01x08 - Sakamoto's vs. the Lab

[bunniefuu]

Guess who found 500 yen
under the vending machine, yo?

Piisuke wants something tasty, huh?

[exclaims]

I was really excited
to tell everybody about Parents' Day,

[crying] but when I got home
this afternoon,

Daddy and Lu and Shin were gone!

[exclaims, chuckles nervously]
Don't cry, lookie here!

You can have my acorns.
And some candy, too!

[wails]

Ah...

- Pi, Pi, Pi!
- Oh.

All right!

Don't worry. I'm gonna
go find those guys for you.

Hm? Do you mean it?

Piiii!

We're counting on you, Piisuke!

[laughs]

BASEMENT LEVEL FOUR

[Lu] I'm sorry. Who are you?

I'm Asakura, head researcher of the Lab.

Nice to meet you. Would you like
to break out of here with me?

Huh? "Head researcher"?

If that's the case...

[grunts]

You must be the one
who had me kidnapped, huh?

What, no! You've got it all wrong!

What's the matter with you?
I'm locked up, too!

Hm. You got a point there.

Okay, then. You're gonna tell me
everything you know, mister.

[opening theme song playing]

[Horiguchi laughing]

SAKAMOTO'S VS. THE LAB

You must be the legendary assassin.
Taro Sakamoto, was it?

Such incredible power and speed!

But, it's too bad you're so overweight.

Even I'm quick enough

- to get the jump on you.
- Hm?

Now, I wonder...

what's going to happen next?

Doesn't matter.

[groans]

[Sakamoto] Hm?

[speaks backwards] Mr. Sakamoto! Why?

[quirky music playing]

I was trying to hit the enemy.
Body didn't listen.

[Horiguchi giggles]
That's the needle injected in your neck.

Isn't it fun?

It can invert who your brain perceives
as friend and foe!

Science is beautif-- [groans]

Okay. If I try to hit Shin,
I can hit the bad guy.

HUH?

But you tried way harder with that one!

[Horiguchi] Isn't this nice?

- [bones crack]
- Mm. Mm.

The lively guinea pigs are fun.

[quirky music ends]

And, ultimately, after I'd raised
objections to one too many orders,

they locked me up in here. Make sense?

But what did they throw me in here for?

Your story's got a lot of holes, mister!

How should I know?
I don't even know who you are!

[gasps] Now that I think about it...

This all started
when you thought I was Shin

- and kidnapped me, you stupid jerk!
- [grunting]

Hold on. You said Shin.

As in the clairvoyant?

That's the one.

Do you know him, mister?

I'd like to think I do.

Shin got his telepathic abilities
because of me and my research.

[Lu] Huh? I always figured
he was just born that way.

Shin used to be
an ordinary, bratty little kid.

It wasn't until he got mixed up
with me and my work

that his life was changed forever.

This sucks!

This meat is too tough and rubbery to eat.

[straining] Hey, what...

No sense wasting nutrients on a fool.

The magnesium and protein
that are in this meat

help to prevent malnutrition.

When will you learn, you little brat?

I don't need your stupid meat.
I'll just drink a whole bunch of juice!

[Asakura] Why did I get stuck
with babysitting this twerp?

[emotional music playing]

At the time, I was here at the Lab
researching supernatural powers.

One day, an old friend of mine
named Ando suddenly disappeared,

and left the boy with me.

- [gulping]
- Huh?

[screams] That's my special
focus smoothie!

Ah!

[keyboard clacking]

This won't work.
There has to be another way.

- [Young Shin] Hey, old man. Whatcha doin'?
- Huh?

Uh... I'm researching how to expand
the thresholds of the human brain.

Uh...

[Asakura] I mean I'm studying
the potential of superhuman powers.

Is that a fun thing to do?

What? Nothing could be
as much fun as this is!

If my work is successful,

it will be opening the door to
unprecedented possibilities for mankind.

Are pastabilities a good thing?

Essentially, this work has the potential
to make everyone very happy.

Huh?

[chuckles]

[emotional music continues]

[groans]

Just look at him. He's an absolute wreck.

All he ever does
is research the impossible.

Wish I had that kind of time.

[Young Shin] Who are you
to say it's impossible?

Least he's trying.

And when it does work, he's gonna
make everyone in the world really happy!

