02x07 - Peanut of the Apes

[bunniefuu]

story opens at the bastion of all that is

pure, noble and good. Oh, sorry.

Actually, it opens at the White House.

Okay, Mr. President, gimme the...

You don't look like the president. I'm

one of those generic presidents they use

on TV to keep shows from becoming

dated. Whatever. Okay, Mr.

Generic President, gimme!The

entire USA and whatnot.

Whoa, whoa, hang on, half a mole.

Earthworm Jim, calling Earthworm Jim.

Hello, and thanks for calling the

Earthworm Jim Coffee Can and String

Hotline. If you are calling to learn the

facts about hair replacement, press one

now.

What?You guy can't have a little fun?All

right, all right, I'll save the country

for you. Yeesh!

So, you've come to steal the entire

USA, ehYou got it,

sweetcakes! Then take a look at

this!

You can keep your country!

Wow! He ran through the wall and left his

outline in it! That is so

boss! Say, what's on that paper that

scared Psycho so badly?Oh, just the

national pet.

He did it too! He did it too! Hey, I want

to do the outline thing, can I?Can I

please?Please oh, please?

Well, okay, Fuzzbunny.

Ow! Sure, it looks cool when

people run into a wall in a cartoon. But

Peter has just demonstrated what would

happen in real life. So remember,

kids, just say no to running

into walls. It may not be the cool thing,

but it's the smart thing.

Just say no to running into walls.

It may not be the cool thing, but it's

the smart thing.

Well, kids, you've just seen a bit of an

Earthworm Jim episode. Now, what did

you think of it?I hate it when

cartoons try to teach me how to be safe.

Do they really think kids are stupid

enough to run into walls?

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Also, I don't care much for irony.

Mm-hmmIrony?Bad. And what

did you think?I wish Jim would do more

karate kicks. Kicking is cool. Ow!

My spine! Kicking is

cool. And what did you think?

I wish Jim were more like Stephen Jay

Hawking. He's

dreamy. How

can I kick more and be more like a

brilliant physicist?It's again

nature, I tells ya! Jim, do we

really have to go through all this?You

better believe it. Our ratings are in the

toilet. Test patterns get more viewers

than we do. If we don't get more people

to watch... Earthworm Jim shall be

no more!

Wait a second. I know what will bring in

more viewers.

Okay, two things. One, this isn't going

to work, and two, my bikini is giving me

a snuggie. I guess we shouldn't have gone

for the thong thing. No matter!

I have devised a much more brilliant plan

to improve our ratings. I call it

Earthworm Interactive!

Now, all we need is a typical Earthworm

Jim viewer. Hi, I'm

Cody, a super cooler or gym viewer.

Bingo! Come, young

Cody! You shall be part of a bold

experiment in participatory

entertainment! Don't wanna! That's the

spirit!

Comfy?Actually, this is very painful.

Great! Now, let me explain the setup.

This equipment will monitor your

responses as you watch today's episode.

You'll see the episode on the screen. At

the key points in the story, you'll get

to decide what happens by pressing these

buttons. In a moment, today's thrilling

action story will begin. Are you excited?

I yearn for the sweet embrace of the

grave. Fantastic!

Okay, Buzz Buddy, time for action!

Ready, you mighty hero! Um,

Jim, that's your pants phone, aren't you

gonna answer?In a sec, I'm kind of

enjoying it. Yeah,

yeah, okay. If you're calling

to learn the facts about hair

replacement, press... By the great warm

spirit whose severia may require

medication! We'll be there right away!

Come, Stout Gilman, trouble is afoot! A

foot will be kicking your butt if you

call me stout again!

This is a fine kettle of fish. And

so our heroes rocket to one of Turlock's

fine restaurants.

The local, greasy, weird-smelling chicken

franchise. What's all

this, then?Ow, ow, ow.

Fear not. My super suit gives me the

strength of a thousand tree surgeons. I

am more than a match for a single ape.

I have eaten my words and found them

bitter as the lingering regret from a

failed love affair.

Chill, that's no ordinary ape.

Refresh my memory. Exactly why didn't I

just stay in bed today?

