02x02 - Homecoming

[bunniefuu]

Frankie: Out here in the middle, fall means a lot of things... Crunchy leaves, hayrides, and, most importantly, Homecoming. It's the one day of the year the whole town stops watching football inside and starts watching it outside. And this year promised to be extra special.

Axl made varsity. How 'bout this kid?

Oh, my gosh. Axl! Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Uh, gross. You know the rules. Christmas and birthdays only.

Fine. I'll hug your dad.

Still gross.

Truth is, I wasn't just happy for Axl. You see, when your son's on varsity, you get to escort him onto the field before the big Homecoming game, and it makes all the other crap you go through worthwhile, 'cause no matter how smart-mouthy and horrible your kid is every other day of the year, for one shining moment you've got everyone watching you, wondering... "What did she do right?" And you're the only one who knows. Nothing.

Look, just try not to embarrass me, okay?

(Sniffles)

Yep, warm mother-son moments with Axl were few and far between these days, and I was sure as hell gonna enjoy this one.

Okay. I need your vote.

Which one should I wear to Homecoming?

Which one's cheaper?

Mike, this is Homecoming. I'm not gonna worry about money.

I'll tuck the price tag in and return it the next day. Thattagirl.

I can't tell. Until it's filled up, it's just clothes.

Besides, it's not gonna matter what you decide to wear anyway, 'cause all eyes are gonna be on this. Oh, is that right?

'Fraid so. Well, it may be competing with cleavage, so good luck.

Mm. Oh, look at that. I gotta get somebody out there with a rake. Well, Axl's at football, and Sue's at cross-country.

Oh, but I heard Molly Donahue has a little leaf-raking business going. Why would I pay someone else's kid when I got a perfectly good free one over there, sitting under our roof, eating our food, using our last name? Have you met Brick?

He's not ready for leaf-raking. He can't even blow his nose.

(Sniffling and snorting) No. You're... You're sucking in.

Out. Out. Blow out. No. Wait. Close your mouth.

Gotta get some pressure going there. Ooh.

This is nuts.

When I was 8, my dad had me drivin' a tractor, tarrin' a roof, trimmin' a tree with a chainsaw.

And remember, we were gonna try and do better.

I'm just sayin', Brick's been playing the baby card for a little too long.

Chores are part of being a man.

Brick, congratulations. You've been called up.

You're going to the show. Because I don't know what that means, I'm gonna assume it's some kind of sports expression.

I got a job for you, son. I want you to go out there and rake all the leaves in the backyard. Oh... I don't think I'm ready for leaf-raking, but thanks for your confidence.

(Whispers) Confidence.

Come on. Let's go.

(Sighs)

(Handle scrapes floor)

All right. Rake works better if you flip it around. (Leaves rustle)

There ya go. He's got it.

(Door opens and closes) Look what I got at practice today...

My cross-country phone tree, my cross-country schedule, and my cross-country sportsmanship agreement, which I have to sign and return.

Wow. There's so many papers to sign when you're on a sport.

You just stick that schedule up on the cupboard, girl.

I finally have something to put on the cupboard besides my braces tightening schedule. (Laughs)

I guess I'll just have to move Axl's football schedule over.

After all, we do have two athletes in the family now.

First meet is on the 2nd.

How can Sue's first meet be on the same day as Homecoming?

What kind of team schedules something the same day as Homecoming? It doesn't make any sense.

Right? I mean, come on. Axl finally makes varsity.

Sue finally makes... Anything!

And they're both at the same time?

Why does the universe do this to us?

The universe took a look at all this and had to take us down a peg.

Yeah, well... (Sighs)

We got two events, two parents.

We'll just have to divide and conquer, I guess.

Ugh. All right. I'll take football.

Wh... No way. Why do you get football?

I'm a guy. Oh, come on. Cross-country's a sport, too.

Is it? They run into the woods and come out two hours later.

Lost dogs do the same thing.

I want Homecoming! It's a huge deal.

I bought a new dress and everything.

Well, technically you didn't.

Oh, no way, Mike. No way. Let's sh**t for it.

Rock, paper, scissors. Come on. Rock...

I'm not gonna sh**t you for it.

Rock, paper, scissors. Ready? (Chuckles)

Rock, paper, scissors. Come... Wrong. Rock, paper, scissors.

No. All right. Hold on.

