01x19 - Raiders of the Locked Archive

[bunniefuu]

[♪ upbeat rock music plays, fades]

I gotta figure out what
this amulet is.

Stone of Scorpion Tongue?

No, that's blue.

[gasps] Jewel of the Forgotten?

No, that's more spiky.

Sacred Salt of the Yafoo.

Not salty.

Kinda sweet. Not bad, actually.

Where did you get candy?

Did you go into the sneakers
in the back of my closet?

That's where you hide
your candy?

Well, not anymore.

Guys, it's not candy.

Wait, that was the amulet
from your birthday quest.

-No, it wasn't.
-Then it was candy.

I thought you left
that in the cave.

There was candy in that cave?

Milo, there's no candy.

It's the amulet that Dad
told her to leave behind.

Guys, I couldn't
just leave it there.

Somebody wanted me
to find it,

and I've been trying
to figure out why,

but I don't even know
what it is.

Does my dad know
you're hiding a mystical,

glowing, potentially dangerous
wizard artifact?

What am I saying? It's you.
Of course he doesn't know.

Just please don't say anything
until I can figure all this out.

We won't. But no more secrets
from us, okay?

-Deal.
-Since we're all coming clean,

we got a serious ant problem
in the closet.

Probably because
of my shoe candy.

I just put that together.

[♪ theme song playing]

♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have
what you want ♪

♪ By the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes because ♪

♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

-♪ What it seems ♪
-[♪ theme song concludes]

So can somebody
turn on the TV?

Oh, I thought you had
the remote.

-I thought Roman had it.
-I don't have it. Milo has it.

-I don't have it.
-So no one has the remote?

You know, we've been sitting here
for five minutes.

Okay, yeah, it's got to be
around here somewhere.

[voice from TV]
Oh, it's right there under the couch.

Thanks. Whoa, did our TV
just tell us

where the remote is?
That is a smart TV.

Minister McFigglehorn,
what are you doing in our TV?

It is my honor to inform you
that we are

officially considering you,
Justin Russo,

for the open seat
on the Wizard Tribunal,

left by Alistair Goodspeed.

-[gasps]
-Oh, that Alistair guy was the worst.

How do you know Alistair?

-How do I know Alistair?
-You don't.

That's right, I don't.

Sorry to interrupt. Mr. Russo,
you must come at once

to the Tribunal Tower.

Also, there's a lot of change
under your couch

in case you were looking
for that, too.

Dibs!

This is incredible.

I've always dreamt
of being on the Wizard Tribunal.

Oh! We've got to get you
to the Wizard World.

You could wear that tie
we made you for Father's Day.

Yeah! [chuckles]
Or one that isn't laminated.

-Billie, the Amulet!
-[gasps]

Why was it glowing?

I don't know.
It's never done that before.

I think it happened
when Giada said Wizard World.

Maybe it wants me
to go with him.

Okay, okay,
you made your point.

Hey, Justin.
How about I go with you?

You know, to support you.

If she gets to go, I get to go.

Sweet! House to myself.

Well, why don't we all go
support you?

Sweet! Going to support Dad.

Yeah, you know what,
this would be great,

having the whole family there
on the biggest day of my life.

Well, I mean, second biggest,
you know, after our wedding.

[chuckles] I mean,
third biggest

after the birth of my son.
[chuckles] I mean, fourth.

Honey, we get it.

I, for one, would like to hear
the man finish that sentence.

[hesitates] No time,
to the Tribunal!

[♪ mystical music playing]

Wow. The Tribunal Tower.

You can practically smell
the history.

[sniffs] Is that what that is?
It smells like the old shoe

full of candy
at the back of Milo's closet.

Does everyone know
about my shoe candy?

Yes.

Where's Roman?

Sorry, I got held up
with the Hex-ray machine.

Apparently, somebody
put six hexes on me.

Security's slacking.
I put seven on you.

Okay, so we're here. Now what?

[sighs] Hm... Let's see.

[gasps] Tribunal chamber...
Cafeteria... Archive.

[gasps] I think the amulet
wants us to go to the archive.

But how are we gonna
get away from Justin?

Look, Billie, they're giving
a historical tour

of the Tribunal Tower.
That sounds fun.

No, it doesn't.

Yes, it does.

I mean, history, fun.

Hey, Dad, can Billie, Milo and I
go on the history tour?

Why am I being punished?

I mean, yeah, uh, no,
that's what I meant.

You want to go on a tour?

[gasps] I knew bringing
the three of you here

would spark a joy
for the government engine.

