving it!

Sophie's a little under

the weather this morning.

Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that.

She'll pull through.

You know, Susan, we

specifically requested

Cloud White on the ceilings,

but this seems

cloudy.

They didn't use Arctic

Dove instead, did they?

Surely not.

The seller's contractor received

your punch list last week.

- Oh, look, I know you're just the broker agent

- Just the ?

Duncan,

I have had the honor of bringing

you and this property together.

Your ongoing happiness is

my personal responsibility.

I'm moved to hear you say that.

Especially since you insisted

on writing that precise language

into the contract and made

our fees and commissions

contingent upon it.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Um, as for the paint?

It looks gorgeous, but I'll

check with the painter, okay?

Mm-hm.

The water pressure is atrocious.

It's like being drooled

on by an old person.

Oh, Susan. Hey!

Sophie! Are you feeling okay?

I think it's stress.

Did Duncan tell you the disturbing news

- about the Arctic Dove?

- Ah.

There is always a tiny hiccup or two

moving into a new place.

These hiccups are temporary,

but the ocean outside

your window is forever.

Take it in.

(BURBLING WATER)

(MOANING)

(THEME MUSIC)

(MAN SCREAMING)

LUKE: So, here's the deal:

We always pretty much focus

on the high-end custom market.

But just for a moment, let

us think outside the box.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Uhh, that's a lot of

boxes to think out of.

This is the Somerset Estates,

a master-planned community

where families live, work,

shop and play.

It's like they're not so much a builder,

they're more like a 3D printer.

What they are is volume.

And cash flow.

Yes! Thank you! My point exactly.

Houses are built to live

in and not to look on;

therefore, let use be

preferred before uniformity.

- So, are you with me on this?

- Always.

But Francis Bacon believes

you might be full of sh*t.

Anyway, the developer, he

reached out to me last night.

Greg Chisholm, an old nemesis.

This is huge!

They move, like, 80 units a month.

Oh, not anymore. Their

volume is way down,

they're having quality

issues like crazy.

Their buyers are pretty close

to the torch-and-pitchfork stages

and they're getting

k*lled on social media.

Product liability lawyers are probably

creeping out of their

coffins as we speak.

The developer he is hitting

the panic button, big time.

So, why'd they call us?

Because, apparently,

somebody believes that many of

these issues cannot be explained away

simply by shoddy workmanship.

I told him we would check it out.

Can you handle this without me?

My influencers by the sea are turning

out to be very high-maintenance.

And they are the ones threatening

to tear up our contract, right?

In the nicest, most loving way.

'Kay, you go ahead.

(KNOCKS ON TABLE) We got this.

(FUNKY BADASS MUSIC)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(FUNKY MUSIC FADES OUT)

Greg Chisholm.

Hello, Luke.

Been a while.

(WESTERN MUSIC)

I didn't know you were doing

master-planned communities.

Man's gotta earn a living.

But you'd know that,

working in that weird

little niche of yours.

Hope there's no hard

feelings over Balmoral Farms.

(VULTURE SCREECHING)

Another time. Another place.

(STROLLER RATTLES AND CREAKS)

So,

shall we get to it?

You guys want to take a

look around the neighborhood?

My people'd be glad to show you around.

Thanks

But we ride alone.

(WESTERN MUSIC REPRISE)

Understand you're having some QC issues.

Our quality control

protocols lead the industry.

Our challenges run a bit deeper.

Identical problems happening

at virtually the same time

here and here and here.

Windows shattering.

Floorboards splintering.

Genuine simulated granite

Formica countertops splitting in two.

Not stuff you usually see

in quality-built new product.

Luke, we're both men of the world.

You know that with the

kind of volume we do,

corners get cut; compromises get made.

There'll always be a few

whiny perfectionists out there.

How many complaints

are we talking about?

(FOOTSTEPS)

(FILE DRAWER OPENING)

That is a buttload of

whiny perfectionists, Greg.

So, can you help us out or not?

(SCOFFS)

- Why us? Why now?

- My boss.

His wife's into crystals and

séances and yoga and sh*t.

Thinks there's something more

happening besides bad construction.

Boss asked me about it;

told him I knew a guy.

Send me those files.

Complaints, the development plats,

the site plans, the model

schematics everything.

We'll do what we do and

we'll get back to you.

Look, Luke,

if you can help us out here now, we can

make it worth your while.

Like you did at Balmoral Farms?

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(BEEPS AND ELECTRONIC HUMS)

You picking up anything?

This feels like the least

haunted place in North America.

We are looking for wandering souls

in a soulless environment.

Hardly seems productive.

