01x01 - They F*** You Up

[bunniefuu]

- My mother was...

My mother was...

It's hard to find the words.

She'd have had just
the right ones.

She had a word for everything.

I'm sure those of you
who knew her

in her official capacity
as Judge Rachel Horowitz

would agree with that.

She was dignity
and integrity personified.

She always demanded
the best in people...

...because it's what
she demanded of herself.

But above all else...

...she was honest.

She used to say,
"There's nothing more important

in life than the truth."

Sarah, it's your mother.

Well, was your mother,
if you're listening to this.

I think the only way I knew how
to love you was to protect you,

but there's something
I need to tell you.

It's about your father.

He wasn't actually...

What the fu...

- What the f*ck?!

Good. Thought you were dead.

Check out was nearly
three hours ago.

- f*ck!
- It's your lucky day.

The guy next door sh*t the bed,

so you have a few minutes to
get your life together. Okay?

That will be 322 Euro.

My husband must have
left a card.

- This is ridiculous.
- No, no card was left.

Well, that's... great.

So, here's the two euros.

So let's do 89 on this card,

55 on this one and then,

I guess, that's 176
on this baby.

While you're putting
that through, would you mind
charging my phone?

Yes, I would mind.

: Well, folks,
welcome to Dublin

where the local time
is 2:18 p.m.

Safe onward journey
from the flight deck.

Is there anger here
towards Canada because

we are part of the
Commonwealth?

Like, the Queen
is on our money, so...

I've always had this kind of
affinity with Irish culture.

I saw Riverdance
nine times growing up.

I mean, I had a U2 cover
band at my bat mitzvah.

Well, I went through this phase

of just wanting to be
Andrea Corr, you know?

Just, I wanted to be her.
James Molloy.

I love the name.
You know, it's got a really
good ring to it.

So Irish, like James Joyce.

Oh, hi!
Are you Sheryl?

How much did that cost ya?

Hi, I'm Sarah,
James Molloy's daughter.

There's a bus that stops
at the end of the road there.

Oh! Yeah, you mentioned
that in your email.

Thank you so much. No, I was
afraid of getting lost.

Well, you never mentioned
you were rich.

Oh! Oh, no I'm not.

Public transport
isn't really my forte.

You're a lot thinner
in your pictures.

Oh. Sorry.

Well, those were
old photos, I guess.

Ah. Time is a cruel mistress.

That's Thomas Carey.

Eddie!
It's my birthday!

I'm outside the flat.

You better have
my f*ck' money.

Yes. I do. I have it! Almost.

Uh, listen,
I'm gettin' paid tomorrow

and I get some
birthday cash today.

Can you just...

f*ck.

Well, I knew he got about.

I just didn't think
his little swimmers

made it all the way to America.

- Canada.
- Ah, right.

That was a bit of a shock.

And you're a Jew.

- Pardon?
- Horowitz.

- You're a Jew.
- Yes.

Ah! Sing us
something Jewish then?

- Excuse me?
- Oh, go on!

Sing us something Jewish.

Well, I mean, I don't
really speak any Hebrew.

Ah, come on, now, love!

Earn your tea.

Sorry. Um...

I, uh...

- Did ya hear that, Deryl?
- I did, Sheryl.

Oh is... is there
someone else here?

Oh, it's just Deryl,
the other half.

I won't say better half.
Let's put it that way.

How long ago did you
and my father...

I mean, James...

How long ago did you
get divorced?

I like that Barbara Streisand.
She's a Jew.

Yeah.

She is.

Oh.

And that'd be
your Auntie June.

- Dead. Emphysema.
- Oh, God.

Well, how old was she
when she died?

Oh, and here's your Uncle Tom.

He tried to feel me up
in a pub toilet once.

Pervert. Also dead.

- Heroin.
- Oh, God!

Do you know,
I've never understood it.

I mean, with your pills,
you have your count.

And with your booze,
you have your measure.

But, with that stuff,

you don't know what
you're putting in there.

Oh, no, thank you.
It's still the morning for me.

Sure, it's medicinal.

- Oh, and there's me.
- Oh!

Look at the pair
of legs on me.

Sure, I was quite
the looker, ya know.

Great legs!
Before I lost my health.

Oh, it was hard, you know,
with the cancer.

I'm lucky to be alive.
In the blood, so it was.

Very rare form of cancer.

And then there was the shingles
and glandular fever, twice.

People don't get glandular
fever twice, but I did.

In 1999 and 2003.

Okay.

And then...

There was the menopause.

Oh! There he is.

That's him there.

Sure, will you look
at the coat he had on him.

That's my father.

Oh, and that there is my Suzi.

Ah, she's looking a bit rough
around the edges these days,

but looking at you now,
I see the resemblance.

- You're sisters all right.
- What?!

Ya's both got Jimmy's big jaw.

I have a sister?

And that there
is my princess.

