04x02 - Fort Night

[bunniefuu]

(school bell rings)

(indistinct chatter)

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Why aren't you guys in costume?

No one's gonna give you candy without a costume.

Oh, is that how trick or treating works, Darryl?

Yes.

How do we get the candy?

You put on a costume.

Okay.

And you go door to door.

Oh, no... we put on a costume!

Relax! We've got the costume of costumes.

No need for the attitude, Louise.

I just don't want you to not have candy.

I know, Darryl.

Concern's coming from a good place.

We're going as a Chinese Dragon.

They'll be five of us inside.

(quieter): But we'll say there's ten of us.

It's a trick to get more treats.

We'll be swimming in nougat.

I remember when I thought group costumes were a good idea.

Too much work!

And not enough friends.

I'll admit, it's ambitious, but we have our best people on it.

(sighs)

Why do we even have to do this?

Come on, is it so hard to glue things?

And run a restaurant?

Yeah, it is.

Well, this is what parents do.

They glue crap on stuff for their kids... so glue!

I'm gluing.

We got a lot of stuff.

Glue, glue, glue!

I said...

Glue!

Please don't chant glue.

And glue and glue and glue!

I think I'm too old to trick-or-treat.

Next year I'm going cold turkey.

When you go from tween to teen, you say good-bye to Halloween.

You're never too old for trick-or-treating.

Or holding hands with dad.

Girl: When I say "Lou," you say "Eez."

Lou!

Oh, God.

When I say Lou, you say Eez!

Where is she?

Lou...

Who's that?

(sighs)

It's Millie Frock.

She wants to be my friend or be me or be a rap duo with me.

That's nice.

No, it's not nice, Tina!

It's not nice at all.

Lou... Eez!

Aah! No!

Oh, hi, Louise.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

Stop it!

What are you dressed as?

Remember?

Remember our plan?

You don't remember our plan?

You be dust, I'll be bunny.

Dust bunny!

(hysterical laughter)

That is not our plan, Millie.

We didn't have a plan.

And even if we did, even if we did get together and sit down, get some blueprints out, have a cup of coffee, why would I want to be dust?

Dust!

So you could be bunny?

Why?

That's exactly what dust would say.

Good-bye.

Teddy: Can't help but notice you're not playing the Halloween Scream CD I gave you.

Uh, you know, I didn't want to wear it out before the kids started coming around.

Where is it?

You have to... Oh!

It's right there! Behind you!

Oh, great.

Well, it can't play itself, Bob.

You got to put it on and hit "play."

Bobby, come on.

Play the sounds of the holiday.

Well, we don't need to right now, Teddy.

Why not?

We'll wait till the kids come.

Why?

(sighs) Fine.

I'll just put it in.

(people screaming)

(laughs)

Ooh.

I'm spooked.

Now you're all set for trick or treaters in a couple of hours.

Wait, what time is it?

Oh, my God, Bobby, the kids'll be home any minute!

And the costume's not even close to finished.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

How about let them finish it?

Mort, Teddy, wh-what are you doing right now?

Adjusting myself without anyone noticing.

Watching Mort adjust himself.

Grab some glue.

Gonna be our Halloween elves!

Come on, you don't have to be good, you just have to be fast.

Why can't all women want that?

All right, we'll go home, finish the costume and hit the streets.

Oh, I need to grab the dragon eyes from the fort.

Why are they in the fort?

I spray-painted them in there.

(groans)

Fine, we'll swing by the fort.

Both: Yay!

(chanting): Fort, fort, fort!

Fort? Hmm.

I didn't peg you guys as the forting type.

Oh, we fort.

We fort big-time.

After you.

Uh... I don't know.

I got this thing about being in small spaces.

Oh, you're gonna be fine, Darryl.

Trust me.

When you come out of here, you're gonna be afraid of this small space... that is the world.

Millie: Hey Lou Lou, where are you you?

Oh no, no, no, no, no!

She's right here.

I'm looking at her.

Shut up!

Quick, inside!

(humming)

Hey, are we gonna play in the fort before we go trick-or-treating?

'Cause, uh... Louise, you, you shut the door before I could even get in.

Oh, sorry, Millie, we're at capacity, so...

(laughing)

You always say that.

Now, come on, let me in!

Yeah, ah, god, I sure wish I could but it's kind of a one-in, one-out situation.

The fire marshal's on our ass.

You understand, Millie.

Well, I'll wait.

