01x07 - Borgnine

[bunniefuu]

Well, today is
a very sad day.

How do you say goodbye
to someone

who is such a fixture
in all of our lives?

You know, I finally
understand the meaning

of the Beyoncé song
"Irreplaceable,"

for he will never be replaced.

He was more than just a dog.

He was Borgnine.

And he was a gentleman.

From day one,

only went on the wee-wee pad.

Never the floor.

Always on the wee-wee pad.

Wouldn't go on the floor.

I mean, he wasn't perfect.

He had his flaws, right, Joe?

He--he used to bark

at Black people on the TV.

But in retrospect, it was only
during "The Cosby Show,"

so maybe he recognized
something that we didn't.

I'll never forget
when we put the--

the hat and glasses on him.

Remember, Joe?

It was hilarious.

f*cking hilarious.

Excuse me.

Now let's take
a moment of silence

and honor Borgie.

- Oh, my God.
- Ah, f*ck!

f*ck.

The f*ck?

Damn it.

Whew. It's fine.

She's fine. Shh. Shh.

Stop. Stop. Shh.

Sorry.

Sad day.

It's a very sad day, huh?

- Hello.
- Hello.

Good to see you, Mom.

Hey, how are you?

Hello, rest of the family.

Roy, all right. Very good.

This is sad.

Donna, hi.

All right.

I would now like to invite

family and friends
to come up here

and sprinkle a little dirt
on Borgie's grave

so you can have an opportunity
to say a final goodbye.

Pete, what the f*ck?

Thanks, Roy.

Oh!

- Borgie!

Oh! Ah, f*ck!

My f*cking foot's stuck!

Sorry, Borgie.

Sorry. Sorry.

Peter...

I am so sorry.

I was wrong. You're right.

Nothing will f*cking fix you.

Nothing,
nothing you could f*cking do.

Just leave me in.
I'm sorry.

Peter, there are no words

to describe
how disappointed I am.

Mom, I'm sorry.

No, you're not.

Pete, wait.

Are you really just gonna
dip out of here like this?

Yeah I don't think anybody
wants me to be here, so...

Okay, well,
give me your keys.

I'm not gonna let you
drive like this.

You know what?

I think I left them
in the f*cking grave hole.

Be right back.

Excuse me.

Oh, my God.

It's pretty dope, right?
The Shelby?

It's, like--
it's pretty--pretty rare.

I'm not gonna let you
off the hook.

You have to fix this.

It's your family.

Yeah, well, Mom and Poppy

don't really seem
to care anymore,

so what's the f*cking point?

Nothing matters now.

You're such a f*cking baby, Pete.

At your age, you're supposed
to be taking care of them.

You know that, right?

Also, what about me?
You know I exist.

I have feelings
just like everybody else.

How come you always cast me
like I don't matter?

You do matter.
I...I know. f*ck.

You're right, okay?
You're right.

You're always right, you know?

I f*ck'--

You know I love you

more than anything.

You have to get help.
You need help.

I don't care
if it's for me or for you,

so you can be in some bullshit
action movie or whatever.

Just f*cking do it!

You realize you're destroying
the family, right?

You're breaking Mom's heart.

All right, fine. I'll go.

I'll go to rehab, okay?

You mean it?

I do. I'll go. I'm sorry.

Good.

Maybe--

maybe before I go, maybe--
maybe tonight,

we go out, have, like,
a family dinner, something.

Me, you, Mom, and Poppy.

- It would be nice.

Yeah, that's literally
all Mom's wanted

since you've been home.

I don't like you.

All right, give it up
for Pete Davidson.

Ew! f*ck.

Hey, man. How's it going?

Hey, Ray.

Hey.

Can I, uh--
can I talk to you for a sec?

Uh, yeah.

I'm--I got a spot,
and I'm going onstage.

Yeah, I know.
It'll only take a second.

Yeah, sure, man.
What's--what's up?

What's going on?

I'm good, man. I just, uh...

Figure we should, uh,
you know, maybe talk

about what happened, you know,
in Canada.

What are you talking about?
What? What happened in Canada?

