02x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

(sirens wailing)

- [NARRATOR] Coming up,

shotgun-wielding maniacs.

(landowners shouting over each other)

(shotguns blasting)

- Oh, bloody hell.

- [NARRATOR] Speed-crazed lunatics.

- [HUGH] Pepper your brother.

- Do it, do it, do it.

- [NARRATOR] And a couple of canine lovers go ballistic.

- [DOG WALKER] You're kidding yourself.

(dramatic string music)

- [NARRATOR] But there's nothing that can't be handled

by the officers of the Scottish Police Force.

- Watch your head, Britain's tallest man.

- [NARRATOR] This is Scot Squad.

(dramatic electronic music)

(siren wailing)

(upbeat electronic music)

(horns honking)

- [NARRATOR] Policing the public is a two-way highway.

And policing that highway his way

is Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.

- That's like getting turps from a zebra.

It just doesn't make sense to me.

It's very important that the public believe

that the police are listening.

And we are listening.

I'm listening.

I mean, not personally,

but I have people who listen for me.

Now, the public are going to think,

"Well, can these people change anything?"

Well, technically, no,

because they're kind of on the level of the cleaners.

Because people have grievances.

Of course they do.

You'll have a grievance.

I've got grievances.

I mean, do you know how hot it gets in this office

when the sun hits that window there?

Now, do I want to complain about that?

Yes, I do.

Who do I complain to about that?

Me.

Will something get done about it?

Well, I might just open the window a wee bit.

So yes.

You see?

Systems and solutions.

We're listening.

(dramatic electronic music)

- [NARRATOR] Decisive leadership from Chief Miekelson

inspires traffic cops Surjit Singh and Hugh McKirdy

to take a hard line with road crime.

- With us it's black and white.

You break the law, you're going down.

Simple as that.

- At least with a mobile phone you get a hands-free kit.

There's no hands-free kits with a banana.

- I mean, we're often referred to as black rats.

It's mainly because black rats tend to eat their own.

- Oh, that's cool, that is.

I like that, the black rats.

I like that.

We were once driving along,

we seen a car doing mph on a zone.

(siren wailing)

So we pulled them in.

All right, check out the situation.

(Hugh knocking)

Just as we were going onto the pavement,

she happens to recognize PC Singh.

- Oh, hello.

Hi.

That's my boy.

That's my son.

- You're Surjit's ma?

- Yeah.

- Surjit, it's your ma.

I cannot believe it. Ah. - [MOM] Oh, my son.

- [SURJIT] How are you?

- Oh, better, how are you?

- I'm good.

- Your son's a legend, by the way.

- I am so proud of him.

- He's a legend, top policeman.

- [MOM] I'm so proud of him.

- Thank you very much.

- [HUGH] Really you should be. - [MOM] Look, look, look.

(people talking over each other)

- We're going to an engagement party.

- [HUGH] Oh, are yous? Right, I see. Right. (laughs)

- [SURJIT] Okay, how you doing?

Yeah, yeah, it's good to see you.

(both speaking Punjabi)

- I thought they're doing mph on a limit,

he might just give her a wee slap on the wrist.

- See you later, okay.

- See yous later on. Nice meeting yous.

- Mum, Mum, Mum.

We can't let you go just yet.

- [MOM] Why?

- Well, you were speeding.

- [MOM] Speeding?

- Yes.

- But it's his engagement party, son.

- And it's Mum.

- I know it's Mum.

- You cannot give your ma a speeding ticket, mate.

Come on.

- But I'm going to have to.

- Ah, come on.

- Why? Why do you have to?

- [HUGH] Has he always been like this?

- Because it's the law.

- When he was a young boy,

you know what he used to do?

He used to arrest the cat.

(Hugh laughs)

- If the hat's on.

- Why are you not going to your brother's engagement party?

- Because I'm on duty.

- [HUGH] But you could have got the day off.

- I can't get the day off.

- Jonno would have worked for you.

- Crime doesn't take a day off.

- We see you later.

- No, no.

- Wait, wait. You could've gotten a day off?

- Crime doesn't take a day off, okay?

And you're being a bit aggressive now.

If you can stand back a little bit, okay?

- What are you going to do?

- If you stand back. Okay, look.

- (laughs) Come on.

- You cannot pepper your brother.

- Do it, do it, come on.

- You can't pepper your brother, mate.

