02x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

(dramatic music) (siren blaring)

- [NARRATOR] Coming up,

ladies of the night become ladies in a fight.

- [LADY] You better walk away, you pair of wee rides.

- [NARRATOR] Violence explodes at the express checkout.

- You want some of this, you clown?

- You don't- - You want some?

- [NARRATOR] And a maritime mystery on a deserted island.

- Hey, I'm on a boat! Come on!

- You cannae arrest me.

- [NARRATOR] All nothing new to the men and women

of the Scottish Police Force.

(fist thuds) - Oh!

- What are you doing?

- [NARRATOR] This is Scot Squad.

(intense music) (siren blaring)

(tense music)

For a modern organization like the Scottish Police Force,

nothing is more important than public relations.

And when it comes to relations,

Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson is the daddy.

- Today, first up in the diary,

I've got a meeting, my quarterly meeting,

with the PR boys

in charge of all the branding for the police force.

I know what you're thinking, instantly.

Why is public money being spent on paying someone

to come up with all the branding strategies for the police,

when the chief could probably do it himself, you know?

I mean, I could do it myself,

but I don't really have the time,

so we pay an expert.

And that allows me to concentrate

on what I like to call real policing.

So, what have you got for me, Willie?

sh**t.

- We're putting in a big order of T-shirts

for the front-desk staff.

- [CAMERON] Okay.

- Just gonna be choosing colors, designs, and logos.

That's obviously not something you need to worry-

- Yeah, what colors are you thinking about?

- You know, I would say, probably,

black was a strong choice,

black is what we often go with.

- Yeah, yeah, but what about blue?

Because I'm thinking, I mean,

blue or black, what do you think?

- Sure. I think black.

I think black would be-

- I'm thinking blue is maybe more the...

What do you think?

- I mean, I- - 'Cause I think,

I think we've got enough black.

I really do.

- I'm happy to make that work.

So, we'll figure out the exact shade,

get you some blue T-shirts.

Perfect. - Excellent, good.

- So, moving on, we've got-

- I mean, we could decide the colors now.

- No, I don't think that's necessary.

- Well, I've got.

What about... - Sure. Well, we can just-

- Well.

Navy blue, that's just saying,

"Well, we're not interested.

We've got nothing new to say about anything."

Skimpy blue, don't know why it's called that.

Blue-y blue.

Blue-y blue.

Are you interested in that?

- What I would say is,

we can take this off your plate.

- So, you're saying that you can make the decision?

- Obviously, you would be best placed to make the decision,

but I know you're a very busy man.

- Because if you're gonna make the decision,

what am I doing here?

- No, absolutely.

Absolutely, 'cause you're the man.

- So, you're happy with blue-y blue?

- Blue-y blue is, yeah, perfect.

- Blue-y blue it is.

Okay, what else you got?

- [NARRATOR] This PR masterclass would be of great interest

to traffic officers Singh and McKirdy.

- The public perception of police is very important.

How the public see us,

how the community see us carry out our jobs,

is very important.

Just recently, we were snapped outside the local kebab shop.

It's a brilliant kebab shop, don't get me wrong,

it's a great place to go, where we go for our dinner.

They do a great kebab, chips and cheese.

Put plenty of salt and vinegar on the chips, which I love.

But here we are.

We've been caught parked

on a double yellow line while we were inside.

Yes, it was wrong.

It has ended up on the front page of the local paper.

Yes, we did get a stern talking-to.

We should have known better.

- We've learned our lesson, I think.

- Certainly.

- So, we won't be stopping outside any more carry-outs

from now on.

Be quick.

Remember to be quick, alright?

- I'll go.

- Don't stop. Don't stop.

Don't stop. Don't stop.

Don't stop!

Don't stop. Slow, steady.

- [HUGH] There you go, thanks very much.

Thank you.

- Don't stop, don't stop.

Don't stop.

Seatbelt. Seatbelt. Seatbelt. Seatbelt.

- That's us. - Seatbelt!

- Got it.

- Got it? - Aye.

(exhales) Good work.

- [SURJIT] Never again, mate.

