01x12 - Stage Fright

[bunniefuu]

Bright light city's gonna set my soul

Gonna set my soul on fire

I got a whole lot of money
that's ready to burn

So get those stakes up higher

I'm gonna give it everything I got

Lady Luck, please, let the dice stay hot

Let me sh**t a seven with every shot

Hey, viva Las Vegas

Viva Las Vegas

Viva
Viva

Las Vegas

- Did you pay the electric bill?
- I think so.

Because I got one of those
red notices in the mail.

- Now is not a good time.
- It's never a good time with you!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the star of our show,
Larry the lion!

I said, Larry the lion!

Larry, get out there.
That's your cue.

So many people.
Can't breathe. I can't do this.

- What is going on with Larry?
- Don't worry.

We'll improvise with one of
our classic comedy routines.

- Roy, who's on first?
- I am.

- How is it over there?
- Nice.

Thank you! We are hilarious!

Don't beat yourself up, Larry.
We all get nervous during shows.

You're not the first performer
to suffer from stage fright.

The great senator Joe Lieberman
used to get sick before every speech.

As opposed to Congress,
who got sick after.

- Hello, is this thing on?
- But soon you will be cured.

We are taking you
to the world's greatest therapist.

Hello, Kelsey Grammer.

Siegfried, Roy. Haven't heard
from you since that Christmas gift.

That was a mix-up.

The tiny negligee that said "World's
Greatest Grandma" was for Stevie Nicks.

That's not why we are here.
We need your help,

Dr. Frasier Crane of TV's Frasier.

We are bringing you
out of retirement

for one last case.

I appreciate you asking, but I'm not
a real therapist. I can't help you.

Do not be selling yourself short,
three-time Emmy winner Kelsey Grammer.

- Four.
- For two decades, you touched people

through that TV screen
and healed our nation.

You helped us forget acid rain, the
Ebola virus and Caroline in the City.

You can do this, Special K.
You are a great man.

Well, I...

All right, I suppose I am. I...
What the heck. I could give it a whirl.

Great! Pretend the lion
has called in to your radio show.

Just hearing your voice will help him.

OK. Steady now.

So, big fella,
what seems to be the problem?

It's my father! I hate him!

And then, when I was five,
he took me to The Sound of Music

and made me root
against the Von Trapps.

Go ahead, I'm listening.

So, you have stage fright.
Want to talk about it?

- Are you a therapist?
- I've picked up a thing or two.

Well, lately,
I get my cue to go on stage,

and I'm paralyzed with fear.
Aren't you gonna write that down?

Oh, OK. How do you spell "boring"?

I'm kidding, go on.

Anyway, it might have something to do

with this dream I keep having
where I go out onstage,

and I lose control of my bodily
functions in front of everyone.

Interesting. I heard them say you're
the lead lion. How did that come about?

- Well...
- Run, Liesl Von Trapp, run!

Your boyfriend Rolfe is one of them!

Well, the way I got the job
was totally bizarre.

I never really wanted
to be the star. It was a normal day...

So, how are things
in the bedroom with your wife?

- What's that have to do with stage fright?
- Nothing. Clearly impotent.

- Go on.
- So, I went to get my father-in-law Sarmoti.

As usual, he couldn't pass up
an opportunity to give me a hard time.

You know, when I grew up in Africa,

I didn't crack wise to my elders.

But what would you know?
You're zoo trash.

You spent your youth in a zoo
while I... I spent mine

roaming the grasslands, hunting
wildebeest, surviving by my wits,

all the while dreaming
of a country called America

and its glittering crown jewel:
Las Vegas.

- We really need to get going.
- What's your rush?

I was just thinking maybe
you need some time to stretch.

I noticed you kind of grazed the hoop
last night on your final jump.

- What are you saying, I'm old?
- No, I just...

Feel these haunches! Spring-loaded!

- No, I'm... I'm good.
- Feel 'em!

- I'd rather not.
- Do it!

Don't touch me, fruit cup.
Point is, I'm as strong as ever.

See you at the show.

The show means everything to Sarmoti.
To me, it was just a job.

Please accompany us now
as we travel to the mystical land

of the pharaohs and pyramids.

And burn 'em.

Oh, my God, they're gonna die!

Siegfried and Roy is gonna die!

Wow, Courtney Thorne-Smith
has a great living room.

Courtney. I licked her calves
in a ginger ale ad once.

Something chorus boys never get to do.

OK. Marbles, polish.
Tinkles, glug-glug.

Ginger, tushie.

God, I love this business.

Thank you. We are fine.

In fact, it was Siegfried
and I who doused the flames,

putting out the fire
which was burning.

And now, we must stop
and be very proud

to be introducing
to you our special guest:

The Vice Principal
for the United States, d*ck Cheney.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we present the magical white lions!

Keep your eyes
on the old pro tonight, cupcake.

I've got something
really special planned.

And now, the original white lion
it all began with,

the star of our show,
the Great Sarmoti!

And now we take to the air
to delight you from above.

Watch this, Larry.

- He defies the gravity...
- What is he doing?

