Mark of the Werebeard (2023)

[bunniefuu]

(static buzzes)

(solemn orchestra music)

(door rings)

(TV buzzes and hisses)

(sink runs)

(door rings)

Hey, Bill, how you doing?

Yeah, Jack, I'm doing quite well.

How's my favorite barber?

Bill, I'm your only barber.

I am your only barber, right?

I'll never tell. (Laughs)

Sit down, and I'll give

you a trim, you old tr*mp.

All right, all right.

(upbeat pop music)

- This is Vic Cannon,

your eyes on the sky at WVBW.

We're live on scene where it's

some kind of creature appears

to be on a rampage.

(clippers buzz)

Oh, get it high above

the ears, you know?

Bill, if I bring it any

higher around the ears,

you won't have any hair left.

(Bill laughs)

[Vic] It looks as though

the creature knows some type

of karate or kung fu.

Back again?

Oh God, Kevin, it's hard to watch.

This poor man.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

Can you turn that up a bit?

I wanna hear this.

Do you have a wimpy beard?

Is there a mustache lacking gusto?

Do you wish you had more

hair on the top of your head?

If you answered yes to

any of those questions,

I have a product just for you.

Testonics, Science for

Men presents the latest

in hair growth technology.

Simply apply Testonics

hair growth gel anywhere

where you'd like to see more growth,

and before you know it,

you'll have that bold,

manly look you've desired since

your wife walked out on you,

and if you order now, we'll

send you a second bottle

of Testonics hair growth gel for free.

That's right, I said for free.

- Wow.

- So don't wait, order now.

Can you believe this sh*t?

They'll sell anybody anything.

I don't know.

I could definitely exactly

use a little growth.

Yeah, well two-timing your

barber will do that to a guy.

(Bill laughs)

Yeah, well, you're all set, Bill.

Hey, thank you very much.

Hey, here you go.

Bill, I can't take this.

It's too much.

No, no, it's okay.

I insist, and tell Rosemary I said hi.

Thanks, Bill, will do.

Take care, and will you be by tomorrow?

Yeah, yeah, I'm due for a shave.

See you then.

(door rings)

(intense electronic music)

(camera beeps)

(monster roars)

(man gargles)

Do you bear the mark of the were beard

This ain't no hipster trend

Do you bear the mark of the were beard

The whisker wars must end

Do you bear the mark of the were beard

Beardgedon is on the way

Do you bear the mark of the were beard

It's time to shave the day

What's with this mad scientist

And his hair growth formula

We need the scissors of Mustachia

Well, don't you stand

there, peach fuzz

Join in on the crusade

Bring hedge trimmers and nayr grenades

Do you bear the mark of the were beard

This ain't no hipster trend

Do you bear the mark of the were beard

The whisker wars must end

Do you bear the mark of the were beard

The elder beard wants to come play

Do you bear the mark of the were beard

It's time to shave the day

Hey, mom, it's Jack.

I'm home.

(calm Spanish music)

Did you do those things I asked you?

Mom, we need to get ready.

You have a doctor's appointment

later today. (Knocks)

Hey, mom, take a seat.

I'll take those for you.

I have to tell you something.

Jackie boy, how are you, sweetie?

Your father just went out.

He'll be back soon.

Mom, he, mom, listen for a minute.

There are bills from months ago.

We need to pay them.

Have you figured out your

Medicare info or social security?

Oh, stop it, Jack.

Your father, he'll take care of them.

No, mom, dad is gone.

He's been gone.

Look, I talked to your bank,

and you have no savings.

We need to get your

Medicare straightened out

and your social security so you can live,

and we don't end up on the street.

(Rosemary cries)

I'm sorry, mom.

[Rosemary] I miss him, your father.

I miss dad too.

Don't worry, Jack,

your father just left.

He'll be back soon.

(upbeat rock music)

(door rings)

Bill, are you back already?

You gonna have to go home sometime.

(ominous electronic music)

Hi, sir.

I'm afraid I'm closed right now,

but I can help you tomorrow.

Okay, I guess I can give you a quick trim.

(clippers short out)

That's weird.

Guess I'll have to do this old school.

Do you know mind if I use scissors?

(eerie orchestra music)

(scissors clatter)

It's everywhere!

It's everywhere, that's it.

It's in you sink!

It's on your shirt.

It's in your hair, and when he comes,

oh, he's gonna come for you.

He's gonna come for you!

What was that, you crazy b*stard?

Are you kidding me?

I just got these.

(solemn orchestra music)

Hey, Davey?

Davey, you here?

[Davey] Oh hey, Jack.

I'm just taking care of

something back here real quick.

I'll be right out.

(upbeat rock music)

No, don't worry about it.

Take your time.

[Davey] Yeah, while you're out there,

can you do me a favor and just

hit that switch by the door?

It's on the left.

Yeah, this one?

(electricity zaps)

(Davey yelps)

[Davey] That's the one.

What were you doing back there?

Just some old junk, you know.

People bring in stuff from time to time,

and some of it's worth fixing up,

and some of it just cost me a fuse.

I could see that.

You know, you should really do that stuff

when someone else is around.

You could get hurt.

It's just a little electricity, man.

A little electricity never hurt anybody.

It actually has, like all the time.

Well, whatever.

What can I do for you?

You won't believe it,

but a crazy old man broke my scissors.