- Right in front of Mum. Come on, do it, do it.

- There's no way I would give my ma a speeding ticket.

No chance. That's unthinkable.

- I'd give her a ticket.

- Aye, well, we know that.

(dramatic electronic music)

- [NARRATOR] Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar

may spend every day in the station-

- [KAREN] And so can I just take a note of your name?

- [GUY] It's Guy James.

- [KAREN] Oh, right.

- [NARRATOR] But no two days in the station

are ever the same.

- [BOBBY] Do you like it?

- [NARRATOR] And today's day is no exception.

- All right, Officer Karen?

- Hello, Bobby. What can I do for you?

- Well, have you got DNA gloves?

- Yep.

- So I was walking past the football ground

and there was this girl

and she was giving out free pies.

And you know how I love free pies?

The thing is, she's gave us this pie, right?

And I think she's tried to poison me

because it looks mental and it smells mental.

- Bobby.

The chances of someone at a football ground choosing

to poison a random individual are relatively small,

so I think you're probably all right.

- I've brought the evidence.

There you go, Officer Karen, right?

- Right.

So I think where you,

what's confused you a wee bit is this is a curry pie.

- What?

- This is a curry pie.

- Officer Karen, you don't get curry pies.

That's like saying,

"I eat toast and strawberries or something."

You don't get curries in pies.

- [KAREN] The other one.

- You get a mince pie, a steak pie,

and then if you're still hungry,

you get a chocolate doughnut.

- Yeah, it's quite a strong curry in the curry pie.

But look, if we go through the evidence,

what you've got there is,

there's your pie, right?

This here is chicken with curry on it

and this is sultanas.

- Sultanas.

- Yeah, which you normally only get in a curry,

not in a mince pie.

Unless you've got any other serious symptoms about it,

I think probably the pie's fine.

It's just a pie you don't like.

It's not really a police matter,

and to be honest

I'm not sure environmental health

can really help you with that either.

What I would suggest you do with that

is just take it away, to be honest.

- [BOBBY] Okay.

- [KAREN] Oh, and you're just going

to put that back in your pocket?

- Aye, I'll put it back in my pocket.

- Yeah, okay. See you later, Bobby.

- And I'll see you later, right, Officer Karen?

Bye bye. Bye.

- [KAREN] Oh, left-hand door, well done.

See you later, Bobby.

- [NARRATOR] From a stone-cold pie to a red-hot row.

The family feud is kicking off at the kerbside.

- [SURJIT] No, no, no.

Well, we have to write you a ticket, so.

- [HUGH] You cannot give them a ticket.

- [SURJIT] We can.

(Surjit speaks Punjabi)

- Right, come on. That's not fair. I don't-

Come on. I don't-

You cannot be speaking like that when I'm here.

I don't know what yous are saying.

I've got to be involved, do you know what I mean?

- Keep your partner involved. Aye, there we go.

- Exactly.

- We teach you Punjabi. You want to learn Punjabi?

- Aye, go on. Tell me something.

I've always, I ask him all the time to teach me something

but he never does it, he never listens.

- I'll teach you the dance, Punjabi dance.

- Go on.

(people singing and laughing)

You can as well, aye?

- If you're breaking the law, you're breaking the law.

And I have to uphold the law, essentially.

That is what I have sworn to do.

- What's the point of getting a breathalyzer

when yous are all Muslims?

You don't drink.

(brother drowned out by traffic)

- We're Sikhs. That's a turban.

- Oh, right. Right.

- Indian women don't drink.

- Indian women don't drink?

- No.

- What do they drink?

- Not in public.

- Oh, really? (laughs)

- Can you breathalyze her please for me?

- I'm not breathalyzing your ma.

- Oh, I remember. I saw it on television.

- Oh, right. Aye. Aye.

- [MOM] In that Taggart program.

- You like Taggart?

Do you like Taggart?

- I love Taggart.

- Oh, aye.

So is there any Indian Taggarts?

Are there any Indian Taggarts?

- No, no.

- That's him.

(people laughing)

- You're Indian Taggart.

There's been a m*rder.

- That's a bit r*cist.

- Ah, sorry, I know.

I'm getting carried away. Sorry. Aye.

- [SURJIT] You're still on duty so be professional.

- I know, I know, I know.

What?

- [DAD] Look what he's doing.

- [HUGH] Oh, my God, man.

