02x06 - A Real F***ing Crisis

[bunniefuu]

Wedding bells are a-chiming,

and ain't that a sweet, sweet ring?

Remember our wedding night, Fiona?

You ate too many sunflower seeds
and fell asleep at 8pm.

Yes, I did.

Oh, I'm pumped, spiritually
and, well, physically.

Dad, are you making an innuendo?

Aaron, with my whole heart, yes.

Fiona, You look incredible.

Thanks, David.

But I feel like I'm wearing a bib.

A sexy bib. Dad!

Oh, I accept that was too far.

Relax. Samson will soon fall and
everyone can take off their bibs.

Is that Jebediah?

To think, one day you could be
marrying him on this sacred site.

Mm, or I could cut him
out of my life forever.

Welcome, guys.

Ceremony should be
in two to five hours.

Josh was so excited,
he wanted lots of wiggle room.

David, I require an audience
with my special one.

Fiona, I'll deal with this.

Jeb, I should probably say up top.

Babe, it's OK.
You don't need to apologise.

I should apologise,

because I'm breaking up with you.

That's why you want to apologise.

You're a great girl.
Maybe too great.

You thought I was the Joseph
to your Mary.

And for a moment, so did I.

But I'm not Joseph.

I'm Jeb.

And Jeb's built for the road.

Road? The Bolton Youth.

They're also having a courtship
ceremony

and they're a very godly chapter,
and busty by the sound of things.

I'll pray for you, Rachel.

And I don't just mean today, I mean
tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

Are you quoting Shakespeare?

I'm talking about tomorrow, Rachel.

OK, Jeb, I think you're an idiot.

I shouldn't have picked you, and I'm
going to go stop this wedding.

Rebound, eh?

I'll find it hard to get
over you too.

MUSIC: Dancing in the Moonlight
by Toploader

I'm a very patient woman, David.

I once waited 12 years
for a man's wife to die.

But I'm starting to lose
that patience.

It's time for Fiona to be sacrificed
for your binding of Isaac,

and unlike God, I won't pull out
at the last minute.

Maude, since we last spoke, I have
bonded profoundly with my wife.

Like we bonded in that VCR?

No, in a much more normal way.

I want you to take this back,
once and for all.

Don't strain your leash, David.

When you accepted that pie dish,
you and I made a covenant.

I really think it was just pie.

A covenant, David,
to our future.

Oh, just think about it.

Every morning you'd wake to a
chalice, full to the brim

of summer fruit squash
as red and full bodied

as Christ's own lifeblood.

Every night you'd dine
on a Yorkshire pudding

the size of a baking tray.

But if you revoke that covenant,
David, there will be consequences.

Do your worst.

So be it.

David Lewis.

You broke into my house.

You besmirched my sanctuary.

I've been waiting
so long to say this.

You are excluded from the order.

Woo!

Mm! Mm! Mm!

Sorry, special one.

Pretty sweet, huh?

The only thing getting crucified
on that is bad vibes.

Am I right, Joel?

So are you like the wedding planner?

Josh said that it was easier to let
me do this

than deal with me being upset,

and he was right.

Gosh, was he right.

So here I am, organising
the wedding of my dreams.

Your dreams? Josh's dreams.

I'm not here.

Oh, I forgot the cake topper.

Where's the bride?

The what? Abijah.

I need to speak to Joshua.

Sure, Rachel.
Follow me to the groom room.

As long as you're not planning
on talking him out of it.

Seriously, I'm not letting anything
get in the way of my wedding.

Samson, please be merciful.

I am being merciful.

I'm letting the boy stay.

I don't exclude people
until they reach sixth form.

I tell you what.

I'll give you ten seconds to change
my mind.

Starting from...now.

Um, I...

All that I am is this church.

I joined for my wife.

I'd lose her.

I'd lose my family.

Time, gentlemen.

Still excluded.

Samson, we have photos
of your house.

Once the overseer
sees what you've been doing

with the congregation's money...