- [NARRATOR] The wheels keep turning for the Scot Squad,

and for desk sergeant Karen Ann Millar.

- Hello, Scottish Police Force.

- That means a fast track to the future of the force.

- We're living in a very interesting time now.

And in some ways,

people are seeking to maintain their privacy.

And in other ways, they're opening their lives up

to the wider community.

It can be tricky sometimes for people to find the balance

between involvement with your neighbors,

and just downright snooping on them.

I think it's important to remember

that just because you can see it,

doesn't mean you should look at it.

- All right, Officer Karen?

- [KAREN] Hello, Bobby.

What can I do for you? - How are you doing?

- Look, I want to make a complaint.

- What's up?

- Like, basically, I've got a next-door neighbor, right?

And she's one up across the road from us.

And see, every time I go out for a walk,

or I go to get some milk or something for Uncle Geoffrey,

she's always completely naked.

- Right. Like, in the street?

- No.

In her flat, but she's not got any curtains or anything,

but you can see everything.

- I mean, it kind of depends on the circumstances.

Is she being provocative?

Is she-

- What does prod-provocative mean?

- Like, um, like trying to get you to look at her,

so, maybe being right up at the window or-

- Oh, right, like right up against the windae,

giving it all that?

- [KAREN] Yeah. - Dancing at the windae?

- Aye, that kind of thing.

If it was that kind of-

- She's not like that, to be honest.

She's just chopping, like, leeks.

- Right.

In that case, to be honest,

there's not really anything we can do about that.

You know, a person's perfectly entitled to be naked

within their own home.

- So, you're telling me, Officer Karen,

it's all right for me to walk about the gaff

with no clothes on?

- Like I say,

as long as you're not up at the window, flashing,

or, you know, trying to get people to look in and see you,

then, yeah, that's fine.

- I'm going to tell Uncle Geoffrey and the two of us,

we can do that and have a laugh.

I mean, I won't be up against the windae,

I won't be doing all that at the windae,

but I'll just be doing, you know, like,

watching The X Factor or something.

I'll have to wear socks because there's, like, glass,

and there's sand on the floor and stuff but,

I'll get into that another time.

That's another story.

But I'll go and I'll tell Uncle Geoffrey about it, right,

and we'll- - Right.

- I'll go.

Don't come round in the night but

and peek in the windae, Officer Karen.

I don't want you to be doing that.

- Don't you worry, I won't.

- [BOBBY] Just phone me first and let me know, all right?

- OK. OK.

- [BOBBY] Right, bye-bye!

- Mind your hand there!

Mind your hand.

Bye. (door slams)

(tense music)

- [NARRATOR] Back at the Scottish Police headquarters,

Cameron Miekelson is looking at ways

to expose himself to a wider audience.

- We have focus groups, some ideas.

- Can I stop you there?

Are you talking about the Bamnesty?

- The Bamnesty, yeah.

- Because I saw the material.

How did it go down?

- The Bamnesty-

- [CAMERON] You told them it was my idea?

- Yeah, no, no,

they were very pleased to be getting ideas right from the-

- Did you say the Bamnesty is when bams can come in

with all their bam paraphernalia,

hand it over to us,

without any fear of further consequences or reprisals?

And you told them how clever "Bamnesty" is,

because it's a play on "amnesty"?

- Oh, yeah.

And I think everyone appreciated that, absolutely.

It's like, it's catchy, no question.

Couple of definitions.

I mean, I've got,

I've got the kind of focus group points here.

- [CAMERON] Go on, then.

- So, I mean, these are not my words.

Snide. Mocking.

Not compassionate.

- Well, I mean, they're bams.

I mean, we don't want to be compassionate to bams.

We want to be compassionate

to the people the bams are being bams to.

How about this?

A second focus group?

- That's certainly possible if-

- Or a limited focus group?

Me and you.

- What? Just me and you?

- [CAMERON] Because you like it.

You said. Yeah. - Yeah, well,

in a way, absolutely- - I like it.

- [WILLIE] You liked it.

Well, if you like it, and I like it,

that's a landslide, isn't it?

In my view.

- I mean- - So, we focused it.