I can only apologize.

- Nice to meet you.

- Yeah, it was great meeting you.

Please enjoy your party.

- Yes, we will.

- Enjoy it.

- [MOM] I'll see you later.

- Oh, aye. I'll see you later on.

I'll see you later on.

- [SURJIT] Obey the traffic laws.

- See you later on, big man, all right?

Catch you. Tonight you enjoy yourself.

- Pleasure.

- Catch you later, mucker, all right? Catch you later, man.

- [BROTHER] All right. See you.

- Sorry about him, man.

- [BROTHER] Surjit.

- He gave his ma a ticket.

He gave his ma a ticket. A speeding ticket.

- I didn't give her a ticket.

She gave herself a ticket.

- [HUGH] Aye, but it was your ma.

- [SURJIT] Your ma's your ma but the law's the law.

- Listen, there's not a criminal worth his salt

that hasn't given the police a false name.

You know, but you've got to be very careful

because some people give a name,

turns out it's really their name, you know?

There's a Mr Mittens that's been

in and out of the station over the years.

Raymond Peanuts, a real fellow.

Lives in Gartcosh.

There was a Don Chorus who actually exists.

And he had D-O-N

and he had a sister called Dawn Chorus. (laughs)

So their parents are just having a laugh at them,

poor kids, but it's actually their names.

Nicola Sturgeon, there's one.

I mean, the first time I met Nicola Sturgeon,

she says to me,

"Hello, I'm Nicola Sturgeon."

I go, "Oh, right. Yeah, and I'm Harry Haddock."

But of course (laughs)

it turns out she's actually called Nicola Sturgeon.

Ridiculous. So be on your guard.

- [NARRATOR] From the First Minister

to first-class law administers.

- If I get my hands on him.

I need to arrest you for being too good-looking.

Do you know what I mean? It's not fair.

(people laughing)

It's not fair on all these lads out here, is it?

(dramatic electronic music)

- Robbery. High street. Move it.

Oh.

(siren wailing)

- [NARRATOR] PCs Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher

present a perfect policing partnership.

- To break up the monotony, we always swap about jobs.

Sometimes driving, sometimes on

If there's a bag snatch,

one of us will take the statement,

the other person will go looking for the bag.

And we alternate so it's turnabout, basically.

- [NARRATOR] But on the way to a bag snatch,

a familiar face forces PC McLaren

to suggest a change to the system.

- I'll buy you a coffee and your lunch

if I can go looking for the bag.

- [SARAH] It's your turn.

- Aye, I know, but just you're better

with women that way.

- Them's the rules. Them's the rules.

- [JACK] Aye, no, I know. I'll let you drive.

- [SARAH] No, I'll do it. I'll do it.

- Coffee, lunch, drive?

Hi, how are you doing?

- Hiya.

- I'm going to leave you with my colleague, Jack,

and I'm going to go and look for your bag.

- [CLAIRE] Thank you.

- How's it going? All right?

- [CLAIRE] Hi, Jack. How are you?

- Not bad. Not bad. How's yourself?

- I'm good, thanks.

Well, except for having my bag stolen.

- So aye, straight to business

and we'll get you a couple of details here.

Name, obviously Claire.

Claire, second name still-

- Long.

- [JACK] Still Long. - Yeah, still Long. Uh-huh.

- [JACK] Not married?

- No, no.

- What happened?

- I was putting my brolly up and I put it down

and they just came and grabbed it.

- Basics, aye. You should never leave it.

What bag was it? Description?

- It was the white and blue one.

- Expensive.

- Was it?

- [JACK] Very.

- Oh, right.

I mean, it's a lovely bag.

I use it all the time.

- That's why I chose it.

Expensive.

Yeah, quite a rare one.

You won't get another one like that.

- I mean, I do like the bag.

I hope I get the bag back.

- I'm not bothered.

Do not care if you like the bag or not.

Still in the same house?

- Uh-huh, yeah.

Still in the flat up the road, aye.

- On your own?

- Uh-huh.

- Good for you.

So how long has it been now?

- About a year, I think.

Just last summer.

- [JACK] Aye.

- Remember, well, you'd booked that holiday

and I just thought it was a wee bit too quick.

It was just such a big surprise.

- Well, that was the point. It was a surprise.

I had to sort it out with your boss.

- Well, I just didn't want to put you out

and you know I just, I didn't-

- Put me £ out.

