01x11 - January 13, 1999

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, and welcome to Whose Line

Is It Anyway?Tonight on the show,

international supervillain Greg Groots,

selfie double agent Wayne Brady,

baby-faced assassin Colin Macri, and the

man known only as the puma Ryan

Styles. And I'm your host, Dakere. Come

on, let's go have some fun.

Ohh

Oh, oh. And welcome to Whose Line is it

anyway, the show where everything's

made-up but the points don't matter. We

have a great show for tonight. And what

happens if you never saw the show before

is all these guys have to come up into

the center stage here and they have to

make up right on the spot off the top of

their head, little skits and games for

you. And they're based on the suggestions

on these cards, what they've never seen

before and suggestions from the audience.

And then at the end of each game I give

them points. The points don't mean a

thing, but I give them anyway because I

love them. And what happens at the end of

the game, I try to pick a winner or

winners and they get to do a little

something special with me.

Which may or may not make it to the air,

but we're going to do something special

anyway. The first game we're going to

play is a game called Let's Make a Date.

This is for all four of you. Ryan, Colin

and Greg are going to be contestants on a

dating-type show, hoping to be picked by

Wayne. But on these little cards here,

we've given them each a little strange

characteristic or identity. This is the

first time they're seeing what's in the

envelopes here. Wayne's going to give

them questions about who he wants to go

out with and try to guess who they are by

the end of the game.

Miss Swain, whenever you're ready.

Back to number one.

I love a man who loves his body

'cause I love muscles.

Now, I like a man who likes to work

out. Excuse me, can I interrupt for just

a second?Ohh But please, how old are you?

Batcher number one. You don't ask a

woman's age. Oh, I'm sorry. Batcher

number two. Hi. Mm-hmm

Batcher number two. Yeah. What's your

favorite type of entertainment on a hot,

dusty Saturday morning?Well, I usually

like to go on a picnic, but what the...

Ohh

Uh At ease! At ease!

Wheezy, Wheezy, I want you to know that I

feel your pain.

Bachelor number three, hello! Oh, hello

there. Good morning. Good morning to you.

If you had a chance to go back to school

and reenact your most important school

moment, what would it be?I guess it'd

have to be the first day of school when I

met all the other students.

Stupid answer. Stupid.

I'll come back to you, bachelor number

three. Bachelor number one.

Hello, young American. Bachelor number

one. You don't mind if I smoke, do you?Ohh

Not at all, bachelor number one. Not at

all. Bachelor number two.

Oh, they're here. They're here on me.

Bachelor number two. I enjoy reading

great, great works of literary

content. What's your favorite book, and

why?Who

gives a damn?Get away!

Bachelor number three. Yes. When I'm hot

and sweaty, I love a yoo-hoo. What's

your favorite drink?Ohh I guess I like

beer. More than, like, a soda pop or

something. I guess I'm just kind of, at

heart, I'm like a bad boy. Bad

boy. Bad boy.

Bad... falling. Bad,

bad, bad boys.

Ohh Bad, bad,

bad...

Well, Wayne, do you have any idea who

these people might be?Let me think. Uh,

bachelor number one is the president.

Yes!President

Clinton, as a matter of fact. Bachelor

number two... two was being gradually

eaten by army ants. Yeah! Okay.

And bachelor number three...

was... Was the...

was the... was the pornographic version

of Rain Man. No.

Yeah, he was supposed to be a masochist.

Oh, I see. That's good enough. Thank you

very much.

Hey, I'm gonna deduct 100 points for

making me watch that. Thanks for nothing.

I was right on top of the play.

Now, let's go to a game called Film,

Theater, and Television Styles. This is

for Ryan and Greg. They're gonna act out

a scene, and I'm gonna make them adopt

different film and TV styles, and I'm

gonna get from the audience. I need

styles of film or theater or television.

Kabuki. Horror, kabuki.

Greek tragedy. These guys love Greek

tragedy. Uh, p*rn*graphy is a good one.

Elvis movie, okay. Whatever

that is, Sesame Street. Okay, that's a

plenty, that's plenty, that's that's a

plenty. Your scene is, Greg, you're a

farmer who comes to complain to Ryan, a

neighboring farmer, about some giant

k*ller bees coming from his barn.

And you start out as normal, and I'll

come up with another style as soon as you

get going. Uh, excuse me, Deke.

Yeah. Oh, Billy, I haven't seen you in

four years you haven't been over here.

No, I haven't had need to come over, but

I have to tell you about something. My

child's head is...

Back to the barn, my little... Horror.