We rejoin our heroes as they are about to

be mortalized by a huge powerful ape.

Okay, Cody, now you get to decide whether

I win or lose. If you want him

to win, press the win button.

If you want him to lose, press the lose

button. Make your selection now.

I said, make your selection

now. Boom. Look. If

you don't press a button, you'll get a

shock like this.

About time.

How could I be so blind?We're in a

chicken joint! The ultimate weapon is

right at our fingertips!

Gluey, inedible mashed

potatoes!

Anyone who's eaten this stuff knows that

it turns rock hard within seconds of

being exposed to air.

Say...

Look, Peter, it's my tribute to those

bouncy head car dashboard dogs.

What do you think?Well, I don't know much

about art, but I'd say you're a

complete loonyYou cut me to the quick,

Fuzzbuddy. To the quick. Excuse

me. That ape was my husband.

No accounting for taste. No, he was

my husband, then he turned into an ape. I

mean, I guess he's still my husband. I

just won't be able to take him to the PTA

meetings now. You better tell us what

happened, ma'am. HmmWe had just finished

our delicious, greasy, weird-smelling

chicken. I had the regular and my husband

had the extra smelling. My favorite. And

we were trying to clean the many layers

of grease off our faces. Then he turned

into an ape and started smashing stuff.

Then you came in and defeated him, then

you did that bouncy head dog thing, then

you asked me to tell you what happened,

then I did, then I said, then I did,

then... Okay, okay, we know all that!

What's this?That's the wrapper from the

moist towelette my husband was using just

before he changed. PMFH

code. Hmm

Hello?Giant Ape Attack! Ape Attack!

Ape Attack! Ape Attack!Merciful

mungbeams! It's an epidemic!

Come on, Peter. I don't know who's behind

this, but I know they're putting the ape

back in apocalypse. That is

unquestionably the worst line of dialogue

I've ever heard. Soon, our heroes are

battling trade apes all over the world.

London. Paris.

Iran! New York.

Eat dirt, con my monstrosity!

Hey, hey, I'm climbing here!

They did it! They finally

did it! Gosh darn them!

Gosh darn them all da heck!

They did what, Jim?I mean...

I like advertising as much as the next

person, but this is just. plain

bad taste! Soon,

everyone in the world has turned into an

ape. Well, except our staunch heroes, of

course. Right, yes, of course,

and Cody, and most of Nebraska.

Oh, all right! The point is, a whole lot

of people have turned into apes.

What could be turning all these people

into apes?If only we could

find some pattern. Actually,

I have found a pattern. The ape in New

York had been using this nasal spray.

The ape in Paris had been eating this

mushy French cheese. And the ape at

Buckingham Palace had been using this

deodorant. Great work, Fuzzbuddy!

You're a regular Larry Holmes. Sherlock

Holmes.

Pig, pig, pig! Always with the criticism,

Get off my back, man! Now, let's

see, what could PMFH stand for?

Pat my facial hair?It's probably

Professor Monkey for a head. Please make

furry ham?I think it's Professor

Monkey for a head. Pope

Mobile for hire.

It's Professor Monkey for a head!

P-M-F-H, Professor

Monkey for a head!

Say, do you suppose it might be Professor

Monkey for a head?You

must not k*ll! You must not k*ll! And

so, our heroes go to the PMFH GO

headquarters to find out...

What the heck is going on here?Nothing!

Nothing Nothing at all.

Oh, you mean what's going on with the

whole turning people into apes thing,

don't you?Yeah.

Well, it's simple. My

company, PMFH Co., makes

an assortment of consumer products. In

these products, I have put my special

simian toxin, which turns human beings

into apes. Once everyone on Earth has

become manate, my monkey will be

the only one who can communicate with

them. I will rule the

world!Well, yes,

technically you will rule the world, but

we agreed to split everything 50/50,

remember?All right! 60/40!

Um, question, uh,

how can your monkey communicate with the

apes?Apes and monkeys aren't the same

thing. Actually, he's a

chimpanzee, a member of the ape family.

He has that tail stat, man, and he likes

people to call him a monkey. Um,

okay, why?He feels that he's a monkey

trapped in the body of an ape.