Gone but not forgotten.

Hit by a car.

Took me three days
to scrub her off the pavement.

Sorry, can you slow down?
So, so, so, so wait!

So, so... I have a sister?
Your daughter is my sister?

You never said...

Oh! That'd be her now!

- What?!
- Oh! Sure!

She'll be delighted to meet ya.

Oh, God!
No, I don't want to intrude.

Deryl, will you set another
place for dinner?

We have a very special guest.

A Jew. From America.

I don't want to intrude.

Oh, you'll be late to your own
funeral, do you know that?

Happy birthday to you, too.

Mother of God!
The smell of drink off ya.

They threw a party
for me last night.

Who did?
The Jameson factory?

Oh, you only turn 37 once.

Oh, is that all?
You look older.

- They're your genes.
- Yeah, stop it.

Now, Suzi, this is our
guest of honour, Sarah.

I... Ow!

Hi!

Hello.

Hi...

Well, she's clumsy.

Youse have that in common.

- Are you from the church?
- God, no. I...

Well, I met
your mother online.

Oh, lovely.

- Woo-hoo!

Right, now, who's for champagne?

Sarah, you sit there, love.

Okay.

Jesus!
Pushing the boat out, Sheryl.

Oh, I love the bubbles.

Right, Deryl.

- To my Suzi!

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Oh, happy birthday!

Thanks.

All right.

Got the hat.

Oh, there you go, love.

- Thanks, Mum.
- Oh, read it later.

It's just a little something
from me and your stepfather.

He's not my stepfather.

Apologize, Susan!

- Sorry, Deryl.
- That's fine, so.

Right now, dig in.

We don't have all day.

The rerun of my show
starts at eight.

Resistance.
Sarah, you should watch it.

The w*r of Independence.
Sure, it's your heritage.

Oh, I will!
Oh, I'm so interested

in Irish history and literature.

Yeah, I really want to visit
the, uh, Dublin Writers Museum.

Ah, sure, that's not what
you came all this way for,

to see where
Joyce took a piss once.

Why are you here?

Well, I... uh...

I'm actually, um, I'm trying
to track down some family.

Um, I'm looking for my father.

You have an Irish father?
God help ya.

Ah, would ya look at the size
of that ring, Suzi?

Yup! Getting married
in the fall.

Steve. Oh, he's amazing.

Yeah. We've, um, we've been
together forever, so.

- High school sweethearts!
- Oh...

Ah, Suzi had a fella once.

Oh, sorry... Partner.

That's what
they call 'em, isn't it,

when they don't want
to marry you? Gabe.

Like the angel Gabriel.

Oh, but he was great,
Sare. Rich.

He had his own house,
had his own car.

He took her on holiday!

But it didn't work out.

Well, I guess
he wasn't the one.

It's not like
he ever hit her, or anything.

Jesus Christ.

Not a word from him today,
no, on your birthday?

Aw. Always unlucky in love,
weren't we, Suzi?

Anyway, better to be gettin'
married than to be living in sin

and destined for damnation.

Deryl, get the camera.

So, Sare, do the Jews
have an afterlife?

We don't really. No.

Oh! So, where's your dad from?

Uh, it's... it's sort
of a long story, but--

Sure, she's Jimmy's daughter.

What?

Yes, Suzi, your dirty daddy

- stuck it in an American.
- Canadian.

Stuck it in some floozy.

My mother wasn't a floozy.

Is this a joke?

What the actual f*ck
is going on?

I will not have that kind
of language in my house.

- Deryl, tell her.
- Suzi...

Don't you f*cking dare.

I thought you'd be pleased

you have a Jewish
American sister.

Deryl, f*ck off!

Please your sort.

I'm really so sorry.
I only just found out myself.

- She only just told me!
- You are un-f*cking-believable.

I wouldn't be getting
all dramatic.

Now, girls, there's probably
a whole litter of you,

knowing what
a good for nothing,

drunk as a skunk,
waste of space your father was!

- What is your dad's name?
- James Molloy.

Look, I'm really
sorry for crying.

It's just been a really
hard couple of months.

- Jesus f*cking Christ!

You're all sick,
f*cked-up f*ck.

f*ck the lot of ya.

Suze, Suze, you have
just a little chunk,

right there, on your tooth.

Jesus!

Oh, f*ck.

Ah, Jesus.

Scabby b*stards.

You know what to do.

Hey! What a birthday!

Haven't stopped celebrating!

Where'd you escape to this
morning, you dirty old man?

Listen, I'm heading
to Mickey's Pub.

Buy a girl a birthday drink?

Right. Cuppa tea?

How much is a pint of lager?

You know how much
a pint of lager is.

Well, here's two euros.

There.

There's two euros worth.

Whatever happened
to happy hour?

Ha! You're in it, love.

Come on!
It's me birthday.

Welcome to 40.

f*ck you! I'm 37.

