01x14 - Episode 14

[bunniefuu]

Are you kidding me?What

is this place?The Four Seasons?This is

apple pie. Maybe for a dollar and a half

it's an apple pie, but for 495, that's

something else altogether.

OK, OK,

lady.

On the other hand, I guess this is what

we'd call the American way, right?Now,

the men's room was... Ah, yes.

Well, nice making your acquaintance and,

uh.. How are you, sir?

Deep Lorbus, you know, to all of you.

By the way, would anybody like to help me

out with some directions on how to get

out of here?

Anybody at all?

Thank you very much.

Sir, I understand you're looking for

directions. Maybe I can help you out.

You hear that, folks?Maybe

some of you people might want to take a

little lesson from the United States

Marine Corps. Well, let me just finish my

chat and we'll be on our way. OK, kid.

Where you headed?Home. Where might that

be?Hadley. Ah, afraid not,

son. I I'm not going to Texas. Thanks.

Sorry, about 60 miles into it.

This is Texas. Deep in the heart of.

Feels like Oklahoma. Texas. It can't

be. I know Texas. I spent 60 years in

Texas. Left on my 18th birthday. Swore

I'd never go back. I don't know how a

person could say that. It's so big and

beautiful. OK, kid, you win.

Finish up. Let's take off. Much applied,

sir. I just want to warn you, you're

going to be traveling with the lone wolf

here. El coyote. Gaucho

Sola La Bamba. How

far is it to have me anyway?Oh, it's only





your bag for you too that's okay I got it

sir can I get a check please it's okay

soldier it's on the house oh thank you

well take it easy everybody let's uh

let's keep in touch okay

well this is the ledger Charles Wilson

speaking no Mr. Maxwell isn't here right

nowI could leave a message but I don't

think it'd do any good no he's not dead

well I guess he could be dead but

we prefer to think him as just disappear

temporarily unless of course he is

dead in which case he might not get this

message but but I'll write it down anyway

and maybe pass along to his next of kin

hello hello

found him yeah goodWhere?

At his desk. Well, if he thinks I'm

coming out there to welcome him home like

Cajun Christmas, he's got another thing

coming. Sit down. Act casual.

What are you talking about?Slap. You said

you found it. I said I found these.

The old columns for the Best of Slap

series. You mean he's not out there?

Don't toy with me, Judy. You know, I'm

this close to kissing the switchboard as

it is. Sorry. We might be able to use

some of this. Here's one on spring

training. Looks kind of generic. all

relief pitchers are overpaid whining

fascists yeah that sounds familiar you

don't think something's happened to him

do you I mean something grizzly you know

the guy I mean you think he finally

milked the wrong camel here's one about

Wayne Gretzky something about a limp puck

can we say that he lasted this long he

ain't gonna die until he gets back here

at which point I'm gonna k*ll him you're

beginning to sound like a broken record a

little flame still goes pitty-pat I see

how about something on the 82 series

He wrote that the same week he ran over

my wife. He just tapped her. He wasn't

even going 20 miles an hour. He never

even apologized. All he ever said was,

she should have wore brighter clothes. I

should have kicked his mustard right then

and there. Look, can we just please stick

to business here?I'm not in the mood to

hear you rake him over the coals for the



figure it?For 20-something years, he's

going nowhere. Then the guy finally gets

it all together in one bucket, face on a

magazine cover, patches it up with his

wife, and then boom. skips out on his own

wedding, drives off with a wild blue

velvet without so much as a bill of fair.

You can do this by yourself. Come on, you

know the guy. What's gotten into him?

Well... He thinks too much. That's the

problem. He's always thinking. Why

couldn't he be more like you?

Well, you think. Just don't make a big

issue of it. Guy runs over my

wife, and I'm worried about it. We need

to have my bricks replastered.

