01x07 - The Hunt

[bunniefuu]

[hunting call plays on trumpet]

[curtains screeching]

[solemn music playing]

This is where we're gonna have the hunt

Your wings are blocking the view.

in my beautiful playground.

Bogdan, what's the most important thing

when it comes to hunting?

- You, Jan Paweł?

- [laughs] No.

But that's a very good answer.

What I was looking for is "safety first."

Whenever you give g*ns to men,

women, and children above the age of four,

check the surroundings for bystanders

who may get shot by accident.

Jan Paweł?

- Oh, that's not good.

- [music stops]

Another reason to insist

on mandatory driving lessons.

We're just on a routine forest patrol,

and we've come upon obvious proof

of a traffic code violation.

[man groaning]

When we find the idiot responsible,

justice will be ruthless.

- Probably a Tatar road hog.

- [man groans]

[Jan Paweł] Well, well.

- Who do we have here, Bogdan?

- Ha! A drunkard.

[man groaning]

[Jan Paweł] Hey!

What's your name, drunkard?

- And what are you wearing?

- [man mumbles]

- [thuds]

- [cheerful folk music playing]

I'm in such a good mood. [chuckles]

Because someone has recently brought

new enjoyment into my world.

- [glass clinks]

- We're entertaining a magnate's son.

- Into our world.

- [goblet thuds loudly]

- He's a real golden boy.

- [whispers] Yes.

- Ah, more wine.

- [bottle clinks]

Chop, chop, chop.

What I like

about the magnate's son is that

his father has a title.

[wooden spoon whipping]

[sublime classical music playing]

[music stops]

[snorting]

[laughs euphorically]

[inhales sharply]

- [sighs contentedly]

- [back cracks]

- [hands tapping]

- [cheerful folk music resumes]

Ah! Big merci for towing us.

- [clatters]

- [sniffs] My father's carriages

[sips, groans]

[swallows, sniffs]

- are good for the scrapyard.

- [chuckles politely]

You'll have snuff with me

[sniffs]

won't you, Jan Pawełly?

[snuff tube tapping]

Uh

No. Thank you, though.

It's not really my thing.

Mm. What do you mean? Since when?

You should do a line or two

with our guest, my lord. [chuckles]

[man] Listen to your wife, man! Come on!

[Jan Paweł laughs nervously]

[sniffs, groans]

[snorting]

Ooh. [laughing]

[Jan Paweł coughing]

- And your daughter?

- Sorry, sir?

[Jan Paweł sneezes loudly, coughs]

This isn't her.

Move along, Marianna.

- Our daughter is prettier.

- [laughs]

I adore pretty things.

[laughs] Juicy ones too.

Oh! [laughs] Did you hear that?

- Just like our Aniela. [laughs]

- [man laughs]

I'll go fetch her.

[gentle music playing]

[snorts]

- [frogs croaking]

- [water swishing gently]

[music stops]

Hey.

Hey.

[Maciej] Are you painting yourself?

[inhales] My father's planning

to m*rder innocent animals in the forest,

so I'm ruining my portrait in protest.

Listen.

I'd like to apologize.

- Apologize?

- About the thing that I said

I acted like a real idiot.

You can admit when you're wrong.

I appreciate that.

I don't know too many guys

who can do that, Maciej.

And I don't know any girls

whose dream isn't

to marry a magnate's son

and bear his children.

[sighs] Just to be clear,

a relationship with a magnate's son

holds zero interest for me.

[Zofia] Aniela!

Come and establish a relationship

with a magnate's son!

- [horse neighs]

- [Zofia] And step on it!

- [paint brush clatters]

- [palette clatters]

[crickets chirping]

- [gentle music resumes]

- [Aniela sighs]

On behalf of Orzyc River Cruises,

I'd like to welcome you aboard.

Besides limited legroom,

we have mousetraps under our seats,

So, whatever you do,

don't reach down there.

For your onboard confessional needs,

we have our stern priest

who'll get you into heaven

in the unlikely event we hit rock bottom.

- Off we go.