Yeah, that's it,
government engine. So can we go?

Well, don't be gone too long
or you'll miss seeing

Justin appointed
to the Tribunal.

Yup, that's why we're here.
[chuckles] No other reason.

Now we just have to find
the right moment

to sneak off to the Archive.

Did you know
that Gandrick Bellfry

introduced Amendment 32124
in this very hall?

That's how wizards
got Forever Stamps!

Roman, you're really
selling this cover.

Right, the cover.

That's why I'm listening
to this,

not because it's fascinating.

This is definitely where
the amulet wants us to go.

Hey, guys, if you don't need me
for this,

the tour's headed
to the Hall of Feathered Pens,

and you know how I love
a good quill, so...

This doesn't look like
an arcade.

I said we're going
to the Archive.

It's where they keep
historical artifacts.

Why'd I think we were going
to the arcade?

Because you only hear
what you want to hear.

That does sound like me.

Guess I don't need
all these quarters. Aw, man!

Hey! The Archive is off limits.

No one has ever entered
without permission,

and I will see that
no one ever does.

Thanks for letting us know
we'll be on our way.

What are you doing?

I can't leave until I get
answers about my amulet.

I don't know, Billie.

The guy with the spear really seems like
he wants us to leave.

-He's just trying to scare you.
-Yeah, and it's working.

[♪ mystical music playing]

There's got to be a clue
about this amulet in the Archive.

But we can't look around
with that guard here.

Want me to ask him to leave?

That's a great plan, Milo.

-Are you joking?
-No.

Oh. Because I was.

I have an idea. Grow-us Milo-us!

I told you kids to get out
of here.

What kids? I, sir, am a man.
Can't you see my man body?

You must be new. I'm Gardor.

I'm Milo...dor. Milodor.
And I'm tall.

Like, able to ride all the rides
at the amusement park tall.

What brings you to the archive,
Milodor?

Uh, that's a great question.

Just get him to leave.

I'm here to get you to leave.

Like a break?

If it means you're going
to leave, sure.

[laughs] I can't believe it.

I haven't had a break
in over a hundred years.

Go, take a break.
I'll just be here doing

tall guy stuff.

You know,
dusting the ceiling fan

without using a step stool,
changing the batteries

from the smoke detector.
Tall guy stuff.

It is great to be tall,
isn't it?

But listen, you can't let
anyone in here.

Anyone tries to sneak in,
you destroy them.

With my man hands?

[laughs] With anything you got.

I'm using my man hands.

Great work, Milo.
Time to get some answers.

Remember all those times

you made fun of me
for being shorter than you?

Yeah?

So do I.

Uh... Billie?

Aw! I got boy hands again.

Mr. Russo, welcome.

Minister McFigglehorn.
This is my lovely wife, Giada.

She's here for, uh,
emotional support.

Not that I need
emotional support.

[chuckles] Or that there's
anything wrong

with admitting that one
needs emotional support,

-'cause sometimes...
-It's nice to meet you.

[chuckles] Uh, by the way,
how often are you in our TV?

Not that often.

Oh, I was kind of hoping
you'd say never.

[hesitates]
So, how does this work?

Do I, uh, take an oath
or give a speech

or fill out paperwork?

We'll get to that. Maybe.

Maybe?

You see, when we announced
you're a candidate

for the Tribunal,
a couple of citizens

volunteered to speak
about what kind of man you are.

One of them isn't Alex, is it?

Oh, no, your sister
is away on a mission.

These character witnesses
are right over there.

Remember us, Russo?

Isn't that the gnome
you tricked

so you could get
Milo's body back?

And that's the centaur
that I tipped over on boys' night.

[chuckles awkwardly]
Now I wish it was Alex.

[chuckles]

Good luck, Mr. Russo.

I can't think of any reason
why you won't get this job.

[laughs]

I can think of two.

There's got to be something
in here about the amulet.

This place is filled with stuff,

and we don't even know
what we're looking for.

[gasps] I think
the amulet knows.

Let's try this way.

[sighs] Nope, not this way.

[amulet chimes]

-[sighs] Not this way either.
-[amulet chimes]

[gasps] I think it wants us
to go this way.

To find this.

A blank canvas.
I will never understand art.

Whoa, that girl
looks just like...

Me.

She even has the same amulet.

What do you think it means?

Maybe it doesn't mean anything.
Maybe it's just a coincidence.

Yeah, it's a total coincidence
that Billie's amulet

led us to a painting
of someone who looks like Billie

holding an amulet
that looks like Billie's amulet.

