01x05 - Cut These Ponies Loose

[bunniefuu]

Employee of the month, bish!

Yeah.

What crawled up your butt

and died?

It's all good.

Look

I was gonna save this

'til after the ceremony, but

I got you a little prezzy

from Jay's car!

WANDA: Ah, ah, ah!

No weapons on the party train!

- Hey, that's mine!

- Wesley!

Why am I doing your job, huh?

Smarten up.

WESLEY: Hey, I'm gonna

need your ticket.

MICKEY: I don't need a ticket.

I'm with

the Employee of the Month!

You know, the woman whose

bad-assery under pressure

got you this whack party?

Just let 'em go.

Go on.

Smarten up.

We only got enough food

for staff, so no crashers,

no under-agers.

- Okay, got it.

- No meesh, no entry.

[Wesley coughs]

And no one sneaks into

that business thing upstairs.

They're real tight-asses

and I don't want no complaints.

WANDA: Hey!

Pay attention!

At every staff party

there's, like,

always a kick-a*s dance circle

and I always snag, okay?

But I'm on a snagging fast.

My energy is too powerful.

Sizzle!

And I'm here with my crew, so

I don't want nothing

catching on fire, you hear?

Yeah.

Auntie, I got you.

Ladies?

It's time to cut

these ponies loose!

Come on, girls!

Woo! Yeah!

[all cheering]

Whoa, tickets, please.

Nice uniform, Wiggum.

Yeah, nice jacket,

Joey Fattone.

We just gotta find

the right moment

to slip Stinky & the Man

our demo tape.

Whoa, I'm not letting you

sneak any celeb anything.

Not on my watch.

Yeah?

Well, watch us, Rent-a-Chode.

STINKY: Winnipeg,

it's Friday night,

so you know what that means!

It's an all-night dance party

with me, Stinky!

[in low voice]

And me, The Man.

Tonight's gonna be a hot one,

we're coming at you live from

the Fort Rouge Curling Club,

brought to you

by Uncle Sizzle's.

[regular voice]

And speaking of

That is Stinky.

Stinky and The Man

are the same person?

[Euro-style house music playing]

♪

Yeah, I'll be right back.

MICKEY: I was thinkin' she

looked more like a river troll.

Oh.

Look who showed up.

Got something

you want to say to me?

Jay's been calling non-stop.

Where have you been?

What did you do,

and what happened? My mom--

Are you serious right now?

That's what you have to say?

She's been with me.

HARLEY: At Mickey's cabin.

Yeah, we crashed our

jet skis into a beaver dam!

Cabins rule, man.

[laughs]

I'm sorry, we're actually in the

middle of something right now.

Okay.

[house music continues]

Like I said

Never apologizes for nothin'.

MICKEY: C'mon.

Let's get some nugs

for the Employee of the Month!

♪

SHOWBOAT: What happened?

Nothing.

It's fine.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

STINKY: We'll be back

after these 30 commercials.

Got it?

THE MAN: from

Stinky and The Man!

Yowwww!

Hi, I'm Showboat

and this is Violet.

We're a band.

Oh, well, who isn't?

SHOWBOAT: We tried

to drop off our demo

for Battle of the Bands,

but no one was at the studio.

- Can you listen to it here?

- We worked really hard on it.

I ain't got a tape deck.

Y'all gotta get with the tech

if you wanna make it in music.

CDs are the future.

Well, okay, what if you

just take this as our entry

and we get you a CD tomorrow?

- I promise.

- STINKY: No dice.

Now vámonos.

I only got 10 minutes to air,

and I gotta drop

a real greasy gizzard.

Uncle Sizzle's chicken is

rugged.

Outta my way.

Hurry!

Hurry hard!

Oh

I mean, she's not wrong.

[lounge music playing]

Alright.

So we're gonna slip in,

do a lil' networkie,

shoulder rubbin', and then

you're gonna get a sponsor,

my little wrestlin' man.

Everyone who's anyone

in Winnipeg biz is here.

Did my research.

I don't know,

look at all these rich people.

I feel like I'm gonna f*ck up!

[sighs]

Come on!

Soon you'll be livin' it large

at Chateau 100.

