02x02 - A Boot Loaded With Mass

[bunniefuu]

Right.

He's going to live in your bedroom,
is he?

Unless you want to take him.

I've already got a sex doll under my
bed, Rachel.

OK. Life updates, b*llet points,
though. I value my time.

Uh, Josh is now a clone of his dad,
but I've met someone new who I think

will support the life I want.

Order boys are all the same, Rachel.

The only thing stronger than their
desire for sex

is their fear of sex.

There's really no point in...
Holy sh*t!

This guy's in the Order?

He must have joined recently,
otherwise I'd have ploughed him.

His tattoos are Bible verses.

And my b*ner's dead. OK, chop, chop.

Gotta take this design student
to a craft fair.

She's shy, blonde,

doesn't know she likes girls yet.
She's exactly my type.

I still can't believe you got to go
to uni and I didn't.

Rewarded for dishonesty.

Welcome to the real shitty world.

I love the real shitty world.

Careful!

MOBILE PINGS

Oh, no. To qualify as a paramedic,
I need a driver's licence.

Do you think my parents will pay
for lessons?

Rachel, I'm not committing blasphemy
when I say,

"I am the Lord of the road."

We couldn't just pay for an
intensive course?

Oh, this will be intensive.

Now, rev.

ENGINE REVS GENTLY

I said, "Rev!"

ENGINE REVS LOUDER

Now, lift!

ENGINE STOPS

OK, that was a stall.

That'll happen about a third of the
time.

I'm really worried, Melissa.

Yeah, I can hear David destroying
your car.

You hate that car.

As long as he doesn't k*ll your
daughter, it's all upside.

I mean, about Aaron.

He won't leave his room.

It's match day at church
and he says, now Andrew's lost,

Samson's just going to pair him
with a girl one day.

Sorry, Andrew?

Fiona, do you have any spare
matches?

I'm going to burn all the suits in
my wardrobe. I have matches.

No! Sorry, Andrew, no matches here.

Aw, he looks well.

So, have you spoken to Aaron about
the not liking girls thing?

Um, actually, David handled that
chat.

He took Aaron to an abandoned
trailer.

Sorry, David is handling your
child's sexuality?

That's grounds for calling social
services.

I don't suppose you would...have
a...? Oh, right.

Oh, because I'm the only l*sbian
you know,

you want me to g*y-whisper your
son.

Yeah, all right, then.

That girl has no aptitude for
driving.

Getting her to my level?
We're talking years, probably never.

What's for dinner? Microwave
Shepherd's pie in the fridge.

Hmm. Microwave.

I remember when you used to make it
yourself, with love.

Well, we microwave it now.

Do you want me to put it in for you?

As long as it's done with love.

How did it go?

Right, I've made a deal with Aaron.

He's going to come out of his room
and you're going to plaster

your religious shop with his super
g*y designs. Right.

Why am I doing that?
Cos you're a good mum, Fiona. Yeah.

Well, Abijah's alone,
but at least I can witness

you getting your match.

Maybe I'll even vicariously share in
some of your joy.

Wouldn't that be nice, Josh,

if I vicariously shared in some of
your joy?

FIONA: Oh!

A nice reformed boy who recanted his
sinful ways.

Did you choose him, Rachel?
You may as well tell me.

It's about to be common knowledge.

Surely we find out confidentially?

You'll be wanting to hear your
confidential matches

and here they are,
on the jumbo screen.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Rachel and... Josh, you didn't tell
me your nickname was Jeb.

I don't get it. Who could she
possibly pick over you?

Oh, that guy.

Yeah, that tracks.

Remember to get a chaperone.

One couple has already asked about
so-called physical compatibility -

they'll be given two chaperones.

Josh, can I just say...?

You want space? If I had a penny for
every time people wanted space.

Josh, please don't be angry.
Oh, I'm not angry.

I'm a bit sad, maybe,
but I'll pray on it.

I've got plenty of time to pray -
since I'm unmatched.

Joshua, come meet your match.