Total coincidence.

[gasps] Look,
there's something written on it.

[hesitates]
What language is that?

That's Ancient Elfish.
That's the language of elves.

You know, I took that class
at WizTech.

Great, so you can read it?

I said I took the class.

I didn't say I passed it

Giada, this is bad.

The centaur and the gnome,
they hate me.

They talk to the Tribunal,
there's no way

-I'm gonna get a spot.
-No. Relax, you've just got

to get them to like you.

Oh, you mean like turn on
the Russo charm.

[chuckles] Honey, you're cute.
I mean bribery.

What's one thing
garden gnomes can't resist?

Whoa! Is that Ficus for me?

It can be. Little gift.

My way of saying thank you
for not saying bad things

about Justin to the Tribunal.

You think you can buy me off
with a houseplant?

I knew this wouldn't work.

'Cause you can! I'm outta here.

Never doubted you for a second.

[munches]
I got to admit,

this is pretty nice.

Oh, well, you deserve it,
my friend.

And once again,
I sincerely apologize for,

you know, uh, tipping you over
in the wizard pasture.

That was pretty messed up.
Because of you, I had to see

a chiropractor
and a veterinarian.

Again, I am so...

-[munches]
-...so sorry.

All done. [giggles]

Thanks for giving me
the back end.

The front wasn't
so great either.

Wow, thanks.

You know, Justin,
maybe you're not such

a bad guy after all.

I'm gonna head home.

I wanna show off this tail
to a cute unicorn

who lives in my building.

[hooves clopping]

[chuckles] We did it!
We won them over

with nothing but our wits
and our Russo charm.

[chuckles]
Well, that and some--

Wits and Russo charm.

Oh, man, now nothing's
standing in my way

of getting on that Tribunal.

Let's go. Come on.

Oh! Oh, sorry, sir.
I didn't see you there. Oh, no!

Well, well, well, if it isn't
the jerk bag

from the wizard market.

Any chance you're not here
to speak to the Tribunal?

[chuckles] You wish.

Actually, I do.

If none of us speak
Ancient Elfish,

how are we gonna figure out
what this says about the painting?

I know! We go to a cemetery,
dig up an ancient elf,

Billie brings him back to life,
and he translates it for us.

I can't bring things back
to life.

You can't? I gotta start
being more careful.

Look, I'll just use
a translation spell.

There's no time to learn
an ancient tongue,

translate this phrase
while we're still young.

What's it say?

"As... the... prophecy..."

Prophecy about what?
Can't this thing go any faster?

Bet you wish
you dug up that elf.

"As the prophecy foretells,
wand in hand..."

-[Gardor] Milodor!
-[gasps]

Where are you?

We gotta get out of here.

We can't.
It's not done translating.

I brought you a latte.

What are-- Milo!
What are you doing?

I've always wanted to try
a latte.

Milodor!
I hope you didn't trick me.

That would make me so mad!

Oh, great! We just made Gardor
so mad,

and he was kind of unhinged
to begin with.

Come on and go faster!

Billie, you stay here.
We'll distract him.

With what? "The Russo charm"?
That only works for Dad!

Just come on.

"As the prophecy foretells,
wand in hand,

a powerful girl..." [gasps]

"A powerful girl"?
I like the sound of that.

What was that?

"She's the one..."
[chuckles] I'm the one!

The one what?

Where'd he go?

Maybe he left.

Gotcha!

Nope, still here.

I think we got off
on the wrong eye.

On the wrong eye--
on the wrong eye--

on the wrong eye-- eye--
eye-- eye-- eye-- eye--

It's okay, I have another one.
I have another

eye-- eye-- eye-- eye-- eye--

That was highly inappropriate,
but very catchy.

Do you have any idea
how humiliating it is

to have a meme about you
go viral?

I'm starting to, yes.

Now you know what kind
of man Justin Russo is.

But-- Um-- A meme?
[stammers] Is that all you got?

Please! Okay, my husband
will not be taken down by a meme.

Wait, I know that voice.

You're the troll
from the wizard market.

Yeah, well, obviously
I'm not really a troll.

I was just pretending to be one
so Justin could fool you.

-[gasps]
-[all gasp]

[sing songy] Giada, not helping.

Milodor, why are you so tiny?
[gasps] You tricked me.

-I can explain.
-I'm listening.

I tricked you.

That's your explanation?

I don't want to trick him again.

You guys are going
to pay for this.

-Hey!
-[gasps]

Over here, you big oaf.