It's about these bees' ears. They don't

seem normal. Not like regular bees. They

fly into your house, and then the next

thing you know, your child's head is

spinning all around the room. They're not

my bees. I have no control over them.

Back into the barn. Wait till I call you.

Tabuki.

ohh The bees are our

friends. My father said the bees aregood.

My cows are swollen and red.

Uh, Elvis. Listen, your bees are

stinging, man. Oh. Oh.

Let me pick 'em off now, wait. They're

all over here. We've got to get 'em off.

We're going on a bee hunt. We got a bad

bee problem, baby, but it ain't my bee.

Ohh Sesame Street.

I've been stung on the bottom.

Can you spell bee?

You can't spell bee. Bee's a letter. No!

There's more than one letter in B.

Well, it's odd that there's Bs in this

neighborhood.

Greek tragedy.

Testicles.

That's the name right there. Thank you

very much.

Hi, do you top a good Greek play on words

like that?You can't, and I'll give you



great. Uh, now, let's go on to a game

called Dating Service Video. This is for

all of you, of course. Ryan and Colin,

you're gonna use that box of hats. You

guys are gonna use this box of hats. And

using the hats, you're gonna come up with

as many ways possible of the world's

worst dating service video. Ryan and

Colin, whenever you're ready, go ahead.

I tried to... Get all fancied up before

you. Too much mousse?

I'm from Minnesota. We have come for your

women.

The last time I four-scored was 20 years

ago.

I'm not necessarily looking for a date,

but I can get you one.

I know what you're thinking. There's only

one way to find out.

They're always after me, Lucky Charms.

I will have you on a boat, I will have

you with a goat. On a boat with a goat, I

don't care.

Yes, Captain, I'd like some booty.

Yeah, we're gonna go on a date. I'll see

you next Thursday night on that date. You

be there, I'll be there on that

date. My name's Mimi, and I'll take

anyone but that Drew Carey.

We're going to take a South Commercial

Bank. We'll be right back with more on

Whose Lion Is It Anyway?Don't goanywhere.

Hello, and welcome back to Whose Lion Is

It Anyway?The show where everything's

made-up and the points don't matter. Hey,

listen, we have a special supplement in

the TV Guide this week. It's a special

Whose Line Is It Anyway scorebook. If you

don't have one in your TV Guide, call TV

Guide and complain.

Now, let's go to a game called Weird

Newscasters. This is for all of you.

Colin, you're gonna be anchorman of a

news show, and the rest of you guys are

gonna help him out. Greg, you're the

co-anchor of the show, and you are

Captain Kirk.

Wayne, you're gonna be doing the sports.

You're on a videotape that's speeding up

and slowing down. And Ryan, you're

doing the weather. You're an excited rock

star in front of a big crowd.

So whenever you hear the music, Colin,

take it away.

Welcome to the 6 o'clock news. I'm Bern

Knightley. Our top story

today, a national study shows that

balding men make the best lovers.

And now, over to my new co-anchor.

Please welcome Captain Kirk.

Stardate



We've got... to deliver the...

News.

Now, over to sports.

Thank you. All right, folks, today we

know that the San Diego Padres are kings.

They are sweeping everything, and it

turns out they're like...

He hit your bow and eat

one fall.

And that's why he's gonna be voted VIP...

Well, now over to weather with Skippy

Bartholomew. Skippy. Right, Los

Angeles, are you ready for some weather?

One, two, one, two, three,

four days of sunshine ahead this week.

It's gonna cloud up later in the week. I'm

gonna have rain on the weekend, rain on

the weekend! The weekend!

Thank you, Skippy. Well, that's the Six

O'clock News. Please stay tuned. In most

of the country, you'll be seeing a very

special Dukes of Hazzard. Until tomorrow,

this is the Six O'clock News. Good night.

I hate to say this, but I wasn't really

paying attention. Uh, 500

points okay with you guys?All right.

Let's go on to a game called Greatest

Hits. This is for Colin, Ryan, and Wayne

with the help of Laura Hall on the piano.

Colin

and Ryan. Colin and Ryan are going to be

voice-over guys talking about the latest

compilation album, and Wayne is going to

try to sing snippets of the songs, as

they suggest. Now, what we need from the

audience is the kind of profession you

wouldn't normally sing a song about.

What was that up top?Postal Worker.

Name of your album is Songs of the Postal

Worker. Take it away. Hi.

We'll return you to the 24-Hour Drew

Carey Network in just a moment. But

first, have we got a deal for you. For as

long as there's been mail, there's been

someone to deliver it. That's just a

fact. That's right. We've got over



Colin, these songs cover every postal

worker through the ages. That's right.