- [merry lute music playing]

Bogdan, get in.

Come on. We're late.

Don't be silly. Hop on.

I'm traveling on business today.

Our services are needed,

to perform an exorcism on a villager.

Demand and supply, right?

I invited Bogdan along for some backup.

I still don't know why your dad

wouldn't let us take a wagon.

Cruising is, by far,

the safest means of transport.

According to statistics,

the chances of you dying

in a boating accident are

something like one in eleven.

- [classical music playing]

- This is our family's prized arquebus.

Génial! Have you ever k*lled anyone

or anything with it yourself?

Of course I have.

A wild boar and two ducks.

- Or three. [chuckles]

- [man laughs]

[chewing loudly]

No humans?

[music grows tense]

[laughs maliciously]

And what about you? Are you involved

in running the family business

with your father?

Nope. I'm studying in France.

- Oh! Do you have exams soon?

- I don't know. I think they're now.

[laughing boisterously]

[Zofia laughing disingenuously]

- [man] Oh là là! Bébé!

- [Zofia chuckles]

You must be the family's second

prized arquebus.

Sir Henryk, our daughter Aniela.

Sweetheart, I must say you look like

a blushing bride in that dress.

What a shame

you don't have a fiancé to go with it.

Henryk Lubopolski,

of the Lubopolskis.

Aniela Adamczewska,

of these Adamczewskis.

[laughs boisterously] A humorous one.

Yes, she has at least four humors.

[laughs] Jan, let's snuff! [chuckles]

- [continues laughing]

- [tense music plays]

[water swishing gently]

[Bogdan] How about we do

something to pass the time?

Do you know the game where I say a word,

and then you say a word

that starts with the last letter

of my word?

Yeah. Think so.

I'll let you go first.

Rations.

Sainthood.

Rations.

Sainthood.

Did I win the round?

I think it's a tie.

[dark music playing]

[music crescendos, stops]

So Henryk's father cracked

the Hundred Richest Poles list.

[pounding on door]

They currently own 90% of the resources

and assets of the entire Polish nation.

Of course, we're hoping

that as our country continues

to expand and develop,

that the chokehold on wealth and ownership

will be reserved to ten Poles at the most.

Sadly, we have some stubborn competition

vying for a spot in the top ten.

- Ow!

- [folk music playing]

- [rooster crows in the distance]

- [birds chirp]

I heard you have a visitor. Hm.

Come in, girls.

[music stops]

[cow moos]

[door creaks, slams]

[snorting]

[laughs euphorically]

[claps, sighs deeply]

[gulps, sighs]

And Tereska's great on the organ.

Oh.

[Zofia] Tereska?

I'm wondering if that ugly scar

on your shoulder still oozes.

[fire crackling]

[sighs]

It's your turn, Aniela.

I'm wondering what's your hidden talent?

[Jan Paweł breathes anxiously]

Well, my talents are many, Henryk.

But my favorite is quietly escaping

from a crowded room.

Ooh.

[Aniela] Have a nice day.

- [Andrzej snickers quietly]

- [footsteps receding]

[laughing boisterously]

[laughs disingenuously]

- It's magic!

- [Henryk and Jan Paweł laugh]

It reminds me of my ex

and my first cousin! [laughs]

She had a mouth on her too.

- [laughs]

- Your ex or your cousin?

They're the same person, Adam.

It's "Andrzej."

Eh, never mind. Adam, Andrzej.

It's close enough.

- [dramatic music playing]

- [door shuts]

Aniela! What's the matter with you?

Henryk adores you.

Don't blow this opportunity!

He's a child.

Besides that, he's a drug addict.

Just a minor snuff problem.

Anyway, would you rather have

a good husband with no money

or a crappy husband

with substance abuse issues,

but money out his you-know-what?

- This is a rhetorical question.

- Precisely.

- [cow moos in the distance]

- [Zofia sighing]

You know what the problem with knights

rushing to the damsel's rescue is?

The concept of mutual

consent is foreign to them.

- [somber music playing]

- [crows cawing]

We've arrived at the house

of the serf who wants to pay me

to drive the evil spirit

from his daughter.

