01x06 - September 9, 1998

[bunniefuu]

Good evening and welcome to Whose Line Is

It Anyway?Tonight's performers are the

love star, Brad Sherwood, America's

sweetheart, Kathy Kinney, Canada's

favorite TV dad, Colin Mochrie, and

Mr. Tall and Goofy himself, Brian

Stiles. And I'm your host, Jim Carrey.

Come on, let's have some fun.

Yes, and welcome to Whose Line Is It

Anyway, the show where everything's

made-up and the points don't matter.

What happens on the show is we've got

some suggestions that we thought of

before the show. We've got some

suggestions from the audience. None of

our performers have heard any of them

previously, and they're going to come up

on stage here and totally improvise

everything live on the spot. You're going

to be amazed at how brilliant they are.

Then I'll award them points. The points

will really matter, so I'm just going to

pick who I like at the end of the show to

be the winner. Now do a little improv

with me. Are you ready to start off the

first game, see how it goes?Okay.

We'll start with a game called Let's Make

a Date. This is for all four performers.

Now, Ryan, Colin, and Brad, you're gonna

be contestants on a dating-type show, and

you're hoping to be picked by Kathy,

who'll wanna hope to pick one of these

fine men to go out with her. Except we've

given in these envelopes one of your

dating hopefuls a little quirk or an

attitude or identity or characteristics.

once again to remind you that they

haven't seen anything that's been in

these envelopes before. And let's see

what happens. Kathy, whenever you're

ready, go ahead. Bachelor number one,

like, if you were gonna take me on a

dream date, like, where would you take me?

Well, before we go anywhere, you need a

cream rinse.

I am just looking at you, and your

head is a disaster area.

Um, okay. Uh, bachelor number

two. Um, if you were going to fly

me to a really romantic

place, where would that place be?

And what what would we...

I'm going to think of romance at a time

like this! This is

your fault, you son of a...

ohh

Thank you. Um,

bachelor number three?Yes?If you were

gonna buy me, like, a pet, what kind of

pet would that be and what would you call

it?I probably wouldn't buy it for you.

I'd steal it. Steal! Steal! What's going

through your mind?Are you taking just the

bonds of your hair?

Thank you. Um,

like, back to number one, if you were

gonna take me to a

fancy restaurant, what kind of restaurant

would it be?Well, I just can't believe

you're so worried about getting a date

when you're having a hair emergency! Gee,

I wanna call Rescue 911, 'cause you've

got split ends like nobody's business.

You wanna go eat food, my God, you should

wear a bag over your head.

Thank you.

Um, like, bachelor number

two, you know, if you were a

piece of women's clothing, what

kind would you be and what color?I'd

probably be a bra. A push-up! Push! Push!

Come on, go! Go, go,

go, go! Go, go, go!

Um, thank you. And

finally, um, bachelor number three?

Yes?If you were gonna take me

out on a date to a film, what kind of

film would it be?Probably, um..

Probably some, uh, film that everyone

could enjoy together as a crowd. Just to

be together is the greatest thing in the

world. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.

Excuse me. Okay.

Kathy, uh.. Thank you.

Thank you. Kathy, uh, can you go ahead

and try to guess who they are?Well, I...

I don't want to date... bachelor number

one, an a*usive hairdresser. Uh,

yeah, close enough. Stressed-out

hairdresser. They're all a*usive, really.

We'll say stressed-out hairdresser. Okay.

And I certainly don't want to date

bachelor number two, a man in labor.

Yes.

But I'm highly attracted to bachelor

number three, a rabid fan at some kind of

sporting event. Yes, exactly.

Good job.



the points don't matter. It's just gonna

be who I like wins at the end of the

show. Uh, now we go on to a game called

Sound Effects. Uh, Colin, you're gonna

improvise a scene, and you have to

respond to sound effects made by Ryan.

Ryan, come and get your microphone. Uh,

your scene is, Colin, you're uh, the Lone

Ranger, and you find out that outlaws

have hijacked a speeding train. Get

it?Okay. A lot of

points right in this one. Don't blow it.

Ah

umm oh

Thank you very much.

That was great. I'm gonna award points in

that game according to shoe size.

Congratulations, Ryan.

Big winner there. Now we go on to a game

called Daytime Talk Shows for all four of

you. Brad, you're gonna be the host of a

daytime talk show. Ryan and Kathy, you're

going to be appearing on the talk show.

And Colin, you're a member of the

audience. One of those idiots who ask

questions during the talk show. The

subject of the talk show isn't a regular

one. It's going to be dealing with a

fairy tale. So what we need from the

audience is a suggestion for a fairy tale

you'd like to see. Three

Little Pigs. Sounds great. Thank you very

much. So glad you were sitting there.