The overseer already knows,

and he's quite happy as long
as he gets his tithe.

Good luck in hell, David.

Cos come 5pm, you'll officially
be one of God's forsaken men.

The groom room is the toilet.

Josh was very clear
he wanted a lockable space.

We have no lockable space in our
flat and he hates that.

Room for one more, roomie?

Roomie?

He usually says shut up
when I call him roomie.

One second.

Oh, I forgot the groom room
had a window.

I'd say it's mixed news.

Yes, in the sense that it's horror
mixed with despair

mixed with the sensation
of your head being in a vice.

Look, I have a plan.

I'm going to prostrate myself
before the pie-making succubus

that did this to us.
And if that doesn't work.

Fiona, it has to work.

Because the alternative
doesn't bear thinking about.

Think about it, David.
We need to think about it.

Well, in that case, you, the whole
family, would have to decide

whether to stay in the faith
or be with me.

OK, I need some air.

Aaron, can I put you in charge
of telling Rachel

our world is collapsing?
Yeah.

I'll give her a buzz.

I can talk Maude around, Aaron.

Don't worry.

Dad, I saw you guys wedged in a VCR.

Of course I'm worried.

Come on, roomie, please pick up.

I mean, maybe he's been raptured.

Opportunistic one man rapture.

I think he's just running away
from his shotgun wedding.

Rachel, this is not a shotgun
wedding because we're not

in the Deep South, and Heather
is a lovely girl.

And any of us would be very lucky
to be forced to marry her.

I just can't get through to him.

He's gone dark. He's not picking up.

PHONE CHIMES
He's replied to me instantly.

OK, well, that hurts.
Abijah, I know where he is.

Give me the keys to the bridal car.

So you can find him
and bring him back.

Definitely one of those things.

Wait, what? Abijah.

Oh, Samson.

FYI, Joshua is a little bit delayed,
so we're all just going

to mill about for a bit, just soak
up the ambience

for the pre-marriage meal.

Yeah, shut up about that,
I don't care. The cross.

You don't like it?
I don't like it.

I love it.

I want to do my speech under it.

Make it dangle.

From the ceiling?
I said, make it dangle.

Ah, thank you, Mr Wall Bracket.

You are my champion.

Maybe just a quick blessing
to be safe.

I bless this bracket in the name
of the father.

Dear God, I'm in, forgive me,
a real f*cking crisis

and I know you don't tend to get
back to prayers quickly.

Sometimes it feels you don't get
back at all, in fact.

But please send me a sign.

Oh! I think I'll pray
somewhere else.

No, wait. I think you might be
a sign from God.

Of course I've heard
that one before. I'm desperate.

OK, I'll agree to talk
to you if you agree

to a five-foot exclusion zone.

OK.

OK.

And the apron?

Samson's making me serve
prawn rings,

so I came to ask God to k*ll me.

David wants me to leave
the order with him.

What would you do in my shoes?

My faith is everything to me.

But if Mary had asked me to leave,
I would not have hesitated.

What? I would have left
for true love.

But...

..no.

No?

No.

I could have left 20 years ago.

I stayed.

I stayed and I went to church
eight times a week,

and I didn't go to uni,
and I never drank

and I was such a good girl.

And if I go now, now, with my youth
over, then what was the point?

What was the point in any of it?

I think I'm going to go.

Tell me I'm not a bad person
if I stay.

Fiona, it's your choice.

Though I do think your marriage
and mine are quite different.

You were so thirsty
to massage my neck.

You've broken the barrier.

OK.

He wasn't a sign.

Melissa.

We're busy, Fiona. Call you back
after I've dropped this b*tch.

Right, who wants to f*cking dance?

When I lived in that flat,
I thought I hit rock bottom.

And then I moved in with Abijah
and experienced cowboy poetry night.

Some good times in that flat
too, though.

PHONE CHIMES

It's another voice note from heaven.

So many layers to this cake

and all of them make you.