So I was wondering if

you had any lying around.

As a matter of fact, someone

came in with this earlier.

It's an old barber set.

It's old, but it's in good condition.

Here, take a look.

What, wow.

How much did you pay for this?

Well, that's the thing, man, not much.

Like maybe like a hundred bucks,

but the person seemed pretty

desperate when they came in.

As soon as I took the cash out,

she just snatched it outta

my hand and ran outta here.

Well, I'd be glad to buy from you.

I'm just pretty low on cash.

Can I pay you half now

and then half later?

I mean, come on.

You're a good friend of mine.

How about just gimme 50 bucks,

and we'll call it square.

I need this thing outta here anyway.

It gives me a weird feeling.

Thank you.

I really needed that.

Okay, next cut's on the house, okay?

[Davey] Yeah, thanks,

appreciate that.

- Thank you.

You can pick it up soon.

Jack mustn't know, and

he'll be here any minute.

Oh, he's here.

I'll see you later.

[Jack] Hey, mom, I'm home.

Who were you talking to on the phone?

Oh, I guess it must

have been your father.

Yeah, sure sounded like it.

How is that?

Oh, you know your father.

He's stuck at the office.

Sure, yeah, I know.

I had the most bizarre day today.

[Rosemary] Really, how so?

Well, Bill came in for his usual cut.

It's pretty busy today at the shop.

Oh, that's good.

Lots of hair was cut then.

Yeah, I guess so.

(Rosemary claps)

Thanks, Mom, but yeah, then

this crazy old man came in,

and he scared the sh*t outta me

and broke my pairs of scissors.

So I had to run down to Davey's shop

and grab a cheap pair as a replacement.

That's why I'm so late.

No, sweetie.

It's fine.

You just keep doing your best.

I'm so proud of you.

Thanks, mom.

(sad piano music)

(metal clangs)

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- It's okay.

- Just act normal.

Be polite.

You got this.

- Thank you.

- I'm so sorry again.

No, don't worry.

Oh, what's that?

- This?

- That's nice.

What's in there?

It's just an old barber

toolbox, combs, scissors, razors.

Are you a collector or really a barber?

I'm actually a barber.

My shop is right there.

You're kidding.

I just opened up an

antique shop around here.

I was just trying to get

acquainted with the neighborhood.

Yeah, it's really

nice around here, yeah.

I'm sorry.

Do you mind, could I see the set?

Yeah, of course.

Oh wow, that, I would die

to have something like this

in my collection.

I'll tell you what, miss.

Stacy.

Jack, my mom has a

bunch of old furniture

and old antiques that she's

collected over the years.

I'd be glad to sell it to you if you want.

Yeah, I'd love that.

Do you want to meet up somewhere or?

Yeah, here, here's my address.

I'll set them up for you.

Thank you.

I'm still getting some things

straightened out at my shop,

but is it okay if I drop by in a few days?

Yeah, how does Saturday sound?

Sounds perfect.

- Okay.

- I'll see you then.

I'll see you.

(upbeat electronic music)

(Stacy knocks)

Oh, who is this?

My son brought a woman home?

Mom, I'm sorry.

My mom still thinks I'm a teenager.

No, well, if the shoe fits.

Yeah, I still live with my mom.

It's a long story.

Yes, ever since his father died.

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Stacy Voice Over] Just

act normal, be polite.

You got this.

How about I make us some

tea, and you can have a look

at all of my precious heirlooms?

My precious and valuable heirlooms.

I'm sorry about that.

This is a pretty unique situation.

It's okay.

So where are these antiques

you're gonna show me?

Ah, yeah, it's in the kitchen,

and I have some more on the

deck if you want to come inside.

Yeah, thanks.

Oh wow, is this a genuine

Anglo-Saxon sword?

Oh, it's all genuine, sweetie.

My family's been

collecting for generations.

Yeah, got that right.

Wow, this is spectacular.

Can I see what else

you've got on the deck?

Yeah, sure.

Wait, wait, before you go,

you have to see this piece.

It's you smell like chicken florentine?

Mom, let's go back to the kitchen.

Hey, sorry about that.

My mom has dementia, which

makes everything so complicated.

See anything you like?

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, if you have any questions,

I'll be around.

Actually in the back over

there, there's this wardrobe

that was handcrafted back

in the day, like, you know,

kind of like when the

civil w*r was. (Yells)

God, you saved my life.

Shut up.

I saved you from a

sprained ankle at worst.

Well, Stacy, let me make it up to you

by cutting your hair using

the antique scissors.

How about you take me

out to dinner instead?

[Stacy Voice Over] Oh,

what are you thinking?

This was just supposed to

be business, nothing more.

(dramatic orchestra music)

(clippers buzz)

(door rings)

This again.

Sir, if you would kindly

just turn around and leave,

I don't have time for any of your antics.

I believe you have

misshaved me for someone else.

All right, I'm closing up soon.

It'll have to be quick.

I apologize.

I have a habit of cutting it pretty close.

All right.

All right, Bill, you're all set.

[Bill] Thanks, Jack.

I'll see you soon.

(phone rings)

Mom, what's going on?

Mom, you're fine.

Just sit down and wait for dad.

(Rosemary screams and hangs up)

(eerie electronic music)

Mom, mom.

I'm so sorry, but you have to go.

I need to go.

I'm so sorry.

