01x02 - Do as I Say, Not as I Do

[bunniefuu]

Five minutes, guys.

Peter, make sure
your sister's in the car seat!

I don't want to go!
This sucks!

Yes. Yes, it does.

All right.

Today is gonna be really hard.

We're gonna
get through it together, okay?

We're gonna make him proud.

We are not gonna let them win.

Who's "them"?

The t*rrorists, honey.

Sorry.
I thought you understood.

Do you think it's fair
that I get to have his chain

and Casey doesn't?

I don't even think
she knows what's going on.

I think you're good.

You know, I don't even
think we have to tell her.

I mean, do you--do you
think we should tell her?

We could tell her
I'm her dad.

Do you think
she'll find out what happened?

Nah.

We're so late.
Come on, honey.

Sorry we're late. MapQuest.

Oh, you have nothing
to apologize for.

Hey, do you need a Xanax?
I brought enough for everybody.

No, um, that's okay.

Somebody's getting married.

We come together
for this momentous occasion

to remember that even
in our darkest times,

there is always joy,

there is always light.

- Not.
- Peter!

Shh!

Anyway...

Did you hear what I said?

I said, "Not."

I heard what you said.
It was hysterical.

But don't talk like that.

This is a house of God.
Watch your friggin' mouth.

There is always light,

there's always joy.

Looking good.

Okay.

All right, little man.

I'm gonna need you
to smile for the camera.

Come on.
Help me out here.

What's your problem?

His father died last week.

Take the picture.

Yeah, take the picture.

Amy.

- I'm so sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.

Please let me know
if there's anything I can do.

I will.
Thank you.

- Hey.
- Hi.

How are you?
You can talk to me.

- Lori, please.
- What?

I love you.

We're gonna have
to talk about this.

- I gotta go.

Here, honey.
No. Come here.

Put this down.

How ya doing?
Are you okay?

Hey, hey, hey.
How are we doing?

Uh, it's quite a party.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- I gotta pee.
- Oh, yeah? okay.

Just pee-pee, though, right?

- No poo-poo?
- Yeah.

All right.
I can handle that.

I gotta pee too.
Come on, big boy.

Thanks.

Peter, what are you doing?

What?

You don't gotta do all that.

Come on.
Look at me, okay?

You don't even have
to unbutton, all right?

Just take your zipper,
undo it,

reach in,
pull your guy out.

Boop, like that.
Through the hole.

Can you do that?
Come on, let's see.

Yeah, button it up. Good.

Pull the zipper down.

All right, reach in,
pull through.

Boop.

Good job.

Okay, you don't
gotta show the buns.

Keep the buns in your pants.

Boop, boop, boop.

Do as I say,
not as I do, okay?

- Mm. Oh, yo.
- Hey.

- What's up, big boy? Huh?
- How you doing?

- You look good.
- Yeah?

It's been forever.
Yeah, man.

You're out there
f*cking k*lling it.

- Jesus Christ.
- What are you doing?

- How you doing?
- I'm good.

You know, I'm just
doing the best I can.

The f*ck is this guy--
these f*cking Russians, man.

They make me want
to k*ll myself.

All right, already.

You know what?
That's it. Send.

Done. I'm done.

- So...
- What is it you do again?

I know you explained it.
I can never retain it.

I work for a Russian bank.
It doesn't matter.

Does that suck?
It sounds like it sucks.

I mean,
it doesn't always suck.

I mean,
I still get to go to Russia.

Every time I do, I still put
on the "Rocky IV" soundtrack,

get ready for it--
still works pretty good.

I don't know. f*ck it.

- Get me a beer.
- Okay.

- I love you. Good to see you.
- You too.

Hey.

Me and my dad are gonna see
the new "Jimmy Neutron" movie.

That's cool.
My dad is dead.

Yeah, my dad
told me about that.

He said that your dad went
into a burning building

and saved a bunch of people.

- And then he died.
- Yeah.

He was just being a hero
and stuff, I guess.

I'm gonna miss Uncle Scott.
He was really cool.

Maybe all the uncles
can be your dad.

You could have,
like, five dads.

Okay, here we go.

One, two, three.

Boop!

Mom, he's making
finger penises again.

- Come on.
- Hey, Peter. Come on.

Let's take a good one now, okay?

And then we'll have fun later.
What'd I say?

Do as I say,
not as I do.

- There it is.
- What does that mean?

Here we go.
Don't worry about it.

Everyone, say cheese!

- all: Cheese!
- Smokin'!

All right, that's it.
I'm going to get a drink.

Hey, we'll try again later.

Peter, will you please
stop ruining these photographs?

We are gonna be looking
at these for a very long time.

Hey, hey.
Hey, buddy.

Hey. Let's have
a little talk, okay?

I got him.

Oh, Peter.

You know
I've been praying for you.

Sometimes in life,

we feel that
there's a shadow following us,

and this darkness
comes over us.

That could turn into fear.

What if this darkness
never goes away?

But only later
do we realize

that the shadow
is actually the hand of God

guiding us and protecting us.

See, God,
He needed your dad up there.