Ralston is there anything I can do

no thanks Charlie any stapling or getting

of coffee or making of copies that you

don't feel up to you're very kind or even

the smallest of things that would be of

comfort in this time of terrible upheaval

I know all about it I know it's supposed

to be a secret but I've heard things

about slap no

about your fiancee the test pilot

ohI can understand if

it's too painful to talk about but okay

Charlie um Neil and I have split up

I know that's what I want to talk to you

about we weren't right for each other

that's all well I can see you're putting

up a brave front but but you're a massive

quivering pudding inside I'm all right

about it really well let's face it I mean

you were probably very intimate with each

other I meanHolding

hands and and kissing and

whispering private things and then who

knows, maybe even went to first base.

Or even second, that would be

understandable. Not third though.

I miss him, Charlie. I think about him

all the time. All entwined like that?

And I want him back.

Who, Mr. Maxwell?

Well, of course we all want him back, but

I'm talking about the man that...

I mean, the one... The...

Oh, my God. Charlie?

It can't be. A little help here?It must

be. Get him some water.

No, not him. Well, yeah, he's got

that mustache. He's three times her age.

He lives in a motel. No, not the motel.

Anywhere but the motel, you don't

understand, this is a tragedy. Ms.

Walston, say so.

And this used to be just a dirt road.

Deserted.

Household, cement and cars.

Volvos.

Swedes. I don't understand.

What's wrong with Swedes?Oh,

nothing. On an individual basis, but

as a race. Blonde.

Chilly. You know Maximin Sidell?

No, sir. Looks frozen.

drives a Volvo. You know, you could have

gotten hurt back there. Me?Nah.

I knew where the exits were. Well,

I could have helped you out, but I did

some time in a break for fighting. If

they nail me again, I'm looking at a

dishonorable discharge. Yeah?

Pretty tough kid, are you?She gotta be to

stay in a corps. Dog

eat dog, I guess, huhAnd the devil take

the time most, sir. You never know when

that call will come, so you gotta be hard

as nails. You ever see combat?

Everything but. Where were you?

Nicaragua, Persian Gulf, or...?

Tokyo. Tokyo?Yeah.

Well, the suburbs of it, really, but

sometimes that place got pretty hectic.

Yeah, yeahPretty good being

home, huhSee the family again?Yeah.

My mom promised she'd bake me a sweet

potato pie. She makes that crush from

scratch. Best in the state of

Texas.

But I kicked me some butt over in Japan.

You better believe it. Oh, I do indeed.

So what do you do?

Anything I want. You got family?

I got everything I need right here. Well,

I hope that's enough for you, sir. It's

more than enough, kid. Seen some

amazing things this past week. Things

that are going on all this

time too.

Fields, mountains, men

working the earth and the sun,

women, kids. I

saw an eagle.

Swear to God, I saw an eagle. I saw the

musical love sinking in the Titanic

extravaganza in Vegas, unbelievable.

That's That's just the beginning though,

I've, before I'm through I'll see the

whole country, maybe the world.

Don't ask me what I do, ask me what I'm

going to do. The answer is straight

ahead. Over that hill, around the bend.

I'm turning back now. Slow down, sir.

Sorry. I guess I got to carry the wig

backer. No, no, the car, slow down. This

is it. Oh, I'm home.

Can I see your license, please?

Absolutely. What

What exactly did I do wrong?Ran a stop

sign, swerved, almost k*lled the Hawkins

family. I guess my mind was somewhere

else. I've been away. I'm back

now, but that's not a very good picture

there. I've had a little gastric problem

at the time. This expired in 1972.

'74, actually, if you look closely. I was

gonna have it renewed, but I've started

getting involved with-- Hey, I know you.

You're Slap Maxwell. Stan Maxwell's boy.

Him and my daddy are both over at the VA

hospital. I'm Brett. Brett

Rathborn. Brett Rathborn, how are you,

man?My gosh, it's been a long time. Last

time I saw you, you must have thought you

were just a kid, huhIt's great seeing you

again, Slap. This is great.

Mighty, where does it go?I mean, where

does the time go, huhYeah, just just zips

along. Well, what are you up to?

mean aside from a greeting of favorite

sons and things like that but what what

are you chief of the the old town now no

no no just just a cop yeah just a cop

yeah like that's something to be ashamed

of oh I'm not ashamed of it right if it

were for cops it wouldn't be tickets

right right

well the old town hasn't changed much has

it not much listen do you uh

by any chance ever see my dad?Heck yeah,

I see him all the time. He's a p*stol ohh

and a half. How's he doing anyway?Okay, I

guess. You ever ask about me?Well, no,

but that ain't surprising. How's that?

