01x03 - Theoretical Herpes

[bunniefuu]

[gasps] What's all this?

Oh, I'm just trying
to earn my keep.

Think you already did that.

[Nick] Oh. Come here, beautiful.

Let's go.

Oh. Hang on, Tor.
I made you a plate.

Don't call me Tor, Nicky.

- Hey.
- My bad.

[Mel] Tori.

But look, you're an athlete. You need
to up your protein to build more muscle.

...8 grams per pound.

This right here is the
breakfast of champions.

That's not breakfast.

It's a metaphor.

[chattering]

[Barney] Phil, I understand
the overages, okay.

But how the f*ck is landscaping
costing me another 60 grand?

[Phil] Your wife asked us to
level the back and add some trees.

- It'll give you lots of shade.
- Grace.

- Grace!
- Kind of busy here, babe.

Can we cancel the trees?

- [worker] Hey, Phil!
- Truck's already here.

- Truck's already here.
- [worker] Phil.

- Yeah?
- [worker] They need you on the rig.

Hey, you know there's a ton
of trees out there, right?

Yeah, they'll give
us a lot of shade.

Hey. Hey, hey.
About these trees...

Yeah, we need the shade.

- But do we?
- Sorry, we're running late.

- Okay. Have a great day.
- Bye. I... Bye, girls. Bye.

- Come on. Let's go.
- Bye. Bye.

- Hey, Coop.
- Hey. Bye.

[laughs]

You walk or drive?

I walked. You told me to walk.

[Barney] Right.
We're taking my car.

Come on.

Okay.

Jesus, Barney. Is
that the Spectre?

- [beeping]
- [Barney] Special edition. All electric.

Grace bought it for
me a few weeks ago.

A birthday gift.

- Well, that was nice of her.
- [Barney] Oh, no, no, no.

It's brinksmanship.

See, I can't come down
on her about her spending

if I'm driving a f*cking Rolls.

Oh, come on. You love it.

[inhales sharply] It
is a hell of a car.

It is so choice.

I'm driving.

Sure.

[mouthing words] What the f*ck?

- [buzzing]
- [screaming]

[grunts]

[theme song playing]

[Coop] So where are
we going anyway?

[Barney] We are going
to see a lawyer.

Barney, I can't sue Bailey Russell.
They'll squash me like a bug.

I... I'm sorry. I should
have been more clear.

We are going to
see Rick Massiello.

You got an appointment with Massey?
How'd you get an appointment with Massey?

[Barney] It doesn't matter.

Point is, as soon as Bailey
hears his name, they'll settle.

The last thing Jack wants

is Massey putting on a big show
and rattling his investors.

He will be expensive.

- [sighs]
- Well, he'll do it on contingency.

- He told you that?
- Not as such, but you'll convince him.

- [Coop] He's gonna take half.
- [Barney] Probably.

But that other half is a
lot more than you have now.

You have bills to pay, my
friend. Starting with mine.

- [phone ringing]
- [electronic voice] Nick Brandes.

Nick! Hey.

[Nick] What's good, Barney?

Just checking in on
that "refi" for the gym.

Dobbs is saying we can
fund the next two locations

without liquidating any
of my market positions.

Yeah. Hey, sorry, Nick.

I'm in the car with Coop.

- I'm on speaker?
- Yeah.

Uh, hey. What's up, Coop?

You guys know the women have
that self-defense thing tonight?

- Is that tonight?
- That's what I'm told.

We're all bachelors
tonight, fellas.

So I'm gonna get some meat and booze
and have everyone over to hang.

- You guys in?
- Sounds good.

Yes, sir. What about you, Coop?

Hard pass, Nick.

Yeah. Well, uh, the invitation
stands if you change your mind.

[Coop] Yeah, I
won't. But thanks.

Well, I'm gonna hang up
before this gets awkward.

- See you tonight, Nick.
- All right, Barney.

Uh, hit me back
about the "refi."

[Barney sighs]

- [Coop chuckles]
- What?

What happened to team Coop?

You told me there are no teams.

But if there were,
obviously I'm on yours.

- f*ck Nick.
- But you'll go over to his house.

The man throws a good party.

You should go.

You shouldn't.

Well, as of a few days ago
Nick is my biggest client,

- so my hands are tied.
- [chuckles]

Wow.

Shame if something
happened to this car.

[Barney] Do not even
joke about that.

[Massey] You can't win.

I just gotta say that up front.

You're a smart guy, Coop. You know you
can't go the distance with these guys.

Well, thanks for your time.

[Massey] Good news is
you don't have to win.

You just gotta get
past summary judgment

at which point Bailey
will start making offers.

