01x14 - Ready Player Wand

[bunniefuu]

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music concludes]

Good morning, family.

Hey, you know what I was thinking?

It has been a while since we've had

a Russo family game night, right?

All of us sitting around a table talking,
snacking, connecting.

Just us, no phones.
Doesn't that sound like fun?

-What?
-Huh?

-Hmm?
-Did somebody say something?

All right, let's try this another way.

-[cell phone chimes]
-Mm!

I just got an invite from your dad

for a family game night.

Well, why didn't he just come in here
and ask us?

You know Dad, always on his phone.

-[clears throat]
-[gasps] Oh! [chuckles]

Oh, Justin, when'd you get here?

Uh, I've been here talking to you.

Guys, this is why we need
a family game night.

Dad, I think it's a great idea.
No, stupendous.

No, extraordinary, which has an X in it,

making it worth 36 Scramble points.
[chuckles]

If we were playing Scramble.

Hey, guys, I have an idea. We should play
Scramble.

-Oh, boy. Here we go. [chuckles]
-What?

Well, every time we have a Russo family
game night,

-Roman always has to win.
-It's annoying.

I don't have to win. I just do win.

You're right. That is annoying.

You guys, this is gonna be so much fun.

We haven't had a family game night

since… since Billie got here.

Yeah, she deserves the chance
to lose to the Game Master.

Just like the rest of you.

Also, he calls himself the "Game Master."

Yeah, I got that.

Well, I think game night sounds like
a great idea.

Then it's settled.
Tonight, after dinner, we game.

Oh, and could all of you
accept my calendar invite?

Having it hang out there like that,

it just makes me feel like

I'm living in a world of burning chaos.

So, uh, yeah, whenever you get the chance.

[♪ theme song playing]

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want ♪

♪ By the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

-♪ What it seems ♪
-[♪ theme song concludes]

[sighs] Thanks for helping me

pick a board game for game night, Winter.

No problem. I've been to a lot of
Russo family game nights.

Mr. Russo and I
have this little dance we do

where he hints that it's time for me
to go home,

and I pretend to have water in my ears.

Works every time.

So, should we play Licorice Land?

No, thanks.
Last time Roman won Licorice Land,

he told us to "Chocolate Chew on that."

What about Battle Boats?

Nope. Last time Roman won Battle Boats,

he told us to "Chocolate Chew on that."

-But it's a game about boats.
-That's what I told him.

And he told me to
"Chocolate Chew on that."

Okay. I get it. [sighs]
Well, I am not losing to him

at my first-ever family game night.

But he's won all these games.

Then we'll just have to find a game
he hasn't won.

One he's never even heard of.
A wizard game.

Billie, magic can't solve every problem.

I know, I know. But it can solve this one,
so, to the lair!

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[Rodney] Thank you for calling Staten
Island Telecom.

This is Rodney How may I help you?

Oh, finally. Our Wi-Fi is down,

and the only thing we have downloaded

the Super Giuseppe Brothers movie.

And I cannot watch that again. [sighs]

[Roman] Mom, help! It's an emergency!

[hesitates] Rodney, I'll be right back.

What? What's wrong?

Oh, hey, have you seen
my Game Master robe?

That's why you screamed for me?

I thought there was an emergency.

There is. It's game night,

and I can't find my Game Master robe.

Well, where did you put it
the last time you wore it?

I hung it up right-- Oh! Here it is.
Thanks, Mom.

Rodney, are you still there?

[Rodney] Yes, until they fire me.

Now, let's get that Wi-Fi up and running.

-[chuckles]
-[Roman] Mom, help,

-it's an emergency!
-It's not an emergency.

[chuckles] Unless it is. Dang it!

Rodney, don't hang up! What is it now?

I was putting on my Game Master robe

and there was a spider on it.

Roman, I'm kind of busy right now.

Too busy to save your firstborn
from imminent death?

"Imminent death?" [scoffs] Really?

You have got to get over
this spider-phobia.

Mom, okay, you know me.
I crave constructive criticism…

Not true.

…but right now,
I just need you to find that spider.

Okay, well, I-- I don't see him, okay?

So, he's probably gone.
You can come down from there.

All right, but if we don't find it,

I'm gonna need you to put me up
in a hotel tonight.

Three stars or better, with a pool.

Rodney, sorry about that.

[automated voice] You have been placed
in the queue.

There are currently 400 customers
ahead of you.

Four hundred customers? [groans]

Spider, if you're still in here,
Roman sleeps on the bottom bunk!

[♪ ominous instrumental music playing]

Man, I'll never get used
to walking through a mirror.

What a rush.

Okay, all we need to do is find
the perfect wizard game

for family game night.

