Bad Psychiatrist (2025)

[bunniefuu]

[FILM PROJECTOR REVS]

[TYPEWRITER TYPING]

[MUSIC]

[CHAIN-LINK FENCE RATTLES]

Brian, right?

- Yeah.

- Hello. Hi, um, a pleasure!

- Doctor...

- Nauberger.

Nauberger.

Hey, come into my

office and, uh,

- take a seat.

- This... this is your office?

Yeah. It's only for

temporary, but, you know.

- Well, I mean it...

- Come on, take a seat.

Looked a lot different

on the website.

I really wouldn't worry

about that, Brian,

because you're

here to talk to me

so you just close your eyes.

Take some deep breaths

and tell me about it.

Well, I mean, I guess, uh,

it all stems from my father.

Uh-huh.

You know what, go ahead

and tell me about that.

What... what is that smell?

It's just the dumpster.

It's, it's normal.

Go ahead and continue where, um,

you left off. Now

close your eyes.

Um, like I said, my,

my dad and my sister...

Uh-huh. Tell me about them.

Everyone always listens to them.

And, and for me, it's... nobody,

nobody gives me

my chance to speak

and I have so much to say

and so much to give, and,

and nobody wants to

listen to me. And, Yeah.

And I just need

someone to, uh, listen.

- Yeah.

- And, uh... Hmm.

And are you, are

you listening to me?

Well, of course I'm listening.

Perhaps, um, [FLY BUZZING]

perhaps it's your id.

Don't worry about the little

flies. It's part of nature.

Do you know what the id is?

The id is a manifestation

of your subconscious desire,

so I think that you

should listen to the id,

Brian. Okay. You understand?

I, I, what is, what is

that sound? Who is that?

[SKATEBOARD ROLLING]

Oh, don't worry about

him. That's Bobby,

my son. Hi, Bobby!

Hey, dad!

BRIAN: Your son?

Yeah, but we have to

keep it quiet here

because he's learning

how to skateboard Now?

Well, I want to keep him here,

so where I can watch him.

Okay? So please just continue

from where you left off.

Yeah, I think our,

our time's up, right?

No, no, no, no. We

have 30 minutes.

A good 30 minutes

left. So you go ahead.

No, you know what, I got,

I got somewhere I gotta be.

No, no. Just, just...

So you liked your free trial

and you, I'll see you next week?

Yeah. You know what?

I, I gotta be honest.

The dumpster of

the Chinese food,

your kid, the, the emails

that you constantly send

me, I, I, I can't do it.

I can't...

The, the trash everywhere.

Listen, the Groupon deal was...

Was extremely reasonable,

I know, and you're welcome.

Listen, I, I, I think I

realized what the problem is.

- I don't stand...

- Yeah. Good work.

Don't stand up

for myself enough.

Excellent.

Yeah. But stop

with the, the texts

and the calls and the emails...

You're making progress.

No, I gotta say no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait. You need help. Please.

Let me help you. Okay. Okay.

Oh, wait, wait. I

have, I have something.

Hold on.

[SIGHS] What?

[PLASTIC UNWRAPPING]

You will soon create a

favorable impression on someone.

[SIGHS]

Hey, that's great news!

No, no.

Hey, this kind of stuff

is worth a fortune.

So I'll see you next

week, okay, bud?

[CHAIN-LINK FENCE RATTLING]

Hey, that was great success.

Great with the

Groupons there, Bobby.

Marketing genius!

- Really?

- So, yeah... You make old Pop proud,

but you show the old popster

a pop shove-off, man.

Yay! Wow.

You're a natural, dude.

Try again.

Never give up.

Daddy loves you.

[SKATEBOARD ROLLING]

[MUSIC]

Great session.

Sorry to hear your father

and sister hate you,

but maybe they will listen

if you open your heart.

[DOOR OPENING]

Dig deep next week

and tag...

and...

post!

Hey, I-I'm looking

for a Dr. Nauberger.

I have an appointment.

- If you can help me?

- Oh!

Craig, right? Yes?

- Oh. Oh.

- Hey!

Dr. Nauberger at your service.

- All right.

- The power of now.

- Oh, okay.

- Yeah, yeah.

No, h-hey, have a seat.

[TELEPHONE CHATTER]

Lay back. Put your feet up.

Did you find the place okay?

Yeah.

Lay back. Put your feet up.

Yeah.

[EXHALES]

There you go.

So did you have a hard

time finding the place?

No.

Yeah. Where are you coming from?

Oh, I live way, way, way down

in the middle of nowhere.

- Really? Where?

- In Los Angeles.

Los Angeles, like the

city of Los Angeles?

Yeah.

Well, that's uh,

it's not that far.

No, I live pretty far.

Took me 15 minutes to get here.

15 minutes. Oh, interesting.

[PRINTER PRINTING]

Wh-what... what are you doing?

[CAMERA SHUTTERS]

Oh, no, don't, don't

worry about it.

It's just for social.

Well, let's get started.

Would you tell me a bit

about your practice first?

Practice? I don't need

practice. I know what I'm doing.

No, like, would you tell

me your methodology?

Like, is it the

psychoanalytic approach?

Is it cognitive

behavioral therapy,

- or is it...

- Oh, that one.

Uh-huh.

And where'd you go to school?

Trident?

Oh, no, no, no, thanks.

I don't like gum.

Oh, no, no. Trident University.

It's a school my

son Bobby found.

[LAUGHS]

B-Bobby?

Bobby? Yeah. He's my son.

You'll meet him. Yeah.

He is at the skate park though.

Right.

Before we start, I just

wanted you to know,

due to the new offices,

there's gonna be a slight,

very slight upcharge.

Oh, but the Groupon said it

was $178 for the session.

Yeah, but, hm... due

to the new offices,

it's gonna be

additional 100. So 278.

Oh, no.

[LAUGHING] No, I dunno.

I'm not giving you 2...

Okay. Okay. So we

can do the 178.

Yeah, that...

that's what I paid.

Or 25% off.

Hey, look, I'm not going

any more than 50% off, okay?

MAN: Excuse me?

This is a private office.

Uh, well, I mean,

the door was open,

so I thought it was

a public lob-lobby

for public use, you know.

