01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

If you'd be so good
as to follow me,

ladies and gentlemen.

- AMERICAN ACCENT: - So
the game begins, huh?

GONG CLANGS REPEATEDLY

Thanks a lot.

Oh!

You're all here.

CHUCKLING

Marvellous.

Luncheon is served.

With a side dish of...

..m*rder!

ALL CHUCKLE

Now, first of all,
meet your detective -

actor and national
treasure Anthony Hart,

or, as you know him,

Elliot Flame from
television's Phoenix.

WHOOPING

Um, Aunt Hel, I thought I was
supposed to play the victim.

You were.

Dad?!

MURMURING

SCREAMING

{\an8}THUNDER RUMBLES

{\an8}- BAXTER: - One fatal
stab to the heart.

{\an8}- OFFICER: - DS Mallowan.

{\an8}Nice of you to join us.
We were expecting you

{\an8}- half an hour ago.
- I know, I know.

{\an8}Car trouble. But don't
worry, sir, I'm on it.

{\an8}Just got to order a new part.

{\an8}Well, a really old part.

{\an8}A detective needs a car that
works, not a mobile skip.

{\an8}Yeah, absolutely, sir - great
point. Couldn't agree more.

Now, half the guests were on
a garden tour all morning,

so we've ruled them
out and sent them home,

but we need statements
from the others,

and the Chief Super
wants this wrapped up

as quickly as possible to keep
the eyes of the press off us.

It'll be like a
circus here tomorrow.

Are you saying I've
only got 24 hours?

- What? No.
- Aw. Can you?

Makes it feel proper dramatic.

Look, wrap this up quickly,

and keep the force
from press scrutiny,

and that promotion's
as good as yours.

Great. Where's Chaudhry?

Farming dispute. Gibsons and
the Lewises, out near Cefnisel.

It's all kicked off
there. I've got to go too.

Two officers for
warring farmers?

No. Kayleigh's been
suspended from school

for spreading malicious
rumours about a teacher,

which I happen to know
are perfectly true,

but that's beside the point.

Well, don't worry, sir,
I've got it down here.

Right, thanks. Keep me posted.

Oh! Also, you two were
teenage girls once -

say, hypothetically,
your father locked you

in a police cell to teach
you about responsibility,

do you think that would be
a good life lesson or...?

BOTH: No.

OK.

Right, cause of death, stab
wound directly to the heart.

Angle of entry suggests the k*ller
was standing in front of him.

No defence wounds.

Interesting detail about
the weapon, though.

It's not a knife,
it's a letter opener.

Other strange detail -
he's wearing make-up.

Foundation over his left
eye. Someone punched him.

Fairly recently,
from the look of it.

- Anthony Hart.
- Mm.

Legend.

Sounds wrong to say it, but I
thought he was already dead.

Me too!

- WAITRESS: - Can I go home?

This is a m*rder investigation.

Nobody is going to leave this
house until I've taken a statement.

Look at the police
notebook, honey.

The attention to detail!

Not sure I buy those
shoes on a cop, though.

HE CHUCKLES

OK, er, sorry, what
are both your names?

Huh? Oh...

CLEARS HIS THROAT

- IN SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:
- I'm Tannis Fairweather,

owner of a South
African diamond mine.

- AMERICAN ACCENT: -
Patty and Bill Marcus.

I keep trying to explain to him
that this is not part of the game.

It's not. It's absolutely
not. Someone died.

- SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:
- Sure, Officer.

OK, um, can everybody apart
from the family of the deceased

please wait outside?

- Right.
- Gladly.

I need a drink.

Who would want to k*ll Dad?

It's horrible.

So, you both lived
here with Anthony?

Er, no, urgh. No,
I live in Ibiza.

I am only here
because Dad came home.

My brother came back last month.

He'd signed up to do
these events for a year.

- This is the Hart family home.
- DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, good, that'll be him.

I've asked a friend to come round
- I need someone to be with me.

This is a m*rder scene!

You can't be inviting
random people along!

He's not some random person.

He's a very dear old friend.

Oh, right, well, why
didn't you say so?!

Oh, Johnny!

My hero!

Fighting through the
rain to comfort me.

Helena, it's so awful. I...

Anthony, m*rder*d? I...

- Unthinkable, isn't it?
- Mm.

I've got a houseful
of strangers,

I just needed someone familiar.