He died on the 11th, right?

3 times 11 is 33.

Three.

Father, son,
the Holy Ghost, right?

Christ was 33 when He died,
same age as your father.

Your dad is Jesus incarnate.

Okay? You are never alone, sir.

Your dad is--

he's right here in his room!

He is.

You could say hello to him.

Say hello to your father.

- Uh--
- Say hi.

Don't be shy.

- Hi, Dad.
- Oh.

Did you feel his presence?

Did you? I did.

What was he, 6'3",
full of muscle?

Your dad, he's right here.

Your dad was a hero!

He's here. He's a hero.
Do you understand?

I want to thank you
for your service, sir.

And thank you for not letting

those dirty scumbag
Talibanians win.

Aw, f*ck.

Should we get another round?

Uh, yeah.

- What is it, Saturday?
- Yeah.

Yeah, f*ck it.
Angela's soccer season's over.

Did you hear? They got
into the semifinals this year.

- Angela got in the semifinals?
- Yeah.

- That's crazy.
- Yeah.

Next year,
we should get to states.

- Yeah, that's awesome.
- Yeah. Whatever.

It's f*cking girls' soccer, right?

- I mean--
- Well, it's your daughter.

I know. I like her.

I f*cking love her.

She's good.
She's a good kid.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

She's--yeah, she's fine.

What do you mean?
Are you good?

Yeah--no.

I don't know.
I don't know.

I don't know what the f*ck
is going on anymore.

Like, I used to think I knew,
but I don't know.

I mean, your aunt and I

are definitely
not in a good place.

What do you mean?
What's going on?

You're not gonna get,
like, divorced, right?

- Are you in therapy?
- No. No.

f*cking where are we here?

f*cking Staten Island.
I'm not going to therapy.

I'm not getting divorced,
all right?

I just don't know
what's going on.

I don't understand what
the f*ck is going on anymore.

You'll see when you get older.

- What does that mean?
- You'll see.

I'm good.
Just get me another beer?

- Yeah.
- All right.

Don't worry about me.
I'm f*cking chill.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Come on.
I gotta go run an errand.

I gotta go get some cigarettes.

- How you doing, bro?
- How am I doing?

I'm f*cking--
what the f*ck, you know?

That's who I want to be with
for the rest of my life, okay?

But god damn it! f*ck!

This is it, bro.
That's it.

I don't know
what else to tell you.

Unless you went to end up
divorced, living on a futon,

you lock it up, dog.

What's a futon?

Hey, Peter,
listen to me.

You don't repeat anything
you see or hear.

You know that, right?

Do as I say,
not as I do.

Good.

- All right, I'll get smokes.
- All right.

I'm gonna do
the George Jefferson. Watch.

You like movies, Pete?

You see that "Beautiful Mind"?

That Russell Crowe is amazing.
He'll do anything, that guy.

Unbelievable.

You into girls yet?

You will be.
You will be.

- Hey. Hey.
- There he is.

- Yeah, buddy.
- Man of the hour.

Mm.

Hey, Peter, did you know
I won Sexiest Man of the Year

- in 1992 in Staten Island?
- Really?

He ended up beating out
Kyle Hennesy and Paul Montello.

You're f*cking right I did,
and I came from behind.

It was a tight race.
Nobody think I could do it.

I did it against all odds.

They gave me a trophy
and everything.

I got it in the garage.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Listen to me, Peter.
You hear this song?

This is a great song
by a group called Creed.

Remember that name.
You know, people think

that this is religious crap.

Bullshit, man.

This song f*cking f*ck hard.

Oh, I love this song. Huh?

Can they play
"Cotton Eye Joe"?

They'll play
whatever you want.

Go tell the DJ.
Play whatever you want. Go.

What the f*ck is going on here?

It's like I walked
into a g*y bar.

Let's go. Let's go.
The women are out here.

Come on.

Hello?

Can you play "Cotton Eye Joe"?

You know,
things were looking up.

We were doing good
the last couple of weeks.

We were actually talking
about maybe trying again,

you know,
for the kids, for us.

And, you know,
then he friggin' died.

Jeez, honey.
I'm so sorry.

Just know
that we are here for you.

I appreciate that.

This is a very confusing day
for me.

I'm very happy
for one daughter,

and I'm very sad for another.

Scott will be missed.

Look, you don't have
to act like you liked the guy

all of a sudden.
It's fine.

I mean, I don't think
you wanted him to die,

though he did die
on your birthday.

My birthday
will never be the same.

No. I'm kidding, Mom.

Honey, it's not
that I didn't like the guy.

I didn't like him for you.

I mean, he was a good guy.

He was a friggin' hero.

I just don't know how
I'm gonna do this by myself.

You know?

How am I gonna
take care of these kids

and make sure they're okay?

You're my daughter.

You're
the strongest woman I know.

You're gonna do all right.

I'm gonna need your help.

Don't worry.
You'll have plenty of it.

I'll be there.

Hey.

What are you doing?

They didn't play
the "Cotton Eye Joe" yet?

That was, like, an hour ago.

You know what? Come here.

