01x15 - Episode 15

[bunniefuu]

For 15 years I have pushed and pulled

this baby until she can finally fly. And

today, the ledger has a chance

for notoriety and respect. When this

award hits the newsstand, people are

going to be buying this damn newspaper

like bees in the rosebush. And this bum

takes a hike to the high ground. I got

paper. Signed a contract. I'll

make the grunion run. You better believe

it, Mr. Judas Benedict Raymond

Burr.

Flat Max, my goodness.

Kitty Nolan, is

that you?What are you doing in Texas?

Me?What about you?I I never

figured. I live here. Always

have, right down the block, remember?You

still live down the block. That's

amazing. Well, I used to live here.

Remember, this is my old house. I know,

Slap, I remember. Looks like that leg's

bleeding. Maybe I better have a look at

it. Yeah, I guess this

old porch, whoa, needs a little work.

Holy cow, some like a million nurse It's

been a bunch Thank gosh Will you sit

down I don't believe that Well,

you look great And what is this, a brand

new baby?Does this hurt?Nah

Oh, oh man, I'm not sure you know what

you're doing there I should, I'm a

registered nurse You're kidding, an

actual nurse?A sister of mercy?Well, I'm

impressed Well, there's a hospital ones I

could do with a raiseLook, I think we

better go over to my place and I'll fix

this leg up for you, okay?Oh, what a

shame. Nice pants. Look,

I want to give you a tetanus shot. Can

you walk with me?Oh, wait a minute. Look

at this nice-looking little boy here.

It's a girl. It's a girl. Oh yeah,

sure it's a girl. Yeah, beautiful. About

that tetanus shot. Yeah.

And her mom is coming home real soon.

Isn't that right?Mom?

Oh, no. You didn't think she was my kid.

Well, I didn't. God, no. But thanks. No,

this is Emmy, my grandchild. My fifth.

My youngest girl, Doreen's first. Ohh I

didn't even know you were married. 32

years, and I can't believe it. And you're

looking because, I mean... Here

we are. I better have a look at that leg

I don't like the way it looks I've

thought about this town a million times

but I haven't been back since the day I

left June 15 1955

that's right goodbye madam you know yes

if one of your kids wants a summer job

please call me no no I'd be glad to help

yeah no I'm very sorry too yeah

not interested might have been he died

six years ago isn't there a writer out

there somewhere that wants this jobI

mean, doing sports at the Ledger is not

without prestige. Not entirely. And our

trophy case isn't exactly empty. What

trophy case?Get down to the archives. Dig

up some of Slap's old columns. Get

somebody to rework the scores. Do you

think he'll ever come back?Not if he took

the Chevy. He never actually took

the Chevy before. Anyway, it doesn't

matter if he does come back. Slap has let

the sand out of the bin for the last

time. And you're serious about replacing

him?Because if you're serious about

replacing him, I want you to consider me

as a candidate. It needs experience. I

have it. You gave me the advice column

last month. I did very well. You said so

yourself. That was marital problems and

romance, girl stuff. I mean, what do you

know about sports?What do you think I've

been doing for the last three years?

Filing memos?I can read, too. I've read

every one of Slap's columns. You did?

Religiously. And he's discussed

many aspects of athletics with me. I'd

like to give you a shot at this job.

You're a nice girl. But you're a girl.

And you're a sexist pig. I said girl. I

mean, what am I supposed to say these

days?Besides, what do you know about the

national pastime?That would be...

Baseball. Ah, the designated hitter rule

will lead to the destruction of the game

as we know it. Definitely taking a

statement. Only f*gs play on Astroturf.

Okay. You got a couple of legitimate

points. But still, there's golf,

football, boxing... Pugilism is the last

vestige of barbarianism. Shattered hulks

with addled synapses stumbling over the

mean streets of... Wait a minute. That

sounds familiar. Think about it,

Nelson.

Thank you. You're getting your color

back. Well, I guess it takes more than a

rusty nail to stop the slapper, huhGood

hunk of beef picks you right up. Oh,

smells onions. No place like home, huh

how you folks doing hey how are you tell

you what why don't you go ahead and sit

down I'll use the telephone for a second

okay okay don't be too long

yes operator uh I want to make this a

collect call please uh

Just tell him it's his brother. It had to

be you. Yeah, I've been pretty

swamped lately. You have people come in

there asking about me. Nope.

What about Nelson and Judy?Nope.

Elliot and Annie?Nope, I meant no one.

That's good. They're taking them like

adults then. Myself as well. Oh,

great. Well, listen, listen,

Dutchman. I I probably don't even have

to ask you this in as much as you have

taken a vow of silence. But, you know,

some people forget about promises and

vows and things like that. So don't take

this personally. OK, pal?Not at all. It's

just imperative that no

one find out where I am.