[gasps] Ooh, I know what this is.

I've been taking a deep dive
on all things wizard.

-This is the Sphere of Allygog.
-No, that's just a crystal ball.

Oh, okay.
This is the mythical creature Mandoof,

whose hundreds of eyes can see
into every dimension.

No, that's just a jar of eyeballs.

Every lair's got them.

You know, they're an ingredient in spells,
soups, and stews.

[gasps] Well, I know exactly what this is.

-It's a wizard game.
-Well, you got that one right.

I know. It says right here on the box.

Mystery Mansion, A Wizard Game.

This is exactly what I was looking for.

-Have you played it?
-No, but neither has Roman,

so, this is exactly what I was
looking for.

[off-key clarinet playing]

-Milo, what are you doing?
-They're making us learn

an instrument in music class this year,

and apparently this is an instrument.

-Not the way you play it.
-Nice!

What were you guys doing in the lair?

Finding a game Roman has never played.

Let's set it up.

Winter, you read the instructions.

Huh. Ooh. [gasps] Ooh, that's fun!

Winter, read them out loud.

Right. It looks like everyone
picks a character.

You can be the Adventurer, the Movie Star,

the Mad Scientist, the Wrestler,

the Cheerleader, or the Detective.

Can I be this guy?

-Those are the dice.
-Sweet! I'm the dice.

Everybody's trapped in a mansion,

and you have to solve a mystery to get
out.

This game doesn't seem all that wizardy.

It will when a wizard wins it.

Say hello to your new Game Master.

Guys, guys, guys!
There's something on my back!

It's my Game Master robe.

So, what game am I winning tonight?

-Snacky Snacky Snakes?
-Yeah, right. What are we, ten?

Some of us are.

Hey, Mrs. Russo, what character do you
wanna be?

Whichever one has working Wi-Fi.

[gasps] Finally, you're home!
Let's get this game night going.

Oh, guys, I am so sorry. [stammers]

I'm gonna need a minute.
I got a ton of work to do.

Marcus was supposed to make
the school calendar,

but he made the wrong month.

-What month did he do?
-Novembuary?

You guys start.
I'll be there as soon as I can.

Well, I guess we can pick the characters.

Spider!

Spider's not one of the characters.

Don't even think about being the dice.

No, the spider, he followed me.

How am I gonna beat him if he's not here?

This game night's not happening.

[♪ dramatic instrumental music playing]

What just happened?
Is this our living room?

Why am I in spandex?

Ooh, I'm not mad at it.

That's why it's a wizard game.
We're in Mystery Mansion.

Where's Roman?

[Roman] Guys, something amazing happened!

I have a beard.

And possibly chest hair,
although I haven't checked yet.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

Billie, what did you do?

I just wanted to find a game
Roman hadn't played before.

But… [stammers] …this is Mystery Mansion.

It's a wizard game.

What did you think was going to happen?

I beat Roman, he "Chocolate Chews" on it.

We all have a laugh.

I don't know, something like that.

[scoffs] I was fifth in the queue.

I'm gonna have to start all over again.

I have a ton of work to do.

I was supposed to learn "Hot Cross Buns"

on my clarinet, so, actually,
I'm cool with this.

It says here the game ends

when somebody solves the mystery.

Oh! So, all we have to do
is solve the mystery

and we'll get out.

Come on, we got this. Let's go, team!

Wow, I never thought of myself
as a cheerleader,

but I'm nailing this.

Oh, we're all characters.
You're the cheerleader.

-I'm the movie star.
-So, who am I supposed to be?

You're the mad scientist.

You're darn right I'm mad.
I was supposed to be the dice.

Roman's the adventurer,
and Mr. Russo's the wrestler,

which must make me the detective.

[gasps] Hey, look,
I just solved my first case.

Okay.

According to this,
"Every room has a puzzle.

Solve the puzzle
and you find part of a riddle.

Solve the riddle and you win."
I mean, that does sound fun.

Everybody relax. The Game Master's here.

I'll have us out of this in no time.

Check out these pictures of playing cards.
Huh? See?

One of them is blank.

What are you doing?

Stroking my beard to help me think.

-Is it working?
-No, not really.

Oh! I got it. Each row is a poker hand.

Top row is a straight shot down Broadway.

Middle row is a full boat,
ladies over deuces.

I didn't know you played poker.

Neither did the frat boys
I hustled in college,

which is why I have no student debt.

The bottom row would be a royal flush,

but the king's missing.

So, we need to find a king.

[gasps] A chessboard has a king!

Found it! Game Master!

You have to win to be Game Master.

Well, then, remember this moment
when I win.

Game Master!

"F + Ham." The first part of the riddle.

