01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

So it begins, my gruelling penance.

Your holiday. Don't be discouraged

by the deluge, Aaron.

Paradise awaits.

I don't know why you bothered

to bring a tent.

We're about to enter the lap

of luxury.

No reason, Aaron, but when was your

last tetanus jab?

Rachel. Miss. How did you know I was

here?

Deduction.

The library was closed.

The sixth form common room

has become a kind of pit.

I knew you'd take refuge here.

Did you confiscate someone's

vodka bottle?

Confiscate.

Yes, yes. Yes,

let's go with that.

So, slight admin error.

This is the login for your uni

applications. OK.

I've got ages for these.

If you're applying for core

subjects, then, yes,

you get three months. You pick

medicine,

the window is narrower.

How much narrower?

Three months narrower.

Applications close at midnight.

I think I'm having a panic attack.

You look fine.

I've learned to hide them.

If it helps,

I've definitely screwed up

my own life more than yours.

I can't do this, miss.

I have classes.

I have an important date

with my boyfriend tonight.

We met a month ago today. I can

excuse you from your other classes.

And if you need me to call

your boyfriend and tell him

that one-month anniversaries aren't

a thing, I can.

I'd do that for you.

Go to my room, log into my computer.

The password's J-O-E-L.

Joel?

Your ex? Yes.

It's unhealthy, and it's a weak

password.

Oh

I'm going to call you other

teachers.

Let's go with medical emergency.

Do you still have your appendix?

Yes. Right.

From now on, remember - you don't.

Precious Lord

Take my hand ♪

Agh!

..Lead me on ♪

That's a lovely placard.

Yes.

Wanted everyone to know

just how precious this tree is.

Sometimes I see birds on it

and I think, "Hey, get off my wife!"

Well, it's good you commemorating

her in a healthy way.

Do you still have the ring?

Yes. She asked me to keep it safe.

It's just that, at night,

sometimes I miss it so much

I feel like running to your door

and demanding it from you.

Fiona, give me my ring back!

This door won't stop me!

Andrew, I'll leave you to talk to

your wife.

Hiya. Just stocking up for

girls' night. Look.

Gift me store manager.

I hope that's not alcoholic wine.

Of course not.

I respect your deranged beliefs.

Is Andrew OK?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, miss, I'm about halfway through.

Could you proof-read what I've got?

Absolutely.

Here's what I would say

if I hadn't just been suspended.

What?!

And I've not got long.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm just

going to start packing my stuff.

I'm also taking some things

I don't own but I do want.

How did this happen?

Is it because you lied

about my appendix? No.

It'll take months for that to get

exposed.

Last night, I booty-called my ex.

He said he'd moved on.

I didn't handle it well.

And now there's a video online of me

swallowing a shot glass whole.

And the video got you suspended?

Once the headmistress found out

that I'd forwarded the clip

to the entire parents' mailing list.

But miss Not miss any more,

Rachel, just Susie Simmonds.

A basic alliterative b*tch.

Should you be saying that word?

Well, I can say anything I want now.

It's the only perk.

Five minutes of packing immunity,

and then I go from teacher

to presumed paedophile.

Hey, you can do this.

And don't worry about me.

I'll either clean up

or carry on drinking until I die.

Both paths have their benefits.

But what about the computer?

I'm sure my replacement

will let you use it.

Oh, Miss Simmons said I could

My room. Get out.

Good news. I was worried about this

leaky butane can

but it's completely empty.

Not our problem now.

My penance is going great.

I feel manlier than Adam's rib.

My roof patch is holding well.

It's bulging down like an ominous

watery blister.

It's holding well.

Why did you bring me here, Dad?

You're getting baptised

in a couple of weeks.

I thought it'd be good to Talk

about my drawings.

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No. The drawings are fine.

Nothing I find uncomfortable here.

There's Jesus washing Peter's feet,

just like in the Gospel.

Admit it!

You brought me to this cursed misery

barn to ask me about my drawings.

So ask me!

Why did you

..choose charcoal for

this particular composition?

I just want you to be OK, Aaron.

I'd do anything to help you.

Then take us home. No, because

If you're going to make me

stay here, I'll survive on my own!

You take this half,

and I'll take that half.

Don't be petty, Aaron.

How would we even mark out

which side was?

Right! If you want to banish me,

fine.

But you're not as smart as you

think you are,

because you gave me the side

with the tent.

Julia, you said I could borrow

your laptop. Uh-huh.

Just move a bit to the left.

A bit more.

You've got me blocking the CCTV.

You've made me an accomplice

to a crime. Yeah.

But if you move, you will

have betrayed a friend.

You're trapped in a moral prison.

Now, stay there until I get

all the twenties.

This is the worst day of my life.

Can I please have the laptop now?

Sure you're ready for it? There's

some dark stuff on there.