[exclaims softly]

I've never seen this reaction!
Now, let's see.

I just need to verify against past data.

[groans] Hey, old man, I'm thirsty.

Yes, this is it!

I've done the impossible!

Look, Shin! I've done--

[screams] No! What the hell are you doing?

What do you mean? [hiccups]

Shin! Talk to me, are you okay?

[Asakura] He doesn't seem
any different. Did it not work?

Oh, well. I'm just glad he's all right.

- [Young Shin] I'm not all right.
- [gasps]

Do you know how nasty
that stuff was, old man?

[Asakura] Uh... Did...
did I say that out loud?

[emotional music ends]

Hey, Mr. Tada.

You're thinking about
Ms. Namiki in her panties, huh?

[all gasp]

[Tada chuckles nervously]

Oh, and Ms. Namiki, you think he's gross.

[all gasp]

[gasps]

- Poopy!
- [exclaims nervously]

A star!

- Wig!
- [exclaims nervously]

Hey! Does anybody wanna play?

[Ishikawa] Uh, I'm busy right now.

- [Namiki] Maybe later.
- [Tada] No, thanks.

Fine.

- I can't relax around him.
- It's kinda scary.

- What a freaky ability.
- I feel sorry for him, but it's creepy.

It's bad luck for the poor boy.

[Asakura] Just you wait, Shin.

If I can figure out a cure,
I can reverse the effects.

I'm fine the way I am!

You finally did it.
Why aren't you happy, old man?

I'm sorry!

I never should've let you get mixed up
in my stupid research.

Your research isn't stupid,
you stupid old man!

[sniffles] I've had enough!

You're always moping!
I'm sick of you and this crappy lab!

I'm outta here, old man!

And I haven't seen
or spoken to him since he left.

I don't even know
if I can ever face him again.

[both crying]

That story was so sad!

But I'm sure
Shin doesn't hold it against you.

How would you know?

Because I know Shin really well,
and he wouldn't do that.

He likes being a clairvoyant a lot.

And since the Boss Man doesn't talk much,
I'm honestly kinda jealous.

[Asakura] Boss Man?

I've got it!
We can apologize to him together!

It's pretty great timing for me,
we're in a fight right now.

And according to Sakamoto
Family Rules Article Eleven,

"When you fight,
you make up by the end of the day."

Since your apology's coming a little late,

you might wanna bribe him
with some candy or something.

[chuckles] I feel rather foolish
all of a sudden.

If you had a way to break out of here,
why didn't you do it sooner?

Because as long as I'm in here,

I don't have to help them
with their terrible research.

Young lady, is Shin any taller?

Uh...

Huh? Who's there?

[grunts] Huh? Huh?

[groans]

[thuds]

Well, mister, let's find him,
and you can see for yourself.

[gasps softly]

What do you say?
Shall we start our escape mission?

[exhilarating music playing]

[speaks backwards] What the hell?

Oops. Sorry.

Nifty, eh? I can toggle the effect off
and on with this switch.

And that's not all.

Watch closely. Ready?

- Huh?
- [Sakamoto] Tacky.

I've got another trick up my sleeve!

Don't get c*ck now!

[grunts]

[Sakamoto] That was a nice kick.

[speaks backwards]
Oh, thanks, Mr. Sakamoto.

Ooh! [giggles]

[grunts]

Whoopsie-daisy!

You're so lightweight that you went
straight through the window.

That was a delightful try.

When your brain thinks
you're attacking a friend,

it instinctively pulls your punches.

The legendary assassin,

rendered utterly helpless
by the might of science!

[speaks backwards] But I can read
your mind, so it doesn't matter.

[laughs]

[grunts]

[Horiguchi laughing maniacally]

You can read my mind.

But if your body
can't keep up with me, so what?

[exhilarating music ends]

I have no idea
why the leader of our organization

has any interest
in such a worthless ability.

[Shin] Hm?

Pitiful!

I'm not impressed.

I find it terribly dull!

[grunts]

[speaks backwards]
You think my ability's worthless?

[upbeat music playing]

Don't get your clothes too dirty.
Laundry's hard enough.

Hm?

[Sakamoto] And you.

Shin's ability is a long way
from worthless.

We're gonna prove that to you right now.

[speaks backwards] Mr. Sakamoto...

Oh. You have no idea how hard it is

to relate to someone
whose IQ level is so much lower.