Come on.
I'll take care of this.

I'm gonna talk to him, okay?

Wait here.

- Hey, boss.
- What's up, man?

My nephew ask you
to play the "Cotton Eye Joe"?

Yeah, but, you know,
I got a whole setlist, man.

Oh, yeah? Really?

Play the f*cking
"Cotton Eye Joe"!

He's the DJ now, got it?

All right. Good.

Whoo!

Whoo! Yeah, Peter!

Oh, my sweet boy.

Your dad was
such a wonderful man.

He will be so missed.

He died on your birthday.

That's weird, right?

And you didn't like him.

I loved your father
very much.

No, you didn't.

It's kind of weird
that you didn't like him

and he died on your birthday.

What are you talking about?

Don't think I don't know.

You should be careful
what you wish for,

because my birthday's
in a couple of months,

and you don't want to know
what I'm gonna wish for.

I'm just bursting.

Oh, Tommy, thank you so much
for marrying my little girl.

No problem.

It's a done deal.
No takesie-backsies.

- She's your problem now.
- Mom!

I'm mostly kidding.

Cheers for love.

all: Cheers!

Go ahead.
You can have a little sip.

Really?

I don't think
you're gonna like it.

I already feel a little buzz.

Attaboy.

What the f*ck?
This is yours?

Yeah.
Do you want to drive it?

What? Yeah, I want
to f*cking drive it.

What are you
driving this thing for?

You're not a Trump guy.

No, I'm not a Trump guy,

but, you know,
Staten Island.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. What the f*ck?

- Come on.
- f*ck.

All right.
I gotta slide the seat up.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

Oh, my God, bro.
I feel so alive.

- Whoo! Whoo!
- Whoo!

- Let's take that light.
- Oh, sh*t.

Let's take that light.
f*ck it!

Oh, f*ck!

Go! Aah!

Whoo!

Uh, that was a--
that was a close one, huh?

Oh, my God.

I'd f*cking leave your aunt in
a second if I had this thing.

Whew!

Know what I'd like to do?

Take this thing to the bridge.

Take it to the bridge.

Just drive off the f*cking
thing, you know what I mean?

Just f*cking see how far out
to the water we can get.

I think
about that sh*t sometimes.

Maybe I would survive it
in this.

It's like a boat.

f*ck this.
Let's go crazy.

- Take your seatbelt off.
- Huh?

Huh? Who says that? Me!

Take off your seatbelt.

Whoo!

Oh, God!

There you are.
What are you doing?

This--this is very bad.

Although, nothing in the world
would make your father prouder

than to know you're getting
drunk at your first wedding.

Ugh.

At least try to hide it.
Would you?

They don't make
Jolt anymore either.

- Did you ever have Jolt?
- No.

All right, listen.

I just want you to know

I got f*cked up sh*t
in my head too.

You're not the only one.

That's okay.

I just feel old, you know?
I'm 50 now.

Little David's going to
college, and what am I doing?

I'm sitting in my garage
making weapons

and Chinese throwing stars.

And I made this cool
f*cking Wu-Tang medallion

out of scrap metal.
You gotta see it.

But, I mean, beyond that,

what the hell else is there,
you know?

I-I can't do drugs anymore.

I got nothing.

I don't know.

Sometimes I think it's over,
you know?

I don't--

I don't think anybody
really knows

what they're doing, right?

I mean,

I don't have
as much experience as you,

but I don't know.

When I was 18,
I thought when I'm 21,

I'll have it all
figured out, right?

And then 21 came,
and I was like,

I don't know, maybe 25?
Maybe 25?

And then 25 came,
and I was like, maybe 29?

And now I'm 29,
and I'm like, 33?

You know, like,

I-I don't think anybody knows
what they're doing.

And I think that's okay, though.

I think it's--
I think it's fine.

I think we're all
just trying our best, but...

Hey, I did win Sexiest Man of
the Year, Staten Island, 1992.

I know.
It was a really tight race.

And all the odds
were against you,

but you beat out
Paul Montello and Kyle Hennesy.

- f*cking right, I did.
- Yeah.

- Can't take that away from me.
- No, they can't.

I mean,
literally they can't.

I got the trophy
still in the garage.

- I've seen it.
- All right.

All right.
Best day ever.

- Right?
- Yeah.

All right.

- k*ller f*cking mega truck.

Oh, sh*t.

- Hey, Uncle Tommy.
- Big drop. What?

Do as I say,
not as I do.

I'm gonna go piss
on my house now.

Boop.

And now, I'd like to invite

all of the family members
out here to dance.

I need the Fossellas.
I need the LaRoccas.

Come on out here
and do something for me.

Let's go.
Let's go.

I heard Staten Island's where
the party really go down at.

Y'all letting everybody down.

Don't be shy.

I see you sitting back there.

Get on the floor.

Hey, let's go!

all: Go, Pete!

Go, Pete!
Go, Pete!

Go, Pete! Go, Pete!

Go, Pete!
Go, Pete!

Go, Pete! Go, Pete!

Go, Pete!
Go, Pete!

Go, Pete! Go, Pete!