01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

'The following program me contains

strong language and adult humour.'

That right?

I think so.

Uh-huh? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah? Mm.

Yeah. Yeah?

Ooh, yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah?

Mmm. Yeah?

Mmm. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah.

Sorry, love. Oh,

don't say sorry, Glen.

Sorry. No, don't say sorry.

Just

You know, because you

just thought you might

like it in public.

So Yeah, I don't

I think I wasn't picturing,

like round the back of Halfords?

No, well, OK, yeah.

It has been, erm It has been

quite a while, hasn't it, now?

Has it?

Yeah. It's not been

since Center Parcs, Glen.

Right.

Yeah, no, that that

is quite a Mmm.

I think, you know what it is?

It's probably just

stress, you know. Yeah.

Trying to get the promotion,

all that sort of Yeah.

It's a blip! It's a blip!

It's a blip, yeah. It

is, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

Mm.

I should probably get to work.

Yeah. Yes.

Hey. 100 days

and I shall thee wed.

Pop your p*nis away, Glen. Oh!

Alright. Love you.

Love you! Yeah.

Hi, there. Welcome to World Of

Carpets at Loughton Retail Village!

My name's Glen. How can

I be helping you today?

Well I erm

WE er erm Say no more!

Let me show you around.

Sandstone, three-pile,

two-blend twist.

Durable, luxurious and

- don't pass it around -

but I'M getting it for

my high-traffic areas.

My absolute top of the

pops. What do we think?

Erm, maybe we'll go

and think about it.

I get it.

Sorry?

It's a bloody carpet. And,

Christ, it's expensive.

The whole house metreage, then with

underlay and installation it's

Honestly?

You can't get what you're

wanting. Not for your budget.

But what you can

do is this

Berber low-pile. In your hallway,

looks just like natural fibres.

Pay that bit more for a quality

underlay and it'll feel as good too.

I won't tell if you won't.

'I know a man that can make you

disappear in seven different countries.'

Ah, Ian, Ian! Hi, I

was wondering- Big Man!

Yeah. Uh, I was- Ah, the

old kneel 'n feel, eh? Nice.

Yeah. I was wondering if we

might have that chat today,

about the assistant manager-

Er, da-da-da, sh-shh.

g*nf*re) Ah-ah-ah.

Yeah

Have you seen this geezer?

Glen Campbell.

Like the country singer.

He works here.

I just want a "yes" or "no".

That's all I want, my darling.

I'm on work experience.

I'll get the manager.

Right! Oh! Let's take

a look at these prices.

I think you

might be pleasantly surp-

It's like candyfloss.

Should be here soon

Where do you get this? I want

one. Hi, there. Can I help?

Yes. Have you seen him?

Oops! Sorry?

Verboten! What?

Gonna have to ask you to finish

that outside. Company policy.

Get a lot of piss

heads in here, do ya?

Getting off their

nut over by the lino?

Right. Very good. Now-

See, for all he knows, I've come

in here to buy his whole stock

and he's straight in with

the f*cking regulations.

Right, that's quite enough! I'm

gonna have to ask you to leave.

Yeah, well, asking me is

ONE thing but making me

is another thing

altogether, you bald c**t.

f*ck.

Are you alright?

Erm Erm, yeah.

I'll actually just

just leave you in

Brian's very capable hands.

Ooh! Sorry.

Leave this store

immediately. Don't touch me.

Come along! Ahh!

Have you seen him?

f*ck.

Hi, Roger!

Fuuu-

What are you doing here?

I came back to get my

sandwiches. Why are you

Well, I mean, I got erm

I got sent home

from work, didn't I?

For the day. What? Why?

Because there was a gas

leak. What, in the whole-

Yeah. In the whole office. Yeah.

And Linda Linda's

actually fainted.

So Oh, bloody hell.

Yeah. Get in then, you swine!

Yeah, alright,

yeah. Get in here!

Have you seen? Direct

debits have gone in.

Oh, my God! 15 grand!

We're only 2K off!

Dream wedding, here we come.

Kirsty, not in the bed.

Mum's gonna be so pleased. She can get that

poached salmon she's been banging on about.

Yeah, erm, right, erm, sorry-

Actually, Glen, it

definitely IS her.

Ever since we've given her a

key, we've been going through ham

at an unprecedented rate.