The thumbnails alone

will take your innocence.

Please Give me some juice first.

Your hints of lukewarm gossip

sustain me.

I'm seeing Joshua tonight

for our one-month anniversary.

What the f*ck is

a one-month anniversary?

It's been one month since God

brought us together.

You're not serious? Yeah.

Look, he made me this invite.

"For one night only, you're invited

to Romance Central."

Oh, my God, you're soulmates!

Destiny has united you as the

lamest, most boring couple possible.

If you had a kid, you'd give birth

to a water biscuit

or a ream of printer paper

or a dry felt tip.

You're boring.

You're a boring woman.

It's not boring.

There's a picture of his head

on James Bond.

Ah, the body of a 1960s misogynist

on the head of a present-day dweeb.

What did you say his name was again?

Joshua. Why?

No reason.

Happy for you.

Sometimes the old ways are the best.

How's it going, Dad?

I'm on the verge of a breakthrough.

Found the connector?

I'm sure it's here somewhere. Ahem!

Aaron, if you have any love

for your father,

you'll pass that to me now.

I brought you here to cheer

you up, Aaron.

And you have succeeded.

Got any wine glasses?

Buying vessels designed for alcohol

would be a gateway to vice,

but there are mugs top right.

Right, Conquistadors it is.

Is it a religious show?

It has a lot of religious imagery.

OK, that label is for me

girlfriend.

If this is another guy looking

for sex No, it's me.

But just so you know

Oh, come on up.

Hey, you.

Josh, um, what are you wearing?

A tailcoat. I wanted a tux

about the charity shop

gave me a great deal.

Apparently, this used to be owned

by a funeral director

who himself died. Wow. OK.

You didn't need to tell me that.

No, before I come in

Ta-da!

Fancy, right?

I've got an actual table.

What's up?

I'm so sorry.

I have this uni application.

My teacher sprung it on me,

and the deadline is tonight.

OK.

Are you sure?

I mean, it's a big deal, obviously.

A one-month, but your uni thing

might be bigger,

so you work.

Are you gonna be OK?

I'll keep myself entertained.

I'm going out now so I can share

with you my darkest secret.

Those are both games. No.

They're my friend since leaving the

order.

This box claims to need three to

five players.

But after my modifications,

it's a single-player thrill ride.

And you keep them in the kitchen.

This is just overspill.

These are me Euro games. Living

room's got w*r games,

bedroom's got deck bills.

In the hallway, I've got my pushy

little dexterity games,

if I want a more tactile

gaming experience.

I've never been to a party.

I don't own an album.

But even to me, you are a lame

duck

OK in a dead guy's tailcoat.

Is that a problem?

No.

All right, you focus on your work.

I'm going to become the most famous

architect in Luxembourg.

Well, I like the series,

but you could have told me

how racy this was.

I said it'd be thought provoking,

and I stand by that.

Which Conquistador do you fancy?

None of them.

Admit it's Ignacio.

I fancy Ignacio.

I'm g*y, not blind.

Hunt me with your dogs,

Inquisition Man.

I will concede he has very athletic

stomach muscles.

They're called abs, Fiona.

Or "abdominales" in Spanish.

More fake wine?

f*ck, no. What, have you run out?

Oh, God.

I think I've given you real

actual, real wine, Fiona.

Please don't be mad.

Aaron, this has gone on long

enough. You're cold.

Will you admit you want

to talk about my drawings?

No.

But I will prove my manhood

by starting a fire.

You don't think it's a good idea

to stake your masculinity on

a half empty box of matches?

It's not half empty.

There are three matches.

The Trinity was good enough for God.

One down.

Agh!

Dad, just admit you don't know

what you're doing.

I can make a fire, Aaron.

Not just a fire. Everything!

Me, Mum, Rachel.

You have no idea what's happening

and what you're supposed to do.

How could you say something

so horrible? Because it's the truth.

But if you'd just admit it,

it all made much more sense.

I can't do that.

I won't.

I still have one match left.

It worked.

I'm a man, Aaron! I'm a man!

It's true.

It's all true.

I haven't got a clue.

I know I want you to be happy.

I want you to be safe.

But I'm a bad dad.

Bad husband.

I can't even make a fire.

I want to be there for you, Aaron.

I really do.

I know.

I think you DID start a fire.

It's very kind of you to say, Aaron.

The sofa's on fire.

Oh, my gosh!

I did it.

I did it.

Dad, I'm breathing in smoke.

Right, yes.

We should leave immediately.

Wow.

She really showed her husband!

What, by cheating on him

with a cruel, colonial overseer?

He had better abdominales.

I'm scared of what I've created.

Sober Fiona would never be

this exciting.

Shush.

I'm exciting.

Do you dare me to put on Andrew's

wedding ring?

Don't get it stuck.

It's stuck. Yeah.