You and me, who's in charge here?

Is it you and me, or is it the focus group?

Just know my point is,

there's no place for focus groups in the judicial system.

- Juries?

- Here's an idea. - [WILLIE] Uh-huh?

- We roll out Bamnesty.

Publish and be damned.

We're going with the Bamnesty.

I want it out in all papers, nationwide.

Roll it out in the next hours and I'll see you back here.

Thank you for your time, Mr. Saffron. Good day.

- And that's...

- Thank you.

- [NARRATOR] Supermarkets,

are some of the most volatile places in Scotland.

PCs McLaren and Fletcher are trained

to defuse expl*sive situations.

- Stop!

- [NARRATOR] And snip the red wire of rage.

- Jog on.

- [NARRATOR] Today, they drop into a dust-up

in the danger zone.

- It doesn't matter.

I don't care how many items you've got!

- [JACK] Hi, guys. - I'm going first.

- [JACK] Guys. - [SARAH] Excuse me.

- [JACK] Keep it down a wee bit, thank you.

- Sorry, sweetheart.

All right, Shagger? - h*!

- [SARAH] What's been happening here?

- Right, I've come oot the hoose early, alright?

I've got all my stuff ready, and this idiot here-

- I just asked to go in front of him.

- Hey, they asked me! - Let's not call names here.

- No, they asked me.

- Excuse me. Stop shouting.

- [SARAH] What's your name?

- I'm Claire.

- And what's your name?

- Tam Spraggins,

and I'd thank you to stand up when you're speaking to me.

- Oh, right. OK.

So, do you want to fill us in?

What's been happening?

- Right. - [CLAIRE] I just asked to go.

- Wait a minute. She asked me.

- One at a time. - [SARAH] Yes.

- One at a time.

- I had one item and I just asked,

"Can I please go in front?"

And he just went- - I come down here,

get my scones to put on my granny's grave, alright?

Get my breakfast, my all-day breakfast,

get out and set myself up for the day.

And this idiot's standing there with her one-

- Hey, stop calling her an idiot.

- Claire. Her name's Claire.

- Oh, right. Sorry, Claire.

- How many scones does your gran need?

- Listen, I lay them at her grave, all right?

It's a wee tradition that I do.

- [JACK] What is that?

Ten scones at a grave?

- It's her birthday, she was a big woman.

Shagger, you've come up- - Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Jack McLaren.

- [TAMS] Sorry. - PC Jack McLaren.

Shagger? Yes, I am.

Do I look like a shagger?

Yes, I am.

Am I a shagger?

Yes, I am.

You call me Jack McLaren?

Yes, you will. OK? - OK, PC Mc.

- Claire, sorry, we will sort this out.

- I mean, this lady, she only had one item.

- OK, listen, on you go, then, alright?

- See, that's good, you're being the bigger person.

- What do you mean, being the bigger person?

I feel as if- - [SARAH] No, I don't.

- I feel as if you're nipping at me here.

- No.

- You know, you're nice, Shagger,

do you what I mean?

But, sweetheart, you're getting on my nerves.

You need to understand,

it's not just today.

This is it just coming to a head.

It's every day, you know? - What is?

- That poor lassie has just been the brunt of it.

But, listen,

I'm really sorry that you have to come out for this.

And I apologize and I'd just like to say sorry, hen.

- [SARAH] Thank you. - I'm really sorry.

Right, I'm sorry about that, Shagger, all right?

- Hey! - Catch you later.

- PC McLaren. - PC McLaren.

- Shagger, it's a fact, but I'm PC McLaren.

- [TAMS] Sorry.

- OK? - [TAMS] Sorry about that.

- [NARRATOR] Thinking this volcano is dormant,

the officers walk away.

- [TAMS] Another one!

You want to go in front of me and all because-

- [NARRATOR] Only for it erupt for a second time.

- You want some of this, you clown?

You want some?

- Whoa! Move it.

Come on. Have his scones.

- You've made life difficult for yourself.

- Come on, you. Ridiculous.

- [NARRATOR] Thanks to a crazy five minutes

at the self-service,

this hothead is now doing five months of community service.