He's not supposed
to be on the ball!

- Dad!
- Roy, the kitty!

- He is out of position!
- What? My hairpiece!

Wow. The old guy
went off his nut.

- Yeah, it was pretty crazy.
- I bet.

How often do you rock it
with the missus?

- What?
- You know, give her a good rogering.

Can't we just talk
about my father-in-law?

- Fine. Go ahead.
- Well, as you can imagine,

- it was a major incident... What?
- Seven.

I get with my lady seven times a day.
They think they had me fixed.

My father ignoring me.
My father ignoring me.

Mos Def in a rap battle with Eminem.

My father ignoring me.

If I may, Roy, you might
be projecting some of your anger

- toward your father instead...
- You're so serious, Kelsey.

Where is the Frasier wit, the classic
comedy that's like Three's Company

but has wine references
so I know it's smart?

Sounds like they're really making
progress in there, but how about you?

- Have some pâté, tell me more.
- Anyway, nobody was more freaked out

by Sarmoti's meltdown
than Siegfried and Roy.

This would not have happened
if you had flown your bicycle higher,

- further up, away from the ground.
- Oh, it is the flying?

No! It is your training of the kitty,
yes! That is my conclusion.

You know what I am conclusioning?
That you are hurtful to my person.

That's it!
I am disappearing myself to my room!

Enough of the weeping.

It is time for the drying of our eyes
and the doing of something.

We must do a change of the situation.

So that was it.
Sarmoti was out of the show,

and a family crisis was about to start.

What's happening now?

Simba was sad, and then Darth Vader
said some made-up African crap.

- It's not fair. My father doesn't deserve this.
- Right.

There wouldn't even be a show
without him. He is the show.

- Absolutely.
- Oh, my God. You're glad this happened.

- What are you talking about?
- You've got happy tail.

I do not. See?

You're pathetic. Come here.

I don't believe you.

Forgive me if I'm not as upset
as you. Your dad's always hated me.

- That's not true.
- First time I met him,

I try to be polite, I go
to sniff his bottom, he sprays me.

- You're missing the point.
- No, you're missing the point.

Your dad's losing it.
He screwed up tonight. Bad.

Siegfried and Roy
absolutely made the right call.

You know what?
You win, Larry. My dad's old.

Why don't we
sh**t him full of tranquilizers

and push him in the dolphin pool?

Dad, are we gonna k*ll Grandpa?

Come here.

Kate was mad, and my being sober didn't
help, so I headed down to the bar.

All your shrimp's right here, Vincent.
Five pounds, icy cold.

There's only three shrimp here.
Three shrimp do not make five pounds.

Everything contracts when it's cold.

I've seen you coming out of the pool,
and I know you know what I mean.

- You're dead, you rat b*stard!
- Rat b*stard?

I'm a gopher,
and my daddy married my mama.

- Hey, come here!
- Snack, we got to talk.

- What's up?
- Tip of the cap to Sarmoti, Larry.

Or should I say, tip of the rug?

- So, what's going on?
- Kate's mad at me.

I heard. Here's the problem.
You were right about Sarmoti,

but you picked
the wrong time to be right.

- But I am right.
- It doesn't matter.

Your play in this situation, Larry, is
to set aside your feelings for her dad

and just be there for her.
She needs you, man.

Since when do you
know so much about women?

Well, Larry, I find
that if you really listen to women,

you can pick up on important clues

that allow you to be truly sensitive
to their emotional needs.

Snack, honey,
are you gonna be done soon?

Woman, can't you see I'm talking?

Man, I hate seeing Kate so upset.

Damn! If I could just
get Sarmoti his job back.

Bold thinking, my chunky friend.

I got it. What you need
is someone who can talk to Roy.

And I don't like to brag,
but around these parts,

I'm known as "The Human Whisperer."

No one's ever called you that,
not even once.

Larry, King of the Jungle,
prepare to have your mind blown.

A little more argon than usual
for tonight's meditation, Leopold.

This unhappiness has given me a new
crow's feets, and I must vanquish him.

You see, when humans meditate,

their brains are more receptive
to subliminal stimuli.

That's S-T-I-M-U-L-I, no E.
Fine, I'll move on.

A portal opens, allowing
my thoughts and desires to enter.

- Where do you get this stuff?
- I read, Larry.

- And I make things up.
- Just do it.

Good evening, Roy.
Are you comfortable?

Hey! We're in!

How about this weather
we've been having?

They say it's a dry heat,
but tell that to my armpits.

Snack, hurry up. Come on.

You will keep Sarmoti in the show.

- As the star.
- As the star.

Repeat after me. I will keep Sarmoti
in the show as the star.

I will call my father
and let him know I forgive him.

What? No, no, no, no, no.
Keep Sarmoti in the show.

Do you hear me, you stupid human?
Keep...

Hey, Roy, how's it hangin'?

Herr Rodent! Herr Rodent!

Roy needs air! Roy needs air!

Oh, my God!

Roy, what is happening?
Why are you making of a commotion?

I am fine.

Larry, he saved my life.

As you saved his long ago.

