03x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

(siren wails) (intense music)

- [NARRATOR] Coming up.

- Your cap there- - Testing the testers.

- Blow as hard as you can.

(Surjit blows)

- [NARRATOR] Gaming the gamers.

- Just get outta the (beep).

- [NARRATOR] And pushing out the pushers.

- I have just witnessed a drug deal.

- [NARRATOR] When criminality runs wild,

it's time to lay down - You suck my-

the law of the jungle. - Come here, c'mon.

- You're taking a sheep hostage.

- [NARRATOR] This is Scot Squad.

(exciting rock music)

(horn beeps)

When policing a mass area the size of Scotland,

a crucial consideration is manpower.

And the man with all the power

is Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.

- If that means that I'm very well dressed in a support

of the monarchy, then yes, I'm happy to be called cavalier.

- [NARRATOR] The marshal with the brain power

to marshal that manpower.

- Staffing levels is a concern.

I'm particularly worried about the riot police.

You all have seen it, the wall of police linked together,

forming an impenetrable wall against the rioters.

But cutbacks have meant that we-

The gaps are appearing in that impenetrable line.

So what do we do about it?

Well, we're looking into an inflatable riot gear suit.

So you're there, and then as a riot kicks off.

(Cameron mimics inflating)

Up you go about maybe the width to three, we think maximum,

maybe four policemen all the way.

And then that's how you fill the gaps

all the way along the line.

Now obviously your Molotov c*ck

bounces off, straight back.

If they do get you, you bounce back up like that.

My only concern is,

if any rioters have a pin.

- [NARRATOR] To properly serve the public,

officers like desk sergeant Karen Ann Miller

have to run an open door policy.

- [KAREN] You need to put-

Bobby, you can't really,

you can't bring that in here.

Bobby!

- [BOBBY] Fingers.

- [NARRATOR] Complete accessibility.

- [KAREN] Bobby please take it away,

before I arrest you for stealing it.

- [NARRATOR] No matter who or what comes in that door.

(door creaks)

- Alright, Officer Karen.

- What can I do for you?

- Right, see the thing is,

see my next door neighbor,

he's been hovering about in a van,

and I seen him putting a couch

in the back of the van, right, and he's dodgy.

He looks dead sneaky.

And I was wondering, do you know what?

I'm gonna come down and say that to Officer Karen.

- Bobby, I would expect

that that's just someone moving a couch.

Maybe getting rid of an old couch or buying a new one.

Do you know the best thing you could do,

actually, Bobby, see if you see anything like that,

dial and let them know,

and then we can investigate it in due course.

'Cause I feel bad for you, 'cause I know

you're public-spirited and then you're coming,

you're coming all the way down here every day almost.

- Okay. - So you dial .

- . - Okay.

- . - .

- .

- So that's ,

and then it comes through to the station phone,

and then it goes on to Officer Karen.

And I'll deal with you and then like you try

and put me through that an officer or something?

- will put you through to a better officer, Bobby.

- . - Just .

- ?

- Just .

- Right, I'll tell you what, right.

I'll go home. - Okay.

- And I'll see if the guy is driving a bit in the van

or if he's looking weird or anything, right?

- Okay. - Take notes.

- Come back down.

You'll let me use the station phone, right?

.

- Do you know the best place to phone

from is from your house, Bobby?

- My phone's dead old.

It's like one of those ones

that are like (clicks tongue).

You know that one?

- Yeah.

- It's like from the seventies or something.

(clicks tongue) It's dead dusty.

I mean obviously it doesn't (clicks tongue).

It's like more. (swooshes air)

(swooshes air rapidly) That's it gone back.

- Yeah.

(Bobby swooshes air rapidly) (Bobby swooshes air)

See if you head up the road and you go

and use Uncle Jeffy's mobile,

and you can dial from his phone and-

- Okay right, alright Officer Karen.

I'll go, I'll get Uncle Jeffy's mobile phone.

Right?

