11x04 - Nudes

[bunniefuu]

You're hangin' a piss with
your pals the other day...

[Urine splashing]

Sounds like a healthy
streams there, Darys.

I'm told Italians
have narrow urethras.

Then, from the sounds of
it, Dary ain'ts Italian.

Might could be just a wee bit
Italian by the sounds of it.

I thought only
girls have urethras?

No. You're thinksin'
of uteruses.

Uteri.

You know, I was told
the Swiss sh*t black

because of all the
chocolate they eat.

Only bad chocolate
makes you shits blacks,

not good Swiss chocolates.

Well, like, if it was imported
from another country, like...

Ireland.

- Scotlands.
- Wonkaland.

I think Alexander might
have a narrow urethra.

I was standing beside
him, having a piss,

and I had finished mine
before he'd even started his.

No. You're thinksin'
of shy bladders.

He just stood there,

pullin' on it every few seconds.

I seen 'em bop it off
the urinal one time,

trying to get 'er goin'.

Guys with shy
bladders can only piss

if they're in the
rights environments.

Well, like, warm or cold?

No. You're thinksin'
of climates.

So, he couldn't have a
piss right here with me?

He'd likelys prefers not to.

Peoples with shy bladders
can't piss at the urinals

if someone's standing
next to them.

It's like a stage
frights things.

Like a stand your ground
or run away type thing?

No. You're thinksin'
fights or flights.

Well, how do you rock a piss?

Well, peoples with shy bladders

gots to be awares of all the
available washrooms, likelys.

Like the CIA has to be aware

of all the available
exits for the president.

No. You're thinksin'
of the Secret Services.

'Kay.

But, you know, I imagines,
if you have a shy bladder,

your brains is kinds of
like the Secret Service

and your horn's kind
of like the President.

Potamus?

No. You're thinksin'
of POTUSes.

Isn't that something?

The Secret Service organizes
everythings for the POTUSes.

Yeah, POTUS doesn't have much
of a choice there, but, well,

he's the one who wanted to be
leader of the free world, so...

Imagine you work your
way up secret serving,

and then you get assigned
a detail to protect POTUS,

and then, all you're doing
is just clearing bathrooms

for him and his shy bladder.

Hey, check yourself.

Any detail those dudes get
assigned is a f*ck' honour.

- I think so's toos.
- Ask any one of them.

Yeah, they'd be happy with
any details you gives 'em.

I think I'd try
to switch details

- with another secret server.
- I don't think that's

how presidentials details
works theres, Darys.

Alright, riddle me this -
let's say you work your way

all the way up to
being a secret server,

what are you gonna
do then? Huh?

Gonna go to the POTUS, say
you don't like your detail?

That you want another
secret server's detail?

Don't be surprise they take
away your details altogether.

You'd be scrubbing
the ship's commodes.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Old boss is always a d*ck
till you meet the new one.

You'll be dreaming of
the old boss' d*ck.

f*ck' leader of
the free world.

If I was a secret servers, I'd
be happy to help the POTUSes

in any ways he neededs.

So, he's not standing there,

boppin' his wiener off
the urinal like Alexander.

Why doesn't he just use
the handicap bathroom?

- Complete privacy.
- Oh, that's uncouth.

Yeah. I don't think the
secret servers would think

that's a very good
looks for the POTUSes.

Why doesn't the Secret Service
just clear the bathroom

entirely? That way,
you don't have to check

- if anybody's in there.
- Listen, I don't know about

youse, but that sounds an awful
lot to me like abuse of power.

The POTUS has gots to
bes for the peoples.

Well, what if the Secret Service
hired guys with shy bladders

to secretly serve?

So, they could empathize
with the POTUSes?

- Yeah.
- No chance in hell.

- Why not?
- Don't ask, don't tell.

You think the Secret Service
ever kicked a guy off the can,

so the president
could rock a piss?

Not unless he's trying to
flush a vote down the toilet.

Can you imagine if the
POTUSes had a shy bladders

and was Italians?