Time to die.

Mmm. [laughs]

It hurts so good!

[yells]

[speaks backwards]
Okay, Mr. Sakamoto, what do we do?

[Sakamoto] Pretty straightforward.

[speaks backwards] Huh?

Are you for real?

Let's begin the final experiment! Huh?

I wouldn't do that if I were you!

[Sakamoto] Right jab.

[upbeat music cl*max]

Left hook. Right jab. Right cross.
Right roundhouse kick.

Right uppercut. Right hook.
Left hook. Right jab. Left jab.

[Horiguchi] How is he dodging?
Ow! And I'm the only one getting hit?

Ow! Sakamoto must be
thinking about his attacks. Ow!

So he can dodge them all! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Damn you!

You can't beat science!

[grunts]

Hurts so good!

[Shin] I thought I was gonna die.

LEADER, MAD HORIGUCHI
THROWING IN THE TOWEL

- Sit still, okay?
- That's easier said than done.

- There! I got it.
- Thanks.

- [Ishikawa] Shin, thank you.
- Mm?

You saved us. We owe you an apology.

Uh, that's all water under the bridge.

Besides, I like my power,
and where I'm at now.

So it's all good!

That's great!
Glad to hear you're doing well.

You know it.

I'm working at Mr. Sakamoto's
convenience store these days.

I've gotten pretty quick
at the cash register.

Thank you for taking
such good care of him.

[Sakamoto] Mm.

[Shin] Damn, Mr. Sakamoto,
I know you're retired,

but I'm still pretty proud of myself
for dodging the legendary assassin!

Now that you're so fat,
your punches are even heavier, so I--

[groans]

What are you thinking
about k*lling me for this time?

[Sakamoto] No need
to bring my weight into it.

[Shin] According to the researchers,

Lu's probably
in a holding cell on floor B4.

[Sakamoto] Let's be quick.

That fight just reaffirmed it for me,
nobody can beat Mr. Sakamoto in combat!

[Sakamoto] Never underestimate an enemy.

Nagumo said that you used to be
a member of The Order.

Are they all as strong as you are?

[Sakamoto] Well, strong in different ways.

But say there were ten of you
against one member of The Order.

You'd all be annihilated in six seconds.

[Shin] That's not even
one second per person!

Nagumo sure didn't seem like
he was all that great to me.

I'd like to think
I'd last a little bit longer.

[Sakamoto] If you're ever up against
someone from The Order, just play dead.

[Shin] Huh?

[exclaims, screams] Mr. Sakamoto!

[Kashima] What a nuisance.
Everything was going so smoothly.

BASEMENT LEVEL FIVE
SERVICE CORRIDOR

But, on the plus side,

I have some very dependable teammates
in my corner.

Right, Mr. Onigahara and Mr. Takamido?

LEADER, ONIGAHARA
LEADER, TAKAMIDO

Now, then.

[Shishiba] See?
Didn't I tell you, Osaragi?

We just caught three big ones.

Causing a scene down here did the trick.

It's a reindeer...

[Kashima] The Order...

What do the Association's lapdogs
want with us?

Someone ought to teach you better manners.

No need to get your knickers in a twist.

This place is so big, it's like a maze,
and we just got a little lost.

[Kashima] My apologies.

Allow us to escort you
to the nearest exit.

There's somewhere else
we'd like to go, actually.

Could you take us to Slur?

'Cause I'd really like to k*ll that guy.

[Kashima] I have no idea
what you're talking about.

[snickers]

[Shishiba] Well, too bad.

In any case,

you're in violation of JAA policy
for manufacturing ill*gal weapons.

And taking hostages for extortion.

Sorry, but you'll all have to die.

[Kashima yawns]

But, uh, before we do that,
can I use your restroom?

[Onigahara] Boss. Can I k*ll this guy?

Whoa, personal space.

[Kashima] Do as you please,
Mr. Onigahara, Mr. Takamido.

[Osaragi] Are you finished
with these people, Mr. Shishiba?

Oh, Osaragi, just gimme a--

Wait. Was that too fast?

[Shishiba] I just wanted to move out
of the splash zone first, but never mind.

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Shishiba] Don't worry,
I'm not angry or anything.

There's a reason I wore a cheap suit.

But Mr. Shishiba,
that suit was already bloody.