That's why I like the Donovan place.

It's a creepshow that dares to

look like a creepshow, right?

What?

(LOUDER AND FASTER BEEPS AND HUMS)

Something odd.

DAD: Kieran! Tiffany!

Lunch is ready.

(UPBEAT SALSA MUSIC)

(TIFFANY SCREAMS)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

WOMAN 2: Ah!

Okay, where were we?

Um Items 27 forward are:

incessant pounding noise;

light switches have weird texture;

water pooling on floors.

More like "seeps".

Just appears it's not

like we're spilling it.

She knows, Duncan.

Well, I'm sorry, you asked

me to be more thorough.

Right, but you're

mansplaining what pooling is.

You know, it really hurts me

when you just throw that term around.

Sometimes it's just explaining!

- With a p*nis.

- Guys, let's just get through this, okay?

Arctic Dove, not Cloud White

and wobbly walls.

Sorry, I

Ca-can you unpack that for me? Wobbly?

Every time I walk by this

mirror, it's, like, moving.

And it happens upstairs, too.

I need mirrors to be impeccable.

- I'm an influencer, so

- Sophie,

they're your mirrors.

They work fine everywhere else.

So the problem must be with the walls.

Mm-hm.

(SIGH) Let me look around;

take a few measurements.

Check a few colour chips.

And then let's talk.

(UPBEAT SALSA MUSIC REPRISE)

(FOOTSTEPS AWAY)

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

So, we have what?

17 houses with spontaneous

breakages and system failures. Phil?

Dirt is clean.

No sign of environmental engagement

or histocultural plangency.

Augie?

As we wandered through the neighborhood

there was a sudden spike in our

Photoreactive Terraform Analysis.

Multiple locations.

It vanished as quickly as it appeared.

Well, we are missing something.

How many different models do they have?

Six.

- All named after famous forts.

- (ZOOEY SNORTS)

The Halifax. The Delaware.

The Independence. The

Sumter. The McHenry. The

- What?

- Ah

I thought you said famous farts.

(LAUGHS)

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Can you put up the aerial plat?

All the places that stuff

happened are marked with an X.

Can you overlay the

location of different models?

♪♪♪

(BEEP)

(BEEP, BEEP)

Bingo.

They're all Delawares.

So, here's what I'm going to do:

some of these I can get a

contractor out to fix right away.

As in tonight?

It's 8:30.

Tomorrow, probably.

Uh, the rest, um, I'd

like to bring to my team.

It-it may be the property

itself has some eccentricities.

We'll get some experts to

sort them all out, okay?

We'd really appreciate that.

Because we're still within the

five days to register complaints

so if they're not fixed

we don't want to do this

- We'd hate to do this

- I would weep like Dumbo's mother.

But, then we'd dry our

tears and I'd have the bank

stop the transfer of your fees

as specified in your contract.

Okay. Thanks, Susie Q! Drive safe, okay?

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

(CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC)

(PEN DOWN)

(PHONE DINGS AND VIBRATES)

(TEXT SWOOP)

(SWOOP)

(CLICKING)

(LONG SIGH)

(CLICKING)

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

(MUSIC SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS)

Meg, you really know how to pick 'em.

(BLOWING WIND)

(RACING ENGINE)

(HORSE NEIGHING)

(SCREAMS)

(METAL CRUNCHING)

And bam! Into the ditch!

I had to call a tow truck.

And it was a guy on a horse?

We could have sold it as

an equestrian property.

- Upped the price.

- Ah, this place was empty for years.

Run-down cottage on an

overgrown lot with a k*ller view

before the owner decided to

finally renovate cash out.

We need Phil and August up

there to find out what

really is

what?

Excuse us?

(PHIL SCOFFS)

Remember when you told me it

was better for Phil and August

- not to meet clients?

- Mm-hm.

Duncan and Sophie are

literally the clients

you were talking about.

Okay.

Tell them to take a few

days somewhere nice

spa, hotel, whatever on us.

And then we'll do our

thing while they're gone.

(INHALES)

By the way, my car's in the shop.

- (PHONE BUTTON CLICKS)

- Zooey!

It is your lucky day.

You get to drive Susan out to the coast.

And leave her for dead, right?

This is why we don't have H.R.

(HANGS UP PHONE)

Road trip!

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Road trip.

(PLAYFUL MUSIC)

So, here's the thing:

I still cannot fathom,

for the life of me,

why Luke hired you.

I mean,

Phil has those amazing

research chops and August?

He can duct tape a KitchenAid

mixer to a walkie talkie

and use it to summon a

Sumerian trickster God. And me?

