11x02 - Okoya

[bunniefuu]

You were talkin'
about motion pictures

with your pals the other day...

And this particular
motion picture

was stacked to the t*ts
with that thing I hate.

Well, that doesn't
really narrows it downs.

You know the thing.

Oh, What?

Like, there's a super
intense dramatic scene

and one actor is on the
other side of the room,

screaming their lines
at the other actor,

and then slowly and gradually,
they get closer and closer,

speaking more
quietly and softly,

up until they get
about nose to nose,

and then they deliver their last
line ant it's almost a whisper?

- Okay, I hate that.
- Yeah.

And then it's usually some
kind of variation on...

[Whispers:] "Try me."

Or something like...

[Whispers:] "Don't
make me hurt you."

Or, "This ends here."

Yeah, no.

Or how whenever
there's a scene where,

like, a gal kicks a
dude's a*s, magically,

the dude just kind of
appears out of nowhere

and says something like...

- "Hey... b*tch."
- Worst.

And then, after the gal's
done kickin' the dude's a*s,

the gal just shows
up and swallows,

says something all
breathy, like...

[Breathing heavily]

"Who's the b*tch now?"

Ugh. Sit down.

Or how there's always some kid

who doesn't speak any English,

trying to lead all the
English-speaking people

away from danger, but
all he can say is,

"Here! Here!"

- "Here! Here!"
- "Here! Here!"

Enough! Yes, I hate all that,

but there is nothing
I hate more than...

- Oh...
- Oh...

- Oh...
- Yup.

When every actor takes a
sharp inhale before their line

for dramatic effect.

[Inhales sharply] What's
wrong with that, Katy?

[Inhales sharply] You
saying you don't like that?

[Inhales sharply]
Kinda feels like

you're lobb-sing a grenade
to the industrys there.

- Don't.
- [Inhales sharply]

Do you have any idea how
often actors use this device

for dramatic effect, Katy?

[Inhales sharply] And people
don't even speak that way.

[Inhales] Have you ever heard
anyone breathe like that

before they speaks
ever in your lifes?

Go aheads, I'll wait.

Gettin' on my last
nervski, boys.

[Inhales] When's it
gonna stop, Katy?

What ever happened to
less is more, Katy?

[Inhales]

Actors need to stop
trying so darn hard, Katy.

[Inhales] Not that I
got it all my damn self.

[Inhales] Yeah, not that I
have it all my damn self, Katy.

[Inhales] Just sayin', Katy.

[Inhales] I
completely understand

why you hates that, Miss Katys.

- f*ck off!
- [Inhaling sharply]

- f*ck'... [Hiccups]
- [Hiccups]

[All hiccupping]

Ooh, took in too much
air there. [Hiccups]

- [Hiccupping]
- I hate the hiccups.

f*ck' scare me or something.

[All hiccupping]

- Ha!
- You think that's scary?

Boogety, boogety, boogety!

Who the f*ck are
you? [Hiccups]

[All hiccupping]

And you suppose that's what...

thespians mean by
sacrificing for your craft.

[Hiccups]

♪

[Phone ringing]

- [Phone ringing]
- Hello?

Tanis: It's Glen.

He says we need to get down
to the Church right away.

[Phone chiming]

It's Glen.

He says we need to get down
to the church right away.

- [Phone chiming]
- It's Glen.

He says we need to get down
to the church right away.

[Phone chiming]

- It's Tanis.
- 'Kay.

Says "I knew youse
wouldn't listen to Glen.

Seriously. Church.
Now." We should go.

- You know I'm unavailable.
- I should go.

Right when I'm finally winning?

I'll make it up to you.

When's the last time
you had boar chops?

Ah!

You can wait a
couple hours right?

[Grumbling]

[Church bell ringing]

[Church bell ringing]

At long last. Thank you
for heeding my call.

What's the rumpus, Glen?

Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here today...

Whoa! I will not be hoodwinked

into attending a religious
service, good sir.

- That's what I said.
- Spit it out, hot stuff.

I'm getting to it!

Maybe get to it a little faster.

Okay. Wh... fine. I gathered
you all here today...

Not fast enough.

Because I wanted to thank
you for participating

in the bake sale to help me
raise money for the youth group!

Phew! Was that fast
enough for you, Rosie?!

Yeah, I guess we can use that.

[Sighing] Katy, your
muffins were divine.

It's Uncle Eddie's recipe.
Guess it still holds up.

Rosie, your banana bread
left me fit to be tied.

