02x11 - Taking Back the House

[bunniefuu]

(Crows cawing)

Frankie: There's something scary going on in houses all over America.

Nobody's talking about it, but it's happening.

(Doorknob rattles)

(Door creaking)

I can't sleep.

I'll go.

That's right. I'm talking about the 3:00 A.M. shuffle.

If you're a parent and you've never done it, you're lying. (Sighs)

(Grunts)

(Groans)

(Mattress creaking)

Yep, there's something scary going on in houses all over America, and we're putting up with it.

Bob: You all right? Ugh. Brick got into our bed last night, and I had to sleep on the couch again. Well, the weekend's coming up.

You can catch up on your Z's then.

No. Brick's got a book fair he needs to get to, and Sue needs jeggings... whatever those are... and Axl has a science project due Monday and needs a poster board and an idea.

What are you and Mike doing? Uh, that.

Can't you just tell them "No"?

Bob, Bob, Bob. You so don't have kids.

That I know of. (Chuckles)

What you doin'?

Well, cross-country is over, and like a caterpillar, I've shed my sweatshirt to emerge reborn for the next challenge that lies ahead.

I'm trying to decide what to try out for next.

Ohh.

So what do you think... cheerleading?

What else? Basketball?

Next. Synchronized swimming?

Keep goin'. The everybody-makes-it lunchroom follies?

Hello. Now that one there seems interesting.

It's just this talent show thing at lunchtime.

I don't even think there are tryouts or anything.

You just sign up. I'm really liking the sound of that.

(Door opens) I made dinner! Come get your bags!

In here. Okay, here you go.

We've got tacos, burgers and fries, sub shop.

I thought we were getting a bucket of chicken.

I wanted chicken. I know. I wanted chicken, too, but then the kids called and they all wanted something different, so I went to three different drive-thrus, and I wasn't about to go to a fourth place just for us, so we got this. What's this?

Chinese chicken salad from the taco place. This isn't chicken. Chicken comes in a bucket.

Way to go, mom! They forgot my shake!

(Sighs) No. Are you serious? They didn't put it in?

The whole reason I wanted you to go there was for the shake!

I dip my fries in the shake! Fine. I'll go back.

Wait. No, hold on, Frankie. This is crazy.

You just got home. You went to three different places.

You're not going back out. I'll do it.

Sue: Can I have pop from the taco place?

Brick: I'll take more fries!

Wait. What are we doing here, Mike?

What? Uh, shake, more fries, a pop from the taco place, not the burger place. I got it.

When did this happen? When did the kids become our bosses?

Brick: Napkins!

Bob was right. What about us?

We never do anything for ourselves anymore.

We're always catering to them.

As soon as I said it, I realized it was true.

Somewhere along the way, we had become second-class citizens in our own house.

(Sighs) Sue, how many times do I have to tell you to take your backpack to your room?

I'm not doing it for you!

(Crowd cheering on TV) Is "Wizards of Waverly Place" over yet?

(Sue and Brick) No!

Oh, thank God. A rest stop. Pull over. I really gotta go.

We are not stopping! We're only 52 Miles from home, mom!

(Shouts indistinctly) Fine. If traffic's good, I think I can hold it.

(Sighs)

We're pathetic, Mike. Pathetic.

Our parents would have never put up with this.

Hmm. I hated green peppers, but my mom always made me eat them, 'cause that's what we had.

On Thursdays, I had to choke down those green peppers.

My dad watched "The Hoosier Farm Report" every night.

And guess what I watched? "The Hoosier Farm Report."

And here's our kids stretched out on our couch, watching our big TV, eating like kings, and we're standing here hunched over the counter, eating crappy shreds of chicken from the taco place.

How did we let this happen? When did this start?

I don't know. But I'll tell you when it stops.

No, no. That clock is broken. Axl was playing ball in the house after I told him not to.

(Donkey braying on TV)

What are you doing? I'll tell you what we're doing.

We're taking back the house. (TV clicks off)

Come on. Get up. Hey, we were here first.

You were? Because I don't remember seeing you in 1991 when I bought this house. "Taking back the house"... what does that even mean?

It means that we've been letting you get away with way too much, but that is over. It's our house, our TV, and we're gonna watch what we wanna watch.

What, you mean like after our show is over? No, I mean like right now.

So we're doing picture-in-picture? We call the big picture.

No, you do not get a picture. You are out of the picture. Well, we... but...

Ahh! But... but what are... what are we supposed to do?

We'll be... bored.

We don't care. That's the beauty of it. Mm-hmm.

This is unfair. You're parents.

It's your job to put your kids first.