(Rosemary screams)

No, no.

No!

[Stranger] Here, get out.

[Jack] The f*ck?

Damn, damn, that son

of a beard got away.

That thing was covered

and it took my mom away.

It was a were beard.

It took your mom away to

make itself a new host.

What are you talking about?

I'm part of a secret

organization called the Monastery

of Mustaches.

You're in a secret organization

but you carry a badge around?

That's not very secrety.

Oh, they sent me here

to investigate new were beard activity.

You keep saying were beard

like it's a thing.

What are you talking about?

It's easier if I just show you.

Follow me.

Oh geez, that's Terry, my mom's nurse.

Well, Terry's toast.

Come on, look here.

See these bite marks here?

Some might look at that and say, damn,

that b*tch got bit by a vampire.

Well, I can tell you two things.

We're not in Los Angeles, and

this is were beard residue,

the hair from a were beard.

Their follicles infect people

and make them their hosts.

Wait, so those things

are going to infect my mom?

Oh, I wouldn't worry too much.

It can take weeks for a

were beard to infect a host.

They usually take them back to their lair,

but they left this one behind.

I don't know why.

What's happening?

(goop spurts)

What's that goop coming

out of Terry's neck?

Hmm, yes, I've never seen this before.

It's new.

I think my old foes have gotten an updo.

Stick with me kid, and I

think we can shave your mom.

I mean, save your mom

and probably the world.

I don't know.

This is all pretty insane.

I must be hallucinating.

Hallucinate this. (Slaps)

(chaotic jazz music)

I think I'm gonna call the cops.

I wouldn't do that.

In fact, definitely don't do that.

I'm ordering you not to do that.

Well, why not?

Cops couldn't shave a baby bald.

Okay, if you say so.

(phone beeps)

(door knocks)

(intense electronic music)

Did you call the cops?

You toothless comb.

I'll be in your car.

(door closes)

Good evening, sir.

I'm Officer Harrison.

I understand you're the one

who called about your mother

and your nurse being m*rder*d.

Yes, it wasn't my nurse.

It was my mom's.

[Tech] Damn, look at those bite marks.

This is the sixth one this week.

[Tech 2] Man, where are

all these damn vampires

coming from?

We already got the jersey

devil up in this b*tch.

Stay on your own damn coast.

[Tech] I'll tell you what,

I'm gonna be taking a wooden stake

wherever I go from now on.

[Tech 2] Hell yeah, you are.

Hello, sir?

Yeah, sorry.

I heard her struggle.

So I came as fast as I

can, and I saw a guy.

Well, I think it was a guy.

It was a guy in a suit, and

he dragged my mother away.

Gotcha, hey, Louis.

Got another vampire attack.

Guy in a suit dragged the mother away.

No, no, it wasn't like

a three fitted suit.

It was like a like a furry suit.

Like a furry.

No, like, what is that?

Oh, this?

I'm using that new hair growth gel.

Gotta get the volume back.

You understand, you're a barber.

I never mentioned I was a barber.

I'm sorry.

I've gotta go.

Hey, wait.

(eerie electronic music)

Wait, so if you didn't

have your own vehicle,

how did you get to my

house right after me?

The Monastery of Mustaches

provides me with a web

of resources that I always

have at my disposal.

Pull forward a bit.

That's my room.

That smell is a weapon of my own design.

I call it nayr grenade.

Sorry, what?

A nayr grenade, pop

one of those suckers,

and you have an instantly

dissolved were beard.

Wouldn't it just become a werebald?

A were-what, a werebald?

You don't know the first thing

about were beards, do you?

Honestly, I didn't know they

existed until 20 minutes ago.

A were beard is completely

comprised of beard hair

and the flesh of its former host.

Dissolve the hair, all that's

left is a clump you can rinse

down your sink.

Why would they take my mom?

I don't know.

Neither of them seemed like

particularly good hosts.

[Radio] Calling all

units, we've got a report

of a code 1224.

sh*t.

What's a code 1224?

That means they broke

in, trashed the place,

bit the inhabitants on the

neck and left the TV on.

In short, it was a were beard attack.

Come on.

We gotta get there before the cops do.

(sirens blare)

With this much fuzz around,

it's gonna be a close shave to get in.

We're going to need these.

Why do you just have two FBI jackets?

Who carries that sh*t around?

Just shut up and take the jacket.

Keep your mouth shut and

let me do the talking.

Okay, old man.

Nobody's gonna believe

you're an FBI agent.

Watch how a professional

gets things done.

I've been called in by HQ to take

over this botched fade

you call an investigation.

Yes, sir.

Go on inside.

Officer Jenkins is already

in there waiting for you.

See, I told you that'd work.

I don't know.

That guy seemed pretty familiar.

Nah, his beard was way too big!

Officer Jenkins, is that you?

(Jenkins burps and growls)

(intense orchestra music)

(thunder rolls)

(Jack groans)

What happened?

Where am I?

Hit your head pretty hard,

didn't you, peach fuzz.

I can tell you one thing.

This was no coincidence.

This was a setup.

Somebody knows we're onto them.

Onto them, what do you mean?

Damn it, kid.

Have you been sleeping

this whole damn time?

The goop, the rise of

the were beard attacks.

Something's going down.

Let's untangle this b*tch.

(dramatic electronic music)

Good evening, Lieutenant Harry.