You'd be surprised at
how easy it is to make.

Tanis!

Don't yell at me, preacher.

Your bannock blew my mind.

I know my way around
a salle à manger.

She's cute. She
means "cuisine".

Gail! Your tarts worked their
way into my hearts and my belly.

d*ck-skin helped.

Coach!

No one gave two poops
about your fruit cake,

which is no surprise at all.

You don't like fruit cake?

Oh, no. Me, personally,
I love a fruit cake.

Oh, you do?

Anybody who knows me at all
knows that about me. [Snorts]

Barb loved fruit cake.

Oh, can we not
with Barb, please?

[Softly:] Well, I was
hesitant to contribute at all.

Hm?

[Softly:] I was hesitant
to contribute at all.

Huh?

I was hesitant to
contribute at all!

- Pourquoi?
- Because the Christian youth

are... uh...

dabbling in a little
iffy business these days.

- Like what?
- You ever heard of soaking?

- No.
- It's when a dude...

puts his dink in a gal...

[Grunting]

- Oh.
- But doesn't move it.

So, like, no
thrusting or anything?

- No.
- But that's the good stuff.

- Oh, my...
- The dude...

just puts his dink in...

- [Grunting]
- and stays still.

It's a way for
them to get around

saving their virginity
till marriage.

Little troubleshooting there.

So, they would say, we can't
have sex, but we can...

[Grunting] Soak.

What is the point?

Well, I guess it beats
not doing anything at all.

ALL: No, it doesn't.

- All right, Glen...
- Okay, okay.

You are here because something
horrible has happened.

My best friend Tanis and I
arrived at the church today

at about, ehh, it was 10 a.m.

Wait, what?

Oh. We're besties now.

'Cause remember,
when I called you,

you came right away to help me?

And that's exactly
the kind of thing

a bestie does for their
bestie. Right, bestie?

Yeah, 'cause you said
there was a fire.

Well, one little white
lie never hurt nobody.

And I was like, "Well,
I didn't start it."

We arrived here at
around at 10 a.m.,

when I showed my
bestie that the till

that had all the earnings
in it from the bake sale

had gone missing!

And so, I says to
my bestie, I says,

"We best check our purses
'cause we done got robbed."

Now... all of you

had access to the till,

which means that one of you
heartless monsters stole...

from me - Glen -

your friend or best friend,

depending on whether or
not your name is Tanis.

So, let me remind youse...

[Whispers] do not...

steal... from me.

KATY: Bravo.

- I didn't.
- And more importantly,

do not stealeth from the Church!

From the Lordeth shimself!

And all his Idrises Elba

and from the Lordeth's
youth group -

The Burning Bush Club.

It's me, Glen, your friend.

Who hath stolen from me?!

Confess and then repent.
Who hath doneth it?

Oh!

How will I ever find
out who hath robbed me?

Lord, send me some help!

[Door opening]

STEWART: Ding-dong.

Here! Here!

Here! Here!

♪

Good evening.

It's afternoon.

What are you doing
here, under creature?

I am the answer to your
prayers, preacher man.

Honestly...

[Whispering] Roald!

Oh, sorry Stewart.

[Sound effect of
thunder cracking]

Where's boo?

Who?

- Wayne!
- With Squirrely Dan.

I ordered some Okoya furniture,

got delivered today.

You know how much
they love that sh*t.

Gentlemen. What
a great day, eh?

- Gots the times?
- No.

- Shockers.
- Sorry?

Well, you say be available

between the hours of one
and four in the afternoon

to sign for delivery.

So, what time's it now?



BOTH: 4:48!

We just follow the schedule.

Oh, all right. So,
delivery's 75 bucks.

The attitude extra, 'er?

Katy said she was ordering
some Swedish furniture.

Didn't say anything
about no f*ck' lips.

WAYNE: How 'bout
the lip on this one?

DAN: Who knew Swedes
were so f*ck' lippy.

Did you have somewhere to be?

WAYNE: I've had about
enough of the lip!

DAN: You Swedes may be
good at f*ck' meatballs,

but you got a lots to learn
about f*ck' being on times.

WAYNE: What's your name?

- Jens.
- WAYNE: What?

Jens.

What is there two of ya?

That's gotta be the most Swedish
f*ck' name I ever heard.

I'm actually Dutch.

Don't say that too
louds around heres.

- What's your name?
- Gunner.

- But what's your real name?
- Gunner.

Yeah, but what's your real name?

- Gunner.
- f*ck around.