Serving the countryside community,

are officers Charlie McIntosh and Jane McKay.

- Well, we were called to the scene

of what we thought was a breaking and entering.

We arrived to be greeted by a woman

who seemed quite distressed, actually.

Hello?

- [WOMAN ] Are you my backup, yeah?

- [CHARLIE] Sorry? - [JANE] What?

- I've called for backup.

- We soon discovered that she had made a citizen's arrest.

- You've made a citizen's arrest-

- [JANE] Yeah.

- Of someone that you suspected.

- An arrest, yeah.

- Of breaking and entering?

- Oh, definitely breaking and entering.

Yeah. Yeah.

- And your name is Bernie Cooper?

- Bernie Cooper.

- And are you a police officer?

- I'm sort of training to be a police officer at the moment.

- Oh, right. Good, aye.

What stage are you at in the training?

- Application.

- Right.

- So, about quarter past nine this morning,

I was looking out the window,

I saw him climbing over the fence into the garden,

and he looked dodgy,

like, I knew he was coming to, you know,

maybe steal something.

So, he climbed over and I managed to run out

and get him from behind.

I smacked him a few times

because he wasn't really listening to me.

- [JANE] Right. OK.

- So, you've effectively assaulted him slightly as well?

- I wouldn't say assaulted.

- So, how long has he been here in the shed?

- Four hours.

- Four, four hours?!

Why haven't you called us sooner?

- I just thought it'd do him good to be locked up

and sort of think about what he's done.

(Jane scoffs)

- It's not really your decision to make.

- Yeah, but-

- You should have called us immediately,

as soon as you suspected something.

You know, even before you approached-

- Can I write these notes down?

Because this is good training for me, actually.

Do you mind if I write down what you just said?

- Well, generally, we take the notes.

- Yeah, but just so I can...

For my next test. - OK, but we-

- So, I should have called straight away?

- [CHARLIE] Yes.

- Should have called immediately?

- Immediately. - [CHARLIE] Yeah.

- As soon as you suspected any mysterious behavior.

- [CHARLIE] You should not- - Immediately.

- Conduct- - Suspicious behavior.

- Any vigilante behavior,

like you have done.

- [NARRATOR] Lots to learn for this wannabe cop.

And after Willie Saffron

launches the new Bamnesty initiative,

the chief learns that not all publicity is good publicity.

- This is just a disastrous day.

I mean, I'm all over the...

Look, Bam-eron Miekelson.

This is how I'm being treated, you know?

Every phone-in,

you turn on the radio,

everybody's talking about it.

- [RADIO] The real bam out there is that chief of police.

(Cameron sighs)

- And in the end,

someone's got to take responsibility.

You know, the buck has to stop somewhere.

This is the biggest PR disaster

in the history of the Scottish Police Force.

(Cameron sighs)

You've got to be big enough to take responsibility.

Stand up and be counted.

So, I've had the lawyers draft this up.

Only remains for me to sign it.

Ah, this is a sad day for the Scottish Police Force.

But a sadder day for Willie Saffron,

because that is his contract terminated.

With immediate effect, Jean!

- [NARRATOR] Another big decision nailed.

When you've got to go, you've got to go.

And Maggie LeBeau has got to go on the phone to the public.

- Police emergency, how may I be of assistance?

No, your leg shouldn't have fallen off.

That's, no, that's concerning.

When he fell in the ravine,

were his pants on or off?

As far as I can see,

the nearest zoo is over miles away,

so I'm not sure that it's going to be a panther.

I would say one big way that my work affects me,

is that it has really put me off men.

Because they can be really sleazy on the phone.

OK, sir, the car will be with you shortly.

No, you can't have my personal phone number.

I'm going to have to ask you to get off the line,

we need to clear it.

Emergency response phone congestion is a very serious issue,

and I'm never going to have a future with somebody

who doesn't take that seriously.

OK?

Even last week, for example,

I had this guy hitting on me,

he's laying it on thick,

I know he's married.

I'm like,

"You're phoning us to report that your wife's been mugged."

I'm not a mug.

I mean, that's disgraceful, in my books.

