Jessica Kirston: I'm the Man (2025)

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Jessica Kirson!

[cheering and applause]

- [upbeat music playing]

- [mouthing] Oh, my God!

[mouthing] Oh, my God!

[mouthing] Thank you!

Thank you so much! Thank you!

- [cheering and applause continue]

- So nice.

Hi, guys. Keep clapping.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, that's so nice!

Stand up. What the f*ck is wrong with you?

[upbeat music continues]

[cheering and applause continue]

- [music and applause soften]

- Thank you. I love you guys.

God, there's so many g*y men here.

Oh, my God.

- [laughter]

- Wow. Holy sh*t.

You're all up front, too.

- Did anyone come alone?

- [audience member] Yeah!

Yeah, I come alone a lot. That's why...

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

I'm miserable.

You know, I've always been--

I was even depressed as a child,

you know what I'm saying?

My friends would be like,

[childish voice] "Let's play house."

I'm like, "Let's play hospice care."

[laughter]

[normal voice]

Every time I go through TSA,

this is totally true,

I get patted down almost every single time

because I think they look at me

and they're like,

"This woman needs affection.

- "This woman...

- [audience laughs]

"...needs to be held.

This woman needs something."

And they always pat down

my shoulders, my legs, my back.

I'm like, "Could you touch my crotch?

"Is there any way you could finger me?

"Because I need...

[laughter, clapping]

...to be fingered immediately."

Sometimes, I swallow loose change

or an ion battery.

Or a Honda Accord,

so that they get more handsy.

I've even put a roast there,

so the dogs get involved.

[gasps and laughter]

If you didn't just laugh at that,

you should die, that is...

[laughter and applause]

When you go through security

and they do touch you in the groin area,

this is for women, I don't know

if they do the same thing for men,

they literally go, "Would you like us

to take you in the back?"

And I'm like, "Ha! I'd prefer it."

[audience laughing]

Take me in the back and pull my hair

and tell me I'm not funny.

[laughter]

And if you keep this up,

I'm gonna have a lot more

than three and a half ounces

of liquid on me.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

You guys are great.

I do a lot of shows in Florida

for very old people.

Some of you know that. They're 80, 90.

Some have passed. And the thing is...

[laughter]

...a lot of times I don't hear laughter

for 45 minutes to an hour.

I just hear bodily functions.

Moaning, groaning.

Just... [groaning]

[laughter]

[continues groaning]

[exclaiming and grunting]

[blowing raspberry]

[exclaiming]

[burping, groaning]

[high, squeaky voice] Help me!

[audience laughing]

Somebody help me!

[laughter]

[normal] They yell out at me.

I'm not kidding.

One woman s-- [laughs] once yelled out,

[high, squeaky voice] "Comedian!

[audience laughing]

"Comedian, get me a seltzer water.

- [laughter]

- [Jessica chuckles]

I'm thirsty. Get it."

[normal] I'm like, "Get your own

seltzer water, Sylvia, you f*cking b*tch."

[cheering and applause]

One woman once yelled out,

[high voice] "Clown!"

[normal] She called me a clown.

Can you imagine?

I hear, [high voice] "Clown!

Cloooooown!"

[normal] It sounded like a llama

getting a colonoscopy.

[audience laughing]

One guy once yelled out, "Bingo!"

I'm like, "What?"

[laughter]

Who's playing Bingo?

[Jessica chuckles]

Can you imagine what they say during sex?

Can you imagine?

[feeble, shaky voice]

"Suck my d*ck, Sylvia!"

[audience laughing]

[high, squeaky voice]

"Come on my face, Seymour."

- [groaning]

- [audience laughing, clapping]

"Did you pay the insurance?

"I crashed the car today.

The cleaning lady is stealing from us."

[audience laughing]

"She too-- [laughs]

She took my everything bagel seasoning."

[audience laughing and clapping]

[audience cheering]

[normal voice]

I do those developments in Florida,

those 55-and-over developments,

and they have other programs going on.

And I had to check them out.

Like, I had to see what's going on there.

And one of the things they had going on

was "Sex and Intimacy

in Your Elder Years."

And I was like, "That's good."

You know,

that's a great program for these people.

But I looked at the brochure,

and I was really blown away.

I thought it was beautiful.

So, I-I copied down the different subjects

that they go over

and the different classes they have,

and I wanted to read it to you guys.

- Do you guys wanna hear it? Yeah.

- [cheering and applause]

It made me emotional.

I think you guys are really

gonna get emotional from this. [chuckles]

It's really beautiful.

Um, "Getting to Know Each Other Again."

Isn't that beautiful?

[scattered cheering and clapping]

Yeah, I know, I really...

"Simple Stretches for Intimacy."

That's nice.

You know, I think these people

need to stretch before they... [chuckles]

"Assisted Sex, the Do's and Don'ts

of Bringing Your Aide Into the Bedroom."

[audience laughing]

That's...

that's important. It, like...

