01x05 - A Piece of Bread for a Scare

[bunniefuu]

The characters, plot, situations

and stories are purely fictional.

Any resemblance to fact

is purely coincidental.

[suspenseful music playing]

[door closes]

Can I go now?

[cop] It's up to you.

I've already told you everything I know.

[cop] Let's try another way.

Do you recognize this?

A bun.

It's a special one.

Straight from Mama Cake's oven.

[door clanging]

[water dripping]

[dramatic music playing]

[door opening]

[exclaims] Wences! Wences!

I don't want to die here, in jail!

Please!

Don't worry.

It's going to be all right.

[retches]

How come they didn't catch Morro?

He was the one sh**ting at us.

It's a good thing

I'm awesome behind the wheel!

[María] Hold on!

[screams]

[Morro] That damn granny is asking for it.

Come on, Camilita.

Get to work, baby! Get to work!

-No! as*h*le!

-[screams]

He can't sh**t us in broad daylight!

He's sh**ting!

Son of a b*tch.

[sirens approaching]

-Look, the Police.

-I saw it.

Damn granny!

[Xiadani] María,

the police are following us!

They're right here!

My God, save us.

[siren wailing]

[glass breaking]

[chuckles] Her memory has already faded.

What's this old b*tch up to now?

Hang on!

[siren wailing]

They're back!

-The cops are back!

-María.

The wheel, María.

[shouting indistinctly]

[María] We're going to get caught,

my God!

[Xiadani] Watch out for the

[police radio chattering indistinctly]

[car revving]

[Morro] That María is a real pro.

More than many hitmen I know

who cry over their little fingers.

[chuckles]

But I can't let it go.

Did you see how many buns she was selling?

The product is gold, man.

Those little love plants

are going to be mine.

She no longer has them.

I don't believe that.

Maybe she won't want to work with you.

Yeah? And who's going to ask her?

If necessary, I'll kidnap her.

I'll chain her up in the kitchen,

and make her bake

until I learn the recipe.

Do you hear me?

Watch her day and night

to find out how to screw her over.

Take the car.

I need to settle a little matter up here.

[doorbell buzzes]

[sighs]

Look what the cat dragged in.

Here to give yourself up?

Me? Never.

Hmm? Since when do you like danzón?

Since I was a kid.

Don't mess around, Morro.

I know you had something to do

with the mess in the park.

[speaking English] Excuse me?

[in Spanish] Why would Hans go

into the space cake business?

How should I know? Hmm?

-By the way, it was strong.

-Was it?

I'll tell you something. It was quality.

Where are you getting the raw materials?

It doesn't seem

like the crap you're selling.

Please.

What are you laughing at?

What you did isn't right.

Drugging old people? Really?

Not against their will.

That sounds like a confession to me.

Stop!

For confessions,

tell me what you're up to with Xiadani.

Me?

Tell me what business is it of yours.

Don't tell me

you're going to arrest me with that.

All right, now, hold still.

Let me go. I told you I didn't do it.

You're down. Stop it, Morro.

You're going to grab me.

You've always had a weak hand.

You've always been a slow runner.

Stop. You're starting to annoy me.

I'm just doing my job.

Well, I'm doing my job too.

-But yours is ill*gal.

-Says who?

Stop! Calm down!

-Calm down. I didn't come here for that!

-No?

Why did you come here? To challenge me?

No! Look, stop! Stop, man.

Don't do it, man.

Hans is covered on all sides.

That's not why I'm here.

Although I do have plans for him.

Do you know why I came?

To offer you a deal

you won't be able to refuse.

What do you think?

Poncho!

-Hey.

-Poncho, are you okay?

You don't know

how worried I was about you.

It was me who was worried.

Where were you last night?

Last night?

[all chuckling]

I have a little surprise for you.

-For me?

-Mmm-hmm.

Look, I present the brand new

Mama Cake food truck.

It needs a little touch-up,

but just imagine it.

We can put the logo here,

very big and eye-catching.

And at the top, two loudspeakers

that play songs to promote the cakes.

What do you think?

Yes!

I can see it! It's going to be awesome!

And we can include special delicacies!

Commemorative specials,

like bread of the dead,

the three kings cake.

These new inventions

like the butter muffin, glazed.

-Frosted.

-Frosted.

We can invent braided churros.

You've made your point,

but I'm in charge of the cakes.

María, it's a great idea.

Yes, it's very nice,

but I don't know.

If we leave it out here,

it's a bit of an eyesore

for the neighbors,

who get upset about everything.

Grandma.

I just want to help.

I want to show you

I'm capable despite my age.

Dear, it's a perfect idea. Thank you.

I have no words, really.

You know what? Let's go in.

The weather is changing.

Let's get in the house.

Why are we in the middle of the street?

[Xiadani] Where did you get the money?

I made a deal.

Where the hell were you?

Uh

-I was

-María showed up yesterday

with the debt money.

And says there's more.

Well, that's good, isn't it?

No, I don't want to be paid.

I want to keep her house and build my spa.

Look, Gloria,

there are laws to protect her.

And if she's paying, no way

Whose side are you on?

