06x00 - The Three Wise Men

[bunniefuu]

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE]

Well, no holiday humbugs here.

Nots a curmudgeons in sights.

Not a whiff of poop-pantsery.

What movies you picks out for
Christmas this year, Miss Katys?

We'll table it. DARYL: Yeah,
let's put a pin in it for later.

DAN: We'll circles back.

I, to the f*ck'...

Love Christmas.

You know, I'm almost glad
that it's already Christmas Eve

and I don't have
to hear you say that

a baker's dozen
times a day anymore.

Got all your presents wrapped
for Christmas there, good buddies?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's
tradition, so, yeah.

Well, I'd have a beer. Katy,
have a beer? I'd have a beer.

DARYL: Dan, have a
beer? I'ds have a beer.

Wayne, have a beer? No! No beer.

Why? The party
hasn't started yet.

Christmas drinks
only. It's tradition and...

ALL: You don't
f*ck with tradition.

Especially on Christmas.
Katy, where's the box?

A bit f*ck' gnar that we keep
these bottles in this box here

and only bring 'em
out one time a year.

Well, there's a
good reason for it.

I mean, who wants to drink...

Butter Ripple Schnapps.

Well, whoever's having a
Nativity barn burner, likely.

And who wants to
drinks Blue Curacao?

Whoever's having a
Mrs. Clause, mo' likely.

And who wants to
drink Creme de Menthe?

Whoever's having a
Naughty or Spice... likely.

I could whip up some Santa-gria.

Mix 'em all together for
a good old Jingle Juice.

No, Jingle Juice makes spit.

No spitting.

We keep it classy till
midnight for the main event.

Oh, no, American whiskey.

Oh, no, Irish whiskey.

Canadian Rye
whiskey, I say f*ck' eh!

A shot of each at midnight for
the infamous Three Wise Men.

Everyone hammers one...
Three, if we're splitting hairs.

Everyone hammers all three
back-to-back-to-back at the stroke of midnight.

Encourages everyone
to keep it classy till then.

To be fair...

[TO THE TUNE OF
"SILENT NIGHT"] To be fair

To be fair,

this garbage assortment of drinks
would encourage anyone to pace it.

It's spit o'clock if
you're not careful.

We have kind of a tough parties
to only have the one bathrooms for.

I piss outside as
much as the dog does.

Do you wanna know what? Is there
any talk of this maybe being the, uh...

best Christmas party ever? Or...

You know, I, uh...

I may have, uh, heard, uh...
heard a bit of talking about that.

Hearin' some of that talk. I
been hearing a little bit about,

oh, maybe it's a
little bit of bad gas

traveling a little bit
fast in a town like this.

You hearing a little
something like that?

Oh, I been hearing
the peoples are a talking

and talkings are all peoples.

[ALL LAUGH]

Well, pitter-patter,
let's get Advent...

'er.

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL CHATTERING]

Merry Christmas.

Wayne? Bonnie.

Like how my outfits?

"Fit" is a term you use
loosely, but I like the spirit.

Thank you, Wayne.
You're up first for gifts.

You got me a present?

Oh, yup, yup, yup.
It's tradition, so, yeah.

I'm tickled you thought of me.

Proving it's the
thought that counts.

A disposable camera!

Mmm-hmm. Every good
party ought to have one, I think.

You know, getting photos
developed after the fact is always fun

because you don't know
what you're gonna get.

It's like reaching
into a treat bag blind.

Could be a Sour Key or
could be a SweeTART.

Thank you, Wayne.
You're welcome, Bonnie.

Maybe I could be your
little helper elf tonight?

Well, you're conveniently
dressed for the part,

but I'm not Santa Claus
so I'll respectfully decline.

Let me know if you
change your mind. I will.

Good enough.
Let's break the seal.

Okey-doke!

Say, Bonnie, you hearing any
talk of this maybe being the, uh...

BOTH: Best Christmas party ever?

[BOTH MUTTER PLAYFULLY]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[CLOCK TICKING]

[MAN RETCHING]

Christmas toast and Three Wise
Men at midnight! Keep it classy 'til then!

[RETCHING CONTINUES]

I piss outside as
much as the dog does.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

I would hate to mistle-take
this opportunity, Stewart,

but I believe this is mistletoe.

Oh, no... Oh!

Merry Christmas.

WAYNE: Merry Christmas, Coach.

You got me a present?

Oh yeah. Yup, yup.
It's tradition, so, yup.

A chimney cleaning log.

Now, you'll wanna burn
that every 60 fires or so.

Reduces your creosote
build-up by 70%,

and creosote's what
causes chimney fires.

So you'll wanna nip
that in the bud, f*ck.