[Jessica chuckles]

"How to Remember Your Partner's Name."

- [audience laughing]

- That's...

I wouldn't want someone to forget my name.

"How to be Intimate

While the Middle East is in Crisis."

[laughter and cheering]

[scattered applause]

I think it's really...

- [people cheering]

- [chuckles] Yeah.

[Jessica snickers]

"Elderly Abuse: S&M in Your 80s."

[audience laughing]

I would go to that.

[Jessica chuckles]

"Finding the cl*t

When You Can't Find Your Keys."

- [laughter and applause]

- This is--

I would run to that one

'cause I'm always losing things.

[audience laughing]

Yeah. [snickers]

This one is very important

for the g*y men,

um, and the straight women in the crowd.

I mean, you guys

would definitely take this.

You would never want

to forget how to do this.

"Deep Throating with Dementia."

- [audience laughing]

- This is...

[people clapping]

[grunting]

You know what I mean? You would...

[cheering and applause]

Thank you. Um...

- [cheering and applause continue]

- Thank you.

If you want to know about me,

this is really true.

If you really want to know about me,

you have to see my vibrator.

It is a f*cking mess.

It says a lot about a person.

You know, a lot of women are like,

[high, nasal] "I bought a new vibrator.

It's purple. It's amazing. I deserve it."

[normal] My vibrator, it's--

It has pieces missing from it.

I'm serious.

They're inside of me. I have...

[audience laughing]

...more plastic inside of me

than the Pacific Ocean.

It is...

I-- It's that magic wand.

It is this-- It's-It's enormous.

It's this long.

It is s-- It's like a jackhammer,

it is so powerful.

Do you know, I dropped it the other day,

and my neighbors

got an earthquake warning?

It is f*cking--

[laughter]

I also use it as an immersion blender,

so it's very...

[laughter]

...helpful. I make split pea soup with it.

It's really-- That's my merch.

Split pea soup. I sell it after my shows.

[audience laughing and clapping]

Anyway, it plugs into the wall,

that's how disgusting it is.

It's not even cordless

because I hate myself.

I half-stand when I use it.

This is not a joke.

I, I half-- It doesn't make it to the bed.

I look like I'm up to bat, I swear to God.

[laughter]

I stand like this.

And when I come,

I literally sound like an umpire.

I'm like, "Strike!" You know what I mean?

[laughter and applause]

Room service knocked

on the door the other day,

and I'm like, "You're outta here!"

[audience laughing]

Do you want to hear the sound

I really make when I'm coming?

This is very vulnerable. Yeah.

[screaming]

[audience laughing]

Help me!

Who the f*ck are you?!

[cheering and applause]

I actually did just buy new sex toys.

This is really true.

I-I went crazy

'cause I'm like, "You deserve it.

You've been making money,

you're doing well." [chuckles]

- [audience cheering]

- I did. Thank you.

You guys are amazing. I spent $684.

- [audience laughing]

- This is not a joke.

I clicked on everything.

I'm like, "f*ck it."

And it came in a pack-- and I'm like,

"I don't know what to do with any of this.

And a lot of it's intense."

So now, I've just been

using it for other--

I use the nipple clamps

to seal my chip bags. Um...

[laughter]

I've been using the paddles

when I play my mother in pickleball.

That's been very...

[laughter and clapping]

I use the butt plug

to seal my wine bottles.

- That's been very helpful.

- [people cheering]

I use the ball gag,

so I don't binge at night.

That is really...

[audience laughing]

I bought a swing, which I always wanted.

So now, I just put it on the porch.

And I love watching the sunset

between my legs, it is...

[audience laughing and clapping]

...so rela...

- Um...

- [laughter continues]

Wasn't that hot, ladies?

[laughter]

[Jessica chuckles]

I look like I'm turned on

by my own sh*t. Like...

[scattered laughter]

That wasn't funny what you just said.

[stronger laughter]

You were doing great,

and you just did a joke,

and you knew it wasn't gonna do well,

and you did it anyway.

Don't sabotage yourself.

You deserve success.

- Everything--

- [cheering and applause]

Everything is gonna be okay.

[audience member] Woo!

[Jessica] You're doing great. You are.

Today, you ate a bag of Tostitos

and told yourself

it was a serving of corn.

[audience laughing]

[cheering and applause]

Most of you just laughed at that.

Some of you didn't get it.

But what I just did was very creative,

but you're dumb.

- Um...

- [laughter]

Trust me, there's a couple

of people who are like,

"What the f*ck just happened?

"Where the f*ck am I?

Is that Kirstie Alley?

I thought she died."

[robust laughter]

I had a threesome once. This is true.

- Isn't that hot? Yeah, I did. Yeah.

- [cheering and applause]

It was crazy. Um, yeah, it was amazing

'cause I have ADD,

and I was very confused and overwhelmed.

There were so many t*ts and holes.

I, I felt like I was playing Whac-A-Mole.

- I was just...