Talks about doubles troubles.

Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!

Well, f*ck, the Secret Service

would have their
hands full then, boy!

I'm told Italians
have narrow urethras.

♪

Youse wanna see
some butt-f*ck?

Not particularly.

- No.
- Yes.

No, no, no.

Made its way back
to me twice already.

Two separate sources.

- f*ck a duck.
- Uh-huh.

What's the frequency, Kenneth?

Nude o'clock.

[Chuckling] Prove it.

Of Gail.

- BOTH: Nope.
- Well, I'd still take a gander.

- Cool it.
- No James Van Der-peeking.

It ain't Dawson's crack.

I don't wanna wait for
our lives to be over.

Just show it to me.

Mind your scruples, Dary.

Does Gail know?

En route to her now.

Sending nudes has
becomes very populars

amongst the youngs
peoples these days.

Shouldn't take
pictures of yourself.

Sending nudes is one
thing. Get after it.

Yeah, let your freak flag fly.

Leaking nudes is another.

Don't take pictures of
yourself at the gym.

I mean, show it to a pal
or two on your phone,

have a giggle, but don't send
it to a pal. f*ck' nerds.

It ought to be
punishable by castration.

Straight up.

What? Like a bilaterals
orchidectomys?

I don't give a sh*t!

You should lose your
ba*ls for leaking nudes.

And then,

a picture of your
nut-less b*ll s*ck

should be sent to everyone
you sent the nude to.

Hey, bud, you ever
see that video

of that dude who's
sittin' on stage

and crosses his leg
and crushes his nut?

Oh, what? This one?

[Chuckling]

Well, Katy, boys
will be boys and...

Exactly! That is
exactly what you are.

If you send a naked picture of
the girl you're having sex with

to your pals, you are a boy.

Well... how are we
gonna f*ck this pig?

One: locate culprit.

Two: delete evidence.
And three...

Yes, and three...

Vigilante justice.

That's the spirit, big brother.

No. No, I think I...

Well, I think I just
got stung by a bee.

[Electronic dance music playing]

♪

Ooh... [Breathing heavily]

Ooh. You feel that?

- What?
- Heat.

You don't think it's
a bit brisk today?

Heat. Cop nip. All eyes on me.

We're in the centre of the
ring, just like a circus.

There's too much
heat on our names.

Fools out here
blowing up our spot.

Yeah, finna' catch a body.

What you sayin', shot caller?

What would fools do, if
we didn't deal anymore?

What would we do?

- Well, we would still deal.
- Oh, okay.

But under the guise of a proxy.

And on top of taking the
heat off of our name,

he would be able to
inflate the prices,

charging fools whatever
premium suits us.

A proxy?

Can we call it
"Operation: Goldiprox?"

Operation: Proxic
Relationship.

Operation: Smallprox?

Operation: Longprox
On The Beach.

Operation: Safety
Deposit Prox.

That would take the
heat off our names.

But who would help
us in such a matter?

Or any matter, for that matter?

[Gasping] Operation:
Bagels With Prox.

BOTH: 'Sup.

NM, NM. You?

We out here.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

- Sure you right.
- You know what it is?

Hype.

It's, uh, Goldstein?

Yeah. AKA: Billfold-stein,

legend of oldstein,
never paroled-stein,

never controlled-stein,
a story untoldstein.

We are...

Sir Patrick Stewart,
Gary Roaldman.

So, what you know about
extra-curricular activities?

I've been known to enrol in
the after school curriculum.

Lead guitar in a contraband?

Got a phernalia.

sh*t, I even got a
pair-a-phernalia.

Stewart's making
drug references.

I just want to make sure that
that's what you're doing.

Roald up the rim to
win, you... can be sure.

Do you want some?

- Now?
- Yes.

- Yes.
- Free.

Free weed?

[Scoffing] Watchu
talkin' bout weed?

Khalifa, the Goblin, the Dojo.

I meant free rips.