Kinda reminds me
of my late wife, Barb.

We had a Christmas
tradition ourselves.

My lover and I would spend
Christmas Eve together,

as lovers do.

We would make love for
hours in front of the fire.

Well, there you go.

I haven't been
touched by a lover

since my late wife Barb died.

And I miss the touch of a lover.

To be honest,

it's hard to find a good lover.

Well, I'm sure you'd
find another... person.

Barb was a tremendous lover.

She used to say
that the best part

about my body was
my legs. [CHUCKLES]

To be honest, the best part
about her was her legs too.

Well, it sounds like she
was a wonderful... woman.

Big t*ts.

Sorry? You never noticed?

No. You never
noticed Barb's knocks?

No! [SIGHS]

I would lay her down
at night and I would, like,

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?"

"Big old b*ner in my underwear."

She could make an
ocean-fearing man go boating.

Well, folks love boating, so...

[SIGHS] She used to take my
member in her tiny little fingers,

just roll it so gently,

like she was holding a soft
cinnamon twist, you know.

Just getting it
ready for the oven.

Yup, well, that's
where those go, so...

Then, when the moment was right,

[WHISTLES, CLICKS
TONGUE] I'd enter her.

Bonnie!

We'd thrust against each other,

you know, the sound of
waves on a fresh water lake

just lapping against the shore.

[MIMICS WAVES]

We'd sing...

Christmas lover

I'm inside her

Can you feel it?

Can you smell it?

Coach, why don't you... Why
don't you come on in here and we'll...

jump in a photo real quick?
[CONTINUES SINGING]

Sure.

Christmas lover...

Bonnie, how're you
now? Good, and you?

Oh, I'm not so bad. Listen, I'm thinking
I might need a helper elf after all.

Mind if I take you
up late on your offer?

I've been waiting for you to
take me up late for years, Wayne.

Tanis!

[CLOCK TICKING]

[RETCHING]

Did I miss the
Jingles Juice again?

Okay, looks likes I'm pissing
outside again, just as Gods intendeds.

Don't forget the
Christmas toast,

Three Wise Mens at midnights!

f*ck' pace
yourselves! Figure it outs.

[RETCHING CONTINUES]

Say, Tanis, are you
hearing any talk about this

maybe being the, uh...

The, uh, salliest
Christmas party ever?

It's festive. Is that what the
kids are calling it these days?

Merry Christmas.

You got me a gift?

Yup, yup, yup, yup. It's
tradition, so, you know.

What is it? Open it.

[WHINES] I can't,
my nails aren't dry.

Serious?

Good enough.

What's that? An apron.

Yeah, I can see
it's an apron. Okay.

Why would you buy
a woman an apron?

Oh, I thought it was
clever, with the text.

What do I look like, my duda?

I've not had the pleasure.

What was the runner-up to that,
vacuum cleaner bags or something?

Oven mitts. Oven mitts?

Yes. They said, "Hot
stuff coming through."

[SCOFFS] Might
as well just said,

"Get in the kitchen and
cook my dinner, woman."

Well, that's not
clever, with the text.

You know, you're sending a really
chauvinistic message there, bud.

Well, it's not what I meant.
What'd you mean then?

Meant to say you're
a good f*cking cook!

But you don't like dudes
hanging out around your grill

while you're cooking,
so I thought it was clever.

The text.

[SIGHS] Ugh.

Done being a cow now, or...

Yeah.

I'm sorry, boo. I just... I'm
a little sensitive sometimes.

It's all right. Everybody's a little
bit sensitive these days, f*ck.

I know, right? So f*cking g*y.

So...

is there, um...

any strings attached
to this apron?

Almost certainly.

Oh... Too bad.

BONNIE: Say cheese.

Merry Christmas, Tanis. Next!

[CLOCK TICKING]

[RETCHING]

Let me remind whoever's
sprinting in there,

that this is a marathon.

Three Wise Men at
midnight! Don't forget!

[COUGHING]

Guess I'll head outside and
practice my f*cking wall sit!

[RETCHING] f*ck!

Good weave. Thank you.

Hey, why don't
we watch a classic?

Rudolph the Red-Nose
Reindeer, circa 1964.

Ugh. No! Santa was
such a d*ck in that movie.

Yeah, a r*cist d*ck, which
I, sir, have no time for.

Did you just call
Santa a r*cist?

The landscape's not the only
thing whitewashed at the North Pole.

Yeah. And then Santa tells
Rudolph that his nose makes him sick.

And then makes him cover it up.

[BOTH SCOFF]

Clear sign of prejudice, Katy.

Guys, it was a
different time, you know.