I'll bring it down to the station.

You tell me to dial ?

- [KAREN] No, just .

- Right, .

- From your house. - Right.

- . - Just , no.

- [KAREN] Just .

Three digits, like that.

One, two, three, right?

- I'll just give it to you because you're good at all that.

I'll just give you the phone,

and you phone it, and then you can hand it to-

- Maybe Uncle Jeffy could dial it for you.

- .

- [KAREN] .

- Officer Karen.

See you later.

- [KAREN] See you later.

- [NARRATOR] Scotland's highways

can be a sizzling hotbed of hotheaded anger.

Traffic Officers Surjit Singh and Hugh McKirdy

are cool enough to keep chilled.

(officers laughing)

(Hugh yells)

Even when faced with the firiest of furies.

- So we were driving along the road,

taking due care as I always do.

And a cyclist pulled up beside us,

started knocking on the window, shouting and screaming.

- Oh, whoa, whoa. - I'm here for you.

- What's the- - Sorry.

- You just cut me up there.

- [SURJIT] Who cut you up?

- You!

- I cut her up?

- I'm phoning the police on you.

I'm telling you that's not right.

- Oh, we are the police, then.

- Well you should know bloody better than shouldn't you?

- We asked a lady to go into the pavement.

We parked up.

Pretty sure I didn't cut you up.

- No, you did. I was there.

- [SURJIT] So was I.

- You nearly knocked me off my bike.

I got the fright of my life.

Three times this week that's happened.

Mate, who are you laughing at?

- I was just- - No, come on.

- Well for the start, I don't think he's cut you up.

- Listen. - Thank you very much.

- You wouldn't understand.

You've clearly never been on a bike.

- Hey, don't question my fitness regime.

You don't know what it is, alright?

- [CYCLIST] Well tell me, I'm dying to know.

- I've lost weight, haven't I?

- Aye, you're looking good.

- The point is you cut me off my bike.

- I'm his witness. - I was-

- I was in the passenger seat.

He did not cut you up. - You know what.

- I was on the pavement.

- Who you actually looking at?

- What?

You.

- Right, see that sign on there?

Read that sign.

- [CYCLIST] Denmark.

- No, it does not say that at all.

- [CYCLIST] (stammers) Decaffeinated!

- When was the last time you were at the optician's?

Have you been prescribed glasses before?

- Aye.

- [HUGH] And why you not wearing them?

- 'Cause they dinnae go with my outfit.

- What's that?

What kinda excuse is that?

It seems like you've got some seeing problems.

- He's got driving problems.

- Wait, what are you accusing him of here?

- Of being drunk and disorderly

on the road. - Drunk?

- I do not drink.

- [CYCLIST] Prove it.

- Wait, prove it? - You gotta prove it.

- We've got a breathalyzer in the car.

- [CYCLIST] Prove it.

- Right sir, blow as hard as you can.

(Surjit blows)

Keep blowing, keep blowing, keep blowing.

Keep blowing, keep blowing, keep blowing.

Right?

There we go.

- Alright.

- Zero.

- What does it say?

- It says zero. - Zero.

- You see, I don't drink.

- Well I cannae be sure,

'cause I've not got my glasses on.

I cannae read that - Exactly.

- You need your glasses.

- You cannae go on your bike.

You'll need to walk to your spin class.

- Right, I'll just- - I can't let you.

- I'll just push it, it's fine.

- You just push your bike.

- Where's my bike?

My bike was there when you pulled over.

I put my bike there.

- Mate, I'll tell you what- - You're meant to be police!

- Where's my bike?

- Her bike got stolen.

While we were at the scene.

See this is what happens

when people distract us from a proper job.

- No, you're leaving things at your backside,

your glasses, your bike.

The positive with that bike being stolen

was that our response time in dealing

with that bike now being stolen was,

well (snaps fingers) we were there right away.

Right, well we'll need to take you down to the station,

and we'll get to get the details in, alright?