Uh, I'll be honest.

After the whole fake Jesus fiasco,

I'm skeptical about the whole

"possessed by the devil" thing.

In general, I'm a rational guy

and don't subscribe to metaphysical ideas.

With the exception of my God and

all the rest.

Father. Father. [kisses]

Bless you for your presence.

- Something's wrong with our Dobrusia.

- The devil has claimed her soul.

The bill needs to be settled upfront.

During the exorcism,

the devil tempts me to jack my rates.

[laughs]

- Where's the girl?

- In her room.

[wind whistling]

[Bogdan] Weird.

The girl has her own room?

- [Jakub] No wonder she's losing it.

- [distorted bird calls echo]

[somber music intensifies]

- Ah.

- [goblet clatters]

I'm bored!

I need shenanigans.

Shen Shenanigans?

Sure. Shen Shenanigans.

Naturally. [laughs nervously]

Something fun.

- Some dancing.

- Right.

Jan Paweł. Bust a move for us, will you?

[both breathe nervously]

[Henryk] Dance!

[Jan Paweł] Ugh.

[feet stamping]

[singing gibberish]

- [Andrzej laughs]

- [continues singing]

[Henryk] You too!

[sighs]

- [Jan Paweł continues singing gibberish]

- [laughs boisterously]

And you too! Get in there! [laughs]

[Jan Paweł singing gibberish]

- Yes!

- [goblet clatters]

At last, we're having fun.

- [singing continues]

- [Henryk laughing]

What else is there? I'm getting bored.

We thought you might enjoy

hunting boar this afternoon.

- [singing stops]

- [tense music plays]

f*cking A!

[arquebus c*ck]

- Don't sh**t! Please!

- [trigger clicks]

- [Andrzej gasps in shock]

- [gasps]

[laughing madly]

[Jan Paweł and Andrzej laugh

disingenuously]

- [clicks, c*ck]

- [screams happily]

- [laughing madly]

- [laughing disingenuously]

[somber music builds]

[crows cawing]

First of all,

you're having a really bad hair day.

Where is your comb?

[in unknown language and ominous voice]

Arghav vard

agrah vizars.

German.

- [bones cracking]

- [music intensifies]

You're addressing a man of the cloth.

You should sit up straight.

[growls]

Bogdan, this young lady deserves

to be spanked.

[bones crack]

[glass shatters]

[laughs diabolically]

[Bogdan] If she's not an at-risk teen,

I don't know who is.

- [bones crack]

- [growls]

We've been members

of the local animal lovers club for years.

We mostly go after deer,

wild boar, and pheasant,

but we love to k*ll anything

that moves as well.

[groans drunkenly]

- It's time to release the falcon.

- [laughs]

- Sorry, I'm afraid we don't have one.

- No?

- What do we have?

- Dogs.

- Huh?

- Release the beasts!

[dogs barking]

- [growling]

- Doggies! [kissing] Ah.

- [Henryk] Oh.

- Yes. The Dachshund.

The national dog of Poland.

- Mieszko, Chrobry and Fafik.

- [dogs continue growling]

All right.

I'm bored!

[groans]

- I say we have a contest!

- Uh A contest?

[Henryk] What did I just say, Adam?

- Are you a half-wit?

- He is.

The team that kills the best supper

wins my respect for the day.

[Zofia] We're here.

[Henryk] Oh.

We need to split into teams

and decide who goes

in the forest with whom.

- Uh, I'll go with my dad.

- [Henryk] Uh?

Aw. She admires her old man. [laughs]

[Henryk] Uh. I need someone

to carry my wine jug.

So

[Henryk groaning loudly]

Let's go!

[dog barks, growls]

- ["Morning Mood" by Edvard Grieg playing]

- [birds singing]

[music stops]

- [cuckoo sings]

- [Henryk] These trees are pathetic.

All my dad's trees are twice this big.

[cuckoo sings]

[soft growling]

- [wine sloshing]

- Quiet.

Do you hear that?

Hear what?