I've made some progress on

the case in upstate New York.

I'm sending you over a sample

of some green goop I've found

at two crime scenes now.

I've also taken a civilian under my wing.

I think he may be key

in solving this case.

Agent Hunter, my man, nicely done.

Use the guy.

We'll have the lab run the numbers,

and we'll send 'em to

you as soon as we can.

Don't worry about it.

I think I've come to

terms with this insanity,

but if I'm going to agree to

work with you any further,

I need to know everything.

It all started with the whisker wars.

(projector whirs)

[Narrator] There was

a time when the faces

of men knew no razor, for

they were bare to the world.

Then Beelzebeard arrived and

brought with him Beardgedon.

Man, woman, and child was

stricken with the itch

of facial hair.

From the darkness, seven barbers rose

and forged the scissors of Mustachia.

That's the only surviving

painting of the whisker wars.

I had to fill in the rest myself.

[Narrator] With the scissors,

they defeated Beelzebeard

in mortal combat.

They locked him away in a relic,

but strands of Beelzebeard remained.

Using a human host, it

formed the elder beard.

Since then, the elder beard

has scoured the earth in search

of the relic to free Beelzebeard

and be reunited with his master.

Listen, that was great,

but I have a lot going on tomorrow.

I have a thing tomorrow night,

and I still have to take over the shop.

What do you mean you have to go?

What could be more important

than putting an end

to this madness?

I have a date with an attractive woman.

You have a date?

When your mom could be slowly

turned into a were beard

as we speak, you have a date?

You said it could take a

while for the transformation

to be complete and the

results won't be back

for a couple days.

So what's the harm in

taking a few hours off

to grab some dinner?

Maybe I was wrong about you.

I thought you could be a

seamless moussed quiff,

but instead, you're just a basic buzz cut.

You know where to find me

when you come to your senses.

(groovy jazz music)

Hey, how's it going?

Better now that you're here.

Sorry, I had some some,

work has been busy lately.

Busy cutting lots of hair?

You could say that.

How's your shop coming along?

Great, actually, I

already sold the wardrobe

and almost sold the sword

I bought from you two.

Almost?

The guy wanted to know

if it worked on vampires.

What?

Yeah, I told him you

are wrong on two levels.

A, this is the east coast, right?

And B, read any book and you would know

that you can only k*ll

vampires with a wooden stake.

Then the guy just walked out.

What a weirdo.

Right?

Welcome to Cheeses Crust Pizza.

Specials so sinful, he died.

He's dead now.

He's gone.

So what can I get for you guys?

I'll just take a classic spaghetti

with tomato sauce on top.

Of course, for you?

I'll take one of those too.

Right.

So where are you from?

Connecticut, I really just

grew up there as a kid, though.

Spent most of my life in LA.

Then after getting my bachelor's

in business, I moved here.

Wow, Stacy seems like

you got it all figured out.

I wish I could get my life

straightened out like that.

Oh, don't sell yourself short.

You own your own business,

and you take care of your mom.

That's more than a lot

of people could say.

I appreciate that, but I don't know.

Ever since everyone has their

own razors and you know,

cell phones are now making

people bald at a younger age.

(Stacy laughs)

I don't know.

No one needs to go to the barber anymore.

Enjoy, I guess.

[Jack] Excuse me.

Oh.

Hair

Here, let me call the

waiter and get you a new dish.

No, no, no, no, don't.

Don't worry about it.

I don't wanna make a scene.

[Jack] You sure?

It's pretty gross.

Yeah, no, it's fine.

It's fine.

See, it's all gone.

No big deal.

Anyways, I was saying

my life's a wreck too.

After my husband died...

You had a husband?

Yeah, we were young and in love,

but then he took a business trip to Spain.

What was he doing in Spain?

It was for his job.

Every year, he would go to

the International Bowling Expo

in Spain.

You'd never think it,

but Spain is obsessed.

Anyways, there was a prototype

for a rocket-propelled bowling ball.

During the presentation...

It's okay, you don't have to.

No, no, it's fine.

It's fine, I'm fine, it's fine.

The bowling ball's guidance

system malfunctioned,

and it struck my husband in

the head exploding everywhere

all over people.

It was a seven/10 split. (Cries)

Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.

You must think I'm totally bizarre.

Oh no, not at all.

Actually, I relate.

My father died when I was a young boy.

That's rough, buddy.

Here's your check, by the way.

Thanks.

Thank you.

(people scream in the distance)

Make yourself comfortable.

When we came in, what

was that screaming?

Kind of creeped me out.

Oh, that's where I

hide all of my victims.

(Stacy laughs menacingly)

Yeah, seriously, I think there's some sort

of horror movie night

in the community room.

So you were telling me

about your dad before?

Yeah, my dad disappeared.

He went down into the basement for a pack

of cigarettes and never came back.

I'm sorry.

And just yesterday,

you won't believe this,

but my mom was kidnapped,

and her nurse was m*rder*d.

I don't know what to say.

I can't even imagine what that's like.