You're already lates.
Don't get f*ck' smart.

I'd be careful, a nickname
like that just might stick.

Gettin' lipped off by a
couple of f*ck' Swedes.

I've had about
enough of the lip.

I can takes one looks at ya

and I know why Katy's
f*ck' ordered offa yas.

WAYNE: Christ, I'm not sure
the shirts get any tighter,

but I'd bet the farm they
f*ck' gave it a shot.

We got one dresser and
two bed side tables.

- Where do want this assembled?
- Right there.

- What?
- WAYNE: What?!

What'd he say about
the f*ck' lip?

It's $75 for delivery,
installation and assembly.

Well, you already
f*cked up the delivery.

You can sets it up right
heres and, for frees,

we'll let you know what kind
of job you're f*ck' doin'.

We can assemble it here, but
let us know where to carry it.

It'll take thirty seconds.

WAYNE: Yeah, while you bounce
it off 30 f*ck' walls.

The customer's always right.

DAN: Damn right.
Pitter-patter.

WAYNE: All right,
youse go get sorted.

Dan and I will finish our beers

and we'll go over
some safety tips.

[Church bell ringing]

Gasp! What are you doing
here, Stewart?! Hi, Roald.

Hi, Glen! Um, hi, everyone!

Roald! [Inhales sharply]

Assembled fools...

- [Inhales sharply]
- Don't!

Don't what?

Don't with the dramatic inhale.

I am here...

because I know... who did it.

How could you possibly
know anything, Stewart?

You refused to participate
in my bake sale!

I offered my brownies.

I don't care if
it's legal, Stewart;

you will not sell
drugs in my church!

Weed isn't even a drug.

I know Dan's the de facto butt
stuff fella in these parts...

Hey! I like a one in the two.

I said "fella".

But butt stuff's pretty popular
with the Christian youth.

- Shocker.
- That too.

Basically anything
that doesn't involve

penile/vaginal penetration.

Another way to protect
their virginities.

Li'l life hack.

So, they say we can't
have vaginal intercourse,

but we can...

Fire it up the pooper.

- Really?
- Dance like nobody's watchin'.

To each his or her own.

- Now and then.
- All right!

Enough with these sidebar
conversations. Stewart!

Explain yourself in front
of God, his son Jesus,

and all of his Idrises Elba!

[Both hissing]

- [Hissing]
- Fine!

I grew up reading
all the classics

of Lord Agatha Christie.

I don't think that's
how that works.

- It's not.
- Confirmed.

- Best friend.
- And... [Sniffing]

I can sniff out a
m*rder plot a mile away!

Stewart the most
sophisticated sense of smell.

Got any snooters?

No one was m*rder*d.

- Irregardless!
- Ugh.

Allow me to walk you
through... a scenario.

Gettin' close to
boar chop o'clock.

What brought all
of these strange,

disparate people gathered
in this room together today?

Why these people? And why...

[Inhales sharply] here?

I asked them to help
me with the bake sale

'cause we're pals,
and then some.

STEWART: Likely story.

BOTH: Likely story.

That's a likely story.

- Likely story.
- That's a likely story!

But what about this one?

[Thunder crashing]

No one likes Glen and no
one supports his church.

GLEN: Stewart, you know I
can still hear you, right?

STEWART: I posit this!

Because no one really wanted
to help Glen or his God

or any of his Idrises Elba,

everyone pretended to put
their profits in the till,

but instead pocketed the money
and kept it for themselves!

♪

There was no money to be stolen

because everyone kept
their own profits.

♪

Therefore...

[Thunder crashing]

Roald!

The m*rder*r is...

everyone!

No one was m*rder*d, Stewart.

But wait, does that
mean you all robbed me?

Me and Him? Capital H.

Isn't that just the plot of
m*rder on the Orient Express?

Oh, love that book,
and the movie.

- Which one?
- David Suchet all the way.

I didn't hate the new one.
What up, Michelle Pfeiffer?

Yew!

- She is a masterpiece.
- Mmm-hmm.

She can still get it.

Any time she wants it.

Any time.

[Laughing] Any...
time... she wants... it.

So, What? You're telling
me that you admit it?

You all robbed me, all at
the same time, all at once.

- I got g*ng-banged?!
- Of course not, Glen.

Oh my God, Tanis,
I did not mean you.

You would never do that to me.

You're my best
friend since forever.

Enough!

I did not say that's
what happened!

I posited...

that that's how it
could have happened!

But it didn't.
[Inhales sharply]

Allow me to walk you through...

another scenario.