Then it becomes a negotiation.

And I'm a great
f*cking negotiator.

Will you do it on contingency?

No.

I gotta charge you full
freight on this one, pal.

Retainer's 200K. This-This
could take a while.

What's a while? Three
months? Six months?

Hmm. Two, three years.

- Jesus.
- [Massey] Yeah. Southern District.

It is what it is.

[sighs] Sure you got the
money for this fight?

He does.

All right. Look, I, uh...
I gotta get back to court.

Enjoy your coffee. On me, huh?

So you're taking the case?

Uh, well, I'm
gonna mull it over.

Check the schedule.

I'll be in touch, okay?

- Two to three years?
- He's managing expectations.

I can't afford him.

Look, pay the retainer and just
watch the dominoes start to fall.

You are being
uncharacteristically optimistic.

You've seen what's
happening at my house.

Optimism is the only option.

[groans] Come on.

Let's go get some real coffee.

- You're buying.
- [Barney chuckles]

You got carpet moths.

- Carpet moths?
- Yeah.

They lay their
eggs in your rugs.

I found larvae in pretty
much every room here.

Jesus.

It's a good thing you
called me when you did

otherwise you'd
have colonies here.

- Can you get rid of them?
- Yeah.

It'll take a few treatments,
maybe three over the next month.

It'll cost you $9,000.

- $9000?
- Yeah.

Ten-five if you wanna go
with the nontoxic chemicals.

And I'll have to take that wall
in the back of your closet down.

And that one, at a minimum.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

Look, they're in there
and they're spreading.

First generation, best I can tell,
but if you don't get rid of them now,

you're gonna have colonies
behind every wall in here.

And you'll never
get rid of them.

When can you start?

I can have a crew here
in a couple of days.

[Coop groans]

- Thanks for the ride, Barney.
- [Barney] My pleasure.

Hey!

Coop.

Come to Nick's tonight.

Come on. You could stand
to have a little fun.

It's been over a year. Maybe
it's time to let this one go.

He slept with my wife.

That's true, but it's-it's a
little reductive, isn't it?

Look, I'm not saying
Nick didn't f*ck up.

He f*cked up. She f*cked up.

But maybe... maybe you
f*cked up too, right?

A little bit?

Marriages are complicated.

So you're saying it's my fault?

I'm saying it doesn't
matter whose fault it is.

We're all gonna be here
for the foreseeable future.

Do yourself a favor
and get over it.

Would you?

I would pretend to.

Well, I got my
kids tonight, so...

Okay. Fair enough.

I'll see you later, Barney.

[Barney] See you, Coop.

[Ali] Oh, my God.
She's so sweet.

[Lu] Esti? She's a little demon.

[Ali chuckles] She
looks like an angel.

[Lu chuckles] That's
how she gets you.

She's an evil genius. [laughs]

[Ali] Oh! Hey, Andy.
Uh, your friend is here.

Hello, Coop.

What are you doing here?

I was in the neighborhood.

- In this neighborhood?
- Figured I'd stop by.

See if you still
wanted to do business.

[Coop] Hmm.

[Ali chuckles]

Well, I am going to hit the shower
and leave you to your business.

It was so nice to meet you, Lu.

You too, Ali.

- [Ali chuckles]
- Break a leg tonight.

Thank you. [chuckles]

Nice girl, your sister.

What are you doing in my house?

I came for the watch.

Thought you said you
couldn't move it.

[Lu] I had to be sure
you weren't a cop.

So I looked into you.

You looked into me?

Rich guy loses his big job
with his big hedge fund.

Suddenly has big
liquidity problems.

You could have sold your Maserati,
but what would the neighbors think

if Andrew Cooper was
suddenly driving a C-Class?

So, the Princeton finance
superstar turns to petty crime.

[chuckles] You have no idea
what you're talking about.

The Richard Mille watch.

It isn't yours, but it came
from this neighborhood.

Bradley Sperling.

Couple of streets
over from here.

It took me one phone call to trace
the serial number on the watch,

find out who bought it
and where they live.

Nothing so dangerous as someone who
doesn't know what they don't know.

Am I right?

But what you do know is
I know where you live.

I know where your family lives.

Are you threatening me?

Don't think of it as a threat.

It's more of a contract really,

that says if you get caught you
won't talk about your new friend, Lu.

And if you do, there
will be penalties.

Honor among thieves.

I'm not a thief.

I don't know what you are yet.

I think maybe you don't either.

Now why don't you
go get that watch?

[inhales deeply, sighs]

[line ringing]

- [chattering]
- [phone buzzing]

I can't talk to you.

[Coop] Why do you keep
sending me to voicemail?

