01x17 - Episode 17

[bunniefuu]

previously on Slap Maxwell Nelson do you

mean you're gonna replace Slap with

somebody out of a folder somebody we

don't even know Kitty Noble long time

Slap Nelson doesn't think Slap's coming

back what do you think Dutch

have you heard anything from him not a

peep come on I've got a lot of catching

up to do I won't be coming back

who the hell are you I'm your new sports

writer Harper

call me Lougo.

I'll just

have to take a look

here.

So this is it, huhThe

American dream. The joy of

inhaling a quart and a half of kitchen

sludge. beauty of

stuffing dead grass into a hefty bag.

The thrill of obliterating your thumb

with a three-pound claw hammer.

Yep. This is it, all right.

Ohh

Ongoing struggle between

handyman and septic tank.

average American everyday hero

against drain pipe

that's what we're talking about here

okay honey now let's see uh

you've got a try

okay all right that's

progress

I think they knew they couldn't escape.

Hell, they were smack in the middle of

n*zi Germany. Are you kidding?They could

have gotten out anytime they wanted to.

Even if Schultz knew there was an escape,

he wouldn't say anything. And that other

guy, what's his name, that Colonel Klink?

That man was an idiot.

Good morning, folks. I'd like to say a

few words here. Well, it's the same thing

with Jeannie. She couldn't have come out

of that bottle in the time she wanted.

She had turned into smoke.

Hey, I'm talking over here. Thank you.

Now, I'd like to have a word with you

folks about a couple of things. Now, I

know we've all had our share of problems.

But if we're going to talk about that

piece on the Pettersen case, I can assure

you, Nelson, I double-checked the

spelling myself and it was A-OK. It

doesn't matter, Lloyd. Yeah, nice work,

Lloyd. Pettersen was sentenced to lice in

prison for premedicated murmur.

Anyway, as you all know, we've had some

tough times of late. Circulation's been

off, fortunes look grim, but

today I am proud to announce that we're

going to be looking at a whole new ball

of beans, a fresh start for the old rag.

Let me officially introduce you to our

new sports writer, our new

ace in the race. Lou?

Ladies and gentlemen, Lou Harper.

Thanks, Nelson. Guess I'm

supposed to say a few things about

myself. Well, I'm not much for tooting my

own horn, so I'll keep it short and

sweet. I was raised in a

small town in the middle of the Missouri

Corn Belt, but I'm not saying how long

ago. And I remember one summer

evening, sitting on my granddaddy's lap,

looking out over an endless sea of rich

green corn st*lks. They

stretched as far as the eye could see.

And Granddaddy asked me what I wanted to

do when I grew up, and I said,

Granddaddy, I'm going to leave all this

and do something to help my fellow man.

And he smiled and said, Why'd you decide

that?And I said, Because

I'm sick of all this corn.

And that's what I've tried to do as a

sports writer, go easy on the corn.

Well, I guess that's about it unless

anybody has any questions Yeah

Who's going to take the playoffs this

year?Which ones?Take your pick Hockey

I think the Flyers ought to bury Edmonton

Too much dissension, even with Gretzky

Basketball I wish I could tell you it'd

be Michael Jordan and the Bulls but

there's still one power forward short so

I'm afraid we're stuck with the Lakers

one more year but watch out for Seattle

Any other questions?Good

Everybody, let's get to it. Back to work.

Thank you all. Really.

Man, oh man. Sharp as

two tacks stuck in a duck.

Judy, you want to scrape up some of that

old Maxwell stuff so that Lou there knows

the kind of stuff we don't want?

Excuse me. miss

missus miss Harper um you're

Charlie aren't you that's right ma'am

Charles Wilson and I just want you to

know that if you need any assistance at

all I'm available you could help me clear

everything out of this alcove I can't

do that this is Mr. Maxwell's stuff and

he's not here well that's the idea isn't

it but if you should come back and see

his desk empty I'm almost certain

something bad would happen to me

personally we'll start with the top drawer

Here, why don't you grab some of

those photographs off the wall and put

them in here. You mean the one of the 49

longhorns in Ted Williams?Yeah. Well,

um, they they sort of can't be moved.

They They sort of belong there on the

wall. Mr. Maxwell, he, um..

There, they're yours. Take them home.

Charlie?I think we should just put these

in storage Stewart isn't it?

You know I get the feeling that I'm

dismantling some kind of shrine Your Mr.

Maxwell must have been well-liked around

here Well-liked?Well

I liked him just to name one person

and a lot of people who didn't know him

personally they liked him and those who

didn't like him well they certainly

noticed him

Here Nelson said you might need these

Thanks. And

for what it's worth, I appreciate your

help. You know, a lot of people wouldn't

even offer. First day on the job, new

faces, new town.