(bright rock music)

Just a humble guy

trying to cut some hair

And now there's monsters everywhere

But she made me forget about that

My husband died, then I joined a cult

That yielded unexpected results

But you made me forget about that

Let's live for tonight

Let's live for tonight

While we can

While we can

Because I'd like to get

Because I'd like to get

To know you more

To know you more

But if you mention vampires once

You'll be sleeping on the floor

I wanna hold her close

I can't let him know

Am I her kind guy

I can't keep up this lie

But there's something here

But there's something here

Between us that we can't deny

Between us that we can't deny

(cheery contemporary music)

(window breaks)

(monster growls)

(Stacy yelps)

Ow, would you stop hitting

me, you crazy b*stard.

You're weak.

We gotta make you stronger

if you want to save your mom

and your girlfriend.

I'm gonna take you from

fauxhawk to mohawk.

Full plan, it was gonna work out.

(chaotic jazz music)

I almost knew.

What are you doing?

What is that?

What is it?

(monster growls)

What does that even mean?

What happened last night?

How did I end up here?

Hey, you're my new best friend.

That's the nicest thing

anyone's ever said to me.

Forget about it.

I got the results back from the

Monastery of Mustache's lab.

And what'd they say?

What's the scoop on the goop?

The goop, it's at the center of it all.

You know that local commercial

they've been selling beard

cream with?

Oh, that is a scam.

The lumberjack games right

around the corner sponsored

by Chris Anderson of the Miami Heat,

it's all about the beards, man.

Where people from all over

the tri-state area gather

to worship big, majestic,

beautiful beards,

magnificent displays of lumberjackery.

So you add all those things up.

What do you get?

What?

A massive were beard army.

The old factory, that's

where it's coming from.

[Hunter] Bingo, whatever

the beards are planning

is happening there.

Then let's stop wasting time.

I've got beards to shave.

(upbeat rock music)

The relic emanates light

Watch a portal open wide

There's cowlicks to comb out tonight

And they have no hair to hide

Do you bear the mark of the were beard

This ain't no hipster trend

Do you bear the mark of the were beard

The whisker wars must end

Do you bear the mark of the were beard

You know this is unnecessary.

You brought in a

stranger to have coitus.

Under the decree of the elder beard,

you are under house arrest.

So I'm under house arrest.

Does that mean we can leave the room?

It's chicken florentine for lunch today.

Yeah, actually, I could eat.

I can't help but admire what a wise

and crafty leader the elder beard is.

Oh, and what does the wise

and handsome leader plan

for us this time?

Well, you haven't heard this from me,

but do you know the barber

and his pesky friend,

the beard hunter, that duo

that had been such a pain

in the a*s recently?

Yeah.

Well, I heard they're going to be going

to the warehouse tonight

to confront the creator

of the goop, and when they

do, we're going to swoop in

and reclaim what is ours and

then take out the barber.

(both chuckle menacingly)

[Stacy Voice Over]

Jack, I could convince him

to see our side and join

the cult and find his,

no, our destiny.

Then finally, all of this

bloodshed could come to an end.

(sultry rock music)

Do you really think the

elder beard is gonna be there?

I don't know.

I really hope not, not again.

Again, you've faced

the elder beard before?

Yeah, you could say I've faced him,

but my past is not gonna help us here.

You need to focus on the task at hand.

Do you know anything

about were beard society?

Seeing as how I just learned

what a were beard is two days

and 20 minutes ago.

The were beard hierarchy is

the stages of were beard growth.

It also marks their place

in were beard society.

All were beards start out as

a disgusting little hairball

that incubates until it turns into

what we call a face-hanger.

At that stage, it needs a host to mutate

into a fully grown

were beard or soldier beard.

After that, there's the elder beard.

There's only ever been one.

Jesus, how old is that thing then?

Thousands of years.

It was defeated once, but all

were beards can revert back

into a hairball to regenerate.

It's been around long enough

to have every contingency planned.

How do we k*ll something like that?

The scissors I mentioned before.

We corner him, make sure there's

no hosts around to infect,

and then we cut him into bits.

(lamp buzzes)

The magic in the scissors prevents him

from being able to regenerate.

So we better go get those scissors then.

You think I just have the scissors

of a Mustachia just lying around?

I don't think so.

If I did, this would've

been over a long time ago.

g*dd*mn it, would you

just tell me what's going on

between you and that g*dd*mn elder beard?

I get it.

You're a barber.

There's no head of hair you can't cut.

Well, this is one cowlick

you can't comb out.

The scissors have been

lost for hundreds of years.

The elder beard is unstoppable.

There's no winning this.

We're going to that factory,

and we're gonna put a stop

to whatever scheme he's

planning, and that's it.

So what, you and the were beards

have this Saturday morning

storyline going on until

there's no agents left?

Sorry to break this to you,

but that doesn't end well for you.

What am I supposed to do,

just quit, let them win?

I don't think so.

I'm going to that factory, and

I'm gonna do what I was put

on this hairy earth to

do, fight were beards.

I have to save my mom,

but then I'm done with

your ridiculous crusade.

- Fine!

- Fine!

- Fine!

- Fine!

(radio blares music)

(intimidating electronic music)

(door opens and shuts)

It's really f*cking quiet.

Isn't that usually a bad thing?

No sign is a good sign.

(goop oozes)

What's going on here?

I don't know.

This can't be the were beards.

They may be soulless parasites,

but they're not monsters.

(monster growls)

Watch it, kid.

You're gonna poke somebody's eye out.

Get off your high horse,

you dollar store Van Hellsing.

