01x02 - Oh, What A Tangled Web

[bunniefuu]

every time I look at

you I'm so glad that you're the

[Music]

one I've been growing closer

to as the years have come and

gone seeing our summers

fade feeling the Autumn

start somehow it seems we've

stayed young at

heart joy and

grief we knew it all and I wondered now

and

then just how we come through it

all but I do the same

again sharing for good o

hardly a day

aart older outside but

still young at

[Music]

heart ever more we'll support you ever

more they're back hello hello Barbara La

it doesn't take much to make some people

happy you should have seen them poetry

and motion it was

magic we get a had off a dozen at least

that goalie was useless he couldn't hold

a ball to save his life Keon hands about

as useful as a chocolate teapot oh

talking about tea there's plenty in the

past oh not for me thanks I thought we

go home have an early night you'll have

to wait I haven't finished me tea yet I

have a cup I've got a bit of a SRO oh

hope you're not coming down with the

cold no no no just shouting you know

cheering a Lads on I don't understand

what pleasure you get watching 22 men

kicking a ball about well that's cuz

you're a woman hey you should come with

us next time you still on woman what's

the matter aren't we good enough for you

well I I don't believe in women at

football matches they uh they cramp your

style cramp your style yes when I go to

a football match I want to be able to

you know express myself it means

swear I'm sure mine Norman doesn't swear

do you love oh well uh of course he does

you ought have heard what you call the

referee CL stupid if you ask me no it

was much worse than

that I mean football I think there's too

much

discrimination what do you mean love

well football players are all men well

of course it's a man's game it's sexual

discrimination Barbara's right they

should have women players women players

you can't have woman in a football game

why not well I mean well it wouldn't

work he's right I mean the fellas would

be too busy trying to score with the

birds to worry about scoring goals all

can you imagine the scene in the bath

afterwards it'll be more than a quick

dip for a few of

them anyway you can't have women in

football team a woman can do anything a

man can do here here she can't you know

she can you know I tell you she can't

all right then come on what can a man do

that a woman can't wiggle is Adam's

Apple it's the age of equality Mr Kia

women's lib oh well what about a bit of

men's Li for a change right Norman Yes

Albert oh you want a bit of men's Li do

you well just a little bit right

tomorrow morning you can get up and do

the shopping and I'll watch a bit of

Telly and go down to the and you can do

the spring cleaning I'll read the paper

go down to the betting shop and meet

Barbara for a drink there's no need to

be silly you'll see how silly I am in

the morning I'm only joking Barbara well

I'm not I'm going home to bed oh what a

good idea and you can stay where you are

I've got an

headache I'll see you out love I suggest

you get a good night's sleep you'll need

all your strength

tomorrow funny creatures women do you

think we should

apologize you can't even lie I'm not

you'll have to do the spring cleaning oh

no I won't tomorrow morning I'm going to

be conveniently ill I'm going to appeal

to Ethel's maternal instincts but time

I'm finished she'll not only you be

doing the spring cleaning she'll be

tucking me up in bed for the rest of the

day

[Music]

come on rip

vanwinkle

oh what time is it time you got out of

that bed spring cleaning this morning

remember oh yes

yes what's the

matter oh nothing just just a

pain so just just a a slight heart

attack oh your heart's move

then well it it it started this side and

then it it it shot shut across to this

side probably wind I'll get you some

bicarbonate or soda

[Laughter]

here you are get

this what are you

sucking just uh taking my temperature

well you're becoming a hypochondriac

there's nothing wrong with

you oh yes yes yes you're right yes 102

is normal isn't it all you want

what 102 oh you're not looking at it

right here let me

see you're right it is

102 oh but you're not well oh it's

nothing it's nothing dear it'll go how

do you feel well apart from this

throbbing in my head and this pain in my

chest and a slide to dizziness I'm

perfectly all right

well I i' I'd better get up now oh no

you mustn't not in your condition no no

no it'll soon wear off as long as I can

keep standing on my feet oh how but you

mustn't try to be brave yes I must the

sprinkly oh no oh I couldn't let you now

get back in that bed at once well if if

you insist here oh and don't you dare

get out of it again until you feel

better I love that can you say I'll get

your a hot water bottle thank you

[Laughter]