Deposit I never got back.

- You did go on the holiday.

- Aye, I didn't get your deposit back though, did I?

Anyway, that's all by the by.

It was a cracking holiday

and what a power of riding I got through.

- But your phone bill must have been extortionate.

You phoned me about times.

(Jack laughs)

- It wasn't me.

- Well, it was you. I spoke to you.

- No, that was the waiter kidding on he was me.

He stole my phone.

- It's really nice to see you, anyway.

- [JACK] Aye.

- [CLAIRE] And you're not crying this time so that's good.

- [NARRATOR] Success as PC Fletcher

locates the victim's stolen bag.

- [CLAIRE] Oh, brilliant. Thank you so much.

- They ran off, but as long as everything's there.

(Claire and Sarah talking over each other)

- Lucky to get things back.

We don't always get our money back, do we?

Sometimes you-

- No, but everything's there, so.

- I know, but I'm saying, hypothetically,

sometimes people don't always get things back.

- My partner and I should move on now, so.

- [CLAIRE] Yeah.

- I moved on a long time ago.

- So nice to see you, Jack.

- Right, all the best, take care.

- [SARAH] Thanks.

- Some bags are bags for life, aren't they?

Not like the ones you can buy at the supermarket,

but that could have been a bag for life.

- It was a better bag than a bag for life.

- She'll not get another bag like that.

- But in this instance we did get it back,

so all's well that-

- I know, but she needs to learn the lesson

that if she didn't get it back,

she still could get it back if she just asked

the police to get the bag back.

- She did.

She did ask the police and we did get it back, so.

- Mm-hmm. So she's the winner, again.

- Are we still talking about a bag?

(dramatic electronic music)

- [NARRATOR] Scotland's land.

(cow mooing)

Beautiful to look at,

but torn apart by territorial turmoil.

PCs McIntosh and Mackay are called out to a turf w*r.

(siren wailing)

- Do you feel that?

- [JANE] No, do you want me to feel it?

We were called out to this estate

to a territorial dispute

between two older gentlemen.

- This is unbelievable.

I can't believe this is a driveway.

It's like the A.

- One of them claimed that the other one

was building a fence into his land

and he wanted us to resolve it.

- Who is complaining?

- It is a Hunter MacDonald, if you know him?

- Ah. Yes, yes, yes.

- Well, he claims that the fence is just,

it's crossed over into his land.

He says you're building on-

- Really?

- [CHARLIE] His land.

- I don't know, I mean,

I'll certainly check, if you like.

If there's been a mistake,

I will rectify it, certainly.

- Seemed like a lovely guy.

- [JANE] He was really pleasant.

- Very pleasant, helpful,

forthcoming with information.

- However, we then went to visit Mr MacDonald

to tell him about the discussion that we'd had,

that everything would be resolved.

- Well, are we on the same page here?

Are we talking about the same Calder Campbell?

Thief, rogue, vagabond, arse hole.

Are we talking about the same person?

You know, you two have been sold right up the swanny.

He's had you.

He's a terrible man. A terrible, terrible man.

- Keep your voice down, please.

That might be your opinion.

- This situation between the Campbells and MacDonalds

has been ongoing for , years, hen.

You don't understand very much

about the Campbells and MacDonalds.

I can tell that.

- We're trying hard to

and Mr Campbell assured us that yous had been.

- Well, you're not trying hard enough, miss.

- Things got a little out of control.

- Oh, I'll say.

♪ Oh, the Campbells are coming, you can tell by the smell ♪

- Come on, you b*stard. How dare you?

♪ The Campbells are coming, they're all going to hell ♪

(shotgun blasts)

How dare you go to the (bleep) police?

- Mr Campbell flies onto the property on a quad bike.

- With a shotgun.

- We shall settle this mano-a-mano.

- You're trespassing on my land.

- Like honorable gentleman.

(officers and landowners shout over each other)

Now, listen, you are an arse. An arse.

You have been for the last years.

- [HUNTER] You're an arse. (indistinct)

- [CALDER] years.

- Please calm down.

- What?

- Calm down.

I can sense there's a little bit of tension

and it's sometimes-

- Oh, well done, police.

(officers and landowners shout over each other)

- See what I'm saying? See, I told you that earlier.

- Well, well, well. How clever?

- I expected more from you, Mr Campbell.

- He's lost his bloody mind. Right.