Oh... HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

Um, look, I, er... I know
what you're going through,

and the last thing you want
to be doing is cooking,

so I picked some food up.

Oh, Johnny...

..this is why I needed you.

You understand me.

I think you may be one of the
few people I've never understood.

JANIE CLEARS HER THROAT

Um, can I have a word with...

..Johnny, is it?

Mm.

This is your new case, is it?

Yes, and it's very
time-sensitive.

If I wanted your help,
I would've called.

Oh, yeah, Dial-a-Lackey,
of course, yeah.

Well, it's been quite a time
since you've pestered me,

I thought perhaps
you'd passed me over,

now that you were
up and running.

- Hey!
- If you're going to touch evidence, glove up!

Oh, these horrible things.

Ugh! Make me look like
some ageing Smurf.

- Eugh.
- OK.

Interesting m*rder weapon,
though, isn't it, eh?

A table covered in steak knives,

yet they use a letter opener?

It tells us that the
weapon is significant,

pregnant with meaning
to our malefactor.

Or... they just grabbed
it from the house.

Helena's not the type
to own a letter opener.

Precision's not in her armoury.

She'd tear her envelopes open.

A very passionate woman.

Is she now, John Chapel?!

Is that why you're here?

To get your leg over?

Well, I am not here
to get my leg over,

you appalling vulgarian!

Helena is a dear friend. We
actually met through Anthony.

Some of my happiest
memories are in this house.

So you were mates?

Very good mates for a while.
Then, sadly, bitter rivals.

Phoenix on ITV, Caesar on BBC.

Got quite feisty.

Mm. Well, he won in the end.

What?! You think Anthony Hart
was more successful than me

because he chose to
defect to America?

Why didn't you
ever go to America?

Oh, I was asked. Begged, even.

I could never make
the dates work.

Anyway, can you picture me

sitting around a pool
all day in my Speedos?

Oh, I've had enough traumatic
images in my head today

with the dead body.

Do you mind?! There was a time

when I happened to look
rather striking in a Speedo.

Couldn't get away
with it now, though -

- too much danglage.
- Ohh, right. OK.

I'm going to go and ask
Helena what she knows

about the m*rder weapon.

And I'll see what I can find
out from the other guests.

But don't take too
long with Helena.

She must be suffering terribly.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Interesting, Chapel.

Mm...

Very interesting.

Oh...

- HELENA: - Never seen
it before in my life.

I'm fairly certain it
isn't from the house,

though I have had four
rather strong whiskies.

Right.

Very interesting.

Actually, not that interesting.
Don't know why I said that.

So...

..you and John Chapel -
what's the story there?

Oh, brilliant, sensitive John.

Would wake a girl up with a
poem and a buttered teacake.

You used to wake up
with John Chapel...?

Yes.

Is this relevant?

Very. It's... essen...
essential background.

Oh, right.

Johnny used to stay here
a lot back in the '80s,

um, and, well, we...

..we had a bit of a
fling. Nothing serious.

He was a wonderful lovemaker.

Oh, God. God. No. Um...

And then fate intervened. I
went on holiday to Marrakech.

While I was away, he
met the lovely Elin.

They were soulmates
from the off.

I came back with a deep tan,

a gorgeous rug and
a broken heart.

Aw.

At least you got a rug.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Mm.

And you've stayed in
touch all this time?

No, no, no, he went
off-grid when Elin died.

Poor thing. Wouldn't
even pick up the phone.

It's only recently
he's got back in touch.

- Why?
- There's a young lady in his life.

Nothing like that
- an acquaintance.

But, um... whatever she's done,

he's really back
to his old self.

Seems to be alive again.

JANIE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

Did I mention

he was a wonderful lovemaker?

OK, I think we're done. Yeah.

Oh, marvellous. Well... um...

I think I might go for
a bit of a lie-down.

Do, er, wake me up if
you find the k*ller.

- WAITRESS: - There you go.

You did say tea, yeah?

Oh, actually, I asked for
an extra-hot latte machi...

Yeah. Thought that
might be a challenge.

Izzy's a nice girl,

but she's slightly useless
for a silver-service waitress.

She was so spooked earlier,

she bolted upstairs to the
bathroom when she saw the body.

Well, that's
interesting. Excuse me.

Er... Oh, yeah, no,
yeah, just walk away.

I was definitely
done talking, so...

Don't mind me.

- SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:
- Quite the tricky m*rder

we've got going on here, eh?