It's more polite than
hanging up on you.

- [Coop] Is it?
- Which I'm gonna do now.

Jack's gonna ask you to
come to his office tomorrow.

He's gonna tell
you I hired Massey.

[Liv] sh*t, Coop.

Jack f*cked me, Liv.
You know he did.

Massey will drag me into it.

[inhales deeply] My name
will be in the papers.

I'm not gonna let that happen,
but you will be deposed.

I'll be the wh*re in the story.

- Jack's gonna tell you to lie.
- And you're telling me not to.

I'm asking you to
do what's right.

He took everything from me, Liv.

And now you're
gonna do that to me.

[Coop] This isn't about you.

Yeah, the hell it isn't.

I'm hanging up now.

[Coop] Liv. Ple...

- God. f*ck.
- [footsteps approaching]

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Dad.

- [Hunter] Hey, Dad.
- How was school?

Uh, same old, same old.

- [Hunter] Smells good.
- Yeah, I'm making pasta.

[Tori] Oh! Um, I'm
going out with Jake.

I thought I texted you.

No, you...

Oh. You did. Okay.

[Tori] I-I just came
to drop my stuff off.

Oh, uh, she's taking me to Scott's so
we can squeeze in a quick sound check.

Who's Scott?

McGregor.

We're playing at a
party later tonight.

You don't remember?

Okay. [stammers]
Right. So no dinner?

- [Tori] All right. Okay, let's go.
- [Hunter] I can eat leftovers later.

[stammers] Hold...
Whoa. Hold on.

When are you guys
planning on coming home?

By 11:00 or 12:00.

Yeah, same.

You know you both
have school tomorrow?

[sighs] Th-That's true.

We do. Yeah, he's right.

Solid parenting, Dad.

[chuckles] Come on.

[screaming]

[footsteps approaching]

Jesus.

Hey.

I didn't know you
were still here.

What are you doing?
Sit down. Have a drink.

Watch, uh, Belgium's finest.

Can't. I got a gig.

[Coop] Again?

Don't act so surprised.

Well, I'll, um, get cleaned up.

I'll come listen.

Mm-mmm. You'll just k*ll the
vibe and make me nervous.

Okay.

Where are the kids?

Oh, blowing me off.

[Ali sighs] I'm sorry, Andy.

- I wish I could stay, but...
- [Coop] Hey, I'm fine.

Please. [chuckles]
Do your thing.

[stammers] I hate to
leave you like this.

Like what?

I've got pasta, scotch,
Jean-Claude Van Damme.

[sighs] It's very exciting.

Okay. Well, I'll see you later.

- Bye!
- Bye.

- [scoffs]
- Bye.

[Ali chuckles] Bye.

- Break a leg.
- Thank you.

- You look very nice.
- Thank you very much.

[sighs]

[phone ringing]

- Hey.
- [Coop] Hey.

House is empty. You
wanna come over?

[Samantha] I can't. I've
got that self-defense thing.

Jesus. You too?

A woman's gotta know
how to fight back.

Against who exactly?

[Samantha] No idea,

- but I'll be ready when they come.
- [Mel] Sam, wait up.

Um, hey, I gotta go.

- Uh, call me later?
- Yeah.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[exhales deeply]

Everyone I knew was out that night
and lately it seemed that loneliness

was all it took to turn a
bad idea into a good one.

f*ck it.

[chattering]

- Hey.
- [student 1] So you saw it, right?

- Did you go?
- [student 2] Yeah, I did.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Hey, girls.
- Hey.

- Great turnout.
- Thank you. Who knew?

- [chuckles]
- [Grace] Oh. I think they like the excuse

to come in and steal
your decorating ideas.

[Mel] Place looks
great, by the way.

Really? I was thinking
about doing a refresh.

Oh, whatever.

Um, those are pot brownies.
I'd wait till later.

Are they gluten-free?

- Obviously.
- Well, okay then.

- [Maggie chuckles]
- [instructor whistles]

- [students gasp]
- [instructor] Okay, ladies!

Who wants to get r*ped?

That is the right answer.

So put down your canapés
and let's get serious.

[Coop] All the wives were at Maggie
and Suzanne's for drunken kung fu,

and the husbands were all
getting loaded at Nick's,

which meant I had my
choice of empty houses.

Back when Mel and
I were married,

we never said no to a dinner
invitation from the Resnicks.

Dom was a professional chef and
the meals were always first-rate.

[alarm disabling]

- [door opens]
- [security voice] Front door open.

[Kat moaning]

[security voice] Secure.

[Coop] Kat Resnick was one of the most
sought-after criminal defense attorneys

in Manhattan.