Yours, sweetheart,

but maybe we could get another place.

We could?

Do you know what it costs to rent a space?

You don't know how to do business, Jorge!

Perhaps, if you and I work together,

hand in hand,

as a team

Stop reading self-help books. Seriously.

"A team."

Want to help?

Find out

where María is getting that money.

Huh?

[pipe gurgling]

Xiadani!

Let go of that little vase!

You can't smoke now!

It helps me think better and relax.

It helps to clear my mind.

[María] What? You too? No!

For the love of God!

We have to be alert.

This isn't a game.

We have to take a good basket

of special cakes to Morro.

A peace offering.

And strong ones!

And I think we should raise

his percentage of profit.

Do we have a stash?

No, more importantly, I have my girls.

The Marías?

-Didn't you

-No.

I never k*ll my children.

I hid them for their own good.

The girls are very productive.

Yes, but in the right space.

No, I have to get them out of there.

[grunts]

[speaking other language]

Natalia not here.

-You're wasting your time.

-Please.

Tell me where she is.

I just want to explain.

The barracks.

Thank you.

Let's see.

Please, what's taking so long?

-Xiadani.

-María, let's go, I'm hungry.

-[María] What took you so long?

-You keep these like the family jewels.

I bet they didn't check

[María] Don't make me more nervous.

[Xiadani] Put some effort into it.

-[thuds]

-[grunts]

Wait!

[María exclaiming]

[continues exclaiming]

[opera music playing]

[María exclaiming in distance]

How did this happen?

How? You ran him over!

Because you were telling me to go!

I wasn't operating the heavy machinery!

What happened?

What did you do?

[exclaims]

We have to move him.

Quickly!

NATIONAL SECURITY

MEXICAN ARMY

-What can I do for you?

-I'm looking for someone.

Battalion and regiment?

-Or the name of the soldier?

-Natalia.

Natalia

Natalia something.

She's a parachute sergeant.

Can you tell her I'm looking for her

or give her a message?

No, sir.

This is a military camp,

not a sports club.

Please move back.

We're expecting new recruits.

Hey, how do you become a recruit?

Do you want to enlist?

First we have to see

how qualified you are.

Qualified?

On the ground, sir!

I said get down! And 50 push-ups!

Counting loud, sir!

Mmm-hmm.

-I can't hear you, sir!

-One.

-Two!

-Faster!

Three!

-Four!

-Counting loud, sir!

-Five!

-Faster!

Six!

-Louder, sir! I can't hear you!

-Seven!

-Eight!

-Louder!

Nine!

He's alive.

I can't hear his heart,

but he's breathing.

Do something.

-Why me?

-[María] Because you're a nurse!

María, I always get the same thing.

Let's see

I don't know! I missed the roadkill class.

Give him a cardiac massage.

-That's it.

-Massage? Let's see.

What are you doing?

What are you doing, girl?

You said a massage!

Move aside.

[Xiadani] What are you doing?

-[María] Let's see.

-What's that, María?

No, I'd better give him

mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Wait, I went to that class.

Okay.

Lend me your phone. Lend me your phone.

With this, yes

-[Jorge] Nothing.

-[María] I'm not going to let

Give me your phone. Your cell phone.

[woman] Hello, what is your emergency?

Miss, I urgently need

an ambulance, please.

Stay on the line for a moment.

[Xiadani] sh*t! Are you okay?

What are you going to do?

Move aside!

-Are you sure?

-Clear!

[Jorge] One, two,

-three!

-[Xiadani screams]

No, Jorge! What are you doing?

You're electrocuting him!

[Xiadani] You'll k*ll him!

-Take the wires off, Jorge!

-[Jorge] I can't!

They're stuck!

[Xiadani] No!

NATIONAL SECURITY

MEXICAN ARMY

[grunts]

No, of course. In fact

Recruit, where's your uniform?

You can't be on base like that.

-Go get changed.

-Yes.

LAUNDRY

[Jorge] We did our best.

[María] I told you

we had to be wide awake.

[Xiadani] They'll put us in jail.

[María] It was an accident.

Besides, Morro was on my property.

No, he's a dangerous guy

who's already tried to k*ll us.

I'm sure he was coming to finish us off.

No, Xiadani's right.

If the police discover the body,

they'll put all three of us in jail.

[woman] Thank you for waiting.

What was your emergency?

What was

[doorbell buzzes]

-No!

-[María] Who could it be?

[doorbell buzzes loudly]

I don't know.

-You go.

-No.

-You go.

-No, you go.

-Should I go?

-Yes, it's your house.

[doorbell buzzing continues]

Officer Cárdenas!

-Good afternoon.

-Hello.

How can I help you?

[gasps]

-[Cárdenas] I came to talk to you.

-It's Cárdenas!

[María] Yes, of course.

Yes, of course, come on.

I'll get you a coffee.

It's a ghost! He's coming for us!

[scoffs] What ghost?

He's Morro's twin brother.

His name's Cárdenas.

And he happens to be a cop.

Oh, man.

Now it's really hit the fan.

[both exclaiming]

[man] Search everywhere!

Search, over there where the blue car is!

Right there!

Today, man! Do it!

