01x09 - December 16, 1998

[bunniefuu]

Good evening and welcome to Whose Line Is

It Anyway?Tonight, our performers are the

other white meat, Greg Poops, strong

enough for a man but named for a woman,

Wayne Brady. I can't believe he's on

butter, Colin Mochrie. And catch, asked

for by name, Brian Style. And I'm your

host, Drew Carey. Come on, let's have

some fun.

Thank you. Thanks everybody. Welcome to

Whose Line Is It Anyway, the show where

everything's made-up and the points don't

matter. What happens on the show is we

got suggestions here in these cards that

the performers have never seen before.

We're going to take suggestions from the

audience and these guys are going to have

to make up different sketches and skits

and make it all funny right off the top

of their heads without ever knowing what

they're going to do. And then I award

them points, which really don't make a

hell of a lot of difference. And at the

end of the show, whoever the winner is or

whoever I like best gets to do a little

something with me.

And whether the thing we do together

makes it to air or not is really up to

the censors. First

game we're gonna play is a game called

Superheroes. This is for all four of you,

and they're gonna act the scene out as

unlikely superheroes. Greg's gonna start,

and then Ryan, Colin, and Wayne are gonna

join them as each new superhero comes in

the room, and then they'll each give each

other their names. And what I need is

from the audience is a suggestion for the

name of an unlikely superhero.

Fruit and vegetable man. Sounds

great. So, Greg, you're gonna be fruit

and vegetable man, and, uh, we need a

suggestion for a crisis, a world crisis

they're dealing with. Frizzy hair! Frizzy

hair. So,

fruit and vegetable man, please solve the

world crisis problem of frizzy hair.

Thank you, meat and potatoes man.

My God, this uniform is tied. I've got to

adjust my sprouts.

Goodness gracious. By the flaming carrots

of St. Sebastian, my world crisis monitor

suggests that there's frizzy hair

breaking out all over the world. This is

a crisis of infinite proportions. I hope

my super friends arrive soon. I'll send

out a telepath... Uh, I'm already here.

Sorry, I'm late. Thank goodness you're

here, ice hockey kid. Oh,

my pleasure.

My God, there's frizzy hair everywhere.

There's frizzy hair. Don't touch me!

Ohh I hurried over as quickly as I could.

Oh, thank God I rate film director boy.

What are you doing?Don't

do that! With more passion! More pa...

More projects! There's frizzy hair

everywhere. What is that, some sort of a

crack?No, it's a

crack. And more! I'm sorry, it took so

long. Thank goodness you're here,

playful, licking puppy boy.

Yes, grab the licking puppy boy.

Please. Please, you're making my celery

stalk go away. There's frizzy hair

everywhere. It's simple, all we have to

do is to take my doggy brush and comb all

the frizzy hair down. And if that doesn't

work, just lick it. Perfect. You've

solved it, away. And be careful on the

rug, oh ohh no.

You're out of the penalty box. Well,

everything is solved. I have to go, uh,

work on my new Pauly Shore movie. Uh

Well, thank God everything's solved. Yes.

I should stay, but... what the puck?

My goodness, we solved that.

Thank you. That was fantastic.



Colin, who gets minus $1,000 for

mentioning Pauly Shore.

We're going to want to be a game

called Song Styles. This is for Wayne.

Wayne, you're going to be assisted by

Laura Hall on the piano. How about a hand

for Laura Hall?

Wayne Brady is going to make up a song

about somebody in the audience. Oh,

okay. What's your name?Jennifer.

Jennifer, and what do you do?I'm a

student. Student of what?English

literature. English literature, I'll bet.

This is Jennifer, the girl who thinks

she's better than everybody 'cause she

reads books.

She's a literature major. Good luck.

Thanks. Uh, you're gonna be singing a

song to her in the style of Luther

Vandross.

Pardon me, girl I was reading my

book But I saw you in the library

So I had to take a second look

Do you understand I want to be your boy

I don't care if you call me Charles Or

maybe Tolstoy Oh, I

know, girl, that you're your father's

daughter I saw you 'cause you read books

And I know you're a little smarter

Can I come and talk to you for a while?

I've got lots of books Hey, pick any

style I've got English books and science

books And chemistry books I've got

Canterbury Tales Why don't you take a

look?I've got Playboy books No, I don't!

Just kidding. Hey,

I want you to read me with me Why

don't you read with me Page one is love

Page two is love

Page three is love. Page four is

love. Page five is love.

Page six is love. Thank

you, girl.

Thank you, Jennifer. It's very nice.

During the whole song, I... I thought you

were singing to me. I was,

Drew. A million points forever and ever

and ever.