Do you know what docking is?

No.

[Thunder crashing]

Do youse have a stud finder?

I don't believe that's any
of your f*ck' business.

Okoya suggests fastening
the unit to the wall;

helps prevent it from tipping.

- Youse gots a stud finders?
- Yeah.

Well, f*ck'
point it over here;

I'll tell ya if it's working.

Everybody's got a
stud finder joke.

I don't remember askin'
how nots to tip stuffs.

Did you want the
stud finder or not?

WAYNE: Well, f*ck' don't
need one; already found 'em.

DAN: You let us
worries about that.

Youse just worries about
righty-tightys, leftys-looseys.

You're getting some
nice furniture here.

DAN: I can see from here

the hardware's stripped
from screwing it in once.

So, tells me again what
we're gettings heres?

WAYNE: Another Allen key
in the f*ck' junk drawer.

People seem to like it.

Know what else people
seemed to like?

Boy bands.

This silly Swedish
furniture is like boy bands:

it's hot for a second, sure,

but it's only a matter of
time before you're a joke.

The screws get
stripped pretty easily.

You could holds
the thing together

better with f*ck' flour.

But it's good
material otherwise.

WAYNE: What is?

GUNNER: This.

WAYNE: Well, I could
piss a hole in that.

Hey, youse guys ever wonder
what it would feel like

to wear a shirt
that f*ck' fits?

- Tight pants k*ll sperms.
- I don't want kids.

Well, f*ck' bet they
don't want you either, bud.

We've got a couple of
stud finders in the truck.

- You can have this one.
- All right.

Well, don't point it over here;
it'll f*ck' break right off.

KATY: Hang on. Glen,

what does the youth
group need money for?

- Katy!
- I've been to youth group

and all youse got
is refreshments.

No more than $20 dollars,

more like $15 if
you're cuttin' coupons.

So, where does
the rest of it go?

Ask the Vatican.

If a Girl Guide or a Boy Scout

comes to the door
selling cookies,

I know where the money's going -

sendin' kids
camping and whatnot.

Or if a GI Jehovah
comes to the door,

I know where the money's going -

cancelling Christmas
and whatnot.

But youse don't go camping

and youse love Christmas.

So, I ask: what
is the money for?

Katy, have you seen the
price of Freshie lately?

Mm, they don't
make that anymore.

Exactly!

You can get all the
Freshie you want on the...

BOTH [Whispering]: Dark web.

Coach!

Hi, Stewart.

You are an emotional
basket case.

Well, I was unware
you felt this way.

You have never recovered
from the death of your wife.

Barb?

We all know her name, Coach.

Though, come to think of
it, I don't know yours.

- Irregardless!
- [Thunder crashing]

Coach, you're the
angriest man we all know.

And then, no one bought
any of your fruitcake.

That might be enough to
push a man over the edge.

That might be enough to
drive a man to m*rder!

♪

Ugh. No one got...

[Thunder crashing]

No one got m*rder*d, Stewart!

I'm confused.

Is this supposed to be
another Agatha Christie book?

Of course it is.

I don't recognize
this plot at all.

Is it Evil Under The Sun?

- It's not The ABC Murders.
- Ten Little Indians?

- [Inhales sharply]
- She said it.

It's Death on the Nile!

- No, it isn't.
- Yes it is!

Death on the Nile is
about the poor couple

that kills the rich
girl to take her money.

Hastily simplified, but yes.

Stewart, your Coach theory is
nothing like Death on the Nile.

[Scoffing] It is a very
close approximation.

- It's not.
- Can confirm.

Coach!

What... say... you?

I didn't do that.

[Both scoffing]
What a defence!

- What a defence!
- What a defence!

BOTH: What a defence! What
a defence! What a defence!

I was actually quite happy
no one bought the fruit cake

because I found
that in the pantry

and I don't even know
how long it's been there.

- Coach...
- No, guys,

it's much darker than that.

I, um... I guess...

a few months ago, I started
hittin' the bottle pretty hard...

Anyhoo!

I don't think Coach
did it, Stewart.

I didn't say that
Coach did it, Rosie.

I said he might have done it.

No, you said he did it.

I posited! It
was only a posit.

And allow me to... posit...

one... last...

- [Thunder crashing]
- time.

- JENS: All done, gentleman.
- DAN: Gots the times?

- Time to get a watch.
- WAYNE: Don't get lippy.

There's that
f*ck' lips agains.

- It's six o'clock.
- Oh, he's learnin'.