You have a hard time making friends, huh?

- [Kashima crying]
- Huh?

[Kashima] What's wrong with you people?

Don't you have any regard for human life?

Uh...

[Kashima] All those poor souls
you've slaughtered indiscriminately...

They could've had family or friends.

Don't you care about their feelings?

[continues crying] It's so sad.

Those poor, poor souls!

Now I have to exterminate you.

- [squelching]
- Oh, wow.

Those who have no respect
for the sanctity of human life

have no right
to call themselves assassins.

It was my understanding that
you were k*lling a lot of people as well.

It takes a special kind of creep
not to recognize that double standard.

And the guy calling the shots
probably isn't the best--

[slashing]

My life belongs to the master.
Every action I take follows his will.

Therefore, the lives I claim are justified
in service of a higher purpose!

[Shishiba] Is that so?

[neck cracks]

See? I knew you were working for Slur.

Are you all right, Mr. Shishiba?

Don't be silly. I was just sizing him up.

A good batter doesn't swing
at the first pitch.

[bones cracking]

Uh, shouldn't you be dead?

Apologies, but my artificial spine
appears to disagree.

[grunts]

- [thudding]
- Huh?

Why, hello there. Looking good, Mr. S.

[Sakamoto] Been a while, Shishiba.
How is everyone?

Well, we really can't complain.

Oh, by the way,
this is our new member, Osaragi.

You haven't met Mr. S, have you?

[Osaragi] He's like a teddy bear.

[Kashima] Sakamoto.
So you're the legendary assassin.

And you are?

He's the leader of the group
that took control of the Lab.

And he's a stubborn b*stard.

You're the only person that's ever
been able to injure the master.

Huh? Does that mean you know Slur?

I don't know how you got here
or why you came,

but I must k*ll you as quickly as possible
and present you to the master! [grunts]

Even I'm getting grossed out by this guy.

Now then...

[groans] If you'll excuse me...

A man made of weapons. Could be tough.

Hm? What's the matter, Osaragi?

[Osaragi exclaims]

I've gotta find Lu
so we can regroup with Mr. Sakamoto.

Don't wanna be late for dinner!

Huh?

Invisible prick.

- What do you want?
- [electricity discharges]

Man, it's so much easier when they
don't notice. Guess we gotta fight.

LEADER, SEBA

You people better not have hurt Lu.

I wouldn't know.
I just do what they tell me to do.

And I get a bonus if I k*ll you.

Wait, or was it capture? Ah, whatever.

Sorry, but I need you to step aside.

My schedule's too busy
to help you earn spare change.

I'm aiming to save 20 million yen
before I retire.

- But I hate working overtime.
- [electricity charges]

Let's finish this
during business hours, okay?

This'll be quick.

[Shin] Hm? There you are!

[grunts]

Dammit!

Reading his thoughts
can tell me where he is,

but if I can't see
how he's attacking, it's no use!

[Shin groans]

- Oh. I also don't like to clock out early,
- [electricity discharges]

so hang in there 'til my shift's over.

[grunting]

[Sakamoto] Is this guy...

even human?

Huh?

[Shishiba] Sorry. We've got other errands
to run, so we're leaving this one to you.

Okay. Say hi to the others for me.

[grunts]

[Osaragi] Are you sure the teddy bear
will be all right on his own?

[Shishiba] Of course, he will.

Our main target is this way,
so just keep moving.

The teddy bear didn't look like
he was particularly strong to me.

I think he's going to die.

Honestly, that patched-up psychopath
is a lot better than I expected.

And Mr. S isn't in the best shape.

But after knowing him as long as I have,

I just can't imagine
how he could ever die.

[groans]

[Seba sighs] Fighting a clairvoyant sucks.

You keep blocking at the last second.

The invisibility thing's
a way bigger pain in the a*s!

This has been fun, but it's just about
quitting time, so let's wrap it up.

[Shin groans]

[Shin thuds]

Aww, you got blood all over me.

[groans, chuckles]
You can't miss that target.

[Seba] Huh? What's that mean?

[g*nshots]

- [gasps]
- [electricity discharges]

[groans softly]

[Heisuke] Hey, yo, Piisuke, look!
An invisible man!

Sure are a lot of interesting people
in the world, huh?

Pi!

Good to see you, Heisuke. Nice timing.

[closing theme song playing]