At two grand an hour, she was supposed
to be a real shark in the courtroom.

[both moaning]

She was also supposed to
be out for the evening.

And that...

that was not Dom.

[Kat sighing, moaning]

[both sighing, panting]

[Kat panting]

[chuckles]

[Kat, lover moaning]

[moaning continues]

[both laugh]

[Kat moaning]

[panting]

[Coop] The kid was Blake Farkas,

a year ahead of Tori and,
from what I could recall,

dating Kat's daughter, Alyssa.

[Kat, Blake panting, moaning]

- [laughs]
- [Blake moans]

[Kat, Blake moaning]

[Coop] Domaine D'Auvenay
Chevalier-Montrachet Grand Cru.

2013 vintage.

[Coop] The brainchild of Lalou
Bize-Leroy, aka the Queen of Burgundy.

A pioneer in
biodynamic winemaking,

she was known to treat
her vines in Saint-Roman

as living beings with
their own personalities.

This was the exact sort
of curated horseshit

that pretentious
oenophiles love,

and let's face it, are there
any unpretentious oenophiles?

Which is why they're more than happy
to fork out 32 grand a bottle for it.

At that price point, maybe
tonight wasn't a total loss.

As long as I could
find a way out of here.

[Blake, Kat moaning]

[Blake grunting]

- [grunting continues]
- [Kat moaning]

[Coop panting]

[grunts]

[grunts, panting]

[phone buzzes]

[buzzing continues]

- [buzzing continues]
- Oh, my God. [panting]

- [Barney] Coop.
- [grunts]

- [panting] Yes.
- [Barney] Coop, where the hell are you?

Out.

Everyone's at Nick's.

You gotta come over.

[Coop] We talked
about this. [panting]

Yeah, but that was
when I was sober.

Like, just-just... Come
on. What are you gonna do?

You're gonna go home and throw yourself
another pity party in your empty house?

I'm depressed just
thinking about it.

Look, just come
over for me, okay?

Come over. Come...

Oh! Oh!

Oh! [chuckles,
speaks indistinctly]

There is no way in hell
I am coming over there.

- [housekeeper] Mr. Cooper.
- Elena.

Surprised to see me?

Yes.

Uh, sorry. I mean...
[chuckles] ...no.

I-I-I didn't know
you were coming.

They're downstairs.

[Coop] Great. Thanks.

[guests laughing]

[door closes]

["In My Dreams" playing]

[dealer] Twenty-two.

Get one of these now.

Because once this baby hits
the market, it'll be too late.

I sh*t you not.

[friends clamoring, laughing]

[laughs] I'm telling you,
this is tomorrow's toilet.

It's eco-friendly, will
take your temperature,

check your levels and clean your
a*s and ba*ls every time you go.

- Yeah, you too, Jules.
- [all laugh]

[Nick] It's got Bluetooth and
Wi-Fi, so you can play your music.

And it can e-mail urine test
results right to your doctor.

So the government can spy
on your piss and sh*t.

[stammers] I got
nothing to hide.

Okay, fine. I do.

I-I-I partnered with Luxos MT.

These are going
retail for 30 grand

and I'm in for 20%
without spending a dime.

I'm telling you, man, this...
[inhales sharply] Ooh.

This is gonna be my
George Foreman grill.

For that price, it'd
better cook your meat.

- [all laugh]
- And give you head.

Oh, Kat's not
doing that for you?

- Hey. Hey.
- [Coop] Oh, my God.

Look at this group of
degenerate, gambling idiots.

- Wow.
- [Barney] Hey.

- Hey, Coop.
- Coop!

- What's up, man?
- [laughs] You made it.

Wow. It means a lot
that you're here.

- Really.
- Let's not make a big deal about it.

Yeah. No, no.

[inhales deeply]

Wow. Grand Cru.

- That's a nice bottle.
- [Coop] It's all right.

I'll open it up at the
bar to let it breathe.

- All right.
- Yeah.

Glad you came.

- Captain Kirk's toilet?
- [laughs]

This is a nice development.

It's about time you listened
to me and let this sh*t go.

I'm not letting anything go.

That f*cking guy took my wife. I'm
not letting him take my friends too.

- That's the spirit.
- Jesus.

How drunk are you?

[laughs] Well, let's see.

I am seven figures over
budget on our renovation,

my in-laws are moving to
the US to be closer to us,

and my largest, most profitable client
threw a hand grenade into his career

and won't pay his bills.

So, pretty f*cking drunk.

[laughs] Question
is, why are you not?

You make a good point.

[sniffs]

The f*ck is this?

[instructor] Your
life is in danger.

- [student] Right.
- Right?