- [audience laughing]

...swinging my hands around like,

"What is going on?"

I ended up giving myself a hickey.

It was un...

[laughter]

I was smacking my own a*s,

asking myself if I liked it.

"Do you like it?" "What?"

"It's me." "Who?"

"Who's on third?" You know, it was so...

[audience laughing]

I choked myself. And, and-- Ugh.

[audience laughing]

I ended up blacking out.

I woke up two hours later.

The two women had left,

my watch was missing,

and I was covered in Cool Whip.

[laughter]

[high, squeaky voice]

"I was covered in Cool Whip."

[audience laughing]

[normal] Yeah. You know, I've been,

I've been out, uh, for a while.

I was, uh, you know,

I was with men for a while

at the University of Maryland,

um, in blackouts.

- Um...

- [laughter]

I was so drunk, I didn't even

know they weren't women.

- Uh...

- [laughter]

I was like, "Wow, your cl*t is huge."

[laughter and applause]

There's lesbians here, right?

I just-- Yeah, I--

She looked angry.

- Um...

- [audience laughing]

When guys watch l*sbian porn,

they think that's what it--

like, women with long nails

and tons of makeup on,

you know what I mean? Like,

[high, nasal] "Oh, my God, Tiffany,

your fingers feel so good in my p*ssy.

Harder. Harder. Give me a hysterectomy."

[audience laughing]

[normal] Real l*sbian porn

is women just sitting around

crying and eating hummus.

- [audience laughing]

- It's...

- very depressing. [snickers]

- [people cheering and clapping]

I think I was born g*y 'cause my mom

said the second I came out, I was like...

[exclaiming]

"Ahhhh!"

- [laughter]

- [audience member] Woo!

Yeah, I even had a double-sided pacifier.

[audience screaming, laughing]

[people clapping]

You know, there's categories

for lesb-- and for g*y men.

But the l*sbian categ-- you know, butch,

femme, Dora the Explorer.

[laughter]

Trust me, she's a f*ck' d*ke.

She's always hiking,

and she looks enraged.

[laughter]

I hate that b*tch, you know?

[high-pitched] "Backpack, backpack."

[imitates g*nf*re]

[audience laughing and clapping]

[normal] The biggest cave she explores

is her girlfriend.

Trust me, she's f*cking...

- [laughter]

- [Jessica chuckles]

You know what's in that backpack?

Her cat's ashes, a journal,

and a huge f*cking dildo.

I'm serious.

[audience laughing]

You guys are so great.

I'm not a specific type of li--

I guess-- I-I mean, I'm butch,

but I'm not butch-butch,

you know what I mean?

Like, I'll open a door for a woman,

but I can't build one.

You know, that kind of...

[audience laughing and clapping]

Yeah, it's really like that.

You know, I would never

fight someone, but I'll fist you.

You know that kind of...

[scattered laughter and clapping]

Some of you aren't laughing.

Let me do a couple more.

- Um...

- [stronger laughter]

I would never fly a plane,

but I love a good landing strip.

- I do.

- [cheering and applause]

I would never go fishing.

That's a butch thing, you know?

But I'll shuck a clam. I will shuck...

[laughter and clapping]

I'm into traditional

kinds of relationships.

Like, I'm-I'm the breadwinner.

I date feminine women, you know?

You know, it's important to me

that they cook and clean

and do the laundry.

[laughter]

They f*cking better!

[audience laughing]

There was just someone not laughing,

but just mouthing my face, just...

[audience laughing]

[Jessica chuckles]

I'm tired in bed at this point.

You know, I'm lazy. It-- I really am.

I'm just like, "Sit on me

and spin around like a dreidel.

I'm f*cking exhausted."

[audience laughing]

The last time a woman

sat on my face, I fell asleep.

I was like...

It was fine, it was like a warm eye mask,

you know what I'm saying?

- [chuckles]

- [audience laughing]

She was so wooly,

I started counting sheep.

[laughter and clapping]

[blowing forcefully] Um...

[audience laughing]

- [people cheering]

- [Jessica chuckles]

Most of you just laugh.

Odds are, there's a couple

of h*m* in the crowd.

They're all-- I mean, come on.

There's definitely some straight men here

who get hard at the gym

and don't know why.

- [audience laughing]

- [Jessica chuckles]

Some guys, you know,

don't accept that you're g*y.

That's the thing.

And they'll say the dumbest things.

They really will. Like, these--

I remember one guy was like,

[deep voice] "Do you guy-- Do you scissor?

Like, do f*cking women scissor?

Have you scissored in a while?"

[normal] I'm like, "Oh, please,

I've been scissoring for years."

I've sheared.

- Okay, at this point, I'm shearing.

- [audience laughing]

They've said dumb things to me.

Like, when I was younger,

this guy was like,

[deep voice] "I could change you."

[normal] I'll never forget this.

[deep] "I can change you.

Trust me, I can change you."

[normal] I'm like,

"Sir, you smell like sh*t."