Rips? Whatchu
talkin' bout rips?

The lines, the linos,
the devil's dandruff.

No. That's...
That's not kosher.

Weed isn't even a drug.

Yes, it is.

When you're six.

You must have been a
troubled six-year-old.

It's not a drug,
though. It's weed.

Actually, it is very
commonly referred to as

the gateway drug.

Gateway to salt 'n' vinnies

and pocketing other
peoples' lighters.

[Both laughing]

What are you guys,
the joint task force?

We have a business proposition!

- Word?
- Sure you right.

- You know what it is.
- Hype.

You will sell for us in
order to inflate the prices

and take the heat
off of our names.

- Why me?
- You're our chosen person.

Because I'm one of
the chosen people?

- Precisely.
- So, because I'm Jewish,

you think I'm business-minded
and money-minded?

- BOTH: No!
- No, no, no.

- BOTH: What?
- I-I...

- What?
- I don't see religion.

- No, 'cause I am.
- BOTH: That's good for you.

That's really good for you.
Because that had nothing...

We didn't even talk about
it... That had nothing to do...

I didn't know you
were Jewish. Jewish?

Couldn't tell?

- Consider it a Mitzvah.
- A Mitzvah.

BOTH: Mitzvah.
Mitzvah. Mitzvah.

I do this Mitzvah in
exchange for drugs?

Free drugs.

Ah. Win-win.

- Sure you right.
- You know what it is.

Hype.

Bonnie, how are ya now?

- Pissed 'n you?
- Not so bad.

- What are you lookin' at ther...
- Not now, Daryl.

What are you looking at?

The best way to remove a
man's ba*ls from his body.

We're all over it, Bonno.

And now, so am I.

- Gailers here?
- Liquor run.

Where do you stand in
all of this, Bonnie?

Bro, you leak a pic,
you lose your d*ck.

Look, all I'm saying is
that maybe we should follow

the money around and
take a little look...

So, wheres dos we starts?

Youse don't. We got this.

We'll be back when it's sorted.

Well, should we
get hammered then?

I'd get hammered.

I's never tried
an Aperol Spritz.

So, where do we start?

Dealer's choice.

Well...

my brother's kind
of a piece of sh*t.

- Hey!
- How 'r you now?

- How 'r you now?
- Not s'bad.

- [Speaking auctioneer babble]
- 'Kay.

- McMurrays...
- Rosie.

There's a leaked nude of my
cousint circulating around town

and we're looking
for who's behind it.

Oh. So, what are we
talkin' about here? t*ts?

Beaver? Li'l beaver cleaver?

One of them
over-the-shoulder shots

into the mirror with a
li'l bit of backside?

- t*ts and beav?
- Ooh. Did you see her split?

Maybe one of those bent
over shots into the mirror

you just get a li'l
peek-a-boo of her split?

MCMURRAY: Yeah, a
little split sampler?

Little split sample platter?

Little split mingler?

Ew.

Well, who's got it?

Yeah. Let's have
a li'l peek-a-boo.

That's what I always say.

If it wasn't sent to you,
it wasn't meant for you!

Let's have a c*ck suckin'
gin and tonic, then.

- So you haven't seen it?
- Well, not yet,

but the suspense is k*lling me!

Now, now, Baby, maybe
don't get your hopes up.

You know what they say:
the bigger the build-up,

the shittier the movie.

So you don't know who leaked it?

No, but if I was youse,

I'd be looking directly
at Jimmy Dickskin.

[Gasping]

What do you have
against Jim Dickens?

He's too tall,
that's all I know!

Too tall to be trusted!

Don't believe a word he
says. It's all tall tales!

He was the last one to
crawl up that skin slide,

so don't youse stand here
waving your fingers at me.

- Jim Dickens is a good guy.
- With values.

He would never do
anything like that.

Even a broken clock
is right twice a day!

- Huh?
- Do the math!

Do you have anything
to say to that?

As it turns out,

I will not be joining you
for an afternoon hot tub.