But I only chose Rachel.
Yeah, I dealt with that.

This is Heather.

She's modest, polite,
and she's agreed to report

on your actions periodically.

Hi, Heather.
WHISPERS: Hi, Josh.

What?
WHISPERS: Hi, Josh.

Hey? What are you...?
WHISPERS: Hi, Josh. Glad we matched.

We had a great chat.

I don't remember hearing you speak.

STILL WHISPERING: I couldn't shut
up.

Hey. Hey.

SHE SNIFFS LOUDLY

Well, Josh, Rachel may not have
picked you, but I have.

And, in a show of loyalty, I will
chaperone your date with Heather.

Abijah, could you chaperone me and
Rachel? You seem cool.

LAUGHING: Oh, Jeb, I'd be
delighted.

So, it looks like I'm doing Rachel
and Jeb too, double date.

We could do it all together -

more efficient and more fun.

Jeb thinks I'm cool.

DAVID: Rachel, what is that cursed
almanac?

It's the Highway Code.

No.

The only code we follow is the law
of the Almighty.

This car has been baptised in God's
glory.

Why do you think motorists always
give me such a wide berth?

Cos you take motorways in second
gear.

Yes, an advanced manoeuvre.

Is this going to be one of your long
lessons, Dad?

I want my licence, but...I also
have my date later.

She wants a job. She wants a date.

She is the modern woman.

Will we be done by 5pm?

Rachel, allow me to reframe your
question as an insult.

Your driving ability is null.
Here in the wheel world,

you just don't got it.

But I think I know the reason why.

Be honest, are you afraid of
driving?

No. Well, that's why.

Dad! Use the fear, Rachel.

Somewhere inside you is a force,

a force that can find the biting
point.

LOUD CLUNK

What's in the boot?
Many heavy objects. Why?

Just asking that question proves
you're not ready.

q*eer craft market.

I reckon Aaron could find his chosen
family here.

Aren't I his chosen family?

No. You're the f*cked up one he's
stuck with.

Aaron's T-shirts are selling well,

even better than my stock.

Fiona, and I mean this in a nice
way,

your stock is puritanical dross,
but this...

..Noah's Ark with gays going in
two-by-two, your son's a genius.

Oh, g*y Jesus.

This would really aggravate my dad.
How much?

Julia! You two know each other?

We watched a sad man have sex in a
car park together.

You don't forget a bond like that.

Fiona, I'm going to take a break and
talk to Julia

because you don't pay me and I can
do what I want.

How are you doing?

Better.

Thanks for doing this, Mum.

Thank you.

Sales are great, even after my 50%
Order donation.

You give 50% to Samson?

He's supposed to be God's vessel.

You think God's vessel is an irate
h*m*

who makes a Abijah clear asbestos
from the roof by hand?

Guys, Julia can get us into a day
rave. What's a day rave?

It's a rave during the day.
Right. Yes.

What's a rave?

I think you'll like it, Aaron.

Will I like it?

I think you'll find it difficult,
like most things.

DAVID: 20-degree incline,
soul-shaking cobblestones

and a boot loaded with mass.

If you can hill start here,
you can hill start anywhere.

Yeah, I'm not doing this, Dad.
You think it's impossible?

I think it's stupid.

Well, I defy the impossible.

Out of the car.

Crest the hill to witness my
triumph.

I'll see you at the top.

QUIETLY: Faithless child.

ENGINE REVS

Are you beginning to believe?

The Highway Code can't tell
you how to do that.

Ooh.

Oh.

Don't worry.

Quick prayer.

That car will be fine.

PEOPLE SCREAM

Oh.
CAR HORNS BLARE

CAR HORN BEEPS

CAR BRAKES SCREECH

You see?

And now that nice man is making
sure everything is O...

..K.

Do you reckon that would've happened

if you hadn't filled the car
with weights?

Rachel, I don't think that question
helps anyone but yourself.

Yes. Just reporting a stolen
vehicle.

No, it was unlocked and the keys
were inside

after I rolled it down a hill.