[gasps quietly] I know that sound.

That growl.

[tense music playing]

It's a bear.

[Henryk farts]

[laughs boisterously]

I just adore simpletons.

You're so easy to make fun of.

[laughing]

Ah Have you been living

in this dump for a while?

I came here a few months ago, sir.

[spits]

Do you know your lord's daughter? [sniffs]

Of course.

I mean, everyone does.

Ah. What does everyone say about her?

[slurps]

That she's a really great person.

Really smart

and caring.

Oh. Perfect.

She's just the kinda girl I need

to be my first wife.

- [slurps, swallows]

- [cup clatters]

[suspenseful music playing]

- [Aniela] Dad, don't!

- [whimpers]

- No! [gasps]

- [blasts]

- Ah [panting]

- Aniela.

[Jan Paweł sighs]

- We would've won the contest.

- [scoffing]

I can't stand by

while you k*ll creatures for sport.

Sweetheart What's gotten into you again?

[sighs]

Animals need exercise,

and inviting them

to the hunt gives them that.

You're stressing them out.

Stress is good.

It teaches them to survive.

I'm trying to bag a husband

for you, darling.

But you're really not making it easy.

I've told you a thousand times,

the last thing I wanna do

is marry a magnate's son.

Yeah?

Really.

I thought you meant the opposite.

When you told me,

"I don't wanna marry a magnate's son,"

you were trying to say,

"I wanna marry a magnate's son."

You know, like you women always do.

[chuckles] Do you really want me

to spend the rest of my life

with that buffoon, Dad?

[cuckoo singing]

- [Jan Paweł sighs]

- [Aniela scoffs gently]

I admit, he does get on my nerves.

[sighs]

Okay, Aniela.

I'll give it some thought.

Anyway, we're out of the competition.

[cuckoo continues singing]

Not yet we're not.

[ominous tone rises]

Our attempts to discipline the girl

were to no avail.

- We have theories about that.

- [Dobrusia growls]

I think the failure's due

to cultural differences.

Because, as so often happens

in today's society,

foreigners do not assimilate well

into Polish culture.

Please refrain

from cracking your pelvic bones

when your elders are speaking.

- [bones cracking]

- [growling]

I see it differently.

Basically, I see this

as a textbook example

of loosy-goosy parenting.

[retches, spits]

[shrieks]

[roars diabolically]

Could be food poisoning.

- [Dobrusia whispering indistinctly]

- Tell us what you've had to eat lately.

Give her a kerchief.

Her face is disgusting.

[growling]

- [dramatic music playing]

- [Bogdan screams]

- [Dobrusia roars ghastly]

- [thunder booms, rumbles]

- [Dobrusia shrieks]

- [music intensifies]

[silence falls]

[Dobrusia] What happened?

[elongated] Oh!

You're not getting off that easy.

Go think in the corner!

Bogdan?

[clattering]

I found a cookie.

I have to say,

I'm very pleased with today's exorcism.

We rocked it.

Today was a stark reminder

of where we're headed

if we spoil our young people.

[scoffs] Children need structure.

It's comforting to know

that in this ever-changing,

fast-paced world we live in,

villagers are willing to trust two men

and their paternal instincts

to guide a teen

through the onset of puberty.

What can we say?

We deserve a hand.

I agree.

[inspirational music playing]

Jakub, can you picture a world

in which two men would be able

to raise a child as their own?

I'm afraid I can't dream that big,

my friend.

Hm

Let's hit the road.

[ominous music plays]

- [blows]

- [birds singing]

[sucking]

[puffs]

[coughs]

So [gasps, coughs]

What you're saying is

that she has foul breath,

and she's flat-footed?

- That's what they tell me, sir.

- [breathes intensely]

You got vicious tongues in your village.

Maybe. Except that's how she is.

And she's stupid.

Someone once asked her

what two plus two is.

You know what she said?

Two plus two is close to 138.

Huh. When I asked earlier

you told me she's brilliant.

Mm. Those were our instructions

from her parents.

They're trying hard to pawn her off

to some poor sucker.