No, no. I'm sorry. You're

gonna have to leave.

[TELEPHONE CHATTER]

Come on, Craig. Let's go.

[PHONE RINGING]

So you don't have an office?

Not exactly.

And who was that?

I don't know. It doesn't matter.

Hey, have you been

a psychiatrist long?

Listen, we're here

to talk about you.

This is only gonna work

if we're open here.

Okay? So tell me, like,

where do you live?

Exactly.

Okay. You know what

I'm sensing from you?

I'm sensing that you

have some sort of issues

of where you live

and you're gonna have

to be open about it.

Okay?

Well, I used to have

this nice apartment.

Well, that does sound nice.

I got evicted when they

told me I had to pay rent.

Oh.

Yeah. That really blindsided me.

You know, that

happened to me too?

Ah, perfect.

Can you, uh, help

me with the couch?

Oh, this is nice.

[LAUGHING] - Hmm.

I like what you

did with the place.

Uh-huh.

Now, uh, there's a reason

why you paid for the Groupon,

and that's because

you need help.

All right?

And I'm paying

you for this, huh?

Time is money. Money is time.

Okay, here we go.

All right, have a seat.

Have a seat. Lie down.

Let's begin.

Okay.

Oh.

[EXHALES]

So... what's the problem?

Well, I mean,

it's... social media.

Mm-hm.

I don't know if my

friends are trying to

separate themselves from me.

I get online and I, I

comment on their pictures.

I leave stuff on their wall.

I send them messages

and they never respond.

Hmm.

I don't, I don't

know what to do.

You know, Bobby's a

genius at this stuff.

And what he tells me to do is

to direct message

them or DM them.

What's that?

Well, that's when

you, um, put up a post

or something, and then you

send them a message like,

"Hey, did you like my post?

Why aren't you

responding 'like'?"

or something like that.

That's the weird thing.

- I'll text them...

- Uh-huh.

And they'll say, yeah,

sure, let's meet up,

but they never say

anything online.

Ah.

I put them in my top eight, man.

- Top eight?

- Top eight!

My only friend left is Tom.

It's just me and

Tom on there now.

He's the only person

online with me.

Sad.

So I might as well delete

my MySpace because,

- Well, - well,

what's the point?

Maybe MySpace isn't for you.

How many Instagram

followers do you have?

What are you talking about?

Instagram? You don't

know Instagram?

- What's that?

- Oh my goodness.

Instagram is absolutely

wonderful! Let me show you.

Okay, here's what I posted

yesterday. See this photo?

It's of a session, and

I put a little recap of

what we discussed,

and then I go ahead

and I share it with everybody,

and it really helps my business.

That doesn't really seem

appropriate for a psychiatrist.

Haven't you heard of

doctor-client confidentiality?

No. That's only for crime.

There's no crime committed

here, so it's fine.

[LAUGHING] I don't know

about that because... Oh.

- Speaking of, um...

- Uh-huh.

[LAUGHS] oh man,

I didn't think I was gonna

talk about this, but...

- I was having...

- Go deep go dark.

No, I was having lunch

with this young lady...

A virtual lunch, and?

No, no, no, no, no. Just,

just a regular lunch.

Oh, oh... lay down.

I was having lunch

with this young lady,

and I thought like,

oh, she might be nice,

- Mm-hm.

- You know?

I'm gonna get somewhere.

She was a standup comic, - and I thought...

- Mm-hm.

Hm, hm.

And I thought,

you know, she might

be really funny,

and she was!

- Mm-hm.

But she was just

so into her salad.

I couldn't get a word

out of her. You know?

I, I didn't know if it was

me, if it was the salad.

Should I wear more green?

What does that have

to do with anything?

I know. I'm just saying as far

as like, where my life is going.

What do you think I

should do? I mean, you,

your honest opinion doc.

Like, what do I need?

Like what should I do?

Well, I, I have some

medication that'll

help you in the short term.

Take two of these.

No, take three,

because you're a special case

and it'll help you

relax for a while.

What is it?

Oh, it doesn't

matter. Just take it.

Looks like Advil.

Well, it does, but just take

it, chew it up in your mouth,

get it all over your

tongue, into the crevices

of your receding gums.

And I'll see you in a

week, and you come back

and you tell me all

about your experiences.

Oh.

If you need

instructions, call me.

Next week.

[PEZ DISPENSER SNAPS]

[MUSIC]

Ah!

[GRUNTING]

[EXHALES]

Hi, Craig?

It's you! It's us!

Hi, um... no my name

is Greg. Do I know you?

- No, Craig right?

- It's Greg with a "G".

But you look so familiar.

We had a therapy session

last summer, didn't we?

- I don't remember that.

- You know what?

I know what it is! You have

that Michael Jackson thing,

you know, where you

turn white, right?

I really have to be

going. I'm sorry.

- Hey, hey, hey!

- I'll see you later.

You in need of psychiatric care?

The power of now. It does work.

Okay. Um, yeah. See you.

- No, no, Craig.

- See ya.

Hey, come back, Craig!

- Craig, come back!

- Jeez!

Ow!

Well, you got a pretty

good arm, there.

Thank you. I'm, I'm

sorry about that,

but you don't mind if I can

have my yoga brick back?

Those aren't cheap, you know?

Will you do a therapy

session with me?

I'm not interested in therapy.

But you'll do a

free psych session.

[SIGHS]

I, maybe, I don't, I don't...

- Please?

[SIGHING]

- Okay. Okay. Okay.

- Ah!

Okay!

- All right.

- Wow, really?

I don't know. Now I'm not,

now I'm not that interested.

But you just said you would.

I, I mean, is it, will

it take long? Is it...

You know, maybe a couple months.

It really depends how

screwed up you are.

And do you wanna do

it now or later, or?

No, don't worry about it. Yeah.

- Later.

- Yeah.

- Later is good. Okay, cool.

- Hey, hey, hey!

No, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait!

I just forgot, I have

something on my schedule.

- Yeah.

- So go ahead

and put your contact

information in here

and, and I'll reach

you, man. Okay?

- Okay.

- Thanks.

It's locked.

Oh, I, I'm so sorry. Oh, okay.

There you go.

Okay.