Absolutely. Listen, Dutchman,

I won't be coming back.

I don't know what was I

thinking he's a lamb

Dutch and innocent

I thought you and Charlie were just

dancing last night there was more

is it acceptable to mix liqueurs it's de

riga in this part of the country hazelnut

and peach please excellent the

boy has a very sensual mouth

frightened but sensual

like a young deer caught in the glare of

the headlights you being the headlights

I didn't sleep with him I didn't say you

did but perhaps a word of warning from

the Surgeon General might be appropriate

here I left I had to

looked into those innocent eyes and I saw

myself where I used to be anyway

oh all out of hazelnut may I suggest

Sambuca fine I think you'll be

pleasedDutch, fix me a cold one

and put a head on its shoulders. And

another one for the young lady here.

Tahel, have one yourself. I feel great.

Want to know why?I've come to a decision

that's going to save me all those

nightmares. Does this decision involve me?

Better than that. Decided to drop the

damn sports column. I mean, there

comes a time when a man's got to stop

throwing himself on a banana, call out

the lions. Time to sh**t the old dog and

let him lie. No more sports. We're

running something else. What could you

possibly run in the place of sports?How

about nothing?Guess it's better run

nothing if you can't run the best. That

it?Slap would be proud to know you feel

that way, Nelson. I told you. I don't

care how he feels anymore. Wounded

to the quick, time to let the scab form.

Nelson, Slap didn't intentionally hurt

you. You know, he doesn't mean to hurt

anybody, he's just... Not meaning to. Is

as mean as meaning

to. Guess I gotta stick something in that

space, though. How about a woman's

editorial column?I could write that.

Fashion, fitness, health advice?How about

a special series on bartending?Include

some of my personal recipes. Maybe my

picture?The point being, we'll

find something. The point being, I'm

through with sports. I'm through with

slap. We're gonna get along just fine

without you. Ain't that right?Absolutely.

Who wants some opinionated old coup?Who

disappears just when I need him. Never

shows up on time. Never pays his bar tab.

No more lawsuits, no more headaches.

Onward and upward. Here, here

Everything okay over here?

Yes.

So, your husband was a

lineman for the AT&T. Yeah. Did he

wear one of those wide leather belts to

hang all those tools on?Yeah. Women find

those very attractive.

Gene had worked his way up to a pretty

good job by the time we married.

Maintenance supervisor. But

even the money didn't make him happy,

so... left him.

Just walked, huhYeah. Left a

beautiful wife, a home, her children.

Yeah.

What kind of man does that?Oh, he-- he

came back, though. Stayed just

long enough to father my youngest girl.

And then drove the new Buick into the

rear end of a tractor-trailer. Gene's

dead?No, Gene isn't dead.

Should be though. Doesn't know me from

a wax turner. I keep him up at the

baker home and I do physical

therapy on him once or twice a week.

That's a real nice place. If you have

someone who needs care like that.

That's what I hear.

You must be getting pretty tired of all

this small town stuff. No, no, no,

really. This is like, you know, salt of

the earth. It's like a pair of old

slippers. I like the big city pressure,

you know. Putting out a sports

column day after day, you know.

Got your own column, huhYeah. Yeah, I do.

I call it, uh, slap shots.

Copy of that. picture on the top here and

there you go. Oh.

Cute. Yeah. Aren't you

sure I like a mustache?Well, that's just,

you know, that's all part of the image

they have, you know, mustache, cigar,

tie, hat. Ledger.

Looks like a nice little paper. Well, not

the New York Times, but, you know, out in

that part of the country, it has a...

Pretty good reputation. Yeah, and of

course, they just recently have Sports

Monthly magazine. They made me a

sports writer of the year. Well,

that's something, isn't

it?Anyone ever tell you that you look

like Burt Reynolds?What?

In Cannonball Run Part 2, I mean, that's

just about my favorite movie. And he's so

handsome, I I think you look just like

him. I never heard that one before.

When you scowl. When I scowl?You

probably don't even know you're doing it.

You get all hunched over, you know, and

kind of tight-faced and tense and look

like you're all angry inside.

You are truly your mark one, you know

that kitty?I mean, you just see through

me like a pane of glass. Right

past, you know, the cigar, the

mustache and the tie and all that stuff.

Past... past the Burt Reynolds look.

Past the success. Past the big city

sophistication. See me.

The simple me, the real me.

You're such a liar, Slap. Well, Slap

Maxwell never lies. You're a born liar.

I mean, it's in your blood. Oh, I

mean, you're a bad liar. Kind of

sweet, in fact. You just can't

help but lie. If the truth didn't

bite you on the butt from time to time,

you wouldn't know it. It's what makes you

slap.