- Can it be?
- Fate has spoken.

The circle is complete.

Larry is our new star.

- I am so happy I am sad.
- What if I made you beer cabbage?

Roy, I'm going to try something that we
did in episode 119, "Martin's New Hat."

My father
was a retired cop on the show...

With the old easy chair.
Very amusing. Get back to me.

Anyway, Frasier role-played with
a patient, and it was very cathartic.

- What does this "cathartic" mean?
- Not a clue.

Pasty writers in a conference room typed it
on a page, and I came home with these.

OK, look, I'm going to pretend
to be your father,

and I want you to talk to me.
Tell me how you feel.

Guten Tag, son.

Would you like to get some strudel
at the Kugelgarten?

Here are a few
of my favorite things, Papa!

So, let's stay on track.

How did your father-in-law
react to losing his job?

That was the problem. Poor guy
didn't even know he'd been fired.

What a night. You know, Ginger,
it was touch and go there for a moment,

but in the end, I saved it.

When are you going
to tell him he lost his job?

Yeah, all the greats improvise.

Sammy Davis Jr. once
accidentally set Ann-Margret on fire,

then tapped out the flames
with his magic feet.

I miss you,
you amazing one-eyed m*dget.

Mom, sack up.

- Dad, we need to talk about the show.
- The show.

Yeah, I think I'll do it
for another ten or 15 years,

then I'll hand it off to Hunter.
Would you like that, boy?

That'd be neat!

I love him, but that kid bums me out.

You guys are talking.
I can come back later.

- What do you have behind your back?
- Nothing. Nothing.

What, are we playing a fakakta game?
Let me see it.

That's mine. I must have dropped
that onstage during all the hoo-ha.

Thanks.

I'm lit. Now let's find you
that nurse's outfit.

- I couldn't tell him.
- Here's something else you can't tell him.

- I'm the new lead lion in the show.
- Holy crap.

- I felt bad about our fight before...
- Whipped.

- I went to see Siegfried and Roy...
- Freaks.

All right, Sierra, out.

How come I am never included
in the adult discussions?

I told Kate what happened.
That was the easy part.

Now I had to break
the bad news to Sarmoti.

Hey, folks, how you doing tonight?

Good. And you, sir, is that your wife,
or did you lose a bet?

Sarmoti, there's something
I need to tell you.

What, you finally realized
you're not good enough for my daughter?

No, no, no, that's not it.

I'm rehearsing here,
and each second you spend stammering,

I could be getting better.

Well, actually, it's about the show.

You know how I've stayed
on top for so long?

It's not just good breeding.

- I know, but...
- It's my work ethic. Honed in the wild.

When I grew up in Africa...

You've been fired, you crazy old coot!

- What?
- They fired you and made me the lead.

That's why I had the medallion.
Siegfried and Roy gave it to me.

Crap.

I guess part of me
knew this was coming.

Well, it was a hell of a ride.

Did I ever tell you about the time I
worked with the great Jackie Gleason?

That was a good time.

Yes, sir, that was a good time.

- Stop that.
- OK.

Look, I don't know what to say,
I don't know how to cheer you up,

and I definitely don't know
if I can follow in your footsteps.

Well, there's one way to find out.

So, there you have it.

I got a job I never wanted,
and now I have bad dreams

and I can't get myself
to go out on stage.

OK, I've heard enough.
It's epiphany time.

You feel guilty about taking
your father-in-law's job,

- but a part of you is happy.
- That's not true.

You don't like
being the star of the show?

- No, I never wanted this.
- You're not that kind of guy.

- You're just a regular Joe.
- That's right.

'Cause you don't like the fame,
the adulation,

- the Laker tickets...
- Yes, OK?

It's great! People look up to me.

I get to come to
Kelsey Grammer's house and eat pâté!

- What's not to like?
- And there's our breakthrough!

- Thank you!
- What?

You want the spotlight,
but you hate yourself for wanting it.

Once you accept
that you like being lead lion,

you can forgive yourself
for being happy.

- I don't know.
- Be honest with yourself, Larry.

Then no more stage fright,

no more dreams about
intestinal distress onstage.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going
to go get freaky with Mrs. Cat.

Kelsey, I'm sorry.
I just got carried away.

Oh, no. I'm sorry I couldn't be of
greater assistance as a therapist.

It's OK. I think this helped me.
Not so much with my father,

but it makes me feel better
knowing I can whup your a*s.

Come, Roy. Hopefully, this trip
to Malibu has done Larry some good.

- Thanks for everything, Kelsey.
- Great seeing you. Have a nice trip.

What an ordeal.

Oh, good God, Mittens,
I thought we had you fixed!

Here he is, the star of our show,
Larry the lion!

Larry, can you do this?

You know what, Kate? I can.
I want to be out there.

I like being star of the show.
And that's OK.

How do you like me now, Vegas?

Shouldn't have had that pâté.

- So, Larry is cured.
- Yes, he is.

It's right by the pyramid.
You can't miss it.

And so we close the book
on another day of magic and mystery.

No, not yet.

Now.