Yeah. I DID think so-

Hang on. You took them. Hmm?

This morning. You took them.

I put them in your rucksack?

Right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

But I just I wanted more.

More sandwiches?

OK, well, that's an awful

lot of gluten, Glen.

Hey, hey! So what we should

do is celebrate, shouldn't we?

Celebrate what? Celebrate

the wedding fund.

You know, yeah, tonight,

maybe get a takeaway,

splash out a bit. Alright.

Yeah, maybe get your favourite

- Tastes Of The World.

What?! Even though it's a

Logistical nightmaaaare?

♪ Logistical nightmaaaare ♪

Aw, yeah!

And then maybe after, we can,

like make an evening of it.

What? Yeah. Yeah!

So, Linda actually

fainted- Or we could

Hm? What? Y'know. Now.

You mean? Only

if you wanted to.

No. Yeah, yeah. Yeah! Yeah?

Sorry, I mean, I WAS just here to

get my ham sandwiches but-Yeah.

About five minutes? Er

ten ten minutes, yeah.

Yeah. OK.

Mm. Yep.

Kirst, what's in this water?

Oh, no. Oh, no. No. What?

I'm so sorry! What is it?!

No, I didn't mean for

you to drink it, did I?

What is it? I didn't

mean for you to drink it.

OK, because this morning I woke

up and I was really phlegmy-

Oh, my God, Kirsty!

I know. I know.

I'm so sorry! I didn't

mean for you to drink it-

I can feel it going

down! I'm so sorry.

It's sliding down my gullet,

Kirst- Alright, alright!

Calm down, knobhead. I'll

make you a cup of tea.

Take the taste away.

Oh

Kirst?

I'm calling the police! No,

no, don't do that, love.

Tell her. Tell me what, Glen?

'Scuse me for not standing.

My sciatica was k*lling me.

Cos I've been on my

trotters all day,

looking for a certain little

twat with a nutty haircut.

Oh, my God! Does he mean YOU?

Why's he saying that? Any

chance of a nice cup of tea?

Kirsty, no, no. What? What's

happening? Is it drugs?

It's drugs, isn't

it? It's drugs!

Leave off! I don't think

crackheads come in beige, do you?

Are you gonna introduce

me or what? No!

Agh! No!

Kirsty, fetch the pepper

spray! What the f*ck is that?

Go on, get it, Kirsty!

Get it! I'm getting it!

Are you gonna plunge me

with the objet d'art?

Sorry. I'm sorry, Lee.

But you cannot be here-

It's a bit late for that. Listen-

No, no. I don't want to listen.

I just wanna ask you- No! Now

get out of my f*cking house!

Oh, for f*ck's sake! I just

want to talk to you, Glen!

You know each other?

No, not really, no.

Oh, "not really"?

We We used

to "We used to"?

Not, not, not, not

any more, actually.

Jesus Christ, you

really ARE a turd.

Spray him, Glen! I

can't get the top off.

f*ck me!

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t!

Canvey Island Holiday Park, '94.

No, no,

take your time.

Take your time. Come on, Glen!

I'm trying! I'm

trying!

Ahhh!

Yeah, alright. I know

where I'm not wanted.

Nice to meet you, my darling.

You keep a lovely home.

What?

That's enough from

you, thanks. Get out!

Oh, dear. And don't

come here again!

Yeah, that's it!

and don't pass it on, but I'm getting

it myself on my high-traffic areas.

My absolute pop of the

top Pop of the

Pop of the Pop

Pop Glen, mate!

You see what happened this

morning with that geezer and Ian?

I'm a bit busy, Aysha.

Honestly, f*ck my life,

the one time I'm doing work

and I miss him

getting shanked up.

My neck,

my back Who's this now?

Lick my p*ssy ♪

Yo!

I'm I'm really sorry.

OK. Let's talk

underlay- Da-f*ck?!

Bro, we was literally

just talking about you!

Yeah, he's here. Yeah, one sec.

Ian, innit.

Hello?

'Glen! You need to

come immediately.'

What? Where?

Ian? Ian, what's going on?

'Oh, God! I'm sorry. I

I don't know! I don't know!

I can't do this! I-'

'For f*ck's sake,

just give me the phone!

Give it here.'

Lovin' your gilet.

'Dagenham, by the

water, where he died.

You know the spot.'

No!