Come on. We're being silly. Homecoming is the bigger deal.

We're expected to walk Axl out on the field.

We have a job. That's our job.

Sue has a whole season of meets we can go to. She'll be fine.

And it's her first meet. I don't want to miss her first meet.

Well, then I guess we have our answer.

No, we do not have our answer.

I want to walk Axl out on the field.

Ohh. I want to do both. Oh, God. I feel sick.

Okay, stop beatin' yourself up. Sue! (Sighs)

She's a big girl. She'll understand. Sue!

Yeah?

I'm sorry, but your first meet is at the same time as the big Homecoming game, so...

Oh. That's okay. You don't have to come to my meet.

I mean... (Chuckles) Mom'll be there.

Brick.

Use the rake.

The rake, Brick.

(Mouths word)

So while Mike was dealing with Brick, I was trying to forget about Homecoming, which, for some reason, was not easy.

How do I look, Bob?

Actually, sir, I think you're supposed to drive, and the Homecoming queen sits back there.

Does the Homecoming queen own a car dealership and two pawnshops?

I'm the big dog around here! I can sit wherever I want.

(Sighs)

(Exhales deeply)

Wow. Homecoming, huh?

It's a pretty big deal.

I know. Huge.

Yeah. (Chuckles)

I'm a little worried about Axl, though, you know?

I mean, this is a big deal for him, and I'll be with you instead. (Clicks tongue)

Oh, don't worry about Axl, mom. (Chuckles)

He understands things are different now that I'm on cross-country.

I mean, you've gone to hundreds of his events, and you've never gone to a single one of mine ever...

(Chuckles) And now you get to. Aah! (Giggles)

That is so true! Aah!

Mom, it means a lot to me that I can finally be the one to make you proud.

Are those tears of joy in your eyes?

Tears are tears. (Chuckles)

We don't have to define them.

(g*nf*re, punches landing)

Man: Ow! (Grunts)

(Tires screeching, glass shatters)

(Sighs) So, listen, I'm really sorry I'm gonna have to miss Homecoming.

Whatev...

(Sighs) Are you okay?

'Cause if you're upset about this, maybe you should tell Sue.

Just, you know, tell her how you wanted me to walk you onto that field your whole life and you'll be really disappointed if you have to go out there without me.

Okay. Well, first of all, maybe you're right that I'll be disappointed, but I don't think so, and, second of all, no.

Well, why don't you just get up off the couch and yell something, like, "My, God, mom!"

"It would break my heart that my very own mother won't be at the biggest day of my life!"

Then storm into your room, and I'll do the rest.

(Inhales deeply) Ugh.

Okay, you don't have to say "disappointed."

You can put it in your own words.

"Crushed," "bogus," "lame-o"... Whatever feels comfortable.

(Door slams)

What's that smirk about?

I got you an early birthday gift.

Well, you didn't get me anything last year, so technically it's late, but what do you got?

I took care of it. I talked to Sue's coach and got him to move cross-country a half-hour earlier so you can do both. You're welcome.

Oh, my God! Mike! How?

There's not much you can't accomplish in this town with a case of beer and a wheel of cheese.

Oh, seriously? I can do both? I can really do both?

Oh! You are a hero.

That's the word I was gonna use.

See, I'm a doer, Frankie.

While you talk, talk, talk, I get it done.

Talker. Doer. Just like this thing with Brick.

I put him outside and told him to work.

That out there is a man in the making.

Yeah, well, your man in the making just climbed into a trash bag.

Jeez. Brick!

Come on. Get out of there. (Leaves rustling)

Thattaboy. He's out.

And so Brick continued to rake the leaves day after day after day.

He organized them by color.

He made sure he got every one.

It's almost ready!

(Blows air)

He did his job with extraordinary attention to detail.

This one doesn't match any of our trees.

I'll return it to the neighbors.

(Sighs)

And just when Mike had about given up...

I finished.

Really? Yep.

Oh.

(Sighs)

You did it.

Took you 11 days to do a job that should take an hour, but you did it. All by yourself. Doesn't it feel good?

It really does.

You're growing up fast, Brick. Really fast.

I know.

(Sniffles) Can you tie my shoe?

(Sighs)

(Cheering)

At last, the big day arrived. Homecoming was our super bowl.

Actually, the super bowl was our super bowl, but Homecoming was a close second.