HE CHUCKLES

Well, this is a
m*rder. A man is dead.

HE LAUGHS

I've tried, Mr Chapel.

I'm Patty Marcus.

- This is Bill.
- Charmed.

Sorry, love, I think
that's got sugar in.

It's the margaritas
all over again, huh?

The margaritas?

Anthony asked me to make
him a margarita earlier.

He took one sip, said it was
disgusting and then he lost it.

When was this?

At the welcome drinks,
when we all arrived.

Then he cleared off. Locked himself
in his room all day, even though

we'd paid good
money to meet him.

Er, Dennis Williams.

I can make c*ck. I worked
the bar in Cardiff Infernos.

I made the best Skittle
bombs out of anyone.

I don't doubt it.
Cardiff Infernos -

I wouldn't dare cast aspersions
on your mixology skills.

Oh! Thanks, love!

Look, I know probably
now is a bad time,

but I've just got to say
I am such a huge fan.

I've even watched
your masterclass DVD.

Really? Well, that's amazing.

Yeah, we found it in Grandad's
underwear drawer when we were

clearing his house out.

It's belting, seeing how
hard you work. Fair play.

Well... you know,
acting, proper acting,

it can be incredibly taxing.

And nurses think
they've got it tough.

Sorry, just pulling your leg.

Marvellous sense of humour!

It's all right, I'm not
immune to a bit of ribbing.

You seem like a
sharp tack, Dennis.

What's your take on all this?

I think it's the
curse of Phoenix.

The curse of Phoenix?

Ah, you have to tell
me all about this.

Well, there was a girl worked
on the show who died years ago.

And two actors suffered
heart attacks while filming.

- And now this.
- There's no such thing as bloody curses!

Anthony wasn't k*lled
by a myth or a legend,

it was someone in this house.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I need the loo.

Prostate the size
of a cantaloupe.

BILL LAUGHS

Can I borrow Mr Chapel?

- Please excuse me.
- Yeah, right.

How can I help, Detective?

QUIET CHATTER

So, what do you
make of our guests?

An interesting little bunch.

Well, Dennis, something
not quite right there,

no, no, but what is
it, Chapel? What is it?

Performance, artifice -
it's not his thing at all,

but he's here, at a
m*rder mystery event.

No, that dog won't hunt,
no, no. Plus, he mocked me.

Oh, right, yeah,
he bruised your ego

so he must be our k*ller?
Anything actually useful?

Anthony spent all afternoon in his
room. Have you searched it yet?

Not yet, but I was going to.

- Oh, yeah?
- Do you want to come?

Well, I really ought
to go and see Helena.

She's having a lie-down.

But you could wake her
up in a bit, with a...

..poem and a buttered teacake.

- What?
- Mm! Come on.

Ah! Ah-ha-ha!

Somebody's hand-delivered
a letter to Anthony.

And... Oh.

PHONE RINGS

- Oh!
- ..it's missing.

Dean!

Yes, thank you.

Yeah, I need to bring
my car in again.

The usual. And there's
a burnt-hair smell.

Oh, and it keeps
making this noise.

Er...

Well, sort of like, um...

SHE SCREECHES

Thank you. Thanks, thanks. Bye.

Very interesting -
car sentimentality.

Usually get it with
men, or parents,

but I don't get it with you.

There's nothing to
get. I like my car.

I like VHS tapes - I
don't watch them any more.

It's not as simple as that.

My car...

..it was Sian's.
She left it to me,

so it means a bit more
than a flipping VHS tape.

It's funny - we used
to pretend to be you.

Just driving round,
looking for crime.

She was a weirdo too, was
she? No wonder you were close.

Oi! We weren't
weird, we were cool.

And I don't want to watch all
of that just get crushed up

into a little... metal cube,

so just leave my car alone.

Right.

Very odd mix of magazines.

Anthony didn't seem the
celeb junk-mag type to me.

There's nothing here.

Do you think this
looks like someone

who was planning on
staying for good?

Well, it's hard
to say, isn't it?

Us actors aren't all
about possessions.

Our accumulated baggage
is on the inside.

I don't think he was staying.

Helena said he'd signed up to
do these events for a year.

If he was going to do a runner,

that would give her
a pretty good motive.

Helena? Fratricide?
It's preposterous.

Why don't you go and, um,
rouse her from her slumber,

see what you can find out?

I'm here to comfort Helena,
not interrogate her.

