02x07 - A Birthday Story

[bunniefuu]

(crows caw)

Frankie: Is there anything better than a surprise party?

The only hard part's keeping the secret.

But when you pull it off, it's something no one ever forgets.

Yep, everyone loves a surprise party.

I invited my whole class to my birthday on Saturday.

(singsongy) Surprise.

Saturday? You're just telling me about this now? Oh, Brick.

I don't have time to throw a party for 20 kids in 3 days.

Here's a list of everyone's food allergies and dietary restrictions.

We all voted on a peanut butter cake, Except for two kids who will die if they go anywhere near it.

I'll let you hash that out. (sighs)

Look at you, ready for work without having to be dragged out of bed, and only 20 minutes late. (microwave beeps)

Yeah, new manager working at the movie theater.

I wanna make a good impression. Oh, don't forget to take Saturday off.

Yeah, like I'm gonna give up a Saturday to party down with a bunch of 6-year-olds. Mnh. (Chuckles) I'm 9.

Yeah, that's much cooler. (sighs) Ugh.

Brick, if we're gonna do this, you got to invite a lot less.

See, this is why they need smaller class sizes.

Oh, the other thing I'd like this year is to finally hear the story of the day I was born.

Um, actually, you know, this list does seem very doable.

I'm gonna get on it right now.

I'll go out and see if we still have those plastic chairs. I'll go.

(thud) Come on.

Hmm.

Where you been? The movie started ten minutes ago.

Sorry, man. (Sighs)

I can't let you guys in for free anymore.

I got some new manager coming in today.

Whatever. I'm still filling up my soda jug.

Uh... Whoa, dude.

You must be Axl.

(chuckles) I'm Kasey. Rhymes with lacy.

Now I know you're late, but don't sweat it.

I get you're not planning on working here forever.

I mean, I'm only doing this until I get my grades up enough to get into beauty college. (giggles)

Anyway, I just wanted to say hi.

(all) Hi.

Now get to work.

(imitates whip cracking)

Oh, my God! I got a hot boss.

There's, like, whole web sites dedicated to the concept.

Enjoy the fantasy, bro, 'cause that's all it's ever gonna be.

Wrong. Why? 'Cause check it out...

Late nights, close quarters, and no competition except that 50-year-old weirdo who works the projector.

Did you not hear her? She's going to beauty college.

She's gonna learn how to be even hotter.

(chuckles) You got no shot.

What kind of an idiot puts a plastic bag in a garbage disposal?

Okay, Brick, here's the thing.

You invited 25 kids to the party, but everything comes in packs of 24.

We're not gonna buy a whole extra set just for one kid, So you're gonna have to uninvite someone. I can't.

Come on. There's always one kid nobody wants at the party. That's me, mom.

Now keep in mind, if we're throwing you this expensive party, we might not be able to spend as much money on your present. I already told you what I want.

I just want to hear about the day I was born. (Gasps)

Brick was starting to realize that every time he asked to hear about the day he was born, He never really got the full story.

It was a rainy day, and I was at the grocery story, when...

Uh-oh. Doorbell. It was a snowy day, and your mom was helping me shovel...

Was that the doorbell?

It was a really hot day, so I was getting mom a Popsicle, and, uh... oh, dude, doorbell.

Why is it every time I ask about the day I was born, No one ever answers me?

I've heard a million times how Sue was born on a leap day, so technically she's still only 3 years old, and Axl came out with a pointy head, But no one ever talks about my story.

It's almost like you don't want to tell me. Of course I want to tell you.

It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Mike, I'll need to see you in the dining room.

(both whispering indistinctly)

How would you like a brand-new bike?

Turns out having a hot boss is the one thing that'll get a teenage boy to work on time.

In fact, Axl went in a whole hour early.

Oh, Axl, thank God you're here. I can't find the register key.

You know, there's a spare key in the office.

I'm allowed to go in there? But the sign...

Uh, it says "personnel only."

You're personnel. (Chuckles)

Oh! I thought it said "personal only." (scoffs)

It's so stupid how they spell those words the same.

Yeah, um, I'll go get the key.

(gasps) You rock!

(chuckles) Mm.

(chuckles)

What do you think, Brick? I made the "B" myself.

Great, great...

Though it looks like rain...

Much like the day I was born.

(inhales sharply) Uh... Yeah.