Know anything about this, Jim?

Miss Gail and I have had
a courtship in the past,

but if I ever circulated
a naked photo of a woman

who trusted me with her body,

I would voluntarily permit that
woman to cut off my genitals

and then thank her
for the kindness!

There's some good ones left.

- Yeah.
- You know what,

give me one good reason why
we ought to believe that,

you redwood-lookin' beanstalk,

cell phone
tower-lookin' sombitch?

He looks a bit
like Jeff Goldblum.

You want one good reason?
I'll give you one.

And after that,
I'll give you two.

And then after that, I'll
give you three good reasons...

[All speaking auctioneer babble]

Cool it!

Ladies,

the concept of
eagerly oversharing

an explicit
photograph resonates,

to me, as childlike behaviour.

Yup. Boys.

There are two boys who come
to mind straight out the gate.

Yeah. I guess they should
have been our first stop.

f*ck' bell tower, corn silo,
giraffe a*s, space needle,

f*ck' sumbitch.

Yeah! f*ck you, Dickskin, you
f*ck' boreal forest sequoia.

Dickens!

Like Charles!

- Avi.
- Fruit Roald Up.

- Goldstein.
- Kristen Stewart.

Have you considered
our proposal?

I sell your drugs in
exchange for free drugs?

Weed. Free weed.

Yeah, the drug weed.

You mean the no longer
controlled substance weed?

The reason for immense
unnecessary incarceration weed.

Oh, you mean cannabis?
The dioecious flower?

If you mean cannabis,

the flower with psychoactive
effects, then yes!

Yeah, psychoactive effects, such
as minor feelings of euphoria

and intense desire
for dill picklers.

Ugh! You guys should
really watch Narcos Mexico.

- You can't even die from it!
- Quite the opposite, actually!

It can help you live.

My point exactly!
It's medicinal.

And recreational!

Perhaps we were wrong about you!

- Perhaps you were!
- Allow me to mediate!

I'll allow it.

I'll allow it first.
Universal Roaldier...

Stewart, you have asked
Mr. Goldstein to sell drugs

for us at an elevated price
to take heat off our names.

And Mr. Goldstein,

you have been offered
free skunk bud indica

in exchange for these services.

Now, the agreement
is all but signed.

What must transpire
between these two entities

in order to close
this deal? [Chuckling]

Avi, you have the floor.

Thank you, Advil Roald and Flu.

Now, Tylenol Cold and Stew,

I will head your sales team...

when you admit that weed
is, in fact, a drug.

[Giggling]

But, Stewart, I mean,

don't you remember
the... the thrill

of hiding weed in
your locker at school

and knowing that,
if you got caught,

oh, you'd get in trouble?

Cha. Junior
kindergarten was a riot.

But I mean, don't you remember

the excitement of
bringing it home

and hiding it in
your undie drawer,

so your mom couldn't find it?

Well, my mom was hiding
it in her undie drawer...

unsuccessfully.

ROALD: But don't
you remember...

when Katy came to you for
the first time... for weed?

The excitement...

of when she asked you
to meet her after school

in that hedge with
the big hole in it?

Ooh, it was so secret.

And sexual.

Sure.

But do you remember...

what she called you?

Her first drug dealer.

Goldstein...

Winnie the Stew...

You will sell our rips

and, in exchange, we
will provide a free

and unlimited supply of the...

drug... marijuana.

Hype. Two conditions.

One: weed up front.

[Snapping]

Toda raba.

Done. Two?

I need your reassurance
that these drugs

have not been tampered with.

Tampered with?

Yeah. Cut up with
anything not advertised,

Roald To Perdition.

Our stuff is safe to play with.

Rated "E" for everyone.

Then, yes. We have a deal.

Wondrous!

You will post up outside
of the dollar store,

and we... will herd
customers your way.

That's what's up, Hasidic Stew.

- Sure you right.
- You know what it is.

Hype.

- DAN: Alexanders.
- DARY: How 'r ya now?