It was made in the
'60s, right, Coach?

How old do you think I am?

How long can society keep
making that excuse, Katy?

Yeah, and the mental abuse.

Physical, too. One is
rarely far from the other.

TANIS: And then Santa has
the Timbits to ask Rudolph

to guide him around the whole
world to every f*cking house?

[ALL SCOFF]

Rudolph got to guide Santa's sleigh.
I mean, that's all he ever wanted.

That's not all he wanted, Katy!

What else did he want?

Uh, reparations.

DARYL: You know what bugged
me most about that movie?

Is that the elf's biggest
dream was to become a dentist.

Not a race car driver, not
an astronaut, but a dentist.

Pull your finger out
of your a*s, f*cking elf.

Highest suicide rate
of any profession.

Christmas cheer just
hitting a real fever pitch now.

WAYNE: Gail!

Merry Christmas, Gailer.
What's in your jeans, bud?

'Kay.

Got me a present?

Oh, yup, yup. Yeah.
Yeah. It's tradition, so, yup.

Mmm. Uncle Eddie.

Good guy, eh? He's a great guy.

I figured you could
hang that behind the bar.

[MOANING] Uncle Eddie!

Know what? He's not
your uncle, so I don't know,

maybe stop saying that on account of
you taking him down once, you know.

Mmm, I lied.

It was more than
once. Oh, Jesus.

A geri-care fetish ain't nothing
to be ashamed of, Wayne.

Young is fun, but old is bold.

Face like an old roadmap.

Didn't mind those
dentures either.

Wish I could pop
mine out like that

for a handful of reasons.

Oh, bother!

Mmm-hmm! Uncle Eddie!

He's not your uncle.

I was on his naughty
list his last year,

and he spanked me with his cane

like the bad niece that I am.

Christ's sake, Gail,
he's not your... Wait.

Was that part of the
whole... Never mind. Bonnie!

[GRUNTS] Beat me. Beat...

[CLOCK TICKING]

[RETCHING]

Three Wise Men at
midnight, peasant!

[RETCHING CONTINUES]

[TRUMPETING POORLY]

Wanna give it a toot? No.

Wanna give it a
toot-toot? That'll do, Glen.

Wayne, you're wasting those
lips which were made for didging,

and God gave them
to you. Have a toot!

Glen! Wayne!

What?

Can I be honest about something?

You should always be honest.

I'm a little bit sad. Uh-oh.

What happened was I had a
sermon all cooked up for tonight,

but then the church elders
went ahead and voted

to have a guest minister
come in instead of me!

Who is it? That Reverend Bolio?

Yeah. Reverend
Beaulieu. Yeah, that's him.

He's a good guy.
Yeah, he's all right.

Wayne, we are
gathered here today

in the presence of Christ,
and look at this place.

Look at what you have done!

All the invitations, the
decorations, it's very festive.

That's what I said.
I said it's festive.

Is that what the kids
are calling it these days?

Thanks so much
for the gift, boo.

Sorry I was being
a cow. [KISSES]

Wayne, Christmas is
not in the presents, it's in...

His presence.

Oh, that's clever. Yeah. Right?

I'd like to see
Reverend Beaulieu

come up with anything
like that good. [SNORTS]

In summation,
Christ is the only gift.

The only gift,
or... The only gift!

Oh, so you don't want this gift?

Oh, my gourd, is
that a gift for me?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's tradition so, you know.

Oh, it says "Glen." That's me.

That's so nice, and it says,
"Dear GI..." No, nothing.

Okay, that's fine, too.

You don't have to write a
personal message or anything.

That's the nicest part, usually.

That's what my mama always said.

"The nice part is the card. Always
write a nice little card for people.

"" Cause anyone can buy a gift,

"not everyone can write their feelings
down on a card and get all sweet."

[GASPS]

A pitch pipe! For
you and your band.

The Salty Treats? Okay?

Uh, we broke up. What happened?

You heard those stories
about Fleetwood Mac

and how they'd blow cocaine up
each other's poopers with straws?

No. Oh.

Were youse doing that or...

[CHUCKLES] I don't know.

No, we weren't. [SIGHS]

One of the Treats ended up with
another one of the Treat's sweetie,

and they stuffed each other's
stockings. So, pffft, we're all done.

Well, there you go. And
Wayne, you're adorable.

But why would you give
me a pitch pipe, of all people?

Me, who was blessed by the
Lord himself with perfect pitch,

to aid in the delivery
of His message.

Listen. [BLOWS PIPE]

[VOCALIZES SAME PITCH]

[BLOWS PIPE, VOCALIZES PITCH]

[BLOWS PIPE, VOCALIZES
WITH TREMOLO]

Oh! Oh!

