[upbeat ukulele music]
[woman sighs]
[woman moaning]
Oh, my gosh, Sam,
that feels so good.
[moaning]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Sam, I love you so much.
Just a little higher.
Yeah, oh, God. Oh, my God.
A little higher.
Okay, yeah, right there.
Oh. Yeah, right there.
Oh, yeah, a little higher.
That's it, higher, right there.
Get it, get in there.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
I think I'm gonna c*m.
Oh, my God,
I think I'm gonna...
[moaning] Oh, God, Sam,
I love you so mu--
[moaning]
[breathing heavily]
[vibrating]
Oh, my God. [cries]
[sobbing]
[phone buzzing]
[recording] You have one new
voice message.
-New message.
-[phone beeping]
-[Cliff] Hey, Jessica.
It's Clifford.
I think your friend Melanie's
wedding is this weekend,
and I know you've
been super busy,
but I'd still love
to take you.
If you're going.
Okay, bye.
[sighs]
[phone buzzing]
Stupid. Okay.
-Hey.
-Hm?
Should we--should we take
some baby wipes?
You know, in case we get
any tent business going.
Oh, my God.
Really? That one?
[phone buzzing]
Hey.
Hey. I just wanna make
sure you're okay.
You don't have to be
nervous or anything.
Yeah, well I'm--
I'm totally nervous.
Well, don't be.
God, that's why I'm calling.
Hold on.
Mm, I still got it.
Okay, look.
What happened between you
and Sam is your business.
What everybody else
thinks doesn't matter.
All right?
Just be yourself.
What? Are--are people
saying something?
-[thuds]
-Oh, sh*t! I spilled
the curacao.
-What?
-Well, we're serving blue
lagoons.
You have to have curacao.
Otherwise, they're just lagoons.
No, no, I mean, are people
still mad at me? Are they?
'Cause that was--it was
eight months ago, you know?
I'm sure it's fine, okay?
That's why I'm calling.
Is Mel mad at me?
Because we haven't
talked, you know, in--
[man] Let's go, lover.
I wanna beat traffic.
Okay, honey. I gotta go.
Wait, Peter?
You are a treasure
and we all love you.
It's gonna be great.
[phone beeps]
[exhales]
-Let's go, Nate! Bye, guys!
-[Nate] Okay.
Okay, Maxine, you know where
the fire extinguisher is.
-Yeah.
-You know first-aid kit.
-Yeah.
-Neighbors know
we're going outta town.
But if you need to check in,
we'll have our phones on us.
-Nate?
-Yeah, okay, okay.
Come here, big man. [groans]
Okay. All right,
you gonna be a good boy?
-You gonna listen up? Yeah?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Wanna say goodbye to Mommy?
Let's say goodbye to Mommy.
-Bye, Mommy.
-Bye!
All right, bye, kiddo.
-Okay.
-Bye.
-Okay. All right, bye.
-Okay. Okay, I'm gone, okay.
-Have the best time.
Come here. Come here, come
here, come here, come here.
Oh, God. Oh, I love you.
Okay, we're good.
Okay, I love you,
I love you.
-I love you, buddy!
-All right, he heard you.
[Jess singing]
I reach by your
Side of the bed
But it's cold as the day,
The day that you left
And I
Pretend it's okay
Okay.
-[crying]
-[turns music off]
-[phone ringing]
-Okay.
[recording]
Hi, this is Karen.
Leave me a message.
-[beeps]
-Hey, Karen, it's your sis.
What up, milady?
Just on my way
to Mel's wedding,
which is, you know,
super awkward for me
-because Sam
is gonna be there--
-[beeps]
sh**t.
[singing along with radio]
Wish I could stop wishing
That you were
Still my boy
If wishes were dollars,
I'd have a million
-[machine beeps]
-[Jess] Hey, Karen, it's your
sister.
Just on my way to Mel's
wedding, you know,
she's marrying Greg,
I still can't believe it
'cause, you know, he is not
the guy I saw her with but--
-[woman] Are you still there?
-What the fu--?
-What are you doing?
-Nate, please.
-You don't smoke.
-Honey, I just wanna have
fun this weekend, okay?
So just try and relax and not
make me and my friends tense.
I never make you
and your friends tense.
[lighter clicking]
[exhales]
[coughing]
Oh.
This is the whole time?
Yeah, the whole time.
-[beep]
-Hey, Karen, it's your sister.
Just on my way to this
sh*t storm of a wedding
'cause you know,
hey, friendship.
Even though Mel
hasn't liked a single
picture or post of
mine in months--
-[recording] Sorry, would you
like to record a message?
-What the f*ck is happening?
[podcaster] Coming up
on this week's edition
of "Death in m*rder Town."
-[woman screaming]
-[both gasp]
-A m*rder.
-[phone clicks]
f*ck this.
Text Peter.
[phone] Here are Derek Jeter's
career stats in the MLB.
Goddammit. Oh, God.
[phone beeps]
Hey, are you there yet,
question mark?
Wanted to see if we
could grab a drink
before we head up, period.
Call me, exclamation point.
-[phone buzzing]
-What the f--
-[horn honking]
-I didn't even--God.
Text Peter.
-[phone] Which Peter
would you like to text?
-[Jess] Goddammit!
[phone] Peter Franklin.
Peter Boston.
...cute houses that litter
the valley.
-This is the town's sheriff.
-[phone buzzes]
-[man] Nothing
ever happens here.
-He's guilty.
-Oh, yeah, guilty as sin.
-It's just a quiet, sleepy
suburb.
[woman]
That's what they all say,
isn't it?
Okay.
[exhaling]
Okay.
Stop it.
Sam, we're gonna be late.
Oh, God.
[moans]
Oh, God,
I f*cking love you.
Oh!
Oh, Sam, I never
shoulda...
[phone buzzing]
[exhaling]
-Hey.
-[Cliff] Hey -- Oh, hey.
There you are. How's it--
hey, how's it going?
It's good. I'm good.
I'm good, you?
I'm good. You know me.
[laughs]
Hey, I was wondering if--
are you going
to Melanie's wedding
this weekend?
I just hadn't heard,
but it's this weekend, right?
Oh, God, are you sure?
I'm pretty sure.
I had it in the calendar.
I think--I think they might
have changed it, though.
Actually, I--I saw
Peter's post,
and I think they're
headed there now.
Oh.
Yes, it is.
It is this weekend.
But you know what?
I'm not--I'm not sure,
Cliff, if I'm gonna go.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I thought you were
the maid of honor.
Yeah.
Yes, no, I am.
I am the maid of honor.
You know, which
means I'll probably--
I will probably go,
but I'm just, um...
I don't think I'm gonna
stay that long so...
Oh, that's too bad.
Yeah. Yeah, like, I'm on
my way there right now.
But I, um--
I don't know, you know.
I'm probably just
gonna be in and out.
And it just--
you know what?
I just feel so bad,
you know?
It's not gonna be that
much fun for you, you know.
But you know what?
Maybe we could hang on Sunday.
You know, do John Oliver
or something.
You sure? I don't mind
going up for the day.
Honestly,
I don't mind, Jess.
sh**t, Cliff?
Do you want me to
meet you at--Jess?
sh**t, are you there, Cliff?
Jess, I can hear you.
Can you hear me?
If you can hear me--
if you can hear me, Cliff,
-don't worry, it's nothing.
-Jess?
-You're not missing
anything, okay?
-Jess! Jess!
-I will see you on Sunday.
-Okay, Sunday then.
Sounds good.
So what time you think
you'll be headed over?
sh**t, I can't hear you.
Bye-bye, Cliff.
Bye-bye, bye-bye.
Thanks, honey.
Yeah, we don't--we definitely
wanna bring the cooler
like sooner rather than
later before everything
like starts to melt.
Is that Jessica?
-Hi.
-I'll be right there.
Yes, poor thing.
Last single girl of the group
and she used to date
the best man.
It's literally every
woman's nightmare.
Who's the best man?
Sam.
Samantha, honey, you met
her at the engagement party.
-The best man's a woman?
-Oh, my God!
Like seriously, when you blurt
stuff out like that, I don't
even know what to think.
It's like,
you've seen The L Word.
This isn't news.
-Hey. Hi.
-Hey, Jess.
-Hi.
-Hi. Oh, my gosh.
Hey, Nate.
-Hey.
-Hi. Yeah, you look great.
-Oh.
-How's work?
-It's--
-Oh, I mean, well, I saw
in the alumni newsletter
you're doing like
a teen blog thing.
Okay, yeah, it's going great.
It's going so great
I'm actually, um...
-talking with Tinder.
-Oh.