Well, if there's anything else I can do,

my desk is right over there. Miss Rolson,

aren't these the earrings you used to

wear?No, but they were right there.

Thanks, Charlie. Ah,

he fixed them. Slap was

good with tools.

Sorry it took so long, honey. Thank you.

The guy had trouble making change.

Must have been chewing gum at the same

time. Thank you.

Sorry about this darn car top, too.

No corn dog?No, in the bag. No.

No

That's apropos. Well, they have a

little ordinance in this town against

hiring competent people. All right, Slap,

there's another bag of fries. I can fill

up on those. You ever get tired of this,

honey?Living here in

Mayberry, RFD. Any

catcher?Tom, we're the only show movies

that are about 20 years out of

date. Slap, come on.

Well, I've seen this thing, honey. A

bunch of monkeys who discover a brick,

scratch their heads. A million years

later, Dave unhooks Hal and floats around

in space until he turns into an embryo,

just a standard storyline. Look,

Slap, if you want to go, we'll go.

Just like that huh you go Sure I don't

want to stay if you don't

You just pick up and leave you don't want

to argue?About what?I

like it and you don't

Well let's Let's

argue about something else Why?Well

because I feel like arguing okay I think

it's good for us to argue

Okay

Okay

See, honey, you can't even argue about

arguing Slam! Well, no, I say

let's argue and you just say OK and you

don't even want to argue Well, you're

getting me confused I just want you to

tell me, just I don't want to argue If

that's the way you feel, say it I did

That's good That's good, now that's a

start Look, Slam, if you want to go home,

we'll go home I want to

watch some movieThen hush.

Why?Oh, that's right.

This one's a tough one.

Damn fine writing. Oh, punches pulled.

Sharp images, clear, crisp.

Solid writing. I get the feeling you're

gonna say but. Well, that slap Maxwell

stuff. Sort of sweeping him under the

sofa, don't you think?He deserted you.

And this paper. This town, remember?

This makes it sound like he's dead. As

far as this paper's concerned, he is.

It's time for a new voice, a new

style, real sports journalism.

Not just a string of clever homilies,

one man's scant view of the sports world.

Slap shots, it was about Slap Maxwell.

Oh, Harper on sports is about sports.

I don't know. This doesn't feel right.

I mean I know the man annoyed the

whiskers off everybody especially me

still I was his best friend

this is business and you know as

well as I do you can't base business

solely on friendship I don't know

I just want to be sure I'm keeping the

worms off the sidewalk you know what I

mean absolutely spoon in the

kettle you don't get burned you're

right you're absolutely right

soWe run it.

We run it.

Don't worry about threading the

sprinkler. No, no, no, I'll just hang it

over a radiator. Right in the

sprinkler.

Oh, boy.

Oh, honey, I'm

sorry, I'm...

Look, I've... I know I shouldn't yell at

the nurse. Look, I promise I'll never

yell at him again, okay?He just... Oh,

no, it's not bad.

No?What is it, then?

Kip found out he has a malignant tumor.

Kip?And he just got married to

Brittany a month ago. Oh,

your soap opera. You're sitting here

crying over a soap opera.

Will you finish feeding her for me?I'll

make her some coffee.

Okay. I mean, anybody but kid, we

had such a great future.

Okay, here goes nothing.

What is this, nuclear waste?

Flat, you've had a burr under your saddle

all morning. There's something you want

to talk about. No, honey, not really. I

mean, it's just your life. I mean, is

this what it's come to?Ryan's hope,

taking care of this little rugrat. I

mean, I know there's the hospital and all

that, but you see, honey,

OK, we're trying to have a little

conversation. Look, I like being a nurse.

I like working at the hospital. I know it

isn't big, but it means a lot to me. I

know. Thank

you. I see. that's

my point I mean you're a nurse you can

work in any town you want to now why

don't I pick one that has a an actual

stoplight

you're gonna leave aren't you that's what

this is all about

I just want to go to a town where most of

the adults are literate loved it last

week the simplicity you said it was real

I know this is true but I've got to

hear car horns again

OK. Any idea where you'll

be going?Both of us. You're coming with

me. I have my family's here. My whole

life is here. Honey, we'll take a

photograph album with us, but let's go.

Let's just get in the car and go north to

Chicago, maybe over to Seattle,

down to California, LA. LA has a

paper that I happen to know needs a

little help. I I don't know.

Katie, do you love me?

well let's do it right now I

mean right this instant let's just pack

and leave what about the

baby I'll leave her my MasterCard you

please just a little joke we'll wait till

her mom gets somewhere but I want you to

see me in my natural environment tracking

down a lead ruffling a few feathers

pounding out my column under the crunch

of a deadline I mean I've got to have

that wellI

have to wait till after my shift. I mean,

I I just can't leave him hanging, you

know, no no notice. Jakes, I'll meet you

at Jakes at 4 o'clock, all right?It's a

little early. 4:15, OK?4:15. Oh,

great. Are

you trying to tell me Fred Ziffel never

watched TV?I didn't say never watched TV,

I said he watched what Arnold watched.