You're a spinner of fancy

dreams. You

know, I I remember when

you would hold me in your arms in that

old car andtell me stories

of what and who

you were gonna be

you didn't believe me?I don't know if I

ever believed you but I I sure believed

in you you were so

pretty to listen to I thought I'd died

and gone to heaven

you know that's not uh that's

not really his hair

Burt Reynolds. That's That's a rug. Oh,

God.

So good to see you. We got fresh apple

pie tonight. Y'all want to try some?Well,

I'll tell you, I put a little scoop of

vanilla on mine, I think we can call some

business. Okey-dokey. Sad,

anybody ever tell you you look like Burt,

uh, Condi?

Charlie we've got to talk yes

Miss Austin look at me Charlie

about the other nightCharlie

please look at me

I can't it doesn't make any sense it's

wrong it's all wrong it would spell

ruination what are you talking about

Miss Ralston you you're

an incredibly beautiful luscious

mouth-watering sexual being

right but I want to talk about the other

night I am talking about the other night

Miss Ralston if we fell in loveand

believe me I know myself we would I would

probably devote my entire life to you

well that's probably because you're a

very caring person and I would try to do

everything I could to make you happy I

would do anything Charlie you don't mean

that I do and it would be horrible

I could become your

sl*ve a pandering

sniveling puppy I'd hate that

exactly and I'd hate myself

Well, what if I started hating you for

turning me into this... Meandering,

sniveling puppy?Yes, like all those other

men who come with to feed you and start

whimpering almost immediately. Yeah, that

really gets on my nerves. Well, I

wouldn't do that. I'd... I'd

maybe become this... This cruel,

domineering brute, uh, daily

thinking of new and and more senseless

ways to make you unhappy. Like Mr.

Maxwell used to do. And I know you'd

never take that from me, but so you see?

finally you'd leave me

Oh Miss Ralston if ever you left me

my life would be destroyed

that's why we

can't let this go any further between us

you're right what

I agree with you you do

well about which partAll of it. It

was wrong from the minute it started, and

I blame myself. So,

let's just forget the whole thing

happened, okay?OkayEven though

I'm not sniveling right now, and there's

always a chance I could become a stronger

person, or maybe you might even enjoy

having a sl*ve-- Charlie, you're gonna

make some woman very happy someday.

What have I done?Elvis

Presley, uh..

Love Me Tender. No. NoHe didn't even

record that 'til '56. Really?

I swear to you, we did not have an hour

song. Well, that's unbelievable to me. I

mean, we were so much in love. We were so

close. We only went steady for four

months. Best four months of my life.

And you led a pretty miserable life,baby.

You're looking like you're about to say

something deep Do you believe in

fate?No NoNot really, no

Well, what brought you out there today to

my old house?

I was walking the baby Well, of course

the baby, but I mean...

How did you happen to appear at that

precise moment in time when I was

standing there...

wounded?Well, I saw you

and I I wondered if you was from the

county. They condemned that old place,

you knowShouldn't anybody be on that

porch?That's the point. I was.

The day I come back to town, there you

are waiting for me. Your house is on the

same street as my house. Two

marriages painfully destroyed.

Both of us for the first time now able to

reach out to someone new. Or someone

old?But two peoplein need of a

friend and here I

am and here you are

you know somewhere along the line

my life went out of whack

and I thought I would just come back to

where it all started

and maybe see if I could figure the

puzzle out you know pick up the pieces

put them back together

maybe in a new way

you want another beer no

ice-cold coke no

anything I want the last 30

years back the

tall order slack I

just don't think it works that wayHow

does it work?Well, I think we're

given just so much in this life. We do

what we can with it. We use it up,

waste it or throw it away. It's gone.

We don't get it back. So what are you

saying?I'm gonna get

myself another beer. Sure you don't want

one?I don't think so.

Suit yourself. In fact, I'd better. I'd

better be going. What for?

Well, I've got to go down to the motel,

check in. Oh, why don't you stay here

tonight?Oh, no, no, noI couldn't do that.

I'll be fine at the hotel. Slap. It'll be

just like home. No, really, I

I couldn't under the kids might.

Well, this is a small town, honey. I

mean, people talk. It's the 80s slap,

even in this godforsaken town. What about

your reputation?A professional ethic, a

job at the hospital, all those things.

Believe me, people don't give a damn.

Some do. One or two. I insist.

No, I couldn't, really.

I'll... I'll feed you in the

morning. I

used to make those great biscuits.

Feed this quick.

I've gotta get something out of the car.

What?Toothbrush, pajamas. I've

got an extra toothbrush. Good.

Come on, I've got a lot of catching up to

do.