Yeah, yeah,
I have this, um,
this great idea
for an online teen
tween dating site thing.
I think we should call
it OverTheShirt.com.
-Wow.
-Yeah.
Wow, I've never thought
of a dating site for teens.
Mm-hm, yeah.
Yeah, it's more of like
future brand building,
but you know they're
gonna be dating online
someday anyway, right? So...
Speaking of, how's your--
how's your little one?
-Evan. He's great.
-Evan.
He's amazing.
He's six now.
Six. Oh, wow.
Yeah, that's cute.
I saw you posted
a picture of him.
He was at a rodeo
or something.
-He's so big.
-Halloween.
-Halloween. Yeah. Okay.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, you know,
they grow up so fast.
-Yeah.
I mean, you feel like
every second of it,
but it's not like...
Anyway, you have a boyfriend
now, right? Cliff?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Cliff, he's not--
I'm just dating
a guy named Cliff.
Is he coming?
No he couldn't, he couldn't.
He had work, but...
Yeah, how did you--
did you meet Cliff?
No, no, no, we've just
been so busy helping Mel
with everything,
with the wedding.
-Yeah.
-I did your gift bag.
Oh, cool! Cool, yeah, yeah,
because I was like
I never post pictures
of me and Cliff.
You know?
Anyway, I'm gonna go settle--
I'm gonna go settle in.
-Okay.
-Hey, but did you guys
get my email?
-About the video?
-Yes.
-We did, yeah.
-Okay, you can do it.
Oh yeah, of course.
We'll get right on that.
Yeah, we've just
been like so slammed
helping Mel
with everything, so...
Mm-hm. Yeah.
That makes sense.
Anyhoohoo, your tent
is like right over there.
Yeah, it's down there somewhere.
I'll find it, okay.
-It's good to see you guys.
-Yeah.
Bye.
[chuckles]
She's got a boyfriend?
[sighs]
Catch up, Nate.
f*ck.
God.
[sighs]
Oh, no.
[giddy screaming]
Oh, my gosh.
Mel, I'm sorry I'm so late.
I was swamped with
work stuff, you know.
It's okay, it's okay.
Oh, my God, I'm just
so glad you're here.
-Can I help you with your bags?
-No, no, I got it, I got it.
No, I'm the one that
should be helping you.
-It's your big day.
Weekend, I mean, geez.
-Oh, my God.
-Wow.
-I know.
Mel, I mean, oh, my gosh.
I know, I'm like--
I'm like so excited
I just like--
you know, it took me forever
to find a place that was like
truly off the grid.
So we can just like...
unplug, you know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
So like there's no...
on purpose?
Oh, not for three
whole days.
Welcome to the real
FaceTime, baby.
Ooh, that is--
that is so insane.
[sighs]
[tent unzipping]
Ta-da!
[both laughing]
I totally would have
gotten you a cabin,
but they got snatched
up so quickly.
I'm a d*ck. I should have
made a reservation earlier.
Oh, my gosh.
Melanie, this is so sweet.
It's so you.
Thanks, yeah.
I really just wanted
you and Cliff
to feel comfortable and relaxed.
Ah, he couldn't make it.
He couldn't come.
Oh, no, is everything okay?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, oh, you know--
you know Cliff--
I like Cliff. I do.
I just--I don't know
if want a bunch
of pictures together
with him, you know?
At your wedding.
Yeah.
Um, this isn't
about Sam, is it?
Oh, God, no. No.
Okay, 'cause I--
I just really don't think
that you should
even go down that--
Yeah, I--yeah, I--
totally, me too.
So do I.
Okay.
I'm really glad you're here.
Have you said hi to Greg yet?
Oh, my gosh, no.
Is he here?
I'm kidding. I'm kidding!
I'm kidding, of course.
He's really nervous.
It's really adorable.
I'm so happy for you, Mel.
I really am.
I've really,
really missed you.
No, me too, me too.
When I got your invitation,
I was like,
"Yay, it's still happening!"
All right, I'm gonna
let you get settled in.
-Great.
-Okay, love you.
Love you, love you.
[indistinct shouting]
[gagging noise]
-Hi.
-Hi.
Oh, my gosh,
there's no cell service.
I know, it's like
Guantanamo Bay.
At least they got
to post pictures.
Uh...
-You are horrible!
-You are worse!
-No, you.
-Yes, you.
Okay, if this wasn't
all surrounding a vag*na,
I'd get with it.
-Yeah?
-You are seriously putting
the lotion in my basket.
Oh, my God, I hope you're
putting that in the ceremony,
that was beautiful.
I'm mostly quoting Taylor Swift.
She'll love it.
[laughs]
Hey, hey.
[mouths]
-[whispers] What?
-Is Sam here?
She's not here.
I think she's flying back
from Thailand.
-What?
-What?
Was she alone?
I don't know
who was with her.
-What are you guys
being so secretive about?
-[laughing]
Nothing.
We're starting a cult.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Let's get you initiated.
This might pinch.
It's blood. I'm drinking
the blood of a pig.
Yeah, I'm getting
the brand ready.
Okay.
[birds chirping]
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs]
She's just so awkward.
[Nate] Well, she just went
through a breakup.
We were so close in college
and then we were supposed
to start an a cappella group
after graduation, and nothing.
She just flaked.
Like she flakes on everything.
I just--
I feel for her.
She really only
thinks about herself.
[breathless]
Yeah.
Is this okay here?
Hi. Are you waiting?
I'll be quick.
Just a sec.
[no audible dialog]
[moaning]
[board banging]
[music continues]
We have antibacterial spray,
wet wipes.
Nose plug.
What, you're not gonna
poop for three days?
I may never poop
again, thanks.
Dude, you did not.
Chateau Lafitte!
[laughs] Nothing but the best
for your first wedding, man.
You're an as*h*le, man!
-Hey, Greg.
-Jessica, what's up?
Hi.
Yeah, that'll do, sure.
All right,
so what year is this?
Is the same stuff from
the basement that tasted
so good with the sausage?
Dude, that stuff would
taste great if you paired
it with a dog turd.
Oh, man, it would taste good
if you drank it with
a glass of garbage.
It would taste great
if you drank it,
threw it up,
and then drank it again.
It would taste good
with truffle fries!
Blech!
Truffle fries, am I right?
-[car approaching]
-[chuckling]
-[Mel] No, no, no!
Stop! Stop! Jesus!
-They're good.
Stop. No, no, Bri.
-Brian, you can't park here.
You have to move your car.
-What's up, sis?
-[grunts]
-Stop, put me down.
Put me down.
Hey, how's anybody supposed
to find this place?
Why don't you just
get married underwater
or in the Grand Canyon?
-That's still a thing, right?
-Aw, no, no, no.
Shut up. Hey, my tent
better have a door.
Because I am not not hooking
up at your wedding!
This one?
Oh, my God, it's...
Yes, so chew that slowly
and then sip the Sancerre.
[smacking]
Shut your face.
I know, it's organic
and humanely farmed.
I don't care if they
butt f*ck goats to get it.
It's delicious.
Hey, I'll grab that.
You don't need to--
No, no, I got it.
Actually, I'm gonna
give you two.
You bet.
[Peter] Why is organic such
a big deal anyway?
My mom used to feed me
Velveeta from the Winn-Dixie.
I still turned out.
Didn't she also like try to
leave you at a fire station?
Oh, hold on, everybody.
Betty Draper wants to say
something.
-[laughing]
-Since when are you a smoker?
I have always been
a smoker, Peter.
I do not recall that.
You know that one cigarette
-has like 7,000 chemicals in it?
-Okay.
-Is that true?
-It's true.
My aunt was a smoker
and I used to send her
scary emails about how
fast it'll k*ll you.
Oh, well, guess
I'm a dead woman.
I don't think that's true.
Let me check that out.
-Oh, sorry, babe.
-Siri, search Myrna.
[Siri] Siri not available.
You are not connected
to the Internet.
It's the cilia.
It paralyzes cilia in your
lungs and your trachea.
-You have service?
-No, I just know that.
-You know, you can still smoke
in restaurants in Tokyo.
-Oh, yeah, how was your trip?
Oh, man, we found
the sickest apartment
right outside of Ginza.
It was so beautiful.
Mel, I saw photos.
Oh, yeah, it all just like
happened really quick.
Everything's so
small there, right,
but we found this two-story
penthouse with a roof deck
and like a koi pond
that surrounds this Kabuki
theater thing.
We'll have like some
theater parties or something.
Does it smell like money?
I bet it smells like money.
I would literally
die to live there.
Wait, are--
Are you guys moving to Tokyo?