Anyway, we should be
talking to the son, Owen.

He just came back
to see his father,

who is then m*rder*d -
seems very... coincidental.

OK, deal. I'll go talk to him,

and you go charm the
lady of the manor.

Um...

I, er... I haven't read
this week's, and, um,

well, I need to flush out
a little suspect of my own.

TOILET FLUSHES

GENTLE MUSIC

So... Ibiza...

Sounds nice.

Lots of parties.

That's what my life used
to look like, but not now.

I run a wellness retreat.

Why Ibiza? Couldn't you run
a wellness retreat here?

HE CHUCKLES

Nobody gets well in Powys.

For a start, you need
vitamin D and sunshine.

- Do you have to do that now?
- Yoga's great for processing grief.

HE WAILS

HE SIGHS

You grew up here?

Ah, do you know? Sometimes
I wish I'd just had

a more wholesome,
humble upbringing -

like you probably had.

Excuse me?! We had Sky!

And we went to Crete!

HE CHUCKLES

Did anything out of
the ordinary happen

running up to the event?

HE INHALES DEEPLY

No, I don't think so.

Although...

Oh, a few days ago,
Dad was acting strange.

- How?
- Kept trying to get rid of everyone.

Sent Aunt Hel off into
town to get supplies

and told me to make myself
scarce for the afternoon.

But I came back early
and he wasn't alone.

He was with a woman.

THUNDER CRASHES

Whoa... K!

Can you describe this woman?

Yeah, um, she was
young, dark hair.

A bit like you, I suppose.

But elegant and stylish.

I'm stylish. Have you
seen my little crop jacky?

Oof...

DOOR CLOSES

It's a little croppy jacky.

You, up on the roof,

bellowing poetry in a hurricane.

We all thought you were mad!

No, no, the technical term
is steaming, I think...

Latvian vodka, if I
remember correctly,

which I probably don't!

BOTH CHUCKLE

Oh, Johnny.

I feel awful
laughing in all this.

Are you OK, Helena?

Really?

I have to be.

There's much to be done, and this
place doesn't look after itself.

Is it not a bit too much
for you on your own?

Sometimes.

It'd be nice to have
someone else around to help.

Mm.

Owen comes now and then -

usually when he's
run out of money.

Perceptive of him to
come to you for money,

rather than Anthony.

Well, they'd had their troubles.

He did rather run off
the rails in his youth.

I say that's what being
young's for, but, er,

Anthony was very hard on him.

Even yesterday, they had a row.

What about?

I've no idea.

Now, that's very odd.

This door is always locked.

That's the third
door that's like it -

there are two more upstairs
that have been unlocked.

Very strange.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Thank you for being here.

Makes everything that
much more bearable.

CLOCK CHIMES

I just want everyone
out of this house.

I think the police
will be done soon,

and everyone will
be out of your hair.

Yeah... That's not happening.

The road's flooded.

I'm sorry, but you will all
have to stay here overnight.

BILL: Oh! Little
predictable, but I like it.

Izzy, where have you been?

I was just taking the bins out.

In this weather?

Is everyone here insane?

Well, I suggest everybody
locks themselves

in their rooms
until the morning,

when hopefully the
road will be clear.

CAESAR: I am certain
of two things, Atkins.

One - there is a
k*ller in our midst.

And two - they shall
presently lament

trying to commit a m*rder under
the nose of Charles Caesar.

We've had a statement in from
one of the neighbours, sir.

Do you have to watch that now?

It helps me think.

But it... Well,
it's distracting.

It's transported me
back to my character.

It's conflicting my psyche...

- Oh, this is a good bit.
- Mm.

PHONE RINGS

Oh.

Chaudhry!

Sorry, I was meant
to call you earlier,

but I've been with
the Lewises all day.

I've got to get a team
in from Welsh Water

to clear out the drains tomorrow

before Dave Lewis
- and I quote -

puts Tom Gibson
through the wall.

Aw, that sounds really boring.

Are you joking?

They're going to let me hold
the big hose! I can't wait!

Anyways, I've been
looking into Anthony Hart.

You're going to
want to hear this.

He was booked on a flight
back to LA next week.

So he wasn't sticking around?

No. But also,

he filed for bankruptcy
in the US. He was skint.

OK, bye!

Well, the bankruptcy explains

why Anthony was doing those
events. He needed the money.

That's a very
unimaginative conclusion.

Oh, for f... OK, why do
you imagine I'm wrong?