And I'll be kicked up

at my office

in the Richardson Building,

overseeing the whole operation.

Chateau 100 is pretty sweet

Mm-hm.

And just hand these out

and remember,

stay "profesh to death."

Time to get out there

and sparkle.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What?

- That's-- that's him!

Him who?

Only the man with the power

to change our lives forever.

That's Randy frickin' Babbage!

The Tube-Meat King

of the Prairies.

And that's Beefy, his mascot.

Bro, his book changed my life.

♪

[both laughing]

WESLEY: Hey, Harley.

What? Tryna' bounce us?

MICKEY: You can't touch us!

Employee of the Month, mo'fo!

No, I'm not bouncing you.

Then bye, boy.

Can we, uh, talk for a sec?

I dunno

Can you?

Maybe we'll just

catch up later.

[cracks knuckles]

I'm gonna go

steal his flashlight.

VIOLET: What are we gonna do?

I'm thinking, thinking

The party's

real fancy upstairs.

Don't tell no one.

Kind of in the middle

of something, Wanda.

I could run home

and grab my boom box

so we could play the tape

for Stinky?

Hmm

Yeah, gotta watch my pull.

I can't attract another Dale.

Poor guy.

No.

Look, you'll never

make it back in time.

We could just do it

a cappella, you know?

Like, without instruments.

Do you wanna sing our demo

a cappella?

They got a big spread up there

and everything.

And they have DJ Marv!

He still wears the same suit

he had on

when he played at my prom!

[chuckles]

Auntie, please

A crusty-a*s DJ?

Hello, tape deck.

Let's go.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

No.

You liked it!

VIOLET: We can't just

steal his tape deck.

SHOWBOAT: First

we gotta sneak in.

Nope.

I'm on a snagging fast.

No!

Here, excuse me.

Important people coming through.

Come on.

Mr. Babbage!

Huge fan.

I'd like to introduce myself.

I'm Cousin Cheryl,

and, uh, this

this is my client, Woody.

Little gent.

Little lady.

So, uh

let's pivot to brass tacks here.

I got your next best thing.

The thing that'll take your

business to the next level.

Hand him the flyer,

hand him the flyer.

We made those ourselves.

[chuckles]

Okay.

Pitchin' me, huh?

Alright.

So, uh

The Woodtick!

He'll suck the blood outta ya,

then you'll be some real tired!

You want a meat company

to back a wrestler

named after a critter

that makes people's skin crawl?

Well, Mr. Babbage,

you see, synergy--

Sorry, kiddo.

Scum-suckin' varmints

just ain't on brand

for Babbage Garden Meats.

Enjoy your night.

Enjoy the drink.

WOODY: I mean,

at least take the flyer.

[slurps loudly]

[reggae playing]

Wesley's not

even here to stop us!

VIOLET: Okay, I guess.

I thought there would be

more people at this party.

MICKEY: Meh.

We are the party.

[people coughing]

The higher the hair,

the closer to Creator.

Alright, everybody here?

Come on, guys!

Can't wait all day!

Now for the reason we're here:

Store 12 Employee of the Month!

Woo!

This employee faced

a storm of angry customers

and still set a record

for most sales of any

Uncle Sizzle's in one night!

- MAN: Woo!

- Eat it, Store 7!

MAN: Yeah!

The phone ranger,

the bitchin' chicken,

give it up for our

Employee of the Month, Harley!

- Woo!

- [applause]

WANDA: Get up here, girl!

[applause]

SHOWBOAT: People are woo-ing.

On behalf of Uncle Sizzle's,

I would like to present you with

this most distinguished award.

You earned it!

Yeah, baby!

Oh-h*-h*!

MICKEY: Chicken phone, wicked!

WANDA: Yeah, now let's

cut a damn rug, hey?

Music!

- Woo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!

- [peppy music starts]

WANDA: Come on, everybody!

Woooo!

[peppy rock music playing]

Hey, Mickey?

I want you to have this.

You're a real one.

Seriously, thank you.

Oh, hello?

Is this my new best friend?

[laughs]

MICKEY: Thanks, man.

This is

This is really cool.

