01x13 - The Siegfried and Roy Fantasy Experience Movie

[bunniefuu]

Bright light city's gonna set my soul

Gonna set my soul on fire

I got a whole lot of money
that's ready to burn

So get those stakes up high

I'm gonna give it everything I got

Lady Luck,
please let the dice stay hot

Let me sh**t a seven with every shot

Hey, viva Las Vegas

Viva, Las Vegas

Viva, viva

Las Vegas

Let's go, Roy, quickly!
It is a code red!

- How bad is it?
- Really bad!

Right in the forehead!

- Ah, we are whole again.
- Ja, it is so beautiful.

Looks like us,
but our heads are big and awesome.

A toast. To another 30 years
of magic and mystery.

"Dante und Phil"?

"The hottest new magicians in Vegas"?

Ja, just a splash.

Guys, clear out.
We're having a grown-up party.

Will there be wife-swapping?
'ludes? Keys in a hat?

No.

- Those days are over.
- What are you doing?

It's the first night of Bill Murray
week. All the guys are coming over.

But it's our night off. I thought
we were gonna spend it together.

I guess I can watch the movie
with you guys.

- Good.
- Unless you don't want me to.

No. It'd be fun to have a sophisticated,
intelligent person here,

not laughing, reminding me that
excessive drinking at my age is sad.

That's nice. I actually like
spending time with you.

- You're my best friend.
- And you're my best friend,

but I can't be your whole universe.
You should find your own passions.

I love Bill Murray. What do you love,
Kate? What flips your lid?

I get it. Maybe it'll be good for me
to get out and explore something new.

Sounds good. You make it, I'll eat it.

- Hey, guys.
- Over here.

Did somebody order morons?
They're here.

Who's the fegalah wearing cologne?

We must go check out
this Dante and Phil.

But how will it look if we are seen
at the performance of other magicians?

You are right. We shall go incognito.

Welcome to Las Vegas,
America's entertainment capital.

- Where to?
- The Fandango Hotel, please.

Boy, Jerry, it was great of our boss to
send us to the big business convention.

Ja. Here, hold my wedding ring.
International waters!

Look. An ad for Dante and Phil.

Magic.

Madness.

Wolven.

Dante and Phil.

It's so strange.No one will like it.

Ja. People come to Las Vegas
to get away from wolves.

You talking about Dante and Phil?
The wife and I loved it.

They transformed into werewolves.
Real mysterious.

Really? How do you feel about...
I don't know... Siegfried and Roy?

They're great.
I've seen their show 12 times.

- Only 12 times?
- You're saying they're horrible!

- You're grown tired of the spectacle?
- Animatronic robot dragons bore you?

- This is a disaster.
- Ja. Their story is so mysterious.

How can we compete with wolven men?

I know. The story of our meeting
on a cruise ship is so generic.

You, a young illusionist, and me, a
cabin boy with a cheetah in his gym bag.

Take us back to the Mirage. I need to
ponder this among my 42 white tigers.

I mean, our district manager
is going to rip us a new one.

Ja, how about Johnson's new secretary?
She's rack-tastic!

Okay, you're gonna love
this women's group.

I don't know, Foo-Lin.
This is my big night out without Larry.

I wanna raise the roof,
get jiggy with it, do the wild thing.

Why are you talking
like a black man from 1991?

Come on, all the women do
in these groups is rail on men.

Just try and keep an open mind.
The leader is really inspiring.

She makes that fat little
Doctor Phil look like a fraud.

Grab a cushion. If you get thirsty,
there's iced chai in the fridge.

Hi, everyone. You know Kate.

The goddess within me
greets the goddess within you.

I like men!

We were talking about how many women
are unhappy with their role in society.

Tell me, why do we feel unfulfilled?

Because we're bad and ugly,
and nobody loves us?

No, because we allow men
to dictate our sense of self.

We have to take responsibility
for our lives, as well as our orgasms.

As long as I have this,
I don't need a man.

Story of my life.

Society allows us to be
whoever we want to be,

but only after we've met
our man's every need.

- That's just like Kate and her husband!
- Foo-Lin, stop it!

It's okay, honey. You're safe here.
Tell them how your whole life is a lie.

No. Things are wonderful at my house.
Ladies, lighten up.

Let's down a pitcher of mojitos
and climb on the groove train.