[Brian] Greg's finally getting
crowned King of the d*uche bags.
He's been talking about
Tokyo for like a year.
Yeah, about as long
as you've been talking about
getting a boat.
No, it's just
'cause of his work.
It just like happened
really fast and...
[Greg] I mean, we've known
for a little while.
No, no, no,
it wasn't definite
until, you know, we just signed
the lease.
And he's gonna go
after the honeymoon.
How long
are you gonna be there?
-Not that long.
-Couple of years probably.
That's amazing.
I love Tokyo.
-When did you go to Tokyo?
-I didn't.
[man] What's up, guys?
-Hugh!
-We made it!
-[laughing]
-How the hell did you guys
find this place?
[Hugh]
How's it going?
[indistinct chatter]
[Greg]
Come here, you French
son of a b*tch.
I'm not French, Greg.
I'm American.
I only live in Paris.
Yeah, but you speak French,
right?
Wait a minute, what is this?
Is this Rita?
-That's Rita.
-Rita!
Hey, man.
Hi.
Oh, you gotta meet her.
This is Rita right here.
-Oh, my God, Rita, hi.
It's nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
I've heard so much about you.
-Hi. I'm Nate.
I'm Wendy's husband.
-Hey.
Hey, what's up, man?
-Wendy?
-Yes.
Oh, my God.
We met before. We--yeah.
-You look the same.
-I do?
You look exactly the same.
She does.
Come here [laughs].
[Wendy laughs]
[Wendy]
Sorry, cigarette smoke.
Pretty psyched
about the Tokyo thing.
I f*cking love sushi,
you know?
Mm, yeah.
-[Hugh] It's been forever.
-[Wendy] Yeah.
-[Hugh] Are you still singing?
-Yeah.
And I also have
an Etsy account.
And I sell organic
facial products.
-That's amazing.
-Thanks.
-I'm not surprised.
-Oh, thanks.
I was a little bit
when she started it.
-Do you want some moose cheese?
-I'm good, man, thanks.
[Nate] It's really good.
Mm.
That stuff's
expensive as sh*t.
-Hey, babe, let's leave
some for the guests, babe.
-Want to share this?
Peter and Vince wanted some.
Do you wanna make a plate?
-Yeah, just give me a second.
-Okay. You good?
-It's so good. Oh, my gosh.
-Oh, I know, it's--yeah.
You should try it.
You want some?
[Mel] No, wedding dress
tomorrow, you know.
[Peter chuckles]
Are you mad at Rita?
Is it because she's so beautiful
it hurts your eyeballs?
f*cking Tokyo?
I'm her best--
I'm her best friend.
How did I not know
about this?
Like, what is--
what is happening?
Jess, I'm sorry,
but cut her some slack.
She's getting married.
I know, I know,
and I am happy for her.
But you know, it's like
first she has her engagement
party without me.
You were out of town.
They couldn't move
Burning Man, you know?
I mean, I just...
Did you and Vince record
your video, by the way?
Because I have
to start editing.
Well, is it a have
fun in Tokyo message
or a wedding message?
It's for the f*cking
wedding, dude.
I didn't know that
she was moving
to the other side
of the world.
Okay.
So can you please
just record yourself
saying something
dopey and wedding-y
and something nice to remember
us by, and I'll just--
I'll be back, okay.
Jess.
I'm sure she was
going to tell you.
[exhales]
Oh, my God.
-[knocks]
-Hello.
Hey.
Hi, hey. Hi.
Hey, um, can you
restart your--
I just need you to
restart your router.
-I have some--some--
-[knocking]
I have some business I need
to attend to right away
and I have no cell service,
so come on, man.
Excuse me, come on, man!
[sighs]
[grumbling]
He was aware.
I mean, I saw him.
He was right there.
-[tent unzipping]
-Oh, my God, Brian.
You scared the sh*t
out of me!
Jessica, what is up?
-No.
-What?
-Just, no.
-You don't have to--
I'm just saying hi,
you know?
Checking on you.
Since Samantha is coming.
Yeah, so?
I think what she did
to you is terrible.
And I checked out some videos
-on LubeTube,
and the three of us--
-Oh, my God!
Only if you like wanted to.
You know, like a revenge thing.
-If there's--okay!
-No!
-No!
-Okay.
-Go!
-Okay.
I'm going.
Get outta here.
-Go.
-Okay.
[all laughing, chatting]
I'm not saying
the FBI isn't good.
I'm just saying they
would have been better
if they let me in.
To do what?
Come on, they always
need guys like me.
-Totally.
-You know Rita was almost
in the--in the CIA?
-Really?
-Yeah.
She can do everything.
Scale buildings, hack a phone.
Paralyze a man in 1.8 seconds.
She's amazing.
They were always
the perfect couple,
but they were just always
dating other people.
-We didn't know.
-No, he knew.
-You didn't know, but he knew.
-No.
Yes, he would always show up
at our a cappella concerts,
-like every single one.
-[Jess] How could you
not see it?
I was terrified.
You guys, I was so scared
the night we hooked up.
I knew it was gonna
be a thing.
-It was my birthday.
-Yeah.
Yeah, Melanie came over
and she was like, "Oh, my God,
Wendy and Nate are hooking up,"
and I was like,
"I only rented this place
for three hours." [laughs]
I pretty much nailed
the five-by-five,
and then--then I tried it
with a draw instead of being
low ready, so...
Is he still
talking about golf?
-g*ns.
-Wait, Peter,
-you've never
been to a firing range?
-Go figure.
Oh, man, all right,
you and Vince, you gotta
go to my place.
My guy'll take
good care of you.
Yeah, I'm not
really a fan of g*ns.
Well, I mean,
in theory I get that,
but in practice,
they're great, man.
[men laugh]
Have you ever k*lled a man?
[laughs]
-Course not.
-I have.
Marine Corps, seven years.
Third Reconnaissance
Battalion.
But that's not to say
you shouldn't have fun
at g*n practice.
Oh.
Thanks.
[women singing a cappella]
It had to be you
It had to be you
I wandered around,
Finally found
Somebody who
Could make me be true
Could make be blue
I'd rather be sad,
Trying to be mad
Thinking of you
So, Peter, you're g*y now?
No, Brian, we're just holding
hands like straight men.
Might try to be cross,
Try to be boss
But they wouldn't do
For nobody else
Gave me a thrill
For all your faults,
I love you still
It had to be you,
Wonderful you
It had to be you
It had to be you
Wonderful you
It had to be you
Oh.
But you had a girlfriend
in college?
I was engaged, yeah.
So is this weird for you?
Being at a wedding?
Having sex with women
was weird for me,
Brian, not the getting
married part.
But now you're g*y?
Yes, now I'm g*y.
So it's called
Give Just One.
And everyone posts
their good deeds
that they do and then everyone
else can go and see it
and get inspired to do
their own good deed.
Only one?
Why just one?
What if I wanna do two?
That's a different
business model.
Okay, so how
does it make money?
Well, I mean,
it doesn't yet.
She doesn't need
to make money, Wendy.
Her husband's
a gazillionaire.
Well no, no, I want it
to make money. It's just--
Well, it's gonna
be really hard.
I mean,
it takes a lot of work.
Why don't you help me?
I would love to, you know,
-but you're moving to Tokyo.
-So?
So you're gonna be busy,
you know, doing wife stuff.
You probably--you have
to learn Japanese.
Never mind. Never mind.
[Jess] I just--you know,
I just think maybe now
isn't the best time to start
a business, you know?
Your life is pretty chaotic.
How's the blog going, Wen?
-[Wendy]
Oh, the parenting thing?
-Yeah.
Yeah, I did two entries
and then I stopped.
No one wants to hear
from a prisoner.
-[Jess laughs]
-So...
How'd you guys meet?
High school, yeah.
I was best friends
with her brother,
and those were some
pretty tough sleepovers.
[men laughing]
Wait a minute.
Hugh, didn't you go out
with Wendy in college?
[Hugh]
Oh, no, no, no.
I had a pretty debilitating
crush on her,
but I wasn't her type.
What was her type?
-Anyone but me.
-[all laughing]
Nate, Nate was her type.
-Of course, he's her husband.
-Yeah.
No, I was the ugly
duckling in school.
No girlfriends,
much less a Wendy.
Yeah, but you're
a rock star now.
Ah, I got lucky, man.
I'm--I'm sorry,
what do you do?
Oh, man, Hugh has three
albums in the top 10.
Ah.
What?
That's--wow.
The argument isn't whether
or not he's funny, Mel.
He's a sexual predator.
A predator?
Okay, you're really one to talk
about being a predator.
-What?
-Well, I'm sorry, but like,
you're pretty adventurous.