You mean Fred let a pig do his

programming for him?Well, ask the

Dutchman. Go ahead, ask him. Gotcha.

Green Acres?Yeah. Fred Arnold had the

last word. Fred and Doris pretty much

watched whatever Arnold watched. I

suppose they had a satellite dish. Not

then.

Nelson got you delivering papers now?No.

Just thought you might want to look it

over. Lou Harper

on sports. Didn't I meet him?Yeah, only

he's a she. Ah, yes, all coming back to

me now. I didn't meet the she.

From Mike Schmidt poking a hole in the

sky with another home run, to Dan Marino

ignoring his rabid knees to fling Spears

into his mammoth oppressors. These are

moments to treasure, and I will treasure

them with you. She has a certain style,

doesn't she?I mean, she doesn't out and

out stink. Is that what you were hoping?

Won't give you a view through beveled

glass. No bile colored tint on this

writer's lens. Just sports, plain and

simple. You think she's good, huhParks

back to another era. Krispox

poets. Not to mention the fact that she's

nice. I like her, Dutch.

She puts you in a quandary, quandarily

speaking. I just keep wondering how he'd

feel about this if he knew. No way he

could know unless the ledger's got

nationwide circulation. You're probably

right. And there's probably not even one

person who'd know where he is to tell

him. But

since we're already theorizing, who do

you think that one person would be?

Theoretically. In this whole town,

who would slap Maxwell confide in?

Hard to actually say about something like

that.

Well, I'd better get back up there.

Not that there's much to get back up to.

it's real quiet up there smooth no bumps

nobody to stir things up

uh about your theory

maybe I'll ask around maybe you

will

Tell them, Dutchman, will you?Pigs don't

sweat. Tell them. I believe we had the

same discussion about a week ago, Howard.

Looked it up, in fact. Pigs don't sweat.

Can't. No sweat glands.

Okay, but they stutter. I know that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Excuse me,

is this clock running?

Is this clock a little fast?Yeah,

exactly 12 hours fast.

American Indian, right?Not

usually noted for their humor.

Hey, ain't you that guy

that comes in here once in a while, Kitty

Nolan?Yeah, you didn't see her in here

earlier, did you?I'm I'm a little late.

No. You You originally come from

around this area. Maybe. Kitty in high

school back in the 1800s?

Yeah. What, are you the village historian?

Yeah, maybe.

You know her pretty well, do you?

Well, that's anybody, I guess. She's not

usually late, is she?Not unless she's got

something she has to do or

something she don't want to say.

You know, you you wonder

sometimes what's the good

or good feelings?

You run as hard as you can for 50

years. Come up looking at the

sunset. Not much to do for

it. No job, no home.

No place to go. Hey,

I got me a fresh blueberry pie back

there. Real flaky crust.

No thanks, pal.

Man have to look a long time to find a

site more pitiful than this. Gotcha.

Ain't Cinderella. What are you

doing here?Just passing through the

general metropolitan area when I happened

across that sorry excuse of yours for a

car. Just passing through,

huhMan, it's back to play the story. Yeah?

I got this thing. It was a

single-engine stock duster, who handed

his way, so I thought I'd take me a

leisurely airplane ride. What do we have

here?Nothing much. Small-town

newspaper making a comeback. Ah,

Lou Harper on sports. Ten a c*ck you

brand new kid. What's he about a year and

a half out of college?Failed jock, tying

his hand at a typewriter, right?Hard to

tell except on the issue of his general

gender, and as I understand it, he's

generally a she, not a he. A woman?

Let me guess, about 210 pounds of butch

haircut just knocked the hell out of you

if you opened the door for her, right?The

readers are writing in. What the hell do

they know?Oh, you've got to be desperate

times for old Nelson, right?Oh,

boy. OK.

Your little ploy worked. I hear you.

They're calling me back. And when I hear

a cry like that, a plaintive cry,

It's just not in my blood. I did go

unanswered. Sue?All

I need is a bone boost to change it.

Let's go. Uh, you know, Dutch, you

let something like this go, you'll be

seeing full-page spreads on

color-coordinated uniforms, hair care for

the serious athlete. And some folks say

this Lou Hopper steals the shoes you left

behind. Not a chance, Dutchman.

so why didn't you just phone?I kind of

wanted to see that silly looking

mustache, that receding hairline. Smell

that smelly cigar in person.

Mystery, is that it?That, and you've got

about a $400 tab running at the

restaurant. Silly looking, huh

Pretty much. Out of style, mostly.

Good shave, isn't it?Thereby leaving the

alternative, which is worse.

A woman, huh