(intense rock music)

(clippers buzz)

(monster growls)

(monster growls)

(Hunter grunts)

(monster growls)

(upbeat rock music)

(scientist claps)

That's not Chris

Anderson of the Miami Heat.

Congratulations, Hunter.

I didn't think you'd catch on so quickly,

much less find my hideout.

You wish to know who I am?

I'll tell you.

I am the new elder beard,

and I'll raise as the earth

with a new breed of

were beard, and together,

we'll conquer until nothing is left

but beautiful, beautiful beards,

and you two will be the first

to join my ranks. (Laughs)

(shirt tears)

(trash crumples)

(scientist groans)

(coughs) I'll tell you everything.

I was born with osteogenesis imperfect a.

I devoted my life to finding a cure

to osteogenesis imperfect a.

I met a woman.

Together, we searched for

cure, but instead, found love.

I was a bald, frail husk

when my love left me.

All I had left was rage.

(fire crackles)

I met the inventor of the

rocket-propelled bowling ball.

He introduced me to the beard cult,

and I learned of the werebeard's evil,

demonic, vile strength of hair.

[Stacy Voice Over] The

beard cult may be bad?

I knew what I had to do. (Coughs)

I sought the beard cult out

and discovered one of their compounds

at the Van d*ke mansion.

(scientist cries)

I needed that relic from the beard cult.

I stole it.

f*ck!

And used it to reverse-engineer

were beard (coughs)

DNA and created the hair growth formula.

Why did you need my mom?

Rosemary is your mother?

I needed her for...

(scientist chokes)

[Jack] Tell me!

Come on, kid.

We gotta get outta here.

It's getting hairier than a

hipster at an ayahuasca retreat.

What about my mom?

(dramatic orchestra music)

Come on, we gotta go.

Come on, come on, damn it.

(monster growls)

(Rosemary screams)

No, mom!

At least I could still get the relic.

No, the relic!

Jack!

Stacy?

(monster growls)

(Stacy screams)

Stacy, why, God, why?

(Hunter hits Jack)

(warehouse explodes)

sh*t, they found your room.

- f*ck.

- sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

What do we do?

I don't know, kid.

We're running out of options here.

Well, just go to the barbershop.

(intense orchestra music)

(monster growls)

Fine, no, were beards are

gonna be all over that place.

Just do it.

Something's telling me

that we should go there.

Okay, kid, I'm trusting you.

(rhythmic jazz music)

Okay, it looks all clear.

Come on in.

Hey, what is this?

What's what?

This box.

That's an old set of

shaving tools I bought

at a pawn shop.

Some psycho broke my old ones.

Well, shave my ba*ls.

Do you know what these are?

Antique barber tools?

No, you beautiful idiot.

These are the scissors from the story.

The scissors of Mustachia,

you found them.

(bright orchestra music)

(scissors electrocute Hunter)

They won't answer to me.

Grab them, grab them now.

Okay, okay.

(scissors buzz)

(intense electronic music)

(Jack gasps)

(scissors clatter)

Mustachia, the first were beard hunter,

those scissors belonged to them.

They're enchanted with an ancient magic.

It's the only thing that

can defeat the elder beard.

So what, I'm some sort of chosen one?

(laughs) Not with

those calves you aren't,

but you are the closest thing we've got.

Let's get 'em, peach fuzz.

(ominous electronic music)

(fan buzzes)

(chains rattle)

[Elder Beard] Rise and shines, Stacy.

Did you have a good nap?

Elder beard?

It's an honor to meet you,

oh, wise an handsome leader.

Do you find it an

honor to meet me truly?

Because your actions of

late have stirred discord

and discontent amongst the cult.

I never meant to do anything like that.

I only had the cult's

best interest at heart.

Then why did you bring the barber here?

Timing is everything, and

this was not the time.

I thought I could get close

to him to learn the location

of the scissors for you.

So you do not trust me?

You do not trust that I have a plan?

You think I am incapable of

outsmarting a dimwitted barber

and his lowly hunter friend?

Never, Elder Beard.

[Stacy Voice Over] I would never,

Some of our members have proven loyal

and have been rewarded with the mark.

Others are bestowed greater honors

like my newest host you see before you.

Others are given the mark,

not because they are loyal,

but because they can't

be trusted without it.

You will be given a chance

to prove yourself loyal

as a were beard.

I would be honored, Elder Beard.

[Stacy Voice Over] I'll

never be with Jack again.

Wait, why did I say that?

I should be honored to be given the mark.

Oh, my emotions.

(dramatic orchestra music)

(car pulls in)

Davey, it's just Davey.

Who the f*ck is Davey?

He's my friend.

He could be in the beard cult.

Get down.

Would you calm down?

He gave me the scissors

in the first place.

[Davey] Oh, hey, I thought

I'd nab that free haircut.

Sorry, but right now

is not the best time.

Why, what's going on?

(monster growls)

(Davey whimpers)

Oh sh*t.

(scissors zap monster)

What the hell is that?

It's a were beard.

A were beard, I saw that on the news.

I knew it wasn't vampires.

I'm so smart.

I knew it, I knew it.

Let's go inside before

more of them come back.

What is this, a sword or something?

It's a long story.

[Stacy Voice Over] No, no,

no, no, no, this isn't right.

I can't become were beard.

I still need to find my path,

and this definitely isn't it.

You know, I've never really

been a fan of those things.