- [students] Yes.
- Right.

So... [grunts]

Oh!

- Break! You strike the throat.
- Okay.

- It's a one, two. You got it?
- [students] Yep.

- Yes. Mm-hmm.
- You, up here.

- Me?
- [instructor] Yeah, come on.

[students laugh,
clamoring] Mel! Mel!

[student] You got it.

[laughing]

[instructor] Do it!
Come on. Choke her.

[Samantha] Okay. Oh.

[both laughing]

[instructor] Oh, no. I'm
not laughing. Come on.

- Oh.
- Oh. Okay.

- [laughs]
- You, uh...

- Oh, right. Okay.
- Break.

- Break. Ooh, sorry.
- Ow.

- Okay.
- Knee.

[stammers] And strike?

- Harder! Do it again!
- Oh.

- Sorry. Is this okay?
- [instructor] Come on!

Like you mean it. Like you
mean it. Like you mean it!

All right. Now, she is gonna take
away everything you care about.

Everything you love!

Now, what are you gonna do?

[inhales sharply]

["Edamame" playing]

[teenager 1] Hunter!

Yo, Hunter!

- [Hunter] Yeah?
- Come here!

Yeah. Um, this is Hunter.

He's our drummer.

- He's a madman.
- [laughs]

- [teenager 1] You gotta hear his grooves.
- What school do you go to?

- What?
- What school do you go to?

Oh. Mayfield. Same as you.

Really? [chuckles] Sorry.

[stammers] It's okay.

I'm a grade below you anyway.

I'll have to keep
an eye out for you.

Mushrooms.

You want?

No, no. I'm good.

It'll f*ck up my drumming.

[teenager 1] Or it'll take
you to the next level.

[Hunter] f*ck it. All right.

[teenager 1] Come
on. It'll be cool.

I've gotta introduce you to this
guy that I buy from in Scotland.

He uses these reclaimed Sherry
barrels to build his own casks.

Gives it this sweetness
and mahogany tones.

Guy's an artist.

Those Sherry casks make
all the difference.

[Coop] Out here, scotch was
like a f*cking religion.

Every time someone
poured you a drink,

they'd have to give a f*cking
TED Talk about the scotch.

Then someone else would
inevitably chime in

about some great bottle they once
had that you couldn't get anymore

and blah, blah, blah.

I think at some point it just started
to dawn on everyone that this was it.

These houses, these
wives, these jobs.

This would be the sum
total of their lives.

Their futures are
already written.

And so the quest to stave
off the emptiness began.

Scotch, cigars, smoked meats,
custom golf clubs, high-end escorts.

Entire industries built to cash
in on the quiet desperation

of rich, middle-aged men.

Coop.

Did I hear you left
Bailey Russell?

[inhales deeply] Yeah.

I've been developing my own thing
with this family office out of Dubai.

That's a big move.

Congrats, Coop.

Yeah. Thanks.

[friend 1] You investing it yet?

I'm doing a lot of
mezzanine work lately.

- We should talk.
- Yeah, we're still papering the deal.

What about my
investments at Bailey?

Should-Should I be getting out?

- I would.
- No.

No.

[drum sticks tapping]

["Sick of Myself" playing]

Let's go!

♪ You don't know
how you move me ♪

♪ Deconstruct me
and consume me ♪

♪ I'm all used up ♪

♪ I'm out of luck ♪

♪ I am starstruck ♪

♪ But something in your eyes ♪

♪ That is keeping
my hope alive ♪

♪ But I'm sick of myself ♪

♪ When I look at you ♪

♪ Something so
beautiful and true ♪

♪ In a world that's
ugly and a lie ♪

♪ It's hard to
even want to try ♪

♪ And I'm beginning
to think... ♪

[song distorts]

[Hunter panting]

[echoing continues]

[song ends]

[panting continues]

[distorted] Hunter,
what the f*ck, dude?

[Hunter panting]

[panting continues]

[chattering]

["Staying Power" playing]

- Come on. Harder.
- [Suzanne] Me?

Yes, harder!

- You.
- [grunting]

What is that? No.
[stammers] That's a r*pe.

You're r*ped. You're
r*ped! It's not funny.

You. You're k*lled. You're dead.

You're dead!

Forward a bit. Come on!

That is bullshit. You're
hitting like a victim.

Is that... Is that what
you are? Are you a victim?

- No.
- No? Why are you smiling?

Do it! Hit it! Come on!

- [grunting]
- Better. Better. Yes!

- Yes! Yes!
- [Mel grunting]

- Whoa. Whoa, whoa!
- [instructor] Yes. Yes.