- I have to put a report in?

- Aye, well, yes. - Yes.

- [HUGH] Our message to the public

is simple and as pure as this:

if you've been prescribed glasses, wear them.

'Cause not only will you drive better, you'll look better.

(bright music)

- Lemme stop you right there.

It's not a Snoopers' Charter.

Where does the Snoopers' Charter come from?

We're just, we're doing our job.

We've gotta find out what's going on,

so we can stop the bad guys.

Somebody's having a party next door.

You're gonna peek over the hedge, see what's going on,

make sure they're not up to any nonsense.

That's all we are doing.

We're just having a peek over the hedge to see what's what.

Now we happen to use drones, and we tap your phone.

We monitor your emails and occasionally,

we might follow you around town.

Whatever we do is not as bad as whatever they're doing.

That's the essence of policing.

That's not a Snoopers' Charter.

That's scum watch.

(dramatic music)

- [NARRATOR] From scum watch to nature watch,

and back to scum watch.

As rural cops Charlie McIntosh

and Jane McKay gets set to crack down on one

of the biggest crimes in the country.

Countryside counterfeiting.

- ill*gal sales in small rural pubs is quite common.

It's difficult to catch them

in the act when we're so visible,

so we decided to go undercover into this small pub

disguised as two separate patrons.

I, the accordion playing band for the evening.

And Jane as the lovely- - Single woman.

- Single woman at the bar. - At the bar.

(upbeat accordion music)

- [NARRATOR] Trap set, hunters poised.

It ain't long before a dodgy-looking geezer

walks into their crosshairs.

- Ah, not doing too bad.

I brought you the the CDs, for-

- [NARRATOR] A suspect package is clocked at the bar.

McKay's on it.

- [JANE] That's it, caught ya.

- [NARRATOR] No sale.

- [JANE] Selling counterfeit CDs, are you?

- Oh my God.

It's Phil Cunningham. - Phil Cunningham's Christmas

song but how did you know, Charlie?

Have you got this CD?

- No, it's Phil Cunningham.

I just brought this in for the raffle.

I noticed the ceilidh was on.

They were looking for raffle prizes.

- [CHARLIE] Oh my goodness.

- What, you? You're Phil Cunningham?

- I'm sorry, there's been a big misunderstanding here Phil.

We're police officers, we're undercover.

Someone else is coming in selling dodgy gear,

and we've seen you with the bag and the CDs,

and I'm so sorry about this.

- Well, I've played in a couple of criminal records,

but I don't think I actually have one.

- So sorry Mr. Cunningham. - That's alright.

- I'm really sorry. - That's okay, that's fine.

- Look, I'm just trying to do my job.

- [PHIL] No, that's fine, honestly.

- You're a hero of mine.

Do you know that you're my second

favorite musician of all time?

I mean obviously Enya and then yourself.

Perhaps if you've got the accordion there,

you could come over and sit with me and play,

and it would be a personal,

I mean absolute dream come true for me.

And it would also,

it would really help with the investigation.

- You know, a big, a big whiskey might swing it.

- A big, the largest whiskey

you can pour please, for my good friend.

(upbeat accordion music)

- [NARRATOR] They doubled down on their disguise,

and the accordion ambush is back in play.

(upbeat accordion music)

The contraband comes out.

- Oy! - Jane pounces.

- [NARRATOR] He gives it legs.

- Hold it there! - Bang.

- Cunningham nails it. - You are under arrest.

- You're under arrest.

Courtesy of Phil Cunningham.

How do you feel about that?

- Thank you, Phil. - Busted.

- [CHARLIE] Take him away, partner.

- [NARRATOR] The number's up for this rogue trader.

- Take it away.

- [NARRATOR] Another symphony of success for the Scot Squad.

(upbeat accordion music)

Slange.

- Three PCs in the pub that night.

PC McIntosh, PC McKay, and the best PC of all,

Phil Cunningham.