Who says? (Scoffs) I'll tell you who says. "The Giving Tree."

You're the ones who read us the book.

The tree gave up all its leaves and... and its apples and its branches, and it let the little boy cut it down so it could be a canoe, and it didn't complain and go nuts and kick anyone off the TV.

No! It wanted to be a stump! It was happy!

(Chuckles) I don't think he was happy.

I don't think he had the guts to do what we're doing... say "No."

Well, your dad and I aren't stumps.

Not anymore.

That night, we slept better than we had in weeks.

(Doorknob rattles) And the next day, I took it further and started a little extreme home makeover of my own.

Oh, hey, honey. How was school?

What's going on? What is this?

Oh, I'm taking back my house. I thought that was just yesterday!

(Chuckles) No, no.

I have tripped over my last tennis ball.

I have sat on my last joystick.

You guys are gonna start keeping all your crap in your rooms.

So dig in this pile for what's yours, 'cause anything that's left is going in the trash.

Oh, my God. What did you do to the family room?

What did you do to the family room?!

You like it? I've always wanted it this way.

No, I don't like it.

It's like you're trying to pretend you never had us!

Dad, look what she did to the family room.

Oh, hey. Looks great.

I know, right? We actually have a pretty nice family room.

I'm not embarrassed to have people over anymore.

Don't worry. We're not having people over.

Can one of you take me to the library?

Brick, do you not even notice what they did?

Oh.

Weird. So can one of you take me to the library?

I feel like reading about Peru.

No, Brick, sorry. Can't.

Actually, won't. (Chuckles)

I just got home from work and I am going to eat my pizza, for once, while it's still hot.

That is really annoying.

If you're really dying to find out about Peru, look it up online.

But I like books. I like the feel of paper in my hands.

Well, I like the feel of pizza in my hand, so nobody's taking you anywhere right now.

God, if you don't want to do anything for us, why'd you even have kids? 'Cause babies are cute.

If you'd had come out teenagers, we might've had to rethink. (Chuckles)

Great. You guys got the wrong pizza.

It has yellow things all over it. What is this?

(Gasps) Pineapple pizza! Oh, Mike.

Still good, huh? Mwah.

I still don't get it. Why are you doing this?

What is this about? You trying to teach us some kind of lesson?

Axl, you really think we have nothing better to do than sit around, thinking up lessons to teach you?

This isn't about you. Your mom and I love this pizza, and we never get it. Now we're getting it. But we don't like this pizza.

You'll eat what we provide. In the wild, when the lion brings back the zebra he just k*lled, the cubs don't get to say... (Whiny voice)

"We don't like zebra. We wanted wildebeest."

When the lion brings back zebra, everybody eats zebra.

But I don't like zebra! I want wildebeest!

Well, all we've got is zebra. But the zebra has pineapple on it.

Wait. Who's the lion in this story?

I'm the lion.

I'm the lion in all the stories.

What are you doing?

We're afraid to go in. We don't feel welcome.

They're not backing down, Axl.

I don't even know who they are anymore.

(Sighs)

You know, Carly and I are working on this dance for the lunchtime follies, right? And we saw these polka-dot umbrellas at the mall that are, like, essential to the number. So I called mom and asked if she could pick one up on her way home from work.

She said "No." I should just use whatever we have in the closet. That's nothing.

Today she doesn't remind me to bring my lunch, and then when I text her, she refuses to bring it to school.

I had no lunch. No lunch!

No one's taken me to the library in two days!

Well, just complaining about it's not gonna help us.

The more we complain, the stronger they get, and the longer they live.

The lnternet has no paper. It doesn't smell like paper.

It doesn't feel like paper.

Okay, here's the plan... we're taking back the house from them taking back the house.

You see, it's a double takeback.

Starting today, we're not gonna react.

We're just gonna play along. They'll never know what hit 'em.

Hey, Axl. What you watching?

It's Southern belle week on "Say yes to the dress."

Everyone's from the South. Oh, awesome! Mind if I join?

Mm.

Man: Last week on "Say yes to the dress"...

Oh! Can't do it. (Groans)

(Exhales deeply) No.

Yep, it was a strange new world.

And Brick knew if he had a hope of surviving in it, he was gonna have to adapt.

"P"...

"E"...

"R"...

"U."

(Heavenly choir vocalizing)

You may think Mike and I were crazy for what we were doing, but the only crazy thing is we hadn't done it sooner.

♪ I was dreaming of the night ♪

(Little River Band's "Reminiscing" playing)

♪ Would it turn out right? ♪

Mom, can you please change the station? I can, but I won't.