(officers and landowners shout over each other)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm used to handling men of all ages,

sometimes in large numbers.

And sometimes the only way

to deal with them is to dominate.

Okay, shut your faces.

You talk first. What's the problem?

- You've already taken God knows

how many feet off my land.

Now you'll be taking a few more yards,

then a few more yards, then another yards,

then my bloody house.

- Why would I want to take

your stupid sheep-stealer's shack of a house?

- Because it's in your DNA.

- I have got a beautiful house of my own.

(officers and landowners shout over each other)

- Let's just resolve this once and for all.

- [CALDER] What?

- We're going to have a duel like gentlemen.

- Get them arrested and in the back of the vehicle.

- What with?

- g*ns.

- And that's when we had to say,

"Enough is enough, guys."

- You illegitimate b*stard.

- I am not illegitimate.

- Of course you are.

- It's you that's the b*stard.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I was scared for Charlie.

- You needn't have been but I appreciate that.

- Mm.

- [HUNTER] Sheep-stealing b*stard.

- [JANE] I don't know what to do with him.

- [NARRATOR] McIntosh and Mackay

are left with little leeway.

- Not going to speak to you any more.

- [NARRATOR] And these lairy lairds land themselves

in the local station lock-up.

(dramatic electronic music)

For Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie,

every day is an opportunity to learn something new.

- [KEN] Excuse me, there. Are you Fern Britton?

- No.

- Oh, okay. (laughs) Have a nice day.

- [NARRATOR] And become the ultimate volunteer.

- Yes, we do get appraisals at work.

I got one recently, actually,

saying I had to be more authoritative,

which I didn't agree with,

which was slightly mean.

But I decided to take the suggestion on board,

shall we say?

See, there's a law now that you can only walk four dogs.

There was this woman at the park

and she kept flouting the law, you know?

And flouting it in my face.

I understand, this is your livelihood,

but this is my livelihood too, if I got paid.

But that's not the point, okay?

I confiscated the dogs from her.

Now, you go off and tell your superiors

that they can come to the pound

and collect them, okay?

She was breaking the law, okay?

My hands were tied with dog leads.

No-one makes Ken Beattie look stupid.

(dog barking)

I took the dogs to the pound,

and that was me being authoritative.

Hello.

- [DOG WALKER ] Oh, aye. Hello.

- How are you? - Hello, how am I?

How are you with your five dogs?

- [KEN] Oh, I've got-

- Five dogs. I've got two dogs, you've got five dogs.

The law is four dogs.

- [KEN] Yes, I know.

- Four. Four dogs.

- Look, don't tell me that. I know what the law is.

- [DOG WALKER ] Oh, don't me tell you?

- [DOG WALKER ] What are you all about, man?

- [DOG WALKER ] The police with five dogs.

Look at the state. - I'm taking these.

- [DOG WALKER ] You're kidding yourself on.

- Five dogs.

- I am not kidding myself on

You're kidding yourself on.

- [DOG WALKER ] You're a wavy folk.

- [KEN] Have you got a spare poop bag for me?

- [DOG WALKER ] Oh, a poop bag?

- Yes.

- Lay about police want poop bags.

- [DOG WALKER ] Is it for yourself?

- [DOG WALKER ] You're a poop bag.

- It's not for myself, you man.

- [DOG WALKER ] See, if you went to the shops,

how much would it cost you for a bag?

- I don't know.

- [DOG WALKER ] p.

- p.

- p. Up with the cash.

- Are you serious?

- [DOG WALKER ] Up with the cash.

- [DOG WALKER ] Give her the money.

- Blackmailing me?

- Blackmailing. That'll be right.

Blackmailing? He's breaking the law.

- Here.

- [DOG WALKER ] There you go.

- [DOG WALKER ] Aye.

- Speak to you tomorrow.

- Away you go.

- [DOG WALKER ] You'll not speak to us.

- [DOG WALKER ] No.

- [KEN] I won't speak to you again.

- We've got another couple of dogs.

See if we fit in with you then. Come on.

- Right.

I had to pick up dog poop.

Okay, don't eat it. Don't eat it. Away.

It's not a very pleasant experience at all.

Especially when it's not your own dog.

(Ken whimpering)

No more pooping until we reach the pound, okay?

Away.

The dogs were impounded.

(upbeat piano music)

I felt like Cruella De Vil.