The spirit of Christmas,
it's now inside of me, Wayne.

Oh! Can we
celebrate with a song?

No. Oh.

What about a
Psalm? No, thank you.

A hymn for Him?

Glen, why don't we just do a photo
and we can keep this rig rolling?

Okay. I don't mind that either.

Just let me get in the proper
Santa and the elf position here.

Oh, that's it. Oh,
that's nice, Wayne.

Make sure the didge is in.

[BLOWS PIPE]

[BLOWS PIPE]

Next!

[TOILET FLUSHING]

Hey, buddy. Hey, bro.

What's up, buddy?
Having a spit. You?

I was gonna have a spit.

WAYNE: I don't even know
what your f*cking names are

but if you're a hockey
player, get in here!

I'll spit in a little bit.

Merry Christmas.

Oh! You're giving us a present.

Oh, yup, yup. It's
tradition, so, yeah.

Thanks, buddy. Thanks, bro.

You're welcome.

Winning a 'ship brings pride
and togetherness to a community.

Now youse all made us damn proud

with your work with
the Shamrockettes

and this is so
youse never forget it.

So, Merry Christmas.

Yup. And Happy New Year.

Jesus Christ. Bonnie!

BOTH: Aww! Bonnie McMurray!

Why don't you just jump in for a
photo here, we'll keep this rig rolling.

[BOTH EXHALE HEAVILY]

Youse good, or?

Buddy.

[BOTH CLEAR THROATS]

So good. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. We're so sick, bro.

Well, there you go.

You wanna know why, buddy?

Do you wanna know
what? I don't know.

All the, uh, college and uni girls
are home for Christmas break.

Letterkenny Tinder
game is fuego.

A lot of girls go away to school

with big expectations
of fun and romance,

but that doesn't always
pan out. School's tough, bro.

And the comfort of their
hometown's long behind them.

Finding your place in
the world can be tough.

But when they come
home for Christmas break

and big expectations of school
and big city are behind them,

they realize, "Hey, Letterkenny
is actually pretty sick."

Mmm.

And then we have sex with them.

And that's when
the takedowns begin.

This afternoon, this snipe called me
up, who was really rude to me before.

But this time, she
was really nice.

Did you take her down? I did.

This snipe called me up today

and she used to say, "I hate
hockey players. I hate them."

Hmm. I felt the love today.

It was really special.

When you took her down? Yes.

It was really special
when I took her down.

Nice. Thanks.

'Kay, get the f*ck outta here.

Okay. Home Alone.

It's practically the
perfect Christmas movie.

That's a strong choice. I
show it to my players regularly.

You do? Yeah, it's a
moving meditation on pain.

Home Alone? Yeah.

Those two burglars should've
been k*lled 100 times in that movie.

Right off the bat, the icy
stairs Marv slips on... Bam!

That's a shattered spine. Or at
his age, at least a slipped disc.

But no, he gets up
and walks around

like he's just got a couple
of broken ribs, right?

And then Harry walks in... Boom!

Shot in the ba*ls
with a pellet g*n,

and then his head
is lit on fire, right?

Any other snowflake would
be on the phone with 911 going,

"Hey, I got... My head!
My head's on fire!"

But no, Harry kept
going, you know why?

'Cause it's a fictional
children's Christmas movie?

No. Because that movie is
an expose on mind over matter.

Harry and Marv were
mentally strong, all right?

They had a goal, they fought
through adversity to get to it.

Now, they never really got it, but
I'm holding my breath for Part Five

'cause Marv and
Harry deserve it.

A projectile can
of... [EXCLAIMS]

paint being thrown
down a full flight of steps

and hitting you
directly in the head

would shatter your
skull, k*lling you instantly.

Obviously fake! [BOTH SCOFF]

Okay. We need to have a
conversation on suspension of disbelief

in fictional children's
Christmas movies.

And don't even get
me started on Part Two.

Marv gets shot in the d*ck with a
nail g*n. And then up the a*s with it.

Next scene, not even a limp.
Like, you think we're stupid?

[BOTH SCOFF]

DARYL: It's a dark
movie. DAN: I agree, Dary.

KATY: Oh, come on.

What in the McCallister's
house had any true value?

Did you see what they were
stealing from the neighbor's house?

Cutlery, candlesticks.

They weren't going
after the big get.

It was never
abouts the bigs gets.

Harry and Marv hate themselves.

That's why they kept
going into the house.

They were volunteering for pain.

Gluttons for punishments.

Very reals, very serious
mentals disorders.

And a treatables ones, too.

Of course, the first step
beings you gots to ask for help.