Life is like toilet paper -

you're either on a roll or
taking crap off someone.

Where you headed, bud?

Gonna bop my wiener off
the urinals a couple times.

- Booty nude?
- Yeah.

I didn't even know you
could do it slo-mo.

- sn*per.
- Other snipe.

Wayne's sweetie.

Is there a naked photo of
my cousint on your phone?

- Who's your cousint.
- Gail.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, boys.

Too many conkies.

- You've only had five.
- Yeah.

Most people wouldn't consider
that too many conkies.

Yeah. I might be
forgetting a conkies, bro.

Most people would agree that
is a side effect of conkies.

Anyhoo... I don't know.

You don't know?

I'm the conky tonk man.

You're trying to tell me

that you're not sure if you
have a naked photo of Gail -

the Gail - on your phone?

I've got so many naked photos
of broadskis on my phone,

I don't know where it
begins or where it ends.

Yeah. My camera roll include
recent nudes, favourite nudes,

portrait nudes, slo-mo
nudes, time lapse nudes,

and my recently deleted
folder is exclusively nudes.

It's tough to 86 a nude.

Yeah. Some you wish you
could axe immediately.

Yeah. I figured out how
to delete the calculator

and the heart monitor
app off my phone

to make more room
for incoming nudes.

[Chuckling]

But, you know, even if
we were sendeded it,

we wouldn't have
sended it to the boys.

That is like... bad.

Colour me pleasantly
surprised, boys.

I mean, we'd show it
to them, obviously,

twice if they asked.

We just wouldn't, you
know, sended it to them.

And there it is.

Perhaps the skids could
go on the dark web

and figure out who it was.

Worth a shot.

But if you do do that,

please don't tell them
about our stash of nudes

because dark web dudes have the
means to snatch those from us.

Yeah, and we'd get in trouble
with our billet parents.

Don't worry.

We won't sended-ed-ed
them that information.

BOTH: Nert-nert!

[Electronic music playing]

♪ Ahh ♪
Goldstein.

- Campbell's Chunky Stew.
- Hi, Avi!

Roald to Avonlea. 'Sup.

- You know what it is.
- Ah, but in case you don't:

were you able to disperse
our rips in exchange for...

This Boba Fat stack?

- Whoa!
- Oh, wow!

How?

Rather not talk about
it, Rod Stewart.

Please?

Maybe for you, Roald
& the Beautiful.

You see, I devised
a plan of my own.

- That's not part of the plan.
- No, but check it out.

I sold to your regulars,
but for their regular price.

Fair is fair.

This plan of yours to
inflate the prices,

it just didn't add up
meth-amatically speaking.

And trust me, I know
a lot about math

because my dad
was an accountant,

and that's like third best
job you can get as a Jew.

- You're Jewish.
- Are you Jewish?

We didn't even know it. But
what are the first two jobs?

Doctor and lawyer
are tied for first,

and then member of
the Beastie Boys.

- Sure Shot.
- So What'cha Want?

What I did instead was I
hit up my cousint Shlomi.

He's the on campus dealer
at the Yeshiva in Toronto.

- What's a Yeshiva?
- Oh, it's like...

It's like the same as school,

but with a primary
focus on bible studies,

also less girls.

[Chuckling] Okay.

Yeah.

Told him I had a handle
on some good sh*t,

named my price and
he bought it all.

Jews work together, my goy.

L'Chaim.

I sense trickery.

Just... treatery.

How surreptitiously
clandestine of you.

Oh, bee-tee-dubs, one of
the guys you sent over -

really smelly dude, kinda
smelled like unused,

- stacked cardboard boxes...
- [Roald sighing]

yeah, showed me a nude of
Gail from the bar. Yeah.

Had a really dumb
name, something like...

'Jiggly Puff Pat'.
Something like that.

Anyways, you might want to
give your buddy a heads up

he's a proper degen.

Jivin' Pete.

Yes. He is a proper degen.