(Volume increases)

♪ I wanna build my world around you ♪

Is that the last cookie? Yep, it is.

Dad. (Mouth full) My mistake. There's one more.

(Chuckles)

Mom, dad, a Nigerian prince desperately needs our help.

There's a coup, and he needs our bank account information in order to transfer millions of dollars out of his country.

In exchange for our help, he'll give us $3,000!

Hurry! The bank closes in half an hour.

It's a scam, Brick.

Not everything on the lnternet is true.

So there's not beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me?

I have to update my blog.

Oh, sh**t! My bus is outside, and nobody packed me a snack!

I need a paper towel roll for science!

Good luck with that.

(Groans) Fine! Just sit there sipping your coffee while we run around! That's the plan.

(Groans)

You know, I'm pretty sure we could sue you for this.

I... well, Brick... found this web site with a lawyer who will take our case for 29 bucks, and I'm pretty confident we would win. Oh, no. I hope I don't lose custody.

(Scoffs) Mom, about the polka-dot umbrella...

No. (Shrieks)

(Rapid beeping)

Brick! (Beeping continues)

Huh? Brick, what are you doing? You have school.

(Beeping stops) I woke up in the middle of the night, and you won't let me in your bed, so I came in here to look up Native Americans, which linked me to the Albuquerque balloon festival, which linked me to stars, which linked me to "Us" magazine, and it took me all night to finish clicking on who wore it best. Well, that's just great. You missed the bus.

I voted for Ashley Tisdale, but now I'm second-guessing myself.

I should make up a new user name and vote for Scarlett Johansson instead.

It's hard 'cause they both wore it well.

(Whispers) Scarlett Johansson.

(Normal voice) I'll meet you in the car.

Unh-unh. I'm not driving. You've got feet.

You're gonna use 'em. Actions have consequences.

Maybe not before, but they do now.

(Sighs)

Frankie, what's going on? I saw brick walking to school.

He said he missed the bus and you wouldn't drive him. That is correct.

Oh, no. Are you and Mike having problems? Did you lose your job?

Are you drinking mouthwash to get drunk in the middle of the day? No. Mike and I have decided not to be stumps anymore.

If Brick misses the bus, he has to walk to school.

Oh, look! The Little River Band cover band is playing at t.J. Schnauser's on Wednesday.

I love Little River Band.

Me, too. Mike and I used to make out to them when we made out.

On a Wednesday night? Yeah. We'll get Sean and Axl to babysit.

Oh, it would be so much fun.

I haven't been to a concert since the state fair. I don't know if Sean will want to.

That is stump mentality.

We put a roof over their heads and food on their table.

We will tell them they are babysitting.

Are you with me, Nancy?

We're not just gonna take back our house.

We're gonna take back our lives.

♪

(Song ends, cheering)

Wow! They were awesome!

You'd never know the Little River Band cover band is not the Little River Band. Yeah.

Why haven't we done this before?

We should! We should do this every Wednesday.

Mike, we're doing it every Wednesday. Beer and dollar wings?

Hell, yeah, we're doing it every Wednesday.

(Laughter) Oh, no more for us. We gotta head home.

What?!

Frankie: What? No!

You can't leave now.

They haven't even done "Lonesome Loser."

You can't leave before "Lonesome Loser."

It's just, we told Dottie and Shelly we'd be home in time for their bedtime ritual.

They love the way Ron says "Good night" in the voice of their lambie pie.

(Chuckles) I say... (Shaky voice) Good night.

(Chuckles) It's like a sheep. They like it.

Oh, come on. You should at least stay and... (Cell phone alert chimes)

Oh, sh**t. I have to go, too.

Ugh. What? Nicole's texting me. She needs help with her homework.

People, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

You are allowed to put your own happiness first once in a while. Is that true?

Yeah. Yes! We took our lives back a week ago, and it has been like being on vacation in Paris or Myrtle Beach. It's that good.

And just last night, we kissed... on a Tuesday.

(Cell phone alert chimes) She's asking if we've left yet.

Think about when you were kids.

Did your parents spend their whole weekend entertaining you?

Did they cater to your every whim? No.

Somewhere along the way, we all started drinking the Kool-Aid. And how about all the weekends we spent with the kids at the zoo?

They don't remember any of it. Might as well take 'em to a bar. We took Sean to the space needle.

He said it was boring. (Cell phone alert chimes)

Oh, God, now she's texting me. (Sighs)

Algebra homework. I hate algebra.

What are we gonna do? Shh! Let me think.

What is there to think about? You did your homework.

You studied algebra. You made the bus.

And now it's our time to take a night out for ourselves to just dance to the sweet sounds of the Little River Band cover band.