Ohhh.

Oh

God's not going to be happy

with me about that.

That's it.

Luxembourg's first Art-Nouveau

library is complete.

Ten victory points and me

buildings endorsed

by the Grand Duchy.

How are you getting on?

I'm nearly done,

but I can't find my file.

I'm going to have to go

into Julia's downloads.

Pray for my soul.

Oh, my gosh!

You know Julia? What?

Julia, my friend.

There's pictures of you two

at summer camp.

Oh, my gosh!

You guys are friends.

Oh, we should all hang out.

You're GOOD friends!

REALLY good friends

You should talk.

You ruined me with this wine,

Melissa.

You made me open the second bottle.

You ruined me.

Check it out.

I got two husbands -

hot one and a David one.

David's good.

Not like my mum.

She wants me to go to uni.

Now I can't even talk to her.

Did she pass away?

Close. She got

kicked out for adultery.

Spiritually, she's dead.

Like Ignacio.

A sexy mutiny.

Family's pretty messed up.

No wonder you prefer

a 4K sticking plaster to

your own husband.

I don't prefer a sticking plaster.

This is a TV.

I wouldn't look at those flats

if you're feeling sad.

There'll just be someone sadder

staring back.

I once saw a guy throw his

own baby's trike off the balcony.

How about you stop hiding

behind one-liners and explain?

We, um

..hooked up at summer camp.

Hooked up?

We slept together.

That's why I got excluded.

Right.

The first day we met, you said

you didn't want to know,

so I didn't tell you. Rachel,

all I want is for you to feel safe.

I know how hard it is to even

consider leaving the order.

Who said anything about me

leaving the order?

Well, how did you imagine

the future?

Maybe I thought you'd realise

what a lonely life you have

and you'd want to come back.

Beg forgiveness.

Beg forgiveness for the awful,

selfish thing you did.

Rachel!

I'm not coming back.

OK.

Rachel?

Hi. I am looking

for a ticket to Romance Central.

Oh, f*ck off.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Hi. Andrew. Hello.

Hi, Fiona.

Sorry to call so late,

but the pangs of grief have grown

unbearable.

I've come from Mary's wedding ring.

Yeah.

Look, I've considered remarriage,

but Mary was my one.

I don't need two wives in Paradise.

It's not as if they've got

different taste in crockery.

It's just Hmm. Cups and plates.

Is that alcohol on your breath?

Are you are you drunk?

No!

Your voice sounds different.

My voice sounds the same.

Oh, Fiona, if you've turned

to alcohol and you need help

I am not drunk, I swear.

Scout's honour.

Are you wearing Mary's ring?

Oh, no Give it back, please.

It's like when you're a boy but you

have the pecs of a man.

I think you may have got it stuck.

Agh!

Oh, Mary, and your tiny hands!

Come to my house.

I've got some WD-40.

I'll go wherever you take me,

Andrew. Oh

Right, come on!

I can't believe this. I entrusted

you something extremely precious.

Sorry, I think

I think I'm going to

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I'm not going to.

Do you? Yep.

I am.

Mary!

You've defiled Mary!

Sorry, Mary.

You're warm now, right?

I provide for my family.

When we get home,

let's do something fun together.

Anything you want.

There's an exhibition in town.

It's on influential Cubist art.

Aaron, I'd love to take you.

Is there an admission fee?

No. I'd love to take you.

I want you to know about

the drawings.

I may not fully understand them,

but I'm here for you

..even if I am a bad dad.

A competent father could give more

but he could never give as much.

I managed to retrieve this.

On a cross long ago

Our Saviour died one day

To save the souls of men

and wipe their sins away ♪

Rachel!

Mum.

Why is your hair a

destructive plait?

Why are you scraping sick

off a tree?

I'll see you tomorrow.

..On your knees and pray

That dark day our dear Lord

hung there

His body filled with pain

His blood did fall like rain

He lifted up his head to God

Beyond the sky so blue

Forgive them, Father Jesus cried

They know not what they do

On a cross long ago

Our Saviour died one day

If for what he's done

you're thankful ♪

David, I'm so glad you're here!

..Fall on your knees and pray. ♪

Welcome home.

Ooh! What happened to your finger?

Absolutely nothing.

The important thing is, I'm back

with it now

and I won't let our family stray

any further from the path.

How was the trailer?

Gone. What? We burnt it down.

It was great.

Got a surprise for you.

We stopped by the framer's

on the way home.

Is Jesus trying to kiss

John the Baptist?

We'll talk later.

Wow.

Nice eight-pack.

Yeah.

Come on, then.

OK, Aaron. Let's go see those

influential cubes.

On a cross a long ago

Our Saviour died one day

To save the souls of men

and wash their sins away

Now, God had a reason for his Son

to die that day

If for what he's done

you're thankful

Fall on your knees and pray