Three Little Pigs is the name of the talk

show. Go ahead, Brad. Hello, and welcome

to Swine Talk. I'm Carl Trichinosis,

and we've got a very hot property topic

for you today. We're talking about the

three little pigs. They were building

houses, and woof, woof, woof woof, puff,

puff, puff, puff, they got blown down.

Let's find out who our first guest is.

Sir?I'm Thomas Guide, and I run the, uh..

the neighborhood watch in the area.

And, uh, can you tell us, have there been

problems with the wolf?There's always

problems when pigs move into the

neighborhood.

We had a good, respectful neighborhood,

and then you got pigs moving in. You

know, take care of the place. There's

cars parked all over the lawn. I take it

you don't like pigs. Hate 'em. Like 'em

with eggs.

We'll get back to you in a

second. Uh, ma'am, could you tell us who

you earn while you're here?My name's

Prudence Pig. I'm the mother

of the two children that were lost when

the houses fell down. And I say if you'd

just been watching a little better, that

wolf never would have got in there and my

children would still be alive. How do you

watch a wolf?They come at night when

you're sleeping. A man's got to sleep. A

man's got to sleep.

I bet you wouldn't have been sleeping if

it would have been like ducks. Or dogs or

cats in their houses. Oh, I don't eat one

of them. Yeah, how do you feel about that?

What if it were ducks or dogs or monkeys?

Don't mind ducks. They clean up after

themselves. Monkeys, they go to work,

they're gone all day. Just don't

like pigs. All right, well, before this

gets any hotter, we're gonna go to our

studio audience and see if they have any

questions. Let me look around. Uh, you,

sir, with the microphone on. Yeah.

I'm the big bad wolf's brother, the

medium slightly ticked-off wolf.

He's been getting some bad press from

this. Has she mentioned that he is the

father of those children?That's a lie!

And she's been speaking with him for the

last five years. You want a piece?

I want a piece of you. Come on, Peter,

I'll take that.

You

want a piece of me?You want a piece of me?

This is ridiculous that we're arguing all

this. It's been done. She's actually a

finewoman for a pig. As a matter of

fact...

I know we've had a lot of problems in the

past.

I'd like you to sire my children.

This is very romantic. And remember, it's

the other white meat. That's all we have

time for here on Blind Talks. Thank you

very much. That's great. Thanks very

much. We'll be right back with more Who's

Line Is It Anyway right after this. Come

throw away.

Welcome back to Who's Line Is It Anyway.

What an exciting score we have. One of

you is sure to win. I'm positive of that.

Let's go on to a game called props. And

here are the props right here. Ryan and

Kathy, come up and get your prop.

Don't ask me. I'm gonna make it. Here you

go. And Colin and Brad, this is

your prop. It doesn't even stand up.

And what's gonna happen is they're gonna

do as many amusing things as they can do

with these props that they've never seen

before until tonight. And I'll buzz them

out in between. Ryan and Kathy, why don't

you start?Three, two, one.

Mark, we got a crime to solve. Ironsides!

OhhThat was the best T-bone I've everhad.

Did you hear my concert with Billy Joel

was canceled?Hmm,

I see. Well, let's just have a little

listen.

The doctor said it'll keep me from

licking my stitches.

Here's a peanut. Here's a

peanut.

I can see the head, Mrs. Johnson.

Okay. Thank you very much.

That'll be 100 points for Brad for, uh..

you know what.

See you after the show, Brad. Let's go on

to a game called Helping Hands.

Whoo-hoo! Ryan, you're gonna act out a

situation with Brad, but as in real life,

Ryan can't use his own arms. And Collins,

gonna provide the arms for him. Your

scene is... Ryan, you're a lovesick

Italian pizza maker.

Don't forget the little mustache. Did I

see a mustache there?I thought you might

forget aboutThere you

go. Perfect.

And anytime you're ready, go ahead.

Oh. I'm so sad today.

Why are you so sad?My girl, she'll leave

me today She take a plane, she fly away

Off to America. But didn't you always say

that to make yourself happier, you'd make

yourself a pizza pie?Oh, you're a sweet

boy. When I look in that face, I think of

your daddy, my brother, and I think, Oh,

boy, I should have left you in that

field. But, yes, I

always cheer myself up with making the

pizza. Maybe my heart would not be so

broken. First, you never made the pizza

before. Is this your first time?Show me

how. Ohh First, you're taking the dough.