The kitchen door just opened by itself.
I bet the next pa--

Part of the riddle is in there.
I said it first. Game Master!

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

All right, Russo family…

-[clears throat]
-…and Winter.

Second part of the riddle's
gotta be in here somewhere.

Who put you in charge?

I'm Game Master,
I'm supposed to be in charge.

Mom, Billie won't stop saying
she's the Game Master.

Okay. Nobody's the Game Master.

-Not yet.
-Mom!

All right, enough!

I'm splitting you guys up. [hesitates]

Winter, Roman, Milo,
you go upstairs and search.

Billie, you're staying down here with us.

But if we split up,
I can't make fun of Roman.

Yeah, that's why I'm splitting you up.

Okay, everybody start looking for clues.
[sighs] Oh.

Ooh! I can't get this drawer open.

Let me try.

J-Man bringing the pain.

[grunts, groans]

Oh, J-Man should have stretched
before doing that.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

Whoa! I think the game made our room
into a music room.

-What was your first clue?
-The piano.

I was being sarcastic.

And I was ignoring it
because I'm the better person.

I guess we're looking for a clue

that has something to do with music.

My gametuition, that's what
we Game Masters call intuition--

Yes, I got it. I figured it out
with my regular intuition.

As I was saying, my gametuition tells me

we should check these music books.

[♪ magical chiming]

-Guys?
-This one's blank.

All of them are.
The blank pages must mean something.

Is it a red herring? A metaphor?

-Guys?
-[Winter gasps]

Maybe the game is trying to tell us
to write our own song.

Quick, what rhymes with

"Living in my older sister's shadow?"

Winter, I'm an adventurer,
not a therapist.

Guys, the game is trying to tell us

that the song is inside the piano.

Check it out. "E-D-C."

-I think they're musical notes.
-Not just any notes.

That's the melody of "Hot Cross Buns."

I'd bet my life on it. Clarinet me.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

We've looked everywhere.

Yeah, but maybe all these mice
mean something.

What do we know about mice?

-They squeak.
-They like cheese.

-Ha! They like cheese.
-I just said that.

Yeah, but that's all I know about mice.

They live in holes. This must be it.

That wasn't there before.

[scoffs] It better not have been

or else I'm going to that hotel
with Roman.

[chuckles] I found it.

Did you hear that, Roman? I found it.

Ooh! Needles knitting a sweater.

The other card had an F, a plus sign,

and a picture of a ham on it.

I got it. "F plus ham needle!"

Sorry, I thought if I said it
with confidence

it would come to me, but it did not.

I don't think any of this
is gonna make sense

-until we have all the clues.
-So, where to now?

[all gasp]

I think the game wants us to go--

That way. It wants us to go that way.
Solved it.

She didn't even let me finish my…

Quit yapping, Russo,
and follow that cheerleader.

…sentence.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[gasps] We have a greenhouse now.

I can finally grow orchids when it's cold.

Guys, focus. We need to look for clues.

Yeah, okay, sorry.
Sorry, it's just I got--

I got caught up in all the possibilities.

All right.

[Billie] Nothing. Nothing.

[grass rustling]

Did you hear something?

That was just my spandex rubbing together.

Could start a fire in these pants.

-[grass rustling]
-[gasps]

No. That.

-[screams]
-Giada! [screams]

Justin, no! [screams]

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

Okay, Milo, you got this.

-You're ready.
-He better be ready.

He's been licking his lips
for the last five minutes.

Okay, here I go.

[breathes deeply]

[plays instrument out of key]

I thought you knew how that thing works.

I do know how it works.

Mouth goes here
and the sound comes out here.

What happens in the middle is jazz, baby.

Let me try again.

[sneezes]

[plays instrument flawlessly]

-Milo, that was incredible!
-How did you do that?

I just sneezed into the clarinet
and that's what it sounded like.

Jazz, baby!

[gasps] The clue!

It's a picture of an eel, a plus sign,
and the letter E.

Give me that! I can't wait to see
the look on Billie's face

when she finds out I found the next clue!

Milo found it.

That is not how I'm gonna tell it.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

So, I take it the instructions
to Mystery Mansion

just didn't mention a giant spider.

They did not.

Roman saw a spider on the game board

right before we got sucked in here.

You know, maybe it got pulled in with us.

I'm just glad Roman's not here
to see this.

Here to see what?

Play it cool. Maybe he won't notice.

Why is that-- Why is that web so big?

It wasn't made by a giant spider.

That makes me think it was made
by a giant spider.

Roman, sweetie, there--
there was a giant spider,

but he's gone. He ran away. He's gone.

No, he's not. He's right there.

-[screeches]
-[screams] I'm out!