(Engine dies, sputtering)

Ah, ya flooded it, you dizzy broad.

Now we're screwed.

Well, don't just sit there. Get out and push.

(Girls chanting) B-e a-g-g-r-e-s-s-I-v-e!

Aggressive! B-e aggressive!

Whoo!

Hey!

Mike.

Brickster.

Oh, Bob. (Chuckles) Ah.

You found us.

Great game, huh?

Yeah, we're gonna crush them to smithereens.

Orson rules!

Yeah!

Ah-ooh-gah! Ow! Ow!

Yeah, baby! Whoo! (Laughs)

You're really going to town there, huh?

Oh. Sorry about that.

That's okay.

Yeah, you know, big weekend for an alum.

Gettin' fired up.

Gettin' psyched. Ah!

Oh, the times I had here.

You didn't go here.

No. I was home schooled. Where's Frankie?

Um...

Where was I?

I was at a place that people from the boonies refer to as the sticks.

(Mouths word)

Runners, on your mark.

(g*nsh*t)

Go, Sue! Whoo!

Go, Sue! Yeah!

Go, Sue!

(Crow caws)

Man: Have you ever seen such pageantry?

And the thundering hens drill r*fle-ettes are up next, as soon as we get the stalled car moved off the field.

Uh, yeah, sorry... The stalled car from Ehlert motors!

So when you think of quality, think Ehlert motors!

(Blows)

Yeah! Go, thundering hens!

Whoo!

Bob, when they say "yards rushing," what does that mean?

Well, football's a really fascinating game, Brick.

It's hard to explain all the particular nuances.

You don't know, do you? I just cheer when everyone else does.

(Air horn blows in distance)

Dad, then can I ask you a question?

Kinda wondering why you didn't.

Okay. Where do the leaves go, you know, after the raking?

You ask Bob about football and I get leaves?

Well? Well, we'll take 'em down to the dump, and they'll put 'em in the incinerator.

What? You never said they were gonna burn 'em!

Well, what did you think was gonna happen?

I thought maybe we'd take them into the forest and set them free.

Will all varsity parents please report to the field?

Okay. Look, Brick, I don't have time to talk to you about this now. They're calling the parents down onto the field.

Hey, Bob. Keep an eye on him till I get back.

No problem, Mike.

He's safe with me. I'm going for a corn dog. Save my seat.

In just a short time, we'll begin the parade... Of the Orson varsity families.

I think it's safe to assume at least some of these parents had sons expressly for this purpose.

Hi. I'm Sue Heck's mom, and she hasn't come in yet. Who?

Never mind. I was just wondering if you know when this'll be wrapping up, because I need to get to Homecoming.

It's kind of a big deal, 'cause my son's on varsity.

Ah, football. Everyone loves the sports with ba*ls.

Look, everyone else is in, so I guess it'll be over when your daughter crosses over the finish line.

(Chuckles) Okay.

(Sighs)

(Sighs) Where is she?

(Panting)

Oh, my God.

I don't see anyone in front of me.

(Gasps) Oh! I think I'm first!

Hey, Sue. Lookin' good.

Mom. What are you doing here?

How's my time? Am I winning?

Oh. Not exactly. The other runners have all come in.

Oh, really? Well, I lost some time in the woods.

An angry raccoon wouldn't let me stay on the path, and I fell into a pricker bush, and it took a while to get out.

And then I threw up a little.

But I think I'm on a runner's high now.

Hey, listen, Sue.

Why don't you hop in? I'll drive you to the finish line.

What? I can't do that. That's cheating.

It's not cheating.

You'll still get last place. You'll just get it sooner.

It's time, mom. They record your time.

No, honey, but see, the... The timekeeper left.

She went to Homecoming.

They all went to Homecoming. (Sighs)

I'm sorry, but I want to cross that finish line.

Sue Heck does not give up.

And that is what I love about you. I really do.

Just not when I have 15 minutes to get to Homecoming and walk your brother out onto that field!

(Sighs)

I knew it. I knew you'd rather be at Axl's thing than with me.

(Sighs)

(Parking brake clicks)

Okay, you know what, Sue? You got me.

Yes, I want to go to Axl's thing.

I want to wear a pretty, returnable dress and walk your brother down the field, but not because I don't want to be here with you, because I do.