- [NARRATOR] Over in the big city,

a typical shift for Jack McLaren

and Sarah Fletcher involves hands-on policing.

- You had a shower today?

Right, well thank you very much

for consenting to that stop and search there, mate.

- [NARRATOR] The public appreciate the strategy,

now served with added double extra reassurance.

- You have a good night. - Oh, wait.

- We've got a questionnaire, excuse me.

- We've got these new questionnaires

that we've gotta fill out.

It's kinda sort of customer service,

customer feedback thing.

Without the price-

- It won't take, it won't take long so-

- You'll not get vouchers or anything.

- So just a few questions.

What's your name?

- Pickle.

- Pickle. Mr. Pickle?

- Eh? Pickle P.

- Your name's Pickle P?

- Well my name's Peter.

- And you should just have said that.

- Exactly. - I'll put Peter.

- Do you live in close proximity

to where you are standing now?

- No.

- [SARAH] Why not?

- What do you mean why not? - Well it's like,

- probably like a car park or something.

- Do we have to answer any of these questions?

- Eh? Well that would be great, yeah.

- Good if you could. - Well it's like-

- Now listen, don't worry.

We're happy to help. - Well this bit's fun.

- This bit's fun.

So it's kind of multiple choice and they come with faces.

Agree would be a smiley face.

Disagree would be no.

Scottish Police force do a good job, agree?

- Say so, eh? - Or disagree?

- I'd put a sad face. - That would be

- You, shh. - a sad face, actually.

- This one. - Probably.

- Yeah, that's that one. - That's a confused one innit?

- This stop and search procedure

happening to me is actually reassuring.

- No. - I don't know.

- Whoa, whoa. - You're smiling.

- Don't think so. - Listen here.

- It's Pickle's, alright, it's not yours.

- Would you mind not speaking to her the way

you're speaking to her? - I dinnae want to talk to her

- 'cause she's like ah.

- We want to get this done though, Jack.

So again- - I don't know.

- Don't know, that fine. - Just I don't know.

- What is your gender?

- Are you kidding me on?

- No.

- Do you want the answers?

- Well you searched me.

- Inconclusive.

- Do you want me to go through the answers there?

- You gonna let him

talk to you like that? - Male.

- We got a funny guy here, male.

- Right.

I'll put down male. - Just-

- What is your sexual orientation?

- What?

- Are you kidding me on?

Don't you dare ask me a question like that.

My sex life- - It doesn't matter.

- So straight, g*y, - Outrageous.

- bisexual, or other? - Outrageous. Straight.

- Very clear about that. - Can't believe you're

- letting them talk to you like that.

- Just a couple more questions, keep going?

- You be minding you, eh?

- Jack, we'll keep going. - Would you mind,

- stop speaking to her like that please?

- Can we keep going? - Like what?

- What is your religious preference?

- It's Scientology.

- Scientology. - Shut up.

- What? Tom Cruise and aliens.

- How do you work with him? - That's his belief.

- [SARAH] What would you vote today,

in the event of an election?

- Are you serious?

Now you're canvassing for votes.

- We're not canvassing. - Wanna know I'm gonna vote.

- I just asked- - Do you want to ask

- what sexual position is?

Do you know what mate? - What's that?

- I'll tell you, I'll tell you sexual orientation.

Shagging your Ma!

- Is that right, aye!?

Is that right? - I'm gonna sex-

- Don't you touch me, get in the car.

- [NARRATOR] The police have no option

but to pick up Pickle.

- Mom would not have touch him.

(car doors slam)

- So how do you feel about your arrest?

Happy face, a sad face?

Kind of disgruntled- - Shite face!

- Alright. - Put that down.

- [NARRATOR] Ready to face up to any crime or conflict

on his beat is Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie.

- What is happening?

This is so confusing.

- [NARRATOR] Beattie's a one man band

with an army of collaborators.

- I've got a vast network of allies,

and associates who I use to help me with my police work.