[audience laughing]

I need to change you, like, literally.

[cheering and applause]

I-- I need to change--

Like, I need to change you.

You stink. [laughs]

[cheering and applause continue]

One guy was like, [deep voice]

"You just haven't been with the right guy.

Trust me.

You haven't been with the right guy."

[normal] I'm like, "I am the right guy."

[cheering and applause]

So great.

I am.

I'm like, "Just ask

my girlfriend, Melissa.

My tongue is like a flag in a windstorm."

[laughter]

[imitating flag flapping]

I have four daughters

from two different women.

Um, I just couldn't stop

nutting inside of them.

[audience laughing]

I wanted to spread my seed, you know?

[high, squeaky voice] My sesame seed.

[audience laughing]

[Jessica chuckles]

I saw-- [laughs]

I saw an old friend recently,

and she's like,

[high, nasal]

"Oh, my God, was it planned?"

[laughter]

[normal] I think it's the dumbest question

that anyone has ever

asked me in my entire life

if my children with women was planned.

I'm like, "No, my condom broke."

[robust laughter]

[Jessica chuckles]

There are religious people who will say

that g*y people want their kids to be g*y,

that we try to make them g*y.

I know some of you

might not have heard this,

but that is completely true.

- It's true. I hate admitting it.

- [cheering and applause]

But that is the only reason

why I agreed to have children

was to create four big d*kes.

[laughter]

'Cause it's an easier life.

So, why wouldn't I want that

for my four precious daughters?

So, we are doing everything we can

to make that happen.

I don't care if they're kind,

I don't care if they're loving.

I don't even care if they're educated.

I just want them

to be f*cking truck drivers.

- [cheering and applause]

- Yep.

Because I want them to be accepted.

And by the way,

we're out to get your kids too,

to the straight people in the crowd.

Every g*y person in this audience knows it

because we're on secret Facebook groups.

[laughter]

We get emails.

Did you guys get the email today?

It was-- Yeah, you got it?

It was so intense.

We have Amber Alerts on our phones.

g*y Amber Alerts.

They're called Gamber Alerts.

[laughter]

They go... La-la-la-la-la

La-la-la-la-la

[laughter and cheering]

And when there's a child

that's really close, it's amped up.

La-la-la-la-la,

la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la

[audience laughing and cheering]

We have candy.

We have vans, we have cookies.

We have f*g Newtons,

we have f*g Newton-- [laughs]

We even have very long nets.

We can grab your children

off of your lawns,

bring them into our vans

and make them g*y within five minutes.

[laughter]

Let me give you an example.

If you have a boy on your lawn who's like,

[deep voice] "I wanna play football, Dad,"

[normal]

I will-- my Gamber Alert will go off.

La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la

La-la-la-la-la

I will jump into my van.

[laughter]

I will grab my f*g Newtons, I will...

- [audience laughing]

- [Jessica chuckles]

...drive up to your house.

I will grab one of my nets.

I have 11 of them.

[laughter]

Look at some of you. "Wow, that's a lot."

You're liter--

I will grab your child,

bring them into my van.

And within five minutes,

that same little boy that was like,

[deep voice] "I wanna play football."

[normal] Five minutes later,

will come outta my van and be like,

[singing] I wanna be on Broadway

- [cheering and applause]

- Papa

[cheering and applause continue]

So, we are doing everything we can

to turn our four daughters

into big, d*ke, butch lesbians.

We've been taking them

to a lot of softball games

- just to get the mannerisms down.

- [laughter]

We forbid them to eat hot dogs, of course,

they can only eat clams and oysters.

And we named all four of them

Hillary Rodham Clinton because...

[laughter and clapping]

...we know how much people

love her in this country,

so we just... [chuckles]

Every time I say her name,

the whole crowd goes, "Ha, ha!"

[audience laughing]

My, uh, my three youngest

are actually really girly.

That's the funny thing. [laughs]

They always wear dresses

and they dress up in crowns.

They're so cute.

And they do shows for me a lot.

And they f*cking suck. They suck...

[people laughing]

...so bad.

It is painful because I'm a performer

and I'm like, "Gotta get it together.

This is--

Mama doesn't have a lot of downtime.

This is really..."

I'm like, "Twirl around, b*tch!"

You know what I mean?

"Do a split, m*therf*cker!"

Like, this is...

[laughter]

I went to their dance recital

with all the other kids,

and I literally was watching them.

It looked like--

They looked like wandering Jews,

they were just...

[audience laughing]

It looked like a methadone clinic.

Like, just people walking around

the hallway looking for a nurse.

One of the kids in their class

fell into the band,

and then she had the nerve to bow.

I'm like, "Are you f*cking kidding me?"

[audience laughing]

The other parents were throwing flowers.

I threw a brick. I was like, "f*ck you."

[cheering and applause]

They were like,

[high-pitched] "Let's go for ice cream."

[normal] I'm like, "Mom is gonna relapse.

This is it, this..."