- [NARRATOR] Back at the countryside contretemps,

McIntosh and McKay are keen to shed some light

on who's locked in the garden.

- Yep, lead on.

Show us where you've locked him up.

- [BERNIE] Oh, no.

Oh, I don't believe it.

- [CHARLIE] What? - [BERNIE] Hang on.

- Hey, this is where he was?

- This is where he was. - Oh, great.

- Do you want to put a call out?

Get some more backup? - No, no, no, no, no.

We don't need to do that.

Just tell us again.

So, this is where you locked the man up.

- This is where I locked him up.

- After you'd beaten him up?

- I take it the shed was full?

- Do you know what I think's happened here?

- [CHARLIE] Yeah?

- I think he's escaped.

- Yeah, I think that's pretty obvious.

- We know that.

- He could be anywhere. Armed!

Look, the tool box is open.

- Yeah, he's armed now

because you locked him in here with a pile of tools.

- But that's not my fault.

- Yeah, no, it definitely is your fault.

- Well, it is. - No.

- I mean, the first thing we need to do,

is find out really what is missing from the shed.

So, if you can identify any tools

that might not be here any longer,

that would be great.

- [CHARLIE] Yeah, is the bike gone?

Maybe that's how he fled. - I don't know.

- [CHARLIE] What do you mean, you don't know?

- I have no idea what's missing.

- So, you just chuck stuff in your shed?

- It's not my shed.

- Sorry, what?

- How did...

- This is somebody else's property?

- No, I live two doors along.

And I saw him at the window,

climbing over that fence.

- What you should have done is,

if you thought that when you first seen him,

was call us out immediately.

- Immediately.

Yeah, and there's no point in taking notes, OK?

Because all of this is common sense.

If you don't have any of it,

you're not going to get into the police.

- [CHARLIE] We're going to need this probably for evidence,

in case there's anything useful in here.

- We'll just get you to sign off on your statement

and then we can arrest you properly.

- What?! - Yeah.

We're going to have to arrest you.

- You're arresting me?

- Yes, we're definitely arresting you.

- We can't prove anything that this mystery man has done,

but we know that you've broken in.

We know that you've detained someone illegally.

We know you've obstructed- - Assaulted him.

Basically, we are arresting you

for five crimes at the moment.

I mean, there was lessons to be learned today.

As Charlie said,

don't take the law into your own hands.

And, certainly, don't put a saw in the hands of someone

who you suspect to be dangerous.

- Yeah.

- [JANE] I think you're going to come with us.

- [CHARLIE] You're going to be cuffed. Come on.

- I'll learn. I'll learn.

I'm learning a lot from you guys already, by the way.

Can I mention I know you guys at my next interview?

- Please don't. - No, you absolutely can't.

And you definitely won't get another interview.

- We don't want this to reflect poorly on us.

- There is no way she is ever going to be a police officer.

- If this woman ever becomes a police officer,

then I will hang up my hat.

And then I'll eat it.

- [JANE] It's best for you if you just stop talking now.

- [BERNIE] Right.

- The range of things that we are faced with,

day to day in the station,

has increased dramatically.

You know, we're not just focusing on crime any more.

People see us as a broader church than that.

You know, they'll come to us for citizens' advice.

- Officer Karen, I need help.

I need backup.

- [KAREN] What's happening, Bobby?

- Somebody's stole my face.

- Financial advice.

Have you been carrying that around in a plastic bag?!

Environmental.

- Somebody's lost their bed.

- Bobby!

- And there's chocolate stains all over it.

- Health and safety.

No, Bobby, please don't do that in front of children.

It's not safe.

- How is it going to scare them?

- Food and hygiene.

You cannae eat food that you get out of skips.

- Do you want one? - No.

The law is not easy.

- What does "phallic" mean?

- Realistically, for the public,

the best way to know if you've broken the law,

is for us to tell you.

- [NARRATOR] From dusk till dawn till dusk till dawn,

Scot Squad are perpetually on patrol.

Always.

- One of the things I enjoy most about this job

is meeting new people,

with the aim of making new friends.

One of the groups I've got a natural affinity with,

is prostit*tes.