You know, I've got the prostit*tes,

I've got the homeless people.

And my closest and best associate

is a woman named Cilla who runs a soup van.

Cilla!

- [CILLA] Hello darling.

- [KEN] How is my Favorite lady of night?

- [CILLA] Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine.

How are you?

- [KEN] Oh, I'm okay.

- You want a wee soup?

- Oh I'd love one.

Well, just the normal three pence, is it?

- Yes, just put it in there.

- Yep.

It's an extra pound as well.

- [CILLA] Oh, I just-

- I found it, found it in the street so there we go.

- [CILLA] Oh that's lovely, Ken.

- Always pass it on. - Here we go.

- You know, we help each other and we help other people.

Most importantly, you know, she provides nutrients

and food to the homeless people and I provide them security.

You know, we really are a good team.

You know, like Batman and Robin you know,

if they fought against a*usive, homeless people.

- I mean I just help people.

- Yeah, I really appreciate it,

'cause no one else does around here.

Honestly, you've got no idea how much I appreciate

everything you do with this community.

'Cause you're like me, you just want to clean it up.

- I do, I really do.

- People come along and ruin it.

Like urinating on dead pigeons or-

- Talking about ruining it.

Ken, I hope you don't mind, oh.

I don't like snitching in people, I really don't.

You know, I-

- You're going to.

- Well I don't like to say,

but I think there might be drugs being sold.

- Where?

- Around the corner.

I saw them, I saw them earlier on,

and I just feel I had to say something and-

- No, you do, you do. - I think, I think it's drugs.

- Oh, if this comes off I mean,

I'm sure I'll get promoted. - Would it help you?

- Thank you for this.

I'm off to catch some drug dealers.

- [CILLA] Good for you.

- [NARRATOR] All souped up and ready to go,

Ken's down on the re-up. - sh**t, sh**t, sh**t.

- Oh my god.

It's them, it's happening.

That is a drug deal.

- [RADIO OPERATOR] Who's on it?

- Officer Ken Beattie requesting backup on Carson Street.

- If you want to- - I have just witnessed

- a drug deal.

The chicken is in the oven.

- Copy- - There they are.

- Yes, get him, get him, get him.

Yes!

Beaten!

I've literally arrested a drug dealer.

I can't wait to tell Mandy.

I never should (indistinct).

No, no, no.

(siren wails)

God I'm so excited.

Oh my god, my knees.

Oh Jesus.

My legs are asleep.

- [NARRATOR] Maggie LeBeau is well off

on the A, B, C of police work.

She knows how to talk to the callers,

and is fluent in legalese.

- I really am sorry that your birthday party

was a disappointment, but that legally

wouldn't be considered grounds for provocation.

- [NARRATOR] It's never quiet on the call front.

Even when it is quiet on the call.

- Police emergency, how can I be of assistance?

Police emergency, how can I be of assistance?

Sometimes we do get callers

who have called from their pocket.

Hello?

Hello, is anyone there?

They can't hear you saying, "Get off the line."

So what we've developed instead is the arse caller whistle.

Basically if somebody does pocket dial,

we get the whistle out. (blows whistle)

And then the person hears the whistle,

realizes that mistakenly called the police,

and then the line is clear again.

No problem, sir.

Pocket dials happen all the time.

You have a good day.

And hopefully the next caller isn't an arse caller.

If they are, got the whistle.

- We've had a great increase in complaints

about cyber bullying.

You know, people receiving abuse whilst gaming online.

It's, you'll be not surprised

to hear it's not a world I know a great deal about.

So what I'm going to do this afternoon,

some of the boys have got in one

of the arcade machines that young people use.

And I'm going to immerse myself

in the online world of gaming

just to see if I can experience what that abuse feels like.

This is Chief Commissioner

Cameron Miekelson entering the game.

Right, well the abuse is quite instantaneous, I have to say.

I don't think there's any reason to talk to me like that.

I think we should just commence the game.