Could've fooled me.

You ever been to Canada?

Why? Are you thinking
of emigrating?

I wish.

- Sláinte.
- Sláinte.

- Happy Birthday.
- Thanks, Mickey.

- Steve.

I'm coming home.

What? You just got there.
Did you find him?

No. This was a huge
effing mistake.

No, I don't know where he is.

And everyone here is so crazy!

Where are you now?

No, I don't know where I am.

I'm on my way to the airport.

This was always going
to be hard.

But you are the bravest
person I know.

You want me to fly over?

'Cause just say
the word and I am there.

No. No, that's okay.

You're so sweet.

You can do this.
I believe in you.

Yeah. No, I... I can do this.

- 'Kay, "wuv woo."
- Love you more.

I "wuv woo," too.

Okay.

Hi, Sheryl?

Hi, it's Sare.
Thank you for lunch.

It was delicious.

Can you please tell me
where Suze might be?

There she is!

Such a sad little girl.

A bottle of merlot
and whatever the lady requires
to cheer herself up.

We only do
colours here, Teddy.

Red or white.
Nothin' else.

Red, Mickey. Red.

Jesus.

27.50. Please.

Oh, just...

Sorry, birthday girl.

- Looks like this one's on you.
- Ah...

Are the sales
a bit slow on the old

turd-shaped sculptures, then?

At the moment, I just care
too much about art

to make art, ya know?

Alright.

Let's go.

A mystery.

A sublime mystery.

You're going
to cop on to yourself.

You know you're far
too good for that bollox.

Thanks, Mickey.

Listen, about the hotel room,

you're going to have
to give me some cash.

Just... kiss me,
you beautiful woman.

Come on.

Come here... The hotel.

I don't have 300 euros
to spend on mediocre sex.

I love it when you talk dirty.

Teddy, I'm f*cking serious.

Hi. Sorry.

Um, I'm looking
for Mickey's Pub?

Oh, right. Sorry.

- What can I get ya, love?
- Oh, I don't really dr...

You know, could
I get a whiskey?

Just a small double.

One small double, comin' up.

There.

Thank you so much.

Sorry, this is a bit random,

but do you know
someone called Suze?

Looks a bit like me?

Oh, Jesus!

- Oh, God!
- f*ck this!

- Nah, you need to pay up.
- Ah, come on.

You can't just
leave me like this.

My d*ck is going to explode!

Tough! You owe me.

- I gotta... finish.

- Come on.
- Can't help you.

Ah, right.

f*ck's sake, Teddy.

What? This is your fault!

Jesus!

You better have
a f*ck' tissue.

Yeah, uh...

Here.

Oh, ah... Shh, shh...

Yep!

- Where are you?
- Yeah. I'm on my way.

- Don't forget the nappies.
- Yeah. No worries, love.

Bye, bye, bye,
buh-bye, bye, bye.

Right.

I gotta sh**t.

Take it easy, birthday girl.

No chance.
You f*cking owe me.

At least half. Come on!

I don't have it.

I'm really sorry.

I just don't have it.

f*cking loser.

What the hell
are you doing here?

Hi.

Look, I'm... I'm really
sorry about earlier.

Your mum's a real character,
isn't she?

- Look, do you know where he is?
- Who?

My father...
Our... Our father.

Please.

Look, I just want
to know where...

who I came from, please.

Please, help me.

I thought I was an orphan.

I don't think they call it
that in your thirties.

This is from him.

From James... Jimmy.

It says... it says
he would do anything
for me and my mum.

That he would swim the Atlantic
if it meant he could see us.

Swim the Atlantic?
Jesus Christ!

He wouldn't cross
the road for ya.

I'm sorry, Canada, I have no
idea where that f*ck is.

I haven't seen him for years
and the last time I did

he was stumbling
over O'Connell Bridge

and he looked like
he'd pissed himself.

Listen, if I were you,
I'd tour the Guinness factory,

go see Stephen's Green,

maybe check out
the leprechaun museum,

and then turn around
and go home.

At least you know
I'm not American!

Would you wait?

I... Wait!

Thank you. Sorry. Bye!

Wait a second!

Wait! Can you please just...
just wait a second?!

Please!

I have no idea where I am!

Can I just... can I come back
to yours and call a cab?

I'm sorry that we have
the same effing dad,

but this isn't my fault.

Is that...

Is that your stuff?

f*ck!

I'm really sorry.

You could always...

You could come
stay with me.

What?

You're the only one
who can help me.

And I have an extra
pullout couch thingie.

I've got the address in here
somewhere for the Airbnb.

Had ya down for a fancy hotel.

I wanted an authentic
Irish experience.

- Well, you're getting one.

Uh...

Here, show us that address?

Please?

Fine.

One night.

Do you want to get that?

Nah.

Weird number.

Right.

This way.

- What's your name again?
- Sare.

Suze.