Oh, God. I totally forgot to wrap your present. (Chuckles)

I gotta go.

(exhales deeply)

(sighs)

Alright, Sue. What's going on?

(gasps) What's the deep, dark secret everyone's hiding?

Nothing. I know what it is. I was adopted, wasn't I?

That'd explain a lot. You're not adopted, Brick.

Then why is your lip sweating?

Because... I was afraid I'd ruin your surprise.

Might as well tell you now.

I wrote down the whole story of the day you were born.

That's the gift I had to wrap.

Really?

Yeah. You can read it if you want now. It's in my closet.

In the back behind the hula-hoop.

Do you see it?

Hey!

(whispers) Brick's on to us! He knows we're hiding something.

He thinks he's adopted, but he's gonna keep digging!

What are we gonna do?

Alright, this has gone on long enough.

We're just gonna have to bite the b*llet and tell him what happened. Oh, no! He'll never forgive us.

He's getting older, Frankie. We can't wait too long. (Sighs)

You waited too long to tell Sue about unicorns. That was embarrassing.

I did a whole science project about them.

And the unicorn's primary food source is rainbows, But they have also been known to eat clouds. (Laughter)

Frankie: Brick already thinks he's adopted.

Let's just go with that. Come on. What adoption agency would give us a baby?

(sighs)

Brick: Sue! Let me out!

I'm no good under high-pressure situations!

(whispers) Hey.

Okay. That's it. I want answers, and I want 'em now.

What are you people hiding?

(normal voice) Okay, Brick. Here's the truth.

(doorbell rings)

Uh-oh. Doorbell.

No, really.

It's the doorbell for real this time.

Luckily for me, once his party started, Brick was too busy to ask any questions.

Well, thank you I for coming to Brick's birthday party.

Brick thought it'd be fun to start with some quiet reading time here And then later we'll all walk to the library. (children groan)

Hey! You think Brick wanted to play in the bouncy house at your party? Or race go-karts at your party?

Well, this is Brick's party, so suck it up and start reading.

Whoa. Looks like a rager.

Sorry I gotta miss it.

I thought you were taking today off.

I did, but my genius boss forgot to schedule anyone else.

Sucks I gotta work on a Saturday...

(high-pitched voice) But at least she's hot.

(squishes) Mnh!

Hello? Is there anyone selling tickets?

Chill. I gotta fix this cheese pump, or you're all gonna have dry nachos, and then what?

Kasey, you're, like, three hours late.

So, so, so, so sorry. (chuckles)

I was at this "Oh, My God" party last night at this tall guy's house, and then Mindy and Tonya wanted to get into the hot tub, but I didn't bring my bikini, and I wasn't wearing any underwear. (Chuckles)

And then we downed, like, 20 body shots and had to sleep it off. (chuckles) Together?

No, silly. (Laughs) Tonya's bed's only big enough for two.

But of course Mindy crawled in anyway. Pfft. That's so Mindy.

(laughs) I know. Is this all the candy you have?

Uh... Did you order more candy?

Order? I thought the big truck just brings it.

Okay. I'll order more candy and put more popcorn in the popper. (squirts)

Make a wish, Brick.

(blows air)

(horns toot)

Shh! (Lowered voice) Okay. Just... Look.

Here. Look. Do it with your hands like this.

Isn't that fun? (Party horns clatter, chairs scrape floor)

Oh, okay. Go have fun, but remember, in ten minutes we're all gonna pose for a picture with the librarian.

Happy birthday, Brick. Thanks, dad.

(paper rustles)

(gasps)

Cool.

A manual!

And it's in German, Japanese, and French.

Thanks, mom. Thanks, dad.

What's the matter?

Nothing. It's just I didn't get the thing that I wished for when I blew out my candles.

I really, really wanted to hear about the day I was born.

Well, you told your wish. Now it can't come true.

(sighs)

Okay, Brick. It's time you knew.

What? Mom!

No. He deserves to know.

(sighs)

Well, it was a beautiful, sunny day, and I was in the kitchen standing by the sink eating sauerkraut when my water broke, so I called your dad, and he came home and got me, but when we got to the hospital, your dad thought it was...

Ridiculous to pay $10 for parking... (chuckles)

So he dropped me off and circled around for a meter, But it took so long, that by the time he got to the delivery room, you were halfway out, so your dad ran in, took one look, and boom! Passed out cold.

Really?