Or-or you could come back later, too.

We'll be here a while.

It'll thin out in a bit.

I'll get some more dust for our costumes!

Dust bunny, think about it.

Seriously, think about it.

Okay, yeah.

I'm knocking it around in my head right now.

I think it's gonna be awesome!

All right, Millie.

It's gonna be great!

Bye, babe.

♪ La, la, la, la. ♪

Whew, that was close.

Hurry up and get the dragon eyes before crazy comes back.

This fort is amazing.

I only feel a little claustrophobic.

This would be a great place to go when my mom tells me to go play outside.

All right, come on.

We'll give you the quickie tour.

This is Gene's room.

There's some odor.

Yes.

Found them!

And now the upstairs.

There's an upstairs?

Oh, yeah.

This is Tina's room.

You can really feel the insecurity.

Hmm. Mm.

I think it's nice.

You don't think it's nice?

No, no, it's nice.

It's nice.

Voilà.

Parlor de la Louise.

(whistles)

Lovely view.

The light's bad for the upholstery.

True, fading... it is an issue.

Yeah.

So, what house will be the first stop on Tina's farewell trick-or-treating tour?

Leave that to me.

This town might suck at Halloween, but not if you have this.

I give you... the Treasure Trail.

All: Whoa!

Eugene: Wow!

It took phone-polling, mailing-lists, and a blog I follow called Candy Randy.

So houses with stars are?

Those are must-visits.

And houses with an X?

Must-avoids.

I'm talking raisins, pencils, hand sanitizer, baby apples.

Sayonara, raisins.

Old grapes aren't candy!

(kids cheering)

(beeping outside)

Do you guys hear that?

What the...?

(grunting)

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

(kids scream)

Kids, kids inside!

Precious kids!

Yeah, Dino, I'm coming.

I'm coming. I just parked.

Yeah.

(all gasp) I can leave it in the alley all night, no one ever comes back here.

Yeah, I'm in costume.

They were all out of Draculas so I'm a fruit head or something.

Did he just say he's parking here all night?

That's what he said!

Oh, my God.

We're trapped.

Help!

(kids screaming)

(kids screaming blends with Halloween Scream CD playing)

(kids grunting)

Weak spots... find the weak spots!

We can't be totally boxed in here.

(grunts) Concrete.

(grunts) Metal.

(both grunting) Concrete!

And truck.

We're screwed.

Until that truck moves.

Which it's not until tomorrow!

Oh, man, I'm starting to freak out here.

Millie: Hello? It's later!

Oh, Millie.

Millie, Millie, Millie, Millie, Millie.

Louise, you in there?

I am! Millie, you have to get us out of here.

Go for help!

The truck pinned us in.

Someone needs to move it!

What? (gasps) Oh, yeah.

Get the fire department!

And the police!

Just get everybody!

Oh, sure! Hey, Louise.

Hey, I was thinking, let's get bunk beds and live in the forest.

Um... (chuckling): wow.

Or matching Murphy beds that fold up into trees!

Gene: Millie, this is Gene!

Hey, could you go for help?

Oh yeah, I'm going to.

Hey, when I say Lou, you say Eez.

Lou!

Eez. Okay. That was fun.

You can go now.

Lou!

Eez.

Okay, that is enough of that.

Lou.

Eez. That's plenty.

Lou...

Eez, Eez, Eez!

Go get some help, you frickin' nutcase!

You creepy stalker psycho kook!

Can you not understand a hint?

Go... get... help!

Oh, wow. I see.

I see you don't like me, huh?

Of course I don't! Who would?

Who would?!

(shushes)

What are you doing?

Don't listen to her.

This is Gene again.

We think you're terrific.

Did you do something with your hair?

You look great.

You seem real strong.

You been working out?

Louise, can you tell me this?

If dust hits the ground and no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound?

I don't know, Millie.

No, it doesn't.

So, I guess what I'm saying is have fun spending Halloween in a box.

(laughs)

Good one, Millie.

(maniacal laughter)

Silly Millie.

(maniacal laughter)

That was good.

How's it coming, Teddy?

Great, Lin!

(sings fanfare)

All done.

Teddy, is that it?

Yeah, it's a dragon spike.

For the back.

Yeah, I know, Teddy.

You're supposed to have 20 done by now!

Oh.

Bobby, how's that foot coming?

Foot? I'm working on the tail.

I'm doing the tail!

You're supposed to do the foot!

No, you said, "Bob, do the tail."