-So?
-I mean boundaries aren't
really your thing.
I'm adventurous, but I have
never accosted someone
in a public space
and masturbated on them.
Um...
Uninvited.
Look, you have to draw
a line with this.
Oh, my God, we were
at a comedy club.
No, it's--
the line is all we have.
Don't you get that?
Before these m*therf*ckers--
f*ck, before these
m*therf*ckers had consequences,
this sh*t happened all
the time and nobody cared.
-That's true.
-Okay, so what are you doing
to change the world?
Oh, what, OverTheShirt.com?
Do you really think
that's a f*cking good idea?
I told you that in confidence.
I'm sorry, it's not like
you haven't left any damage
in your wake, and you're
really one to talk
about appropriate
sexual behavior.
Okay.
So did you go to
the Women's March?
Jess!
Come on, Jessica.
It's cool, Mel,
just go back to your party.
Hey!
Come on, Jesus.
Can we not talk
about sexual as*ault?
It came up, okay?
We were making, you know,
normal conversation.
-Why are you attacking me?
-Me?
What about all that sh*t about
Tokyo and my chaotic life?
You didn't tell me
you were moving.
How am I supposed
to take that?
I mean, Christ, Mel.
Is this because of Sam?
Because technically
she broke up with me.
No, I'm not discussing
her with you.
Right, because she's
your new best friend.
Oh, my God, why do you have
to make this about you?
Jesus, this is my wedding.
Okay, and I'm a little upset
that you
haven't taken
a more proactive role.
-Like what?
-I don't know.
How about planning
a bachelorette party?
Even Greg
gets a crown of dicks.
How do you think
that makes me feel?
-It can't be good.
-My God, Jessica.
What did you want me to do?
Did you want me to,
I don't know,
hire a stripper,
slip everyone Molly,
just do shots every time we all
wished our phones worked?
I mean, aren't we a little
old for this?
Oh, to celebrate
my happiness?
That is not what I meant.
Okay, so you have time to run
three Instagram accounts,
but you can't manage to show
up to my engagement party?
-You were already engaged!
-That's not how it works!
Why does there
have to be a party?
Jesus Christ, I honestly
feel like you just
can't be happy for me.
No, I am,
I am happy for you.
No, you're not.
And you've made fun of this
wedding every step of the way,
and you've made it painfully
clear that you don't like Greg.
No!
-I never said I--I never said
I didn't like Greg, never.
-No, you did.
You did, when I had my little
breakdown. You said it.
I never said those words.
What I said was I didn't think
that you really loved Greg.
-Oh, my God!
-And I didn't want you
to settle.
-You don't get it.
-I didn't want you to settle
because I didn't think that your
flesh burned for him, okay?
Or that you guys shared
one heart and one mind.
But maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe I'm missing something.
Is that what's going on?
You know, but I can't--
I don't know because you and I,
we haven't spent
any time together.
Oh, my God, I've been
planning a wedding!
We've been friends for 20 years.
Just f*cking get on board.
[crickets chirping]
Oh, and if you f*ck my brother,
I will never forgive you.
I'm not gonna f*ck Brian.
Nobody f*ck Brian,
and you know it!
[footsteps]
Hey.
[sighs]
[leaves crunching]
No, no, Brian, no!
Damn it!
-Oh, my God.
-Is it done?
Not until it percolates.
This is how murders
happen in the woods.
-They're waiting for coffee.
-Good morning.
Hey, mwa, how'd you sleep?
Not great. I feel like I like
the idea of camping.
-He wasn't really asking.
-[Wendy] I slept great.
I took two Ambien and went
right to night-night.
This is just about there.
Is there a Starbucks in town?
Should we drive there
and then maybe stay there?
If you need a Starbucks,
I can get you one,
but it's at least an hour drive.
Since when did you start
taking sleeping pills?
How do you think
I fall asleep after sex?
Oh, so only once
every six months.
Bingo, percolation.
Holy sh*t.
[Peter] Hey, Hugh!
Morning.
Save us some coffee, okay?
We gotta shower off.
Oh, let us know
if you need any help.
-We will.
-Okay [laughs].
-[smacks]
-I'm right here.
-[Jess] Morning.
-Morning.
My tongue feels like a squirrel
got trapped in there.
Can I borrow one of your guys'
toothbrushes?
-No.
-[Greg] Sammy!
Hide me. Hide me.
-[Peter] Jess.
-Okay.
Sorry I had to come late.
That's okay,
we canceled everything.
Good, you're making
a huge mistake.
-Oh, I know.
-[laughs]
-Hey, can I have some
of this coffee?
-No, no, no!
[pot crashing]
sh*t! Oh, my God!
f*ck!
Oh, f*ck.
Oh, my God, that was
our day one coffee.
What?
You don't bring
coffee for a week
when you're only staying
for two days.
I mean, not when you're
also carrying your bed,
your food and all your clothes.
-God, camping is fun.
-I'm sorry.
Yeah, well you should be.
I'm about to k*ll all
these nice people.
-Hey, guys.
-[Peter] Sam!
Good to see you.
Peter.
Hey Nate, how are you?
I'm good, really good. Yeah.
Medical supply is really--
You've got to--
it was rhetorical.
Oh.
Hey, Jess.
Hey. Hey, Sam.
How's it going?
Good, really good.
Seriously, who's got
the freaking coffee?
-I'll get our day two coffee.
-We have coffee.
The hazelnut sh*t?
No thank you.
Tastes like toenails.
Fine, then we don't
have any coffee.
-Fine.
-[Jess] I'll be back, you guys.
I'll see you guys
in a second.
You know, Evan calls
this our goose juice.
Not now, honey.
Here you go.
[Nate chuckling]
[breathing hard]
Yeah.
[exhales]
[Jess moaning]
[Jess] Oh, Sam.
Oh, what if
they find us in here?
Oh, God.
Oh, Sam.
[Jess moaning]
-Hello? Oh!
-[Jess gasps]
Sorry, I--I thought
I heard my name.
No, I think I was just--
I was listening to some music
on my--my phone.
Sure, yeah.
That's probably what I heard.
Uh...
I'll let you get
back to the... songs.
Nice to see you.
[birds chirping]
[Jess grunting]
Mel.
[Jess grunting]
Mel.
Hey.
Mel, hey.
I wanted to--
-Are you meditating?
-Oh, my God!
-Hey, hi.
-Can we do this another
time please?
I'm really trying
to meditate every day.
No, I just need to say
something to you, okay?
[exhales]
I'm sorry if I made you feel
like I didn't want to
be a part of this.
I do.
And I really like Greg.
He's fun, and you guys are--
you're so great together.
You know?
I just--I didn't
expect him to steal you
away to Tokyo, but...
Can I please, please still
be your maid of honor?
-Of course.
-Oh.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God, of course.
Oh, my God.
-Yeah.
-I--I've just been
so stressed out,
and like, oh, my God,
I know that you like Greg...
-Yeah.
-...and I know you would
never f*ck Brian.
Nobody f*ck Brian.
-Nobody f*ck Brian.
-Right?
No, Greg and I did--we did
go through a rough patch.
It's just that we're good now.
I really wanted to
share that with you,
just like I felt weird.
Yeah, well, please share it.
I want--I want to hear
this stuff.
You know? [sighs]
You guys
have the best website.
[gasps] You went?
You didn't even leave a comment!
Of course I went.
I'm the maid of honor.
I had to hate every
photo you chose of me.
You know Sam's here.
Yeah, she--I saw her and she--
she said it was nice to see me.
-Okay. Okay, that's good.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-That's good,
everyone's moving on.
-It's good.
Yeah, it's good.
Yeah.
Yep.
So, put me to work.
What do you need?
[groans] Oh, come on.
[indistinct chatter]
[Jess groaning]
Wow, scotch before noon.
It's a bold choice, Gregory.
Honey, I am so glad
you're here.
I forgot to tell you.
I fell in love with
a 20-year-old.
Oh, easy
on the alcohol, mister.
We have a wedding tomorrow.
Get out of here, woman,
you old ball and chain.
-Oh.
-[laughs]
[Greg] Watch it, she's mine.
Forever.
-Hey, baby.
-Hey.
Ready to go?
You know what?
I think I'm just gonna chill
out here, if that's okay.
Are you stoned?
Are you a ninja?
[laughs]
What the f*ck, Vince?
How can you--
You--you don't get high.
Well...
You said you wanted to walk
around before the games.
I do.
I do.
But my friends are here, so...
can we do it tomorrow?
The wedding's tomorrow.
Right.
Well, can we do it later,
like... Thursday?