Because if Anthony needed money,

his agent could have
got him an advert.

It would have been easier and
ultimately less humiliating.

But bankruptcy? We're
talking a lot of money.

I bought a boat once

from just doing an advert
for Japanese vacuum cleaners.

Mind you, it wasn't
just for the money -

I actually believed in
Saku Suck And Clean.

O... K.

Well, while I YouTube that,
why don't we call it a night?

You could, um, go for
a nightcap with Helena?

No, I don't think so.

Why? She clearly fancies you.

Don't you like her?

Of course I do.
What's stopping you?

You're single.

I haven't been a
single man since 1986.

- I have a wife.
- You can't keep living in the past.

Oh, that's rich, coming from
someone driving around in hers.

Now, just leave it, OK?

OK. Fine.

RAIN LASHES

DOOR CREAKS

DRIPPING

THUNDER RUMBLES

- Johnny?!
- Oh, God!

TORCH CLANGS

Helena, I'm so sorry.

HELENA CHUCKLES

Um...

- Don't know which is which.
- This is mine.

Oh, right. Yeah, this is mine.

Sorry about that.

Ooh! I see you've found
your old dressing gown.

- Yeah.
- It still fits.

Yes, it does, yeah.

Brought back some memories.

Fond memories, I hope.

Oh, yeah.

Well, um...

..I... I don't think

I'm going to get back
to sleep right now.

Maybe a nightcap might
be a... good idea?

Maybe.

Ah...

Yes.

You do that, then. I...

I'd better not join you.

I'll only end up on the roof

shouting poetry again, yeah.

A bit dangerous in this weather.
I'd be like a lightning rod, yeah.

HE IMITATES expl*si*n

HE YAWNS

Pew!

Better get my head down.

Eight hours and all that - advisable
for our age group, I believe.

Yeah, heard it on a podcast.

Yeah. I won't...
I won't keep you.

Night-night. Er, sleep tight.

- Mm.
- All that... Nighty-night.

DOOR CLOSES

SHE SIGHS

I've slept on it
and I think I know

who the mystery woman
that Owen saw is.

What if, right,

she is the lover

Anthony came back for,

but she had a jealous husband,

and the husband joined the
m*rder-mystery event...

..to k*ll his love rival?

Dennis.

What, Dennis had a
glamorous younger wife?

- Mm.
- What did they talk about - his enlarged prostate?

No, no, no, no.

Well, I don't see you coming
up with any better ideas.

While you were busy sleeping,

my subconscious and my
antennae were busy deducing.

Oh...

It's obvious who this woman is.

Getting everyone out of the
house? The unlocked doors?

It must have been
an estate agent.

Anthony was going
to sell the house?

Well, it's the only logical
reason for him to come back.

He needed money fast.
It was his only asset.

An estate agent would
want to see every room,

hence the unlocked doors.

Mm. I'll get Chaudhry
to look into it.

OK.

If Dennis didn't do it,

how about Owen? He
could be our k*ller.

Why?

Because he's annoying,
and I don't trust him.

All his yoga and his yoga
gear and his yoga pants...

You've got more of an
issue with yoga than Owen.

Well, it's just stretching,

and everyone that does it
thinks they're Gwyneth Paltrow,

and I'm sick of it!

Plus, he smells of biscuits.

- Mm.
- He's guilty.

If we just knew why
him and Anthony argued,

we could prove it.

Well, you're not going to
find the answer in there.

Actually...

WATER SPLASHES

Can't this wait?

I'm kind of busy right now, because
our useless maid for the weekend

just leaves all the
c*ck stuff lying around.

It won't take
long. Ooh, tequila!

I love a tequila slammer.

Yeah, you seem like the
sort of person who would.

Right, we need to talk now.

About this.

"Love Island Star's
Hideaway Regret"?

- Oh, er...
- No, no, er...

Just, er...

"London Party Animals."

That would be you rolling
out of the back of a cab

- in Soho, mm?
- Mm?

That's why you and
Anthony argued.

There is no wellness retreat.

You've been living in London,
partying on Daddy's money.

He found out and
summoned you home.

You had to make it look like

you were living in Ibiza,
hence the fake tan.

Looks the part, but as anyone
whose mam loves fake tan

as much as mine knows,
it smells like biscuits.

The nose doesn't lie.

Fine.

Yeah.

Dad called me and told me
to "come home at once"!