- Okay.

- I really gotta go. Come on.

I'm sorry. No pressure, but...

- Oh, okay. You can...

- Okay, cool. Hey!

Good.

- Hey, thank you.

- Okay.

Namaste!

- Is that what you say?

- Yes.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Hey, take care, Greg-Craig.

All right, bye-bye.

[MUSIC]

[LAUGHTER]

[PHONE RINGING]

[SIGHS]

Hello?

Hi, Craig.

It's Nauberger,

your psycho analyst.

Okay. Can I help you?

Yeah. Are you ready

to do the deep dive?

I... the what?

Your free psych session.

Um... Hey, listen,

I, uh, I really...

can't, I'm very busy.

This is more important.

Clear your schedule.

Uh-huh.

Hey, look, I don't have an

office, but you know what?

In your case, maybe this time

I'll, I'll do a house call.

Where do you live?

[INHALING]

Since, since you

put it that way.

Well... [LAUGHS]

- Yeah, gimme a second

here, - NAUBERGER: Mm-hm.

Doctor.

Um... Okay, let,

let's, okay. Yeah.

I live on South Fairfax...

Street, at Stocker.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

What?

[MUSIC]

NAUBERGER: Hey, Craig! Hey...

Yeah, it's a, it's

a big beautiful day

for therapy, my friend.

Um, I don't see any addresses,

but we're at 5,000 Fairfax,

but hey, uh, I don't

know where I am.

I think I'm lost. Call me?

Please?

Okay.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Hey, Craig! Come back!

You forgot your mat, you

forgot your yoga blocks.

Thanks.

Are you avoiding me?

You missed your therapy session.

I mean, you left

me hangin', dawg.

[SIGHS]

I forgot. I should

really be getting

- back to yoga, though.

- No, no. Come on.

You promised.

Come on, sit down

on the soft grass.

- Yeah?

- Come on, you owe me.

Wait! Wait, wait.

Allow me, okay, lemme

get this for you, okay.

- All right. Now, sit down.

- All right.

Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Okay.

[GRUNTS]

Okay. Now!

Forget about yoga.

Let us begin. Let me fix you.

Oh, I'm not interested

in therapy for myself.

Look, I've helped

so many clients,

so many wonderful people,

you know, I'd be willing

to drop all of them just

to help you full-time.

I don't need that.

I, you know, this isn't really

a, a way to practice therapy

at all, or I don't even if, you

know if you are

a real therapist.

Well then, why

don't we just hang?

[SIGHING]

You don't, you don't have

anybody to talk to, do you?

Hm.

Well, I guess we could all

use someone to talk to...

every once in a while.

Well, you can talk to me.

No, but I mean,

like a real friend.

Well, I am your real friend.

Ah, but...

someone, someone you could

really vibe with, you know?

Well, you know, I'm your friend

who you're vibing

with right now.

No, I don't know about that.

I mean, someone who's funny,

someone who can make me laugh.

I can make you laugh.

You know, there

once was this guy

and he was crossing the road

and there was a, a chicken.

And, you know, I'm

really bad at this.

If, if Craig was here, he would

know something funny to say.

Who is Craig?

Well, Craig was

my second patient,

and he was um, he was great.

We all miss him.

Tell me more.

Well, he had so much potential

natural talent, and he

was also naturally funny.

And he, he was always joking.

And you never knew what

was true and what wasn't.

And that's what made

him so fascinating.

Then he started flaking.

He missed a session, and

then he stopped returning my

texts and phone calls.

How long has it been

since he's stopped

returning your texts and calls?

Well, it's only

been a year, so...

Oh, have you considered that

maybe since he

doesn't return texts

or calls, maybe he

doesn't wanna talk to you?

Oh, I think he's just confused.

Look, there's a,

there's a little concept

I wanna tell you about

called reciprocity.

- Reciprocity.

- Uh-huh.

Now, I don't mean

that every relationship

has to be transactional,

but say you invite someone

to lunch, but they're busy,

but then they invite

you to something else

that's being reciprocal.

- Craig did that.

- Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I said, "See you later."

And he said, "Okay."

It's not, it's not

really... it, you know,

maybe he was just trying to

hurt, not hurt your feelings.

Or he, maybe things have

changed for Craig since then.

No, I just don't think

he's getting my texts.

How does it make you feel when

you invite Craig to therapy

and he doesn't respond?

Bad.

Yeah. Maybe you should

try for something new.

Do you have any other patients?

Well, I had Brian, but...

he disappeared too.

And then there was Craig,

and I really thought

he was the one.

That's putting a lot of

emotional pressure on Craig

to be so focused on him.

Yeah. I guess it's...

How do you think

it made him feel?

Yeah, too much. Too much. Yeah.

Yeah. Does that make sense?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

You're really good at this.

I think maybe you should

be a psychologist.

Yeah...

That's kind of what I do.

Or, I go to school for it.

Oh!

You could teach me.

It's not how it works.

I can't, I can't teach you.

But you know what?

I think you're

really helping me.

Can we do another session?

I can't, I haven't graduated.

I can refer you to a licensed

psychologist who would

love to help you,

but I, I can't.

You know, I, I don't

have any money.

Please? You help me.

[SIGHS] All right.

All right. I'll try to help you.

Just don't tell anyone. Keep

it on the down low. Okay?

- All right, all right.

- All right.

Okay.

[MUSIC]

Craig! Dr. Nauberger.

Hey, what do you call a

ghost on a haunted ship?

A buoy!

Yeah.

Hey, um, you wanna do

another therapy session?

Gimme a call.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

Where's Greg?

Am I too fat?

Is it my B.O.?

Hey, Greg!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hi, over here!

- Over here, over here!

- Ah!

Hey.

Hey, doc.

Hi.

You know, I've been

trying to reach you.

Where have you been?

Oh, I've just been working.

So, hey, how was your

week? Any highs? Any lows?

Huh? Well, oh!

- [PATTING SHOULDER]

- Okay.

Well, I'm not interested in

therapy for me, remember?

I brought you these box of

tissues for you to cry in.

I will consider it a

personal failure of mine

if you don't cry by the

end of this session.

Do you need one of these?

Thank you.