[panting]

♪ I caress all the pain
Keep it deep inside ♪

♪ I can grasp all the same
But I need some time ♪

♪ If the grass grows
greener On the other side ♪

♪ If you want, I'll be
waiting But I need some time ♪

♪ Give me two more
days I love you ♪

[admirer] Hey.

That was really great.

Oh, thanks.

Can I buy you a drink?

[laughs] I drink for free.

It's kind of part of the deal.

Okay. Well, can I buy myself
a drink and keep you company?

- [chuckles]
- I'm Tom, by the way.

Oh. You seem like
a good guy, Tom,

and with exceptional shoulders,
but I'm gonna level with you.

- I'm a bad bet.
- [Tom] That's cool.

- I know where all the exits are.
- [phone buzzing]

Hang on.

Hey, kid. What's
up? How you do...

Wait. No, no, no.
Wait. Slow down.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh, slow down.

Where are you?

[chattering]

[party music playing]

Hey, man. You know
where Hunter is?

Who?

Don't do drugs.

[knocking]

[teenager] Come on, man.
I gotta pee. What's up?

Hunter! It's me, Ali.

- [door lock clicks]
- [grunts]

Ah.

Hey, man.

You got room for one more?

[inhales sharply, sighs]

[grunts]

Ooh. [sighs]

This is fancy.

[chuckles]

So what did you take?

A stem and a cap.

Hmm. Wow.

You still tripping?

That depends. Are we
sitting in a bathtub?

[chuckles]

[grunts]

Nobody ever sees me, you know.

I-I-I don't know why.

I guess that's just how I am.

I've gotten used to it.

But today, with the band,
they finally saw me.

And it felt good.

[stammers] And-And
then I blew it.

I get it. [sighs]

I have been there.

I'm still there. [chuckles]

I kind of live there actually.

We're a lot alike
when it comes to that.

We're afraid to be seen, but it
doesn't mean we don't wanna be.

Or need to be.

Maybe that's why
we're musicians.

- It's a chance to be seen.
- [teenager] Yo, I gotta piss!

[inhales sharply]
I will cut a b*tch!

- f*ck off!
- [teenager] Come on.

- Hurry up!
- [chuckles]

Anyway... [laughs] ...in
this particular case,

I don't think you have
to worry about anything

because whatever
happened out there,

those kids are so damn stoned,
they won't remember it tomorrow.

- You think so?
- Yeah.

You ready to go home?

- Yeah. [sniffs]
- Okay.

Well, um... [clears throat]
...you're gonna have to get up first,

because I'm gonna need your
help getting out of this thing.

[laughs]

[chattering]

I would never hire a
housekeeper that good-looking.

[chuckles] I mean, Nick's
gotta be banging her.

- I would.
- Yeah, I know you would.

- Would she?
- [clicks tongue]

[inhales deeply] Touché.

[Peter] That's some
serious hardware.

[Nick] Check it out.

There you go.

Look at that baby.

You can hold it. You just
can't put it on your finger.

Why not?

Uh, because you didn't win a f*cking
championship now, did you, Peter?

[Peter chuckles]

- Damn, Paul.
- [Paul] Mm-hmm.

- She's something else.
- She's not bad, huh?

- Oh, yeah. That's nice.
- [Paul laughs]

She was just a waitress at
one of your restaurants?

Uh, it's always good
to have a bull pen.

What about you, Dom?

All those young waitresses, huh?

Chef must get first pick.

Come on.

- Not worth the fallout.
- No?

Kat and I have got
something pretty great.

[both moaning, grunting]

I really need to get
divorced. [chuckles]

[Barney] Hey, how's that
going with Sam, by the way?

You guys gonna be able to
avoid a whole legal thing?

[scoffs] Not likely.

She's bitter and jealous
and greedy as f*ck.

That b*tch is trying
to clean me out.

I made her a generous offer,

but her bullshit attorneys convinced her
she deserves a bigger slice of the pie.

Tell you what, she's
not gonna get it.

Jesus, Paul. Give it a rest.

What's your problem, Coop?

She's the mother of your children.
Why you gotta talk like that?

I guess we're just
built different.

Nick there is f*cking the
mother of your children,

and you brought him a
fancy bottle of wine.

- Paul, take it down a notch.
- Just keep it civil.

That chiseling wh*re is
trying to clean me out.

[Coop] Well, gee, Paul. I don't know.
If Sam let your fat a*s f*ck her

with that tiny, sad,
little d*ck of yours,

- maybe she deserves it.
- m*therf*cker!

- [all] Whoa! Whoa!
- [Paul] f*ck!

I'll f*cking k*ll you.
I f*cking will, guy.