[laughter]

They put me down a lot

'cause kids are honest, you know?

You know that, they'll say everything

that's on their mind.

Like, this is literally what happened.

This is where material comes from.

I was in the shower recently,

and my daughter walked in

and literally looked me

up and down, and looked disgusted.

She was like...

[audience laughing]

And then, [chuckles] I swear,

she starts crying

looking at my naked body.

She's like... [sobbing]

[audience laughing]

So, I open the door and I'm like,

"Are you okay, honey?"

And you're gonna laugh.

This is literally what she said to me.

She goes, [high-pitched]

"I don't wanna look like you."

[laughter]

[normal] I'm like, "It's okay.

We used Mommy's egg."

Like, I didn't know what to say to her.

[laughter]

She literally put me down again.

She looked at me and she goes,

[high-pitched] "Mama,

you have eyelashes in your nostrils."

[gasps and laughter]

[normal] I'm like, "f*ck you!

You smell like a barn animal, b*tch."

[laughter and clapping]

They always wanna hear the same stories,

and lately, it's been Cinderella.

Some of you know this if you have kids.

And it's-- I'm like, I am so sick

of telling the story of Cinderella.

I've been telling it for literally

like a month and a half.

I'm like, "Can we say another story now?"

They're like, [high-pitched baby voice]

"I wanna hear Cinderella.

"I only wanna hear Cinderella.

Cinderella."

[normal] I'm like, "Okay, this b*tch

wasn't invited to a party.

[audience laughing]

"She went there, and she blew a guy,

and she left a shoe.

[laughter and clapping]

"He came to find her,

and they f*ck forever.

[laughter]

Now, we're gonna do Beauty and the Beast!"

[audience laughing]

[people clapping]

My 17-year-old only talks to me

in TikTok dances,

and I have no idea what she's saying.

You can't understand

what these kids are saying anymore.

She's like, literally, she's like,

[high, nasal] "Mama, seriously,

"you were supposed to pick me up

from school the other day

"and you were, like, so late.

I don't even know what's going on."

[babbles gibberish]

[normal] And I'm like, "What?"

And she's like, [high, nasal]

"Why don't you understand me?

Like, everyone else understands me."

[babbles gibberish]

[normal]

So, now I just talk to her like that too

because she doesn't listen to me anyway.

I'm like, "Zoe, seriously?"

[babbles gibberish]

[laughter and clapping]

She's like, [high, nasal]

"You're so cringe.

You are, like, so cringe."

[normal] I'm like, "No, this is cringe."

[grunting and exclaiming loudly]

[grunts] Um...

[audience laughing]

I just pulled something

in the back of my shoulder. I--

[people clapping]

She introduced me

to her boyfriend, Blake, recently.

I don't care what anyone says,

teenage boys are the most

awkward people on the planet.

You can argue with me, I don't care.

She's like, [high, nasal]

"Mama, this is Blake. I love him."

- [chuckles]

- [audience laughs]

This was Blake. I'm like, "Hi, Blake."

He's like, [low, awkward] "Hey."

[audience laughing]

[laughter continues]

[raucous laughter]

"What's up?"

- [laughter]

- [audience member] Woo!

[normal] I'm like, "Does Blake

have to go to the hospital?

"Does he wear a f*cking helmet?

Like, what is wrong with this kid?

He just peed all over my living room."

[audience laughing]

I stood by her room to listen to them talk

'cause I need material,

and it literally...

- [chuckles]

- [audience laughing]

...sounded like a petting zoo, um,

where the animals were dying to get out.

She was like, [high, nasal]

"Oh, my God, Blake,

I can't wait for your soccer."

[cawing]

[normal] He was like... [groaning]

And she's like... [grunting and cawing]

And he was like... [groaning]

I never thought of getting a g*n

until that moment.

I was like...

[cheering and applause]

You know, having kids is interesting

because I-- uh, my parents are amazing,

but my father was tough.

You know, he was really tough.

He, he was the funniest person

I've ever met in my life,

and very loving in a lot of ways.

But he was tough, you know,

he was like-- had a temper,

um, and he w--

he also wore an enormous toupee.

And that is an interesting combination

because what he would do

when he was enraged

is that he would rip it off and throw it.

- Um... [chuckles]

- [audience laughing]

And... [chuckles] it had tape on it,

and it was very big.

Um...

like, we were in a store once

and he got very upset

and he's like, [gruff voice]

"I don't like these prices."

[imitates whooshing]

[normal] And he just...

[laughter]

...threw it into an aisle.

Um...

and then, he left the store,

and he's like, [gruff voice]

"Jessi, go get my hair."

[normal] And I'm like,

"Dad, that's a body part.

You know what I'm saying? Like, that's..."

So, I went to get it,

and I put it on my head,

and I've been wearing it ever since,

you know?

- Um, yeah.

- [laughter and applause]

Thank you for clapping

at my horrible hair.

That makes me feel good.

