01x03 - as*ault and Battery

[bunniefuu]

Earthworm Jim and his third baron,

Sidekick Peter Puppy, are about to be

destroyed by the insidious Professor

Monkey for a head. Will

you stop that?It is time

to get evil. Now I will fry your

puny worm body and the super suit

will once again be

mine. Fine, fine, fine. Once again be

ours satisfied. No, I have

lost my train of thought. Must

break free.

Whoops-a-daisy. Steady, steady.

Ready, aim.

Huh Groovy! And oh,

would you believe I meant to do that?Not

a chance, big fella. Come on, little

buddy. I've

got some players in the garage.

Fire.

Earthworm Jim. The soil he did crawl.

Earthworm Jim. A super suit to fall. Jim

was just the dirt eating chewy lengths of

worm flesh. But all that came to a crash

again. Earthworm Jim. He's such

a groovy guy. Earthworm Jim. He rocks

through the sky, cruising through the

universe, having lots of fun. And here

comes Earthworm Jim. You know that he's a

mighty one. Look out!

Despite his great big muscles And his

really big gray g*n Jim is still an

earthworm But then he's the only one With

a super tune to make him really super

strong Jim can be a winner if we only

sing about right Earthworm Jim We think

he's mighty fine Earthworm Jim A hero

for all timeWorm, worm, worm,

worm, worm, worms in Four,

three, four Groovy.

Morning in the sleepy town of Turlock.

Flowers bloom. Birds

sing.

Well, I woke up this morning,

oh I was just too late to catch no

worm How much?And

Turlock's most unusual resident greets

the new day. Morning, neighbor.

Morning, hideous freak of nature. Unaware

that disaster awaits.

By the great worm spirit whose burrows

dwarf the meager works of man. The

paperboy's been missing the porch again.

Hark! The paperboy's nigh. My invincible

might will help him hit the porch this

manana.

I got it. I got it. It was up to me

now. After the hours of sweat and

practice, the weeks of training, the long

nights at the diner, tossing waffles, it

all came down to this one catch. At

last, I was a player in the big game of

life. Too bad I hadn't read the rules in

the top of the box. Oh, the funnies.

Why are you moving in slow motion?

Just messing with the law of gravity, as

only I can. Heavens to

Betsy. Don't know what's

wrong. Suddenly feel

so weak. Well, you've been lifting so

much heavy stuff. Mountains, houses.

Maybe you've drained the suit's power.

Oh, dear. Looks like rain.

Yes, it is rain. A rain of terror

from beyond the stars. Green, pulsating,

bloated, festering, sweaty, pus-filled,

malformed slug for a bot has come in

search of Jim's super suit. Back off,

top boy. Right?Sorry.

Find Earthworm Jim, or I shall feast on

your entrails at dawn. Uh,

make that around 10:30. I usually sleep

in on Wednesdays.

Jim is suddenly embroiled in a desperate

battle with some fearsome Zurb warriors,

but he is just too weak to prevail.

Hey, I never flee from danger.

You can be macho later, Jim.

Right now, we need a safe place to hide

while you figure out what's wrong with

the suit. Let's see. Where's a

place no one ever goes?

Hey, this haggis stuff is great. Hey,

how come no one ever comes here?Because

haggis is made from the heart, lungs, and

liver of a sheep boiled in its own

stomach. I've been reading the suit's

user's manual. There's only one way to

find out what's wrong. I've got

to go inside this bad boy. I

mean, really inside.

Peter, you keep a lookout while Snot and

I journey to the center of the suit. I

don't know, Snot. Who's Jules Verne?

Heart, lungs, and liver.

Yeah, they just put these up to keep out

the tourists.

HmmCuriouser

and curiouser, what do we do now?

Good suggestion, snot, but I don't think

my mouth will hold that much marmalade.

Aha!

OK, I'll bite.

You're right! This is a violation of the

laws of physics. I'll notify the physics

police at once!

Come on! My uncanny worm senses tell me

our answer lies this way. Destroy

intruders. Destroy intruders.

Yeah! Go get 'em! Eh, oh,

you mean us.

Destroy intruders. Hiss.

Hiss. Hello. I am a steam pipe. The

intruders went that way. Hiss. Hiss.

Steam. Thanks,

pal. Aha! We've found Control

Central.

But how can we decipher these incredibly

complicated readings?

The battery's low. The Zerbs could

strike at any second.

Is this the end for Peter and Jim?

Will they be ground into paste?Will they

be torn to bits?Will their bones be?Give

it a rest, will you?Right. Stay tuned to

find out.

Hello. Are you bored with life?

Yearning for excitement?Then come

on down. The psychro school of

nefarious space felony. I'll train you in

all aspects of evil. You'll learn the

secrets of maniacal laughter. Ah

ha ha ha ha. You'll

amaze your friends with your fiendish

vocabulary. Face my...

Awesome, rough, vile

do-gooder. I shall...

destroy you. A minor backset.

Setback. And you'll attend a

special space villain support group.

You're bad. You're so bad. And

that's good, but in a bad way.

Because if you don't respect

yourself, no one will tremble at your

feet and abject pyra. Before I

took Cycrow's course, I was a

simple dairy farmer. Now,

dig me, I've got a monkey

grafted to my head.

No, I was not making eyes at that

gorilla. I'm a happily grafted man.

Psychro's students are the most capable

villains I've battled. Psychro, you're

number one. On the galactic most wanted

list, that is.

You said it! Accursed dog Ooda.

Let's do good at... You know what I'm

saying?Call today. And remember our

motto. The wages of sin is dead. But

the hours are good. And

now back to Earthworm Jim.