Well, it's self-explanatory.

But why you?

I'm a closer.

That's another way of saying I'm profit.

You're overhead.

♪♪♪

The Delaware.

That model's been nothing

but trouble since we built it.

Anything special about it?

Just the sunroom.

Our CEO was going through

an artsy-fartsy period

and he ripped off

that is, he was inspired by

the house that his partner

had designed for himself.

Stuck a big sunroom on the back.

At first, we called it

a "soothing solarium"

until the focus groups pointed us

toward "inspiring conservatory".

(LAUGHS)

You know, move in

become a tortured artist.

Hang on. Here we go

From the front it looks like

most of our other product.

But around the back and

Boom!

These sold like crazy for a while,

but fell off fast.

Today's buyer values

multi-functional spaces

and gourmet kitchens with

cantilevered eat-in areas

more than inspiration.

Wonder

Any chance in talking

to the original designer?

The partner?

They had a falling out.

He left.

I think he died a few years later.

What about the original house?

Can you get me an address?

Probably.

Look, Luke,

if you find out what's causing

all this, don't mess around.

k*ll it. Destroy it. Send

this thing back to hell,

or wherever these things go.

Make me a hero to my boss

and his whack-job wife.

You help me parlay this

into a sweet promotion,

I'll make it worth your while!

Just get me that address, okay?

(UPBEAT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

FEMALE MAP VOICE: Turn

left and your destination

will be on your right.

You have arrived.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

ANGRY MAN VOICE: Go away!

(RUMBLING)

(TREE TRUNK CRACKING)

Ooh!

(GRUNT)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)

You're Bernard Nightingale.

You talkin' to me?

Talkin'?

How's that work?

It's a long story.

Mind if I come in?

♪♪♪

No. Not there.

(SNIFFLES)

You designed this, Bernard?

Bernie, please.

Yes, I designed it.

Very nice.

It's a hellhole!

(GROANS)

I designed it

for her.

My fiancée.

Every inch,

every corner.

Just for her.

And the sunroom.

Lucy loved the sunshine.

(LABOURED BREATHS)

What happened?

Six months after we

moved into our forever home

she ran off with my own brother.

I'm sorry.

It gets better. It gets much better.

Not only did I have to

live in this place, but

my old partner

the b*stard

he dug my plans out of

the trash and built more.

A whole bunch more! (HEAVY INHALE)

Every one of them a knife.

A knife stabbing into my guts.

You know, what you are doing in here

happens at every house like this.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, you know.

This house

full of misery.

So anybody who ever lives here

is gonna be miserable, too.

It's my pain,

but they're gonna g*dd*mn feel it!

(YELLS) (LAUGHS MANICALLY)

(RUMBLING AND RATTLING)

(SCREAMING)

This paint color is fine!

These people are insane.

(SHUTTER CLICKING)

Hey! There's people working down here!

Geez. Hey, these ninja puddles are real.

Oh.

(SIGHS) It's getting pretty

late. We should probably go soon.

Ah, Duncan and Sophie complained

about disturbances at night.

Late. Which we need to assess.

On site. In real time.

Don't even joke about it.

It's a sleepover, girlfriend.

(LAUGHS)

Saw a liquor cabinet, right?

- Oh, hells, yes.

- Yeah. I'm going to k*ll Luke.

(HAPPY WHISTLING)

Working late.

I've heard that you have

something you may need to dispatch.

Oh, I hope it doesn't come to that.

Just a sad, old, pissed-off

spirit that can't move on.

I know the feeling.

I'm afraid he's gonna hurt somebody.

Like a kid in one of those houses.

Not on purpose, but he's

At the risk of invoking

an unpleasant memory,

I would remind you of the Travis house.

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

Point taken.

Perhaps Phil and I should come along?

Susan may need help on the coast.

I'm going to need you to stand by here.

Unless you run into

something unprecedented

this should do the trick.

I'm told that our client

requested that you

quote

send it back to hell, unquote.

This should allow you to instantly

render the entity to

irreparable particles.

Death beyond death.

If the moment comes,

don't hesitate.

♪♪♪

- You set him on fire?

- No!

Just the draperies.

And the wastebasket.

I melted his printer.

Ooh! I don't believe you.

Who knows about this?

Luke.

My mom. (SIGH)

The guys at a certain Del Taco

that is no longer standing.

I still don't believe you.

- Ouch.

- That Livingston guy.

- God, he sounds like the worst.

- Ugh! I know, right?

But, at the time,

I still thought that Bob

Livingston was my soul mate.

(SCOFFS)

- Sorry.