I know because I remember thinking, "You can't tail me what to do."

Teddy?

That's funny. (sighs)

No, it's not!

And I'm doing the tail!

My tail's better than yours!

Ah... (grumbles)

Yours is really good.

Yeah, I know it is.

All right, fine!

I'll do the foot.

Pass me the sequins.

I would, but we're all out because someone that's my wife has no concept of how many sequins she's using!

Are you talking about me?

God, yes.

Just go get some more!

Fine!

Great!

This might not be a great time, but I also made a tail.

(Darryl yelling)

We can not miss Halloween!

This is all your fault, Louise!

You were mean to Millie and now we're stranded!

Yeah! She seems... really cool.

Okay, I'm hearing a lot of blame being thrown around loosey goosey right now.

Millie (sing-songy): ♪ Somebody's in friend jail ♪
♪ Somebody's in friend jail ♪
♪ And friend jail lasts forever. ♪

Hey, Millie.

Oh, don't mind me.

I'm just collecting spiders for an experiment.

Cool, I collect porcelain horses.

I experiment with where I put them on my dresser.

Well, this experiment is called "see how much you freak out when I release spiders into the fort you're trapped in."

(all screaming)

(grunting)

Seal it up, Gene!

Seal it!

(groans) I have a thing about spiders!

You have a thing about everything!

But especially spiders.

They're scary.

(yelling)

Andy's still in there!

Let him out!

We can't!

Then we'd all get spidered!

I'll never forget you, Andy.

I'll be with you every time you look in the mirror.

What?

'Cause we look alike.

Never mind!

Oh!

No, I get it now!

I didn't want those to be my last words!

(gasps)

(cries): Why?!

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

What the...?

Hold on.

Andy, get up.

They're fake spiders.

(cheers)

(sighs)

I thought I was a goner.

I felt you die.

(Millie laughing)

Oh, my God.

We're closed.

What? No, no, no.

I'm-I'm making a dragon.

For my kids.

We're-we're halfway through, We just need another bag to finish.

When you wait until the last minute to buy art supplies, you pay the price!

Harold!

(groans)

You heard her, Bob Fosse.

We're closed.

Bob Fosse?

Look, I just need one bag.

That's it.

Oh! Bob Fosse doesn't need more than one bag.

Oh!

I'm not Bob Fosse!

I'm making a costume for my...

Ooh.

Ooh.

I'm just taking these. Here's money.

No, no!

Ooh, Mr. Bob Fosse... just running away!

(yells)

Oh, no!

(tires screech)

Stop!

(car horns honking)

Yes, I hear you honking!

I'm just trying to make a costume for my kids!

It's a dragon!

Andy and Ollie: Trick or treat!

Oh, and what are you dressed as?

We switched shirts.

I'm Ollie.

I'm Andy.

Here's a rusted nine volt battery for you.

Ooh.

And a used coffee filter for you.

Thanks.

Happy Halloween.

Want to trade?

Yeah.

This is a mockery!

But I will take a coffee filter.

Thanks.

This isn't how I wanted to spend my last Halloween, Louise.

I'm handing out batteries in a box full of Gene's farts.

It's not fulyet!

Uh-oh.

(kids yell)

Ow!

(groans)

Why is my butt wet?

Butts get wet, Tina.

It's what they do.

Or maybe it's from that.

(sniffs) Hmm.

Must be garbage juice from the Dumpster next door.

I'm getting pinto beans, some sandpaper...

Guys, we just found our way out.

Gene, is she out there?

What do you hear?

Nothing.

Except for Tina's breathing.

(heavy breathing)

You picking that up?

Loud and loud.

Louise: All right, Andy, Ollie.

You two and me are the only ones small enough to fit through that hole in the Dumpster.

I would go, but I'm master-minding this.

So one of you two should go.

Which one of you was born first?

I was.

I came in second.

All right then, Ollie, squeeze into the dumpster, burrow through the trash, jump out and run for help.

Just like when you came out of your mom. Got it?

What did she mean by "Came out of our mom?"

Okay, Ollie, get in there.

Go, go, go, go.

(grunts) We just got to get out of here, man.

Whatever it takes.

Getting so cramped in here.

Okay, you really don't need to take your pants off.

I wish you were right.

(grunting)

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Ow!

How could Millie have possibly known about our plan?

We whispered the whole time!

Well, there's only one explanation, isn't there?

One of you, in this room... in this sacred fort... is a rat!