I'm gonna do that walk.
-Okay.
-All right.
-Love you.
-Mm-hm.
[knocking]
[banging]
Come on, dude.
I know you're in there.
Excuse me. That door you're
pounding on is state property.
-Can I help you?
-Yes, sorry.
I--I was here yesterday,
and no one answered so...
So you decided to completely
ignore that
and pound away
on the door again.
Sign says 12 to two, so...
[groans]
Just gonna go right here.
You probably
shouldn't be a ranger
if you don't like
rules and stuff.
Thanks for this.
I--I--
my phone is almost dead
and I need to record
a message for my best friend's
wedding so...
That's why we're--
oh, here we go.
But you know,
you probably knew that.
They probably told you
why we were coming, so...
There we go, yes.
Perfection.
It's nice having this place
all to ourselves.
Been kinda dreading it,
you know? Personal reasons.
My ex is here and we had
a pretty awful breakup and...
Hey, would you mind, um,
restarting your router?
I had a WiFi
connection yesterday.
-WiFi?
-Yeah, you probably
just need to reboot it.
Yeah, it was yesterday
I got the Iternets.
I'm not sure how
that's possible.
Only Internet we
have is that one.
Ugh. That's unfortunate.
-Well, you know,
if you have a phone line.
-We do.
-Great.
-Doesn't work.
Okay, so then how do
you get the internet?
I don't.
So no hotspot,
no ethernet connection,
even though the website
very clearly states
free WiFi at the campgrounds.
I don't check the website.
-No Internet.
-Right, yeah, you said that.
I've been out here off the grid
for almost three years now.
Wait, so how do you...
communicate?
How do you talk to people?
I'm talking to you.
I know, yeah, but I mean,
if there's an emergency,
you know?
And you can't--you can't
text or email anything.
Sorry, it's just--
it's not charging.
Is this outlet working?
-No electricity.
-What? What the f*ck?
I mean, Jesus, dude,
this is--
this is a weird
life you've chosen.
So you just sit here
in the dark
waiting for people
to come talk to you?
I mean, don't you
ever get lonely?
Don't you?
You don't know me.
I'm not f*cking lonely.
You're f*cking lonely,
you weird f*cking freak.
[Peter grunting]
-Hey.
-Would you stop running off?
I'm not good with hills.
I was just at
the ranger station
where, I mean, he's less
a ranger and more like
this freakish hermit, but
I guess that's what happens
when you cut all the funding
from national parks.
There's a ranger?
Is he cute?
Yeah, but like I said,
he's creepy.
Like Quiet Place creepy.
I'm having
weirdness with Vince.
Okay, what kind?
He's just so on top of it.
Keeping everybody hydrated.
Chatting about how we
should all come back
and camp again in the fall?
God, I can't breathe.
Okay, well, did you tell
him to take it down a notch?
Should I have to?
I don't know, I mean,
he's older than you, Peter.
He's probably just trying
to impress your friends,
show you he can keep up.
Did you just call
my boyfriend old?
He's not?
-What the f*ck, Jessica?
-No, no, no, I didn't mean--
Yes, he's older
than me, but Jesus,
you don't have to
say it like that.
That's not what I meant.
No, you--you--you said
that, you know,
you're super self-conscious
about looks and age and stuff.
-Oh, my God, stop. Stop.
-No, no, hey, wait. Hold up.
No. No, you said that--
you said that the g*y community
has always been super
harsh about that stuff.
I don't care. It's you.
Fine, I did say that,
but you're a sh*t
for bringing it up.
Hey, look,
I think he's great.
If he had any desire
to date women,
I would go out with him.
You'd go out with a vegetable
if he could blink
"you look pretty."
[players cheering, chatting]
Jess. You okay?
Yeah, never been more
relaxed and easygoing.
Okay, see you there?
Yeah, see you there.
See you there. See you there.
We should probably
check in with the sitter.
So check in.
Well, don't you wanna come?
Honey, volleyball.
[Mel] Can you please
tell them, please?
-All right, all right.
-It's such a good story.
I literally talked
a guy off a ledge.
Straight outta the movies.
So freaky. When was this?
Couple of months ago.
Good-looking guy, too.
Fit, nice calves. Probably
did a lot of cardio.
Wouldn't have thought
he was a jumper.
That's amazing, Greg.
-Yeah.
-[Vince] Hey, Sam, come on.
Excuse me,
I told Vince I would
give him a bump-set clinic.
Showoff.
Don't hate the all-state, baby!
Uh, so how do you
two know each other?
Work.
Jess is Melanie's best
friend from high school.
Hey, and college.
And after school.
Yeah, she's the pretty one.
I'm the funny one.
-Stop saying that.
-Mm.
Nice. [laughs]
So what kinda music
do you do?
I'd love to hear your stuff.
Oh, you probably have.
How old is your son?
He's six.
You heard of Boom Kapow?
Shut up.
You're in Boom Kapow?
He is Boom Kapow.
He writes all the songs.
Oh, my God. Evan loves
them, and so do I.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Oh, thank you, that's sweet.
I try. I try to write
for adults
I mean, 'cause, if you have
kids, why do you need
to suffer, right?
And most successful songs
are love songs anyway, so...
Oh, will you sing one?
-Oh, God, no.
-Yeah.
Babe, please, come on.
The one that you wrote
last weekend. Sing it.
I'd love to hear it.
I've never known a songwriter.
-Fine, all right.
-[Wendy chuckling]
It goes something like this.
I'll give you the moon
I'll give you the stars
I'd give you the world,
But it's already ours
And when I see honey
What's in store
I'll dig down deep and
I'll give much more
I'll give you a kiss
I'll give you a touch
I'll give all I have,
And I'll give too much
So close your eyes
And count to one
Ready or not,
Here I come
-[clapping]
-[Rita] Let's go!
Wow, that is,
that is a hit, my friend.
Thanks, man. It's nothing.
Wow! Oh, hey!
[laughs]
That's a hit.
[indistinct chattering]
[laughing]
Come on.
[indistinct chatter]
Little high. I got it!
Yeah, I got it!
[Greg]
Oh, you down.
-You set?
-Yeah, serve it.
[cheering]
You don't have to
say it like that.
Yeah!
Whoo!
I'll be back in an hour!
[laughing]
[cheering]
[cheering]
Sports, sports, sports.
I love athletics!
[cheering]
[Greg] Beer?
[people shouting]
-[cheering]
-[Nate laughing]
Whoo!
[cheering]
[indistinct chatter]
One, two, three!
-Cheese!
-Cheese!
When I die, bury me
in artichoke dip.
[Mel laughs]
Are you having fun?
-I am.
-Yeah?
I mean surprisingly.
You know, just,
I mean with everything.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Tomorrow, do you
wanna get ready with me?
Like in my tent?
-Or like?
-Yes.
-Really?
-Oh, my God, yes!
-Oh, God.
-Of course.
Oh, hon, you need a shower.
There are showers here?
Oh, my God.
Oh, that reminds me.
Can we...
I'll be right back.
[indistinct chatter]
-[Vince] Oh, my God.
-[Peter] Oh, my God.
He's a perfect mix
of you and Wendy.
I can't believe it.
He was a baby when I last
saw him.
Yeah, we're gonna
have a birthday party
for him this weekend.
-Oh?
-Oh, you guys should come.
That'd be awesome.
Oh, my God, we'd love to.
We'll put you on the Evite.
It's gonna be at this
trampoline gym.
-You're gonna love it.
-Oh, my God, I love it already.
-So fun.
-Yeah.
Oh, babe, let me
get you another one.
Okay, thank you.
-Fun.
-I'm excited.
Yeah.
Well, he is a catch.
-Yeah.
-Well done.
Thank you.
Why would he even invite us?
I mean, would I also
attend a funeral
of a person I barely know?
You said you want
to see his kid.
No, no, I said
I hadn't seen him.
Okay, honey,
when we have kids,
we're gonna have to
go to these parties.
Oh, stop talking about this.
Blah, blah, blah
blah, la la la la.
Peter, you're being every
unattractive about this.
I'm unattractive?
[scoffs]
You're suddenly a giddy
soccer mom committing us
to bouncy houses and squealing
toddlers on a Sunday morning.
Oh, well, I guess
I'll just blow off
reading the New York Times--
Okay, you don't read
the New York Times.
What about what I want?
Oh, my God, speaking
of shrieking toddlers.
No, I'm just
not 100 years old.
What--what did you say to me?
Sorry, I--
Vince, I'm sorry!
Look, I love you,
and this is fun, but...
I'm just not ready to act
like an old married couple.
I'm an adult, Peter,
and I'm not gonna
apologize for that.
