02x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

SPORADIC BANGING

BANGING CONTINUES

The scenes at the Eel Cafe
last night

was like something out of
a Ken Russell film.

Took the fire brigade an hour
to free Derek's p*nis

from a tree hollow.

Poor old John is still in a trance,

mumbling about witches
in the wood.

Farmer Beelzebub has been waiting in
A&E for six hours

with severely burnt testicles
after crawling into a pizza oven

cos he thought the sky
was falling on him.

CONTINUING ON RADIO: Agnes Watkins,
Theresa Watkins.

Call it what you like -
spiking, drugging -

I call it witchcraft.

It's no co-incidence that
the spell was cast on

the eve of the Watkins sisters'
annual witches' supper.

I dread to think what they took from
those poor men

for their witches' brew while they
were half mad.

Hair?

Saliva?

My apologies, semen?

Those mushrooms could
have been fatal.

FATAL!

Those men could be dead now.

The time for talking is over.

What's needed now is action.

And its high time I took
the law into my own hands.

And, mark my words,
I will grasp that law firmly,

and milk it for everything
that it's got

until I get the results I want.

Back after this.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

Shut up.

Idiot.

Ryan found these unopened in
the cabinet.

I don't need them.
I'm feeling fine.

You don't look fine.

It's none of your business, Joy,
not any more.

Come on, Jim,
it was never gonna work.

We're too different.
You say potato, I say potato.

The damage you women leave behind.

You can't keep blaming
the women in your life.

You using me like
a piece of meat has nothing to do

with my mother leaving me at
the Leigh Delamere services.

Please, take them, Jim.

Not until I've led our men
to victory.

I think you crave
chaos as a deflection.

HE LAUGHS

Where'd you read that?

Spiritual Guru Digest?

Cod Psychology Monthly?

Nah, I've had enough of this, Joy.
I need to get on.

The time is 8:30.

Today marks 200 days
before Pancake Day.

So... that's something
to look forward to.

I am a lemon and sugar man.

Ah, here she comes.
Somert urgent, she said.

What's so important, town mouse?

Well, it's... it's quite a big
one, so...

Ooh! Not pregnant, are you?

Oh, no. I...I'm out the other side
of all that now, Tree.

Done the dirty with an animal!

What? No, course I haven't.

Was it a muntjac?

A muntjac? I don't know what
that is. Ooh! Not an eel, was it?

SHE LAUGHS

You know what? It doesn't matter.
It... it was nothing.

No, forget about it.
Linda, Linda.

No, no, the moment's passed.

It absolutely hasn't, Linda.
It has. No, it hasn't.

Stop being so bloody sensitive.
Come here now. Tell us.

Come on, Linda.
You really want to know? Yes!

Yes, Linda, we do.

So, I...

I'm your half-sister.

Are...

...er, you gonna s-say something,
or...?

But what do you want us to say?

I don't know.

Well, what did you say to Ryan?

Nothing. We just gave them a hug.

Aw.

Oh, oh, no, let's... let's
do that later, Linda, eh?

Cos I'm dead comfy now, so...

No.

I've worked it out,
in case you're interested,

which you're obviously not.

And I now realise
that's why we kept coming here

when I was little.

Not because Mum wanted to spend
"quality time" with me and Siobhain,

but because she wanted
to see your dad. Our dad.

Right.

Well, that is NOT how I imagined
that going at all.

In any way.

Not quite Danny Dyer on
Who Do You Think You Are?

but there you go.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Janet.

Oh, I'm really sorry.
Yeah, no, I'm on my way.

I'll be there in 20 minutes.

SHE SIGHS

SHE SCOFFS

Panini?

Mm! Yeah?

Put some little cheese
ba*ls on the side.

SHE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY

BELL RINGS

Hey, leave the Eel sisters
out of your witch hunt.

They had nothing to do
with the spiking.

It was my mistake.

I didn't know my stinkhorn
from my hen-of-the-woods.

Hmm!

I'm coming for you, Linda Jenkins.
Mm-hm.

So you best be ready,
cos I'm coming. Mm?

Do you hear me?
I'm coming.

Ooh!

You come yet?

That's 20 quid, please.

Aww!

Sorry I'm late, Janet.
Something came up.

Lead by example, Linda.
That's the third time now.

Sorry.

Oh, off out?

No. I always wear this
when I have a good idea.

The spiking's thrown a bit of
a spanner in the negotiations.