Yeah, that's where he got that little scar on his forehead, which means... He wasn't there to see you being born.

He was there to see Sue and Axl take their first breath, But not you, and that's why we never told you.

We didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Sorry, pal.

I understand.

(sighs) You do? Ohh.

Wow. Brick, that is really mature of you.

I am 9.

I really like that part about the parking meter.

That sounds like dad.

It does. (Chuckles) (laughs)

The robot takes "D" batteries!

(door closes)

And parts of it were assembled in Mexico!

(whispers) "D" batteries. Where's the actual robot?

(normal voice) I don't know. Glad I drove to three stores looking for it.

Yo.

Hey. What's that all over your vest?

Oh. Nacho cheese. I'm practically running that place.

Hey, Axl, I finally heard about the day I was born. Sweet!

Now I can finally go swimming at the Fergusons. (Mouths word)

Fergusons? Who are the Fergusons?

Damn it, Axl! You had to blow it!

He bought it! We were in the clear.

It had heart. It had funny. Great attention to detail.

I mean, come on!

The sauerkraut by the sink? I pulled that out of my...

You had to make up a story where I look like an idiot? (Sighs)

I won't pay 10 bucks for parking? I'm cheap and a wuss?

This is a football scar. From football. Not passing out. This is the unicorn all over again.

I don't pass out. The people at work know I've never passed out. A courtesy text would've been nice! I'm not a mind reader.

You made all that up? Alright.

No one gets out of this room until I get the real story... the true, non-made-up, actual, fact-based story.

I'm waiting.

(sighs)

(clicks tongue)

Alright, Brick.

We'll tell you the real story of the day you were born.

I am gonna need a beer for this.

So that was that then.

We were finally gonna tell Brick the truth.

Okay, Brick... (sighs) It happened this way.

It was raining and snowing... one of those weird lndiana snow-rains that we get now and then.

Don't worry. Your mother's picking up Sue from ballet and taking her to her piano lesson tomorrow.

Man, Sue is so good at everything.

I don't know how she's gonna narrow it down when she gets older. Oh. Here's another one. Ooh.

Wow. (Chuckles and gasps) Look at this room.

Oh. It's almost as big as our house.

The TV's almost as big as our house.

Oh. Fruit basket. Hey. (chuckles)

(gasps) Look at all those magazines!

Am I gonna be sharing this room with someone else?

No.

You reserved the entire suite for yourself, Mrs. Ferguson.

Wait, we're not the f...

You know, I really could use another pillow. (Grunts)

No problem.

What'd you do that for?

(lowered voice) Why should we say anything?

Because the Fergusons are gonna need this room.

Oh, it's my third kid, Mike.

I'll pop this one out before they know it.

(normal voice) Come on. For once in my life, Let me experience the horrors of childbirth in luxury.

Here ya go. It's a new kind of foam That cradles your head like a marshmallow.

Ohh. (Whispers) Special for this suite.

Mmm. (Normal voice) Now if she needs anything else, Just come get me, Mr. Ferguson.

We could use a couple more bananas in the fruit basket.

Mm.

(squeals)

(chuckles)

You took the Fergusons' room? That's terrible!

Yes, it is. Should we just stop here?

Let's just power through to the end.

(sighs) So a quick 27 hours later, During which your dad was very manly and did not pass out, I was holding my sweet, new baby boy in my arms.

(whistle blows, man speaking indistinctly)

Hi, Brick.

You still sure about that name?

Oh, yeah.

I told you, I read where kids with interesting names grow up to be interesting people. (singsongy) How ya doin', mom?

I know you don't want to give him up for even a second, But I need to take him for his heel prick test.

(gasps) Ohh.

(coos)

Would you like to come watch, Mr. Ferguson?

Mr. Ferguson?

(man speaking indistinctly)

Oh. Sorry.

(clears throat)

4th and goal.

(cart rattles)

Everything looks good.

You can take him back up now.

Great. Yeah! Interception.

(man speaking indistinctly)

(cart rattles)

Mike: The little cards didn't help.

They both said "Ferguson."

I guess they got our crappy room, but I wasn't gonna ask.

(lowered voice) Brick? Brick!

I was pretty sure I picked the right one, but I knew your mom would notice if I brought back the wrong baby.

Oh, there's my beautiful boy. (coos)

Frankie: And that's how we ended up taking home Blake Ferguson.

You brought home the wrong baby?