And I was! It's just that I get no affection from Axl.

I mean, you're a girl, and you still love to hug and cuddle with me, but your brother is just this miserable, smart-mouthed pain in the butt who won't let me anywhere near him, and if I can have one moment where he'll let me walk arm in arm with him out onto that field and kiss him on the cheek, and he can't wipe it off, then yes! I wanted to do that!

(Sighs)

Okay. Let's go get your moment.

(Mouths word)

(Sighs)

Frankie: You gotta love daughters.

We even found a way for Sue to cross the finish line.

Aah! (Laughs)

(Cheering, marching band playing)

I can't get ahold of her.

...And number 32, escorted by Frances and Michael Heck.

(Panting) I'm here. I'm here.

Oh, thank God. Mom, I was afraid you weren't gonna make it.

(Laughs) Here.

Yeah, here's what really happened.

(Honking horn)

Man: ...And now each boy will pin his mother with the traditional Homecoming corsage.

The corsages were donated by Al's hardware, your discount snow shovel destination!

Al's hardware... Where the sale never ends!

Sale ends Friday.

(Cheering, marching band playing)

Here.

Oh. Yeah, okay. (Clears throat)

(Camera shutters clicking)

Frankie: And so that was it. I had missed the big moment.

I missed it all... The pageantry, the walk, the corsage.

But then, almost as if Axl wanted to make it up to me, he pulled off the greatest play of the year.

(Cheering)

What's happening? I don't know!

(Air horn blows)

Whoo, Axl! Yes!

(Thud)

(Grunts)

(Whistle blows)(Grunts)

We have a time-out on the field with number 32 down at the 11 yard line.

He's okay. He just got the wind knocked out of him.

Frankie?

(Mouths word)

(Slow-motion voice) Frankie, no!

Dude, your mom's here.

Good evening, Mrs. Heck. Lovely dress.

Axl, sweetie, are you okay?

Please tell me I'm dead.

(Whispers) God, I can't believe she just did that.

The good news is, I did get to walk arm in arm on the field with my son, but it wasn't exactly how I had pictured it.

Well, if you wanted to wait 16 years until the perfect moment to completely destroy my life so I can never show my face outside this house again, congratulations, mom! Your evil plan worked!

Axl. (Sighs)

Okay, I'm sorry. I still don't understand.

Where is it written that a mother cannot run out onto a football field if she thinks her son is injured?

It's not written anywhere, Frankie, 'cause everyone in the world agreed it was too obvious to write down.

(Sighs) Well, I think Axl is being a baby.

Embarrassment is an important part of sports.

My coach told me that.

Dad?

What, Brick?

If we can't set the leaves free, can I at least keep them in my room?

They won't take up much space. (Whispers) Space.

No, Brick. You're not settin' 'em free, you're not keeping 'em in your room, and you're not reading to 'em.

They're not your friends, Brick.

They're leaves. Dead leaves. You got it?

I just don't get it. When's that kid gonna grow up?

Why are you in such a hurry for him to grow up?

So he can, quick, be a teenager like Axl and have nothing to do with us?

Don't wish the time away, Mike.

(Exhales deeply)

(Knock on door)

Hey.

Brought you an ice pack for your shoulder.

Just...

Keep it there for 20 minutes.

But don't fall asleep with it on, 'cause...

I'm sorry. Sorry.

It's just...

Hard to stop being a mom.

(Sighs)

Listen, I know you're growing up, and... And you want me out of your life, and I'm trying, Axl.

I really am.

It's just that it's gone so darn fast, you know?

Like warp speed.

(Sighs) A minute ago, you were hanging on my leg, begging me not to leave you at preschool, and now I realize, I shouldn't have.

I should've just snatched you and ran.

(Sighs)

And, you know, all I'm trying to say is that if I embarrassed you by running out onto that football field...

Which I still don't see why it's so wrong, but I'm...

Then...

(Sighs)

I'm sorry.

Good night.

Don't have to stop.

What?

I-I mean, he hit me really hard, you know.

It kinda hurts.

I guess that's the thing about being a mom.

You never really have to stop.

You just have to start learning to do it in private, but that's okay.

In the end, it's not about those big, public moments.

It's the little moments... The ones that sneak up on you.

Those are the ones you remember.

Ah.

(Voice breaks) This is harder than I thought.

I know.