[applause continues]

Yeah, he, uh, he would, you know,

he'd get upset, like, when things

would spill or stuff, you know?

One time, I spill a cup of water,

and he literally was like, [gruff voice]

"Oh, man, there's water on the floor!"

[normal]

And I'm like, "It's-It's just a cup, Dad."

[gruff] "It's not a cup.

It's like a pitcher-full.

"There's a pitcher of water.

"It's gonna go everywhere.

It's like a flood.

"There's a flood in the house

and I'm gonna slip on it

"and I'm gonna break my neck.

"And business is bad. The market's a mess.

"But what the f*ck? What am I gonna do?

You caused the market to be a mess."

Um-- [snickering]

[normal] So, now

I overcompensate with my kids.

Like, I c-- I c-- I don't reprimand.

Like, my daughter

spilled water recently on me.

[frantic] "It's okay!

"It's okay that you spilled water!

"Mama spills water all the time!

You're not gonna be damaged!

"Look, Mama's spilling a bucket of water!

"Here's a hose. Look!

"Look, there's water all over the place!

It's okay!"

[normal] Anyway, um...

[audience laughing]

- ...my-- [chuckles]

- [cheering and applause]

My daughter put her finger

in the socket recently.

I'm like, [frantic] "It's okay you put

your finger in the socket!

"Mama put a toaster in the bath today!

I tried to k*ll myself!"

[cheering and applause]

[normal] My daughter literally wrote,

"I hate l*sbian Jews" on the floor,

and I'm like, [frantic]

"What a beautiful project!"

[audience laughing]

"You're so creative!"

Okay.

[slight chuckle]

[normal] I left there and f*cked my face

with 86 Twinkies.

That's what really happened.

[audience member 1]

Gotta do what you gotta do!

What?

[audience member 2]

You gotta do what you gotta do.

I love you. [New York accent]

"You gotta do what you gotta do."

[laughter and applause]

[normal] That's so New York.

[New York accent] "If you have to

f*ck your face with 86 Twinkies, do it."

[audience laughing]

- [cheering and applause]

- So New York. I love it.

- [cheering and applause continue]

- Yeah.

At least it wasn't 87.

[laughter]

I, uh, I almost blew up

during COVID again.

So, I was like, I better do something.

This is really true.

So, I joined Weight Watchers,

where you download the app

and it counts the points.

The problem is, I lie on it.

I lie on my own app,

and I'm the only one that sees it.

Do you know how f*cked up that is?

The other day, I had a pint of ice cream

and I wrote down, "One baby carrot."

- [audience laughing]

- [Jessica chuckles]

I also lie on other apps too.

I bought a Fitbit,

and now I just strap it on my dog

- and take him to the track. [laughs]

- [audience laughing]

And he's exhausted,

but I feel great about my progress.

- [laughs]

- [audience laughing]

I'm such a liar.

I don't even have a f*cking dog.

I don't.

[people laughing and clapping]

I lie when I'm getting room service.

This is so vulnerable.

Like, I don't have to tell

you guys this, but I do. [chuckles]

It's amazing.

Like, when I call, I don't want the person

knowing how much I'm ordering for myself.

I'll never even meet this person,

but I care what they think of me.

It's pathetic. So, I'll be like,

"Hi, can I get two orders

of chicken wings?

"Hold on. Do you want ranch?

[audience laughing]

"Or blue cheese?

"Okay, he'll have six sides of ranch.

"'Cause he's a fat f*ck, he is...

[laughter]

- ...out of control." [chuckles]

- [cheering and applause]

Yeah.

Yeah, it's amazing. I, uh--

You know, I really did

lose another person.

Like, weight-wise, I lost another person.

I lost my hungrier, happier self.

That's really...

Her name is Fatalie Porkman.

- Um...

- [audience laughing]

It's true, and sometimes

she comes to visit me,

and, uh, it's a lot, you know,

'cause she'll be like,

[hyper] "Remember when we would

go to the buffet

"and eat all the egg rolls?

"That was a blast!

"Remember when we got hit by a car,

"and the car was totaled?

"And we walked away unscathed?

[audience laughing]

"Remember [chuckling] when we stole

all the Halloween candy

from those three girls

and ran for our lives?"

[audience laughing]

[normal] That's exhausting,

I have to tell you.

That is a workout to do that character.

[hyper exclaiming]

[audience laughing]

I went to camp for fat kids.

Uh, it was-- No, it was great.

Some of you will get sad

because I don't know why.

Fat camp was fun.

We all went on our own bus.

- [people cheering]

- We used to play--

- [laughter and applause]

- We--

We used to play a lot of fun games

like breathing, chafing.

[audience laughing]

Try to hide and seek. That was fun.

[people cheering and clapping]

I would say to my friend, Jody,

"I can see you behind the barn.

[laughter]

You need to find a mountain.

I mean... [scoffs]"

There were no top bunks

for safety reasons, of course.

[laughter]

We loved playing catch...

our breath. You know, it was...