We will be sure to
pass that information

on to the right people.

But, in the meantime,

to the bar for an alcohol
induced jubilation.

Drinks on me.

You guys go ahead.

I don't want to be late
for Shabbos dinner.

Bubbie's making brisket; I'm
about to f*ck up with my mouth.

Ooh...

Goldstein...

it was a pleasure.

Roald, Milstew, keep it tight.

[Making airplane noise]

[Making expl*si*n sound]

- Shirt tuckers.
- Shirt tuckerettes.

There's something
going around town,

linked to my cousint
Gail. What do you know?

I know it wouldn't be the first
time something went around town

linked to your cousint Gail.

So that was true?

- [Quietly] Yeah.
- Speak!

[Scoffing] Snitches
get stitches.

- [Grunting]
- Snitch or you'll need them.

Tighter. [Yelping]

It was Jivin' Pete!

Are youse coming in?

Need to offset the degen
population in here.

He's gotta be in there.

Gail's gotta know first.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.

[Rock music playing]

Gail, how 'r ya now?

- Good 'n you?
- Oh, I'm not s'bad.

- Cousint.
- Cousint.

Heard youse been having
my back around town.

ALL: Can confirm.

So you know it was Jivin' Pete.

I sent it to him.

Did you... f*ck
Jivin' Pete, Gailer?

No. I just sent him a nude.

But I've f*cked worse.

I once had it off with the
four day shift guys at Timmies

'cause they offered me
a real... Double-Double.

You know what that is, Wayne?

- No.
- Anyways,

I was home with a cold 'cause
cough syrup makes me horny,

and I needed someone
to play carpenter with.

- What's that?
- It's a game.

How does ones plays
carpenters, Gails?

Only two rules. One:
we get hammered.

Two: you nail me. [Grunting]

Gail, you need Jesus.

Good thinking. Best
carpenter there ever was.

So what happened?

Greasy degen was slipping
and sliding all up in my DMs,

so I sent him a little
something to wail on it to.

Cousint, aren't you
mad he went around town

showing it to everyone?

Mad? f*ck did all
my marketing for me.

Like an analog Tinder profile,
going off left and right,

showing me off to every
dangling dong in town.

My phone's burning up.

That nude... is
my business card.

You see it, Daryl?

No, and when I tried
to look at it...

Cool it.

I'll just piss a
little in his drink.

I'll do it for you.

Just gimme a few minutes
to bop it off the urinus.

Well, how you wanna
f*ck this pig?

[Whispering indistinctly]

Sometimes you've gotta
k*ll 'em with kindness.

[Amyl and The Sniffers "Hertz"]

♪

♪ I wanna go see the country ♪

♪ I want to get out of here ♪

♪ I'm sick of
looking at graffiti ♪

♪ On the walls of the
grey walls, the city ♪

♪ I want to drive
in the countryside ♪

♪ I want the
breeze in my hair ♪

♪ I am touching
your leg and... ♪

♪ I have my hand
in your hand ♪

♪ Take me to the beach,
take me to the country ♪

♪ Climb in the backseat,
if you love me ♪

♪ Hire me a car ♪

♪ I wanna go driving ♪

♪ Climb in the backseat,
that's where you'll find me ♪

♪ I see mosquitoes,
they buzz past ♪

♪ Your hand is in mine ♪

♪ I look out the window,
it looks stunning ♪

♪ To see the sun is
setting in the sky ♪

♪ Everyone is wavin'
out the window ♪

♪ It's like they're
excited we're here ♪

♪ I stopped by the
fish and chips shop ♪

♪ They act like mates,
it makes me cheer ♪

♪ Take me to the beach ♪

♪ Take me to the country ♪

♪ Climb in the backseat,
if you love me ♪

♪ Hire me a car ♪

♪ I wanna go driving ♪

♪ Climb in the backseat ♪

♪ That's where
you'll find me ♪

♪

♪ I want you to love me ♪

♪

♪ Do you love me? ♪

♪