- What, you don't believe in soul mates, either?

Come on! Soul mates are

purely mythical beasts.

Like Bigfoot.

Or Tom Cruise.

You just haven't found him yet.

Have you?

Mm.

(SIGHS) Kyle Sommer.

His family moved to town my

sophomore year of high school.

God, I was a completely

different person with him.

I was happier. I was wittier.

I wore pastels.

- Once.

- See?

That's a soul mate.

I graduated from high school,

I went away to college and Kyle didn't.

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

Only found out later that he'd

hurt his back working construction.

So, he started taking

oxy to handle the pain.

And my Kyle was never a

go-halfway kind of person.

He started taking more and then

he started dealing to pay for his habit.

Salesman of the month.

That was my Kyle.

Um,

he was dead by summer.

They buried him in

his letterman's jacket.

The same one I'd worn

all through senior year.

Mm.

So, if he was my soul mate,

I guess I'm pretty much out of the game.

(SIGHS)

To Kyle.

And all the other guys

who don't deserve us.

(GLASSES CLINK)

Mm. (CLEARS THROAT)

I am going to go sleep in the car.

- You coming?

- I am going to stay here.

There could be some

pheranormal Phermanomal

There could be some

spookies I need to observe.

Mm-hm.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

(SIGHS)

(WAVES ONTO SHORE)

(CREEPY MUSIC)

(BLOWING WIND)

(HOOFBEATS IN DISTANCE)

(HORSE NEIGHING)

(WATER DROP SPLASHING)

Mm.

(WATER SPLASHING)

(GASPING WITH FEAR)

- (GHOSTS GROANING)

- (SCREAM)

sh*t!

(GASP)

(GUTTURAL MOANS)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(NERVOUS BREATHING)

No! No!

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

No! No!

(HORN HONKING)

(BLOWING WIND)

(SCREECHING)

(HORN HONKING)

(ENGINE STARTS)

(MUSIC FADES OUT)

(HEAVY BREATHS)

(RELIEVED SIGH)

I heard Zooey's car horn and then

they were gone.

They walked away? Or, like, disappeared?

They were there and then

they weren't.

They looked mad.

Pissed off sailors.

I wonder why.

I coughed up about ten gallons

of water last night, so

I'm a little out of sorts myself.

Did you save any of it?

Hm.

Okay.

Okay, I'll head to the

village historical society.

There's got to be something they

left out of the history books.

(SUSAN SIGHS)

She looks so peaceful.

Almost like she's dead.

Hm. You wish.

Come on, Greg.

He's a sad old guy with a broken heart.

What are we? A

non-profit? Blow him away!

I thought you didn't

believe in these things.

Who cares what I believe in.

I've got a CEO with a wife who believes.

I've got homeowners

who've just had trees fall

in their front yards and

their own personal earthquakes.

I've got lawyers using

words like criminal liability

and class action.

Luke, double your fee

and an ongoing retainer

if you off him now.

Be smart.

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(PHONE TRILLING)

- AUGUST: Hello.

- Hey, August.

Who was that architect you

used to go skydiving with?

(PAGES RUSTLING)

(QUIET SIGH)

(PAPERS RUSTLING)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

(PHONE TRILLING)

Come on, come on, come

on. Pick up. Pick up.

A lighthouse?

Th-the only lighthouse

is miles up the coast.

No! This is the old lighthouse.

They tore it down in 1887!

But it was right there!

- Right where you're standing!

- Freaky.

So, it's this foggy day in

1811 and the lighthouse keeper

decides to go into town to see his wife.

He must have fallen asleep, I guess,

because he wakes up with her in

the middle of the night and realizes,

"Oh, God! It's pitch black".

So, he's-he's racing his

horse to the lighthouse

because he's gotta light the lamp.

It's dark as the grave, you understand.

I mean, there isn't even the moon!

And then he hears the most awful sound.

SAILOR: Brace yourselves!

No. NO!

A ship comes in too close.

They can't see, right?

No lighthouse. No moon.

So it crashes on the rocks.

Nearly a hundred souls lost.

- Oh, God.

- Yeah.

People living in the house

after all of these years

must have triggered, like, something.

Started it all over again.

The sailors are coming!

They want revenge on

the t*rd horseman,

but they will settle for you!

Oh, perfect.

And there's nothing we can do?

Yeah! You can get out of there!

So, if the vengeful

sailors don't fill our lungs

with seawater and k*ll

us, the influencers

will unleash their Twitter mob.

Kind of a coin toss.

We're staying.

You're staying? Oh, my God. Okay, um

Okay, okay, okay. This

is what I need you to do:

I need you to find a very big,

very bright light in the

house! Like right now!