[audience laughing]

We used to have to go

for walks every morning.

That was great, we'd hear...

[imitates horn playing "Reveille"]

And we'd walk up and down hills,

you know, next to cattle.

This is totally true.

And people that would drive

into town would get-- be supportive.

You know, they'd yell out,

"Good job, kids!"

And we would go... [mooing]

[laughter and clapping]

[Jessica chuckles]

I gave my first handjob in fat camp.

This is totally true.

- [people cheering]

- It took me an hour to find his d*ck.

I'm like, "Where the f*ck is this thing?!"

It was like another camp activity.

[cheering and clapping]

I felt like I was kneading bread.

- [audience laughing]

- I really did, like I was ab... [chuckles]

Do you know when he came,

warm butter came out?

[audience laughing]

[Jessica laughs]

No wonder why I stayed fat.

It was delicious.

[audience screaming, laughing]

[people clapping]

[laughter continues]

[Jessica laughs]

So, I went to a trauma center. Um...

[Jessica laughing] I love that segue.

"It was warm butter, it was delicious.

I went to a trauma center."

And I got sober, uh, during COVID.

Um, and it was-- Thank you.

Thank you so much for supporting.

- [cheering and applause]

- I'm joking. I'm totally joking that.

Yeah, this is upbeat. Anyway, um,

no, it's great.

I mean, I-I had a problem with drugs.

You know you have a problem with cocaine

when you're like,

"It's my turn," and you're alone.

- [audience laughing]

- That's a f*cking problem.

You guys are so great.

[Jessica laughing]

I will relapse before I die.

I'm telling you,

I'm gonna relapse on crystal meth,

because I never tried it, and, um, I will.

I'll live in an over-55

development in Florida,

and I'll be like,

[high, squeaky voice] "I just ran

around the golf course 68 times.

Who wants to f*ck?"

[normal] You know what I'm saying?

[audience laughing]

- [Jessica grunting]

- [cheering and applause]

[high, squeaky] "Get over here, Shelby."

[exclaiming]

[laughter and clapping]

[normal] When I got to the, um,

the place, it was amazing

'cause the woman that checked me in,

uh, was unbelievable.

It was the first person I saw there.

And I literally walked in the office

and I sat down,

and she literally looked at me

and she's like,

[soft, nervous voice] "Hello.

"Welcome to the trauma center.

[audience laughing]

"You're gonna get a lot

of things done here.

"We're gonna take really good care of you.

"You're gonna heal a lot of wounds.

You're gonna do breath work

and exposure therapy."

[normal] I'm like, "Are you a patient?"

[audience laughing]

"Did you leave a group?"

Like, what the f*ck is going on right now?

I looked down to see

if she was wearing paper slippers.

I was like...

And then we dated, and it was really...

[laughter]

...an incredible relationship.

[cheering and applause]

I, uh, I did therapy with a horse.

Um, I did equine therapy. Don't even ask.

I would've never done this

if I wasn't in such bad shape. [laughs]

I mean, I'm very open, but this was a lot.

Uh...

and the woman took me down there

and she's like,

"We're gonna do therapy with a horse,

"and it's really gonna heal you.

"Um, you're gonna stand

across from the horse

"and the horse

is gonna take on your feelings,

and the horse is gonna mirror you."

And, um, I'm like, "If the horse

takes on my feelings

"and experiences what I'm experience,

"it's gonna f*cking k*ll itself, okay?

[laughter and clapping]

"It's gonna drop dead,

because I'm not okay.

Do you understand that

I'm not okay right now?" [chuckles]

So, I stood... [laughing]

across from this horse.

I'm literally staring

in this horse's face.

And I felt like it was like--

I really felt like the horse

was looking at me like,

"Wow, another horse."

You know what I mean? Like...

[audience laughing]

"She's pretty, you know?" I really...

And then I look down,

and the horse had a hard-on, I swear.

Has anyone ever seen

a horse with a hard-on?

It's, it's a wiffle bat. It is enormous.

It's this big, okay? It's huge.

And I really felt good. I'm not kidding.

It was the best I felt during

my time at the trauma center.

I finally turned something on.

And then I sucked it, and the thing is...

[raucous laughter]

[cheering and applause]

...I was shocked because warm butter

came out, you know what I mean?

[raucous laughter]

[Jessica chuckles]

I, uh, I really am trying

to take care of myself.

And, uh, you know,

I went to Sephora recently.

That's the butch thing about me,

I do not know how to put on makeup.

I've tried for years; I don't know how.

And when I put on makeup,

I look like I've been passed

around at a frat party.

It's a f*cking

- [chuckles] mess.

- [audience laughing]

So, I-- [laughs] I went to Sephora,

and I went up to the most

bedazzled g*y guy I could find.

- [cheering and applause]

- I know.

Heaven for me. Heaven, because I knew

he'd be honest with me.

'Cause those young girls

are full of sh*t, you know?

They're like, [high, nasal]

"You look great. You're doing a great job.