And, well, you know, you
don't ignore the big chief.

And Anthony showed
you the magazine?

Mm. Said it was the final straw.

- MOCKINGLY: -
"No more money."

- Pretty big motive for m*rder.
- Mm.

OK, now, wait a minute.

OK, he was threatening to
cut me off all the time.

Plus, I could just
borrow from Aunt Hel.

Or bump him off and
inherit everything?

Look... I... I wouldn't.
I couldn't do it.

You know, most of the
Zen stuff's an act,

but deep down I'm actually
a really peaceful guy.

Hugs, not drugs, you know?
Although I do really love drugs.

Look, if anyone wanted to
hurt Dad, it was that old guy.

He threatened him.

You threatened to punch Anthony.

Was it you that gave
him the black eye?

No! We had words, that's all.

I was standing up for
the girl. The maid.

- Izzy?
- Yeah.

He had a pop at her about his
margarita being too sweet,

- so I told him to pick on someone his own size.
- Mm.

PHONE RINGS

Ooh.

Chaudhry. Yeah, er, I-I've
got to take this, sorry.

Chaudhry? What did you get?

Well, hopefully we
can all go home soon.

Not soon enough, as
far as I'm concerned.

Well, this is what I can't
understand about you, Dennis.

DOOR CLOSES

Everyone else, I get
why they're here.

They enjoy all this,
the... artifice.

So do I.

"And nurses think
they've got it tough"?

No, no, you've no time for
dressing up, make-believe.

You're a practical man.

So why have you spent a
small fortune to be here?

You're right.

I'm not like the others.

Oddballs.

I think a lot of TV crime
stuff's just nonsense.

Agreed.

Well, it's actually what
made Caesar so remarkable.

But it's not about
Caesar, sorry. Carry on.

I am a sucker for Phoenix.

Really? I found it
to be formulaic,

but it's all a matter
of taste, of course.

No, please... please carry on.

My daughter was a huge fan.

We'd watch it together
every week without fail.

What happened to your
daughter, Dennis?

She moved to Canada. Years ago.

I don't see her any more.

It's only Canada.

Flights are cheaper
than coming here.

It's not that simple.

We fell out.

Things can't go back
to how they were.

No. They never can.

That's why I came here, really.

Daft old sod.

I saw it advertised
and I thought

it might feel like me and her
were still together somehow.

I didn't want to admit it,

because, well, it
makes me sound bonkers.

You're not bonkers, Dennis.

Well, maybe you are, but, er...

..we're all a bit
bonkers, aren't we?

HE CHUCKLES

Ah, yes.

OK, I will need you to come in
and make an official statement.

Yes, bye. Love you.

Doh... dunno why I said
that! Argh, hang up!

That was our estate agent.

MY estate agent.

You thought it was Dennis's
younger wife, remember?

Mm, potato, tomay-to.

She did meet with Anthony to
put the house on the market.

She called back to confirm
some details a few days ago,

but said the call was
answered by Anthony's sister.

- No.
- Yes.

Helena said they were
still considering it

and hadn't confirmed 100%
whether they'd be selling.

No, no, no, no, Helena
would never sell the house.

Which puts Helena in the frame.

There was a call from some woman
but I was rushed off my feet.

I just said what I thought
would... get her off the line.

Ooh! Oh!

I must have, er... must
have got a... shock

from the light switch.

You didn't confront Anthony?

I didn't think he was serious.

Weird. Didn't hurt me.

But then I didn't hurt my
hand attacking Anthony.

God, I'm good - admit it.

Maybe not the time,
but very good, yes.

Is it true, Helena?

The selfishness.

WASHING MACHINE DOOR BANGS

Typical Anthony.

He was trying to sell my home.

You couldn't let that happen,
so you didn't. You stopped him.

No, no, no, no. We argued.
I was furious and I hit him,

but that was all.

I needed him to make
these events a success.

I'd spent months putting
everything in place.

Not strictly true
- not everything.

Think, Chapel.

Yes. The name cards...

..were in the wrong place.

But I triple-checked all
the place settings myself

yesterday morning.

It's definitely in
the wrong place. See?

Well, that's even stranger.

The name's wrong. There
was no Lorna Maddison.

Patty was supposed to
be a different name.

Mary Murphy O'Toole. I came
up with all the names myself,

and I was particularly
pleased with that one.

- Very Irish.
- Mm.

It's been tampered with.

So who is Lorna Maddison?