Ray...

remember when you came
into my trailer

and said all that weird stuff,

but it was, like, kind of cool
'cause it was coming from you,

but like, in retrospect,

it was actually
super f*cked up and dark?

Do you remember that?

Pete, I don't--
I don't know what to say.

I wasn't in Canada.

I didn't--
I've never met you before.

This is the first time
I've ever met you.

You told me to get sucked.

You were like, "You should
get yourself sucked!"

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up.

I don't know
what's going on with you.

I know--I don't know you.
I read about you.

I know
you're a little f*cked up.

You might be spiraling out
now, man.

You may need help.

Dude, I think you should go
get some help.

f*ck. Sorry, Ray.

I--

I don't know
what's going on anymore.

I've been all f*cked up,
but I'm actually--

I'm getting help, so...

Wonderful, wonderful.

Hey, you need help.

We all need help. Godspeed.

Okay? I wish you the best.

Sayonara.

Yeah, shalom.

Yeah, shalom's funny,

'cause it's hello and goodbye.

- Yeah.
- Aloha.

Have a good set, Ray Romano.

All right. Hey, Pete.

Yeah?

Take care of yourself,

p*ssy Thanos.

Hey! Ahh.

That is not good. f*ck.

Wah!

Hey.

Yo.

Welcome to my apology dinner.

Thank you.

Where is everyone?

No one's here.
It's just you so far.

Hopefully
I'm not the only one.

Oh, you made Italian stew.

Yeah.

Okay. Mangia.

That's crazy.
She's f*cking pregnant?

I know, I know.

Her life is over.

Over. Wow.

So are you doing that?

That type of stuff,
like, that, um...

- What?
- Um, the sexy stuff?

Do--do you do that?
Do you do that?

The sexy stuff?

Are you asking me
if I have sex?

I just--I--

I'd tell you, but like,

you could just read
about who I'm banging

kind of like it's the Nasdaq,
but you could--I--

Yes, I do.

- Cool.
- Okay?

I'm sorry.

I'm not good
at being your brother.

- I don't--
- No, it's okay.

- It's good.
- No, I'm trying.

Yeah, I know, you're trying.

- I made the stew, you know.
- Yeah.

No, it's okay. I'm teasing.

Oh, I am really--

I'm really proud of you.

That's pretty--
you're doing great.

- It's like...
- Proud of me for having sex?

- No, no, you're--the--
- Thank you.

You know, you're, like,
a doctor nurse thing, right?

You have no idea what I do,
do you?

No. I don't know what you do.

I just know
you write prescriptions

and you won't give me any, so...

She is
a physician's assistant.

Her graduation's next week.

You think you can make it?

Look, Poppy, I'm really--

I'm sorry about today
with the whole Borgnine thing.

That was--that was bad.

Peter, you always apologize.

How many times you apologize?

You don't f*cking mean it.

I don't want to be like
all those assholes

that enable you
to be a jerk-off

by accepting your apology.

Okay.

I deserve that.

Well...

I am going to rehab.

I found a place.

Didn't you try that
once before?

I did try, yeah.

But there's a lot more
to lose now.

So maybe I'll actually do it.

Maybe when I come back,
I won't be such a scumbag.

Okay.

And get rid of your friends.

What?

You heard me.

Get rid of your
f*cking friends.

You gotta get rid
of your friends

if you want to get better.

All of them.

Even Crillz?

Especially Crillz.

I just wish I could help you.

You know, I really tried.

I know. I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.
You know that, right?

Well, it's not easy
being a parent.

I only ever wanted
the best for you.

You know, I hope you know that.

Of course.

And I hope you know--like,
I know I don't say it a lot,

but I love you.

You're the best.

Pete, I need you
to take this seriously.

I really need you
to get better.

'Cause I love you more
than I could possibly tell you.

So what's this girl's name
you're going with?

- I forget.
- Nikki.

- Nikki, Nikki. Right, right.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How you doing with her?

Good? You like her?

I love her.
She's the best. Yeah.

It's complicated, though,
you know?

- Yeah.
- It's hard, you know?

Do you ever take her dancing?

