02x03 - Darwin's Nightmare

[bunniefuu]

Warning. The following program contains

scenes of graphic strangeness. Persons of

a sensitive nature are advised not to

watch. And don't sit so close to the

TV. You'll ruin your eyes.

Our episode begins as Bob the k*ller

Goldfish attempts to flood the universe

by blocking up the cosmic

commode. Mayor #4.

Release the toilet paper.

Once the universe is ready, this should

rule. It is our destiny. We

are the highest form of life.

We've got to do something. Don't worry,

fuzz buddy. Fixing toilets is a snap for

my four hyper-intelligent brains. In a

right triangle, the square of the length

of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of

the squares of the lengths of the other

two sides. Stupid

brains! Don't you know anything beside

the Pythagorean theorem?Jim,

why don't you just jiggle the handle?

Peter, you old kettle drum, you're a

genius! Kettle drum?

I never get to have any fun. What do you

mean by kettle drum?Don't question

me.

Vaya con huevos, ya unrevorants!

Thus, Bob's evil plan is... You

think I'm getting fat, don't you?

Fat like a kettle drum! Get off

my back, dog boy!

Earthworm Jim. The soil he did crawl.

Earthworm Jim. A super, super fall. Jim

was just a dirt, eating chewy lengths of

worm flesh. But all that came to a crash

again. Earthworm Jim. He's

such a groovy guy. Earthworm Jim. He

rockets through the sky, grooving through

the universe, having lots of fun. Here

comes Earthworm Jim. You know that he's a

mighty one.

Despite his great big muscles And his

really big gray g*n Jim is still an

earthworm But then he's the only one With

a super suit to make him really super

strong Jim can be a winner if we only

sing along all right Earthworm Jim We

think he's mighty fine Earthworm Jim A

hero for all time Earthworm, earthworm

Earthworm, earthworm Jim All great

Go groovy.

Later, Bob has decided on a new approach

to universal conquest. Well,

if I can't change the universe to suit

myself, I shall change myself to suit the

universe. I still

believe fish are the highest form of

life, of course. But if I'm ever going to

conquer this particular universe, I'm

going to need me some arms and legs.

Y'all have no idea how hard this kind of

work is with fins. And that's why I must

evolve!

There! At last! It is complete!

Oh, baby! This little doohicky will suck

the evolutionary energy out of anyone and

transfer it right into me! I'm gonna call

it the Evil Sucker! Or

the Evolvalux. Maybe

the Darwinator. I'll tell you what, I'm

gonna have to come up with a better name

for this baby. Anywho, let's give it a

try. Oh, number four!

Long fish, huhWell, it ain't much,

but... At least I got me some limbs,

and I can't breathe air.

And I'm big enough to carry you around

for a change, boy. Come on, we're gonna

conquer up the universe something fierce.

I better start with someplace easy.

Later, on the planet of easily frightened

people.

Hello, I have come to conquer your

planet. We

surrender!Well, you

guys give up quicker than France. Woo! A

mini blast

in me!

This is more like it. This stickler

universe doesn't stand a chance.

Meanwhile, far away on Earth, Jim

and Peter are watching the undersea world

of shock therapy. Fish is the

highest form of life. One day our life

shall return to the sea and become fish

once more. Is he a little

special or what?We can't learn

much from fish. For instance, it was a

fish who taught me not to wear stripes

with plaids. Very

special.

What the heck is that?It's the plot

development alarm.

By the great worm spirit whose secret

recipe for lobster bisque must never be

revealed. Bob is taking over the galaxy

again. What do you got there?

Page six of the script, see?Bob, hello.

I've come to conquer your planet, aliens.

Ah, we surrender. Who writes this

trash?

Come on, Peter. Let's fry some

fish.

Peter, on the planet of man-eating socks.

I am Mimas, king of the socks. Any

attempt to conquer my planet will be met

with... Hope in

Arms. Here's your crown. You're the boss.