I'll just have to teach her everything.

I think we'll start

with what happens in the marital bed.

[moaning loudly]

Ah

You want to know what I really suspect?

That you're the one

who's trying to pull the wool

over my eyes.

You're telling me all these lies

because you don't want Lord Henryk

to snatch the girl you're in love with.

You want to keep what's-her-name

all to your lowly peasant self.

[sighs]

I promise I'll think of you whenever

I enter her.

[Maciej huffs angrily]

[Henryk grunts, coughs]

- [laughs]

- [tense music plays]

[inhales] Ah

Finally, there's some action, huh?

But you'll hang for it.

[laughing]

Lord Henryk! I didn't mean it! Wait!

Please, wait!

Lord Henryk!

- Here it is.

- [classical music playing]

The greatest k*ll of the hunt. A boar.

I merely grazed the vicious beast,

but my valiant daughters finished it off

with their bare hands.

Seriously, ladies?

Whatever it takes,

if it gets us a f*cking palace.

Huh. And how did you fare, Jan Paweł?

Extremely well,

as you can see from our trophy.

Huh. Are those tomatoes?

You call that a hunting trophy?

Yes, I do.

Eating lots of fruits and vegetables is

the latest trend in nutrition.

It's good for digestion.

That's ridiculous.

You're disqualified.

- Wojciech?

- Mm-hmm?

- When was the last time you ate meat?

- I don't remember, my lord.

You see, Andrzej?

Even peasants are giving up meat.

Maybe your Jeremi would've fared better

in the duel if he had eaten more veggies!

Just keep flapping your gums, Jan Paweł.

All talk, no action.

But you know who is getting some action?

Remember our friend Ciesław?

The one with the wife

whose fingers fell off?

I went to see him to strike

a deal after your big duel.

[laughing maliciously]

He's agreed to sell my grain

across the Netherlands.

- And I'll make bags of cash. This big.

- [Jan Paweł] You?

And why didn't he make me such an offer?

[Andrzej] He did. You're an idiot

who wouldn't listen to him.

This is gonna put me in another league.

I'll become a magnate,

buy all of Adamczycha,

and never have to look at your no-good,

lying, rotten face again.

But first, I'm gonna marry my daughter

to that idiot.

Over my dead body!

- [leaves rustling]

- [Jan Paweł] An elk!

- This'll get me first place.

- Keep dreaming.

I'll be the most famous Jan Paweł

in the history of Poland,

and no one will to stop me!

And I'll be the greatest Andrzej

in the world!

- I'm faster than you are.

- [Andrzej] Like hell you are!

- [b*ll*ts blast]

- [splatters]

[music stops]

[tomatoes thudding]

[spurting]

[thuds]

Holly f*ck.

[leaves rustling]

[thunder rumbles in the distance]

I'm a big enough man to say it, Jan Paweł.

You were faster.

[breathing shakily]

I'd like to think so,

but I just loaded my g*n.

What?

Then fire it.

- [inhales, puffs]

- [scoffs]

- You just k*lled Henryk Lubopolski.

- I didn't. You were faster.

I don't think that's

what really matters right now, you two.

Are you saying that we shouldn't worry?

No, I mean

you better get your stories straight

for whomever comes looking.

They'll miss him, eventually.

[mysterious music playing]

- [music stops]

- [birds singing and trilling]

[exhales forcefully] Uh

What tragic accident occurred here

earlier this morning.

- A magnate's son

- Uh, Henryk Lubopolski.

Yeah. Uh

was driving his carriage through here,

when an elk suddenly surged onto the road.

- An elk.

- Yeah.

And said elk spooked the horse.

Unfortunately, this happened

after Henryk had taken lots of snuff.

Mm Which made it hard

for him to control the carriage.

He was k*lled

when his carriage crashed into a tree.

Yes.

And his head exploded like a melon.

[sublime classical music playing]

[merry folk music playing]

[dramatic classical music playing]

[concluding note plays]

[bright classical music playing]

[gentle instrumental music playing]

[lute music playing]

[dark music playing]

[music stops]