Okay, Winter, Milo, it's up to you

-to get us out of here.
-[webbing hissing]

[Milo] Yeah, that's gonna be
a little tough.

Okay. You know what?

This is okay. We still have Winter.

-[webbing hissing]
-[Winter] Yeah, not so much.

I can't believe
my first Russo family game night

is also gonna be my last.

[♪ ominous instrumental music playing]

-[exhales, whimpers]
-[spider screeches]

[spider screeches]

[group gasping]

[whimpers]

-[screeches]
-Roman?

I have never been this scared
in my entire life.

[♪ tense instrumental music playing]

Get everyone else out of the web.

I'm gonna jab this rake wildly
and hope I hit something.

Sweet, cut 'em loose with this axe.

-Not the axe.
-Ugh, fine.

[spider chittering]

-Hurry!
-Ew, ew. Ew, ew, ew!

-Guys, there's the clue!
-[gasps]

-That's the last one we need!
-Grab it!

Run! I'll take care of the spider.

Nope, nope, he's got the rake.
He's in charge.

[screeches]

We made it! Come on, come on!

[group panting]

Roman, you saved the day!

-[sighs] I'm so proud of you!
-Yeah, I was pretty brave.

-[screeches]
-[screams]

[screams] Billie, lock the door!

You don't think he knows I had my key
under the mat, do you?

[gasps] You don't think
he heard me say that, do you?

[spider screeches]

[groans] We need to solve the puzzle

-and get out of this game!
-Yeah, yeah.

Okay, everyone pull out your clues!

-What are they supposed to be?
-I think they make a rebus.

-What's a rebus?
-It's a puzzle with pictures.

Why don't you just say
"A puzzle with pictures?"

Pass up the chance to say "rebus"?
[chuckles] I think not.

He found my key!

We'll hold the door. You solve the puzzle.

[pants] Okay, these pictures
should spell out a phrase.

We just have to figure out the order.

-I got nothing.
-Me neither.

I'm not trying to add any pressure,
but hurry!

Wait, I know.
Each room had these same colors

-in the same order.
-[gasps] He's right.

The tea mugs, the music books,
the flowers.

-[Milo] Yeah.
-Oh! Nice catch, guys.

Red, blue, yellow, purple.

[grunts] There.

But we still don't know what it means.

We can't hold the door much longer.

-Clothes, knitting--
-Uh, close-knit!

F plus ham, eel plus E.

"Fam-eel-E?" Family? [gasps]

-Got it. "Close-knit family."
-[exclaims]

[♪ music concludes]

-[gasps] We did it!
-We're out of the game!

I'm finally out of that spandex.

[chuckles softly]

That was the craziest game night
we've ever had.

I don't know.

That Battle Boats tourney
of 2022 was pretty,

as we used to say in 2022, "Lit."

So, who won the game?

Well, Roman did save us from that spider.

Y-- Yeah, but Winter and Milo figured out

the order of the rebus.

Mom figured out the poker hand.

Oh, but Justin found the mouse hole.

-Billie solved the riddle.
-So, we all won?

How do we decide who the Game Master is?

[sighs] I guess we're just gonna
have to go off of, uh,

whoever's wearing the robe.

Oh, right. Game Master.
I forgot all about that.

You forgot? I thought beating Roman

was the whole point of this.

Yeah, but then I just started having fun

playing with you guys.

Maybe that's what
family game night's all about.

It is. It really is.

You know, I'm sorry I got you all
sucked into that game.

And, Justin, I hope you still have time
to get your work done.

I'll get it done.

Hey, family game night was worth it.

In fact, you know what? New rule.

From here on out, every Friday
is a Russo family game night.

I'm gonna calendar it.

Ooh, what's up with the Wi-Fi?

Dang it! I forgot about the Wi-Fi! [gasps]

I probably lost my place in line!

[automated voice]
Your call will be answered next.

Oh, yes! Best game night ever!
Hi! Yes, I'm here!

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ clarinet music playing]

Okay, everybody.
The game's Staten Island Stud.

Rockets and deuces are wild.

Low spade in the hole gets half the pot.

-Five pretzel buy-in.
-Too rich for my blood.

Billie, come on.

Just let me borrow a couple of pretzels,

just a few sticks
to get me back in the game.

You know I'm good for it.

Ah, forget it, kid, you're in too deep.

Guys, I just went to PriceCo.
We have plenty of pretzels.

When did Milo get so good at the clarinet?

Oh. Watch this. Hey, Milo.

You're doing great.

-[♪ music stops]
-Thanks, Mom.

-That makes a lot more sense.
-[♪ music continues]

Milo, what are you doing?

-Jazz, baby.
-[♪ music concludes]

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]