Because I filled the boot with
weights to test my daughter.

Sorry, what part of this do you not
understand?

DOOR CLOSES

OK, pass me to a superior.

I'm going to need at least
a sergeant on this.

Dad, I'm getting the bus to my date.

But it should be said, you are a bad
driving instructor. Hmm.

You undertake people.

You use your hazards instead
of indicating.

So the other drivers know I could
go in any direction.

And you tell me to actively
hug the rumble strip.

The strip tells you where you are.

It's your friend, Rachel.

Just take a look at yourself, for a
change.

Sorry, that was just my daughter
telling me to take a look at myself.

Well, who are you to say that she's
right?

Welcome, guys.

Sharpen your spurs and saddle up for
some romance,

cos we are here, in the Wild West,
and anything can happen...

HE LAUGHS

..except for kissing, hand-holding
and touching of any kind.

We are sitting separately, right?

Totally. Er, so you guys over there,
you guys over there.

And I shall be your watchful
sheriff.

We're sat opposite each other.

Hold your horses, Joshua.

You haven't seen...

..the Abijah divider.

So you have privacy from each other,

but not from me. Please don't touch
it, it took so long to make.

Sorry, I forgot to hug you hello.

Well, we're not supposed to hug
because it's against the rules.

I might grab one of those as well.
Oh.

Oh. OK, so shall we hug then?
Let's not push it, Josh.

Right, what are we having?

Oh, yes! They brought back the
Six-sh**ter Sundae.

They must have got my emails.

LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Could I have two g*y Jesus,

one g*y Noah and the Last Supper
where everyone's g*y?

Preach.

Thank you. How old is he?



he's our surrogate son.
Really? Yes.

I love my wife.

Sure.

That was the straightest hug I've
ever had

and I was closeted for a decade.

And the bawl of a steer,
To a cowboy's ear

Is music of sweetest strain.

That's from A Cowboy's Life by
Anonymous.

The sheriff's talking too much,
isn't he?

The sheriff will shut his bazoo.

So, I like your clothes, but

I thought shirt and tie was the
rule. It is the rule.

Don't speak over the divider,
please, Josh.

But are all rules equal?

Sure, The Ten Commandments,
they're a big deal.

But petty little regulations like,

"Don't covet your neighbour's
wife..."

Oh!

It's funny cos that literally is
the 10th commandment.

Yeah, and I knew that as well.
I don't think he was joking, Rachel.

She laughed, Josh, that means it was
a joke.

Take the birthday rule,
have you ever celebrated one?

No, no, course not, they're Pagan.
OK, but would our creator

really mind us saying thanks for
being created once a year?

I don't think he would, Jeb. Mm-mm.

I don't think he would.

On your next birthday, I'll get you
your first birthday cake, OK?

Yeah.

Sure. Sounds great.

Look at you guys,

all covered in chemistry.

And how's it going over here,
J and H?

You panning for gold or are you
trapped in Tumbleweed Town?

WHISPERS: Why is he like this?

Hey, Heather,

I've got a shake in my boot.

That's really funny, Abijah.

Do you think so? That's the best
joke I've ever heard.

We've sold out...of everything.

Not your "God is the Way" tees.

I've been hiding those deliberately
out of shame.

Shall we pack up and, er, go home?
Yep.

Oi!

VIP entrance.

Let's get f*cked up.

Come on, then!

Shots! £2 shots, anyone?

Hey! £2 shots?

Oh, thank you for offering,
but I'm quite scared.

WHISPERS: Can I try some of your...?

Yeah, sure.

Did you get any?

I got it.

There's no bite marks.

I got it.

Well, the car got stolen,

so now I need to find a way to learn
how to drive.

I'll help you. That was quick.

Sorry, guys, I've had a lot of Wagon
burger.

What are we talking about?

I was about to offer to teach you
myself.

That would hardly be appropriate,
would it?

You're dating, you need a chaperone.

We wouldn't need a chaperone for a
driving lesson, would we, Abijah?