And you'll f*cking...
[speaks indistinctly]

- Break it off!
- I'll f*cking k*ll you.

[Nick] Yo, chill.

Whoo. [chuckling] Okay.

Okay, everyone,
now it's a party.

- [friends laughing]
- Know what?

A thousand bucks to anyone
who can score on me.

- Yeah.
- [Nick] Yeah. Who's feeling lucky?

[friend] Me! Me!

Yeah. Let's go downstairs.

["Balla Baby" playing]

Come on, man. Come on.

[friends clamoring]

Oh.

Denied. Access denied.

Not today, m*therf*cker.

- That's what I'm talking about.
- Not ever. Not in my house.

All right. Who's
next? Any takers?

[friends] Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

[Nick] Jerry? Okay.
Okay. Enough of that.

Jerry, you played
D-I didn't you?

- Sure did.
- [Nick] Okay.

- Hope you brought your A game.
- [Julie] All right.

Hundred bucks on Jerry. 10-to-1.

- Who's got me?
- I'll take that action.

[laughs] Oh, man.

- [Julie] Come on, Jerry.
- [Dom] Here we go.

- Oh, my God!
- [Julie] Come on.

[Nick] Oh, you gonna
post me up here?

Is that the plan? You think
this is a pick-up game at the Y?

Give me that. Rookies.

[Jerry] Come on, Nick.

- [Nick] Give me that. Rookies.
- [friends groan]

- [Nick] Give me that.
- [friends groan]

[Nick] Give me that, Jerry.
Yeah, I play defense too.

- It's what the people want.
- [friend] Jerry! Come on, Jerry!

It's what the people want.

- [friends cheering]
- [Julie] Jerry!

- [cracking]
- [all gasping]

- [Jerry] Oh, sh*t. Oh, f*ck. g*dd*mn it.
- [Nick] Oh, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, sh*t.
- [Nick] I'm sorry, Jerry.

Hold on. Let me just check it.

Oh, what the f*ck?

- That is a bone.
- Oh.

Hey, call 911.

- This is bad.
- You're gonna walk it off, man.

- [Jerry] f*ck!
- sh*t, I'm sorry, Jerry.

- Damn it.
- [friend] It's all right.

- I hate seeing sh*t like this.
- [friend] Don't touch it.

[laughing]

[Samantha] I can handle Paul
f*cking someone half his age.

I mean, it's shitty and
cliché and pathetic,

but he's enough of a narcissist
to believe some young thing

pretending to be
attracted to him.

But it's-it's-it's-it's
the recklessness of it.

I mean, that's
what pisses me off.

I'm just lucky he
didn't give me herpes.

The waitress has herpes?

No, I have no idea.

I'm just saying, theoretically.

- Theoretical herpes.
- Mm-hmm.

And anyone can see this
girl is just a Band-Aid.

I mean, one day soon he's gonna wake
up and he's gonna look in the mirror

and then he's gonna realize that
whatever his damage is, it's still there.

Hmm. And also after cheating on
me, God knows how many times,

he's lawyering up as if I'm the one
who committed the crime. I mean...

I guess I have it
easier with Coop.

Well, yeah. It's
not really the same.

I mean, you're the Paul
in your equation, right?

- What?
- No, uh, no, I'm sorry.

I'm not trying to say
that you're like Paul.

I just meant that you're
the one who had the affair.

I mean, not that
I'm judging you.

- I mean, far from it.
- [sighs]

- I'm gonna stop talking now.
- Oh, my God. I'm Paul.

- No, you're not Paul.
- No. You're right.

- I didn't mean that.
- I am the one who cheated.

[sighs]

But that was after
years... years...

of just trying to get Coop
to pay attention to us.

To me.

[sighs] But no matter what I tried, the
chasm between us got wider and wider

and, at a certain point,
there was nothing I could do.

So you f*cked one
of his best friends.

- I'm sorry.
- Wow.

- I'm sorry. It's the brownies.
- Sam.

It's the brownies.

It's not because I beat the
sh*t out of you just now?

What? Oh, my God. That is so cute
that that's what you think happened.

- That's really delusional.
- If they hadn't stopped me,

- I would've pushed you through that wall.
- You're so crazy.

I could kick your tight,
little Ivy League a*s

- so f*cking fast...
- Look at this.

- You kidding me? What?
- Look at my g*ns.

- Look at what? What g*ns?
- Look at my g*ns, b*tch.

- That is... There's nothing.
- See here. Look at this.

- Look at it. Feel it. Feel it.
- Okay. Hold on. Let me feel it.

- Is this? Can I just do this?
- Ow. Ow.

- Oh, my God. Hey.
- Yeah. Okay, Mel. Ow.