(Monster growls)

(blood spurts)

(intense rock music)

(Stacy spits)

Damn, how do I get outta here?

[Cult Member] Remember, students,

the face hanger embryonic

fluid is incredibly acidic

to everything but were beards.

So be mindful.

(cuffs clinks)

(fluid hisses)

(Stacy screams)

Well, that's all we've got.

My communicator's back at the motel room.

So no backup, and the rest of

the arsenal's there as well.

So we're pretty much screwed.

Yeah, I don't think we can

take on a whole were beard army

with just us three and

the scissors of Mustachia.

I think I might have a suggestion.

Well, spit it out.

Don't just sit there like a dull blade.

Well, the auction that I just came from,

I bought some landscaping equipment there.

You think that might be able to help us?

Now this, I can work with.

Do you think this is enough

to take out the elder beard?

[Hunter] The last time

I faced the elder beard,

I had a partner.

We were young but still far

more experienced than you two.

The monastery sent us on

what was supposed to be

just another routine mission,

clear out a known were beard den.

[Partner] How many times

have I got to tell you, kid.

That tactical gear is

too tight on your thighs.

It'll slow you down out there.

You got to stay nimble.

[Hunter] Hey, with a suit

this tight, there's not an inch

of premium, pasty white skin

a were beard can latch onto.

Besides you're just jealous.

I'm pulling it off.

[Partner] What you got there?

Don't tell me, another

one In your goofy gadgets.

Does this one at least work

better than the last one?

What was it, the...

[Hunter] It was the

beard trimmer nunchucks.

I still stand by the prototype.

I finally solved the battery issue

and adjusted the cord length.

So this time, they'll be

ready for use in the field.

[Partner] It can't be worse

than the first time, me?

I prefer to get up close

and personal. (Yells)

(sultry jazz music)

Let's hit 'em up and move them out.

Looks like HQ was right, kid.

Only a couple of small fries.

This should be an easy in and out.

[Hunter] I'm ready when you are.

(intense electronic music)

[Partner] Yeehaw, and

that's how it's done.

Like I said, kid, nothing

quite like getting up close

and personal.

(groans) It got me.

[Hunter] Oops.

[Partner] Help me!

(monster growls)

Was that the new thing?

[Hunter] Yeah, that was the

first and only nayr grenade.

[Partner] Those things

pack one hell of a punch.

Nice job, peach fuzz.

Let's get in there and wrap this thing up.

(ominous electronic music)

[Hunter] As we crawled

deeper into the den,

there in the shadows, our

greatest fear, the elder beard,

and he was infecting a new host.

My partner signaled us to

retreat, but it was too late.

We were surrounded by dozens

of were beards within seconds.

They beat us to a stubble,

and to make it worse,

they made me watch for days

as my partner was infected.

Some sort of sick joke.

[Partner] Hey there, peach fuzz.

How am I looking?

Don't tell me.

I'm overdue for a shave again, aren't I?

And they left me alive as a warning

to all other beard hunters.

I'm sorry.

I had no idea.

Well, listen here.

My partner and I, we had style,

but we didn't have your guts,

we didn't have your grit,

and we definitely didn't have

your giant magical scissors

that can transform into a sword.

So I think we can do this.

How about you?

[Group] Yeah!

(upbeat hip hop music)

More carrots, don't tear it

More carrots, where's Garrett

Here I come from the west side

Left side

The right brain drives me insane

(radio blares music)

Hey, where are we going exactly?

The beard cult hideout.

Okay, and where is that exactly?

I have no idea.

Wait, didn't the scientist

say something about a mansion

or a manner?

Yeah, the d*ck Van d*ke Museum.

Do you mean the Van d*ke manner?

Yep, that's it.

Well, sh*t, that's in the

complete opposite direction.

(tires squeal)

(tire hisses)

(hairball squeaks in the woods)

(yells) Help, this things attached to me.

(Jack beats hairball)

(hairball squeaks)

I think that's a hairball,

an early stage of were beard,

not strong on their own but

very dangerous in numbers.

How many numbers?

Beware the mark of the were beard

We gotta get outta here.

Hunter, got.

The whisker wars must end

- What about this tire?

[Jack] No time, drive now!

(truck starts)

Do you bare the mark of the were beard

Beardgedon is on the way

I can't see for sh*t.

Do you bear the mark of the were beard

Abandon ship, abandon ship.

(truck crashes)

We're gonna shave the day

(fire crackles)

I hope you guys are ready.

It's time to give these

monsters a shave they'll

never forget.

(dramatic electronic music)

Cheeses crust pizza

boxes, size 10 shoe prints,

faint musk of after shave, oh,

Jack and the beard

hunter must've been here,

but if they're going after the

cult, they'll never survive.

I have to help them, but

oh, I can't do anything

with this stump.

(machete chops)

Mom, what are you doing here?

You're eating with these people?

You're dressed like them too?

These people, they're our people.

The scientist, he held you hostage so.

Why do you think that is?

What use could a scientist

have with an old ailing woman?

When that wretched sack

of sh*t stole our relic,

he didn't know how to use it.

He needed me to harness its power

to control its abominations,

a disgrace to the elder beard.

[Cultists] The elder beard.

We really have you to thank, my son.

If it weren't for all of

your efforts to collect

so much hair, none of

this would be possible.

If you were collecting the hair,

what about beards for tots?