The brightest thing you can find

a spotlight, a sunlamp

and you need to get it up on

the roof, as high as you can!

- There's really not

- You need to look like a lighthouse right now!

Ohh!

(STIRRING MUSIC)

Wha ? This is the

brightest you found!?

It has a three-colour option.

That has to count for something.

We have to get it up on the roof!

Seriously? Susan, the

cord is way too short!

We'll never get it up there!

- Wait here.

- What?

(WAVES CRASHING ON SHORE) (BLOWING WIND)

(FIRE CRACKLES)

(INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC)

SAILORS: Heave!

Heave! Heave!

CAPTAIN: All hands!

Heave!

Heave!

- Heave!

- (SHIP BELL CLANGS)

ZOOEY: Hey! They're turning!

Susan, they're turning!

Heave!

(FIRE CRACKLES)

(CRACKLING DISSIPATES)

(SIGH)

(SAILORS CHEER IN DISTANCE)

SAILOR: We did it!

(ZOOEY LAUGHS)

Wow!

That was

impressive.

No, seriously, we could, like,

- rent you out for Viking funerals.

- (SUSAN LAUGHS)

If this were a movie,

this is where I'd bring in

Eternal Flame by The Bangles.

♪♪♪

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(DOOR CREAKS)

I'm getting really tired

of looking at your face.

I sell real estate. I

get that all the time.

Leave me alone.

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

Every time I see you,

you're always in here.

Never in the rest of the house.

This is the sunroom.

It was her room, right?

(SCOFFS)

The room you built for her.

Look at this.

- How about a little coffee?

- Mm. No, thank you.

- Greg Chisholm.

- Susan Ireland. I'm Luke's associate.

Lucky Luke.

(OFFICE PHONE RINGS)

So, where is he?

Greg. Thanks for coming.

So, did you fix my little problem?

Oh, I think so.

The solution is simple. It's

not easy, but it's simple.

Sunroom of the Delaware

was Bernie's gift

to the woman he loved.

BERNIE: She should burn in hell!

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

But, uh, Greg, the problem

is is that this sunroom

was part of a design that your company

unlawfully acquired from Mr.

Nightingale and exploited.

- Now, this is a huge problem, Greg.

- But

- he's dead.

- Copyright protection extends 70 years

beyond the death of the author.

So suck it!

Your company can owe

Mr. Nightingale's estate

millions of dollars in

royalties and penalties.

But I think we found a solution.

Phil?

(DING)

We propose a retrofit to

every Delaware standing;

an extra room,

the multi-functional space

today's buyers are looking for.

Ain't that right, Greg?

Bottom line:

no more places like this

one on the face of the earth.

No more quality issues,

except the ones resulting from

your own lousy workmanship.

No more synchronized

shitshows for your homeowners.

Now, you make these

modifications in the next 30 days

and we don't sue you into the stone age.

Everybody wins! Heh!

This is about Balmoral Farms, isn't it?

Do we have a deal or not?

You can forget about your

double fee and your retainer

and you will never work for us again.

Oh, our final invoice is in the mail.

But Greg?

Before you go to sleep at night

you might want to take an

extra look under your bed.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Now, see, doesn't that feel ?

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

I'm glad you didn't molecularly

deconstruct a sad old man.

He moved on so easily.

Unfinished business.

And the influencers paid in full.

They're temporarily happy.

(SHREDDER CONTINUES WHIRRING)

Would have been nice to get some

of those sweet Somerset commissions.

Principle isn't a principle

until it costs you something.

Plus, this guy once told me,

"They always come back."

Wise man.

He has his moments.

Luke,

what the hell happened

at Balmoral Farms?

Remind me to tell you sometime.

(OFFICE PHONE RINGS)

♪♪♪

Hey!

Not on time, but less late.

- Baby steps.

- Look

Luke, I know what this is.

A meal out in public,

gear down, let's stay friends.

- What'd I miss?

- Everything.

My intentions, my explanation.

It's just

I knew I should have put

together some Keynote slides.

Are you hungry?

Not in the least.

Let's just walk.

Can we just walk?

(SIGH)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

So, you don't want to

come to my house anymore.

How do you feel about that?

It's just too much.

I don't want to see you in

the same place where she is.

- It's too weird.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

I realize that living

in the past is toxic.

I spend my days trying to

help lost souls move on.

Maybe I should take my own advice.

I guess we'll have to

go to your place then.

Which, I believe, is on the left.

You want to come up?

Do you want me to?

So much it's scary.

(POIGNANT MUSIC)