[SNORTS]

[LAUGHING]

What's going on?

I can't get my practice going.

No clients are

interested in therapy.

No office, no money for school.

No Craig.

Well, do you have any family?

Yeah, I mean, I

have my son Bobby.

Yeah. He got married, and

he knocked up his wife,

- but, you know...

- [GASPS] Oh.

Yeah. And then he

doesn't have any time

for his old pop's

trick tips anymore.

Hm.

Then there's my daughter Allie,

and she won't speak to me, no.

Hm.

Why won't your

daughter speak to you?

Ah, nothing. All I did was try

to psychoanalyze

her for my book.

Oh.

Then we got in a fight over it

and we haven't talked for years.

Well, maybe since it's

been years, maybe it's time

to reach out to her to maybe

try to talk to her again.

I don't know how to talk to her.

Well, tell me more about that.

Well, I mean, ever since it

happened, I get really nervous

and the thought of talking

to her just terrifies me.

You know, I had the

same exact issue.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Now, I don't usually

speak about myself

when I'm conducting therapy,

but sometimes it can

be instructional,

but please don't share

this with anyone.

...don't share this with anyone.

...share this with anyone.

So, when I was talking

in front of groups,

like therapy group, public

speaking, I had the same fear,

but you know what happened?

I realized that if I

- imagined the audience

naked, - Uh-huh.

Then I could speak perfectly.

- Wow.

The whole thing went away.

That's great.

Hold on just a second.

Okay. Big smile.

[CAMERA SHUTTERS]

Heh!

Thank you, man. That's

for my social media.

- Oh.

- Yeah!

Help me get clients. I'll

build up my business.

- No, don't do that.

- Oh.

Yeah. Go to school.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, school.

- No money, but, yeah...

- All right. Yeah.

- All right,

well, - Okay, hey!

- Gotta get back.

- Hey, thanks man!

- Okay. Thank you.

- Okay.

Yep.

I didn't imagine you

naked. I wouldn't do that.

- [LAUGHS] - Oh, - Thanks for the advice.

- Thank you.

I feel comfortable with you.

- Yeah. All right.

- Thanks a lot, man.

- Yeah.

- Appreciate it.

- Bye.

- See you soon!

- Yeah.

- Have a good jog!

Yup.

Take care!

Miss you!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[KNOCKING]

Hi Allie.

Hi, dad.

Look, I'm really

sorry for how I acted.

Okay. Thanks? Look, I gotta go.

No, I... can you forgive me?

It's just pretty

messed up what you did.

Yeah, I-I was

wrong. I can change.

What do you want?

I just want to be in your life.

Why? Haven't you

already done enough?

Because I love you.

But you're just gonna try

to psychoanalyze me again

and then put it on Instagram.

- I promise...

- You never listen!

I promise not to

psychoanalyze you.

I, I, I promise to listen to

you. I want to listen to you.

Okay? I can change.

Okay!

Okay.

All right.

You wanna get a coffee sometime?

Yeah. Okay.

When you're not busy,

of course. Okay.

Um... Well, kiddo. Great.

Thank... [SNIFFS]

Oh, dad. Bye dad.

I am the captain

of the Pinafore

and a right good captain too

I'm very, very good

and be it understood

I command a right good crew

GREG: He's very, very good

And be it understood

He commands a

right good crew

NAUBERGER: Hm hm-hm-hm-hm-hm

Ha ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

Hm hm hm hm hm hm

[MUSIC]

[PIGEONS COOING]

[MUSIC]

NAUBERGER: Thank

you @gregrusso23

for another great session.

Though some may think it weird

when you imagine your therapy

group buck-naked on

account of being nervous.

I think it is

endearing. See you soon.

NAUBERGER: The power of

now. The power of now...

[PHONE VIBRATING]

...now, the power

of now, the pow...

Hey, Greg. What's up?

GREG: Hi, Dr. Nauberger?

Yeah. Hi.

We need to talk.

About what?

Well, I saw your

Instagram post about me.

Oh, yeah. No, it

was a good one. Huh?

You deliberately did what

I told you not to do.

What?

Yeah. You shared that

con... story I told you in

- complete confidence.

- No, I'm, look...

- And you...

- I-I-I'm...

You embarrassed me in

front of my therapy

group. I'm totally embarrassed.

I'm so sorry!

- I... I, I'm, - I...

- I can't trust you any more.

- Please, no, I,

I'm sorry.

I, hey, hey, hey. It

won't happen again.

I, well, we certainly can't

continue our sessions.

Well, why not?

- Please?

- Well... I don't, I don't think we have

enough in common to be friends.

No, come on. That's not true.

So, I'm sorry. I

hope you understand.

No! We both love psychology.

We both love the great

outdoors. I mean, Greg...

[PHONE BEEPING]

Greg!

[SIGHS]

[MUSIC]

[PHONE PINGS]

Greg, you came!

Hey. Hey, doc.

Hey. I am really

sorry about that post.

I, I deleted it

and uh, you know, I, I

just can't get the hang

of all this texting and

Instagraming and stuff.

- Yeah.

- I got rid of the app.

It's all right.

Don't worry about it.

So you forgive me?

Yeah. It's not a big deal.

Why did you decide

to talk to me again?

Well, it would've been

easier to send you out

to the oil field or um... - What?

- You know... What?

You did that on purpose?

[LAUGHS] - Oh, you rascal!

[LAUGHING]

I'm sorry.

- Yeah.

- Trickster.

But yeah, no, I wanted

to give you this.

I, I got it previously,

but, you know... Wow!

It's a bloodstone. It

comes from Australia

and it, it helps people

who have been bullied

or abandoned to regain

a sense of self-worth.

Wow. Thank you.

Yeah. So, so this signifies

that our therapy

sessions from me to you,

or both ways, is now complete.

Oh. So, then you're leaving?

There was one other thing.

You know, you can call

and text like a

lot. A lot, a lot.

Yeah. I'm, I'm sorry.

I'll, I'll cut back.

So probably just daytime

hours would be a start.

And, and maybe, maybe

like once a week,

once every couple of weeks.

Yeah, that'd be all right.

So are we friends still?

Well, you know... [LAUGHING]

now that you put it that way.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah. I mean, call me

a week after Friday

or text me or

whatever and... Okay.