A ruse, a fake, a ploy

to get the hair I needed

for the summoning of the Beelzebeard.

Enough of this.

Where is the elder beard, you b*tch.

[Cultists] The elder beard.

The elder beard is here among us,

but you will never get to him.

[Cultists] The elder beard.

I have one mission in my life,

and that is to find the

elder beard and destroy him.

[Cultists] The elder beard.

Jack, you take care of Beardgedon,

and I'll find the elder beard.

[Cultists] The elder beard.

Werebeards, get them!

(monster growls)

(dramatic rock music)

(singing in a foreign language)

(guys grunt)

Oh sh*t.

Jack, I always wanted to say...

Save it, man.

Don't speak, rest.

I feel a little weird.

You'll be okay, buddy.

I still owe you that haircut.

Forget it, Jack.

I was never a hairstylist. (Gargles)

No! (Cries)

[Cultists] Beelzebeard,

Beelzebeard, Beelzebeard,

Beelzebeard, Beelzebeard.

(Jack yells)

(portal opens)

(intense rock music)

(Beelzebeard garbles)

Get outta here, kid.

Go tell the Monastery

of Mustaches everything.

(magic whistles)

(Beelzebeard whines)

You just couldn't let it go, could you?

Mom, what's going on?

What is all this?

I'm so confused.

You know what they say, Jackie?

Mother knows best.

Now be the good boy I raised

and help your mother clean up this mess.

I'll deal with your friends.

Is this dementia or have

those lunatics brainwashed you?

I assure you I am quite

in the right frame of mind.

I must say this comes as a disappointment

that this is all a shock to you.

This was always in your

best interest despite

what your father thought.

Beelzebeard was meant

to be a gift for you,

the herald of the end days.

By the great beard of Merlin, woman.

You rabble on and on about

what, your whiny little son,

who's frankly a third rate barber at best?

Hey, elder b*tch, leave my mom alone.

Sonny, you don't understand

the situation at all.

Your mother chose to be my host.

Of course, she planned to have

you carry that great honor,

but plans changed.

I wouldn't be the kind,

omnipotent, cult leader that I am

if I didn't take care of my people.

You're not the sharpest razor

in the shaving kit, are you?

Your mother's mind, I restore

her mind, and in trade,

she offered you to be the

harbinger of Beardgedon,

and now since you've f*cked all that up,

I'm going to kick your scrawny a*s.

This ends right now.

(dramatic choir music)

(Rosemary yells)

(Stacy yells)

(monster growls)

(Stacy grunts)

[Stacy Voice Over] Jack,

he was the chosen one,

but the cult accepts me for

who I am and provides lunches.

No, Stacy, your heart has already chosen.

For love!

(elder beard squeaks)

Hold still, hold still, kid.

I'm gonna get it off you.

Gonna get it off you.

Wow, that were beard

healing factor works fast.

Okay, I gotta go find my mom.

Mom, you okay?

[Rosemary] Oh, I forgot

where I hid the Christmas presents.

I forgive you, Mom.

(ominous electronic music)

(serene orchestra music)

(heart monitor beeps)

Stacy, where am I?

Sh, it's okay, rest.

You're in a hospital.

The Monastery of Mustaches headquarters.

Monastery of what?

You're safe now.

We all are thanks to you.

Do you remember our first date?

Of course I do.

Do you think we could do that again?

How does right now sound?

(door opens)

Let's see here.

Good morning, Mr. Razor.

Let me be the first to congratulate you.

It looks like you've fully

recovered from an acute case

of mark of the were beard.

Now for the bad news.

Looks like your minor

scrapes, your concussion,

your broken ribs, and your

karate-induced sciatica,

they've all returned.

What, did you say mark of the were beard?

Yeah, but don't worry.

It was a small infection, and

it actually cleaned itself out

just like a browser history

at a public library.

I don't think that's how that works.

So anyways, you're superhero-like

regenerative abilities

are gone.

So you're gonna need to rest up,

and you'll be back on

your feet in no time.

You know, I'm just gonna make this quick

before anyone else interrupts us.

(door opens)

Davey, I thought you died.

Hey, so did the were beards.

You know, I'm like a possum

playing dead to survive.

Anyway, I came in for that free haircut.

What, right now?

(clippers buzz)

(door closes)

There can't anyone else, right?

[Director] Cut.

(upbeat rock music)

(laughs) I like it.

Leave it in.

Leave it in.

That's a rap, that's a rap!

There is an ancient evil

A cult like never before

The elder beard will

grow out of every pore

Now faced with one decision

That determines our fate

Let them win or exterminate

Do you bear the mark of the were beard

This ain't no hipster trend

Do you bear the mark of were beard

The whisker wars must end

Do you bear the mark of were beard

Beardgedon is on the way

Do you bear the mark of the were beard

It's time to shave the day

(upbeat pop music)

Just a humble guy

trying to cut some hair

And now there's monsters everywhere

But you made me forget about that

My husband died then I joined the cult

That yielded unexpected results

But you made me forget about that

Let's live for tonight

Let's live for tonight

While we can

While we can

Because I'd like to get

Because I'd like to get

To know you more

To know you more

But if you mention vampires once

You'll be sleeping on the floor

I want to hold her close

I can't let him know

Am I that kind of guy

I can't keep up this lie

But there's something here

But there's something here

Between us that we can't deny

Between us that we can't deny