No! Stop! Wait! Wait!

No! No! Stop!

Don't do it!

Do what? Well

Ki k*ll him?

k*ll him?

I've just given him a

cheese twist and a flapjack.

Hello, Glen.

Oh, my God, you bound him?

Well, he did struggle

initially. Only initially.

Ian, I am so sorry. Ian

But we've been getting on.

And it turns out

he's a lovely fella.

Thank you! Christ,

it's double layered!

He's been opening up

about his marriage.

Sheila and me are going

through a bit of a rough patch.

Yeah, which YOU'D know,

if you'd bothered to ask.

Is he drunk?

Just to grease the wheels. My

wheels are f*ck' greasy!

Oh, my God.

Why would you do this?

I just wanted to get your

attention. My attention?

By kidnapping my boss?! Do

you think that's reasonable?

Think that's normal?

Here we go, look.

Old Panickin' Skywalker.

I told you, didn't I?

Right. Well, everyone's

having a lovely time here.

So I'll just be off. Oh, Glen.

Glen, don't be like that. Glen!

Glen!

Glen! Glen, look you're getting

all mud on your trotters! Look!

I just want to ask

you a question!

No! What?

I don't want to hear

your question. I refuse.

Why? Because

No.

No, no. I've got

a nice life now.

And I won't have it dragged

down into whatever bloody

After eight years, what gives you

the bloody right to come here-

For f*ck's sake,

I'm your brother!

No way!

Some brother!

Well, YOU'RE the one

who f*cked off to Essex!

How dare you!

I was

I stayed for her, yeah, while you

were off doing f*ck knows what!

Oh, here we go!

Yeah. Every day.

Feeding her and getting

her tablets all

You didn't even have

the decency- Fine!

Forget it.

Hang on.

Sorry, Ian. I'm sorry

you had to hear all that.

Not a problem. I do sort

of need a wee, though.

Come on, then. What is it?

What do you want to ask me?

Don't worry. You said you

didn't want to hear it.

I DO. I DO want to hear it.

And Ian does, too, don't you?

Well, actually, my bladder-

What is it? Come on.

You've come all this way.

You've gone to all this trouble.

You've brought me to

the spot where Dad died.

It's obviously important to

you. Come on, ask me a question!

You got Steve's number?

Steve? Steve.

Steve?! Steve.

Your Uncle Steve.

Except not by blood. But,

you know, Steve Drummond.

You just want Well, he's

your god-dad, ain't he?

You know, I just thought

you'd know where he is.

Lost touch with him.

I miss the c**t.

But I thought, erm

No, no, I don't have it.

Right.

f*ck.

Well. You, er You

look after yourself.

And if you do hear from him,

you WILL let me know, won't ya?

Sure. Yeah. While you're

here, you better get Ian out.

Ooh, thank you.

Ian, I'm so sorry about

this. Let's get you out

Hang on. What's all this?

Leave that alone, Glen.

No Leave it

alone. Leave it-

Why have you got? Oh, my

God! Are you living in here?

It's just temporary, right,

until I sort meself out.

Hang on Hang on. Oh,

my You brought Dad?!

Put him back. Why

would you bring Dad?

Put him back where he was!

Why have you brought dad, Lee?

Doesn't matter why- Why

would you bring dad, Lee?

Put him back. Why have

you brought-No! No! No!

I'm not gonna ask you again!

Alright! Alright! Alright!

You can't sleep here.

You can stay at mine.

What? Yeah, a

couple of nights.

Get yourself sorted.

Find Steve, whatever.

You sure?

If you promise me there's

nothing dodgy going on.

Oh, f*ck off! No, no,

no, I mean it! Promise.

Yeah, alright, I

promise. Oh, thank God.

No.

I want you to swear on Dad that

there's nothing bad why you're here.

I won't be doing that because

that's f*cking ridiculous!

No, swear on Dad,

Lee. f*ck off, Glen!

Swear on Dad! No,

because I'm not 12!

Swear on Dad! Those are

the ashes of my father!

Swear on Dad, Lee! No!

Swear on Dad! No, I

won't swear on him! No!

Swear on Dad!

Swear on Dad! Swear on Dad, Lee!

God. Swear on Dad!

Swear on Dad!

Argh! Swear on Dad!

f*cking little prick!

f*cking mug!

Alright! ALRIGHT!