- What the f*ck are you doing?
- Yeah, take that.

- Can you just...
- [shrieking, grunts]

[both panting, grunting]

Hmm. No.

Oh. Come on.

- Tap out. God.
- That's not how tapping out works.

[grunting] Ow!

[both groan]

- [sighs]
- Oh, my God.

[both panting]

[chuckles]

I started disappearing.

Becoming like one small part of his life
instead of the thing that mattered most.

It was like he only had so much space in
him, and I just wanted too much of it.

I don't think Coop
has that space in him.

[sighs] Maybe he did
once, but not anymore.

You have a lot of
pent-up aggression.

You really need
to get laid soon.

Yeah. I know.

All right. I gotta go.

Yeah. Me too.

[chattering]

Do you wanna talk
about the bag of cash?

- Nope.
- Mm-hmm.

[Jerry grunting]

Do you ever look at something you've
been staring at for so long...

but you suddenly realize you
stopped seeing it a long time ago?

What are we talking about?

My life.

Oh, sh*t.

[vomits, coughs]

[Nick] f*ck, Barney.

[coughs]

I am so sorry.

[Nick] That's a prototype.

I am so... [vomits]

[Coop] If you're in the
market for metaphors...

[vomits]

...look no further than a man
vomiting into a $30,000 toilet

that isn't connected
to any plumbing.

[Barney groaning]

[Coop] Though, once you get
into a certain frame of mind,

everything in this town
is a f*cking metaphor,

which can make it really hard to
figure out what, if anything, is real.

[chattering]

Have a good day.

[students laughing]

Hey, Hunter.

[Mel] Hey, you.

Hey.

I stopped by your house.

Saw Ali. She said
you'd be out here.

- [grunts]
- She's living with you now?

Yeah. She's going
through some stuff.

I didn't want her to be alone.

It's a lot to take on.

Well, I'm all she has.

She has me too, Coop.
I hope you know that.

Nick says you're not
at Bailey anymore?

Yeah. I'm, uh, starting with
a new fund out of the UAE.

Less oversight, better upside.

Just like that?

It's time for a change.

You were at Bailey
for a long time.

Yeah, well, you were with me
for a long time, weren't you?

Okay, Coop.

Don't worry. You'll
get your checks.

Oh, f*ck you.

What do you want from me, huh?

What? Tell me.

You've just become
impossible to talk to.

Yet, here you are,
still trying to do it.

[sighs]

I've been thinking about getting
a professional coach for Tori.

It's about a thousand a week.
Just wanted to run it by you.

I am her coach, and she
works here with Eddie.

- She's doing fine.
- I know.

- I'm talking about a professional.
- One of Nick's guys, huh?

This isn't about Nick. This
is about what's best for Tori.

The next few months
are critical,

and you know how badly she wants
a chance to play for Princeton.

- She doesn't need a professional coach.
- Because of us...

At the very least, she
needs someone who shows up.

- I show up.
- No, Coop.

- You come around just enough...
- Oh, f*ck.

- ...to convince yourself that you do.
- Not again with this bullshit.

We're not having this
conversation again and again.

It's one thing for you
to not show up for me,

but you damn well
better show up for her.

- You understand?
- Anything else?

[grunting]

[detective] You got a lot of
watches here, Mr. Sperling.

Why would a thief
take only the one?

[Brad] That one alone
is worth 225 grand.

So, the thief didn't
want to be greedy?

[inhales sharply] The fact
that the other watches are here

makes me wonder if you
might've misplaced it.

Who misplaces a
watch that expensive?

I don't know. Maybe the
same person who buys one?

What?

- You got a picture of that watch?
- [Brad] Yes.

And ownership papers.
I'll be right back.

[police radio chatter]

You got a beef with this guy?

Just trying to help
him find his watch.

You think we're
actually gonna find it?

I don't know, but we're
gonna make it a priority.

- Really?
- [detective] No. Not really. [sighs]

[YouTuber] The paper clip,
now wired to the battery pack,

will act as a tensioner.

Now, keep your tensioner
slotted in position.

Only a centimeter in.

Don't force it.

The rake may as
well be a pinprick.

Now, gonna introduce
our voltage.

- [beeping]
- [laughs] Voilà.

And if that doesn't work,
there's always brute force.

[laughs]

[Coop] My shrink
would've had a field day

unpacking the fact that I was stealing
from the guy who slept with my wife.

[beeping]

[Coop] But I didn't
have a shrink.

What I did have was
a YouTube tutorial,

Nick's championship ring,

and the notion that,
all things considered,

I was getting
pretty good at this.

[g*n clicks]

[Coop] Or not.