No. Take her dancing?
What do you mean?

I mean dancing.
You know, take her out dancing.

- I know how to dance.
- You know how to dance?

- Yeah, I know how to dance.
- That's not dancing.

That's--no, what you kids do
is not dancing.

I'm talking about
romantic dancing.

You say--here, watch.
You do this.

- Yeah.
- Look at this. The hand?

- Okay, like that. Right there.
- Okay.

And you do very nice.
You know, you move, you roll.

Look. Smell my hair.

Say, "Ooh, you got nice hair."

- Like that.

- This is ridiculous.
- I know. I know.

Oh, my God.

- Is this happening?
- What?

- Case, do me a favor.
- What?

- Come here.
- Really?

Yeah, I want you to dance
with your brother.

- Teach him how to dance.
- No.

Oh, my God,
my kids are gonna dance.

- No. Come on.
- You can do this.

- Come on.
- Oh, man.

Just show him how to dance,
you know.

Okay.

This way you can smell
the hair the right way.

- Come on, guys. Come on.
- Come on.

Just do it.

Smell her hair.
Turn her around.

What? No.

- My hair smells great.
- It's--

We could do this thing
that way.

- Oh, yeah?
- And then you spin it back.

- Huh? How's that?
- Look at that, huh?

Mind if I cut in?

I'm actually--
I'm going to rehab tomorrow.

Oh, that's wonderful.

What rehab are you going to?

Uh, I'm going to this one
in the Berkshires.

Oh, Forest Point.

I've been there.

Ask for a room

on the north side
of the men's ward.

The south side,
there's dumpsters.

You'll hear the trash pickup,
like, every Monday.

- It's awful.
- Okay.

How's Poppy?

Yeah, well, that's why
I wanted to see you,

- 'cause...
- Oh, no.

I'm going away tomorrow, and...

You want me to take care
of Poppy?

No, Poppy actually wanted me
to take care of you

by getting rid of you.

He said I have to get rid
of all my friends.

There's--I mean, there's
no way that includes me.

You understand that, right?

I agree with him.

Get rid of your friends.

He means Derrick and Crillz...

and Crillz?

- He meant those people.
- Oh.

The people
you give opportunities to

who somehow blame you for them.

The people
who have never started

an interesting conversation

anytime I've been around them.

I'm embarrassed.
You're right.

Don't be embarrassed.

I get why it's fun
to have them around.

When I was going
through my worst time,

seeing your friends
made me feel

like I was Abraham Lincoln.

Yeah, about that,

I actually also really wanted
to talk to you

about something that's
kind of been bothering me.

You know--you know--

Okay, I am sorry

that I basically lied to you
about my drug problem

and everything
I was going through.

I knew I was hiding it
from you.

It was on purpose.

I know you're, like, 29 now,

but I still feel
some responsibility

as a older person

to make sure you're okay.

You're always in crisis.

The idea of calling you
for a crisis of mine--

maybe it actually
would have snapped you

out of your own bullshit.

It would have helped, honestly.

Yeah, I didn't think
about that.

I'm so obsessed
with my own life and problems.

Well, your life
is fascinating.

Yeah, it is, actually.

I mean, I don't know
what it's like to live it,

but g*dd*mn,
do we have fun watching it.

- It's--yeah.
- It's a good time.

You know what it is?

I'm not even--
first of all, I--

it does bother me a little bit

that everybody thinks
it's my fault.

And I understand why they do.
Of course.

- And you can too.
- Of course.

I mean, we do
one update feature together,

and then my life
completely changes.

There's theories online
that we swapped souls.

- I've read all of them.
- Yeah.

To the point
where I was reading them

- and I was like, did I?
- Did this happen?

Did this f*cking happen?

We hug at the end,
and that's when

people say the souls switch.

- Yes.
- And your soul came into me

and made me, like,
a degenerate drug addict.

Yeah, everyone thinks
we "Freaky Friday'd."

- We "Freaky Friday'd."
- We "Freaky Friday'd."

It makes a lot of sense.

I don't personally believe
in the theory,

but it's well-researched
and footnoted.

Well, you know what?