♪

VIOLET: He does have

a tape deck.

SHOWBOAT: I say we just create

a distraction and snatch it.

We're not even

supposed to be up here.

We'll get in so much sh*t.

Vi! It's all or nothing.

If you sh**t for the moon

and miss,

you wind up among the stars.

You know who taught me that?

Who?

Jonathan f*ck'

Torrens!

Okay, okay.

I know what to do.

The Fox does this to get free

dessert at Big Willy's Buffet.

Just gimme a sec.

[choking sound]

SHOWBOAT: Oh!

She's choking!

- I got you, girl!

- Wait, no, wait!

BEEFY: Heimlich!

[grunts]

Come on! Come on!

- Augh!

- Whoa!

[loud fart]

[dead silence]

BABBAGE: Jesus Christ!

That wasn't me!

It was the wiener!

[rock song starts playing]

[mic feedback]

Check 1, 2!

Hey, uh, party people!

This is a heck of a party,

but all you biz-natches know

that you gotta check

the merch out, right?

What are you doing?

I'm The Woodtick, woo!

This is for you, Mr. Babbage!

My manager, Cheryl, she's right

there if you're interested.

Woo!

Woody, everyone!

The Woodtick!

- Put your hands together!

- Yeah!

Woo!

This is your moment!

[clapping to beat of song]

BEEFY: Ohhh, you ain't

stealin' my thunder, kid!

WOODY: Oh, yeah?

[rock music continues]

♪

Woo!

Yeah!

- Hey!

- [applause]

CHERYL: Yo, this isn't

very business-like!

♪

You think you can show me up?

Oh, yeah!

- [loud crack]

- [fart]

Ahh! My sciatica!

WOODY: Woo!

Yeah!

Hey, hey--

Uh, hi, everyone.

[nervous laugh]

WOODY: Woo, yeah!

Come on, man!

You went rogue!

They loved my moves!

You told me to sell the product.

Babbage just

needed to see my moves

to know I can wrestle for real.

Dude, real wrestling

isn't even real wrestling!

Look, you asked me

to manage you.

[sighs]

But I wanna wrestle.

It was never about

the wrestling.

[sighs]

[hip hop playing]

♪

Wow.

That's a

powerful cologne.

Yeah, man.

Drah-Car Noo-aaar.

- I'm gonna need your ticket.

- Bro, come on.

I just wanna grab my girl

and dip.

Harley?

You know, like the bike.

Vroooom!

She left.

She's right there, bro.

Mall cop.

[chatter and laughter]

♪

[grunts]

- [music stops]

- MAN: Hey, what happened?

What's going on here?

MAN: Come on,

put the music back on!

Oh-h*

I got it, I got it.

WANDA: Play Neon Moon!

Yeah!

Alright

Here goes

nothin'.

[song starts playing]

Oh!

Yes!

♪

Hey, babe.

- Get off of me.

- Oh, hey, come on!

I miss you, babe.

Even though you trashed my car.

I saw your ribbon-twirling wife

with my own two eyes.

You're a liar, Jay,

who lies and cheats.

Look, I'm only there

for Jay Jr., alright?

- [sighs]

- My kid.

It's not even a real marriage.

It's a green card marriage!

The kid might not

even be my kid!

I mean, you can get pregnant

off a toilet seat!

Tell her the truth, Jay.

Mind your own business, bro.

I can't keep lying for you.

It makes my stomach sick.

Can't we just go

somewhere quiet and talk?

Just me and you.

He's married, yeah,

with the chubbiest baby.

He's not a PI.

He doesn't even have a job.

He just sits around all day

watching Sweating b*ll*ts.

Check yourself, bro!

Steph's dad gives him

his car and allowance.

He says he's Sugar Ray,

he charges middle-school kids

50 dollars for meet-and-greets.

Dude

I'm sorry.

♪

I mean, come on, baby.

Do you believe

what this guy says?

Just stop.

[Violet and Showboat's

song playing]

VIOLET: We sound amazing!

♪

Hey, y'all smell that?

Ah, not another

greasy gizzard.

[sizzling sound]

♪

JAY: Yeah, okay, whatever, so

I lied a little bit.