Let's listen to our first selection, that

great Latin song,

Male.

Because you see me when I go

I deliver to the street and the snow

I get this package there without fail

Thank God they came up with this word

It's called mail

It's for me

And who could ever forget that 1940s

boogie woogie hit, Put It In The Slot?

Will you deliver something for me, please?

Will you deliver for me, please?

Because I've got to send it overseas.

So, shoopa-doopa-doo-doo-doo Because

it gets real hot Deliver it to my

boyfriend The mail in the mail slot Put

it in the slot It's too big, it's a

package Put it in the slot Give it to me

'cause I gotYou gotta put it in the

starch, put it Boop, boop, boop, boop You

put it in the

starch, smell it And you put it in the

sock today Hey, it's for my girl,

Dear John

You know, Colin, these CDs make great

gifts as well. Who could you give one to?

Why, if I had anyone in my life, it'd be

them. Hey. why don't you

buy one for me this Christmas?Sure,

like I'm made of money. But let's get

back to some of the tunes. You know, one

of my favorite artists of all time made

this little song. It wasn't one of her

biggest hits, but one of her finest. And

that, of course, is Tina Turney's... Tina

Turner's... a close friend of Tina

Turney's...

Tina Turner's big hit, Hey, Man, Tie Up

Your Dog.

I've seen you miss the postman With your

bag that's really full

Look at my booty It's been bitten by

that pit bull Oh

Every day without fail Me and my

long legs deliver your mail So

tie that pitbull up before I

k*ll it Sing, Tina, I k*ll it Sing, girl,

I Roop, roof, tie it Roop, roof,

tie it Roop, roof, tie it Pitbull up You

gotta, I roof, tie it

Pitbull, tie it Pitbull, tie your pitbull

up That's good, girl, that was good.

That was great. Hey, listen, we're gonna

go to commercial. We come back, we're

gonna find out who the winner is, and the

winner gets to do something with me. So

don't go away. We'll be right back with

more Whose Wine Is It Anyway?

Hello, and welcome back to Whose Wine Is

It Anyway?The winners tonight, Ryan

Styles and Colin Mochrie. Ryan and Colin.

And they're gonna do a little game with

me called Helping Hands. What happens is

we're gonna do a scene here, but Ryan

cannot use his own arms. He has to get

arms from Colin. What's our scene,

Greg?Ryan is a pet care

guru teaching you how to look

after his dog. So, Ryan,

glad to meet you here. Thank you for

coming, Ryan. Nice to meet you. Watch

your show all the time. Thank you. Thank

you. Very funny. The very flamboyant

woman. I laugh at her all the time. The

tall guy in that show is so funny.

Really. Can't stop laughing at him.

Tracks me up. You got to give him more

lines. He doesn't get enough lines in the

show. OK, I'll see what I do about it.

You know, I'm worried about my dog, Fido.

Fido, he's the sweetest little

dog we've had in here.

I'm worried about how to, you know, maybe

you could show me like, what's the proper

way to feed him?Why don't you just hand

Fido to me?And what we'll do is we'll

give Fido a nice, relaxing bath just to

calm his nerves a bit. Here we go. He

loves that. He loves that. He loves it.

He loves it.

ohh You know, dry them off a little bit?

Oh, they don't like towels. This is how

they prefer it. Fido's turning purple.

Look at that. Give them a vote. What kind

of treats do you like to recommend for

Fido?Oh, well, you know what?Dogs like

many treats. Uh, well, this is one right

here. That looks like a regular chunky

dinner. Oh, this is a special dog blend I

make up myself. How's it taste?Oh, it's

very...

Yeah?No, no,

I don't... No, positive. Not for me. Not

for me. Oh, man. I can't

get enough of it. Yeah, no, uh.. Does he

like... What kind of toys do you

recommend he plays with?Ohh A stick is a

good treat. He runs like this with it in

his mouth. He puts it in his mouth.

Yeah. Oh, he loves it, loves it. What

other kind of toys does he like to put?

He's got his little bowl of water. That

looks like more for a cat thing. You gave

any suggestions for cats?How to take care

of cats?What do you know about cats?Don't

tell me about cats, all right?You don't

like cats?It's not that I don't like

them. We just don't agree with each

other. Oh, my God.

Would you like something to wash that

down with?Yeah. There you go.

That's better. I've really, I've worked

well with him. I think I deserve a little

treat. Would you like a towel?Uh..

Wow! Thank you

very much. Thanks for watching News

Final. See you later. Bye-bye.