Lorna Maddison - worked
as a production assistant

on the TV show Phoenix.

Where is she now?

Dead.

Died in a car crash in 2007
whilst working on the show.

According to the inquest,
she fell asleep at the wheel.

She was driving
from set to London

after a 15-hour working day

to go pick up Anthony
Hart's mail from his house.

All that to pick up
some mail? What an arse.

Left behind a husband and
a six-month-old daughter.

Aw...

Also, we've had an update
from Baxter on the toxicology.

Said she's rushed
the results through,

so you owe her a Pizza Express.

Every time! What
else did she say?

Well, the cause of death
is still a letter opener,

but Anthony had traces of
ethylene glycol in his system.

Somebody had tried
to poison him.

How much did everyone
hate this guy?!

Ethylene glycol?

Found in brake fluid.
Not enough to k*ll him.

Apparently, it's quite easy to
hide. It tastes quite sweet.

Thanks, Chaudhry.

Well, that explains
why Anthony thought

there was too much sugar
syrup in his margarita.

Mm.

And it does rather
implicate Izzy in his death.

- But why would she do it?
- I don't know.

Ah... the only motives I can
see come from the family,

and Izzy is not family.

She might be.

Yeah, of course.

The name card,

the letter opener,
Lorna Maddison -

it all comes back to her.

Somebody wanted revenge
for what happened.

Who?

Lorna's daughter. The
six-month-old baby girl!

She'd be about 18 now.

It's possible. She clearly lied
to get the job working here.

Silver-service waitresses
don't tend to come

straight from Cardiff Infernos.

But why go to all the bother? Why
not just bump him off in the street?

She didn't want
to just k*ll him -

she wanted him to know why,

she wanted him to be scared.

That's why she posted the
letter under his door.

- It was a threat.
- Where's the letter?

She took it from Anthony's room.

Think about it. Izzy's
reaction to seeing the body

was to run upstairs
to the bathroom. Why?

There's a toilet by the kitchen.

She couldn't risk you
finding it in the house.

Didn't it seem strange that
she went to take out the bins

during a storm? You'd wait
until later, wouldn't you?

Unless you had to get rid
of something urgently.

Why would I k*ll him?
It makes no sense.

A lot of things make no sense.

Like why you lied your way
into a waitressing job.

You did it to get close
to Anthony, didn't you?

- No.
- Yes. You tried to poison him,

and when that didn't
work, you stabbed him.

No! Why would I?

Because he k*lled your mother.

Mam's dead?!

I spoke to her this morning!

You're not Lorna
Maddison's daughter?

No, my mam's called Trish.

Are you sure?

What, that she's alive or
that she's called Trish?

I mean, I'm pretty sure on both
but I can ring her and check.

Agh, damn!

Wha...! I was really
hoping your mam was dead!

Not in that way. But something
about you doesn't add up,

so you better tell me why
you're really here now

or I'm taking you down the
station. Now, let's start

with why you put a letter
underneath Anthony's door.

It wasn't a letter,
it was a headshot.

She's an actress. She lied her way
here to get closer to Anthony -

thought it would
help her career.

Same as she thought you would.

Ah, well, that's why she was
keen to talk about my process.

That's a relief.

I did worry she was flirting.

With you? Ego much?

As if she wants to see you in your
Speedos with all your danglage.

It does take us back
to square one, though.

I was sure she was the daughter.

It did feel right.

Emotionally.

An obsessive needing revenge
for a loss, righting the past.

Oh, Chapel...

Chapel...

Yes-s!

Oh, you fool! It's obvious!

It wasn't the daughter,

but it was the daughter!

Just once, please, make sense.

The road has been cleared now
so you're all free to go...

..once we've sorted out the little
matter of who k*lled Anthony.

BILL CHUCKLES

- Now...
- Wait, what?

..this m*rder is, at its heart,

about a woman called Lorna
Maddison - a young woman

who died because
of Anthony Hart,


to collect his post.

Hence the letter opener.

- I really like the word "hence".
- I should use it more often.

The letter opener
was significant.

Symbolic.

Wasn't it, Dennis?

BILL GASPS

No way!

You were the big
inconsistency from the start.

The huge fan of Phoenix

who wasn't interested
in the show.

I told you, I liked it

because me and my
daughter were into it.

Your daughter. Yes.

You were telling
the truth there.

I could tell how
much you miss her.

But there'd been no
falling-out between you.