This is easy. How's come nobody's

conquered your four of these?Well,

usually some superhero comes and saves

us. Fear not, old man-eating socks.

Earth one Jim will save you. Kind of like

that.

Hey, Bob, there's something different

about you, isn't there?I've only

evoluted into a dinosaur.

No, that's not it.

Best two out of three.

All right! No more scales!

Y'all had no idea how uncomfortable those

things are. I'm gonna have to get me some

clothes, though. Maybe one of them real

nice spangled jumpsuits or something.

Well, anyway, y'all wanna fight now or

what?

Uh.. What's fight mean?

I don't know. How do you

breathe?They turned

into dumb ape guys, boy, howdy.

Uh, socks! Eat these miserable

heroes! Uh,

my liege, well, man-eating

socks. Uh, we get kicked out of the

man-eating socks you and then if we ate a

worm and a puppy. Oh, crap. Well, then

just chew 'em up or something. You You

don't have to swallow, come on.

Yeah, okay. We could do that.

Earthworm Jam. I shall soon row the

galaxy, but you won't live to say it.

He said. Butt

We

rejoin our heroes who now have the iconic

bottom chestnuts as the man eating socks

and clothes in freeze. Back off,

you fingers sucks! We're chewing these

two up, but not swallowing them. And

there's nothing you can do to stop us.

Say, are you guys made out of

wool?Of course. Cool.

The princess makes use of her knowledge

of insect languages to call for a

swarm of moths.

Bolt, the enemy of all woman's beings!

Well, I'll be gone.

What happened to you two?Oh, you

saved us from the bad socks.

Right, I mean before that.

Something happened before

that?My head is floppy.

You guys weren't exactly brain surgeons

before. Now I don't think you could even

be brain donors. I better take you home.

And I have a cocoa.

And so the Princess helps Jim and Peter

adjust to life. Without brains.

Jim, how many times do I have to tell you

we walk on the floor, not on the wall?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahOkay, walk on the

floor, not on the wall. Uh, what about

the ceiling?Princess, princess,

I tie my shoes all by myself. You don't

wear shoes, Peter.

Oh, that must be why my toes hurt.

Princess. Princess. Yeah. What?

My head is floppy.

Yes, our heroes now require help with the

simplest tasks, such as eating.

OK, you really need to do

something to a chicken before you eat it.

Our heroes also need help getting

dressed. When I

said pick out something to wear from the

closet, this wasn't what I had in

mind. And deciding what to

watch on TV. There's

so much good stuff on. How can

we ever choose?Oh,

man. You've been dumber than I thought.

We repeat, the Earth is being attacked by

some guy named Bob. We now return you to

Baywatch. Oh, um, someone's

drowning. I better put on my bikini.

Ohh Bob is

attacking the Earth! We've got to stop

him! But we're done

now. Yo, what can we

do?We can't do smart stuff like,

um.. Like, like

smart guys can't. Yeah.

Ditch this self pity. You have to take

charge of your own lives. What?

Shut up and do what I tell ya.

You said buttNo, you did.

Bob's Boarfish is incredibly powerful. We

have to find a way to sneak up on it or

we don't stand a chance. Okay. Hey,

what's this button do?

Well, come on in, copper squad.

Take your load off, why don't you?A load

of evolutionary energy!

She's a bug!

Hang on. Wasn't she a bug

before?Maybe. Can't

remember.

Yes, yes Oh, I

know everything now. The

mysteries of the universe unfold before

my mighty brain. I

know how to achieve confusion. I

know how to cure all disease. I know

what people like Urkel.

pretty smart. Yeah, and you know what

else?What?He's pretty

smart. Not only do I have

fantastic intelligence, I have

fantastic power!

Conquering the galaxy now will be

child's play!

Sorry, princess, we've done bad.

When we left, Bob had just gained

fantastical mental powers. While he is

incapacitated with willingness laughter,

our heroes manage a daring escape.