(all gasping)

Millie: Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of you is.

Can you just tell me who it is?

No.

Millie!

Louise: So, which one of you is the rat?

Tina, this is your last Halloween ever.

You ratted us out to Millie so we'd never have to leave, didn't you?

What? I-I want to get out more than anyone.

My childhood is slipping through my candy-less fingers.

Maybe Gene's the rat.

Oh, please, let's just calm down and take a spray paint nap.

Darryl, why are you wearing your backpack?

Um...

Why are you wearing your backpack, Darryl?

Answer the question.

I just want to make sure I don't lose it.

Oh, really?

You don't want to lose it?

Because you think you're getting out of here?

I am!

Millie, let me out of here!

I did my part, you do yours!

She's not letting you out, Darryl.

You fool! Why would you do this?

(Millie laughing)

(sobbing): I'm weak, Louise.

I'm weak.

"Dear Millie, I need candy.

"Also I will need to poo soon.

Please let me out."

Millie: "Dear Darryl, "Help me help you poo.

"Be my man on the inside.

Love, Millie."

(blows raspberry)

I couldn't let the Treasure Trail go to waste!

If you hadn't told her about our escape plan, we could have used our plan to escape!

Oh, that's so obvious now, isn't it?

I'm sorry it's hard for me to think when my pants are off.

(sobbing): I just want candy!

All right, all right.

It's okay, Darryl.

You didn't know what you were doing.

Huh, buddy?

No.

My pants are off.

Yeah.

So, what do we do with a snitch?

You did the crime, now you do the time.

Andy and Ollie...

Burp 'n Blow.

(both burping and blowing)

Poor bastard.

(sniffs)

That smells nice.

You guys eat sherbet?

Cucumber soap.

I ate a flower.

This is the one day you don't eat peanut butter and tuna for lunch?

You ruined Burp n' Blow t*rture!

Bob: It's pretty bad.

It's not. It's fun.

It's festive.

No.

It looks like it's from China.

No, China would be furious about this dragon.

They love dragons there.

Hey, where are the kids?

They should've been home by now.

Oh, my God, they're lost!

Not on Halloween!

Lin, easy.

They're dead.

No, they're not dead.

They're dead.

No, I know it, they're dead.

No, I bet they're in that fort they built.

21Oh, yeah.

Ugh, that fort.

Well, it is pretty cool once you get inside.

What do you mean inside?

They let you in?

I thought we weren't allowed.

I wasn't supposed to say anything.

But it's great.

Why can't I go in?

I-I don't know, I...

And there's a ton of rules they have, so... I guess... that was one of them.

Right, right, right, whatever.

We're gonna go to that fort and we're getting those little should-be trick-or-treaters and we're shoving them inside this thing.

Hey, you guys, I was just trick-or-treating!

Mmm, this candy's so good.

Oops, I dropped some.

Good thing there's more where that came from.

You monster!

You can't do this to us!

Bob: Uh, it's just down here.

Linda: Yeah, I know where it is, Mr. I've Been in The Fort Before And You Haven't.

That's right, I have.

They were inside my fort for a long time.

That's the original fort.

Bob and Linda.

Uh...?

Huh.

Millie Frock.

Louise's friend?

Hey, you know, I just ran into Louise and Gene and Tina trick-or-treating.

What?

They're trick-or-treating without their costume?

We've been slaving away all day!

Where? Where are they?

I don't know the name of the street, 'cause I'm a little kid.

But if you follow me, I can show you.

Skip like this.

(hums a tune)

I don't want to skip.

I said skip!

Who is this kid?

I like her.

She's fun.

So last year was my last Halloween and I didn't even know it.

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to enjoy it more.

And also, not to go into this fort.

I wish I could go back ten seconds ago before I ate cardboard.

Uh-oh, I'm doing it again.

Hmm.

Wait.

Guys, take a look at this.

What is it, rat?

Darryl: You see those buttons on the truck?

Yeah.

We just have to find a way to hit the "up" button and boom, the roof is lifted.

And how exactly are we going to hit the button, huh?

You gonna snitch on it?

No, we use this.

Darryl,, you're my favorite kind of rat.

A rat with a hanger.

Linda: Where'd she go?

Whew, she's a fast skipper.

So where are the kids?

I don't see them anywhere.

I'll tell you where they are.

Not wearing their costume on Ungrateful Avenue.

Jerks.

We worked so hard on this thing.