You should know, you're the elder.

The best elder.

Whatever you say, Jeb.
I can't say no to those eyes.

OK, Jeb, looks like I'll learn with
you.

Awesome. You pick the tunes,
I'll find a quiet road.

One Six-sh**ter Sundae?
Ha! For the sheriff.

Yee-hah!

Just put it down anywhere.

Can I just move...? Absolutely not.

Enjoy. Thank you.

Heather.

My family think I'm useless, Gideon.

What do you think?

CAT PURRS

Mm.

I'm just going to lay my head in
there with you.

I need your soothing purrs.

That's OK, right?

CAT MEOWS LOUDLY
Ow!

CAT HISSES

You too, huh?

I see how it is.

DOORBELL RINGS

David, hi. Maude

What are you doing...? Are you OK?
What have they done to you?

I'm perfectly fine.

Just worried that my wife, son,
daughter and cat hate me.

Well...

..families and cats do like the
familiar.

Some of us are too unique for the
common crowd.

My daughter thinks I'm a bad driving
instructor,

just cos I took her to an absurdly
steep hill.

What was the incline? 20 degrees.

Well, if she can do a hill start
there,

she can do a hill start anywhere.

Thank you.

I don't know.

Maybe I do need to look at my
behaviour.

Why would you do that?

David, I think you're perfect,

just as you are.

You don't even know me.

I know enough.

Maude, was there a reason that
you...? Hmm.

Is that home-made shepherd's pie?

My wife makes that for me all the
time, so...

Really?

Cos you're looking at it as though
you haven't seen one in years.

Did you come far to bring that here?

No...

..just a 90-minute walk.

Try it.

You want me to...try your
pie...in front of you?

That's right, David.

Go on.

Mmm.

Good boy.

Well, I shall take my leave.

Hug goodbye?

I don't think that would be
appropriate.

Did you not enjoy our hug the other
day?

I just thought perhaps,

when you're not getting hugs in the
marriage,

that getting them elsewhere can only
strengthen the relationship.

Maybe another time.

Goodbye, David.

Be careful, David.

Be very careful.

Is there a flag for what I am?

You're a straight ally, Mum.

Oh. So you're the rainbow bits

and I'm the plain black and white.

Fair enough, that is the energy I
bring.

Aaron...

..I think I know what to spend the
money on.

We have a gift for you.

Andrew's not worthy of a gift.

Then why does it bear your name?

I feel...better.

I feel powerful.

I feel like Andrew. Elder...

..Andrew.

He looks healthy, doesn't he, Mum?

Yes.

Very, very healthy.

CLINKING ON GLASS

Good news.


their courtship.

Those of you who dropped out
will be re-paired to connect

with their fellow losers.

Elder, I won't be donating this
month

and, before you can ask why,
I'm going to get some squash.

Are you responsible for this?

How could I be?

I'm only 13.

Same age as David when he pebbled
Goliath.

What a pebble. What a guy.

Ah, the prodigal son returns.

Andrew, how's your fragile mind?

Samson, enforced courtship breaks
the 2008 charter,

surely you know that?

Now, if you pushed for a new rule,

I need to know how
and I need to know why.

So, how about we elders...have a
chat?

A nice, long Biblical chat.

A Biblical chat? Biblical chat.

A Biblical chat.

Hold that sip, Fiona.
If you'll follow me to the street,

there's something parked there
shaped like a surprise.

I thought you said it was new.

Yes.

This is the same.

No.

The same make, model, colour and
engine capacity,

but this is a completely different
Nissan Sunny.

I scoured the Internet.

You mean, you went out of your way
to source

a carbon copy of a car I've always
hated?

Not a carbon copy.

This one has a broken radio.

So, tomorrow we hit the road,
Jeb-style.

You pumped?

Yeah.

Did you pass first time?

No, but the examiner said I smelt
amazing.

I see physical contact, row two.
Stop that now.

Sorry, guys.

Save it for the honeymoon.

Wow! He has really toned forearms.