It doesn't even bother me
that much.

What really bothers me is that
you never--you never shared.

You never shared the drugs.

- What?
- You never shared.

We could have so much fun.

It was a dark, harrowing
elevator shaft of despair.

But you've never been cooler.

We were f*cking 5 feet away
in other dressing rooms,

and you were in there
just wearing a suit,

just f*cking doing blow.

That's awesome, dude.

It was not awesome.

It looked awesome.

You didn't see it.

You're imagining it.

Okay, well, how do I know
now that you're good?

And how will I know--
how will I know?

How will I know
that I'll be good?

Well, first off,
how will you know for sure

that I'm not on drugs?

- Yeah.
- You won't.

Now, in terms of you, Pete,

I worry about you to a level
that I don't worry about you.

I have worried about you
so much, so deeply,

for so many late nights

and then gone on my computer
to see that you're courtside

with... fill in the blank.

Not just enjoying the game.

Laughing your a*s off
with them.

Yeah, it's a fun time.

And this is the same night
you're texting me

that you want to leave
the planet.

Yeah.

How many times
have I seen you

just fall off a building
and land on your feet

or into the arms
of a Juicy sweats model?

I don't know, John,
I think I just--

I think I just want, like,
a regular type life.

What the f*ck is that?

Like barbecues
and baseball games and sh*t?

Yeah.

I don't think
it's made for you.

People don't want it from you,
first off,

and second,
I don't think you want it.

You've done absolutely nothing
to pursue it.

We're in comedy, okay?

You gotta be able to walk away
from anything in your life

in 30 seconds flat

when you hear an offer
around the corner.

That's why I got nothing
tying me down.

You have a kid.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I mean,
there's so much I can't do.

It's great, though.

Look,
here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna go to this rehab.

You'll stay--
what's the usual stay, 28 days?

You'll stay
about six, seven days.

- Yeah.
- You'll either leave

because they ask you to
or because, I don't know,

they won't let you smoke
in the hospital or something.

- Yeah.
- Some disagreement.

You'll continue to be
this bright, talented light

that seems in crisis

to everyone
in the outside world.

We'll all take care of you.

And I'll continue to be
this seemingly okay guy,

all buttoned up,

but inside having
a f*cking crisis all the time.

Well, John, I don't know
how to do anything else.

Neither do I.

I don't much want to.

Neither do I.

What are we doing here?

We're dancing.

I figured I'd take you dancing.

Well, Poppy thought
I should do it.

Okay.

For the record,
you have not been the same

since you got back from Canada.

And that was
a really long time ago.

No, I know, I know, but...

I'm gonna fix it, though.

I'm gonna, you know, go away
and get my sh*t together.

I'm taking it serious,
for real.

Right?

Can we finish
this conversation first?

If you want to finish
this conversation,

you gotta dance.

- Word?
- Yeah, you brought me here.

Fair.

You know, I'm going
to rehab tomorrow.

What makes you think

this time is gonna be
any different?

'Cause I'm gonna
take it seriously.

I've heard that before.

Yeah, well, in the past,

I've only gone
for, like, other people,

and historically,
that doesn't work.

But now I'm gonna go
for myself, you know,

'cause I hit rock bottom.

Isn't that great?

Nice socks.

Thanks, they're duckies.

You know,
I really want to believe you.

- You do?
- Yeah.

You should.

You know I care about you
way too much

to see you get
in your own way again.

Yeah.

I know you can fix this.

Well, you just gotta
promise me one thing.

What?

If I do this
and it doesn't work out,

then I get to k*ll myself,

and there's nothing you can do
to stop me.

Okay. Yeah, for sure. Deal.

You're just cool with that?

I cared the first 100 times
you said sh*t like that,

and now it just feels like
the way you end conversations.

Fair.

Let's get the f*ck
out of here.

Yeah?

Sorry.

Uh, just, uh...

Not--not--not--not like this.

Should probably wait
till I get back.

- Right now?
- Yeah.

You're gonna choose
this moment--

this is gonna be the moment
you're gonna change?

- I know.
- Right now?

My c*ck wants to punch me
in the face.