I fought the people at the art supply store.

All that glue in my hair.

I hate to see it go to waste.

Yeah.

(doorbell rings)

Bob and Linda: Trick or treat!

Oh, uh... what are you supposed to be?

Bob: (kid's voice): It's a dragon, duh.

It doesn't look like any dragon I've ever seen before.

Yeah, well, your doo's spid.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Aren't you a little bit old to be trick or treating?

You're old.

You're probably 60.

I am 60... Hey!

We gonna get any candy or not?

No!

You have to give it.

Bob?

No.

Is that you?

No. What? Who's...?

Bob. From the burger place.

No. No way. I'm not...

I'd recognize you anywhere.

I'm nine.

That is hilarious.

It's still not me.

(normal voice): It's not me.

That is hilarious.

Honey, come. It's Bob. From the burger place.

I can't... We can't stay.

Just stay-stay there Stay there. Stay there.

I can't. We actually have to go.

It's great.

It's great. It's Bob and Linda.

Bob, could you...?

That's not... From the burger place.

Nah.

Honey, they're pulling some sort of... I don't know it's a prank or...

Dave, I can't stay, I'm sorry.

Ah, hi...

But good to see you.

Steady... steady...

Gene: I can't watch.

Mostly because I can't see.

(motor running)

You hear that? It's working!

(kids cheering)

(thud)

Uh...

(kids yelling)

You hit the wrong button!

Turn it off!

Turn it off!

I can't! The hanger's stuck!

(grunting)

Aah!

(kids yelling)

We're all gonna die!

Every meal I've ever eaten is flashing before my eyes!

Oh, my god, my last meal was cardboard.

(both yelling)

(kids yelling)

This is not good for my claustrophobia!

Wait, there's garbage.

We could use it, we could stack it.

Yes! Stack the strong stuff.

Maybe we can stop this thing from crushing us.

Ollie, Andy, get in there!

(both grunting)

It's working!

Isn't it?

(Louise yells)

(kids yelling)

Yes!

The door! It's open!

Crawl to freedom!

Crawl to Halloween!

Crawl to candy!

(groans) My shoe!

Now our shoes will be together!

All: Whoa!

We did it!

We're alive!

Whew, we've still got a few minutes left on the candy clock.

What about our costume?

Screw the costume.

There's no time!

We only got a few minutes left on the candy clock!

Did you not hear me?

But nobody will give us candy if we're not wearing one.

(groans)

Congratulations.

You're a robot.

Hold on, candy!

I'm coming for you!

Yeah!

(kids grunting)

Darryl: Treasure Trail... lead us to treasure.

(kids groaning)

Oh, come on!

No! No!

Turn them on!

Turn them on!

We're still here!

Don't you go off on me!

Aha! There you are.

You think you're too good for your costume?

For us?

Costume?

What am I even looking at?

Godzilla's ding-dong?

It's a dragon, Gene.

It's not a dragon.

Yes, it is.

You asked to us to make you a dragon, we did.

Wh-what are you?

Bean can head?

Yeah.

No.

Robot bean can head to you.

Oh.

Well, I bet we got more candy than you did, so neh.

Wait, where is your candy?

Long story.

Actually, I could tell it pretty fast.

Well, at least we can have some of yours.

Nah-uh, bean heads.

We get the candy.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

No, we get the candy!

It's ours!

We're eating it all right now.

Never!

I want your candy! No!

Get them!

Get out of our dragon!

I thought I was done with Halloween.

But it turns out, Halloween's not done with me.

Aah!

Get out of our dragon!

Okay, Halloween's over.

I'm gonna eat more candy in front of you guys.

But you can eat the mini boxes of raisins I didn't want.

You'll need your strength to make it through the ni...

Oh, my God, I k*lled them!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

People are gonna be so mad at me.

I'm gonna have to find a therapist.

Oh, geez, I hope I like my therapist.

Louise: You definitely won't.

(gasps)

Who said that?

Gene: The ghosts of us!

This is Gene's ghost! Aah!

Tina: We don't appreciate being k*lled!

Boo. This is Tina's ghost.

Oh, no.

Oh, I didn't mean to k*ll you.

I was just gonna keep you in there until you got old.

Louise: Give us your candy, you nutcase.

All of it? Or-or do you just want some of it?

Or do you want to trade?

All Three: All of it! (yelling)

Here, take it!

(grunts)

Happy Halloween.

Thanks for k*lling us.

Heaven's nice.