Oh, gosh, she's
really coming for me.

Why are you here, Rachel?

I've come to bring you back
so you can marry the whispering

psychopath of your dreams.

OK, maybe less jokes
on the worst day of my life.

If you don't marry Heather,
your dad's going to kick you out.

And if I get the job
I'm now qualified for...

..he's going to kick me out too.

But if we were together,
it wouldn't be so bad.

Just a thought.

Wow. So my dad takes power
and you instantly want to leave.

He has that effect on people.

Actually, I've been feeling
like this for a while.

Rachel, I overhauled my whole life
for you,

and it feels like you just left me
on the hob

until it didn't work out
with the other guy.

And I don't know what to do next,

but I think that maybe
it doesn't involve you and me.

Right.

Yeah. Um...

This is for you.

A match card?

Yeah, that's the match card
I should have handed in.

Um...are you the groom?

No, no. Just solitude for me.

I'm merely a placeholder.

Wait, so you're single?

I find that incredibly hard
to believe.

Oh...

Look, I am also a placeholder.

Wow.

Um, I'm Ellie.

Ellie?

Oh, wow.

I'm Abijah.

Right. Yeah. Um...

I love what you're wearing, Abijah.

Oh!

You...you look like you could
herd some serious cow. Wow!

It's probably the nicest thing
that anyone's ever said to me.

No. No.

Cowboy Abijah. Cow-bijah.

That's amazing.

I'm... I'm sorry if this is too
forward, but are you on the apps?

No, I gave up, actually.

Oh, except for Kringle.

My Kringle sub doesn't run out
until Pentecost.

Abijah! My speech approaches.

Stop connecting with that woman.

Um... I need to go. Oh.

Hmm. David, I wondered when
you'd return.

Maude.

I'll do anything to keep
my family together.

Name your price.

I will slide my hand into
a retro tech object.

I will eat any savoury bake.

I do have something in mind,
actually.

Yes?

Sit and watch
a tape with me...on our baby.

Our baby that we repaired together.

OK, doesn't sound too bad.

Sunflower seeds?

I know they're your favourite.

What are we watching?

David, when a dog misbehaves,
it must be disciplined.

And when it cannot be disciplined,
it must be put down.

I'm not sure I love him any more.
No...

I'm not just saying that. I mean it.
Look at her.

Look at the woman you chose over me.

If this marriage is what God wants,
then...does God hate me?

David, what's wrong?

You've not touched your seeds.

He just smells so powerfully
of beef.

He's like a human Oxo cube.

Have you managed to get
through to Rachel?

Would she leave, do you think?

Don't answer that.

OK, I won't answer it.

You don't want to leave, right?

Leave the Samson police state
that won't let me be who I am?

OK, maybe I won't answer
that one either.

What about you, Mum?
What do YOU want?

Is that your father?

Dad's begging the spider woman
for mercy.

He taped over our wedding video
with series four of Robot Wars.

It was a bad series!

Do you see how she loathes you,
David?

How glad she'd be to be rid of you.

Oh, to you, she's everything.

But to her, you're...

You're just the man who ruined
her life.

All he does is rewind VHS tapes.

It's four hours a day.

She's tolerated you, David.

Suffered your presence
all these years

for the sake of appearances.

But she would never, ever
fight for you.

Maude.

Oh, speak of the devil
and she will appear.

CLUNK!

That's for my special one, b*tch.

Christ's crib.

Still need my help? I've just
knocked out Maude.

From outside your fist?
No fist.

Pounded to the face!

Fiona, that's brutal.

I love it.

Fiona...

Um, do you...

..you know...

..love me?

Of course I do.

Right.

It's just in the tape...

The tape doesn't matter, David.

And that's...

That's why we're leaving...together.

Mum, you're not just doing
this out of pure guilt, are you?

I haven't figured that out yet.

And I honestly see no need to.

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, Christ. Oh, Jesus. Oh, God.
Josh, please pick up.