And um, yeah, we could

figure something out.

You know, go on a

hike or something.

- Right, I'd like that.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- That'd be cool.

Cool.

My name's Holm, by the way.

Holm.

Yeah.

That's nice.

Thank you.

[MUSIC]

GREG: So you heard

about the old one

about the guy who

crossed the road

with the chicken

or, or the duck?

NAUBERGER: Oh, you trying

to get me with that?

[LAUGHS]

What is the end to

that? I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know.

- I don't think anyone knows.

- Okay.

Yeah, it was a, it

was um, some animal,

I just can't really remember.

Uh-huh.

- A fowl? Or was a cat?

- [LAUGHING] Yeah.

I dunno. A dog?

[MUSIC]

Everything

Oh, everything

is going my way

And it's all because of me

No worries, so happy

Everything's going my way

It's all because of me

I was lonely, so lonely

But then I found a way

And it's all because of me

YOGA TEACHER: Palms on the mat.

Fingers spread wide, heart

melting towards the earth.

Raise your right leg high,

soaring like an eagle.

And take that leg

and step it through.

[GRUNTS] - Runner's lunge.

Bring your back foot in.

Reach your hands above!

Virabhadrasana, Warrior I.

[PANTING]

[MUSIC]

GREG: Hey, it's Greg.

Leave a message, and I'll

get right back to you.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Namaste.

It's Dr. Nauberger.

Give me a call.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

Dr. Nauberger?

Oh, Greg. Hi.

Hey. What's up, doc?

Nothing, just waiting

for you to text.

Nothing. I mean, I'm

waiting for the bus.

Well, good seeing you.

You might want to, you

know, sit on the bench.

It'll be more

comfortable, but, uh,

- all right.

- No, no, wait, wait, wait!

My car was towed. Take

me to the tow place?

Uh... Well, I mean, if

it's not too inconvenient.

Well, where is it?

I don't know. I mean,

it could be this way.

It could be this way.

Could be any which way,

really, when you think about it.

- Okay. Well, see you later.

- Wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

It's just down the block.

It'll take a second.

Uh, I'm getting in!

Ah!

Yes!

So, uh, where's your car?

You mean my Ferrari?

What? Your Ferrari?

- Just kidding!

- What?

I don't have a Ferrari,

but wait, wait!

Quick, quick! Pull

over, pull over!

What? Why?

Uh, ah!

I, I need to visualize a

Ferrari so I can have one.

Okay.

[EXHALES]

I need to concentrate

because if you visualize that

you have a Ferrari already,

then you will have one.

Mm!

Mm-mm-mm.

Hm. I hope that

works out for you.

[SIGHS]

Yeah. Me too.

Uh...

Yeah. Okay, cool. We can go.

Okay.

All right. So, uh, where,

which way should I take you?

- Um...

- Where's your car?

Uh...

Your car?

You don't, you don't

have a car, do you?

Eh...

You know, I used to have a

car, but I had an incident.

What happened?

Yeah, I don't want

to talk about it.

Okay.

You know, I'm bipolar

and maybe a ADHD too.

Oh, huh.

Yeah. That's why I have

troubles with, you know,

jobs and stuff.

Oh, right.

Hey, you want to go on a hike?

I can't. I have, uh,

class in like 10 minutes.

Oh, come on. You can skip it.

No, I can't.

Come on, live a little.

Haven't you ever played hooky?

Actually, never.

Oh, but you've always

wanted to, right?

Kind of.

Yeah. Well, you don't

wanna be sitting inside.

Yeah.

You know, it's the things that

you don't do that you regret.

Yeah! Okay. All right.

Cool.

All right.

Let's do it.

[MUSIC]

- Greg?

- Yeah.

Um, when can you be

my real therapist?

[LAUGHS]

Um... I guess, when

I graduate. Maybe.

- Oh.

- Maybe.

Okay, um, come on!

Let's do a session.

Look, there's a nice

little log I can lay on.

And there's rock there

that you can sit on.

Wait, wait. What's this?

Come on. It'll be

just like old times...

Wait, let, look, look!

- What?

- There's a bear right there.

[SCOFFS]

- Oh, is it...

- Can you see it?

Wait, is it a black

bear or brown bear?

I don't think that

matters right now.

[SNARLING]

To me it looks

like a black bear.

But you know, it

has brown spots,

so it could be a brown bear.

Look, I think we need

to slowly back away.

No, should we pet it?

No! I think we

should get a rock.

Get two rocks and hit

it together. And, and,

- maintain eye contact.

- No!

Shh, shh, shh, warrior pose.

Wait, it's not a time for yoga.

Warrior pose!

It'll scare him off!

- Stop! Just...

- Yeah.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Avert!

Avert your eyes.

Don't look at it.

Downward dog!

[GROWLING]

- No, downward dog!

- This is not a time for yoga!

Hey! Get off my friend!

[SHARP EXHALE]

Greg, I am so sorry

you got mauled.

It's just a little bear bite.

[SIGHING]

They're gonna fix it right up.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

[MUSIC]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[MUSIC]

Hi, Allie, over here!

Hey!

[LAUGHING]

Hi, dad!

Isn't this great?

Hanging with the Al-gal

just like old times.

[EXHALES]

Yeah.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, um, do you want a coffee?

I got it. Don't worry about it.

Um, black okay?

No, I think it was

brown, actually.

What?

Oh, right. No,

I... black. Black.

[LAUGHS]

I got you a bear claw.

Ew!

Are you okay?

You know, I'm just not

hungry I, I, I guess, uh...

Yeah. I, you look great.

Thanks! You, you look...

great!

Where are you staying?

Well, you know, here,

there, everywhere.

[SIGHS]

So, I've thought about it

and you could stay

with me if you want.

No, I don't know. I, I

don't want to impose.

No, it'd be fine. Really!

I, I have an extra bedroom and

we could get you cleaned up.

Maybe help you with

the job search.

- Oh, I have a job.

- You do?

Yeah. I'm a clinical

psychiatrist. But, you know that.

You're never going to

be a real psychiatrist.

Look, I talk to people.

I listen to people.

I prescribe medication.

You don't even have a license.