But for many people,
that's the hardest steps.

You're saying they
subconsciously wanted to die.

On accounts of their traumatic
childhoods, most likely.

That's why they hated
Kevin McCallister so much,

because of his privilege.

Which I, sir, have no time for.

Harry and Marvs are
probably stills out theres todays,

sufferings in silence.

Harry and Marv are in Vegas with t*ts
in both hands and an a*s in the other.

They're champions. Okay.

They're London Bridging Victoria's
Secret models on a beach in Waikiki.

Okay!

What about The Santa Clause?

[BOTH SCOFF]

The Tim Allen movie? [SCOFFS]

Where whoever puts on
Santa's suit becomes Santa?

What if Santa died on
Paul Bernardo's roof?

Bernardo puts on Santa's suit.

Henceforth, becoming a
serial k*ller. Which, I, sir...

I would watch that movie.

Henceforth, making Karla
h*m* Mrs. Claus. What then?

We stop saying "henceforth."

John Wayne Gacy's roof.

He already dressed up in a
clown costume to lure his victims in.

He could pull off Santa
in his sleep. Child's play.

Jeffrey Dahmers. Now Santa
Claus kills and eats his victims.

WAYNE: Skids! [GASPS]

We don't celebrate consumers'
Christ-mas on principle.

Shut the f*ck
up! It's Christmas.

I, sir, have no time for...

What if it's drugs?

You shouldn't have.
Oh, Wayne! [CHUCKLES]

Okay. Wondrous.

Hallucinogens? Barbiturates?

D. I love the D.

D? Vitamin D.

Your pasty skin tells me
you don't see enough sunlight,

which can lead to Vitamin D
deficiency. You ever had it?

Um...

Trust me, you don't want it.

We will not participate in
your capitalist, patriarchal...

Non-pagan... rituals!

Which I, sir... Bonnie!

Have no time for.

Thank you, Bonnie.

[ROALD STUMBLES, EXCLAIMS]

Hicks!

Ooh, I wonders what it is.

Gonna open it carefully so we can
use the ribbons agains next years.

Good thinking, Squirrelly D. If you
can be one thing, you should be efficient.

Waste nots, wants
nots, you know.

WAYNE: Pretty
smart pencil case, eh?

That's for your
women's studies class.

Youse been reading my mails!

No. Just seeing you skipping
off to class every Tuesday

with a pen, pencil and highlighter
wrapped in a rubber band.

Y'know, there's no reason to be
looking pov for Professor Tricia.

Thanks, good buddys.
Merry Christmas, good buddy.

Cologne.

But I just use
sunscreen. Banana Boat.

Well, here's the scoop
and I'm gonna tell you.

Banana Boat's not
gonna do the trick

with you wearing your barn
clothes every damn place you go.

Now when you head into town,
you give yourself a few spritzes of that

and it'll mask the smell proper.

Thanks, good buddy.
WAYNE: Of course...

not wearing your barn clothes
every damn place you go

is also a potentially
fruitful option.

English on the back.

The Reindeer Effect.

Bootlegged Korean
Christmas thriller,

sent from overseas by
my good buddy Teddy Kim.

That's exclusive
for your collection.

Has anyone seen
The Reindeer Effect?

The Butterfly Effect?
No, The Reindeer Effect.

I've never heard of it.

Reindeer Games
with Charlize Theron?

And Dennis Farina?

Ben Affleck. Yes, please!

No, The Reindeer Effect.

Ever seen it, bro?
Never seen it, bro.

Put it on! Yeah. Put it on!

Thanks for the
gift, big brother.

Well, now that that's
sorted, do youse, uh...

youse been hearing
any talk around town

about this maybe
being the, uh...

ALL: best Christmas party ever?

[ALL LAUGHING]

[CLOCK CHIMES]

Well, if it wasn't
before, it sure is now.

Now, we honor the tradition
of the Three Wise Men.

Oh, no, American whiskey.

Oh, no, Irish whiskey.

Canadian Rye
whiskey, I say f*ck' eh!

Do youse wanna know
what Christmas is all about?

I'll tell you what
Christmas is all about here.

Christmas is all about coming
together with friends and family

and putting your squabbles
aside for a little wee bit.

Aww!

And that, friends and
family, is why I, to the f*ck'...

Last time, right?
Last f*ck' time, f*ck.

BOTH: Love Christmas!

Here, here!

ALL: Three Wise Men!

[PLASTIC SHOT GLASSES RATTLE]

[PLASTIC SHOT GLASSES RATTLE]

GLEN: Okay! [ALL EXHALE]

[STEWART GROANS]

[GAGGING]

Now,

let's all have a spit.

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]