Sure you don't want us to
take this up to the bedroom?

Who said anything
about a bedroom?

Well, they're bedside tables.

It's just a name, Jennifer.

DAN: They could just as
easily be ends tables.

WAYNE: Could just as easily be
a little table in the kitchen

to put the telephone on,
maybe a little notepad.

DAN: Spend all day
haulin' f*ck' boxes,

you should learn to
thinks outsides of one.

So, you don't want us
to take this inside?

- WAYNE: Sorted.
- Okay.

All right, Dan, better
f*ck' get it inside

before the wind blows it over.

Your tips.

Hey, thanks. I didn't
see this coming.

- Want another one?
- BOTH: Sure.

Be on time.

[Both laughing]

Now, what are we gonna do
with this piece of sh*t?

Good Lord...

Christ sake.

This'll be the only time
I offer you a screw.

I'll take it, good
buddy. Alley-oop.

Clearly don't know anything
about Agatha Christie!

[All shouting at once]

Fine!

[Inhales sharply]
Allow for one last...

Last time I tell ya about
the dramatic inhale, skid.

Hey, b*tch!

GLEN: Ooh. Ooh.

[Grunting]

Who's the b*tch now?

Bravo.

I was getting hiccups anyway.

Allow one last theory

because this theory...

is the truth.

[Thunder crashing]

♪

I was hurt - nay, offended -

when Glen rejected my
offer of baked-baked goods.

ROALD: [Giggling]
Good one, Stewart.

STEWART: Roald!

So, after everyone had packed
up and left the church,

I snuck back in and
stole the money myself!

♪

[Gasping] But, Stewart...

Yes, Roald?

Why? Why would you
do all of this?

To see if I could
get away with it...

and... I... did.

Curtain!

Curtain couldn't
come soon enough.

Wait just a minute.

Curtain -

that's the name of the
last Hercule Poirot book,

the one where the detective
himself commits the m*rder

and then kills
himself at the end.

- Exactly.
- Ooh.

Are you gonna k*ll
yourself now, Stewart?

[Chuckling] More lookin'
at Coach for that.

Stewart, as a man of the cloth,

I cannot condone suicide.

However, I do recommend
that you repent!

[Hissing]

Nah.

GLEN: Ugh.

So, how much is in there, Glen?

Well, if it's all here,
and I certainly hope it is,

then we will have
collected just shy of...

thirty dollars! And
it's all here! Woo-hoo!

We listened to Stewart talk for
what felt like two fiscal weeks

for thirty bucks?

Just shy of thirty bucks!

And... curtain.

I'd have a beer.

You're going so soon?

I owe my hick a
boar chop supper.

- Ooh! Salt and pepper?
- You got it, girl.

Tell boo I said what's up.

You got it, girl.

GLEN: But... but wait.

We just reacquired
all this money.

And what on earth am I
gonna do with it all?

Ask the Vatican!

You know, again, this is
not a Catholic church.

Okay, in the future,
I would pay $50

to not have to listen
to Stewart speak.

Oof. Amen to that.

But... ba-doop-boop-boop,

I just wanted to thank you
for everything you did today,

bestie.

[Tanis groaning]

So, what's docking?

We can't do it.

Hmm.

Wanna soak?

Not in my pews.

[The Age of Electric "Enya"]

♪

- How 'r' ya now?
- Good, 'n you?

You wanna know what, I'm just
gonna come right out and say it:

I'm half cut.

- I'll catch up.
- Good enough.

What smells like boar chops?

Oh, might be boar chops.

- Might it?
- Or it mightn't.

I thought we established
that I owe you one?

Well, you like
boar chops, right?

Love boar chops.

Well, I made you
boar chops, Rosie.

Guess I'll have to
make up for it after.

WAYNE: 'Kay.

You can wait a
couple hours, right?

[Wayne grumbling]

[Both grumbling]

♪ Hide in your inner circle ♪

♪ Strength ain't muscle ♪

♪ Whatever makes it better ♪

♪ Hold onto your pride ♪

♪ In time, your
faith will wither ♪

♪ f*cked up and gone ♪

♪ Hurt won't live forever ♪

♪

♪ Enya ♪

♪ In your garden ♪

♪ All of your angels gather ♪

♪ Taking you into hiding ♪

♪ Under their wings ♪

♪ Enya ♪

♪ In your saviour ♪

♪ Can you find hope for future ♪

♪ Where all fears and anger ♪

♪ Won't cloud your... ♪