01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

The following program me contains

strong language and adult humour.

You know how I feel about secrets.

There's this big one in the garden.

Your d*ck pills, Glen. When are

you gonna stop letting people

treat you like sh*t. Dickwad!

He, er, wants you to cover for him

tomorrow as acting assistant manager.

Cheers, Ian! Someone's been

a naughty boy, ain't they?

Promise me there's nothing dodgy

going on. Who you been talking to?

I'm gone, so call 'em off!

Does the name Bunny ring a bell?

I'm the man.

I'm the man!

I'm the f*cking manager

for today, with Ian off sick.

So, I thought, "Hey, why

not shake things up a bit?"

Agh, mine's stale

Glen, can I swap it?

I want your suggestions. What can

we do better? Throw it out there,

whatever you wanna say.

This one's sh*t and all.

Let's make this a more

engaged workplace environment.

And maybe, just maybe,

we'll sell a few more quality

flooring systems along the way!

Bullshit. Sorry?

You're manager now?

Just like that?

Er, well, no, acting

assistant manager-Bullshit!

Eugh! I know what's

going on here!

f*ck me, there's

custard in this?

You think I'm dumb? You

think I'm a dumb fool?

Oh, no I heard you!

Chatting up Ian in the bogs!

No, no, Bri-Brian that's not

what happened. It's not li-Rat!

Rat tactics! What?!

Chill out, grandad!

Shush, you!

Oh, OK, let's make this- Did

he Did he just shush me?

Simmer down. Don't shush

me, f*cking liquorice breath!

OK, not that sort of language-

Who even eats liquorice?

Shits from the past. Like you!

Aysha, Aysha I've got this!

I'm on your side,

dickhead. Go, and open up,

it's nearly nine. Now,

go! Or what, Glen?

You gonna throw noodles at me?

What? Yes, bruv.

I've seen the video!

Ian's not gotten sick. Ian's

gotten criminally insane. Look!

"Suck that! Suck that."

Yes, bruv! You and Ian, is

it? Cheeky little date night?

I bloody knew it!

Erm

Time ♪

Well, well

♪ Well, well,

well, well, well. ♪

Oh, no.

Oh.Oh, sorry, won't be a minute.

I don't mind if you don't.

OK

Suits me, dunnit?

Er, yeah, erm

Oh, sorry.

Er, so, no work today, no?

No. I've got a day off today,

so I'm taking my Mum out,

bit of retail therapy!

How lovely.Mm.

That's good of you that is, using

up your holiday. Yeah, well,

she's helping us with

the wedding fund so

It's mental the amount

people spend nowadays. Huh?

Fifteen, twenty

grand, some of 'em.

Well, it's our big day,

so Course it is.

And you want everything

to be just right.Yeah.

Glen was saying you might be staying

with us for a couple of days?

Only if it's

alright with you.

Oh, yeah, absolutely,

brilliant. Yeah, great.

Do you know, I might just

I'm gonna give you some space,

OK, thank you. Oh!

No! No! No! I'm not working

my butthole off Please

Brian, Brian Ugh all day

just to make you look good!

Fire him, Glen. Who cares?

The man's a f*cking

incel. You hear that?!

Abuse! Right there!

I've taken this from her

for too long! Shush man,

you don't know sh*t

about sh*t. Look, Brian,

m-m-m-maybe we could just

talk this through, yeah?

M-m-m-m-m-maybe it's

time I pulled the trigger.

No.Let's see what HR

has to say about this.

Please, Brian.

Not Brian no, no,

Come on, man. Helen.

Get your fleece. We're leaving.

Are those two shagging? Huh.

Brian? Br-Brian

No, don't, Brian

B-Brian And to think, Glen,

I wasn't going to tell

anyone about your d*ck pills.

Mic drop.

Don't do

that. Hmm? Don't rinse.

Keep the fluoride in, good

for the enamel and that.Erm

Oh, well, I didn't know that.

Right, thanks. So,

when is the big day?

Erm, so it's just over

three months away now.

So, will you? Will you be

joining us? Well, obviously,

if I can, you know, but, erm

Yeah, no, well it'll be

brilliant to have you there.