I'm gonna--
I'm just gonna go for a hike,
and I'll--I'll be back
in time for dinner.
[door opens, closes]
[microphone feedback whining]
-[knocks]
-Knock, knock.
-Jess, what the--
-Oh, sh*t, sorry. I--
-What are you doing here?
-I didn't--do you want
me to go?
I brought you--
I brought you a beer.
No. [sighs]
Thanks.
Did you also bring
my sweatshirt?
Oh, did you--
did you want that back?
You hiding from Brian?
Oh, God.
He looooves you.
Ever since we were kids.
I get it.
So, um, how's the shower?
Is it like freaky
and outside?
No, it's actually
really refreshing.
You should try it.
I will. I will. Yeah.
I'm gonna do that.
I just, you know, got all
this maid of honor stuff,
-and it's just...
-Yeah.
-It's been so much work.
-I know.
Did you ever think when
we introduced them that...
that they would be
the ones getting married?
No.
Are we doing speeches
tonight, do you know?
Do you think we should
talk about what--
No, I think we're good.
No, because I feel like,
you know, um--
I tried calling you,
you know, after everything,
and I just--
I just want you to know
-that I was not okay
with them firing you.
-Hey, that's okay.
We were in
a consensual relationship.
It was not your fault.
Well, I'm not supposed
to f*ck my employees, so...
-It wasn't like that.
-Well, I think when you kept
sending those emails,
they took it as a bad
thing, and then it--
you know what? It's done.
It's over,
and I don't wanna rehash--
I was just trying to
get you to talk to me.
I don't want to talk to you.
I did not
want to talk to you.
Yeah, you just shut me out.
After everything we've been
through, it just--it just--
I was hurt, Jessica.
I f*cking...
I lost everything.
I left my marriage, my job.
I blew up my whole
life to be with you.
And you flinched.
And I told you that's
what was gonna happen.
I knew you had no idea what
was actually happening.
I didn't flinch.
I--I didn't.
I just--I just didn't want
you to, you know,
make all your decisions
based off of me.
Yeah.
That's another
way of putting it.
Sam, come on.
It's me.
I--
can't we just try again?
-Oh, we tried, Jess.
-I know, I know, but...
It's too late.
Please.
Sam, I will never love
anyone like I loved you.
I certainly hope not.
-What?
-Classic Jessica.
[door opens]
[indistinct chatter]
-[screams]
-[laughing]
Do you miss boobs?
Who misses boobs?
They're everywhere.
-Yeah.
-Okay.
-Cheers.
-Okay.
Mm, mm.
-[cup clatters]
-[Peter laughs]
-Oh, my God,
I love this song.
-I love this song!
-Honey. Honey. Honey.
-Oh, my God, Nate.
I'm just--
hey, it's getting kinda late.
I thought we were gonna,
you know, we need to check in.
Oh, we'll be home tomorrow.
I know that, but you know
he's six years old.
He's probably
wondering where we are.
He wonders if Batman is real.
Wendy, look,
it'll take 45 minutes.
So we have to talk
to our sitter.
So go talk to her.
You know,
I have been very relaxed.
I have made friends.
And I haven't said
anything about the smoking
or the language.
f*ck me.
I'm not okay with
this behavior, Wendy.
For the record, I'm not
comfortable with this.
Well I'm not comfortable
sticking my finger
up your a*s, but I do it.
[Peter choking]
[chuckles]
-Yes.
-Wow, I'm going home
with you tonight.
Okay!
[music continues]
Whoo! [laughs]
[ice rattling]
Thanks, Jess, you're a pal.
I don't care what anyone says.
You want a drink?
And then maybe you could
take a shower.
No, I'm good.
Come on. You look
like you could use one.
No really.
I'm not in the mood.
For a shower?
That was uncalled for.
Um...
I just talked to Sam.
Cool.
Man, we were crazy in love.
I--I didn't
imagine that, right?
-I don't think so.
-Yeah, but, you know
I flinch,
and now it's all over.
It's just...
Yeah, well,
you'll find someone, Jess.
Thanks.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
You're a good egg, Greg. Yeah.
Mel, she's lucky to have you.
Thanks, Jess.
I'm sorry if I was
ever weird with you.
I didn't--I really--
I didn't-- I did not
mean to be.
Nah, you weren't. All good.
Okay, cool.
Because I was just
worried, you know,
when Mel had her little
breakdown, you know,
it wasn't like
I didn't like you.
I had to take her
side, you know?
But you guys just
got through it.
It was so inspiring,
and that is--
that is the kind
of love I want.
I want to--I want be with
someone who doesn't leave you
the minute that you go
a little crazy, right?
Not that--no.
It's not that--
she didn't go--it wasn't
like she went crazy.
She didn't go crazy,
but just you know,
the thing with her boss
where they had
their little thing.
It was a very
confusing time.
And you were rock solid
through it, and that...
is what I mean, it's...
[sighs]
...cool. So cool.
What thing with her boss?
-Yes--
-Hey, can I talk to you-- can I
talk to you for a second?
-Can I just--please.
-Sure. Sorry.
-No, that's okay.
-Can I talk to you, please?
I need to, um, just--
I think I maybe
made a mistake.
Just promise, promise you're
not gonna be mad at me.
Tell me, what's going on?
Please don't be mad at me
because we were just getting
-back to being...
-Just tell me, what?
Tell me what's going on.
I think I maybe told Greg
about the thing
with you and your boss.
-What?
-Unless you told him,
because I thought you did.
What? Why--why would
you do that?
Well, why were you even like
talking about me?
Well, I told him that,
you know, it happened
way before you
guys were engaged,
so it wasn't even like
you actually cheated.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Stop talking.
-I just--
-Don't say anything else.
-Shh!
-I assumed that you had
already worked it all out.
Well, there was nothing
to work out, Jessica, okay?
I ended it.
Yeah, I know,
but it went on for a while,
-and you just--
you seemed really into it.
-Oh, my God!
-Don't say another word.
-And if that door is still
open, I'm--
Stop. Stop talking.
Jesus.
You know nothing
and you do not have permission
to talk about my private life
with anyone, goddammit.
Je--Jessica,
why--why do you
destroy everything?
I...
I found someone, Jess.
I found someone to spend
the rest of my life with.
I--you know, I--
Mel, I-- I said I was sorry.
You're always sorry.
Okay.
I think it's best for everyone
if you just leave.
Like tonight, right now.
What's wrong with you?
[footsteps departing]
-[Hugh] Did I follow you,
or you follow me?
-[Wendy laughs]
-[Wendy] I don't know.
I don't know what to do.
-I think you follow me.
[both laughing]
[breathing heavily]
Hey, Jess.
Um, Vince
hasn't come back and
the guys think we
should go look for him.
Wow.
Well, I--I wouldn't worry.
I mean, he's--he's a--a Navy
SEAL or something, right?
Are you leaving?
You can't leave.
Peter, I have--
I have to leave.
Hey, Vince could be trapped,
cutting off his own arm
out there or something.
I don't know.
You have to stay.
Peter.
Jess, I never ask
for anything. Please.
[Peter scoffs]
Yeah. Yeah.
[both breathing heavily]
[people shouting]
What was that?
I can't do this.
I can't.
[people shouting]
Why is it so f*cking dark?
Wait, my phone.
Where's my phone?
Wait.
Where's my f*cking phone?
God!
[bags zipping]
-[Rita] Vince!
-[Peter] Vince, can you
hear us?
[crickets chirping]
Crazy night, huh?
[chuckles]
Hey.
Are you gonna go
look for Vince?
Hugh and Rita
told me to stay.
No sense in all of us
getting stuck.
We have a big day tomorrow.
No.
I wanted to get married
in Hawaii, remember?
I kept a secret from you.
I did.
And at first it was
because I was scared.
But then--but then it was
because we don't talk.
We don't talk about
whether we want kids
or even like how we'd
feel if somebody died.
Nothing physical
happened with Mark.
I want you to know that.
I didn't--
I didn't cheat on you.
[Mel sniffling]
It was just,
he confided in me.
I felt needed.
You don't need me, Greg.
And you can't be mad at me
for not telling you,
because you work so much
that I don't even know you.
I don't even know
who you are.
And now I'm gonna be
stuck on the other side
of the planet with no one
to talk to but you
and you don't talk.
[sighs]
I don't even like Hawaii.
[footsteps fading]
[moaning]
-[knocks]
-[Jess gasping]
Is there a party gone
from your campsite?
What?
No, don't.
Are you missing someone?
Yes. I think, yes.
Got a coat?
-[Jess] Vince!
-[ranger] Vince!