- [NARRATOR] From walkies-

- [KEN] No, you're not playing stick now.

- [NARRATOR] To talkies.

Scottish Police Force's Maggie LeBeau

is first in line on the line

to help those in need.

- And in what way exactly does she look like Vanessa Feltz?

Okay, if you could just keep

at a safe distance from the attacker.

Oh, you are the attacker. Right.

So the new Scottish Police Force website

has a great feature.

Basically, we have a database

where we collate all the crimes that are taking place

and you can just stick in your postcode

and it'll come up with what crime

is most prevalent in your area,

which is brilliant if you're trying

to buy a house, for example, you know?

Stick the postcode in.

Let's say car theft and housebreaking comes up.

That's all right.

Just get a good alarm system, you'll be fine.

But say, knife crime and incest comes up.

Maybe keep looking.

Unless that's your thing.

(piano music continues)

- All right, Officer Karen?

- [KAREN] Hello, Bobby.

What can we do for you today?

- [BOBBY] Oh, you'll love this, by the way.

- [KAREN] Hit me. - You ready?

- [KAREN] Yep.

- Are you ready?

I think it's going to be a surprise.

Here we go.

Happy birthday.

Surprise.

And there's flowers as well.

Happy birthday, Officer Karen.

- Thanks, that's really very kind of you.

Thank you very much.

I properly appreciate it.

I'm just a wee bit-

How did you find out that it was my birthday?

- Remember that time I tried

to add you on Facebook

and you've not accepted my friend request yet?

- Yeah, well, it's blocked

on the computers in here.

We're not allowed to access Facebook at work, so.

- I seen it on your Facebook.

I seen your birthday and I was like,

"Ah well, I'm going to treat Officer Karen."

I made you a home-made birthday card

and I got you a cake as well.

- [KAREN] That's-

- And I only got that for pence so that's good.

So what are you doing tonight then for your birthday?

What's happening? What's the plans?

You got anything on?

- No, I think I'm just going

to have a quiet night in, Bobby, you know?

- Are you just chilling?

- Yeah, I'm going to just head up the road.

- I'm chuffed with myself.

- [KAREN] Have a wee quiet night in.

- Right, birthday girl.

See you down the boozer for your wee party, eh?

You don't look a day over .

- .

- Yeah, okay. See you in a bit.

- .

- [KAREN] So.

- Boozer?

Is that the boozer, aye, for your birthday?

- Aye, well, it's nothing.

It's just a wee,

it's like a work thing, you know you have to.

- The boys. With the boys and that.

- It's just a couple of mates.

It's just it's quite a quiet-

- Sergeant Donaldson, aye.

- [KAREN] Yeah, yeah.

- If you go to the pub tonight,

you can take your cake for-

and Sergeant Donaldson can have a wee slice and stuff and-

But I'm not doing anything tonight, anyway.

I've got the X-Files box set and I'll watch that

and I'll get some pizza or something but, I don't know.

- [KAREN] Yeah.

- I don't know.

But anyway, have a good time tonight,

right, Officer Karen?

See you later, right?

And tell Sergeant Donaldson he can have

as much cake as he wants

as long as he leaves you with a good bit, right?

See you later.

(upbeat electronic music)

- Yeah, so I'm off to London this week.

Very exciting.

Been a while since I've been down there.

So how do I get back to New Scotland Yard?

Do you know?

You know, there's nothing the mean streets of London

can teach me but still it's always good

to take the temperature of the place.

Meeting up with Harry Cope,

who is an old friend, actually.

He's now working down there.

He's Deputy Chief of the London City Force.

We're working together.

It's a joint operation called Operation Boomslang

and we're doing a press conference.

And I'm excited to see Harry.

Oh, here he is.

- Cameron, how are you? Sorry to keep you waiting.

(cameras clicking)

- No, that's fine. I'd plenty to do.

- Sorry for keeping you waiting.

- You're looking very well.

- Yes.

- You got any hair under there? Come on, show me.

- Slightly more than you do.

- Show me, I bet you haven't. Let's get that.

Okay, put your hat back on. That's lovely.

Is that a transplant?

- It's certainly not a transplant. Is that?

(Cameron laughs)

- Well, that's all paid for.

- That beer baby you're carrying there.

- (laughs) That is all paid for, son.

- Good to see you as always.

- Good to see you. Please.

- Go on. Well, after you.