Denial is a natural defense, Kate.

I think we'd all like to see you have
a seat in the "I need help" chair.

- Let us be your strength.
- Sit on us.

You guys, I'm fine. I have a life
that most people would envy.

Kate!

If you can hear this,
where's the remote?

We accidentally changed the channel.

And how long
until this cheese goes bad?

Because I took a chance and ate it.

Anyway, we're at grunt-level orange
on this remote situation.

- I need you!
- Come on.

And now, Lifetime presents
Christine Lahti in A Kidney for Skyler.

Oh, God!

Knock, knock, Mr. Grumpy. Stop with
the bumming and start with the humming!

What is it?

I have a plan so we will never have
to worry about Dante and Phil again.

I've thought about it too,
but the police will trace it to us.

I'm not going back to prison.
Not for you, not for anyone.

No. It is time to create a testament
to the legend of us, Siegfried and Roy.

- Like a pamphlet or brochure?
- Bigger.

- Some kind of table tent?
- No, bigger.

"Siegfried and Roy:
The Movie Fantasy Experience Movie"!

It's the way to reinvent ourselves.

Is it possible?
We've been around forever!

If Tony Bennett can do it with his Greg
Brady perm and old-man smell, so can we!

But a movie? We know nothing
about making a movie!

- No. But he does.
- Hi, guys.

Holy potatoes, it's Martin Scorsese!

To make our movie, I got the director of
Raging Bull, Goodfellas and Star Wars.

I didn't direct Star Wars,
George Lucas did.

Sure it was, Mr. Modest.

We have been big fans of yours
since we saw 3PO and R2

save everyone
from the trash compactor.

On the detention level.

Guys, I'm so excited about this movie.
I think I got some really great ideas.

Wunderbar. Before I begin, do you mind
if I check you for old man smell?

He's okay, but we better move quickly.

All right, boys, settle in.
Bill Murray week, night two.

My wife thinks
I'm at the emergency room.

Remind me to drink some bleach
before I go home.

- Hey. I'm going to my group again.
- Honey, that's terrific.

It is! It's really allowing me to find
myself and my connection to the wild.

Lily's helping me visualize
the possibilities of my womanhood.

Sounds good. You make it, I'll eat it.

Now, let's get this party started.

We're gonna watch some Bill Murray
And drink some beers

And have some pizza
Beers and pizza, beers and pizza

Okay, ladies, tonight, part two
of our journey to female empowerment.

Sister becomes woman
Woman becomes sister

Remember, in the wild,
female cats are the hunters.

Babies from our groins
Power from our loins

Lily, I can't do this.
I'm not really the hunting type.

Perhaps you'd rather be fetching
bossman some coffee.

- But...
- Go!

- It's just that...
- Now!

- Let's hear it for Kate!
- You go, girl!

And let's also hear it
for Dolores the rabbit,

our guest prey
for tonight's role-play exercise.

- Role-play?
- That's right.

Dolores, come on out and take a bow.
Don't be shy.

- She said she had to take off.
- Oh, well. See you next week, Dolores.

You're the best foster mom
those blind kids could ever have.

Come on, ladies, on with the hunt.

We are goddesses!

Let's go cut off a p*nis!

Foo-Lin, you might need
a different group.

And, action!

Siegfried, I am just
a simple German cabin boy.

I can only imagine what it must be like
to travel first class.

Hold onto your dreams,
and one day we will, Roy.

But how? We are half fish
and half men.

My hidden gills crave to return
to our watery kingdom.

Cut. Where are these new lines from?
"Half fish, half man," "watery kingdom?"

The script was too ordinary.
We need people to think we are fish men.

This is not amateur hour.
We are competing with wolf people!

We want the Star Wars magic!

I wanna tell your story.
The way it happened.

Our story is boring.
It's like Book Talk on C-SPAN boring!

I admire what you've achieved.

When I think of the lives
you've touched, I get goosebumps.

- Martin, you're fired.
- What?

We're not on the same page creatively.

You're on some other page
which is different.

Stick with what you know.
Go and make your Godfather IV.

"Just when you're out,
they pull you back in."

- Right? You're terrific.
- Thanks for coming out.

Show me the money. How do you do it?
Okay, then, bye-bye.

Were we right to fire Scorsese?