I love the prostit*tes.

I really do.

I feel a strong connection to them.

- Ach, here's our Kenneth, son.

- Hello, Candy.

- What have you in your bag of tricks tonight, love?

- Oh, I've got a few things for you in here.

- Maxy, Tyra!

- I spend a lot of time with them,

doing lots of things for them.

I feed them soups, sandwiches.

Yes, you do like your egg.

- [MAXY] I do, I do.

- I've got a change of socks and stuff,

but they never really want that.

It's usually high heels they wear and that.

- Whoa-oh!

Getting a wee freebie there, Officer?

- How dare you?!

Away wi' you!

- Good man, Kenneth Beattie.

Come on, son. - b*stards!

- You're all right.

- Sorry. - Never mind.

Ken, never mind. Gobshites.

God bless you, Ken. - I'll be on my way.

Take care, girls.

Have a safe night. - [CANDY] Everybody loves Ken.

- Oh, they do. That's right. (ladies cheer)

- Toodles.

- Don't talk to strangers

unless they're the work strangers that you-

- Ah, we'll remember.

- OK. - Genius you are, Ken.

- Later on in the evening,

the boys approached me and said some pretty nasty things.

- A pimp, eh?

- The prostit*tes came in.

(ladies shouting)

They attacked the boys quite viciously.

- [MAXY] Get to. Come on.

- [TYRA] See you anywhere near Ken again,

you'll be sorry.

You better walk away, you pair of wee rides.

They wee dicks annoying you? - Pal, you're all right.

- Will we walk you to the bus stop, then?

- [CANDY] Come on, we'll walk you down.

- I'll maybe take a wee seat, actually.

- You take a wee seat.

- 'Some people think heroes come as firemen

or as people dressed as bats.

I like to think heroes are women in high heels,

and poor hygiene.

And they say you should never meet your heroes.

(Ken scoffs)

- There are two very clear rules

when dealing with suspects in custody.

Firstly, we can't charge you if you're too drunk.

Secondly, we can't hold you for longer than hours

without charging you.

So, yeah, smart criminals amongst you,

will probably have worked out the loophole,

and that's exactly what's happening.

Criminals are getting insanely drunk

before committing huge crimes,

in the hope that they won't sober up

within the -hour period,

and we can't charge them.

So, we've approached the Justice Secretary

and we've asked for a slight definition change

in what is drunkenness and what is not.

So, basically, if you're slurring,

if you're staggering about a bit,

if you're singing "Danny Boy,"

and telling the staff sergeant you love him,

we're going to charge you.

If you're at the stage

where you're losing control of your bowels,

then we'll probably hang five.

- [NARRATOR] From the top dog to road dogs,

McKirdy and Singh.

It's not always plain sailing

on the seven seas of Scotland's roundabouts.

- Well, we received a call just at the start of our shift,

regarding reports of a ship

that was abandoned in the middle of a roundabout.

- Apparently, there'd been a flood of complaints

against this boat,

so we had to go down and check it out.

(hand tapping)

- It's a belter.

(hand tapping)

It's a cracking big bit of kit, innit?

Here, Surjit. Here!

Give me a punt up, mate. Gonnae?

- Yeah, I could do that,

or you could use the ladder.

- Oh, right.

Aye, I'll give that a bash.

(Hugh laughs)

I'm on a boat!

- Anything?

- Hold up, there's a number here.

There's a number, there's a mobile number.

- Hi there.

This is PC Surjit Singh of the Scottish Police Force.

Are you by any chance missing a boat?

We need you to come down and remove it.

(traffic bustling)

- This woman's taking ages.

- Ages.

- Did cavemen drink milk?

- Cavemen? - Aye.

I'm on this caveman diet, right?

So, you can only eat the likes of meat, chicken,

eat raw vegetables,

everything that cavemen had, right?

So, I can't have anything else,

it's only stuff that cavemen have.

- OK.

- So, I just wanted to clear up.

You'll ken if I'm allowed to use milk.

- Well, yeah, I'm pretty sure they would have had

domesticated animals by then.

Goats, maybe cows.