Well, actually, they just sort of wander

off.

Hey, where does he must go?I forget him.

They can't stop me now. The Earth shall

die before my awesome brave

powers. And so all the

Earth's governments gather their forces

together to combat the menace of Bob.

Soon the Earth is shaken by a fantastic

battle, a battle of epic proportions,

a battle more staggeringly enormous than

ever seen before. We warned you

about sitting so close to the TV. Now

you've gone and ruined your eyes. Move

back a little further.

That's it. Stop. Now blink a few

times. Much better.

We now return you to Earthworm Jim.

Having won the terrifically thrilling

battle in an incredibly surprising and

entertaining way, Bob is now Emperor

of the Earth. Oh, Rad.

Baywatch is out. Shark attack. Put on

my bikini. Meanwhile, Jim and Peter have

found what they consider the perfect

hiding place. They'll never think to

look for us here. No way.

We're at least. 20 feet

away from him. I wish the

Princess was here to tell us what to

do. Hey, she

is. Hey, Princess, what

should we do?Help me. Help me.

The Princess's tiny cries for help stir

something in Jim. Even in his dim-witted

state, he can remember that they once

shared something very special. It

was either love or

some kind of stuffed crust pizza. But

whatever it was...

It was beautiful! Ah,

there, there, Dave. We'll

think of something to do.

Wait, I got a thingy!

A bunion?No. A mashed potato?No. A

plan?Yeah, one of them. Mine.

Bob, we've come to

tell you to quit being a big, mean guy.

Ha! Good plan. Yeah, I

like it. Hey, I'm glad y'all dropped by.

I was just salivating for some more

evolutionary energy.

Bob! Fuzz Bunny! At last!We can

answer one of the great questions of

science. What sound

does a trying to bite make?Doinky,

doinky, doinky. Yeah.

OK. Well, time to finally evolve

into the highest form alive.

Yeah, I was right. Fish are the highest

form of life. Darn

it. Darn it. Darn it. There go my arms

and legs. Peter, I may be dumb, but

I can still make Bob pay for

this. Eat something, you

bad fish. Hi. What's

wrong with my g*n?You're

holding it the wrong way. Oh,

thanks. Let's see. No. Oh,

come on, stupid g*n. Come on.

It's releasing all the evolutionary

energy. No.

Did I save the day or did I save the

day?You the man, man. You the

man. Jim, look.

You're not my moisturizing cream of

Rapture. I shall destroy Bob's

warfish posthaste.

Eat dirt scale bedecked evildoer.

You let me down, man.

Jim, are you OK?

I am Titania,

queen of the fairies.

Snap out

of it. Oh yeah, nothing like a few blows

to the head to bring a guy back to

normal. If

only we could distract him somehow.

Right, I know just the thing. All it

requires is one quick trip to France.

If this doesn't distract Bob, I don't

know what will.

Here it is, the undersea world is a place

of beauty and enchantment.

Ah, there's a magnificent k*ller

goldfish. See how his scales shine with

golden light?His noble prow listening in

his watery bowl.

So delicate, yet so regal. While Bob

and his feline Lucky are hypnotized by

Jacques's droning voice,

our heroes have time to rebuild the w*r

fish into an inescapable

prison. We did it.

Once again, evil is poked in the eye by

virtue. But Evil holds up its hand and

blocks it. Then Virtue does the

two-handed poke. Then Evil slaps Virtue's

face. Smackity, smackity. Hey, leave him

alone. Then Virtue goes.

Has he been watching The Three Stooges?

No. Why do you ask?Later, Jim,

Peter and the Princess relax the way all

right-thinking Americans do,

by watching TV. I'm not

American. I'm from another planet,

remember?Ask me if I care.

Yes, the magnificent cowfish is truly the

dairy producer of the deep.

Cowfish?There's no such thing!

We warned you it was going to be strange.