Oh, why?
It's unnerved the men.

But it was an accident.
But the men don't see it like that.

They're saying the experience
has left them feeling violated,

humiliated, eel-masculated.

Eel-masculated?

It's like emasculated,
but with eels.

I've, er... I've looked into it,

and I think I might be able to move
some money around local budgets.

WHISPERS:
Siphon it from "elsewhere."

Get the women £85 and 63 pence
per month. Oh!

It's a bit iffy,
but what council isn't?

Oh, well done, Janet.

How about...

...mandatory housework training?

Like conscription,
but for chores, not wars.

Pig Man could lead it.
He was born wiping, that man.

We could think of a catchy name
for it.

Er...

Clean-scription.
No.

Pan-scription.
Absolutely not.

National cervix.

Stop now, Janet.

VOICES OVERLAP:
Blessing be upon you,

O wondrous Spirits of the Dead

and honour you on this sacred night.

Until you be refreshed
and reborn again in perfect love,

we bid you each a fond farewell.

♪ I'll turn into a witch tonight

♪ How did you happen to find me, sir?

♪ Thought no-one could see me now

♪ I didn't put my clothes on

♪ The bubble that you left then

♪ I think it's safer than the cold

♪ Not too late to go home now

♪ I'll chew the pill for you

♪ And I'm flying away

♪ But I think I saw some turbines

♪ Turning beneath me

♪ Don't waste your pearls on me

♪ I'm only a pig, I'm only a pig

♪ I'm only a pig,
I'm only a pig

♪ Slept beside... ♪

All right, lads,
settle down, settle.

Like to say a few words, if I may.

Tonight we make history!

ALL: Yes!

We take back control!
ALL: Yes!

We make men great again!

THEY CHEER

♪ Ploughed the ground Good for you

♪ Could grow some plants
if you wanted to... ♪

Hold your nerve.

Stand firm!

Be not afraid...

...for victory... awaits!

THEY CHEER

Let's k*ll the b*tches!

SILENCE FALLS
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, Brian.

No.

That's not what we're doing here.
Eh?

♪ Broke the zip inside my stomach

♪ Blood dripping down onto the broom

♪ Off the broom and into the sky

♪ Mixed with your tears
seeped to the ground

♪ And I'm flying away
but I think... ♪

Oh, has everyone been for a wee-wee?
ALL: Yes.

Cos I...I'm not gonna be stopping
ten times on the way. We know.

Right? OK.

Right, grab your torches
and placards.

The Women's Revolt is over.

Tonight the night we show them
what revolting looks like!

THEY CHEER

♪ Without a broom or bubble

♪ You learnt to fly all by yourself

♪ You could see through the mess

♪ You chose to float above us. ♪

INDISTINCT SPEECH

TENSE MUSIC BUILDS

MEN CLAMOUR AND BANG

Theresa Watkins, Agnes Watkins,
Linda Jenkins,

I am arresting you under the 1603
Act Against Conjuration Witchcraft

And Dealing With Evil And
Wicked Spirits.

MURMURS OF APPROVAL

We've turned a blind eye
to your dead witches' suppers

for the best part of four decades.
Well, I am ending them tonight,

in accordance with ancient forest
rules

within said hundred of
Speech House Lake.

Tie 'em up, boys.

Come on. Right.
Who's got the rope?

I ain't got it.
I told you to bring it.

Oh, for God's sake!

I mean...

Right, er, you-you-you may
not wish to say something.

Er, if you, er...

What is it?

Er, it may harm what you...
Anything you say may be taken

in evidence, so help you God!

Right, up against the wall, women.

Who's got the handcuffs?
Get the handcuffs.

Not me. I ain't got any.

Well, what kind
of ambush is this, Brian?

Jim, Jim, I think
it's all gone a bit too far.

Huh?! This ain't feeling right
to me.

I've got the willies.

I think I just got swept up
in it all,

but what you're doing here is wrong,

and I can't, in good conscience,
be a part of it no more.

Oh, God.

Sorry, ladies,
you look... right beautiful.

I like your feathers.
Oh, for God's...

Sorry, ladies.

You will be incarcerated
for desertion for this, Brian!

Incarcerated! Do you hear me?

Good riddance.
DOOR SLAMS

Ha! Ha!

I don't need anyone else
to help restore natural order

to this town. You women don't
scare me. I will not be silen...

THUD

CLEARS THROAT

Lovely. Thanks.