I just

I friggin' love you, man!

Oh my God, a PI !

In Winnipeg.

You are so full of sh*t.

I knew you were full of sh*t!

MICKEY: Hey, surprise, dickbag!

JAY: Augh!

Augh, get her off of me!

Nah, I'm good.

You come around her again

and I'll eat your a*s

like a badger, you hear?!

I got a black belt

at kicking d*uche!

You're crazy.

Both of you!

I'm outta here.

♪

[door shuts]

Don't worry, I've got this ♪

Don't worry, I've got this! ♪

Something's burning!

[loud pop]

WANDA: Holy! Outta the way!

Deadly aunties first!

VIOLET: The tape! The tape!

[smoke alarm beeping]

SHOWBOAT: No, no, no, no!

[sizzling sound]

[squeaking]

[sentimental music playing]

You are the rush

I can't control ♪

You flow like ♪

Mind if I take a load off?

I wouldn't come

too close, though.

I might still have

medicine on me.

I'll take my chances.

I'm telling you, man.

My pull's too strong.

People fall hard, go crazy.

Look at me.

You think I can walk

three blocks without someone

throwing themselves at me?

I'm the top mascot in the city.

You?

Not Buzz and Boomer,

or Mick E. Moose?

Slugs and hacks.

Now, let the ol' Beefer

buy you a drink.

♪

Beefy?

♪

MICKEY: Our girl is

on the prowl tonight!

Mee-yow!

Them two's prolly gonna pork.

HARLEY: [quietly]

He's a complete liar!

He pretended he was a PI!

Like, who does that?

You don't know

what you're talking about.

Yeah, duh!

They been to bone town.

Last year.

You didn't know?

Harsh, bro.

Heavyyy.

WESLEY: Mickey Carp

to the rescue, eh?

Yeah.

I just want to let

you know that I'm

I'm sorry

I've been a d*ck to you.

It's just that--

VIOLET: What is wrong with you?

Whoa, whoa,

let's just settle down--

You're hooking up

with my brother?

It was once.

I'm just gonna

I think my walkie's

VIOLET: Seriously?

You live in my room.

You take all of my things.

You mooch off of my family.

I'm no mooch!

Yeah, what about Toronto?

I never asked you to come.

You just decided

you were coming.

I mean, who does that?

Maybe I don't want you to come!

Get your own life, Harley!

Nothing to say for once?

Whatever.

At least I don't glom

onto somebody else

just to have a personality.

You're nothing!

You're pathetic.

f*ck

Violet

Oh

Sorry about Woody.

Usually he's so professional.

Do you know

my seventh rule of business?

Wait, don't you have an accent?

The accent's the brand.

Do you know my

seventh rule of business?

"You gotta know

when to call it.

"Cut your losses

before they become liabilities."

Oh.

Take Beefy, for instance.

Been phoning it in for years.

Passion, gone.

No, yeah.

Woof.

I built my empire

on two raw dogs and a dream.

People underestimated me.

But I see you, young buck.

Thank you, sir.

That little guy you've

got with you over there

- Yeah.

- People loved him.

I think he could be just

the thing to get my meat

into a whole new market:

cool teens.

Nothing cooler

than beefy teens!

You bet.

So, what do you say?

Do you wanna

take your boy and join

the Babbage Garden Meat family?

[chuckles]

That's good.

You okay?

I don't wanna talk about it.

[sighs] All that hard work

all summer for nothing.

I know what'll cheer you up.

Some Perkins fries, hmm?

Alright.

STINKY: Hey, yo, girls.

You saved a lot of my gear.

Thank you.

Stinky, it was kinda us--

It's official.

Y'all are in the Stinky

& the Man's Battle of the Bands.

- For reals?

- Mm-hm.

What's the name of your band?

Ever sick!

STINKY: I dig it.

Check ya.

Yes.

- Oh my God.

- Oh my God!

SHOWBOAT: Ever Sick?

That's a wicked band name!

[knocking]

I walk right out the door ♪

But I don't know

where I am ♪

♪

[moaning and kissing]

Oh, Beefy

Oh, Beefy!

♪