Gangs Of New York aside,
he seems to know what he's doing.

Do not be worried.
I, Roy, will direct this movie.

You? You've never
directed a movie before.

- Haven't I? Haven't I?
- No.

Why did I think I had?

Who directed Braveheart?
It was somebody's first movie.

Ghostbusters is a perfect movie.

Although, if you ask me,
Ernie Hudson carries it.

How did Bill Murray
not win Best Actor that year?

Come on, that guy from Amadeus?
I say, "F." Murray Abraham!

Come on, gals. Now, breathe.

- Breathe!
- What the...?

That's it, ladies. Push. Push.

She's crowning. Congratulations.

It's a woman.

What the hell was that?

Wow, that was great. I feel so alive.

I'm gonna run inside and get us
some red zinger. Back in a sec.

- Hey, hon.
- Hi.

- You must be Kate's husband.
- Yeah.

Why did my wife just emerge
from a pretend uterus?

I wouldn't read too much into it, Barry.

- Larry.
- Larry. Good for you.

I've got the tea
and some scented candles.

Hey, Kate, where you going?
Rebirth, huh? That's cool.

Look, you're home, the guys are leaving.

We could spend a little time together.

Now's not really good for me.
Don't wait up.

Perhaps we should form a search party.

- For what?
- To look for your nuts.

Okay, people,
let's get the next shot set up.

- This man needs hair and make-up.
- I'm a cameraman.

I know, but take some blush.
We don't need any heroes.

All right, Siegfried. Action.

Cue octopus!

He will drag me to his inky lair.
Surely I will drown in the briny deep.

Cut! If I'd wanted acting like this,
I would have gotten Tobey Maguire.

I can't do this. Look at zis costume.
I feel ridiculous.

But you are Kelldon, King of ze Mermen.

No, I am Siegfried, a dignified man.

I should be wearing
reflective spandex trousers,

und a coat from a non-existent army.

Don't be a fool. Do you want
to be made a thing of the past,

like wooly mammoths and mouth-kissing?

Herr Scorsese was right.
Und if we lose touch with who we are,

it will ruin the integrity of our show.

There won't be any show
if we let ze competition destroy us.

There will always be a show.
As long as we have magic,

and people who have lost all their money
and need something to do for two hours.

Good luck with your movie.

Good news. The old lady's going out
with her woman's group again tonight.

I'm free, flyin' solo, not a care...

- Wake up, man. You've lost her!
- What are you talking about?

- It's just a group of girls...
- A group? Empowered warrior goddesses.

They steal our testosterone
and keep us in cages.

Chutney, take your pill.

Fine.

Crazy elephant's got a point, Larry.
Your wife's out of control.

That Lily's bad news, my friend.

Filling women's heads with the idea
they don't need men.

Nobody needs men.
They're crude and disgusting.

I myself have consulted a doctor about
aggressive gender reassignment.

That's ridiculous. Kate needs me,
we've been together for 20 years.

'Cause you kept her in the dark.
Well, now Lily is waking her up.

And you don't want her awake.
You want her half-dead.

You guys are crazy.
I'm not worried about Kate.

You better be. Wife's running around
with the she-male man hater's club.

It's an embarrassment. In my day,
the man laid down the law.

You don't like something, forbid it.

Thank you, Ayatollah Rafsanjani.

You know, 'cause Islamic fundamentalists
have outdated views on women.

Jeez, pick up a newspaper.

Sarmoti's got a point, Larry.

Sure does.

You're all crazy. Kate and I get each
other in ways you wouldn't understand.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to
spend some time with my best friend.

My wife.

I just had the craziest dream

that I was an elephant.

Mr. Roy, I've got another actor
on line one. It's Sir Ben Kingsley.

Hello, Kingsley. Go.

Hi, Roy, my agent said you need someone
to play Siegfried in a new movie.

Ja, ja, did you get script? It is
fantastic, yes? Thank you, I am Roy.

I'm not used to auditioning
over the phone.

Just describe the expression
on your face while you perform.

- Begin.
- Okay...

"Listen to me, David Copperfield..."

- Expression?
- I'm squinting.

And my jaw looks determined.

Good.

"I removed the tracking chip
you put in my ear..."

I'm sorry, I'm looking at your head shot

and you're not the guy
who played Picard on Star Trek.