Psychiatrists need a

license to practice.

- Oh, that's dumb.

- Is not.

- Is too.

- Is not.

Is too, times a million.

- Is not times a billion.

- Trillion...

- Gazillion - Infinity.

Infinity plus one.

Ooh!

Well, if I'm not a

real psychiatrist,

then I must not have a session

with a very important

client in 5, 4, [MUSIC]

3...

Wait, I do.

Later.

Hey!

What's up?

Dr. Nauberger.

- Yeah.

- Hey.

W-what's up?

Nothing, what's,

uh, what's going on?

[EXHALES] Just here.

What are you doing?

Um, just taking a jog.

Jogging's bad for your

knees. Don't you know that?

- I guess.

- Well then why do you do it?

I guess you can once in a while.

Oh!

[SHARP INHALE] You want

to be my writing partner?

- Uh, no, thanks.

- Why not?

Well, I just prefer

writing alone.

Hmm. What are you writing about?

It's a case study

about two patients.

I don't see how that's gonna

make you a hundred million.

[LAUGHS]

I don't think that's

really the point.

You wanna know what

my book's about?

Uh, what?

Two best friends and

mental health issues.

Nice, nice.

You know, I joined

Toastmasters Improv Masters.

[LAUGHING] What's that?

Well, it's a place

where you give speeches.

You wanna hear my speech?

- Okay, um, - Um, okay.

- I guess...

- Yeah. So... off to your place!

So you gonna offer me any water?

Oh, yeah. Um, is,

uh, filtered okay?

Um, tap. And you don't

have to use your best cup.

[LAUGHING] Okay.

NAUBERGER: So there was this

girl, her name was Goldilocks,

and she was out for

a walk in the forest.

There were three

bowls of porridge...

...and she tried

the first one and...

...the second one

is like, ouch...

...ooh, that's too soft.

She tried the third one...

...really, really mad.

And then she woke up...

...and she ran out the door.

The end.

So we gonna watch TV now?

Yeah. I guess I could

turn something on.

Okay.

[REMOTE CLICKS] -

[TV PROGRAM STARTS]

So you single? Married?

Lookin'?

Um... single.

Hm.

You're looking for

someone hot, like, uh...

Taylor Swift.

[LAUGHING] I guess.

Someone young, like 18 or 20?

I don't know. I think

probably someone

closer to my own age.

Me, I'm looking for Craig

or someone exactly like him.

Hmm.

Well you, uh, done

with your water?

Uh... why you want me

to leave, or something?

No, no, no.

I just, um, I have some

work that I need to do.

Oh, but you know what? I

still need mental help.

I mean, you know, these days

Craig is so hard to read,

especially when I

don't know where he is

or what he's doing.

Well, you know, have you

tried meeting new people?

EHarmony is something

you could, maybe...

No, I prefer to meet

some Craig in person.

[MUSIC]

Uh-huh.

Well, okay, here is some

homework you can try.

Maybe try talking to five

new people in real life.

And one non-confrontational

way you could meet someone is

just to ask for the time.

Hmm.

Okay.

So you're kicking me out now.

I'm kicking out now.

Okay.

Later.

- All right.

- Thanks for the water.

Yeah, no worries.

Mmm.

Unfiltered's the best!

[MUSIC]

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hey, uh, do you know

what time it is?

Um...

- 11:35.

- Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. Do

you know what time it is?

Do I look like a clock to you?

Nu-uh.

Hi.

Nope.

Hi! Excuse me. Do you

know what time it is?

NAUBERGER: Do you

know what time it is?

[LAUGHS] Dr. Nauberger.

Hey, what's up?

What are you doing?

Nothing. I'm just studying.

I have a big test coming up.

Oh. Do you have

a girlfriend yet?

No.

So maybe you're the shy guy.

But you know, I

have a game for you.

I learned it at

Toastmasters Improv Masters.

Your game was way too boring.

It's called Dr. Know-it-all.

Come on, follow me. Come on.

- There?

- Yeah.

Hi!

We're Dr. Know-it-all.

Ask us any question

and we will give you the answer.

Ask us anything at all.

Like, who will win that

important ball game?

Or when will the

universe expand?

Uh, improv. I don't

have time for this.

Okay... um, any, any

question? Come on.

Just a word. We're

Dr. Know-it-all.

[SIGHING] Okay.

Where is my sanity?

Sanity... okay,

so you say any word, but

you just keep it going.

Sanity - bubble is

Fi-fishing for the disaster

area of Life.

[LAUGHING] Yeah. Sorry.

[MUSIC]

Hi!

We're Dr. Know-it-all,

ask us any question

and we will give you the answer.

But - there - is

cheese - in - your - teeth!

[LAUGHS]

[FEET SHUFFLING]

Hi, we're Dr. Know-it-all.

Ask us any question

and we will give you the answer.

Poof!

MAN: Excuse me.

I'm the manager and we've

been getting some complaints.

- And your question is, sir?

- No question,

but I request that you

don't bother our customers.

Please, sirs.

Yeah, we were just

on our way out.

No, no, no. You

don't understand.

We're Dr. Know-it-all.

Ask us any question!

Will you kindly stop this and

leave our customers alone?

We - will - stop - a -

MANAGER: Okay, - session...

You! You both are

banned. For life.

What?

But I like this place.

[CAMERA SHUTTERS]

Hey, listen up!

If you see these two very bad

men here, don't serve them.

They're going up on the wall.

Wait, no, this is my

favorite coffee shop.

You go on the wall of shame.

[CAMERA SHUTTERS] -

Shame on you, sirs.

Now out.

Out! Get out!

Come on, Greg.

[SIGHING]

I am so sorry

you got banned from your

favorite coffee shop, Greg.

Me, too.

I gotta go.

Oh, okay. Later?

[MUSIC]

[PHONE RINGING]

[SIGHS]

Hello.

Hey, what's up?

Nothing. What's up?

Are you a Christian?

Uh, yeah.

What are you doing Sunday?

You wanna go to church with me?

I'm not that into going

to churches right now.

It's a really good one.

[SIGHING] Uh... Hey,

there's girls there too.

And there's someone I

wanna introduce you to.

All right. I, uh,

I guess I could go.