You'd do anything to see
your daughter again...

..but you can't.

Because Lorna is dead.

The only genuine
emotion you showed

was when you saw Anthony
shouting at Izzy -

seeing him push
around a young woman

the way he'd pushed
your daughter around.

Do you deny it, Dennis?

That man...

Maybe he wasn't in the car...

..but he k*lled my girl.

Every time I saw his
smug face on the telly,

this thing grew inside me.

I knew I'd have to
finish him off one day.

Just had to find out
how to get to him.

You famous people
are really cagey

about your whereabouts and that.

Well, quite wisely,
in your case.

Then I saw the ad for this.
Couldn't believe my luck.

First thing I thought of
was the letter opener.

Seemed fitting.

"Here's your mail."

I'd snuck off and changed
the place cards earlier.

Said I needed the loo.

In actual fact, I've got the
prostate of a 25-year-old.

Then I came down before lunch.

Asked for an autograph
for my little girl.

He asked me her name.

I told him -

Lorna Maddison.

They were the last
words he heard.

You k*lled my dad?

Saved you the job in the end.

What?

You'd already started your
plan to k*ll your dad.

Poisoning him with brake
fluid in the margarita.

BILL GASPS

I told you I know how
to make c*ck!

Owen wouldn't m*rder his father.

He had to. Anthony had
threatened to cut him off.

Good work, Detective.

- I completely missed that.
- Mm.

This is absurd.
There's no evidence.

The tequila bottle. It's
empty, but there'll be traces.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Yeah, OK...

Yeah, you got me.
That's very good.

Mm, yeah. When I saw
him at the table,

the tears were real.
I was so relieved.

Thank you, Dennis.

Thanks to you, I walk free,
and inherit everything, so...

Yeah. No, you're still
going to be arrested.

It's still attempted m*rder.

What?!

No.

Please, no. Um...
It-It was a joke.

Er, doesn't grief do
that to some people?

Gallows humour? No?

Oh, come on, it wasn't even
enough poison to k*ll him.

It would've taken me weeks.

A good lawyer will get me off.

And how are you going
to afford a good lawyer?

SIREN APPROACHES

Um... Oh, Aunt Hel, maybe you...

You little sh*t. You'll never
receive a penny from me again.

That'll be your ride, boys.

We can come to an
arrangement - me and you?

A mutual arrangement?
Backs get scratched?

A bribe - there, I
can't be any clearer.

Watch the shirt!

There you go, Chaudhry.
Didn't miss out

on all the excitement
with your dead sheep.

Didn't you hear? It wasn't a sheep
carcass at all. It was a human's.

- What?!
- It'd had been in the drain for years.

Clarke wants us on
it straight away.

I'll see you back at
the station, all right?

OK, all right.

ENGINE STARTS

Er, I-I need to head
straight down to the station.

What, in your car?

You going to make it?

Oh, I hope so, but...
maybe you are right.

Maybe I do need to
start thinking about...

..maybe thinking about...

..letting it go.

Well, you don't want to be
stuck in the past, like Dennis.

Be sure to give us a good
review on Tripadvisor.

Oh, that's for sure! We
had a great time. Thanks.

Johnny? You're not going?

Yeah, I'd better
get back. Yeah.

Helena, look, um,

if you're not, er, preoccupied

in doing, you know, with the...

Are you trying to... ask me out?

I think I am. Yeah.

Dinner?

Talk about old times?

Maybe make some new times?

Yes, yes, I'd... I'd love that.

Right, excellent.

Great.

Lovely.

Oh, Johnny Chapel, you've
got me all flustered.

BILL CHUCKLES

I can't believe
the vicar did it.

We'll be booking
again for next year.

Oh, before you go, John Chapel,

can I get one more photo of
the supersleuths together?

One more? You've been taking
photos this whole time?

- Yeah.
- Er...

CAMERA CLICKS

Please tell me you haven't
sent them to anyone?

- Well, just our kids.
- The kids.

You got quite the
response on social media.

- Oh!
- Oh, God.

No. No, no, no. Delete, delete.

- Delete?
- Delete them all.

All right. Delete them all.

- What's the matter?
- Er, I'm so fired.

Ah... We're in the paper!

"Washed-up actor"?
Well, this won't do!

Ah...

PHONE RINGS

Oh, G... Clarke's calling me.

I'm dead. I'm dead.

- BREEZILY: - Hi!