Okay, now let's play a game called Weird

Newscasters. This is for all four of you.

Colin is gonna be the anchorman of a

local news show, and Greg, Wayne, and

Ryan are his co-presenters on the show,

but each one is a rather odd character.

Colin, your co-anchor is Greg. Greg's a

gremlin.

Wayne, you're the sportscaster. You're

an overly emotional preacher at a

funeral. And the weatherman is

Ryan. Ryan, you're being attacked by

increasingly ferocious animals.

So, Greg, whenever you hear the music, go

ahead and give it a shot.

Welcome to the 6 o'clock news. I'm your

anchor, Wolverine St. Jack John.

Our top story, an infinite amount of

monkeys came up with the Fox Fall lineup.

And now we go over to our co-anchor.

Twice nightly. Bye,

Billy. You

should never have taken that shower.

And now off we go to sports.

Thank you. In today's

sports, the

Redskins. Who are we to call them

Redskins?Just because they

catch the ball and run, oh, no, no, no,

no, no, what are we?Call them the

Redskins. Because he who passes the ball

is he who catches, but is not the one who

doth thought that he caught the ball,

therefore with, Amen?I don't know.

I don't wantI don't want you to clap. I

want you to think the next time you're

throwing the ball, is it gonna catch it?

No, 'cause the Lord got the ball. The

Lord got the ball. You don't got the

ball. I got...

Ohh And you...

praise you. It's good.

This just in. Nine out of ten dentists

agree the tenth one should really chill

out. And now it's time to go over to

our wacky weatherman, Jiggs

Mackenzie. Well, thank you very much. Uh,

as you can see, we've got some hot

weather coming in, some, uh, flash floods

in store for us.

Which should be, uh, forcing the small

printers out of their holes... In

the future, uh,

we're talking up here... Rats! Rats, man!

Rats! Rats!Rats!

Rats! Rats!

Well,

that's the 60 Lock News. See you again

tomorrow on Woolver Easy Get Gone. That

was fantastic. Hey, well, I think you got

the points, we're gonna show a

commercial. Don't go anywhere. We'll be

right back with more Whose Line Is It

Anyway right after this.

Hey, welcome back to Whose Vine Is It

Anyway?The show where everything's

made-up and the points don't matter. I've

tallied up the points, and if you want to

check the score for today's game, check

your TV guide.

Okay, now we go on to a game called

Greatest Hits. This is for Colin, Ryan,

and Wayne, with help of Laura Hall on the

piano.

Laura Hall.

Uh, Colin and Ryan are gonna be pitch men

on a TV commercial, and they're gonna be

talking about the latest compilation

album, and Wayne is gonna try to sing

snippets of the songs that they suggest.

And what we need from the audience is the

sort of profession you wouldn't normally

sing songs about.

Lifeguard. Lifeguard. Lifeguard.

So, uh, the name of the album is Songs

of the Lifeguard. Hi. We'll be

back to your movie, The Buns of Navarone,

in just a minute. But first, get out

those checkbooks, because we have got a

deal for you. Sand, water, mussels,

gleaming things. It

all spells the beach. And yet, the beach

can be a dangerous place. That's why we

have people we call lifeguards. And

throughout the ages, lifeguards have been

sung about in song and in song, because

that's the only way you can sing about

them. Oh. A little less

coffee next time, huhI guess so.

That's right. Different styles of songs

all about the lifeguard. Who could ever

forget that grace, great-- or grace--

I say grace because it's a gospel hit--

Shark, shark, I think I see a shark.

Now, I'm waiting for you to fill me with

your power Yeah, oh,

I'm getting nice and brown and stop here

in my watchtower

Oh, look at that, my terror begins

There goes the blonde lady being chased

by your fin It's a shark, whoo! Oh,

it's a shark Run, girl, run!

Better swim Lord, make us swim Get

away from him Hey, hey, Lord,

Lord Oh, believe what I saw

Get away from him 'Cause a little blind

suffered girl Got eaten by Jaws

Oh, oh, yeah

You know, there's over 300 songs on this

TD. I'm having problems speaking today.

It's a darn coffee. Well,

let's go right on to our next song, the

great salsa hit, Son of a Beach.

Now listen to meDressed in my tongue

I'm here in the sand Dressed in my tongue

All of the sunlight come to me So it tend

to reach ya Oh, I'm dark as can

be 'Cause I'm a son of a beach Oh,

I'm on the beach On the beach

I'm on the beach I'm on the

beach Cha-cha-cha

And if you order now, you can get the

companion song to that, Two Thongs Don't

Make a Tights. Say, cop. Yeah?How much

would you pay for a two CD set like this?