I like to make a lot of dough. It's a

jokey. It's a jokey. First, we beat the

dough back and forth, and then we flatten

it out. We flatten it out into a big,

flattened fin. With the rolling pin?Yes,

with the rolling pin. Who's a-cooking

here?I'm

a-cooking here. I think I'll

use the rolling pin. Yes, I roll

out the dough, and I get the dough nice

and flat. That's not the very fact, Uncle

Luigi. I take the dough right there, and

you pat the dough down, and I throw it up

in the air. We catch the dough. We catch

the dough like that, and a long, low

bounce. There's the dough right there.

Now, I'm gonna take another piece of

dough. There's a piece. I see it. What,

am I blinding?I put the dough down. I put

the dough down. Usually, I have a little

sauce, okay?Here it is right over here in

the bottle. In the bottle, here's the

little sauce. Oh, you're using a chianti

sauce. Yes. I have a little bit for me.

Just a tiny, tiny...

Oh, that's a good... That's a good sauce.

Okay. Oh, a little behind

Okay, I gotta make it the pizza fast. I

put a little thing on there. I take in

the tomatoes in the bowl. I'm gonna take

in the tomato or the mushrooms. We start

with the mushrooms. We put it on the

pizza. A little pepperoni, a little

pepperoni that goes... A little cheesy.

Ohh I love a pepperoni. Do you feel like

it's a pepperoni?Just a little piece. Ohh

See, me, with the pepperoni, I can't eat

the one piece. I gotta eat a whole ton of

it. All at once, all at once with the

pepperoni.

Thank you very much. That

was great. Uh, that was great.

Unfortunately, that was a non-scoring

round.

Now we're gonna go on to Ryan's favorite,

a hoedown. Whoo!

This is for everyone with the help of

Laura Hall. God bless you, Laura Hall.

What I need from the audience is

something about modern life that annoys

you. Getting your pizza late. What was

that about pizza?Getting your pizza late.

Getting your pizza late. That's a very

good one. We'll use that one.

So, Laura, let's do the getting your

pizza late hoedown.

I ordered a pizza on a movie

date And then I got so mad because that

damn pizza was late By the time it

got there it was frozen and I tried

I was so darn angry that I shot the pizza

guy

I wanted a pizza I was really hungry

I can't cook much I order, you

see When the pizza came, it was very cold

The cheese was hard and all And the

sausage was petrified I was really

mad Oh!

I'm waiting for my pizza. It's been three

hours now. I'm getting really angry,

just like a British cow. It really is

upsetting. I'm going to really go. When

he gives me my pizza, I won't give him

his go.

My uncle died yesterday. He owned a pizza

place. in the coffin He looked

peaceful with his face Cooking pizzas

was so fun And his name was Sid When I

opened up the coffin He was stuck to the

lid I was stuck

to the

lid That was great. Don't forget, when we

come back, the winner's gonna play a game

with thieves, so don't go anywhere. We'll

be right back with more Whose Line is it

anywhere?

Hello, and welcome back to Who's Vine

News anyway. Tonight's winner, Lewis from

The Drew Carey Show. That's...

That's The Drew Carey Show, Wednesdays at



Speaking of ABC, we're gonna do a game

called 90-Second Alphabet, and what's

gonna happen is you're gonna give us a

letter to start out. We have to do a

whole scene, and everything we say has to

start with the next letter, alphabet.

Beginning with the letter what, what what

Q. That was the first one I heard, so

we'll begin with the letter Q. And Brad,

what's the... We have 90 seconds to do

this. Brad, what's the scene?The scene is

Ryan is Zorro, who finally catches up

with the villain played by you, Drew. Are

you guys ready?90 seconds and go.

Quit chasing me! Right, then stop.

I'm here to k*ll you.

Right, that's what I'm here for. Well,

stop is what I did, so do what you have

to do. Too many people have died at my

sword. I'm going to change my ways.

Under what circumstances?Very unusual

circumstances, my friend. Wonder what

they are. Xavier

Kugat once said to me...

Never k*ll a defenseless man.

Yes, that's why I have a sword. I'm ready

for you anytime. zip-a-dee-doo-dah.

Defend yourself, my friend. And

guard. Boy,

you're better than I thought you were.

Cool, huhDamn right. Ever have a

man slit off... Oh, your butt is...

Four. 30 seconds.

Four men have stabbed me in that way

before. God, are you all right?Ha-ha, I

was kidding. Oh! I...

I

Justice has been done. He is dead and I

am free. Knife. Where's my knife?

Here, let me help you with that. Ten

seconds. I love you. Thank you

so much. Man,

you're soft and mushy.

Now you know. Oh, I knew

before. I just couldn't say anything.

Party dance?Quickly. All right.

Thank you very much for watching. We'll

be back next time with Who's Live Is It

Anyway. Good night.