love are you sure there's nothing else I

can do no love I look after him don't

you think you ought to send for the

doctor oh I'll see how he gets on it's

only

me did you get

everything yeah that new shopping pre

it's m*rder it's more dangerous now than

when it was a road don't be silly Norman

can't be more dangerous with no traffic

I'm telling you it's m*rder in the space

of half an hour I've been hit by two

trolleys a push chair and a punk rocker

on a

skateboard how's Mr ker about the same

can I go up and see him I've got him a

Bo and some tofes oh yes all right but

don't excite him he's not not well at

[Music]

all just a

[Laughter]

minute come here

in hello oh it's you Norman I thought it

was our

rle I've got to hand it to you Albert I

didn't think you get away with

it you learn all the tricks when you get

to my age well it didn't work with me I

pretended I had appendicitis oh didn't

she believe you no oh you couldn't have

been convincing enough oh it's was very

convincing the trouble was I forgotten I

had me appendix out when I was

10 you get worse hey I got us a couple

of bears oh look yeah good

lad Albert are you decent Barbara's here

can we come in just a minute hi

that finish that car I don't smell

cigars you do now

come

in hello Mr CIA hello bar love how'd you

feel Albert well I think the pain is

easing just a bit oh well good perhaps

you'll feel like coming down this

afternoon I don't think it's eased that

much Norman what are you doing

pardon smoking a cigar have a bit of

consideration there's a sick man in the

room I think there's going to be another

in a minute

anyway you don't smoke cigars Albert

that was yours wasn't it uh well I I I

thought it yesterday I thought it might

you know help to ease the pain this will

do you more good oh what is it it's

medicine Barbara brought it for you it's

an old remedy elixir of the East I've

never heard of it well I got it from an

Indian fellow off the market I'm not

drinking that supposed to be very good

well you drink it then don't be stubborn

Albert

here I don't like the look of it it's

all right look what it says on the label

contains the extracts of over 40 wild

herbs for colds Qatar asthma bronchitis

lumago biliousness and flatulence does

it remove stains as

well oh I'm glad to see you haven't lost

your sense of humor drink that

down smells a bit strong it's not for

inhaling swallow it

now that wasn't so bad was it no it was

diabolical my dad swore by that I'm not

surprised you can have another dose

later oh I can't wait would you like

something to eat oh well I I do feel a

bit peckish well how about a nice bit of

chicken lovely and you can have a bottle

of Guinness to help keep your strength

up oh thank you love oh don't thank me

just you get well I'll do my best are

you coming Norman in a minute love

bye-bye Mr col you hope you're feeling

better soon thank you L thank

you congratulations sh give him a chance

to get down the stairs are you coming

sh clear now how did I do marvelous I

even started to feel sorry for you

myself how long are you going to keep

this up till she's done the spring

cleaning where's the

beer I thought as much he's been having

you on yes well two can play at that

game what are you going to do plenty if

he's pretending to be ill now by the

time I've finished with him he'll think

he's dying

[Music]

hey spoken to Eddie oh is he coming

around yeah she'll be here any minute oh

good I'll just take this up to his

lordship what is it a drop of homemade

medicine half a spoonful of mustard

pepper and salt and a spoonful each of

castor oil and syrup of figs great

sounds horrible it is horrible that

ought to make him get up and

go ah but will he take it oh the state

he's in now he'll take anything what do

you mean well apart from forcing the

rest of that Elixir down him I've

switched the electric blanket full on

and given him the household doctor to

read what for well I know Albert and his

imagination by now he'll think he's got

every disease under the sun

[Music]

how are you Albert terrible my

temperature is nearly 100 oh it's gone

down

then hey it was 102 this morning you

must be getting better

Ethel I'm not well of course you're not

that's why you're in bed isn't it no no

no I I mean I'm really ill why weren't

you ill before then uh yes yes I was but

I mean I well I I I I'm getting iller

see I I've been reading in this book

here you see I've got all the symptoms

of berry berry oh

that's I had an uncle who had that once

and they had to take him into Hospital

oh how long was he there only a couple

of days oh good then he

died E I think I ought to have the the

doctor I've sent for one here get this

down you oh no not not more medicine

it's something special it'll do you good

Mrs Kia the doctor's here oh I'm coming

down love now you drink that medicine

[Applause]