Well, you know, after you kind of

took off and ditched him. Who told you

that?Well, everybody knows that. It's

common knowledge, you know, small towns.

No, I didn't ditch it. I mean, hell, I

have papers damn wrote them just 'cause I

don't write them or call them. Forget I

said anything. I didn't mean it. No, no,

no, no, noIt's really kind of amazing to

me in a way. You know, as I recall, you

were president of the class, weren't you?

Yeah. Captain of the football team?

Oh, yeah. And now you're just...

Just the town gossip, huh

Well, it's... Good seat again, slap. Take

care now, here. What about my ticket?

It's all right, old time's sake. Forget

the ticket. No, no, no, no, absolutely

not. Absolutely not. I mean, that's your

job, right?And I'm sure you do it very

well. On the second floor.

There you go. Give me that ticket. That's

That's what you get paid for, right?Huh

And you know something, Brett?The

world is better for it, too. You know

that?Yeah, write it out there.

two L's on here

God I love that sound never been

much on Latin music myself I blame it on

the bossa nova he's talking about the

blender reminds me of me

grinding around in circles windmills up

my mind I feel the song coming out when I

was a kid my parents used to have these

Parties where they'd mix up a big batch

of whiskey sours in their blenders. My

dad would always let me. Then I'd go

upstairs, go to bed, listen to them

laugh and. do the cha-cha and beer

tongues.

Compliments of the house. Just to be sure

nobody's watching. I ain't got enough of

this to go around. Thanks.

Well?Tastes just as

sweet, but it's just

foam, there and gone. The

wisp on the lip of the mist. Believe I

heard a similar absurdity delivered by a

gentleman mustache not too long ago. in

the gents chairworm I for one

more in the loss you never know what you

got till it's gone I know what I got this

$400 bar tab one page Dutch I miss

him well I'm not surprised you two were

kindred spiritsthe point is you're

babe in the cradle you got a whole life

in here Miss Ralston don't worry I'm not

gonna faint I feel strong I figured it

all out what out about Mr.

Maxwell how it happened how he lured you

Dutch would you excuse us why don't I

drift off down the bar Charlie

you don't have to say a word I pieced it

all together you couldn't help yourself

because because he blackmailed you for

something you had nothing to do with and

thenused you or maybe you slipped one of

those Mexican flies into your water I

read about them in magazines Charlie stop

no no it wasn't that it was it was a

Thursday it was late um

you were sitting at your desk and it was

a kind of a busy day because the staplers

had been jammed and the phones were extra

busy and and you were so preoccupied you

didn't know what was happening until

after it happened oh if only I'd been

there is that it

noOkay then It

was a Friday Charlie Slap

didn't lure me You didn't?I

knew what I was doing You did?

Every time Many times

Oh no Charlie

Try to understand this Sometimes

these things happen between people

People maybe but Miss Ralston not you

Why not me?because

you're wonderful you're the Sun

and the moon and and the wind and the

stars you're you're every springtime that

ever wasYou're pine trees

and pine cones. You're the smell of

roses, red roses and white.

You're the princess who went to the

palace and and everyone watched you

dance, but then you ran away and you lost

your slipper and you don't know where to

find it. But somewhere there's a person

who's who's longing to bring it back to

you and searching far and wide and if

only there was time and...

Oh golly.

Charlie I

want you to lick this that

why don't ask questions

just lick it

like that mm-hmm

tastes sweet

come with me where are we goingdon't

worry Dutchman we're just gonna dance

well I'm really not much of a dancer

that's okay because I'm gonna leave well

okay but I only know the box that I went

to dance school when I was a kid I also

need to poke at this here and here

uh this is a cha-cha I

don't know how to cha-cha neither do I

shouldn't we be moving a little faster I

don't think so

Who's Ralston?Shut up, John, okay?

Do you think that's best?

Slash, Max. My goodness.

Kid, no. Is that you?

Long time, slash.