How could you not know it wasn't me? I figured your mom would know.

Mothers are supposed to know those things. Oh, so it's my fault?

You're the one that had to watch the game. I was all drugged up.

They could've put a turkey in my arms. I would've taken it home.

I would just like to point out that I was only five...

Technically, one.

I'm part of the cover-up, but I was not part of the crime.

Blake was cool. You could feed him anything.

Wait. How long until you realized you had the wrong baby?

Pretty soon... After.

Really soon.

A day? (mouths word)

Two days?

(mumbles) A month.

What?

A month.

A month?

(normal voice) Give or take a day.

You didn't know it was me for a whole month?

But you're my parents! How could you not tell?

Brick, all newborns look the same, but eventually we figured it out, You know, after the authorities called.

So you're telling me I spent the first month of my life...

The most important month...

Bonding with the Fergusons?

Hey, I know how it sounds, but it's not that bad.

You know, you were the first for the Fergusons, so they put a lot of effort into you. (mouths word) But we really are sorry, Brick.

For all of it.

(sighs)

Mother, father, Thank you for your delayed honesty.

I'll be in my... Formerly Blake's... room.

Well, that went well.

It was two days, and Brick still hadn't come out of his room.

Brick? I got your favorites... Books and waffs.

(sighs)

Okay.

I'm just gonna leave them outside your door.

(sighs) love you.

(Door creaks)

(door creaks)

No time for a plate. I got a work emergency.

Wait. Has Brick talked to you at all? How's he feeling?

About what? About the weather. What do you think?

About us bringing home the wrong baby!

I don't know.

I can't run a movie theater and raise your kids. (Sighs)

(gasps) Axl! Help!

Alright. What's the 9-1-1?

The candy counter.

What? I restocked it yesterday. Oh, my God!

(purring) I forgot to close up last night.

You gotta help me, Axl. I'll get in trouble.

I've never been in trouble before. Is it bad?

Yes! And maybe you should get in trouble!

Hell, I'd make a better manager than you, and I'm really, really lazy.

Please, Axl! I'll go out with you.

No! And button up, for God's sake. This is a family theater.

(scoffs)

(door closes)

(exhales deeply)

I am so confused.

I just did the weirdest thing.

Yeah? What'd you do?

I turned down a date with a super hot girl.

What is wrong with me?

Maybe you're just run-down.

No. It's weird, 'cause when I'm not around her, I'm always thinking about her.

Like, always. (Chuckles)

Always.

I get it.

But... but then when I am with her, I just... I can't stand her, 'cause she's just so... Dumb.

Ah.

Dumb trumped hot.

Wha... Huh?

You're growing up, Axl.

Today you learned that there are more important things than just a pretty face.

Whoa. Uh, it's just so hard for me to wrap my brain around that.

I know, but at some point as a man you realize, you want to be with someone you can have a conversation with, you can laugh with, that being with someone just 'cause they're hot... it's not enough.

(loudly) 'Course I lucked out and got the whole package. She's not here, dad.

Okay. The point is, I'm proud of you. (sighs) I don't want you to be proud of me.

I wanna want the hot chick. I know you do, and a part of you always will.

(loudly) Not me, though. I'm very happy.

(normal voice) Thought I heard the door.

Sometimes we discover things about ourselves that surprise us, but it's how we handle the surprise that matters.

After careful consideration, I've come to realize something.

(clears throat)

I have the coolest birthday story ever.

(sighs) Oh. (chuckles)

Axl and Sue only get one day. I have a whole month.

(sighs) You know, Brick, what I didn't get to tell you the other day was that the moment I held you in my arms...

The second time... Mm-hmm.

I knew you were mine.

Aw.

Blake Ferguson's got nothing on you.

Even his name... Blake. It's boring.

(chuckles) It's not Brick, I'll tell ya that.

Hey, everyone makes mistakes, even me.

Remember that mysteriously broken lamp you grounded Axl for?

I walked into it while reading.

I was also the one who put the plastic bag in the garbage disposal.

It wasn't an accident.

I just wanted to see what would happen.

But I know you forgive me, as I forgive you.

Ah.

Oh, and, um...

Here's a list of additional birthday gifts I'd like.

The pony doesn't have to be black, just not white.

The white ones are impossible to keep clean.

There's over 50 things on here.

You don't have to get 'em all now.

You can take a month... Give or take a day.