Hey, look, I'm not
actually with the party.
I was--
I was just leaving.
I need you to ID him
in case we find him.
He's fine. I think he just
fought with his boyfriend.
Okay. Is that what they
taught you at ranger school?
Seriously, dude, I'm--
you can't just drag
me into the woods.
Like, I'm little
to no help to you.
And how do I know
you're not dangerous?
You know, I think
all this alone time
has made you
kind of a nutjob.
Masturbating in your car.
[owl hooting]
[sighs]
I'm on a vision quest.
Okay. But I'm the weirdo.
A vision quest is a sacred
Native American ritual...
by which an individual can
summon a guardian spirit,
usually in the form
of an animal
to obtain guidance
or protection.
Vince!
-Vince!
-Vince!
While you were out
humping your Prius,
I've been immersing
myself in the requisite
period of sensory deprivation.
That's why no phone,
no Internet, lack of human
contact.
That is the way
to become capable
of calling in said
guardian spirit.
The guardian spirit then
helps with direction
in life for him or her,
and then ushers the person
back to the tribe,
infused with this
supernatural spiritual wisdom.
Trust me, I've done
it before. It works.
Okay.
So how long does it take?
I've been out
here three years.
-[gasps]
-Since my wife passed.
Oh.
Have you ever gotten
an animal to, you know...
-Psst.
-[wings flapping]
[Jess]
f*ck you, that's an owl.
-Yeah.
-What?
It's so crazy.
-Poor Peter.
-Yeah.
Oh.
Whoa, oh, okay.
I mean, are you--
are you sure about this?
It's pretty cold.
Mm-hm.
Oh, okay, you're sure.
Oh, God. Oh, honey,
that feels so good.
Um, do you wanna maybe
grab the--the baby wipes?
Just--just in case.
Do you wanna grab
the baby wipes?
Oh, God.
Hey, whoa, hey what?
What's wrong?
You know I love you, right?
You're--you're scaring me,
sweetheart. What's going on?
I, um...
I made out with Hugh.
It was nothing serious.
It was just first base.
It might have been third base.
What's third base again?
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
That is--
that is so...
stupid.
Wait, where are you going?
I'm gonna go find
a place to sleep.
That's what I'm doing.
Oh, God, Nate,
please don't.
Well, how about please
don't shove your tongue
down Hugh's throat?
How about that?
I'm assuming you did.
We kissed, yes.
Well, did you--
did you touch his--
did you--
did you touch his--
did you-- did you touch--
I think I know
what you're asking,
but I don't even--
-Did you touch his--
-I don't really know!
Did you touch his--
goddammit, Wendy!
No, technically no!
I'm--I'm so stupid.
Nate, I've been so stupid
all weekend.
I'm so sorry. I just--
ever since Evan came
around, you know,
we're like--
we're not the same.
I'm not the same!
I'm cranky. I'm tired.
I have no sex drive.
I feel like I'm screwing
up every single second.
And I just--
I'm not the same person
that I used to be, you know?
And I want her back.
I really miss her, Nate,
and I want her back.
-Well, I don't.
-Yes, of course, you do.
Goddammit, Wendy, would you
give me some credit?
I don't want the girl
that I chased in college.
I want my wife.
I know.
My beautiful,
dumb as*h*le wife
who just went and made out
with her old college boyfriend.
Nate, please don't go.
-[crying]
-[door slams]
[tent zipping]
[buzzing]
[Jess sighs]
[Jess] You know,
I've always felt like
I had a real affinity
for cats.
-Mm-hm. Small steps.
-Like I could talk to them.
Yeah, but, you know, if
my parents hadn't split,
maybe I woulda stayed
with it, but...
I don't know, I guess I
just found people to date.
And I guess I was
always more interested
in what they were thinking.
Mm-hm.
You know just to be clear,
if we find him
you're on your own.
I can't go back
to the campsite.
How come?
Uh, because I'm pretty
sure I've been uninvited.
I'm currently accused of
not being a good friend,
not being "supportive."
Okay, but what
about her, you know?
Okay, sure, I open my big mouth,
but I f*ck up one time
and she cuts the cord?
Like how is that friendship?
You know?
I mean, I could think
of so many times
where I thought
she was mad at me.
Like, I've gone through hoops
so many times for her,
and has she ever repaid
the favor, like ever?
Like I just think, when am I
gonna get a break, you know?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you--did you see that?
Rabbit medicine.
So could that maybe
be my spirit animal?
-Could be.
-Really?
Oh, my God. I--sorry.
I'm just--that--
I just feel so lucky.
That's like the nicest thing
that's happened to me
in months, you know?
'Cause rabbits are so cute
and friendly and smart.
Rabbit is a sign that
transformation is needed.
Well, everyone
needs transformation.
Rabbits have survived
throughout centuries,
but they're also known
as nature's biggest victims.
Now that--
that doesn't sound right.
-They're always on the run.
They have a back door.
-Maybe--maybe it just means--
Do you always feel like people
are judging you harshly?
Or maybe that you're
backed into a corner
and you need to lash out?
You know what?
It's just a f*cking
bunny, okay?
It's a coincidence,
and I don't accept it.
Okay, so whatever
you have to do to--
-Okay.
-[sighs]
You need to stop
being a victim.
Own your life.
No.
[crickets chirping]
No, no, no, hey, no.
I reject your
rabbit wisdom, okay?
Which is a paradox,
by the way.
Those little f*ck run
right into traffic, so no.
Thank you, I want
a horse or a hawk.
-The quest has spoken.
-No, come on, no.
f*ck off, man!
I'm not even
a quest person, okay?
So maybe you need
to go see a movie.
You know, or watch
a little TV and see how
real people behave so you
can stop staring at trees
and think they're
talking to you,
you weird, peyote-smoking
m*therf*cker.
-Peyote is ingested.
-[sighs] Oh, my God.
[cheering in distance]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Thank God.
Maybe they found him.
Thank God.
My--my friend Peter,
he's in love
for the first time and...
I don't think I've ever
been there for him.
Hey.
Hello!
Ranger Dan, I...
Dude, come--I don't know
my way back!
Dude! Come on, hello!
[birds chirping]
Maybe if you hadn't stayed
with Dad for 18 years too long,
you wouldn't have
made us all miserable.
How was I ever
supposed to be happy?
You know, when was I given
a f*cking chance?
f*cking Grandma and her
f*cking depression.
And f*cking Aunt Chloe
and her dickhead husbands
and her f*cking daughter
who drinks too much.
That's right.
And I'm supposed to rise
like a phoenix of happiness
from the swamps I born into?
Holy sh*t.
f*ck.
No, no, no, no.
No, goddammit, no.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Here I am.
I got him. I got him.
Okay, give me your arm.
[indistinct chatter]
There we go. I'll get the leg.
I got the leg.
I got the leg.
Oh, my arm. I feel like
my hand fell asleep.
-Go get some blankets.
-I'm so sorry.
I stayed out too late
and it got dark.
No, no, it's okay.
No, no. I know better.
-So stupid.
-No, no, I know better, okay?
Just don't ever listen
to me talk again.
Just pretend you hear
blah, blah, blah, blah.
Pretend?
[indistinct chatter]
-[Wendy laughing] Hi.
-[indistinct]
You're so relaxed, man.
You really should
go to a hospital.
No, no doctors. I'm fine.
[sighs] You're so macho.
I love that.
Hey, I just wanna go over
a couple things with you.
Since Jessica isn't here,
we might wanna cut the song.
I can't do this.
'Kay.
[birds chirping]
Hey, bud, not a big deal
but Mel wants to talk
to you for a second.
I don't know.
All right.
Hey.
What should we do?
Should we listen?
We should not.
I don't think I can
go through with this.
Okay.
Jess was right. We don't
have anything in common.
I'm always working on myself,
and I'm soul-searching,
and you're just like, fine.
-You're just like, all good.
-Okay, wait, wait.
Jessica said that?
Last night, I said
something so personal.
Something that we
need to discuss,
and you haven't said
two words to me.
Do you still wanna do this?
Yeah, sure.
Oh, my God.
We don't share one
heart and one mind.
Everything okay?
What should I do?
Do I need to tell people
we're running late or...
Just, give them a minute.
[Jess] Wait! Wait!
Don't start without me!
Oh, no.
Hey, hi.
A-ha!
Peter, you have no idea
what I've been through.
-Jess, you need to just--
-Peter, I know she's mad.
I know everyone's mad,
but I figured it out.
The rabbit led me
to the wedding.
-The g*dd*mn bunny
figured it out!
-Jess?
I am not a victim!
I'm a f*ck-up,
but I am not a victim.