I mean, like I say, I, you

know Yeah, of course, hey.

Oh, do

you know what, Lee?

Erm, do you know what I just don't

quite understand, is, erm-Uh-oh.

Mm Glen been neglecting

his manly duties?

Sorry? Not keeping his end up?

Your tap. Needs a washer.

Yeah. It's been like that

for a while, ain't it? Yeah.

Yeah. For God's

sake, Glen. I know.

I'll slip out today,

go get you one. Brilliant.

Make myself useful while I'm here.

Yeah, that'd be great, thank you.

He's put in a formal complaint.

Harassment, discrimination

and unfair promotion.

It's I'm f*cked.

Let it go, bruv,

Brian's a poosio.

Man's like a Tik Tok

l*sbian.

Aysha

don't take this the

wrong way, but

are you never worried,

like, you might get fired?

Only cos, like, I'm

not being funny,

but you are You're sort of

quite bad at your job, aren't you?

Mate. You gotta

let that energy go.

It's just like, fate or whatever,

you know? Like 'YOLO' and that.

(SIGHS) Also,

my family own the company.

What? World of Carpets, yeah.

Fourteen stores

across the Southeast.

We're like minted.

Don't tell no one, though.

Alright. And I won't tell

no one about your Yeah?

Alright? Yeah, yeah.

Christ, like, it's

nearly one o'clock.

How's not one person

come through those doors?

Wait,

I knew there was

something. I knew it!

What?

Cos you asked me to

unlock them, didn't you?!

f*ck!

What, mate, don't take

them all!

Oi? I only want

one pack.

Chill out, bruh,

it's not that deep.

Believe

me, Ron, I'm looking.

Lee f*cking Campbell.

When I find him, I'll f*cking

It's like It's

like It's like

looking for a c**t

in a haystack.

I was standing there

first, and you saw me.

They'll have more in the

back! I couldn't give a f*ck

what's in the back. It's

about the f*cking principle.

f*ck off, you f*cking nonce!

I know, Ron, I know.

I heard what you said,

I know, I'm f*cking

My eyes are peeled, yes

Just taking a little break. Just

picking up a few things, yeah? Oi!

Hang on a sec, shut up, will ya?

Shush!MAN: (VIA

"Gavin to wood flooring."

"Gavin to wood

flooring, please." Ron,

you are not gonna believe this!

Ugh!

Here you are.

Keep the

change, my darling.

You're 5p short.

It's him, Ron. It's

actually f*cking him!

He's here in Loughton. Yeah.

Looks like we're gonna have

to find this brother of his.

Bloody swines! Tried

to turn me away.

You can't use the loos

unless you make a purchase.

f*cking Nazis! I mean, I

said, "It's Costa Coffee love,

"not Dachau!" Mother! He backed down

when I pointed out I'm on my stick.

I do need it, Kirsty.

My symptoms come and go.

Now Right,

I need some "eyeshadder".

I've had my colours done,

turns out I'm f*cking "winter"!

Right, I'll wait

here. You what?

I'll wait here. I'll wait

here. I just wanna look at

things. Oh, right. OK.

I'll just ask some ran do shall I,

what suits me best? Don't worry,

cos I've only lumped you

half my f*cking life savings

for your wedding, but no,

you wait there, why not(?)

What do ya think? Yeah.

Yeah? It's nice, yeah.

I want a second opinion.

No! Come on. Honestly! What the sh*t

has crawled up your arse and died!

Oh, right. That again.

What? No. It's your business.No.

What are you, erm? No, no, no.

Just as long as you sort it out

before your wedding.No

OK, it has nothing

to do with- No.

Everything's really good,

actually. Yeah, we're really

Yeah, Glen's, erm, actually up

for promotion at the moment, so

Least one of yous working,

aye? Look, I've said it before,

I'll say it again.

f*cking and feeding,

that's all men need. You keep

that up, you're laughing.Hmm.

That's where it went wrong with

your dad. Always with a Fray Bentos

but when it come to intercourse- We

are nothing like you and Dad! OK?