- Aye, that's all right.

- Milk should be.

But why milk?

- Because I kind of poured some in my Cheerios this morning.

I was just kind of wondering if milk was allowed.

- I don't think cavemen had Cheerios.

- Oh, (beep) it, haven't I?

- [SURJIT] People do stupid things

and we have to call them out on it.

If they didn't do it,

we wouldn't have to do that.

- Are you a real captain?

I believe she was very disappointed

and was complaining about, you know,

the prices about leaving your boat,

mooring your boat at docks,

and, you know,

she wanted to say that it's actually quite expensive.

But I was thinking to myself,

"Hen, you own a boat."

- [NARRATOR] Maggie LeBeau is used to dealing

with the big questions.

- You did say he was '" and now you're saying he's '".

What's the difference?

Well, four inches.

- [NARRATOR] And no matter how tough they are,

she's always got an answer.

- Well, there's lots of discussion around arming the police.

And, personally,

I would have to say I'm not a fan.

You know, if I were to treat a g*n

the same way as I do my headset,

I mean, that thing...

I bang it off my teeth all the time.

The wee sponge at the end,

I've swallowed two of those.

In the last year,

I've lost it at least four times.

And it's literally strapped to my head.

So, to me, that's not safe.

- All right, Officer Karen?

How are you doing?

- All right, Bobby.

What can I do for you today?

- See they bad boys that are always parked up

at the double yellow lines at the schools?

- Uh-huh. - They're back again.

And I was just like... - Right.

- I'll come down and I'll tell Officer Karen about it.

- Okey dokey.

Bobby, what are you eating your lunch with?

- It's a noodle fork.

I got it from the car-boot sale.

- [KAREN] Right.

I've got a feeling it might actually be a backscratcher.

- No. Look. - [KAREN] No.

- It's dented at the bottom for the noodles.

See?

- I think you'll find it's probably a backscratcher.

Um...

- I'm doing all right with it.

- Yeah, well,

you're losing quite a lot of your lunch so far.

And not in a good way.

- So, are you going to go up

and you're going to sort they guys out?

- I'm going to ask a car to go round.

Bobby, see, now that I can see it kind of sans noodles,

that's definitely a backscratcher.

That's what that's for.

- So, that's a backscratcher?

- Yep. That's what it's for.

There we go. See? - Yeah.

I'll try my back.

- Oh, here we go. That's it, page marked.

- That's amazing.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Oh, that's good.

- Is it good, yeah? - Aye, that's good.

You want a shot?

- No, I'm good, thanks.

I'm all right.

- Chuck that in the bin, right, Officer Karen?

Bye! - Bye.

- We're shortly going to be rolling out a new strategy,

which is a working-from-home strategy.

Studies have shown that, actually, interestingly,

productivity rises if you work from home.

So, I am going to be the guinea pig,

because I wouldn't want any of my men

to do something that I am not willing to do myself.

Jean! Yeah.

I can't log in.

Can you remotely log in for me?

Could you e-mail me the Anderson file again?

Yeah, Jean.

No, the whole thing's just frozen.

Can you get one of the IT boys

to either access me remotely or come round themselves?

Thanks very much.

(phone beeps)

Jean? Yeah.

Do I take sugar in my coffee?

Hey! Front!

Do the front first!

Listen, son. No, Listen.

No, you listen to me.

I don't even know what you're talking about.

I never bought anything like that,

I don't know what PPI is.

Jean, hello. Yeah, thank you.

Anderson file's come through,

looking for the SOCG file.

Have one of the boys run it over,

put it on a bike for me.

Thank you.

(Cameron snoring)

It wasn't an unqualified success

but I don't think we would be filing it under "disaster".

Um, teething troubles.

And I think if we do it again.

It was the lack of Jean, really.

We could maybe transport the whole of this office there,

actually, would be better.

We could get a bunch of Portakabins there

and get all of them.

Well, not a skeleton staff,

maybe eight or ten of them to come down and help.

Then I think the whole working from home would work.

Basically,

if the office and everybody who works in the office,

was at home with me,

is what we've learned.

But you've got to try these things.

(intense music)