And don't forget your Bible.

Okay.

And you can drive me, right?

So did you bring your Bible?

Oh, I forgot.

What? Well, you can borrow mine.

Thanks.

[LAUGHS]

PASTOR: Those who know me

know I love two things.

I love the Dodgers... [CHEERING]

All right, now.

And I love our

Lord Jesus Christ.

Now yes, I was at the

game last night...

and I get hyped up, man!

When Justin Turner hit that

home run. Wow! I went crazy.

But that's how we

should feel about Jesus

and the Bible, which are

100% true, literally.

PASTOR: All of it.

It's God's truth.

Now what does it teach us?

NAUBERGER: So what'd you think?

Pretty good.

I want you to meet some people.

Follow me.

Hi.

Here's my friend, Greg.

Hi, I'm Greg.

Hi.

This is my friend Greg.

Hey, nice to meet you.

[LAUGHS]

Hi!

Here's my friend, Greg.

Hey, how's it going?

Good.

Hey, you want something

from the snack table?

How about a cookie?

Um...

yeah, actually I, um, I'm kind

of vegan. I don't really...

You're a vegetable?

[GASPS]

No.

[LAUGHS]

Um, it's over here.

Okay.

Uh-hoh!

They don't have any bananas.

- Oh.

- Wait right here,

I want to, uh, introduce

you to somebody.

Okay.

Greg, this is Lacey.

Hi, I'm Greg.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Um, you've been coming

here a long time?

Yeah, about a year.

Okay, nice. Um,

first time for me.

So... are you from

LA originally?

Uh, from Long Beach originally.

Okay, um, nice. I'm

from New Jersey.

- Oh, nice.

- Yeah. Um, what do you do?

Well, I work in HR

at Logos Logistics.

Uh, one of those

companies down there.

- Oh!

- Culver City.

Oh, Culver, okay. Yeah. Nice.

What do you do?

Um, I am a student.

Uh, I'm a, I study psychology.

Oh, nice.

Well, uh, it was

nice meeting you.

You too.

[LAUGHS]

[CONGREGATION CHATTERS]

Did you get her number?

Uh... no.

I don't even know

what she looks like.

Yo, I'm tryin' to

hook you up, dawg.

Ah, no, I'm not

even really looking

for a girlfriend right now.

Oh, okay. Well we can go.

Well... thanks for the invite.

Oh, no problem.

Um, wanna go grab lunch?

I can't, uh, I've a

lot of chores to do,

- Oh.

- Laundry.

But, uh, I need help.

Maybe we can do a quick session

or I can psychoanalyze

you if you want.

Um... how about this?

Here's some homework

for you, for next time.

You can choose five

people who inspire you

and make a board, like a collage

and just choose five inspiring

people from the area of work,

family, creativity,

leadership and spirituality.

- Hm.

- Yeah?

Cool.

Well, do you live...

Are you getting out?

Oh yeah. Right. Yeah.

[LAUGHING] - Okay.

- Okay.

- Uh, later.

- Yeah. See you.

- Bye, bye.

[MUSIC]

[GLASS CRACKING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[SIGHS]

Hello?

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, not much. What's going on?

Ah, you busy Saturday?

'Cause there's an improv group

event in the park. It's free.

You wanna go?

[INHALES]

TEACHER: So the first partner

starts the scene with an action

and then the second partner

tries to discern what

that action is and

then joins with a line.

Okay? So, who's up?

- Oh, me! Me! Pick me!

- Anyone at all?

- Come on, Greg.

- Ah, okay.

Come on!

Okay, so just, uh,

start the scene.

Calm, calm.

Take your fists,

squeeze, release.

Curl your toes, and release.

Now you're back in my office...

in the safety of my office.

So you lie down, lie

down, lie down, down,

lie down, down, down, down.

Okay. So tell me,

how was your week?

Any highs? Any lows?

TEACHER: Great. Uh, I'm

gonna stop you right there.

So we really want to try and

determine what the action is.

So... what about

what he was doing

suggested therapy session?

Well, it's obvious he was

having a psychotic episode

'cause when someone

does something like this

they're having anxiety

and they need help,

so I can help him.

Okay. Yeah. I, I see that.

Why don't we try

swapping places?

Okay.

And Holm, you can start the,

you start the action this time

- and then Greg, you

join in - Uh-huh.

[EXHALES]

with a line...

Okay. That's... you're

not doing an action, Holm.

That's, you're making

him lie down. Okay.

I guess we're just

gonna do this scene.

Well, that was interesting.

Yeah. I find it a little weird

that they wouldn't let me do

the scene that I wanted to do.

Well, you can't really force

a scene in improv, you know?

Well, I guess.

GREG: You want to

try this place?

NAUBERGER: Oh, no,

it looks too crowded.

How about the counter?

No, I just had

In-N-Out the other day.

Oh, you know, I'm

thinking, I'm probably

gonna move to New Jersey soon.

What? Uh, won't you miss LA?

Maybe a little.

Well then, why would you move?

Uh, just to be closer

to family. And,

all my classes are

online now, so... yeah.

It's better.

You'll be close to New York.

Pretty close.

I'll visit you, right?

Ah-hm... yeah, you could visit.

You know, 'cause I used

to have some friends

and then they weren't. I

had a, a friend, he moved

to New York and then I

never heard from him again.

- Oh, that sucks.

- Yeah.

Yeah. People can be

kind of flaky sometimes.

Mm-hm.

Well, do you wanna

just walk around

and maybe we'll find a place?

Okay.

[NAUBERGER HUMMING]

Whoa! Stop the car.

The bakery, the bake shop!

I'm not stopping the car.

No, they have really

good stuff there.

[CHEERING]

Woo hoo! Par-tay!

Looks fun, looks like

my kind of scene!

[LAUGHING]

All right, well that was

fun. Thanks for the invite.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Uh, tomorrow I'm writing...

and, oh, I have a session

with my therapist.

Wait, what?

Yeah, my therapist.

I, I have a session.

Why?

[LAUGHING]

Well, you know, even

therapists have therapists.

Oh... yeah. Later.

[DOOR OPENING]

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

You seem uneasy.

Really?

Yes. I'm noticing a tick.