[Music]

this is Kia this is Eddie how' you do

I'm pleased to meet you has Barbara told

you what to do well yes you want me to

pretend to be a doctor do you think you

can do it oh I told you Ed is a medical

student we used to go out together

before I met Norman yeah but how heavy

do you want me to lay it on oh as heavy

as you like

oh all

right where's the patient

upstairs on the

right come

in Oh Mr Collier who are you I'm Dr

Wilson oh what's happened to Dr Jackson

oh I'm his new partner now what seems to

be the trouble well you're the doctor

you tell

me well let's have a look at you shall

we

excuse me um do you want me to uh do do

something you know um in a bottle in a

bottle no no no no no oh good because

I've already been and I might not be

able to squeeze in all

right now open your mouth if it's any

help to doctor I've got I've got all the

symptoms of berry berry I'm sure now

we'll soon find out now open mine open

mine close

dear what is

it shirt open your shirt has it gone up

is it is it bad open wide ah ah

ah what have you seen down

there doctor For Heaven's Sake say

something who's your next of

King my God is it that bad how old are

you Mr

Collier 65 h

that's only five short five short of

what man's allotted span three score

years and 10 doctor am I going to get

better I'm just going to pop down and

have a word with your wife doctor doctor

tell me tell tell me the

worst Goodbye Mr

con

doctor grab hold of yourself but just

just grab hold of yourself there there

there's nothing the matter with you

doctors tell you nothing they tell you

nothing you're going to you're going to

be all right I mean there's nothing

nothing seriously wrong with

you what you doing that for the doctor

thought it best well what did he say he

said you could have anything you fanc

said no I mean what what what did you

say about me I mean what what what's

wrong with me

am I going to get

better of course you

are what are you crying about e I'm not

crying I've just got something in my eye

can you remember where we put the

insurance

policies you're hiding something from me

Ethel what's wrong with me now now

Albert the doctor said you mustn't upset

yourself Ethel am I going to Snuff it

we've all got to go one day I but which

day did you say I was going on

can I come in yes come in love I've just

seen the doctor told me I wish somebody

would tell me so I thought I'd come and

have a last look at him what do you mean

last look nothing he looks well doesn't

he he does considering considering what

nothing I bought you some grapes car

black

ones I eat them later don't leave it too

late well I'll say goodbye now Mr CA it

it's been so nice knowing

you what's going on nothing Albert you

know something I don't yes dear I

certainly do I

see well how long have I got then eh how

many years

years months

months weeks well let's put it this way

I wouldn't plan anything for

tomorrow you should have seen his face

hey you don't think you overdid it oh

serves him right I wonder what he's

saying to Norman up there yeah hey you

know I think it's about time we told

them the truth oh perhaps you're right

they've suffered enough have some more

tea love oh

time are you sure he's not a real doctor

yeah was all a put up job he told me

everything well that's nice isn't it e

making me believe I was at death

door I think she called you a bluff a

well I'm not finished yet now go and

tell ether I want to see it but don't

let on I know what's been going on

oh you look more

cheerful I've got to make the best of it

love

anyway it's all in the drawer what is

well anything you might need uh for when

it happens you know for the registar

birth certificate and the death policy I

have news for

you I haven't finished yet dear I've

written some verse for the announcement

in the paper what announcement the

obituary column it's just just a couple

of lines no more you'll see his smiling

face he's gone from here to a better

place do Albert there's nothing wrong

with you there's no need to pretend

Ethel I'm tell telling you the truth

you're as fit as I am and i' prefer you

not to wear black what at the funeral

and uh no flowers it's it's just a waste

of money look I'm trying to tell you you

you're all right I really think Ethel

that uh you don't have to worry you see

because I've accepted it and you must do

the same that doctor wasn't a real

doctor he was only a student I put him

up to it to get my own back you're just

saying that to make me feel better you

are better you were never ill I

appreciate you trying to make it feel

easier eel but honestly I don't mind I'm

at a good Innings and I shall wait for

you up

there will you be told you're not going

anywhere come

in Barbara tell him there's nothing

wrong with him he knows hey well Norman

told him sorry Albert just slipped

[Laughter]

out you miserable conniving

beggar takes went to know one I think we

better go right Albert Coler you're an

old fraud yes and so were you I only did

it to get my own back well I reckon we

quit then it wasn't nice of you

pretending to be ill what about you

making believe I was going to Peg out I

never actually said you were oh yes you

did don't plan anything for tomorrow you

said oh I meant that hey there's the

spring cleaning to be

done every time I look at

you I'm so glad that you're the

one I've been growing closer

to as the years have come and

gone sharing for good o

ill hardly a day

aart old R side

but still young at heart

[Music]