You take that back.
My mother was an oaf.

Glue-oh shoe-oh.

[grunts]
What the? [pants] I can't move.

Let's go.

[strains, groans]

Wait, what are you doing?

Look, I need to see
what this says.

[sighs]
"As the prophecy foretells,

wand in hand, a powerful girl,
she is the one who will..."

[Milo] Billie?

-Come on, who will what?
-[Roman] Uh, Billie?

Hang on, guys, it's almost done.

Oh, we're done, all right.

I'm banishing you
to the Realm of No Return!

Don't worry, I got it.

Okay, he's got it.

[screeching]

Man, I can't believe
I'll never know

what that prophecy
says about me.

I'm just gonna go ahead
and assume it says

you get banished
to the Realm of No Return.

You know,
based on our current situation.

Mr. Russo, do you have
anything you'd like to add?

For your sake,
I really hope you do.

[chuckles] Hey,
you still have a chance, okay?

These people have no idea
who you really are.

You have to show them.

You're right. [clears throat]

Esteemed members
of the Tribunal,

based on what you heard today,
I may not seem

like the ideal candidate,
but I...

[indistinct chatter]

Tour guide?

-But where are the kids?
-Mr. Russo?

Uh... Right. I assure you,
there's nothing more important

to me than standing right here.

Actually, I gotta go.

Well, that was
a real roller coaster.

It is now time to vote
on whether or not

we let Mr. Russo
into the Tribunal.

-[sighs]
-I know I've made up my mind.

Wait! You can't make
your decision yet.

Why not?

Because you don't know
who my husband really is.

And sure, he just ran off
without telling us

why he was leaving
or where he's going.

And yes, I am a mortal
with no real idea

of how I got here
or how I'll get back.

-Could you get to the point?
-[Giada sighs]

We only have this room
until four.

What I'm trying to say is,

Justin Russo is the best man
I know.

He leads with his heart.
And he always does what's right.

Whoa, whoa, stop!

[Giada] Justin always fights
for what he believes in.

[grunts]

[Giada] He bends over backwards
for the people he cares about.

He's a man of integrity
and does everything

by the book...

and he inspires
others to do the same.

I got you!

[Gardor groans]

And if that isn't the kind
of man

you want on your Tribunal,
then you don't deserve him.

What do you think you're doing?

Protecting my kids.
Now don't move.

[chuckles]
You can't tell me what to do.

I wouldn't be so sure.

Minister McFigglehorn.

You take orders
from the Tribunal,

and Justin is on the Tribunal.

-He is?
-You are?

I am?

Uh-- But--
But the Cyclops.

We had a surprise
character witness,

someone who knows you
better than anyone.

It was me. She means me.

You were willing to put others
above yourself.

That is exactly
the kind of wizard

we want on the Tribunal.

[gasps] I'm on the Tribunal!

Dad, that's awesome!

Yeah, but how did you know
we were here?

Well, when I saw you weren't
on the tour,

I thought of the one place
you weren't supposed to go,

because I knew that's exactly
where you'd be.

And here we are now.

I hate being predictable, but I like
being alive, so. Thanks, Justin.

Gardor, the Realm of No Return.
Really? You are in big trouble.

He was only doing his job.
If anyone should be in trouble,

it's us.

Oh, don't worry. You are.

Come on, kids.

Uh, Billie, time to go.

Wait for me!

[sighs]

-Bye, Gardor.
-Bye, Milodor.

Actually, it's just Milo.

[groans] You tricked me again!

Gotta go!

[sighs] I guess I'll never know
what you wanted me to learn.

Hey, Billie!

What? What are you doing?

We're supposed to stay
in our rooms.

I wanted to give you something.

[gasps] You took it?

It's your prophecy.

You deserve to know
what it says.

[chuckles softly]
"As the prophecy foretells,

wand in hand, a powerful girl,
she's the one who will..."

"...end the world."

What?

I'm sorry, did you say,
"end the world"?

Were you eavesdropping?

Well, I didn't want to interrupt
a nice moment between you guys,

but I also wanted to hear
what the prophecy said,

so eavesdropping seemed
like the right move,

but now I'm kind of
regretting it.

Maybe you read
the prophecy wrong.

Yeah, yeah, maybe it said,
"bend the world,"

or "defend the world,"
or "offend the world."

That last one
I could definitely see.

No, the prophecy's clear.

A powerful wizard is going
to destroy the world, and...

that wizard...

[♪ dramatic music playing]

…is me.

[♪ music fades]