I'm going to tell you this

only so you're aware of it.

You're scratching the

back of your head.

Oh, well maybe it's

because you were late.

[SIGHS]

I do apologize for that.

Perhaps one of our

calming techniques can

put you more at ease.

Okay. Um, yeah... How

about the, the list...

maybe the listing

of the five senses?

Okay. If that's what

you choose to do.

Okay.

[INHALES] Okay.

Things I can smell...

[SNIFFING]

Um... the musty smell

of the old room. Uh...

dust, maybe.

Uh...

things I can see...

a chair,

a plant, Dr. Nauberger?

What's up?

[MUSIC]

W-what are you doing here?

Well, I just wanted

to see a therapy

session. A real one.

Hi, I'm Dr. Nauberger,

at your service.

Dr. Nauberger?

[LAUGHING]

This is the guy I was

telling you about.

Oh.

Dr. Nauberger at your service.

Dr. Nauberger, this is a

confidential therapy session.

Oh, but it's only for

educational purposes,

so it is okay.

If you would please

leave us now,

so Greg and I can resume.

But I'm Greg's therapy patient,

and therefore we have

doctor client privileges

and it's okay.

I'm very confused.

Yeah, me too. Why

you being mean?

[DOOR OPENING]

[DOOR SLAMMING]

Look, that was weird, Holm.

You can't just

follow people around

and spy on them like that.

Yeah, but I just didn't

want to feel left out.

No spying!

Okay. You wanna go to lunch?

No. I, I gotta go.

See ya.

[POLICE SIREN]

[BOTTLE ROLLING]

[DISTANT SHOUTING]

[DOG BARKING]

[GRUNTING]

Brian?

Doctor...

Dr. Nauberger?

Yeah.

Dr. Nauberger!

[LAUGHS] I've been

looking for you.

I've been to every dumpster.

I found my id.

[WHIMPERING]

I found my id!

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Look at me, Dr. Nauberger!

Look what you've done!

The Groupon!

[CAR HONKING]

- Look where it's gotten me!

- [DUMP TRUCK EXHAUST]

[ELECTRICAL BUZZ]

[EXHALES]

[PHONE RINGING]

GREG: Hey, it's Greg.

Leave a message,

and I'll get right back to you.

[BEEPS]

Hi Greg, i-it's Holm. Call me.

[DEEP EXHALE]

[MUSIC]

[WIND BLOWING]

[MUSIC]

[AIRPLANE ENGINE HUMS]

[MUSIC]

[PHONE BEEPING]

WOMAN: We're sorry. You

have reached a number

that has been disconnected

or is no longer in service.

[SIGHS]

[HEARTSTONE CLINKS]

[SIGHING]

Gah!

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES]

Ah!

Come on!

Were's my tent?

God, can Greg be my friend?

Please?

Please, let Greg be my friend.

Please.

[MUSIC]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[KNOCKING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Dad?

- Hi Allie.

What's up?

Well, I kind of

moved out of my place

and I was wondering if I could

take you up on your offer.

I, I kind of need

a place to stay.

I have a job lined up.

I can do psychiatry on the side

and I'm gonna go

to school for it.

But I thought you said

having a license was dumb.

Well it is kind of dumb,

but I'll put up with it.

[LAUGHS]

[MUSIC]

Let me show you your room.

What a beautiful

place you have here.

Here it is.

Wow.

You're probably gonna

need another pillow.

Maybe an extra blanket. Hold on.

[PHONE PINGS]

[MUSIC]

[SIGHS]

[TYPING]

[PHONE PINGS]

[SIGHING]

GREG: Hello?

What's up?

Hey, not much.

Just um, reading the

paper. Eating breakfast.

You changed your number.

Yeah, I've, uh, kind of

been getting a lot of

spam calls recently.

Where are you?

I'm in New Jersey.

Who's your governor?

I don't know, uh,

Murphy, something.

Governor Eddie Murphy?

[LAUGHING] No.

You know I'm joking, right?

Yeah.

Guess where I am?

I don't know, where?

Come on, guess!

You're at the... park?

Can you hear that? I...

see... animals, and...

Uh, you're at the zoo!

No. I see, ah, big

animals with whiskers.

They're big and fat and wet

and they're by the water.

- Oh, the beach?

- Yes!

Ah, yeah, I think I know

where that beach is.

Hm. So when are you

gonna move back to LA?

Um...

I don't know. I, I don't think

anytime soon or anything.

Oh.

Tell me a joke.

It's a little early in the

morning for me to think of one.

Okay, I'll tell you one.

There was this guy and

this chicken and a duck

or maybe it was a

fowl, and, um...

GREG: Oh yeah, right, the foul.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

So there was a fowl

and a guy and everybody

and they wanted to

cross the road, but why?

Well, to go into the bar.

So they go into the bar

and of course there

was a priest there

and the bartender says to

the horse, why the long face?

You get it?

- Nice. Yeah.

- But did you get it?

Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's

pretty funny actually.

Alright. 'Kay.

So is there anything

you want to say to me

before we say goodbye?

No, I think that's it.

Okay.

Well, you're a good guy, Greg.

Thanks. You too.

Listen, if you ever

get bored, call me.

Okay.

Later.

Later.

[EXHALES]

[MUSIC]

Greg! What are you

doing down there?

Dr. Nauberger?

What's up!

Wha-what is this? Rolls-Royce?

Yeah! Well, what were

you expecting? A Ferrari?

[CLICKS TONGUE]

And how?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

But... uh... Let's just

call it the power of now.

Come on, get in!

Ah, come on, you trickster!

Feeling

it's never going up again

Like piloting

without a wing

I twist this up

inside my head

I turn it off

won't let you in

So let's pretend

we know the end

Then you

pull me through

And it feels new

To be with you

To be with you

To be with you

I can't

let it all break down again

Fast-forward it

to see the end

Trying hard to let you in

And replay

everything you said

Can we pretend

we're over this

Then you

pull me through

And it feels new

I'll stay

and throw away

Everything I knew

To be with you

To be with you

To be with you

To be with you

To be with you

To be with you

To be with you

Then you

pull me through

And it feels new

I'll stay

and throw away

Everything I knew

To be with you