Oh? No, actually, yeah,

Glen, if anything

..my God, he wants

it too much, so Bully for you.

Right, Matalan.

They'll try and give you

grief about not being able

to return underwear, but say

I've been on martinlewis.com,

I know my rights. Mm-hmm.

Alright, love! f*ck. Sorry.

Hiya, love, hiya. What?

What? Y-You're

You're doing a

face. What? I'm not.

You are a bit. (CHUCKLES

NERVOUSLY)Am I?

Oh, erm

OK, well,

I was gonna wait to talk to

you about this, but, erm

Yeah, I've just

I found these, so

Erm, and I-I'm not

cross, not at all, no.

I just We'd said

no secrets, hadn't we?

So I don't need

'em. So What? Er,

just in case, but you

know I don't need em, so-

Yeah, but I'd like to talk

to you about it, Glen.

It's fine, Kirsty. Can you

just- OK, no, but can you,

because we did used to

didn't we? Like, quite often.

It's nothing, if you just-

Do you not fancy me anymore?

I love you to bits,

Kirst. But you don't

Course! I Kirst Kirsty!

I'm actually, just gonna,

because Yeah, no. Well, don't

What I'm saying is You don't

need to throw them in the bin,

Glen. The thing is, I don't need

them Kirst! So

Alright? Hiya! Alright?

Got the washer for your tap.

Oh, brilliant, brilliant!

Cup of tea? Yeah. Yes,

please.Lovely.Thank you!

What

don't you need?

Hmm?

You were just saying. Erm

Right, yes, er, we

we we we

we were just talking about-

About Orthopaedic insoles.

Orthopaedic insoles.Yeah.Yeah,

I don't need em. So

Right. Yes.Congratulations.

Mm. Thank you, yeah,

cos I I bought some.

For the dance. For the

wedding dance, yeah. Yeah,

we've been practising

for months! Yeah.

And I often get a twinge on the-

On the pas de bourree. Yeah,

yes so I bought some, yeah.

But I, erm

I I don't need them,

actually.

So You sure?

Yeah, I'm I'm I'm

feeling much better so, erm

maybe later let's, erm

have a bash at the Paso doble.

Tea for ya. Oh,

aha!

Thank you. Now, go and put your

trotters up. I'll fix your tap.

Go on. Ah Yeah.

: Why is

he wearing my shorts?

Bim Bom ♪

Bim bom bim bim bom bim bim

Bim bom bim bim bom bom ♪

Sorry, I do just keep

thinking about Ian.

Right.

Just Just, like, if-if, you

know, he's not there tomorrow,

then am I manager still?

Is he manager-Glen!

Shall we Pasa doble?

Yeah. Yeah? Yes.

I might just actually just

Er, do you mind if I, erm,

just b b-brush my teeth.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

SPEED)

"You are a

tower of strength."

"A volcano of masculine energy."

Won't be a minute,

Kirst! "Your p*nis is"

"You are

a totem of virility."

"Your p*nis is a

mighty redwood."

Coming, I'll be

right there. Mm-hmm.

"You are strong,"

"magnificent."

"You are a totem of virility."

"A volcano of

masculine energy"

"a tower of strength."Agh!

: "Your p*nis

is a mighty redwood.

"You are st"

How long?

Right.

Get your

f*cking shoes on.

Glen?

Glen?

Wait Wait!

We cannot be here!

I'm not even supposed to be

bloody- Shut your f*cking mouth

and get your

clothes off. What?

Get your clobber off

down to your pants.

OK. No.

That is actually

Argh! I want it off.

Get off. Get off me.

Argh. Alright! Alright!

Just f*cking tell me what we're

supposed to be doing. I know you.

Now, you might have the world

fooled with your old man trousers

and your tidy little borders but you

can't fool me, son, I'm your brother.

There's a mad c**t inside you,

and we gotta get him out.

So, we're gonna fight.

Man to man, skin to skin.

Because that Glen,

that's what you need.

What?! No, I don't need that

Argh! You wanna get

hard? Get off me! Ugh!

Get off! Off!