Psycho. Gallic. I

know, I knowDon't get me started.

Well, anywho, monkey, be a

dear and call forth the apes to destroy

these heroes, will you?We're doomed!

Doomed, I tell ya! Doomed in case you

weren't paying attention! Doomed!

When we left our heroes, they were about

to be horribly mutilated by apes.

Stop! Before the

apes pull your limbs off like petals from

a daisy, there is something I am

curious about. I designed my

symbian toxin to turn humans into apes. I

wonder how it would have shook to her and

a puppy!

My, what an enchanting aroma.

What is it?Just a little PMFH

Co. cologne with the Simian Toxin, of

course. It smells like the first blush of

sunrise in a summer morn. Send me a case

of that stuff, will you?

Oh, you didn't turn into anything!

No, but I have a sudden urgent desire to

wear... A corduroy jacket

with leather patches on the elbows!

The fashion horror!

Interesting. What... What

am I?Well, offhand I'd say you're the

heart, lungs, and liver of a sheep boiled

in its own stomach.

I'm...

Fuzz buddy, bust my earbones, why don't

ya?I'm a haggard! Yeah,

Yeah cry me a river. Okay, Cody, can

we escape from the bad guys now?

All right. Time to

escape, Fuzz. Uh, lump buddy.

Fortunately, all apes instinctively fear

one thing: Scottish food!

Come, Peter! We must find a cure for this

simian toxin! We better hurry.

I think I'm starting to congeal.

Let's see... Semirrhea?Trichinosis?

Ah Turning into apes! It says

the cure is... peanuts! I'm

cured! Cured!

Not effective on worms, puppies, or

puppies with worms. Ew. I'm

doomed! Doomed! We'll find you a

cure, Peter, but first we've got a planet

to save.

Seeking enough peanuts to cure the people

of Earth, our heroes rocket to the

Planet of Creamy Foods. There

they must cross the mighty sea of

mayonnaise.

Aye, be hearties. The

mayonnaise is a harsh mistress, for

sure. But once you've been touched by

your charms, you can never be happy

on dry food again.

Or to the fish. No,

thanks. I think I've gotta puke.

Ahoy! Darshybe!

The fabled island of

peanut butter!

After scooping up a liberal portion of

peanut butter, our heroes return to

Earth, where they explode the

huge wad of TV in orbit.

The peanut butter rains down all over

Earth and is eaten by the apes, returning

them to their normal human form.

So, Professor, how will you stop us

without your precious apes?

That ought to do it.

Cody, it's time to press the whim

button. What's in it

for me?This is no time to start getting

all capitalist on me. Cody,

press the lose button. I can give you

wealth and power. No, Cody, press win.

I can give you a hearty handshake and

another hearty handshake. Oh, what to

do?What to do?If you

let the professor win, he'll enslave the

entire earth. Well, at least I didn't

stick a bunch of electrodes in the kid's

head. Decide, decide!

Now who cares?It's just a cartoon. Keep

it with just a cartoon.

Press the lose button now, or you'll be

banging on those pearly-purly

skates! You've got to save Cody, Jim!

He's got a Nielsen box!

Cutie! Press the win button! Now!

Go!

Hang on. How can you win just because he

pressed a button?I've still got all these

g*ns!Yes, but I've got...

THIS! Oh, well, that does make sense.

Well, monkey, monkey for a head!

Say good night, monkey. You

know, I thought that traveling kit

salesman had ripped me off, but boy was I

wrong!

It's the ratings for today's episode. We

had nine times as many viewers as we

usually have! Wow! That means

nearly 20 people watched! Woo-woo-woo!

The kids they interviewed only had two

comments. They hated Earthworm

Interactive. Sorry, Cody.

I'm three! And they loved

you as a haggis, Peter!

Lump buddy, your new look is gonna keep

our show on the air. I yearn for the

sweet embrace of the grave. Well,

Cody, thanks for all your help. Is there

anything I can do for you in return?

Yeah, could you just, could you introduce

me to the cow?

Cow, Cody, Cody, Cow.