I swear. On Dad. Say it!

Alright! I f*cking swear on Dad!

f*cking hell!

Argh!

That's for being a silly b*tch.

You f*cking

Everybody's Talkin'

I'll be right with you.

I didn't know

I had so much in me.

Nice gaff you've got,

though, Ian. Yeah, thank you.

What am I gonna say to Kirsty?

Who'd you say I

was after I left?

I said, erm

you'd worked for Dad's

haulage company, and

you'd lost your way and fallen

into a spiral of addiction, and

And? Well, yeah, I had to

think on my feet, didn't I?

What did you say? I

panicked, alright?

What did you say, Glen?

You worked in prostitution!

f*cking hell!

Cheers!

I didn't think you'd be

coming back, did I, so

And it's "sex worker", Glen.

Get your terms right.

Alright, I've got it.

We'll pick up a takeaway

- get her favourite.

What's her favourite?

Spring rolls, lamb bhuna and

a side of popcorn chicken.

It's a logistical nightmare

but it'll do the trick.

Sheila! Shove your throw

cushions up your arse!

Just charm her.

Say something nice

about her fringe.

Her fringe? It's

always the fringe.

You know, just say it like

it "really frames her face".

Something like that.

No, sorry. She's YOUR

fiancee. You know best.

You're a top man, Glen.

You're a bigger man than ME.

Not literally, obviously.

Probably cos Mum smoked while

she was pregnant. f*cking what?

There he is. f*ck off!

The old Angry Beaver.

Ah, you don't change,

you, do ya? f*ck you!

Oi! Get away from

my bin! f*ck you, Phil!

Wazzock!

Shall we

No. Let's go.

Sheila!

A promise I make,

a promise I make

♪ Starting to take,

starting to take ♪

♪ Alright, love! Sorry

I'm so late. Babe ♪

♪ Look who's back in

town. My bloody

Rhinestone Cowboy ♪

She has

had a few drink, OK,

while she's been

waiting for you.

A little couple of glasses of

vino di rosso de tinto ma bebe.

Yeah. Ha-ha. Sorry, Kirst,

there's something I need to-

What is that? Tastes

Of The World, innit.

Eee

You got my favourite!

Even though it's a ♪

logistical nightmaaaaare ♪

Yeah, there's something I need to-

Cos you gotta get the poppadoms!

Kirsty, if I could-

No! No!

Alright? Glen! What the fu-

It's not, erm He's,

er- Why is he here?

This is Lee. Nice to meet ya.

He's gonna be staying

with us for a bit.

Are you f*cking insane?!

He broke into our home!

What are you thinking?!

It's only for tonight. Glen,

you said he was a sex worker.

Told ya.

Kirsty, erm- Oh,

right! Oh, no!

Oh, is it Are you

two- Christ! No! No!

No, it's not that!

f*cking joking!

Oh, my God Kirsty!

Kirsty, Kirsty, Kirsty-

No! You get back!

You get back! Listen to

me. Kirsty, listen to me!

Kirsty! Kirsty! He's my brother!

OK.

OK, sure. Yeah, sure he is.

Because, you famously

have absolutely no family

and he looks oh, literally

nothing like you, Glen.

Oh, no, it's totally

plausible that he's your bro-

Remember?

What's he doing?

Canvey Island Talent Show, 1994.

Oh.

What?

You got the tunes?

You got the spoons?

Can somebody please tell me

what the f*ck is going on?

Moving On Up

Right?

Cos I'm movin' on up

You're movin' on out

Movin' on up

Nothin' can stop me

Movin' on up

You're movin' on out

Time to break free

Nothin' can stop me

Movin'

Movin'

Movin'

Nothin' can stop me

What the f*ck?

Oh, my God.

I better get Dad on

the radiator. Yeah.

I'm I'm so sorry,

Kirsty, but

♪ I got the poppadoms! ♪

f*ck you. Do you hear me?

I'm gone. So call them off.

It's over.

Yes, I'm comin' down

I keep meaning to

say, love, your, er

your fringe

really frames your face.

I'm comin' down,

down, down, down, down!

Comin' down with a heartache

I ain't sick but I got a fever

Blood pressure's running high

Pulse ain't right,

I can't sleep at night

And here's the reason why

I'm comin' down,

down, down, down, down!

♪ Comin' down with a heartache ♪