Ah right, so that's moving.

No, listen.

That was a criminal offense what he just said to me,

so I'm beginning to understand the issues at large here.

Right, and that is sh**ting, that's good.

There's me, oh.

That's a replay.

Sorry? Beg your pardon?

I think I have children so,

that no, that would be impossible.

I'm most certainly not a virgin,

but that was certainly a good shot.

(g*ns fire)

(b*ll*ts ricochet)

The graphics are very, very good.

The abuse is consistent at a level

that's really quite alarming.

But I'm impervious to it.

Don't be worried about that.

(beep) Move.

Just get out the (beep) way.

I'm gonna (beep) you.

You're gonna eat (beep) (beep) you little (beep).

Take that you (beep).

Right in the (beep) face, man, right.

And I went, oh, gonna sh**t that little (beep)

head right off and then I'm gonna (beep) (beep)

down the stump you little Brazilian (beep).

I was bullied and I did some bullying myself.

And I, it was a glimpse, you know,

into the dark recesses of my soul.

But it helped me understand the problem more.

So it was definitely, it was definitely worth doing.

I think I learned, you know,

that virtual words can hurt real feelings.

Anyway, if you can excuse me.

It's about : in the west coast of America

and I've got some teenagers to sh**t in the face.

- Alright, Officer Karen.

- Hello, Bobby. - How you doing?

- I'm all right, what can I do for you?

- I need some help.

I need a helping hand. - Okay.

- [KAREN] What's up?

- I'm busy today, right?

I'm going for a job interview.

And I was wondering if you could fill in

like a character reference and all that kinda stuff.

- Right, okay, leave it with me,

and I'll try and put something together

and you can pop back in tomorrow and pick it up.

- No, but that's the thing, it's in like an hour.

So if you could do it just now.

- Okay, okay then, right.

Just gimme a couple minutes, and I'll fill it out for you.

Okay, so. - Okay with that.

- So what, what kind of job is it you're applying for?

- It's the burger place down the road.

- Oh, right.

What sort of role is it?

- It's in the kitchen, as a kitchen porter.

I don't make burgers.

But I still get free food. - Alright.

- You don't wanna eat too many burgers, do you?

- That's the only reason I'm applying

for the place to be honest, Officer Karen.

- That, well, okay.

I just need a couple minutes and I'll just fill this out.

- Okay. What, what you putting down?

- Just some general reference-y stuff, you know?

- Yeah.

Good person?

- Yeah, that kinda thing.

So conscientious and eh, persistent

and, timeliness and eh-

- Timeliness?

- Like your time keeping's good, that you're-

- Oh right, okay, that's good.

- [KAREN] Because I mean, you're always really good

at getting here exactly when I start my shift, aren't you?

- Exactly. Yep.

- Attention to detail and things.

- Owns an Xbox.

- I'm not sure if that's what they'd be looking

for me to, to back up for them.

Right, they're, they're asking about your skills,

like taking- - I'm a yellow belt.

- Right, I don't think I've got a tick box for that,

so I'll probably have to skip that one.

- Okay. See for swimming as well.

Put it this way, I cannae swim a length.

But see if you were to throw me in the pool?

Would not drown.

- Okay.

It's asking about whether or not

you can speak any languages.

So obviously you read, write, speak English?

- Well I can speak English.

- [KAREN] Right.

Okay.

So can you-

What about any other languages? Do you-

- No, I've got, I've done French in school.

- Right.

- (speaking French) Bobby.

- Right. - That's about all I've got.

- Okay.

- I do love cheese, but like in real life?

- [KAREN] Yeah.

- Like in French as well,

but in real life I love cheese.

- Right.

Can you drive?

Have you got driving license? Can you drive?

- Well, I'll give it a go.

- [KAREN] I'll maybe just put willing to learn.

- Willing to, yeah.

- Aye. - Okay.

- Right. There we go.

Well, all the best with it.

I hope you get it.

- Thanks very much Officer Karen.