No, that was Patrick Stewart.

- I'm afraid this isn't going to work.
- That's too bad.

- Expression?
- I'm sad and a little frustrated.

Good.

Mom, Hunter's using your copy
of Our Bodies, Our Selves

to discover his body himself.

- That's nice.
- Hey, hon.

Painting, huh?
You know what's great about us?

We both love art.

- So what is it?
- I won't know until I'm done.

It's an expression
of my innermost feelings.

- It's a horse.
- It's not.

It is. There's the saddle, there's
the friendly Indian, his best pal.

I see anger,
with a touch of hopefulness.

Exactly.

Hey, honey, I thought we could spend
some quiet time together.

There's a great foreign movie on TV.

It's about a Mexican lady
with one eyebrow.

I have another thing
with the girls tonight.

Again? That's three nights in a row.

- What am I supposed to do?
- I don't know. Find your own fun.

I can't be your whole universe.

Well, I'd really rather you didn't go.

- Sorry, I have plans.
- I'm telling you you need to be here.

And I'm telling you I'm going
to my women's group.

I forbid you from leaving this house!

You forbid me? Forbid me?

This is not funny!

This is my house, and, and...
I make the rules!

Okay. Bye, Larry.

Hey, Mom's painting.

Don't worry,
you did the right thing with Kate.

Absolutely. Now forget about it.
You're with the guys tonight.

Yeah, it's great to be with the guys.
Guys are fun. Guys get it.

Well, well, the g*ng's all here.

I don't have a lot of time
so moron, moron, idiot, moron...

moron.

I took your advice and forbid Kate
from going to her group.

- You what?
- Yeah, she's out now, but...

Are you nuts?
You can't talk to a woman like that.

- What? But you said...
- Larry, I hate you.

I'm not gonna give you good advice.

For your information, my friends happen
to think what I did made a lot of sense.

- And I trust their judgment.
- Say you like dudes.

- I will not.
- Say Johnny Depp is yummy.

I just enjoy his acting.

- He's delicious!
- I'm gonna go talk to my wife.

I am at a dead end.

There's only one actor in Hollywood
with the chops to play Siegfried.

Unfortunately, I cannot swallow my pride
and call Ice Cube.

Mr. Roy, there's one more person
waiting to audition.

All right, just send him in.

Siegfried Fischbacher, reading
for the part of Siegfried Fischbacher.

Very well. Do you have the script?

Ja, but I have a question.

- If that is okay.
- Of course.

It says I have been cryogenically frozen
on the return journey from Atlantis.

- Und I was wondering...
- No, you have not been frozen.

It is I who have been frozen. To the
friendship most important in my life.

You are Siegfried Fischbacher, a young
man who has a dream of making magic,

and that is more than enough.

Are you sure?
What about Dante und Phil?

Who cares about them?
By the way, I did a rewrite.

"We open on two humble Germans
on a cruise ship."

One is a young illusionist
und ze other is a steward,

with a cheetah named Chico
in his gym bag.

Mr. Roy, James Brolin called. He's very
interested in playing Siegfried.

Yes!

Oh.

- That's Lily's house right there.
- Thanks.

If you get a weird package from Sweden,
those are my hormone pills.

With any luck,
I'll have breasts by Christmas.

I've gotta get Kate back.
I've just gotta be calm.

Keep it cool.

Hello, Larry.

Give me back my wife,
you crazy lesbians!

- Larry!
- Kate.

- What is wrong with you?
- Since I told you to get a passion,

you've been painting, being reborn,
wearing sandals.

It's not a good look for you.
You got thick ankles and hairy toes.

Oh, my God, are you feeling insecure
because of my group?

Of course I am. I'm such an idiot.

I pushed you away and forced you
to realize you don't need me.

- Now there's no heading back.
- Yeah, later, sucker.

Who keeps bringing her?

Larry, just because I'm growing a little
and finding new interests

doesn't mean I love you any less.

To quote a little movie called Stripes,

"You're my big toe."

- Oh, Kate.
- You're my Sgt. Hulka.

You're the guy who keeps me balanced
and moving forward.

You're kinda butchering it.

I still have another half hour here,
you can hang out if you want.

I'd like that.

Okay, ladies, it's time to learn
to love our special flowers.

Everyone take out your hand mirrors.

Yeah...

I gotta go...