You, all the way around!

-Sir.

-Hey.

A question.

Yes. sir.

Did you see paratroopers come this way?

Yes, sir. The Third Battalion

has just left for training.

-Where?

-As always, sir. Here in front.

-Can I help you with anything else?

-No.

Stop! Now!

On the ground! And 50 push-ups!

-One, two, three, four

-I don't hear you counting, soldier!

five, six

Why are you shaking, María?

Huh?

Don't tell me my presence

is making you nervous.

[chuckles nervously] No.

It's my rheumatism, you know.

Aches and pains of old age.

Look, as I said,

I'm following a g*ng of drug dealers

operating in the neighborhood.

Really? Well, I don't remember that.

Well, my memory. You know, right?

It's old age. Old age.

I also told you my brother, Morro,

is heavily involved.

You haven't seen him again?

-Morro?

-Yes, the one that looks exactly like me.

Just bad. Very bad.

You do know him

because he's dating your nurse.

Ah!

-That Morro?

-Yes.

Do you want sugar?

Two.

No, he hasn't been here for a long time.

Thank God. [chuckles]

And you know what?

Worse is he's not alone.

He sells very high-quality marijuana.

And you know in what?

In some cakes.

Just like the ones you bake.

-Can you believe it?

-My God.

Who would think

of doing something so silly, right?

Criminals find their own ways, ma'am.

They're very bright. Very bright.

But that's not the point.

The point is

I'm this close.

This close to unmasking

the mastermind behind it all.

Sorry. [groans]

I felt my blood pressure drop.

-It's just

-Don't tell me.

-Old age.

-Old age.

[María] Yes, old age.

[Cárdenas] Old age.

[María] But, mind you, yes,

I remembered something very bad

Morro told me.

-What did he say?

-[María] Morro told me

He told me

that he doesn't like cinnamon braids.

Imagine.

Just that?

Don't you think that's enough?

I forgot

that he'd warned me, imagine that.

And in his last order, I put two in.

Just imagine!

No, it's my age, my age.

Soldier, attention!

What are you doing?

I'm getting my stuff ready

for air practice, sir.

I found out that you have heart problems.

Is that true?

Is it true or not?

It's probably nothing serious, sir.

Well, let me tell you something.

There's only one way

to solve these problems.

Trying your best

no matter what people say.

Much less, more insignificant things

like social class

or even the age difference.

Because for true love

For true love, there are no limits.

-[grunts]

-[screams]

You knew the mattress was there, right?

Are you sure this is okay?

Any better place

for the police to not find him?

[snores]

[both screaming]

k*ll him!

Is the dead man dead now?

-Nobody is going to look for him here.

-Okay.

Have you got it?

-There it is.

-Okay.

Help me with his feet.

That's it.

That's it.

Careful.

I'm doing fine.

-Good.

-Come on.

-He won't fit. Here he goes.

-Yes.

He'll fit. There.

[bones cracking]

It won't close. Hold on.

[sighs]

Major García.

Everyone's looking for you.

-Get in the car right now.

-What for?

Get in or I'll have you arrested!

-Okay.

-"Yes, Colonel."

-Yes Colonel.

-Let's go!

as*h*le.

Well, Cárdenas, let's cut the niceties.

If you think I am guilty, investigate me.

But it'll be a waste of your time,

because I'm innocent.

So it's no problem

if I have a look around, right?

Now?

-Now.

-But why?

Because it's the only way

to get the suspicion out of my head

that you are the one who is putting

the weed in the buns.

That's all.

Hmm.

Let him do it, María.

Let him look at whatever he wants.

To settle his doubts, once and for all.

Are you sure?

Sure, María.

Nothing to hide, nothing to fear.

In fact, why don't I give

the officer a full tour?

So he doesn't think we are bad hosts.

Hmm? I'll take care of it, María.

Let's cut the crap.

I know why you're here.

You do?

You think I got back together with Morro,

but that's not true.

And you know why?

-Because I want to be with you, Cárdenas.

-With me?

Mmm-hmm.

[man 1] Here are the orders

from our commanding officer.

Orders for what?

Take advantage of the ten-hour flight

to read and arrive prepared.

Flight? What flight?

-The one that takes us to the w*r zone.

-What?

[man 2] Gentlemen, pay attention.

We have a very important mission.

Check weapons.

No, sir, there's been a misunderstanding

and I can't go anywhere.

It is not the first time

an officer has been afraid to do his duty.

I'm going to see to it

you get on that plane

and reach your destination,

even if I have to tie you down!

[Poncho] No, please let me off!

[María] I think it was a good idea, Jorge.

I think we got away with it with Cárdenas.

And with Morro!

[Jorge laughing]

We deserve a good dinner.

-[oven bell sounding]

-Let's See. Now you'll see.

-[María] Mmm-hmm.

-[oven dings]

These cakes are very strong.

[tsks]

Wash your hands first.

[screaming]

[gasps]

[panting]

You can do it, Jorge.

Huh?

[water gurgling]

[sirens approaching]

[sobbing]

WE ARE GRATEFUL

FOR THE STELLAR PERFORMANCE FROM

[theme music playing]