Look, I know you're busy and stuff,

and I'm in here all the time, but that means a lot.

Alright Officer Karen.

- All the best. - Have a good day, right?

- See you later, bye Officer Karen.

(suspenseful music)

- [NARRATOR] Back at Beattie's big dope bust,

the valiant volunteer is keen to share

the glory with the soup angel

who blessed him with the incriminating info.

- I just took down a drug deal. (laughs)

- No way! - Honestly.

- I've never been so excited all my life.

- Okay.

- Honestly Cilla, thank you so, so much.

I owe it all to you.

- That's fantastic.

- This is gonna mean the world to me.

Like when they see I can do real police work,

it means I'll get a promotion.

I'll finally become a real policeman.

That's them here.

Must be here to congratulate the one and only Ken Beattie.

Hello boys, I was one that phoned in the-

Ken Beattie.

- Well some-

Rise please, come along. - What you doing?

- So it turns out that Cilla was not what she seemed.

She was a drug dealer. (sighs)

- [CILLA] I'm gonna k*ll you!

I'll cut your ba*ls off!

Leave me! - Cilla!

(Cilla yells)

- To make matters worse,

when she was telling me about drug dealers,

she was just wanting out of her rivals.

She wasn't wanting to clean up the streets at all.

- You're dead! - Cilla!

- [CILLA] I'll have you you chopped up, you- (Cilla yells)

- I feel used and abused.

Your soup is too salty anyway.

I might volunteer to be a policeman,

but I certainly don't volunteer

to help

drug queen pins.

Like Cilla.

There's no money.

She took my money as well.

Well. (yells)

Goodbye, soup van.

- [NARRATOR] A new role in crime busting for Beattie.

And all over the force,

the cops find new ways to test themselves.

- Right, phonetic alphabet.

Alcoholic drinks, right?

A.

- Archer's.

- Beer.

- Cognac.

- Drambuie.

- Eggnog.

- Alright, phonetic alphabet dinners, A.

- An Indian dish, aloo matar.

- Beef curry.

- Chicken and rice.

- D, Domino's pizza.

- Alright, well.

Okay, I'll let you off with that.

- I have Domino's pizza with my dad all the time.

Phonetic alphabet, women's names.

Isabel.

- Jean.

- Kirstie.

- Lisa.

- Melonica.

- Naomi.

- Roger that control.

Can we get a quick registration check?

Registration number, spaghetti, lasagna,

five, three, pizza, Bolognese, ravioli.

- [RADIO OPERATOR] Could you repeat that please?

- What, mate?

- Wrong phonetics.

- Cancel that, can we get a quick registration

on Sierra, Lima, five, three, Papa, Bravo, Romeo.

- [RADIO OPERATOR] Check.

- That's why we shouldn't play that game.

- It gets confusing, - We get mixed up.

- doesn't it? Aye, I know.

I tell you what, bet I could fair good

at an Italian name-off.

- One of the biggest frustrations

of my job is the lag time,

the delay between the committing

of the crime and the appearance in court.

It can be months.

You need to have immediate justice.

My idea is that you have judges on call.

A crime is committed.

You've caught the boy, there's CCTV, there's witnesses.

Call up the judge, he roars up on a motorbike.

What's happening here?

(snaps finger) Bang, dispenses justice.

That wee Rog is up in the community center

painting the wall, doing his hours of community service.

Like anything, there's problems that immediately,

I'm just talking about that.

I'm thinking, well what about the wig?

How do you fit the crash helmet over the wig?

There's a problem right there.

But there'll be solutions.

You know, if you think about it long enough,

there'll be a solution.

And it'll be either be bigger helmets or smaller wigs.

I'm pretty certain of that, or a hybrid.

It might be like one of the See You Jimmy wigs

with the wee orange bits here.

It'll be the helmet, wee bit of the judges' wig there.

But look, I'm big ideas.

I'll leave the details to others.

(exciting rock music)