I'm so wet.

- Ugh!
- Oh... I know.

Believe me, I don't want to.

- Like, I wore--I wore a suit.

I know.
You look nice in the suit.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You look like Mr. Smith.

- Like Mr. Smith?
- Yeah.

Oh, that's
what I was going for.

- Look, no, I--

I just...

I thought a lot about
what you said the other day,

and you're right.

It's not fair to do that
to a person.

And I'm sorry. I...

Obviously,
we should be together.

I know that.

It's like, you're great.

You're so funny.
You're so smart.

Can't even believe
you talk to me,

'cause I'm such
a f*cking idiot, right?

And we have
so much fun together.

But I think that's why

it, like, freaks me out
a lot, 'cause...

I wouldn't want to lose that.

I'd be so f*cking hurt

if I blew it, you know?

And if I don't
take care of myself

and get my sh*t together,
I'll just f*ck this up.

And I don't want
to f*ck this up.

So could I just be a gentleman

and walk you to your door?

- I'm proud of you.
- Thanks.

I'll be jerking off in my car
once I drop you off.

- All right. Yeah.
- Yeah, same.

Okay.

- Thank you.
- You know what?

I think I changed my mind.

- Nope, too late.
- f*ck!

Hey. Got your bag.

Thanks.

You know, I'm really happy
that you're--

you're gonna get the help
that you need.

I know
I might not say this a lot,

and I know it's probably
f*cking hell working for me.

I can't imagine.

f*ck, that must be rough.

- No, it's--
- I mean, just--

I know you just genuinely
care about me,

and I really appreciate it.

Don't think that I take it
for granted, you know?

I mean, I may not know
your girlfriend's name.

- I am sorry.
- It's, uh, Lizzie.

- Lizzie? Oh.
- Yeah.

I think I'm gonna propose
to her.

Oh, really?

Sorry I won't be able
to make it to the wedding,

but I'm really proud
and happy for you

that you found someone,
'cause you deserve that.

We haven't--
we haven't set a date yet.

Yeah, I'm not gonna be able
to make it.

I just--I really appreciate
everything you do for me, man.

I just--I love you, man.

You know, like a brother.

Like, you are my brother.

And I'm rambling.

I just...

just, yeah, this.

Want you to have that, so...

Oh, it's the gift card

that your agent got you
last week.

Yeah, it's Carbone.

- Yeah.
- And I know you love Carbone.

I really wanted you to have it.

Yeah, I think I used
most of this

when we ordered delivery
the other day, but--

You could at least get
the focaccia.

- Yeah, focaccia's good.
- The focaccia.

It's so fun to bring a date.

You could bring Leslie there.

- Lizzie.
- Lizzie.

It doesn't matter.

Yeah, I really love you, man.

And I really--

I love working with you.

"For." You work for me.

And same.

Okay.

Please don't die.

That's it.

Whoa, what's going on here,
g*y boys?

Pete, you wanted to talk, my G?

Yeah, just, uh, take a seat.

I'll be with you in a sec.

All right.

What's up, Ev?

Look, man, this isn't--

this isn't easy for me to do, okay?

I just want you to know that.

Okay.

It's over, bro.

Party's over.

What?

I gotta get help, bro.

I gotta get help.

I gotta make a f*cking
real change in my life.

And I can't be doing that
if you're still around.

I'm sorry if I did something.

You don't have to be sorry.

You did nothing wrong.

In fact, you didn't do
anything much at all.

I don't regret the time we had.

I look back on it fondly,
and I will forever.

Even when you're gone.

Hall of Fame run, my G.

We f*cking did that sh*t, man.

Yeah. We did.

We did that sh*t, you know?

I mean, I--I did it,
but you watched.

Can I have a shot?

My G.

Cheers.

Ah, nice.

I best be off
to rehab now, huh?

Yeah, man.

Take care, Crilly.

You too, my G.

Thanks.

Let me know
if you need anything.

I won't.

And we're rolling.

Camera mark.

I have been wanting
to do this for a long time.

Go for it.

I missed the f*cking--

Should I do it again?

Cut.