Well, I would pay upwards of $20. How

much do you think the average person

would pay?$89. That's right.

And that's what it is, $89. You know,

we've traveled all over America putting

together the songs for this CD, and I

don't think I've felt any more like I was

on the beach when I heard that lounge hit

simply titled...

Thanks.

How many times have you

drowned Ten Right?

How many times have you made this

annoying sound?I don't know. Oh,

you know you couldn't get too far

Because you're dying and you need CPR

And when that's happened There's only one

thing to say Whoa, oh,

you go... Oh,

ohh you go...

Hey, you go...

You go...

That was great. And that'll be 1,000

points for Laura Hall.

Now we're going to a game called Party

Quirks. Greg is gonna be hosting a party,

and Wayne, Colin, and Ryan are gonna be

guests at the party. And each of them is

going to have a strange quirk or

identity. The quirks or identities are

written down on these cards here. They've

never seen these cards before until just

now. They're seeing them for the first

time. And Greg has to guess what the

quirks are. So Wayne, Colin, Ryan, I want

you to line up over there, and I'll bring

you one at a time with the doorbell. And

Greg, whenever you're ready, start the

party. Psh, psh,

psh. Sea

otter.

Hi, Wayne. Hey, dude, what's up?Good to

see you, man. It's all right. Oh, yeah.

How you been, man?It's good to see you.

I'm all right. Oh, dude, your place looks

really good, but it could use a bit of

spoocin' up, boy. Where's the

broccoli dip?I'll kick your head. Yep,

it's it's over here. You... You want a

drink or something, or...

You know, we have a bathroom, Wayne, I...

Hang on, I got to get the door. Hello,

Carl. Hi, Carl.

Hello. I brought some rules for the

party.

Rules?Yes, part! We

don't... Hey, go easy on that. What do

you mean?You want some... Hang on, I got

to get the door. Hello, Ryan.

Come on in.

Yes. You like my Drew?I just had him put

in. Hey, Ryan, have you met, uh,

this guy here?He's growing older and

older as we speak.

Right. Can I?

You know, Mr. Heston, it's wonderful to

have you.

Right.

Can I tempt you with some blood or

something?Or... Or 'cause you're a bat,

but you're not really a bat. I just say

that. You... You.. You..

You.. My God, who let this pterodactyl

into the... You... He's... You know,

that's the last time I invite the

vultures over. I'll... Philadelphia is a

clue. Philadelphia's a clue?Philadelphia

football team. Oh, yes, I understand now.

Come here. You're the symbol of our

country. Come here and light on my arm,

you eagle you. That was

great. When we come back, we'll find out

who the winners are, and we'll do a

little game with me. Don't go away. We'll

have more Whose Line Is It Anyway?Ready

for this?

Hey, welcome back to Whose Line Is It

Anyway?I decided that the

winner of tonight's game is Greg Proops.

Thank you, Greg.

Nice job.

The Guzzy-Z winner. He gets to sit at my

desk, and the rest of us have to play a

game called Questions Only. Wayne and I

will start, and what happens is we can

only speak in questions. That's all we're

allowed to do. If we make a mistake, Greg

will buzz us out, and the next person

will take our place. And, Greg, what's

our scene?Your scene is a tourist hotel

is about to turn into the towering

inferno. Questions

only, please. Smoked, you smell it?

What?How long have you smoked?

Would you believe 16 years?

Oops. HuhDo

you know where the fire extinguisher is?

Can you break open that glass?Hurry! I

can't do it.

What's going on?Will

God save us?Is God a

fireman?What

if God were one of us?What do

you mean by that?Do

you know where the water is?Don't you

speak English?

I speak English?Can

you put me out?Can you put me out?Would

you like to check in?

Can't you see that I'm on fire?Are those

flames?What, are you blind?Where did I

put that hose?Ohh Do

you have any bactine?Do you have any

bactine?Was that water hot?Do

you have a t... Owl?

Is everything all right?Have you stayed

at the Bates Hotel before?

Isn't that dangerous?

Do you have a room for three?How many?

Didn't you hear me?Three?You mean

three people?What do you think I

mean?Would you believe a guy came in here

with three dogs?Did he look like this?

Why is it so hot in here?Can't you see

him trying to turn up the water

sprinklers?Have you ever been in a hotel

that was just sweat and hot all at the

same time?Have you ever been to San

Francisco?

That's it. That's it. Okay, thanks very

much, everybody. Thank you so much. I'm

glad I'm going to see you this time. Good

night.