There's a difference.
Sam, I'm not gonna
masturbate to you anymore.
-[all gasps]
-I know you're not available,
but even if you were,
we broke up for a reason, right?
Because something
wasn't right.
And why am I trying
to make it right?
Because the sex was amazing
and oh, my God, Wendy,
the sex, I may never
have sex that good again.
But that doesn't mean, you know,
that we're meant to be.
Not everything is meant to be.
Actually, most of it isn't.
And, Wendy, oh, my God, oh.
God, I've always been so annoyed
by how bossy you are.
But oh, God, I'm so jealous
of what you and Nate have.
Like, like the Earth
would implode
before the two of you
would ever break up.
Jess, why don't we talk
over here, okay?
And I'm not just jealous of you,
okay, I am jealous of everyone.
I'm even jealous of Mel.
Oh, my God, Mel.
-Jess, do not go in there!
-Mel! Mel!
-Jessica!
-Mel!
Hi, h*, and Greg.
Oh, my God.
I feel like I won the lottery.
Greg, I'm sorry
I don't like you.
I want to, and I promise
I'm gonna do better.
But I'm limited,
and that's okay,
because I don't have
to marry you, she does.
And, Mel, honey,
I f*cked up.
So much.
But I'm your best friend
and I'm not gonna leave
just because we had a fight
or we couldn't get on
the same page for a minute.
Like why is a fight
bigger than knowing
how you lost your
virginity or how
you stole from
your bartending job
-or knowing
that you think your face...
-Jess.
...looks pretty when you cry?
And it does. You look
so pretty when you cry.
I think you should
give us a sec, okay?
I was just so scared
of losing you, you know?
That I made some big,
big mistakes,
but--but I am the third harmony
in the song at your wedding
and I love you.
And I want you to be happy.
Even your hedge fund husband,
I want him to be happy.
Jess, you need to leave.
Now.
[Jess sighs]
I'm sorry.
Hey.
I think Vince is great.
I don't know if I said that.
Yeah.
Are you gonna stay or?
-Stay.
-No.
Jess, I'm sure everything
will settle down.
It's okay. Really.
I'm okay.
I am. Just...
take video for me, okay?
-Okay.
-Okay.
I love you guys.
I love you.
Have fun, okay?
[birds chirping]
You know, we don't
have to make a big deal.
Let's just like say goodbye
and we'll just get
it over with, okay?
Babe, babe, listen.
Come here.
You're right.
I don't work on myself.
I guess I don't think
I need to.
Life seems
pretty simple to me.
You know?
And I'm not soul-searching
or anything because I--
I guess I feel
like I found it.
I like kissing you.
I like sleeping with you,
a lot. [chuckles]
I like watching you eat.
I'll bring you
coffee every morning.
But I am never ever gonna
want to talk about my feelings.
I mean, I'll listen,
I'll try, I'll get better.
I know, I work a lot. I do.
To make money.
All right, and I'm not
gonna apologize for that.
Okay, you can pray over your
crystals and your candles...
but it's my magic
that makes money
appear in our bank accounts,
by the truckloads.
Money that pays for this
wedding, for our families.
So much money that you
don't ever have to work
another day in your life
again if you don't want to.
But sh*t, Mel, I mean if--
if you want someone that's
another version of you...
that's not me.
But if you want someone
who's gonna be here,
who's happy
to be here, then...
I'm all in.
I just want you
to be happy with me.
I don't give a sh*t about
any of that other stuff.
For the record, of course
I'd have a baby with you.
What are you, fricking nuts?
[Mel chuckling]
What are you guys celebrating?
-Brian, God!
-What? What?
[birds chirping]
[knocks]
Hello?
Ranger Dan,
I know you're in there.
Your truck's outside.
Can I help you?
Station's closed.
No, I--
I know that, I'm just--
I'm here to see
the other ranger.
He, uh--he lives here.
If you need shower tokens,
a vending machine is out there.
No, I, um...
Thanks, I--I--
I think I'm good.
Oh. [sniffles]
[Peter]
Where you walk
I will follow
Where you live
I will abide
And what you seek,
I will allow for
What you need,
I will provide
I will shelter
You from sorrow
I will offer up my pride
And we can travel through
This world together
Till we reach
The other side
Did I tell you
What I dreamed of?
Hello, friends,
I'm pleased that we are
gathered here today.
How did you know
To be true?
[Peter]
Surrounded by new
friends and old
to join Melanie
and Gregory together.
[Peter continues indistinct]
I belong with you
I belong with you
I belong with you
And it is inconceivable
that you should ever part.
Wait.
Wait.
[sighs]
[groans]
[inhales]
[exhales]
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
-Hey.
-[Cliff] Hey, you.
Hi, Cliff.
Oh, my God,
I'm so happy you called.
Oh, hey, yeah.
I'm here. Are you okay?
Yeah, I am.
I really am.
I'm sorry, Cliff, but we
can't see each other anymore.
Oh. What?
Yeah, no,
you're really great,
and you deserve
someone really special.
Someone who treasures you.
So do I.
I actually believe that.
Jess, don't do
anything hasty.
Maybe we can grab a cup
of coffee when you get back.
No, we can't.
Goodbye, Cliff.
[sighs]
[horn honking]
-[Brian] Hey, Jess!
-What are--
Yeah?
Yeah.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Are you okay?
-I am. What are you doing?
Mel sent me to come find you.
She wants you to come back.
Will you come?
She's bummed you're not there.
-She is?
-Yeah.
-We all missed you.
-No.
-What? I was just--
-Hard no, Bri.
At least let me
drive you back, huh?
I'm--I'm good. Thanks.
[sighs]
[Jess chuckling]
[engine revving]
[engine revs]
[sighs]
-[Jess] Any advice?
-Advice for the couple.
Uh, game over, man.
Jess, no one asked
you to do this.
-[Jess] Um, actually, somebody
did ask me to do it.
-No, they--
Mel specifically asked me.
-Mel doesn't want this.
-She does want it.
-Okay, are we gonna do
this right now? Just--
-Oh, my God.
-Congratulations,
Mel and Greg.
-Yes.
-So excited.
-We're so happy for you.
This was a beautiful wedding.
Can't believe you pulled it off.
I really didn't think you would.
But it's awesome.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Congratulations, guys. Yeah.
-Congratulations.
-We are--the best--
-The best wedding.
-The absolute best wedding.
-We're so excited for you guys.
Very excited to be here.
Had a wonderful time.
-We have had a wonderful time.
-Well, we had a good time.
-Well...
-And I hope you can
make our wedding.
Same place,
same time next year.
We'll talk about that.
[Jess] Any advice?
Any words of encouragement?
Greg, Mel, we love you.
-And we decided
to renew our vows.
-Yeah, we did.
-It's gonna be really special.
-It's gonna be awesome.
So, yeah, we're gonna have
like trampoline gym two.
-No, well--I didn't--
-We're gonna go back there.
-No, I didn't say anything
about trampoline gym.
-Probably a cake.
-Well, do you wanna...
-We're waiting for you in Paris,
so as soon as you guys are
done with your honeymoon,
you're gonna head
straight to Paris.
[Rita speaking Spanish]
Springsteen.
Ah, Springsteen.
Okay, rain check, guys.
Whenever we figure
out a schedule,
we're gonna call
you immediately.
-But we love you a lot.
-We love you, yes.
-I mean, can we have--
-I mean, I have-- I have
some different ideas.
Okay, but I mean like--
but we're definitely gonna have
Evan be the-- be the best man.
Yes.
And the maid of honor.
-Babe, come on, yeah.
-[woman] Are you sure?
[Jess] Oh, God.
Okay, come on in.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-We just wanna say--
-Yeah, I'm really--
I'm so happy for you guys.
And this is the best wedding
I've ever been to.
And I'm not just saying that.
I promise to take
care of Poopsy,
'cause I know Brian
is not always the best.
I figured out the other day.
She can go like eight
hours in the car.
Even in the sun, man.
She's such a trouper.
And, Mel, I cannot
wait to take you
on a trip
after your honeymoon.
You know, one that you
actually would wanna go on.
Sorry, Greg.
Oh, it's gonna be sick.
We got this--
this--this two-story like
suite on the top of the hotel.
I'm renting a catamaran
that we're gonna take
all the way around, like a
two-day kinda catamaran tour
like around a couple
different islands.
And then we've got
this personal chef
that's gonna come in and I'm
flying him in from Milan.
And this guy, man, I--
honey, you've never had
pizza like this.
Like, mm.
It's gonna be great.
We're going to Maui.
We planned it a while ago.
[music fades]
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Jess Plus None (2023)
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