When we left our heroes, Peter was hiding

from the evil Zerb warriors as they

searched for Jim's suit.

What's going on?So scared.

Going to... Going to... No! Bad

time. Bad time. Let's try next door.

Grab some of that haggis for later.

Down, boy. Down, boy.

The soup. Get it.

I'm groovy.

Foolish villains cower before evil's

mysterious foe, Johnny Daptoe.

Johnny Dactyl, you old sweater girl, you

saved our bacon like the fall of. night I

come, and silent as a cloud I go.

Let evil tremble before the wrath

of... Stupid CD player.

I was almost done with my mysterious

speech. Oh, I thought you were very

mysterious. No, it's ruined.

It's all ruined!

Touchy. Growing weaker by the

moment. I must get my strength

back. Earthworm Jim, you

have until sunset to bring me

your suit, or I will

destroy this pentacle town!

Thank you, and have a nice day.

This message will rip me. Right.

Only one chance. We must go to the secret

headquarters and consult my super

advanced computer.

Luckily, I have a secret entrance hidden

in this restroom stall.

Jim, I think it's this stall. Ew.

The super advanced worm pewter miracle of

modern technology does its usual

brilliant job. What do you mean invalid

parameters?9000 gigs of RAM and it can't

answer a simple question.

Dang. Why don't we just look and see what

kind of battery is in there?Then we can

get a new one. Good thinking, little

buddy. Dang.

Have a look.

The gods. What does it say on the battery?

Like I said, gods! Of course!

It's the Battery of the Gods!

Oh, I think the suit's getting worse.

Really?What gives you that

idea?We need a new battery or

Turlock is doomed. We must go to the

fabled, long-sought home

of the gods. The

fabled, long-sought home of the

gods?Thousands have searched for it and

perished. Yes, but I have

something they didn't have. The

phone book of the gods.

Here we go. Gods, home of

fabled, long-sought.

Halt, mortals! I am the

doorman of the gods.

None shall

pass. Defy me, and

my mighty blade shall...

Wow, a whole dollar! Oh,

be my guest!

Check it out. Mortals.

They like us. Groovy. Eh, let's destroy

them. Cool. I've got some new lightning

bolts I've been wanting to try out.

Man! The gods stink!

We now return to our heroes, about to be

destroyed by the gods

themselves. Looks like the end.

Peter, I've always wanted you to have

this. Gee, thanks.

What is it?I don't know. I found it in my

armpit. Wait! We've come

asking a favor. You You can't just

destroy us. We can't?Are you

sure?Oh, of course! The

gods love meddling in mortal affairs!

Don't you know that?Well,

uh.. Actually, we're kind of doing this.

We're just gods in trading, you

see. Yeah, sure. You know, all the

biggies are at a party in Valhalla. We

never get invited anywhere. Go.

Where are my batters?Bortles.

This is Japious, God of

pugs. Hey, is a

little worm in here?Let me give you a

hand.

This, of course, is a

terpsicery, goddess of disco.

Excuse me?Can't hear a thing when I'm

listening to my walk, God. And I

am Phlebophus, God of nasal

discharge.

I think I know why these guys never get

invited to parties. Aren't

you a handsome little fellow?

Here, have a doze, flute.

Well, this is all just scrumptious, but

we've come to ask for the battery of the

gods. We better consult

the employee handbook of the gods.

Let's see. Dealing with requests.

It says cast mortals into the pit

of eternal torment.

Ohh The pages are stuck together.

That's the one on dealing with

unbelievers.

Sorry, guys. My Miss Snake.

Enough with the puds. Don't

make me summon my fearsome nose,

Tibbits. OK, OKHey,

why don't we ask them a riddle like the

Sphinx does?OK, worm,

what is the sound of one hand

clapping?They'll never get it. Trust me.

UhOh, I know. Peter,

reattach my arm. Must

raise hand.

Well, worm, what is the sound of one hand

clapping?

Well, we can't argue with that. OK, who's

got a battery?

Hey, why is everyone looking at me?

At last. My suit is complete

again!

Groovy! Great.

Now I'll have to listen to the nose flute

all night. Yes!

Dose flute boogie.

That sound! That

horrible sound! Losing

consciousness! I kind of like it. That's

because you don't have any ears!

Come on, the Queen's going to destroy

Turlock at sunset. Back in

Turlock, sunset rapidly approaches.

Oh, close enough. OK, destroy the

town. Not so

fast. Oh, slug, butted one.

I'm ready to take you on. I've got a new

battery and I'm as strong as a yeah, oh,

you know, a big thing. People write

them right in the tip of my tongue.

Foolish worm. You cannot hope to

defeat my mighty zerbs. I shall have

your spine for a coat hanger.

Worms don't have spines. See?

So many of them, Jim. How can we ever

beat them all?No problem, fuzz buddy.

Snot the nose flute.

That song. Wrest them. Poker

must be...

Cowards! Your

bones will be my hockey sticks and your

skulls my pox! Man, you

really get away with words. Shame I'll

have to kick her big, honking, sluggy butt

You dirt foul, slimy

monarch!

Are you done?Yeah. That's pretty much my

whole repertoire. Then prepare to be

incinerated! How do you prepare for

something like that?

Hey, that could have hurt.

Victory is my term.

It was up to me now. After the hours of

sweat and practice, the weeks of

training, the centuries of w*r, plague,

and famine, it all came down to this one

pitch. All right!

They don't award trophies in the big game

of life, but if they did, mine would have

said... Horse!Strong

as a horse, that's it!

Ohh Turlock is saved!

Yeah.

The Queen is toast, I'm as strong as a

horse, and I feel a song

coming in! Not the nose

flute!

Everybody's a critic!