Are you joining the revolution or not?

I'm texting her back "No." (Beep)

I'm shaking. (Laughs)

What did she text back? (Beep)

I don't know. I'm turning it off.

Whoo! (Cheering)

♪ Have you heard about the lonesome loser? ♪

(Cheering)

♪ Beaten by the... ♪

We're changing the world, Mike, one couple at a time!

♪ Have you heard about the lonesome loser? ♪
♪ he's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin' ♪

(Laughing)

(Hums)

I can't believe you are just getting home!

It is 10:20!

Wow! (Laughs) No wonder I'm so tired. (Laughs)

You leave me alone with Sue and Brick.

They won't go to bed. You're out doing God knows what, and I just don't understand what do you wanna hear? I appreciate you. I'm bad.

You're good. I haven't been focusing enough on my grades.

I should call grandma, clean my bed, pick up my pants.

What? What do you want from me? Just tell me, and I'll do it so we can go back to our normal lives.

Okay, Axl. Well, uh... Here's the truth.

This whole thing has been about... um... your grades.

Thank you.

God! You're always on me about my grades! Ugh!

Mom, dad...

The follies are tomorrow, and I just have to have that polka-dot umbrella, 'cause the twins are gonna have matching sparkle scrunchies for their act... go to bed, Sue.

(Gasps)

Brick! Bed.

Brick: Okay! Hold on! I'm just bidding on a speedboat!

I think I'm gonna get it!

Mornin'.

Whew! Was I drumming last night?

My wrist hurts.

No, you slipped in Nancy's vomit.

(Gasps) Ohh. You know, I don't think we're gonna be able to do this every Wednesday. Hmm.

Did you guys know that you can find anything on the lnternet?

And I mean anything?

Like what exactly?

Like, I looked up "Moby d*ck," the hard edition.

Oh. You didn't.

And you can't believe what came up. Oh, I'm afraid we can.

All these first editions and stuff.

It's all right there on rareprintbooks.com.

Oh. See? Oh. Good for you, Brick.

That's what the lnternet is for... books. (Exhales deeply)

Oh, and then I met some guy online who wants to meet me at the park.

Maybe we should have taken him to the library.

Sue: I can either bring a black umbrella or a Hello Kitty one.

No, it's okay, Carly. They don't have to match.

Well, I have a pink raincoat.

Maybe I can cut it into dots and staple it on.

I know it's not exactly what we wanted, but our dancing will make up for it.

Frankie, be strong.

(Gasps) I am. I totally am.

The truth is, I sort of felt bad.

But it was ridiculous. What was I gonna do... go late to work so I could drive by the mall and buy a stupid polka-dot umbrella for a one-time lunch performance?

Yes, I was.

(Gasps) Oh, my gosh! Thank you! Thank you so much!

You're the best mom ever! Oh! (Laughs) Honey, you're welcome.

Hey, listen, we don't need to tell your dad about this.

Got it. I gotta go find Carly and tell her!

Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up there, mister.

You're a little too big to hide.

Aha. Wow. Look what we have here.

Looks like what we have here is a stump.

Oh, I'm the stump? No, you're the stump.

I can't believe that you would do this.

Then you go behind my back and get the umbrella for her so that I look like the bad guy?

You mean like you went behind my back? Stump?

(Sighs) Okay, look, we were weak, but this doesn't mean that we still can't be strong in the future.

No, this is a one-time thing. It's just an umbrella.

It's not like we're giving up on the whole revolution.

And now we own the umbrella.

I mean, after the show, we can still use it.

Yeah. I mean, you can't have too many umbrellas. Never. And just 'cause we're giving up on this, doesn't mean we... we gave in on everything. Oh, no, it's not like it's the beginning of the end.

It was the beginning of the end.

In a few weeks, we had slipped back into old habits.

Yay, cheese! Don't worry. The pineapple slice is for your dad and me.

What? I love pineapple on pizza now.

(Chuckles)

Oh, what's the matter, sweetie? You want your binky?

Your bottle?

Tell me what you want, and I will get it for you.

Stop. Don't do it. Give him what you want him to have.

It's too late for me, but you're just starting out.

It's not too late for you.

Tell your friends. Spread the word.

She won't.

Brick: Mom!

Coming!

So why do we keep running around, doing for our kids, even when it makes our lives hard?

♪

'Cause we love them, and it makes you happy to make them happy.

Damn it. That's how they getcha.

Man: ♪ you happen to be dancing the tango ♪

Frankie: At least in the end, it's worth it.

Man: ♪ umbrellas are impossible things ♪
♪ they're hard to handle and they sway ♪