"You are. You can do it.

"And you're thin, you're thin.

And your boobs are even. They're real--"

[normal] And I'm like,

"No, my boobs aren't even,

and my bra looks like a dog toy."

But anyway...

I went up to him and I was like,

"Uh, can you help me?"

And literally, he looked at me

and he goes,

[energetic] "Oh, honey!

[audience laughing]

"We have a lot of work to do!

[laughter and applause]

"This b*tch is a mess. And she's famous.

"I know you from TikTok.

In every video,

you look like Michael Jackson."

[audience laughing]

[applause]

[people cheering and whistling]

[normal] I was there for hours,

I'm not kidding.

He spent hours on me.

Do you know, when I left there,

I looked like a drag queen.

- I looked like RuPaul.

- [audience laughing]

I had a wig on, a gown, high heels.

I had a d*ck. Do you understand?

[laughter]

I got head. You know, the thing is...

- [audience laughing]

- [Jessica chuckles]

I, uh-- This crowd, I have to tell you,

you guys have been unbelievable.

- I really love this crowd. Thank you.

- [cheering and applause]

I'm so grateful to you guys.

You know, I-I love my fans.

Uh, I-- been doing this for a long time,

and I am so grateful to my fans.

I'm so-- You know, I deal with

a lot of stuff you deal with,

uh, anxiety, depression.

And, um, I get messages every day,

uh, from people all over, like,

"Hi, Jessica, this is

your mentally ill fan from Ohio.

[laughter]

"I just wanna say I'm barely alive.

But your...

"video today about t*ts and Jews really...

- [audience laughing]

- [Jessica laughs]

"...really helped me

just wanna be here one more day.

I'm just hoping tomorrow's video

is as funny."

[laughter]

I'm like, "That's a lot

of pressure, Mary," like...

Because, you know, it's not easy.

You know, and I have anxiety.

I was walking down the street recently,

and these two girls

were walking in front of me,

and I'm having, like, that--

those heart palpitations

and all that stuff.

I know, some of you deal with it.

It's so hard.

And they were having

the craziest conversation.

This girl's like, [high, nasal]

"Oh, my God, Chelsea,

"you're not gonna believe this.

"But I was on TikTok,

and I post this video

"and, like, nobody liked it

and nobody commented.

"And I was, like, so upset

because, like, I'm an influencer.

"And, like, this is really upsetting

because, like, nobody commented.

"It was, like, really upsetting

'cause the algorithm's off.

And, like, the lighting was perfect,

and my makeup looked perfect."

[speaking gibberish rapidly]

- [cheering and applause]

- [normal] Right? I know.

Yeah.

I know, and then, the other girl was like,

[high, nasal] "Oh, my God, you should've

called me or texted me.

We're BFFs." [speaking gibberish rapidly]

[normal] So, I k*lled them.

I f*cking k*lled them.

- [cheering and applause]

- I did. I know.

I did. I k*lled them.

Because, like I said,

they're not gonna stop talking like that.

Like, you're gonna go

to a doctor and be like,

"Hi, I'm really not feeling well.

I have a fever."

[high, nasal]

"Oh, my God, are you congested?

"'Cause I was watching

a reel the other day,

"and this girl was, like, so congested,

and I was like, 'Oh, my God.

"How are you breathing right now?'

"Does your throat hurt?

Like, does it hurt when you swallow?

"Because I met the cutest guy

the other day, and I swallowed.

"I swallowed his load,

and I was like... [grunting]

And now, I'm like, 'Is he gonna call me?'"

[normal] How do you f*ck a girl like that?

Can you imagine?

[high, nasal] "Oh, my God, f*ck me harder.

You're not f*cking me harder.

"I said f*ck me harder.

You're not doing it.

"I said f*ck me harder.

Come on, f*ck me harder.

[low, gruff]

"f*ck me harder, m*therf*cker!

[audience laughing]

[high, nasal]

"Okay, you're f*cking me harder now.

"Do you love me? Do you love me?

"I know we just met, but do you love me?

Do you love me?

"Will you marry me? Do you love me?

You're not listening to me.

"No one ever listens to me.

Do you love me?

[low, gruff] "Do you love me?! Do you?!

[high, nasal] "Okay, okay, I think

I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.

"I'm gonna come, come, come.

I'm gonna come.

"I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.

"I'm gonna come. Here we go. Here we go.

- "Here we go! This is amazing!

- [audience cheering]

"Okay. Um, okay. Okay. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go."

[high-pitched, nasal moaning]

[barking loudly]

[normal] I'm losing my mind.

[continues barking]

[nasal moaning]

[singing in high, nasal voice]

We represent the lollipop guild

[normal] You guys are amazing.

Thank you so much.

- [cheering and applause]

- Oh, my God. Thank you. I love you.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

- I love you so much.

- [upbeat music playing]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, guys.

[cheering and applause]

[mouthing] Thank you so much.



[music fades out]