- No. No, no, no. I insist. You.

Are these seats the same level?

- We're here to discuss a cross-border initiative

between the Scottish Police Force

and the City of London Police Force called Boomslang.

- Operation Boomslang is co-operation,

friendship, dialogue

between the nation of Scotland

and the city of London.

- Boomslang is a snake with two heads

and that's where the idea

for this operation came together.

You imagine you're in a Chinese

trying to eat a meal with one chopstick.

It's not going to happen.

This is a two-chopstick operation

that we're here to discuss.

- As a national leader of the police force,

I'm in charge of a unified police force

of an entire country

and we wanted to talk

to some of our city colleagues

who are the smaller-

- Well, I wouldn't say one of the smaller police forces.

We are actually one of the largest police forces,

not only in Great Britain, but possibly in the world,

which I think we dwarf you

up there by quite a margin.

- In numbers, not in results.

We're in the results business is all I'm saying

and really you try and get

from here to the car across London

and see if you've still got your wallet,

is all I'm saying.

- [REPORTER] Does Deputy Chief Commissioner Cope

have any comments on rumors he's moving back north?

- Well, I would now,

well, that's a slightly unfair question

seeing as Cameron is sitting here.

I mentioned in passing that I would like to go back

to a more pastoral form of policing.

- I don't believe the position of deputy is currently open.

- Well, the rumor I heard was that you were resigning

or being asked to.

- No, no, that's a rumor.

I'm very, very, very-

Aye, you would take this job (laughs)

from my cold, dead hands.

- It was merely a conversation

over the future of Scottish-

- Listen, no truth in the matter, no.

Boomslang is rolling out

across the country inter-departmentally

starting from next Wednesday.

We want to be discussing-

- Sorry, sorry, excuse me.

There's a call I have to take.

If you could finish wrapping up, that would be great.

- Yes, good, so that's-

- I'll catch you later on. Thank you very much.

- Basically I've got a meeting as well.

I've got a very important meeting.

So thank you very much for coming

and I have to go to my meeting.

(cameras clicking)

Don't you (bleep) talk to me like that again.

- [HARRY] You were talking absolute (bleep) in there.

I had to get out.

- No, what you (bleep) mean, you (bleep) idiot.

Very nice to see Harry again.

I tell you, he hasn't changed a bit.

He's exactly as he was.

He always has been like that.

No, delighted.

Trip went very well.

Very nice to be down here.

Operation Boomslang is under way.

And well, it's eight hours to the sleeper.

So I'll maybe get myself

down the half-price ticket booth.

So okay, safe journey back.

(dramatic electronic music)

- [NARRATOR] Back up the road on the road,

Officers Singh and McKirdy

are about to hit the road

at the end of another shift.

- It's that time of the day again.

Five, four, three, two, one.

This shift is over.

Get the tunes on.

- You love this tune, don't you?

- I love it.

(upbeat bhangra music)

How is it you do it? How do you do it?

- Calm, calm, calm, calm.

First, remember what I told you, right?

- What?

Oh, aye, the thing with the light bulbs, man.

- Twist the light bulbs.

Twist the light bulbs. There you go.

(Hugh sings in Punjabi)

Now the shoulders. Let's go for the shoulders.

- Oh, aye, that's it.

- We don't know anything.

- Aye, we don't know anything.

- I don't know anything. - What are you talking about?

- What are you talking about?

- What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

Who knows? Who cares?

- Let's ride the bike.

There you go.

(officers sing in Punjabi)

- Oh, takes a lot out of you that, doesn't it?

- Oh mate, you should go to an Indian wedding.

- What, aye, really, aye?

- Oh, high energy, mate. High energy.

- Awful workout. Aye.

- Oof.

- People just glazing, man?

- You'd be sweating.

- Aye? Just sweating all over the dance floor?

- Aye, it's a good workout.

- Folks sliding and that all over the place.

- Really good workout, aye.

Good times, mate, good times.

- Aye.

(Surjit sings in Punjabi)

Hey. Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey, I'll teach you something.

- Aye, go on.

(Surjit rolls his tongue)

- Ahoy.

(Hugh laughs)

Try that.

(Hugh rolls his tongue)

- Ahoy.

- There you go, that's a good one.

There you go.

(bhangra music continues)

(officers sing in Punjabi)

(dramatic electronic music)

(siren wailing)