Come on, mate, let's

get you hard! Argh.

Huh? Who is it?!

Reveal yourself!

I can't f*cking believe this!

So, it's fight club?

It's not fight club.

Yes, it's fight club. It sounds

a lot like-It's not fight club.

It's fight club. Ian,

why are you here?

I got booked by the rozzers,

Glen! Why didn't you just go home?

Sheila takes a dim view of

I thought it best I stay away.

So, after everyone left today,

I set up camp over

by the shagpiles,

haven't looked back! So, Lee

fight club. Where do I sign up?

Mm.

Now you got some issues,

but this ain't about you

This is about you.

So, are we gonna have a tear up

or what? No, no, no. I'm leaving.

I'm sorry. Yeah, but I-I've

I've got work tomorrow,

actually. A-A-A-And they're

not "old man" trousers,

they're dri-fit chinos,

they're breathable active wear.

Ooh, you getting annoyed

are ya? I am, actually!

Yeah, I'm I'm

getting frigged off!

Well, f*cking show me, then! I

won't, Lee! I shan't be drawn!

Oh, he shan't be drawn,

Ian. I will. I'll be drawn.

Take your weight off my chinos.

No, no, I think Glen does

need to run home to Kirsty.

I reckon she'd rather be on her

own tonight. You are creasing

the hem, Lee! That way she

can invite in the pizza boy.

Cos she's gotta get a bit of c*ck

from somewhere ain't she? Fu

Oh! There he is! I

knew he was in there,

the Old Angry Beaver. Yeah

I've got the plums son.

Ruddy big ones!

Come on then, you nutty

bollocks! Let's f*cking have it!

Argh!

Yes! Oh yes!

Oh, well, Ian, looks like

it's just me and you

My little brother

wants to tap out.

You know my mother, she

swore she never smoked

when she was pregnant with him

but I think it's open for debate.

Some of my earliest memories

were plumes of smoke

coming underneath the pantry door

while I was watching Button Moon!

So, think it's safe to say

that that old girl was lying

through her f*cking-(GROANS)

That woman was a saint!

So, you won't throw

a punch at me,

but you'll whack me

with a f*cking pipe?

It's a D40 inner tube!

Ugh! Yes! Come

on! Yes Glen! Come on!

Yes! Let it out!

I'm not letting anything out!

Yeah. I'm a Argh.

Sorry, Ian, sorry! Oh, God.

There's There's blood!

I knew there was

a bit of Dad inside you!

First First

aid! f*ck YOU, LEE!

Oh!

Feels good

that dunnit, Glen, huh?

All that aggression running

through ya! It's not

I'm not Ugh!

Yes, alright. Yes,

it f*cking does.

Yeah. Cos who are ya? I'm

I'm Who are ya!? Ugh!

I'm the angry f*cking beaver!

Yeah!

Yes! You use that energy.Yeah.

And you take it into the world,

and you go and get whatever

you f*cking want! Yeah!

Do you understand me?

Yes! How do you feel?

I feel I feel livid.

What about? About Roger next

door parking on our drive.

What else? A-And

And fruity vapes!

And? And people

calling me "big man"

and and teenagers playing their

music without earphones, like,

I don't wanna hear Cardi

B saying the N word,

I'm in Holland and f*cking

Barrett! Yeah! Yeah!

And And there's

you! What? Yeah!

You! I'm trying to help

ya! No! You're not!

We both know you're not

here to reconnect, Lee!

Mum knew it. "Don't

rely on him," she said.

"Cos he won't be there for you when

you need him!"What, she said that?

Yeah. Now, here you

are, eh? In my house,

eating my f*cking

Muller Fruit Corners!

Easy! Easy! Why are

you really here? Huh?

Why are you here, Lee?

Eh? Why are you here?!

It's bad, Glen. It's

really f*cking bad.

Uh cleaning?

♪ Bim Bom ♪

Bim bom bim bim bom bom

Bim bom bim bim bom bim bim

Bim bom bim bim bom bom

Bim bom bim bim bom bim bim

♪ Bim bom bim bim bom bom. ♪