Abijah, I'm here. I've picked up.

Oh, Josh! Oh, thank the Lord.
Please come back.

My blood pressure is 220 over 180,

and Google doesn't think
I should be alive.

OK.

OK?

Yes! Oh, amazing.

What changed your mind?
I need to ask Rachel

if she meant what she wrote.
What she wrote?

On the back of the match card
she gave me.

That doesn't sound very "I'm
going to marry Heather-y", Josh!

Josh?

Josh!

CLATTER

Oh, my...

Uh...

Rachel, where have you been?

I... It doesn't matter.

What have I missed?

Your mother assaulted a woman
with a dish.

What? Sit down.
We need to tell you something.

And it may come as quite a shock.

Your father's being excluded
from the Order,

and somehow we have to choose
whether to stay or to go.

Go.

You answered that awfully quickly.

Are you not going?

I am, but the decision took me
all day.

Once we're condemned,
you and I are going to have a talk.

Witness my rise!

OK, I feel less bad about
leaving now.

It's a beautiful thing.

Ascending.

It makes you realise
what's important.

God is love, they say.

Uhh! Wrong.

God is obedience.

God is submission.

We've already made such
wonderful strides together.

Hmm...

Traditions restored.

Men allowed to be men.

Women appropriately dressed.

One elder,

one God...for ever.

Abijah.

Oh, hey.

Check your phone. My phone? Yeah.

APPLAUSE RIPPLES

And it will be for ever,

because the Church of Samson...

This is the best day of my life.

..is here to stay, baby.

GASPS

Daddy!

MURMURING

CREAKING

Ohh!

GASPS

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

HE CHUCKLES

You see -

I'm invincible.

Oh, phew.

The cross isn't actually
too heavy, anyway.

It's the wattage
you'd have to worry about.

GASPS

You have such beautiful eyes.

GASPS

Oh, my gosh!

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Call an ambulance!

Sorry your wedding day was ruined

by a combination of your fiance
running away

and his dad getting fried
into a coma.

But you look nice.

Like you're wearing a cloud.

In a good way.

How's chastity?

Yeah, it's good. I think I've really
turned a corner, actually.

Once you realise you're not a sl*ve
to your impulses,

it's...it's empowering.
Strengthening.

SHE WHISPERS

What do you mean, you've got the car
for another hour?

Ah...

Rachel... Josh, you came back.
Yeah.

I just wanted to ask... Joshua,
there's no easy way to say this.

Our dad's been electrocuted
by a cross.

He needs a miracle to make it.
Did you just say "our dad"?

One of us should go with him
to the hospital.

I guess you've always
been the favourite.

Oh, Josh had something to ask you.

That's before Samson got hooked up
to the mains.

SHE GROANS

There's an unconscious woman
upstairs.

Anyone know about this? Yes.

Funny story.
So, my beautiful wife...

Shut up, David.
I was supposed to DJ.

Do you still want me?

I mean, it would be quite
disrespectful to Samson.

Good point.

Yes. We still want you.

HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEKING

Wow, you're really vocal.

MUSIC STARTS

I see you've liked me back.

Do you fancy a quick hoedown
throw-down?

What? Dance.
I'm asking you to dance.

Yes. I'd love a dance.

If he's dead, is it my fault?
What have I missed?

Joel's back.

David, would you care to...?

Fiona...

..allow me to take off your bib.

Is that Samson's scarf?

No, Andrew.

It's yours.

It's time for change. Change?

I won't let you down.

Unless my brain breaks again.

HE LAUGHS MANICALLY

Woo!

We get to stay.

You're happy, right?

Yeah.

Feel great.

Renewed.

Full of purpose.

♪ Every time I see you falling

♪ I get down on my knees and pray

♪ I'm waiting for that final moment

♪ You say the words that I can't say

♪ Every time I see you falling

♪ I get down on my knees and pray

♪ I'm waiting for that final moment

♪ You say the words
that I can't say... ♪